"Life as a slave isn't fair" I must have said that phrase hundreds of times as a domme but as a slave, I seem to have an inability to grasp such a simple concept. For some reason it just seems to be inapplicable. My arrogance wants me to believe that I am unique and my situation is always special and different. I need to understand and be reminded that it isnt true. I made the decision to be a slave. In fact, I begged to be a slave--your slave. Yet, when put to the test, I flipped out at the thought of possibly doing anything that was even slightly distatesful. I hate that about myself. I never had any discipline growing up and now I am left lost and craving it and responding very poorly to it even though I know its what I need. I need it to be able to function as a normal human being. I need it to feel like I can't get away with everything I want to. I don't want to feel out of control. I need structure and discipline and boundries and I need to learn, to understand that I cannot escape that no matter how hard I try. I need to feel it and know it.
My behavior was completely disgusting and inappropriate for any adult in any relationship let alone a slave in a D/s relationship. You were correcting me for being smothering and treating you like a child and not respecting your decsions and telling you whats best for you and then sulking and behaving like a child. I then realized that I behaved poorly, even though it was borne of concern for your well being and apologized. Your method of discipline, writing lines, was completely appropriate given the situation and fairly generous considering how overbearing and annoying I was.
As soon as you told me that I was to be corrected I flipped out. Insisted I didn't deserve punishment and writing lines was something fit for a child, not a respectable adult. I refused to do it and the proceeded to behave like an insolent child for over an hour. I disobeyed you and messaged you after you told me not to. I sent numerous rude and hurtful texts and pictures and even tried calling a few times knowing that you were at work and busy only to yell at you. I was completely out of control.
When you finally messaged me back I continued with my insulting messages and refusal to comply with your discipline. You quickly reminded me of my place, of who I am and why I was doing this and I immediately felt horrible. I am your slave. As soon as what I had done sunk in I immediately started writing my lines and sending you the picture. It was a bit humbling to do that but after my awful behavior I felt like I deserved so much more.
You reminded me that this was not some game we are playing. I have given over actual control over my life to you and I did so with careful consideration and for many reasons. I do not decide when or how I get disciplined and I do not decide whether or not I deserve it. You reserve the right to do as you wish with me. I gave you that and I need to stick by it. If you decide that I need to be punished for something then I will be and even if you desire to punish me because you may find it amusing or any other reason you wish, I will accept that as well. This was my decision to enter this type of arrangement and I know that it is what is best for me.
I am glad that my behavior didn't cause you to leave and I am also glad that I was unable to dissuade you. I needed to feel your control. I needed to feel that no matter what I say or do, in the end I must acqueiesce.
Sir, I am begging you for your discipline for my behavior. I feel guilty and ashamed and I hate myself right now and I desire nothing more than to be your good girl again and be absolved. There are no excuses for my behavior. I was wrong and completely out of line and you have been nothing but wonderful. I need to understand that I cannot ever behave this way again and I will gracefully accept whatever discipline you deem to be appropriate.
Humbly,
Your slave |