Wow, another day of migraines in less than a week I was in the ER for the same thing. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentines weekend...I did, and it was lovely spending time with the Dom I have been talking to...We hit it off very very well, and I had a wonderful time. It was very nice opening the door to find Him holding a dozen red roses behind his back too. In all I got 3 dozen roses this year from Dad, a friend, and my new friend. :-) Alas...the distance thoroughly sucks as always. I know that I need to be with someone at least once a week or more if possible. I learned even more about myself yet again and that is 1. I won't change for anyone...I am who I am and everyone seems to like it and 2. I am totally not just a sub and will never be content or feel complete playing just a role because that is not in me. When I trust someone I really give them my trust and if it is broken or I feel neglected or abandoned I will walk away. I want so much to be more than just a slave or a submissive slave...but more to them...so so much more. I can not and will not be in any kind of relationship without being "courted" and dating me...learning one another. This is not about the sex or the physical...It goes deeper, and for me it is the whole package and the dynamic of it all. My friend saw first hand just how deep of a slave I am, and I can go deeper when it is right...when I know that You will always have my best interest at heart. I want to give my heart to someone again...just not haphazardly ever again. I want that as much if not more than giving all my submission and ultimately my surrender.

To make things worse...my vanilla ex is STILL trying to pursue me, but I just don't feel anything and that hurts. There was a time I did, but I can't go back. I know I'd be miserable.

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I just got back from the hospital... So I am exhausted.  I had to get an injection and pain meds/muscle relaxant for the spasms and knots in my neck and shoulders. The dr said I had one hell of a tension headache as well as migraine at the same time. My ass hurts and burns and NOT in a good way. Happy Valentines Day to me!!! So Dr's orders...she told me to go rest and relax...Today has been a day from HELL! The cherry of my day was Sasha throwing up on my carpet so now more to clean. Aghhhh Oh and my Ex...STILL determined to show me He can be a better man...never mind that I am NOT vanilla and most vanilla I can ever be..again, is dark vanilla. My ass is on fire...Not the way I would like either. Just thought I would interject that. I do not take medications unless I absolutely have to and today on a scale of 1 to 10 I hit 10!! I was crying it hurt so bad...I just wanted someone to make me hurt in my ass and make me forget the pain in my head.

Okay getting offline for a while...my head still hurts but it's lessened some. Ohhh and I had an injection of Toradol 80 mg, Anti nausea meds at 60 mg and the scripts for muscle relxant and pain meds that isn't addictive...still won't take it unless I have to. This is the reason Dr's hate me...I treat everything as natural as possible...this includes the diagnosis of ms in 2003 that for the last several years has been in remission so please do not feel one bit sorry for me. I take care of myself...mind/body/spirit. I work-out more than the average woman because I am training for a marathon...I'll get through this.

Yes, I am hurt about the Master I was under consideration with and He was/is a wonderful man...not His fault distance is a bitch and work comes first.I understand that. I guess I need more nurturing and care than most...okay I know I do. I'm sorry for that, but I am not a broken doll...not made of glass, but I am fragile. So yes...Caution: Fragile...Handle with care!

I actually can't complain...I have not been to the ER since October 2011 with these migraines/tension headaches...severe tension headaches they were called.

Wow, life never ceases to amaze me. One day things are going beautifully, and in an instant everything can crumble right before Your very eyes. Let me just make this very clear...I am no longer "owned"  and I still have been acting as such. It wasn't anyone's fault and He was definitely someone I could have seen me sharing my life with, but work comes first and I know that. We did not plan for this to happen. I cherish all I the talks and for Him helping me see even more about myself. THIS is why I am guarded...This is why I do not give my heart...This is why when I give my submission and surrender I give ALL... Make no mistake I was deeply enslaved mentally...It does hurt to just be forgotten...left to the wolves once again, but oh well. Enslave a woman and make her dependent only to leave...yeah that fucking hurts. I suppose He just didn't want to hurt me by telling me it won't work now since He will be even further away than a few hours...Hell, even NY would have worked...Oh well...

I am a damn good woman, slave, submissive...not a role for me, and yes very intense, but perhaps I may never be able to share or find this side of me with a man and should just go back to vanilla where it's all wine, roses, and romance and ignore this ache in me for not just love but to give my submission. You see this is what I want...a relationship...an honest to God relationship! I don't want to just be someone's slave or submissive...it goes much deeper.

Maybe I have met Him already and maybe I have yet to meet Him, but in my heart I feel He is out there...waiting for me and I'll be ready when He is. :-) Seriously I am beginning to not even trust my judgement anymore though...I get close to someone and feel they are too and then as always...Poof...gone.

One thing that ALL Dominants/Masters should and need to know is 1. keep that communication going with them daily because we will sub drop so quickly it is not even funny. The deeper You take us, the more we will be dependent on You...especially emotionally. It feels like we have been abandoned and forgotten, and it fucking hurts!!! 2. It does not take much...when You aren't with her just let her know throughout the day You are thinking of her...emails, quick calls just till more time will be available later. For me...A simple assignment especially a written one...a journal...Just keep me in that head space and I will stay there...Even while going through my day to day life I promise I never forget my place. yes, slaves/submissives are a big responsibility...I know I am!! LOL  I guess You would say I am high maintenance but not in the material way. Most men just can not handle my intensity and for this reason I don't trust easily...I have walls and barriers but they are not uncrushable...I want someone to care enough to tear them down.  3. Just because I am a slave does not mean I am a slave with NO rights, decisions, etc, but YOU will have the last word and have my total obedience and respect...my unending devotion and faithfulness. I am submissive, but I am not a doormat...I have a heart...I have emotions and feelings and they run deep. If I am told to do something and I know it is in my best interest You won't have to ask again. I will make myself vulnerable, open and naked to You in every way, but NOT till I know You and I know I can trust You... 

So really...I am in the dating scene again at almost 35?? Ughhh. This sucks.Sure, I am putting myself out there and I am going to get hurt, but one day...I won't.

If I do not respond to Your messages please know that if I feel we would have ANY connection outside of all the D/s I will be writing back. Today I am having a horrible migraine and it has been the WORST and most stressful day of my life. I am almost to the point of tears. Just when I get 2 steps ahead it seems I am 3 steps behind after. I am not lonely or desperate...I have NO trouble getting a man but I refuse to settle EVER again. I have met some very sweet and wonderful men on here that I could very well see potential...damn geography some times just gets in the way. ughhh I'm not rushing...when it's right I'll know and when it's time we will be know...until then the search is on...:-) Time to just meet people and go from there...it takes time for feelings to grow...and love...that is what we all long for...Just know my heart is not given freely...

Damn Damn Damn!! That is really all I can say tonight. Master is away working a job and we canceled this weekend which turns out would have been perfect...go figure. I haven't gotten to talk to Him for a couple of days and it sucks. Hopefully it will all work out for next weekend/Valentines weekend. We are supposed to have snow Valentines Day/weekend but I don't think that matters with Sir.

Must I beg for a reprieve?? Yes, I am sure that is what You want from me. lol   Just got done today with 5 miles and they were interval training miles so I'll probably pay for it in the morning. Early morning so I suppose I need to get to bed. Horny, aching, and throbbing...STILL. This slave feels forgotten right now... :-(

Well, I did know it was going to happen...said so yesterday. I am disappointed and not a very happy slave at all right now. Trying not to drop here, but I did get to talk with Sir yesterday just not last night and NO reprieve either!!! Orgasm control sucks when it is this long.I'm doing good if I can make it even just a day but it's been a long time!! Sir had to go out of town for work so Valentines it is unless that falls through too. :-( Yes, I am a grouchy, sassy little thing today. Mother nature is roaring at me but not yet...If I had been with anyone in the last 3 months I'd be freaking out that I was pregnant, but alas no been a while for me, and not since my last relationship. Then this morning I wake up to a swollen eye lid...that hasn't happened in a year! No, It's not from crying either. lol I'd hoped to be crying out in pleasure and pain tonight...ughhhh this just sucks!! Perhaps next time Sir can just take me with Him!!! ;-) Just a bit discouraged...okay a lot!!!

Well Damn it!! I just know I am not going to be able to see Sir tomorrow and if I am wrong it will surprise me and I will come back and say I was wrong. I have this gut feeling I will be spending Valentines with Master and that is even better. Yes, forget the hearts, candy, and flowers...I'd rather have handcuffs, toys, floggers, whips, blindfold. spanks. and all that  D/s and M/s fun entails...all the pleasure and pain. I do love deep red roses...the deeper the red the better. I think Valentines Day is over-rated...why does just one day have to be set aside to show your love and affection? Why can't it be every day? That is why in a relationship I make it a point to show my love and devotion every single day. I know the perfect gift to give Master...Me!!! ;-)  ALL of me...

I just had something scary happen to me at the grocery store...some weird ass guy was following me around and even when he was with his wife he told her..."now that's a pretty woman" and she slapped him. I didn't even know if I was coming or going because he was scaring the crap out of me. All my internal alarms told me run run run and that I did. I was fantasizing about Master and I getting groceries and the little subtle acts of dominance that keep me in my place.

Today is proving to be quite a difficult day on the home-front that is. As far as pertaining to Master and I...Well I was and wasn't a good girl today. He had never asked me to strip for Him and I was just not ready so I was thinking like a "vanilla" girlfriend. He spoke firmly and deliberately, reminding me of my place all of which took maybe 2 seconds if that, and I was there again. I did so and as always He made me feel beautiful and cherished. It's His property after all , and even the "wrong" time is not mine to deny Him any part of His property. Certain things totally embarrass me and in vanilla relationships it would not matter, but this whole truly knowing me inside/out, flaws and all...the thought of being taken care of just like a child is cared for...Oh yes makes me blush and want to hide my face. Things like Him giving me an enema(can't even fart in front of a man much less that!), kitty being shaved to His liking, being given a bath, hair washed, feed...the list goes on and on. You do not get this transparency in normal relationships. So everything...mind, body, emotions is all His. I do look forward to seeing Him and spending time with him so very much... Oh and supposedly I am 1 day for the "time" and man am I in pain today...on a scale of 1 to 5, it's a 10!!! 

I am not a happy slave tonight...I am a bit grouchy, in a bit of pain, and  desperately in need of a reprieve from Master. I didn't get to have  our usual talk tonight or talk to Sir all day so yes that is contributing to my grouchiness.  This sucks!!! I may not be seeing Sir this weekend as planned due to work, but hopefully at least by Valentines day weekend. I think about cumming and it's like my body won't let me now until I am given permission. Sir already has me mentally, emotionally, and even physically enslaved...So I will just go back to bed and pout...This just is not fair. To beat it all I had someone I thought had been a friend for a while now show their true colors and  that trust I once had is gone. I never thought that would happen. So like my song says..."I don't trust easily. So when I do, if I give all of me...You know it's true." I give myself 100% to my friends, family and 150% in romantic relationships...yes, that makes me completely vulnerable. I NEED Sir...Yes, I said it...He knows...I don't like NEEDING anyone...call it my stubbornness, but I do not like it one bit.

I am an instrument in Your hands and like a violinist and cellist brings forth sound slowly, a guitarist finding that right tuning, ever so slowly plucking the strings to make their instrument finely tuned and vibrate accordingly to their liking...I am His instrument.

Like a pianist that runs their scales and techniques, developing their skills to play  a song perfectly,  and just the right touch on the keys will make the dynamics change...as do my dynamics change as I am touched with just the right attack...harder, slower, softer, pizzicato, legato, fortissimo, forte, piano, or that ever climactic sffz!!

I am Your musical piece to be played as You will...every chord, every note, the tempo, and all that piece entails. I am the music and You are the lyrics...so play me until only You can hear it. You need to know that You now that Your instrument is ready and the tunings are just right, You are able to make Your instrument sound. The sounds coming out of me, Your instrument ...making music, a symphony of unadulterated and intense passion, my moans, my screams of both pleasure and pain...The sounds coming from deep with inside me. Only a musician that knows His instrument can do this...only a Master can know His "One" so well...

With that said...Feeling likt maybe another song is right around the corner...

Food for thought... A friend of mine that has been a Master for quite some time said this in reference to a writing I had...You are like clay. But in the hands of a master artist you can become a piece that takes peoples breath away when they view it, or you can be like a clumsily made ashtray or crooked bowl, or something equally uninspiring.

Well now! I certainly do not want to be  like that poorly shaped/molded bowl! I know that is what a good Master does...They shape, mold, and make us even better than before...only bringing out the very best, and the slave in turn brings out only the best in her Master. I think any great relationship does this or should in my opinion...physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally, and even spiritually. You grow, learn, and evolve all the time. I do hope I become that perfect symphony...that beautiful masterpiece, and His precious possession and treasure. A diamond, but a diamond is at first just a piece of coal that has been pressured and then polished only to find that all along they were really just a diamond, but someone had to care for it and show that silly lump of coal her beauty underneath.

"You seem like a great fuck"... Really? This is a message? My answer to that....You have NO idea!! ;-) I have no lack of confidence in my seduction or sexual skills to please my man. I have gotten more compliments than complaints. Oh, I am far from perfect, and every man is always different...In every relationship it came with different needs and likes, and part of the fun of it all was just exploring one another. I regret to say though I have not even had that opportunity of truly exploring and being explored inside and out YET! It is true...seduce my mind first and everything else follows. So while I am indeed a great fuck, lay, whatever You want to call it, it is only when I am in a committed, monagoomous relationship...a relationship that is built on trust, communication, and that deep intense emotional connection which hopefully leads to love or more intense love. Obviously sex for fun is satisfying but fulfilling, absolutely not. Just is in my music...I put all my emotion, all my passion into everything I do and that includes the relationship. While I am a slave and a natural submissive slave at that I am also very much a romantic. While I am a new masochist that has just discovered she even wants to gift her Master/Sir with not only her submission but also her pain but all the while completely trusting Him to know her so well and read her so well that He will push her limits and make her scream in pleasure and delight, but will never hurt her even as He is hurting her. Every lash, spank, whip or flog, every denial or forced release of orgasm, every moan, scream, or cry is all For His pleasure and not just my own. How selfish it is to hold any part of myself back, and it is not in my nature to do so.I want to give ALL of me and if I can not then I will be no more better off then I was in a domineering vanilla relationship or in relationships with men that were emotionally unavailable  and void of any real deep connection. I have said this in so many entries but it rings true...without the trust and communication no relationship can or ever will work. I can say what I want till I am blue in the face, but it does not mean I will get it I know. I will get what I "need" and those wants will be met when Sir deems it appropriate. D/s and M/s is surely not for those women that are weak because it does break you but only to break you to build her back up even better than before...stronger even. I mean, how broken can one be when she literally has given her very arousal over to His control...It is fucking torture!!! Still I would not want this any less because the whole dynamic of it all fills a very deep core need that has many times gone unmet. I even crave the discipline, interrogation, and yes even punishment...not just the funishment but real honest to goodness punishment...being kept in my place...facing the repercussions, and meeting the challenges and commands. I enjoy tasks and assignments of course, and the whole psychological and mental domination too. I adore it when Sir gets in my head as much as in my panties, and both...at the same time...now that is intense.

Back to the whole point of my rambling...Yes, I am great in bed, but let's not just keep it in the bedroom and not just sexually. I have so many layers to myself and more than the physical...Those ache to be explored as well. When I say I want to be taken and owned...I mean that and in every way. Being taken care of and being His princess while being His little slut...to have and to hold...Yes, even fairy-tales are kinky and I can see the D/s all through those too..."Little Red Riding hood...what woman doesn't want to be "eaten" by the Big Bad Wolf?, Sleeping Beauty being "claimed" and woken up not just by the Prince's kiss either! I could go on and on, but my point being that I truly believe in every woman we have this innate desire to be claimed and owned it's just some, like myself need it as much as the air we breathe. Oh it hurts...to control my orgasms and to fully surrender myself this much is quite a feet indeed. I'd want it no other way...it's one of those delicious aches that remind me...I am OWNED... already. That being said...I am sure Sir in His wicked devious mind can come up with way more than I could ever imagine and yet still be romantic and passionate...why He seems to fit the whole package for me anyway... ;-) And the ache continues...

I swear I am going to (Pardon my french!) fucking explode and spontaneously com-bust!! The sad thing is I just may be now waiting till Valentines weekend for my Valentine!!!  I did it all myself...it was all my own fault. I was just laying down and my thoughts of course went to certain scenes in my head with Sir so I started touching myself through my underwear and teasing my nipple and it was maybe 5 minutes or less and I was close so I backed off. I did this a total of 10 times edge time taking me closer to going over the edge, but since I have not been given permission I never went over. It had to be just a few minutes later Sir called and I asked for a reprieve which of course I did not get. I don't think my begging and  pouting works either. So now, here I am aching so bad it fucking hurts. Sir teasing me and now making me ache and throb worse, giving me all these deliciously wicked thoughts and knowing exactly what He's doing...oh yes...can we say torture??  So tonight I am going to bed all aching and throbbing...BADLY. What I was thinking about at first was just Sir teasing me and touching me the way I was doing so but I was blindfolded and then other various implements and devices were used to only keep me on the edge for a while. I'll be damned if Sir didn't know exactly what I was thinking...I swear it's like He gets in my head and can read my mind. I don't even have to say what I was thinking before He says it first. Maybe we just think alike and that in itself is very hot or maybe it's more...maybe He knows me so well...better than possibly anyone ever has. I know I gave Him ideas tonight when I told Him what I did denying my orgasm 10 times. Hearing "good girl" immediately made that throb increase and the more He talked the more it built up. Yeah, so now I am now going to bed...a throbbing, grouchy, pouty slave that really needs another reprieve!! lol I know I know Sir...not a chance in that happening. How long will You hold me on this edge till we see each other?? Damn now I am going to have dreams about it. Well IF I cum in my sleep then it wouldn't be my fault right?? ;-) Ice...Ice is what I need in my panties to stop this swollen throbbing pain...Fuck the chocolates and roses for Valentines...pleasure and pain and teasing and pleasing...that works better than any box of candy...besides I don't eat chocolate much. I'll be dessert...and breakfast, lunch, and dinner. lol  

I am sure I am going to have some eyes rolling by this  statement, but yes I watched the Bachelor tonight and I'll be damned if my sub/slave buttons were not pushed watching it. The best part of the whole thing was it was all about facing fears and trusting Your partner even when You don't know where it is going that  You have that much trust in them. That seemed to be the whole thread that ran through it, and then there was the one that immediately pushed my trigger in a way that if Sir had been here...well for one I would not have been watching tv obviously, but this one scene...She hands him a blindfold and he did not hesitate one bit to take it from her and put it on her and immediately started taking advantage of the fact she had no control and she had to trust him. She just let him lead her and followed him literally blindly and not able to see. Afterwards she told him that it was hard to give him all the control and he told her that he liked her giving him the control. I felt those butterflies and tingling deep inside and it is just hard to put into words. Turns out  she was a lot like myself growing up and HAD to control everything around her for everybody not just her, and that continued for me in ALL my relationships even the Master I had years ago. I never really had to relinquish all my control, not even sexually. I am sure you wonder how can I be such a submissive slave but I am because all I have ever wanted is to trust, love, and connect with someone that I can relinquish all control. I have got a taste of it already with Sir...It is scary and beautiful, frightening and arousing, and He fuels that need and makes me crave for that dominance to an even greater level more and more each day. If He were to blindfold me right the moment our eyes meet would I trust Him already that much to lead me and guide me? Would I be afraid or would I be trembling in anticipation? Well, it is a little of both. I think for me trusting any man is taking a HUGE leap of faith and requires a whole hell of a lot of trust. I do though...I really do.  I was listening to Puddle of Muds song "Control" earlier and it would definitely work if you know what I mean? ;-) Everything about this lifestyle requires total and complete trust,  transparent communication and of course respect and for me love as well...That happens later I know ;-)  So yes, I am standing on a mountain, my feet hang over the ledge and we are so very high.I look down and my heart sinks.  I am afraid of heights, but I take His hand and follow Him...I follow...Knowing I am safe and protected but I am not afraid of the scrapes and bruises on the way down that mountain. ;-) Eyes wide open...both to all the pleasure and pain.

Damn it!! This is NOT fair at all. I am so hot I am throbbing and well...knowing I may be waiting another week possibly is driving me mad! I am making it worse for myself by the minute just by my deliciously wicked imagination. Quite honestly, I can not think of a better valentine than to spend it with Sir, and ALL that entails. I seriously need one more reprieve, but this time I have a feeling I won't get one. I am going to have to just ache and throb I know it! It's not easy when I can be aroused by Sir's voice and He knows it!! There are certain trigger words and phrases that will push my sub/slave buttons till I am begging...begging for what? That depends...pleasure, pain, orgasm, or all the above over and over again...I better stop thinking or I'll get myself horny again. lol

Taking a break in between students for a few moments...I swear all I can think about is control...well loss of control that is. As an instructor of 16 years now I have control of my students, control of the music, assignments, their techniques and how to achieve them, the dynamics of the music, and their discipline...Outside of students and teaching I and my music and some day to day things, I really want very little control. I do think that is why I have always needed and craved dominance in my life so I could have that balance. Some only need the D/s and M/s dynamic in certain moments or scenes, but I am one that needs it 24/7. All it takes is just subtle acts of dominance to keep a slave in that mindset all throughout the day, but again I seem to never lose that mindset. I am just always aware of my place. It does not matter if we are watching a movie, listening to music, working-out,, having dinner, etc it is always there...that underlying dominance even in "vanilla" situations.

Pain and pleasure...pleasure and pain...Losing control of orgasms and not knowing if You are going to be kept on the edge for a long time or denied them, as well as being forced till You are so tired and You can't possibly cum anymore...harder and harder until You are exhausted or black-out. That extreme pain and pleasure, pushing one's limits of their very own bodies. Oh I have much to learn said the grasshopper to the Master...I haven't even begun to even start I know.

As a teacher and musician I am a slave driver and my students will vouch for me on that, but while it feels comfortable it does not feel natural for me in other areas of life...sexually and otherwise.

Many of my thoughts seems to consist of  the psychological game of everything D/s and M/s is all about...All the man y contradictions and them alternating pain and pleasure, hard and soft, rough and gentle, hot and cold, intense and calm,not being allowed to cum vs. being forced to cum repeatedly. It throws our senses off balance and it is thrilling yet terrifying. it is interesting though...our brain can cope with too much pain, but it can not cope with too much pleasure. This gives our Master full control body, mind, and soul.  So back to my point...it's all about control...My old Master had so much control that I had to ask permission to go to the bathroom or anytime I were to leave even for a few minutes I had to inform Him. I liked being kept on a short leash...quite literally. ;-)  Now what I don't like are the things we have NO control of... situations that can arise, change of plans and such. I am learning that even with things like this I have to let go of even that and just trust Sir to handle things accordingly, and I am doing that for this weekend. Seems I have thrown my body off training for this marathon I am working for this late spring. I am having intense pain and not the way I would prefer my pain to be administered. lol   Then again that won't be for me to decide either...ughhh I guess I do fight to keep control even when I don't want control...my stubbornness and me being feisty perhaps? Could be...     Now

We are still in the middle of a snow storm, but hopefully this is the last of it. Had a pretty productive day after speaking with Sir. I finished up on a song a wrote a few weeks back so that was good. I have a friend of mine, Angel that is also a slave and she keeps a journal as well, but not here. After I see Sir I will move my writings so only He will be able to see them, but it is nice to be able to say it here for time being. I  got the idea from my friend Cynthia and Her slave. I think that unlike "vanilla" relationships that transparency and communication as well and trust of course are at the very heart of it all. D/s and M/s to me just makes that connection and that relationship so much deeper and I like that...I need that! It is surely not all just about pleasure and pain or dominance and submission 24/7, but isn't that always just right under that surface? To some...just a normal couple. but to those who know I want them to really know...Wow, she is such a wonderful obedient and loving slave...she is always thinking of her Master and what she can do for Him or how she can help Him. Oh I want other men that see me with Him to be envious...jealous even!! Respect...that is what it all boils down too...Respect for Him and respect for myself because I AM a direct reflection of my Master and I have said that since I entered this lifestyle from the beginning. Just a little of my two cents here. 

I am very much looking forward to seeing Sir...I  know I am not to worry or even stress myself out over hoping everything is perfect...easier said than done...I am very much a perfectionist and want that first date to be perfect...as close to it as possible. :-)  Damn you mother nature!!! lol  Letting go of control in every day situations takes some getting used to because I am so use to doing everything on my own and being independent and self sufficient. That is NOT how I want it to be but how it always had to be. I will close with an email I got from submissiveguide..."Connections either happen or they don't." I am fine with both outcomes I really am, but a lady can hope right? ;-) 

I got a reprieve this one time... thank You Sir... :-)

My poor cat thought her mommy was being hurt and I know  my neighbors 18 yr old heard me screaming...I think I almost passed out I swear. I know I will not be able to have another till Sir is here, but He knows my needs. :-) What was I thinking about? Actually it was what Sir said and just that one command. It's really a big trigger for me...verbally...commands, telling me what to do and what is going to be done or while doing it.  I thought Lee was nuts in the Secretary movie when she got off just by His words on that paper...So yeah it is my Sir's commands and not thinking what most think I would think about...Him touching me, teasing me, things said and done, fucking me, my ass, being made love to while unable to move, on my knees, oral given and received...no, I do think about that all the time, but that wasn't what "helped" me. It was also that I had permission. THAT did it for me! Feeling much better.

I am still getting tired of certain rude messages from someone that I do believe they know me from someplace else(the name was so obvious) and because I wasn't "in" to them they are being very rude and crude. Guess I need to block yet again... ughhh

I am in a really bad mood today... cramping like a bitch!! Just too much going on today...My head is spinning. This is one of those times I really need to be put in my place and discipline, etc.  I need to feel pain, not the damaging type of pain, but the kind that will make me weep and release. I feel that this "time" I am of no use to anyone so I want to be be of use regardless.I want to suffer and hurt for Him... I am also sexually frustrated and I need an orgasm so fucking bad, and oh how I have thought all day...just one and Sir would never know but as quickly as that thought enters my head it leaves. For me to do just does not feel right, and besides He knows I need that control taken away from me and I want...no I NEED Him to have it. I am also just not happy because of the timing of "mother nature" right now. It is pissing me off! I do not want this to be a repeat of the first time I was with my Master 4 years ago. That was hell!! It was right after my Birthday and we had plans and my anticipation as well as His just about drove both of us mad. That very day... yes, bad timing. I literally cried in my bathroom for over an hour until He came in and asked what the hell was I doing? Oh nothing I said as I wiped the last tears from my eyes. He asked what was wrong and when I told Him it was like I shot an arrow through His heart. That's when He said "oh well it will be good experience for you to learn orgasm control." Oh that it was...Our play was very limited and I had to wait two more weeks after to see Him. Can we say sub drop??  Happy damn Birthday to me! So I got to thinking today...what if I am STILL out of commission? I want Sir to have ALL of me with no limitations in the way. I have never felt this level of anticipation or anything bring out the slave in me like Sir does and the last thing I EVER want to do is disappoint Him. As of right now...mother nature is being a bitch...right this very moment and I just hate it when unexpected things happen right before a date....You get so excited and that build up is so intense...so yeah this is not a happy slave right now.

Let's see...when is Valentines Day? That would be the following weekend...God I don't want to wait!! yes, I am am stubborn and impatient so screw it!! Still 6 days left so it's still VERY possible it will be fine. So Valentines Day? Screw hearts, candy, and the roses please give me whips, chains, restraints, floggers, pain and pleasure NOT just romance and love. All the above of course... Hmmm how about Sat or whenever because I am off till Tuesday..Hell I don't care...I do not want to wait so hoping and praying I won't have to.

The other I am upset is because of some jealous idiots that think they can make me feel stupid and like shit because they want me to dump my Master and go to them. HELL NO! The connection I have with Sir...they can't even come close to. I NEVER intended to meet anyone or thought of a Master and I have met both and so I would be a fool to not see where this goes and furthermore I like Him! Besides never met a man that can "handle" me that the attraction is there like this. My intensity frightens them. It's just so much more than sex and the M/s, D,s!! If I wanted just it would be no different than getting with a vanilla guy again and settling.  So there this slave has spoke her mind...:PT

Today has been a very cold and snowy day here and still snowing. I am snowed in and although that sounds like quite a romantic and interesting time, but Sir isn't here yet!! 6 More days and I can't wait!! I am hoping "mother nature" will have made her visit and be done with by Friday evening. Yes, I am getting a bit impatient with it. I do not want anything to ruin our time together...our date so I just want to get it done and over with...mother nature not the date. lol  I do not want to have to reschedule or put it off till the following week. :-(  Now why didn't we just meet this week...He could have gotten snowed in with me and well...I like that idea!  Still NO expectations just anticipation, and hopes that it will be wonderful for both of us. Can't tell I am excited huh? lol

I am still receiving messages asking to chat with me and if I have Yahoo, as well as some Doms that are really getting on my nerves being rude and belittling me...treating me like I am a dumb stupid naive sub. I am not a sub...I am a slave damn it!!!  Like a friend of mine on here said they are sorry for the trolls and people having no respect for myself or my Master. If Master allows it, I'll be sure to take some pics...just a few.  Any way...Gotta ask...What part of I AM OWNED and I don't talk to other Doms/Masters is hard to understand? A nice hello will suffice but threatening me and harassing me and being rude and disrespectful just will not do.

I saw the weather was nasty tonight from here to where Master is and we lost connection earlier suddenly. I do hope everything is okay. The roads have been nasty all day and still are.

It is now about 2:47 am and just had to write about something I experienced.  My orgasms are enslaved even... I was laying down and just started teasing myself and where it's been a while I was right on the edge of cumming but I just stopped and would not allow myself. I would have been defying Master since He did not give me permission to do so. It brought me almost to tears because I needed it so bad...God how I need to cum! It helps me start and since I want to by no later than this morning all the more reason. Still...Even more orgasms are a gift and not mine to give...I need Him to control them, to force them, and deny them.

So this slave is calling it a night and going to go watch her movie as she drifts off to sleep. Ughhh I can't cum till I see Master...another week...less than that but still too long...Can a slave pounce on her Master like a hungry panther? Is it okay if I tease Him the way He is teasing me??? Are we playing cat and mouse here? You dangle the cheese and tease me while You wait to pounce on the poor little mouse? LOL  Yes this little mouse wants to be caught...Why did I get an image of Tom and Jerry? Yeah, time to get offline.

At the moment I am NOT a happy slave... I was called a  very trusting but "prototypical submissive" and very naive, and my response to that is Yes, I have been and I admitted that to my Owner. As for my write-up being a road map to how to seduce me for predators and pretenders to seduce me...It is NOT how to seduce me, but it is what I look for and need, but if you read further You will see it says I will not just submit to just anyone...It has to be in a relationship. I have to KNOW that I can trust You and I am safe with You. As for the whole fake Doms and Predators...Do you think I don't know that 80% not 95% of the men on here are fakes and very much pretenders? If I was completely honest there are men like this I come in contact with all the time on here and in person. Hell, I was married to one, dated a few, and found that were not who they said they were. My guard is up, my walls have been up, and I just don't trust easily. However, I trust my Owner/Master and Yes, I will call Him that because He has proven to me that I can trust Him and well obviously I am NOT looking for any other man or Master, but want to pursue this and see where it takes Us. My eyes are wide open, my heart is receptive, and I am learning to trust and heal from all the other assholes in my life, with Master. Clearly, if He wanted just a piece of ass he can get that anywhere, just as much as myself can find cock any time I wish BUT we both have looked for a deeper connection that goes beyond the kink and lifestyle but it is at the very center of it.

This is the reason I wasn't sure about coming back to this site because I know this place is a meat market...a cesspool of fakes...no matter what the role/gender. That is just it...I am NOT just a submissive...It's not some damn role I play. If for any reason my Master thought I gave myself away too much and put myself in danger He would be having me take down my profile and leaving this site.If it be His will  for me to do so I will...after all If I have found everything I have been looking for in a man and a Master I won't look any further.By the way...all my friends on here...I know personally so your 95% of people being fake is BS!!

Oh and one more thing...Even boyfriends can become predators and pretenders especially when they are getting you drunk to the point you are passed out  and they rape you but at the time it was just rough sex. It was my first time I ever got sloppy drunk too.Even my parents, friends, and students were all deceived as well... I am not proud of how stupid I have been in the past and several times at that, but I have never been with someone I didn't care about or love. Even friends with benefits and I have only had one one night stand. Yes, I have been too trusting, let things happen too fast, and that makes me foolish and a fool. I admit I have been...no more. There are fakes everywhere...imposters all over, and the internet has made this even easier to be fooled. Yeah, Master knows...I have known TOO many assholes in my life!! TOO many fakes/Imposters for sure.

By the way.

Taking a bit of a break and just got off the phone with Master, from working-out. Damn I thought my blood was pumping and heart was beating fast during the work-out!! How does He do this to me? Some things that I shall not mention that were said totally excited me but the whole poly thing...no, just makes me a sad slave basically because I want my Master ALL to myself and it would kill me. Sir knows so much about me already in and out of the lifestyle and while I love that it also makes me incredibly nervous because this is intense even for me. It's scary how much I connect with Him, and even scarier how much I trust Him. I don't trust easily...which my new song I wrote when I first got back on here was about states.

"I don't trust easily. So when I do, If I give all of me no question if its true. A woman and a child, a fire running wild, a burning ember...my sweet surrender."

The whole package...His and ONLY His, BUT if He wants me to be of service and not just sexually either, to His friends I am saying this here and now...IF we connect I WILL do so no questions asked, no hesitations because then He'd be that whole package to me...my Master,Owner, Boyfriend, Lover, etc etc and I would be His slave, trophy,slut, bitch in heat, girlfriend, love,etc etc.  The kind of man that will fulfill me...one that I really can see myself spending the rest of my life with will have all these dynamics and are all one in the same. I believe that the woman is submissive to her man in general...Hell even that was mentioned during a Wed night class at church as was slaves, and this was before i re entered the lifestyle. I can not say enough how that triggered what I had been feeling for last several weeks.

I know my place...I have always known my place. I want the kind of M/s relationship many of my friends have. They all seem so happy and yeah...in love. It's a deeper love...a deeper connection. The slave is not a doormat and I know Sir would never see me as such, but He will make demands on me, challenge me, and maybe I won't like showing my ass to some guy across the room or to turn him on. I may be shy at Him touching me in public or His friends, but I have to trust that He knows where to take me or where to stop. I do...God knows I do or I'd be walking away right now, but He is like a magnet and I am the steel...drawn to Him like a moth to flame. I feel this "pull". I love how we connect even outside of kink and that I can have fun not just all D/s all the time, but then again it's all D/s and M/s 24/7. I never seem to forget my place and don't want to. I know He will always have my best interest at heart and that I will always be protected and no harm would ever come to me physically or any other way. The funny thing is but I know I am going to hurt FOR Him! Okay, not so funny *as she hides behind the covers to ignore the impending doom of the whip*

Just wanted to write a little since I am still very much wide awake...

Wow!  I can not believe that a week from tonight I should be with Master. Am I nervous? Yes... Am I excited? Oh without a doubt! Am I scared? Yes, a little because it is always scary meeting someone that You don't know. There is no doubt we have such an intense connection and I am really hoping we have that in person as well. Can I just be a girl here and say that I hope He likes me! lol   It seems that every man I have dated in the last few years or so have all been what I 'thought' were dominant men, and that is what I have wanted most in a relationship...The dominance and submission...Their dominance and my submission. Since about October I once again had this increasing core need to submit and surrender...to be owned...be someone's possession...a priceless possession at that. In the last relationship I knew I was not just a submissive and never have been. My slave heart beats like a kick drum and it's echo can not just be heard but felt all throughout my body. God, how I want to be treated like a woman, fucked like an animal, and taken...  
Obviously I do not have any expectations but I do have some very real gut feelings that I can't ignore. I know that my body is going to be trembling like a leaf in the wind, and my heart pounding as I can feel my pulse pulsating and the blood running through my veins like hot lava...setting me on fire even before I am ever touched. Where I have not been able to orgasm and won't be able to until I see Him, I swear all my senses are heightened and elevated beyond elevation can go. Master is pleasing to not just my eyes, but my my ears...His voice...it does things to me that just can't even be put into words. When He says 'good girl' my legs go all weak...when He calls me sweetheart my heart leaps and smiles. Can a Master really make their slave feel this way? Can an Owners property feel this way in such a short amount of time and that every day it just gets stronger? NO!! I can't NEED Him...I won't let myself...well, not yet anyway. lol I haven't met You/been with You yet... Oh Master how can You effect me so and furthermore why does it so strongly? Trust me  whatever I am feeling or will ever feel will NEVER decrease the effectiveness in Your dominance and the M/s dynamic...if anything it will increase it. I know my place...I know I can be hurt as much as I can be loved and in time will want both just as much. It's a very masochistic way of seeing this in this way but it is true. 'We hurt the ones we love' and that phrase just takes on a whole different meaning. It's not abuse or even being used...It's being useful and of service, and just my gift to You.Submission and surrender are a gift thus the reason it is very intimate. It's like a little secret between two people and that bonds them even closer and tighter...bounds me to You in fact.  It's a total surrender and knowing I am in good hands even while they are disciplining me. So here I am just trying to imagine what we will be doing this time next week, hopefully, and just the intensity of our connection being in real time, not just over the phone, but being there with Him. I am shy...He knows this, but I am letting Him lead this dance...I need Him to lead it. I will take His hand and follow Him, trusting all the while as I have been.  
But, I swear I am NOT rushing this and in fact It will go at the pace Master has set. If all goes well...well I will be His slave, His possession, His property, His lover, His girlfriend, HIS slut (Only His), and just quite simply...I will be His...ALL His. However, this takes time, feelings grow and the intimacy grows. I'm scared more than anything of loving someone and giving my heart again. I'd rather feel the pain of 50 hard spanks and whips on my backside than to feel the vulnerability of giving my heart. I know it sounds ridiculous and being the diehard romantic I am one would think it would be so easy BUT it is not...when it happens it happens and I fall hard. I love hard and I give even harder. So I'm just looking ahead...hopeful, but it may never happen and I know that. We could just meet, have fun, connect but not at the intensity either of us need and want. So no, not getting my hopes up on this, but God how I ever hope it really does work out. You see, I HAVE to have these feelings if I am going to be a slave. I need to be able to show them, tell them, and ultimately give them. Then...I can finally say and mean it with all I am... Yes, Sir I am Yours...ALL Yours.   
Several good things have happened since meeting Sir... Just knowing Him, being inspired to write and do my music, and learning more about myself than I ever have. So no matter what the outcome of all this may be...I am fortunate...I am blessed to even just know Sir. I am a better me...I am a better slave...I am a better woman because of that. From the bottom of my heart...I thank You and I hope I do the same for You if only just half of what You do. Damn I need this...I admit it... 

What a day it has been already! Just sitting here waiting for my stomach to settle so I can go work-out. Mom and I went for lunch and of course my ex shows...An ex I lived with, was engaged to for 3 years! It feels awkward and weird, but it's one of those things where You get along better as friends because we just were not good together. You'd think when we lived together on and off for 3 years I would have gotten that through my stubborn head, but obviously I did what I had to do months and months ago and have not looked back. It is an empty feeling to be "with" someone and yet you aren't "with " them at all...emotionally that is. I have only been in serious relationships and a few friends with benefits that I never intended to happen, but I am human and had urges. lol Sadly...those urges and desires...those needs and even wants were never satiated. I understand I was denying the slave and my submissive side and that was a major cause of my ever increasing hunger. Dominance and submission have been threaded all throughout my life from childhood on. When it is not in the relationship I am unbalanced, off kilter, and just can't be myself. I can not be truly happy or fulfilled because it's like a just exist and not really living. For so many years I thought I was weird or maybe I wasn't strong enough in myself or my faith and what I believed, but that has never been it at all. I had the puzzle but still needed to find those missing pieces. The mystery has always been there, but needed to find the clues to solving it.

Over a year ago I found a piece of a puzzle laying on the ground and so I picked it up. I have kept it because it reminds me there are many pieces that make up the big picture of events in our lives and we just have to find those missing pieces. Sorry I got all philosophical here, but that is what D/s and M/s will bring to my relationship...the missing ingredient so to speak. It seems it has taken me years to realize the slave heart I have actually consumes me, and the more I fought it the stronger it got. This is why I love Anias Nin because so many times she says the things I want to say...my deepest feelings that perhaps are scary for even me to admit. 

Oh how I can relate to her cries...Not the big part. lol  I love clitoral orgasms too though...;-)

"[We] were never made for each other. He was too big for me. And then he would always come too quickly, almost immediately, and I was slow. In fact, for months I did not know the deeper orgasm. I only felt the superficial orgasm of the clitoris, which he excited with his hands, but nothing deep down. The amazing thing was that it was only a year later in Paris that I felt the deep orgasm. (unpublished diary, 1943)"

Finally, she achieved that which was sought...

"Electric flesh-arrows traversing the body. A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids. A foam of music falls over the ears. It is the gong of the orgasm."

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book (Lady Chatterley, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death."

• The Diary of Anaïs Nin , Volume One 1931-1934
• "“We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them.”
  ― Anaïs Nin
  
  
  

How so true... I always did this... One can not be someone they are not because in the end their true colors shine through. Real dominance and a real Master are not created they just simply are... they Master their own lives, they are dominant by nature. ... Just as one that is a slave by nature is just that...submissive and has a slave heart because of who she has always been and not what someone has made her. A good Master can see this and He will mold and shape her into the best her she can be to Him, to others, and herself. He will see what others have never been able to see.

Okay, my two cents for the day in this diary of a slave heart...

You are the predator and I'm Your prey

You're the sculptor and I'm Your clay

You're the conductor and I'm Your piece

Hungry and waiting, aching for release

You're the spider, In Your web I'm caught

You're the teacher, I'm the one being taught

You're the owner and I'm Your pet

Leaving me trembling and wet

Come little red step inside

Said the wolf with the glimmer in His eyes

Trust me You have nothing to fear

The beat of her heart was all she could hear

Come now said the spider to the fly

Don't be afraid, don't be shy

Don't You know it's one in the same

all the pleasure and all the pain

You're the thorns and I am the rose

Everything

Everything is not as it seems I suppose

You lead this dance, You set the pace

We take our time, this isn't a race

You are the Master, I'm a reflection

Obeying, serving, following direction

You are the music and I am the lyrics

I need to feel it and You need to hear it

Come little Alice, come follow Me

Said the rabbit  while She was on her knees

Welcome to Wonderland He says with a smile

Looking at me with the eyes of a crocodile

The wolf, the spider and rabbit all in one in the same

Just as the screams calling out Your name

Some in pleasure and some in pain

Both tears and my arousal falling like rain

So the dance continues and  I follow as You lead

A dance of dominance and submission

of desire and need

Looking at my

Can a slave sometimes get sassy and want to tease her owner profusely because  like He is her??

Can a slave get sometimes sarcastic and tell Him she doesn't care if He punishes her because she's feeling a bit neglected?

Can a slave want to scream, pout, shout, and pull her hair because she can feel slave drop set in?

Can a slave be so sexually frustrated that she can't see straight all because she gave that right to orgasm to her Master and He alone controls it be it denied or forced?

Can a slave just in spite of what has been going on around her and how mad she is, and even still pissed that she feels like He left her to the wolves the last few days, still finds comfort and all the things she craves and needs for Him and Him alone...at least for now until we meet. ;-) Then, I am sure it will be intensified by 1oox!

I know it's my journal and I know Master reads it but just venting because I really do "NEED" Him and damn it I HATE saying that. I do not want to NEED any man, and I will try my best to make sure I don't. He is making me fragile, breaking my walls, and I have never felt more exposed. So I am going to go have a glass of whiskey and see if that will help relax me since I can't have an orgasm!!!!!  I am true, loyal, faithful, and honest almost to a fault, and I will graciously accept His pain next weekend if He wants to inflict that upon me for being a bit mouthy, but I swear I mean no disrespect I'm just venting is all. What can I say? Subdrop is a bitch! I wouldn't even classify it as official sub drop by emotionally it very much is and the orgasm control and Him knowing me so well...scary, but I am fighting it because I swore I wouldn't let myself get this close to a man after this last relationship.  Still...He doesn't have my heart...yet!! ;-) If we truly connect and it is this intense next weekend...Oh, I will look into His beautiful eyes and I will give Him whatever He asks of me...my mind, my body, my pleasure, my orgasms, my tears, my emotions, and yes...my heart! ALL of me...BUT only then. I know it takes some time for this trust to grow. Perfect song..."Magnet and Steel" by Walter Egan...Sums this whole M/s and beginnings of our relationship up.

"(With you I'm not shy) to show the way I feel
(With you I might try) my secrets to reveal
For you are a magnet and I am steel"

Said the fly to the spider...

I am sorry for venting earlier, but it is my journal and what better place to vent right?  Just got off the phone with a friend of mine I haven't seen since the part I was at on NYE and she is such a sweetheart. We started off on a bad foot because she knew the guy I dated for a while, but after we spent time together we became very good friends. She is a slave as well, but more of a switch since she has a sub of her own. She calls crying and really upset so I just sat there and let her vent and listened. I was telling her about Master and of course i got the "be careful honey" that I get from everyone since I have had a lot of fakes in my life...Master knows this well. We talked about sadism and masochism, and how she is hoping she gets beaten really good this weekend so she can find some release from a horrible last few weeks. I see I am not the only one to find pain cathartic. I'm not crazy!!! yayyy. lol  She also talked about how she is missing that security, order, and structure with a Master. How she needs a firm hand and mind to guide her. We both were on the same page that we both LOVE romance and love...seriously I am a hopeless romantic to the tenth degree, but when I am given roses I want the thorns too. I want to feel the sting, the pain of the thorn, and knowing it will make me bleed just a little bit. Hell, maybe  It's why I like vampire films, movies, etc. as well....The pain of the bite...but the pleasure. "There is pleasure in pain and pain in pleasure." She said that to me tonight and it stuck. Although the pain I feel tonight is not pleasurable...cramps, bad ones!! I wonder if Whiskey might ease it some...then again maybe not such a good idea since it takes very little to work like truth serum and it's always the subconscious truth that even I am not always aware of until someone tells me what I said.

Trust, communication, honesty, and keeping that going daily, the transparency and vulnerability, allowing myself to be naked to Him in every way...It's beautiful and frightening.

Who knows where this will all lead, but I feel confident in my Leader, and know He won't hurt me in any way, but He WILL hurt me. Make sense? It's just now starting to make more sense over the last few days. I want to learn, share, and explore life and love, as well as D/s and M/s have to offer. I want to learn more than I ever have about even my own body and it's responses as well as my partner's of course. Inside and Out...through and through

Right now my body is screaming OUCH! Ever since my dr had me quit the pill it has made this time very painful and by tomorrow and the next two days I'll be crawling on the floor. I LOVE to crawl and beg but not like this!!!

Exactly  almost one week from today...and NO expectations We shall see...

I am a bit of a pissed off, sarcastic, sassy slave right now. It is the wrong time of the month to be pissing me off. My head hurts too... Still I teach my one student for today in a bit and then I am off till Tuesday. Why can't people read, especially one in particular. I DO NOT CHAT so stop the requests and please read the first line on my profile...enough said. I AM OWNED unless after we meet and find we are not compatible for a relationship but even IF that were to happen I know we would be friends and I would be fortunate indeed.

Surrender means giving up. Submission means giving in.

Pain/Pleasure... Enslavement/Freedom

Such similar paradoxes and yet very much connected just the same. I think that D/s and M/s is all about the ying and yang, the opposites yet still very much entwined. This is why I have always been drawn to this way of life and not just sexually but in every area. I could be bound so tightly that I cannot move and yet I would feel free. I could feel the stinging pain of being spanked or whipped and I would feel pleasure and relief. I can be put in my place even just verbally and feel balanced. I can not explain why I NEED this...Why I have always NEEDED this... The discipline, order, pain, pleasure, the reward and punishment. I cannot put into words how I can be both aroused and scared or how I can feel loved, safe, and protected by taking even pain, receiving punishment or discipline and not just embraces, kisses, and loving gestures as well. I can not even begin to understand why these things are almost crucial to my relationship and well-being.

How certain trigger phrases effect me and their many ways they do. I can go into subspace and into deep submission when I feel that dominance and control with someone I trust and have "feelings" for. How much greater will it be when love is in the equation? It's the words used, the tone and inflection used, and many times a subtle acts of dominance will make me light up like a Christmas tree or explode like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

It doesn't matter where I am, what I am doing I am still very much aware of D/s and M/s in my every day life 24/7. I like being told what to do and what is being done. I like being given assignments and tasks. I like serving and being obedient. Knowing I am making others and especially my Master gives me such a sense of completion and balance.

It really is crazy and every day I am learning more about myself that I didn't know or maybe I did but just needed to be led and guided...that is something else I crave. and NEED...to be led and guided and when I trust You I will follow...totally, without reservation, and with all my heart and being.

Something I recently realized is that I have masochist tendencies and that fuels my hunger and curiosity for sadism and edge play BUT I have to know 100% for sure I trust You with my life and know You will never do anything to me to hurt me or cause damage physically, mentally, or emotionally. Everything about this lifestyle I hunger for and it grows more intense all the time. I am intense and this lifestyle fits me perfectly with its intensity. 

And I won't even go into how having my leash pulled or even just a choker I am wearing around my neck being pulled in a passionate kiss and to look Him in the eyes, makes me feel...It is beyond words. It is beyond words how using my hair to pull into You or being pulled firmly not ripping my hair out of my head but firmly, gives me chills and drives me into a heads pace a Master needs from His slave.

This morning I was once again woke up by another dream of Master...This time He was using a violet wand and I could feel it even in my ass. That sensation literally woke me up and I orgasm!! I was soaking wet when I woke. :-)

Sensation play...and sensory deprivation, orgasm control, forced and denied, oral given and received...all of it in that dream!!

I was asleep and the harsh winds and snow storm coming woke me up. This is when I really want to just be held right now.(pathetic I know, but it's just nice to feel safe and protected) I live on a 2nd floor over a garage and so the high impact of these winds is quite terrifying right now. We are due to have 6 inches of snow by 4pm and it is going to be cold once again.  Next weekend looks very nice though...almost spring like weather. Hopefully there won't be a power outage

Just waiting for the wind to die down so I can go back to sleep.

Just sitting here listening to the wind howling like a banshee outside and blowing so hard one would think the house was going to fly away like in the Wizard of Oz. It's been raining all day and my head could sure feel the barometric pressure. 60 mph winds right now...a little scary actually. Earlier we even had tornado warnings  and now we are having this and snow moving in. I wonder what the weather is supposed to be a week from today. OMG!! It IS  just a week now. That "time"...my visitor just needs to go ahead and get here already!!  In pain to the point I am crawling and usually an orgasm helps me but since Master said not until i see Him and especially since I broke my toy that I was kinda hoping He would use in public...ughhh so much for that fantasy for now...damn it!!  I can be a feisty, sassy, and sarcastic little slave, but only in fun and NEVER out of disrespect...only teasing and picking. 

Last few nights I would be talking with Him right now, but He is a busy man and I know He will call and check on me when He can. So I am kind of doing what I do best other than music, and that is writing. I do hope He is okay...Weather is nasty all over right now.

I think I know exactly what I am wearing and NOT wearing on our date, and I wonder where there is a really nice place to have a nice dinner because around here there is not much. I do love Japanese and Chinese food...Sushi is light and truthfully food will not be on my mind but for once in a very long time I don't have to make any decisions and it feels great!!!  Letting Sir lead this whole dance and I am just following...much like a beautifully erotic tango.

I have a feeling this is going to be quite a ride or maybe I will be...or both.

No expectations...none...she says with her fingers behind her back and a devious naughty gleam in her eyes. Seriously...I can not already be thinking the way I have been. I want Master to see me firstly as a lady ...oh hell! I have already crossed that line I know and I did not mean to but oh yes I did. lol He pushed my sub/slave buttons and that is all she wrote!!!

I want to cum so badly right now .

Not many men have ever been able to handle me and how intense I can be...I do believe Sir can! We shall see... ;-)

Damn it Master I am wet and waiting and horny...I'm always this way right before. I better go get under my comforter and relax. If I don't talk to You tonight Sir...Missed You tonight...sweet dreams and goodnight.

So far it has been a very productive day in spite of the weather. I am amazed at the audacity of some men that regardless of me being owned they still want me to text them, call, talk, etc. It Just WILL NOT happen when I am with someone or even just dating them I am ALL theirs as long as I am with them. This is even more intensified with the M/s dynamic. Being "owned" means I belong to someone. If I give anyone my time it would be the man in my life right and why would I take any of that time away when not with Him I could be doing more productive things and DO. I do not know how much more clear I have to be because it says on my profile and in writings so here I am repeating myself. I am monogamous...I don't share or want to be shared and Master knew this from day one. I am flattered and the compliments do not go unnoticed. You see, this is the difference in a woman that is a slave and one that is just a submissive. Slaves are fiercely loyal and dedicated to their Master and are always thinking of how they can make His day better and what they can do to make that happen. Slaves take care of their Master but also of themselves because we know we are a gift...a treasure, and by not doing so is a total disrespect to our Master. Submissive are wonderful but slaves go deeper and want to keep going deeper. I just did not know that even back in 2007 I knew I was not just a sub, but a slave.  My music clearly reflects that was what I needed even back then.

Anyway I was just working out earlier and it occurred to me I will see Master now in less than 2 weeks!! I am nervous, excited, and if I was honest with myself and Him, I would say there is even a little fear. Not just fear He may hurt me but fear in myself at how much I may want Him to hurt me. No permanent scars or damage but just reminders of our time together. I have been saying pleasure and pain, give me roses but not without thorns, all the implements and devices/fetishes/turn-ons without a doubt, but what I LOVE and have craved and needed for so long as that D/s, M/s connection and dynamic even more so than I have in the past. A deeper connection...a deeper love... Still I am going to be cautious and guarded with the one thing I just can not give freely and He knows what that is...My heart. One day at a time...one step at a time...and this meeting is just getting closer and closer.

Taking a mini break  from my work-out before I get into the kick-boxing/pilates portion. I was just thinking of how I have changed since 2003 when I was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I have changed mind/body/spirit and still growing, evolving, and learning. I knew I was submissive back then but had no idea how much I was. I could not walk on my own, one eye was double vision, and I couldn't feel my legs or feet even on the ground. I would pass out at the drop of a hat, BUT even then I was jogging on the track where I used to work and I worked 3 jobs. Two days after the firm diagnosis I met a NPD named Dorothy by serendipity(I love this word). I was going into a local health store and she comes up to me and right away knew I was very sick. My husband at the time told her more and she immediately got me on the path to healing by taking supplements my body needed and year after year I have improved. I am blessed to not be in a wheelchair...I am blessed that I can walk, and I am doubly blessed that I can now jog and run some days it is harder than others(like today due to the weather) but I take breaks and won't stop until I have finished. Ms does not define me BUT M/s very much does. ;-) Hey, I couldn't be all serious in this entry. What fun is that??

I do think I am a masochist because I don't care how much my ass hurts or my muscles and joints ache it does not stop. I have the ability to work through the pain. I don't even want to say this because I KNOW it will be tested and possibly challenged, but I have a very high pain tolerance. I did not say it doesn't hurt and I don't cry at pain, but I just take it. The ONLY pain I can not tolerate is a broken heart. Nothing hurts worse, and in the last relationship and even others, that pain was absolutely intolerable. So  since ms effects everyone differently and no two cases are alike different factors can cause flare-ups  and they can last anywhere from a couple of hours to months or worse...(foods,weather, stress,sickness, needing rest, getting overheated,missing nutrients and things your body needs, etc.) I take care of myself...I have to because no one else has ever seemed to give a shit until lately, and this is where I know  I may have a problem because I am very much a strong and independent woman but yet I want to be dependent on another. It is such an oxymoron but so true. Upon looking at the first few journals or so on here I can see where I was stating this about myself.

This weather is giving me a bit of a migraine but I'll work through it. My ceiling has a leak and with this rain today it is like Chinese water torture which makes my head worse. The slow drip drip.. agonizing...Off back to finish my work-out and make some calls to my students to see who I will have with me come Feb. Ahhh the life of a starving artist...always feast or famine. I always make it...I'm stubborn and do not give up easily on anything or would that be me being resilient?

  I I

Blissful frustration, aching sensations

Constant reminders of my place and that I am indeed owned

It sucks that the only orgasm I can receive is the ones I am getting in my dreams. I have woken up almost every morning wet since I have met Master and my favorite toy I was using I suppose I used that high setting on the vibe way too much, that I burned the vibrating egg up. I have always been very hard on my toys and wear out the vibes, and no it has not made me desensitized at all!

Talking to Master tonight I was reminded how easily just a word or a "talking to" can make me feel little. That tone...the same voice that arouses and excites me can also almost make me cry or leave me literally speechless and feel so vulnerable. It is the same feeling I can remember having when I was a little girl and a teacher or someone in authority was not happy with me. I need to be interrogated and disciplined and somehow it is yet another facet to myself and my needs He somehow already knows. I got in trouble just a bit for "thinking" before I spoke. Well damn, it was the total opposite with my master 4 years ago because I HAD to think before I spoke, and so now I have to break that. When Master asks a question I don't need to think about it and just say it.I will do better...I am a work in progress and having to relearn a lot of things. Again, I am just not used to that. He has got to be the total opposite from any man I have ever been with or dated. That is a very good thing, but I can see I have definitely not been treated well or appreciated. That actually makes me just want to weep to be perfectly honest and have not been led or guided appropriately. I know it is because of the slave in me...just wants to love and be loved, surrender and submit, and give and take care of the one I am with. I wanted to trust and time after time that trust got broken. Every time that happened another wall was built,and another cut to my beating heart was added. It was if it was ripped right out of my chest. So this has left scars and lesions, and here I am trusting a man I will soon meet. I'm trusting Him with all I am as well as my battle scared heart, but more so I am finding that I WANT to. Yes, I must be a masochist and He a sadist because I KNOW He could hurt me badly  with how much I am letting Him in but I don't care!! This kind of deep connection and allowing someone to break down every wall will hurt more than a bull tail whip striking my ass over and over...and I want both. I want to suffer and hurt for Him if it be His will(Great Leonard Cohen song) Quite honestly I want to love so much it fucking hurts!!!!( I mean that literally as well) I'm not there yet though and don't see me giving my heart anytime soon...my body...Oh yes!!! My mind...of course...Taking His pleasure and pain like a "good girl"(God, how those two little words do something to me I can't even put into words, but my body can.)

I feel like I am prey and He is the predator always looking and watching me but I don't run and hide because I WANT to be caught...I want to be ravished and captured...PLEASE!! lol  If I am a bitch in heat than I need to be hosed down. ;-) I really do not need to be this horny tonight because it's just not fair!! Still I do not defy or touch myself because I gave that right away until we meet. I will be a "good girl" for Him because I respect Him and just because He says so. I have always been obedient any way, but this...this feels different. Damn it my wicked imagination and almost that time so I am so fucking horny and I am sexually frustrated and my pussy is throbbing and aching but I like it...I love feeling that ache because it does remind me that I belong to Him...for now anyway but there is always that chance our connection and chemistry may be different in person than on the phone. That is okay too, I understand. If it is...Oh God have mercy on my ass because Master surely will not! lol

I need to go to bed now... just wanted to vent since I am not allowed to cum. I do believe I am pouting just a bit. lol

A Deeper Look: (Was on profile, but this is a better place to add it I think.)

First off..Not looking...Let me just say that obviously I am seeing someone and I am Owned, but it was this whole thing that helped someone see me...still I do not know what my Owner saw exactly because I was just being me...as I always am. I am just not a fake person in any way, shape, or form. What was it that He saw?? What captured His attention or more His heart? What made His "spidey" sense chase after me? That He was...persistent to say the least!!! How did He see the slave in me no one ever saw but my friend...not just a submissive but a slave?  I guess I did put it out there...lol  Still...

So I want to add it here since it is more than appropriate. Wow I did say no safe words!!

A DEEPER LOOK (Or skip it if You don't care to know)
Guess you could say in a way that I am a hot mess. I am intense and a firecracker, and most times feeling like I am going to explode. I'm shy and I blush easy, but once I warm up I am a chatterbox and loosen up. Just as any woman, I have walls, but I want someone to break them down...crush them...I am so sick of the games and really want something real. The kind of relationship that makes you want to write songs and takes my breath away. I am cautious, delicate, and fragile but I won't break. Just handle with care. I am wildly feminine and all woman yet I am vulnerable in a good way with the right man. I am very sensitive inside/out and yes I can wear my heart on my sleeves. I am a woman and child at the same time. I am loving, loyal, faithful to a fault!! I give 150% of myself in the relationship. I do not feel I have to be your top priority, just a priority. I want you to be You, in all your glorious maleness. Before anyone asks me...yes I am submissive but I am not a doormat. I long to give myself to someone again,and hopefully even more than I ever have before if that is possible. When I am into you, you will know it, and most importantly you will never doubt it for one second. I will flirt and tease when I am, but nothing is forced...friendship first. It is how I was raised and I suppose I am old fashioned in that regard. I am human, and if the chemistry is there I won't deny it. I just want to know that it means more than a piece of tail!!! I don't need a man for my happiness but I would like to find someone that compliments my life in every way. Someone I can learn from, share, and enjoy all this life has to offer in life and love... I am classy, mysterious, seductive, confident, and can be a man's every dream come true if I am given that opportunity. Once I give my trust to someone and they break it then there is no second chance. I will walk away and leave you in the dust to wallow in your own selfish ego. Don't take advantage of my heart or it's sweetness. I love my friends and I love my family. I am fiercely loyal, and will help really anyone because that is just me. Seduce my mind first and then you will seduce my body. Seduction starts in the mind. I want to be seduced, wooed, romanced, and maybe even a little scared. Push my limits gently it's okay, but be sensitive to my harder limits. There is such a fine line between anticipation and fear, pleasure and pain, and it is beautiful and intense. I want to be able to say..."I will do anything You ask for our love" and know that feeling is mutual. Needy..no...desperate...no way, but I will get lost and forget where I end and you begin or vice verse. Go ahead...dare to get inside my head...I welcome that...
I want to be known inside/out. I want to know I am "safe" physically and emotionally with someone. If I break down in tears wipe them away with a soft touch and kiss them away. If I tremble steady me. Lead me and I will follow but only when I know I can feel secure and know it's safe to do so. I want to be able to be able to come to you about anything and everything and know Your eyes won't roll, You won't be angry, or push me away. I want to be an even better woman because You make me the best woman I can be, as well as I make You a better mate/partner/Dom, etc. too. We bring out the best in one another. I want to know it's okay to express my feelings. I want to just be the very best me I can be for that one. I want to learn and grow with You...even make mistakes and learn from those too. Life!!! Experiencing life and love together!
I am a submissive through and through, a natural submissive and not a role I play, and no it is not all about the kink...That is fun, but it's the power exchange...The deep connection I wish to have. I want to be protected. I want Him to be jealous and even overprotective, not letting me out of His sight, and to be on a short leash so to speak. Don't be afraid to discipline me, punish me when needed, give me that consistency, order, and structure I absolutely need. Oh, I can do this myself, but I don't want to all the time. I want to be able to make my own decisions but know that I don't have the last word. Basically...a mix of D/s,M/s, taken-in-hand, within in it. I also believe that in relationship, be it D/s or relationships in general, there are no secrets and that there should be total transparency...be it emotions, physical, etc. I like just laying it all out there. Can't say enough about trust and communication. It's why so many relationships fail.

MY SUBMISSION
I am a submissive with a slave heart. and I can relate to both dynamics. My submission goes deeper in the relationship than just a submissive of course.
I am not going to submit to just anyone, for one it's ridiculous, and two it could be dangerous. My submission and surrender is a gift, and sorry but I'll be damned if I give this gift away again so easily or my heart. Like any other relationship...friendship first. I long for a deeper connection than just kink, sex, and fetishes, that "COULD" develop into a relationship possibly. I have stated what I AM looking for/longing for all throughout this profile from the main profile to writings. I will not settle any longer. BTW...I DO NOT play with couples, wish to have a female Dom, the multiple play partners isn't me either, nor do I just "play" with anyone I don't know and trust.
I am one day wanting a relationship again but with D/s incorporated into it and will be ALL His and not be shared or share. No Poly/swinging for this lady. If you enjoy it that's great... just not my thing.
Did I say that the things I look for in a Dominant are indeed the same as I want in a partner/romantic relationship? Vanilla relationships were always missing that "something" I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Now I know that what was missing was that D/s connection I absolutely need. Yes, this means that my Dom/Master would in fact be my love and I His. I want to give Him ALL of me...submit to only Him. Yes, I want the lifelong relationship... I will need no safe words because I am trusting Him with even my very life. I know I am protected, safe, and loved, and He has only my best interest at heart. So...I repeat...I DO NOT and WILL NOT just give my submission and surrender so freely, and not until I feel safe to do so. Just like anything else, I want to know someone. My safe guards are up more than ever.
If I trust you...I really trust You until I am given a reason not to. I am a strong woman but I want a stronger man to lead me. Oh how do I ever!!!

and of course...

WHAT I ALWAYS LOOKED FOR
Can you sing me a song? Write me a sonnet or compose something just for me?
Play an instrument the way I would like to be handled myself?
Can you cook me dinner and want to get cooking in the kitchen...cookbooks optional?
Can you dance with me? It takes two to tango you know? How about slow dance or waltz?
Can you dress up and dress down and still have your own style and charisma?
Do you like to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands anytime, anywhere? In other words are you comfortable being romantic and loving?
Do you like songs wrote for you, sung to you, or maybe a quick note to make your day brighter?
Can you keep up with me?? I work-out, do yoga, pilates,and try to get in a 5k and up to 5-10 miles a day unless I am sick, or more depending on time..I am very much into taking care of myself mind,body, and spirit.
Can you make me laugh, not just any laugh but a big belly laugh? Like to travel?
Can you give a good massage and help me relax because teaching gets stressful sometimes as does life, and we all know that!
Are you passionate and adventurous?...I think it should be fun and intimate. I have been a submissive/slave and want this in my relationship and hopefully one day in marriage. For me I have to have the passion/romance/love for me to completely surrender and give my gift of submission. I tried it the other way, several times and it was not for me. I need to know that I am truly loved, appreciated, cared for, protected, safe, and treated like the lady I am.

If You are passionate about music, a musician/vocalist/songwriter that is a huge plus because this is my passion and a huge part of me that I desire to share together . It has always been a dream of mine. Looking for my muse...my duet partner in life...the lyrics to my music. or inspire me to create even more.

Must not smoke or try to quit at least. I like a man that takes care of himself by working-out, eating healthy, and if he likes to cook that would be good too or I can teach Him. A man that has a sense of style and dresses for the occasion.
He would also be nurturing, passionate,romantic, loving, understanding, positive, and believe in God...or at least respect my beliefs,faith, opinions and thoughts and not want me to change this about me. I go to a non-denominational church and have been for 11 years now. We are not your typical church either, and anyone and everyone is welcome without judgement. It's all about grace anyway. I am NOT about religion. I do not expect everyone to believe as I do. What a boring world that would be. I am not judgmental and very open-minded obviously, but if You want to know more do feel free to ask and I will share. I just won't "preach" at you...not my style. I'll accept you for who you are and as you are. Just be real. I do have high morals...
Yes, I am a "good girl" and I don't sleep around, but not saying it has never happened of course because some times that chemistry is just there. I just want so much more than sex or kink. I will not just submit or surrender to anyone either.
The man I seek ...He is Reliable, responsible, secure, dominant, and emotionally stable as well. With the right person I am very passionate, romantic, and sensual and will give 150% to them...mind/body/heart and soul .Surrendering all of me...
Trust, communication, and honesty are essential for me.

It is important to me to have someone that enjoys some of the same things, wants the same things, and ultimately has the same goals and life paths. I want a relationship and not just a boyfriend or fling. I believe a relationship should be 100%/100%. Do I believe in soul mates, destiny, and all that jazz? Yes. I believe that you know when you know...Serendipity such a beautiful word.

Contents are Fragile...Please handle with caution...

I am running...running for my life and not out of fear but more out of the fear of all these emotions I can't explain. I told Him that I was afraid of giving Him my heart and before I knew it I feel these strong arms pulling me back and just holding me as I cried, shaking and holding back my tears and sobs, and reaches down and touches my face and tells me no stop those are for Him. As I look into the man's eyes it is not just anyone, it is indeed my Sir, Master. I was running from Him and without any shoes, and He was not happy with me that I did that. In most dreams I am running but no one ever comes after me, but He did. In most dreams my stubborn and strong self trumps the needy and dependent self I try so hard to to keep it bay. I am never the damsel in distress or the woman needing to be rescued and it is not because I do not want that but I am terrified to truly need someone and this comes from past relationships and me having to be dominant and always taking care of myself in every way in every single area...emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually.

In my last relationship I did think I found that until that 2nd night we were together and not that I can remember or recall much about that night either since He got me sloppy drunk which I had never been in my life. I didn't know I was even drunk and instead of stopping me, the man that promised to protect me and love me allowed the woman he claimed to love get passed out drunk and hurt herself. I don't recall even going to bed or undressing and the only thing I remember was how fucking bad his dick hurt in my ass and he was relentless and would not stop even after screaming the safe word. At one point that pain turned to pleasure and I was melting in it. He took me that way roughly at least 5 times in 2 months because it took me that long to heal afterwards. I woke up the next morning and He was laying at my feet not holding me. I was icky, hair matted, slept in my own vomit, horrible headache not just a hangover but from falling which I later found out. I try to go to the bathroom and can't. I was in tears and so swollen and He had given me gluten when he cooked dinner and the IBS was flared up bad and I couldn't go. I wake him up asking if we had sex and was he fucking me and my ass or was I just dreaming it. He said yes He did and I emailed some girl that was causing problems and told her to leave us alone but I asked nicely and he was right there beside me as I did.

Okay, so my whole point was although I was never allowed to drink like that again 80% of our sex life was me having alcohol and us celebrating which was why I even drank...celebrating what? I stayed in the relationship only because I didn't know better and I did love him. He was good to me, just as I think every single man in my life has been, but I was always nothing more than a pretty piece of ass and because I am  insatiable and very sensual and kinky at that, I was taken advantage of. It wasn't that way when I met the men I was in long term relationships with or married though , but still empty. So something always...always lacking...and it was the natural dominance I needed and craved.  It was that taking control not just in bed but where they ultimately have the last word. I am kept in line and on a short leash and structure, order, discipline is implemented ever single day. This requires one to know me inside and out and having to break me and my walls down over and over many times. It requires something I am UNCOMFORTABLE with...

Trust...intimacy...being naked in all ways before someone. Oh, I have wanted that for a very long time, but after all the bullshit I have been through in relationships I am so guarded and cautious. I don't even like to cry in front of any man I have ever been with because I feel I will look weak or be told to "suck it up buttercup". So here is what I'd do...turn my head and sleep with my back to them so I could cry, turn away if in public or go to the bathroom or another room and shut the door, or I'd hurt myself being a bit of a masochist I can be and crying through the pain I inflected on myself. No it wasn't always seen because I didn't actually do anything physically, but I'd let my headache or migraine get worse, or my stomach pain, or even a stubbed toe just an infliction that wasn't that bad but that pain somehow made me feel alive and as long as I could tolerate it I used it to release what was inside. I was the child that always got spanked but I was always wanting to feel that switch, hand, or belt striking my ass but as I got older I just got grounded. Obviously drinking is not good for me in access because it dulls the senses. I need to feel...I need to hurt...I need to ache...I need to feel pleasure...I need touch and lots of it...I need to be tickled and teased...I am so sensitive inside and out that it is ridiculous.  I reach subspace so easily by just a touch or even a word, but that firmness will set me off and take me over.

Back to my dream... I was not just held but held firmly. I was not allowed to run away from Him as I have everyone else. I was not allowed to turn my head and hold back the sobs. I had to give Him ALL of me...the good, the best, the bad,and the flaws. So I wake up trembling this morning thinking what the fuck am I doing??? I want the whole package and will be that but I have to quit being so stubborn and guarded and allow myself to be broken for Him and that scares me. I can give my body for His pleasure, and take pain for Him...I can let Him inside my head and allow myself to be seduced, but allowing a man in my heart...the one place that has been broken and shattered so many times that it is scared from me having to put the pieces back together again over and over...yeah, that is not just uncomfortable and scary but going to take time and care. I need to have one of those labels put on my ass or perhaps right over my heart where it says...FRAGILE.

This man...this Master ...Sir is inspiring me...my muse... He is bringing out the slave, the woman, the child, the submissive,the lyrics to my music I have searched for because I am finding and embracing myself, but He is bringing out the weakness in me. I'm supposed to be strong!!!!  Why is He any different than anyone else? How the hell can He be doing this to me already? Not possible...We have got to meet first and perhaps we will have a wonderful time and a great connection and not this intense connection that I have really been trying to tell myself it's just because we connect, He enjoys talking to me and I Him, He likes my creative side and will draw that out, but I have a feeling if this goes truly somewhere He will draw that out in me to the point I am uncomfortable with it. I say that because I have only performed 3 times since Feb of last year and just stopped. I still get very nervous inside and God forbid He would ask me to sing or sing and play for Him one on one because I am so shy...give me thousands of people in an audience but that one on one or small performances make me nervous. Why did I just admit this?? Now He will know...It's my journal and perhaps He won't read that. lol  Worse yet...what if I have to sing in Italian again...ultimate humiliation when one knows the beautiful language. I am rambling now so I better close before I just start giving all my secrets away. Damn it!! No one should know me like this and even the dark recess of my mind and my raging desire to submit, surrender, and be dominated. Like many women I do have my rape fantasies...in a SSC way of course.

I have had similar dreams as I had this morning, but no one ever chased my ass down and did not even give me a choice. 

I know I should be in bed right now, but I think that tea I had has kept me awake or maybe it is just because I am thinking of Sir and I's conversation tonight. I have been so used to having an orgasm right before sleep and I have been told I can not until Sir/Master and I see each other. I don't like it one bit!! I know it's not about if I like it or not...It is about knowing my place.I don't think pouting works, but that is what I am doing right now.

I feel as vulnerable as a child right now...I honestly do not know where  this is leading to, but I am putting my trust in Sir that even being used and taken roughly I am safe and will be taken care of. Wanting me to "need" Him is something new to me and God knows how hard I have tried not to "need" anyone. I may have wanted, but needed...absolutely not! That brings out the weakness in me and something I know He needs from me. So I will not hod,that back from Him... If He wants my screams, my cries, my tears, my pleasure, my pain. far it be from me to keep those gifts to myself.

Lord help me I am scared and He knows I do not trust easily, and yet I am doing just that...trusting. Time to go to sleep...finally sleepy.

 Just something I wrote a week or so ago and what I was feeling at the time, then again again maybe something deep inside me did know before I knew.

It feels good to be writing again.

For so long I couldn't be who I really am

Take it or leave it, don't give a damn

I was bound, now bound I am free

Look into my eyes...can You see me?

Everyone was always someone they were not

I...I was the one they always forgot

Taken for granted, now want to be taken

Like thunder, leave me shaken

Tried to control this insatiable thirst

Only to wound up broken and hurt

I hid this so deep, so deep inside

Until it could no longer be denied

I don't trust easily

So when I do

If I give all of me

No question if it's true

A woman and a child

A fire running wild

A burning ember

sweet surrender

Want to lose control

Want to let myself go

Take my hand, don't want to lead

On my knees I beg and plead

Take control body mind and soul

Don't let me go

Never let me go

I don't trust easily

So when I do

If I give all of me

No question if it's true

A woman and a child

A fire running wild

A burning ember

My sweet surrender
(c)2013 Penny P

Vulnerable...This is indeed what I am becoming and possibly more so then I ever have before. I swore for several years that I would never get back into the lifestyle, but I did. I swore that I would never become a slave for anyone again and I do believe I am. I simply wanted a relationship and to find the love of my life that would also incorporate the D/s and m/s dynamics, but this... this is going even deeper. Nothing makes me more vulnerable then giving my heart to a man(something I also swore I'd never do after the last relationship),and nothing makes me more vulnerable than "needing" them. Oh God, how that scares me. Trusting one with not just my body and emotions, but my damn heart is such a scary thing. I know that in time that I will have to give my heart, my need, and (gulp) my love. I will trust Him to protect me and keep me safe. I'll trust Him with my very life. I know that He can hurt me in so many ways  but at the same time He won't hurt me. Did that make any sense? I know there will be no permanent damage and that I will want to take His pain as much if not more than He wants to give it.

It is as if all my arousal, all my sensations, and yet all my fears are just all bleeding into each other. I have felt pain...God knows I have felt pain emotionally and physically but taking pain for pleasure(His and mine) now this is a new concept for me. In the past I've taken physical pain, but have yet to feel the sting of a whip or a flogger making me lose all sense of any control. I have yet to feel that excruciating pleasure and pain of orgasm after orgasm being taken from me till I can't form a coherent thought. I have felt the ache of wanting them and being denied, but not the ache of wanting it to stop. For years I have wanted to be restrained, dominated, wanting to be owned and possessed, and it is if now it could possibly happen and I am quite honestly frightened. I am held captive because He seems to know me and I mean really know me! It's not just the fetishes and play, but something deeper...something primal and carnal even. I tremble in anticipation, arousal, excitement, and fear. I don't know Him but He knows me. I haven't felt Him, but He can already feel me and I can feel Him deep inside. I know when He looks into my eyes He is going to see even more...can He?? He already knows even more about me than I have even told Him.

Am I really owned already? How can this be? Why is everything inside me screaming that I am? I do not want to rush this. I want to be owned by the man I love and loves me and always have. I need to need Him as much as He needs my need. Now, that did not make sense either. lol  I could turn and walk away right now. I could run and refuse to go on this path, but I do not want to.I owe this to myself to meet this man that I am connecting with in not just the lifestyle but in vanilla things as well, but even in those things I never lose my place. I do want to give not just smiles and loving looks, but my tears as well. Damn it I am so vulnerable...really really vulnerable.  My previous writings which are not but a month old if that ,showing what I wanted, needed, and desired being brought to light now my vulnerability, my nakedness is being exposed one layer at a time.Being broken so He can build me back up even better and stronger than before. Weak and broken for Him, fragile and docile, but to everyone else strong. Why does this scare me so? Is this what it feels like to have a Master? A Master that cares about every little thing with you? A man that wants to take care of me but Masters me. How can I go into a relationship knowing I am going to be hurt physically but also feel possibly more connection and love than I have ever felt? Feel more safe and protected and yet my body taking pain for Him. I am going way too ahead of myself here because I have never had love and romance as well as the M/s and D/s and it terrifies me yet excites me like nothing else ever has.

Nothing ventured...nothing gained. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out and I certainly do not want to waste any more time if we know that it is not going to. I will be thankful and blessed to have His friendship, and I will be a stronger better woman/slave, but IF it ends up the way I am almost afraid that it will...God help me because my submission just grows deeper when I am in love.Really? really? I am nuts for even thinking of that word. One step at a time... Oh did I ever say that I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT GIVE MY SUBMISSION AND SURRENDER TO JUST ANYONE? ONLY HAPPENS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ONE I TRUST AND LOVE?? Yes, love...then and only then will one have ALL of me.Any relationship develops and takes time. Still...I am giving this a shot and going to just see where it leads. I am excited...I am nervous...I am aroused. The anticipation and fear just keeps building with every day. I keep telling myself...it's just a date and to relax and go with the flow, but my body is telling me...my gut is screaming at me...it's not just a date!!!

To be Continued...Or Should I also say...Under construction? ;-)

Reading a few books that I have read in the past and a new one that looks interesting...Dairy of A Submissive by Sophie Morgan... Love this quote...“It may sound odd that such cruelty and humiliation inspired the thought, but by the end of our weekend I knew I loved this twisted, clever, tender man who got upset at people being cruel to animals but took joy in doing horrible things to me that made my head spin. He had understood the parts of me I could barely articulate, and coaxed them into achieving and enduring amazing and cathartic things. The intensity of it took my breath away – it was like no-one had known me as well as he had, could understand my nature, my personality, better than him.”

A quote from submissiveguide.
" I think her story shows that there is no harm in being true to yourself and exploring your fantasies sometimes it takes time to find someone who will share them in the same way but the journey is worth the end result and a lot can be learnt along the way."

She sounds a lot like myself. I was always a submissive, but I learned how to embrace that through my boyfriends even if they were not into D/s. I learned what I wanted and needed.

Whenever one hears about how one actually became a submissive you hear all kinds of things from abuse, rape, an introvert, or anything of the sort. How it started with myself had absolutely nothing to do with any "damaged" girl stories, but I am not saying I didn't go through those things. I just did not become a victim of them. Those things made me stronger.
It is just my submission started very young as a little girl and having two of her best friends as little boys that lived next door. It always came so natural to me to play those childhood games many of us played, damsel in distress, police/prisoner, dr/patient, Indian/Indians Princess, Vampire/Victim, and whatever else they thought up. The first time I was handcuffed it was thrilling, and I always wanted to be handcuffed after that, then they tried rope and that was even more exciting until they left me outside at night tied to the fence and it got dark. I loved playing those submissive roles and that bled into how the boys treated me all through school. My first kiss was "taken" not given. I was 8 and he pushed me to a tree. The boys were always pulling me into corners, pulling me into the bushes, pushing me up against walls and lockers, and it took a long time for me to say I actually liked it. I was a sweet submissive sweet girl until I was 21 where I just "played" and was alone with a man for the first time. He was older, dominant and a music professor, and all hell broke lose! lol I'm kidding. It was shortly after when I lost my virginity with my then boyfriend at the time. Just that one night of exploration brought out the sensual vixen that had been lurking there.

At 22 I met my ex husband and while that relationship wasn't even close to allowing me to be who I was, I still had not fully embraced it. I even tied him up on one occasion when all I needed was him to be dominant in life and in bed. I was in that relationship/marriage and living a lie...a miserable lie. Hell I was abstinent for 6 years obviously. I did not want to just jump into a relationship again.
After the divorce I met my friend Emma in Colorado and this was the first time I had ever heard of what I was. I remember like it was yesterday. She told me that I was a natural submissive and when I embraced it I would understand myself so much more. That I would understand why certain relationships are not good for me. I thought she was telling me that I was just a type of woman to be walked on, but no she was opening my eyes to the real me and thus began my journey into understanding the reality of my submission.

Part 2:
I moved to Ohio and Emma and I lost touch. I have often wondered if she is on here. I dated and met men and a few couples where I would spice up my friend's marriages...Oh that I did! For about a year or so while there I started to research this D/s type of life, and I watched videos, movies because I wanted to know more. Just like the first time I saw my first naughty movie as a child while we parents were asleep, I got the same feeling again. It was that feeling that You have discovered and learned something new. Of course as a little girl I was intrigued at why this man went under the women's skirt and what was he doing? ;-) As an adult watching the bdsm material and reading it I was more than intrigued I ached for it...It wasn't the play or sex, but the power exchange that pulled me in. I ended up at my best friend's, whom was actually a guy I dated but I ended up breaking his heart because he scared the shit out of me. He was my very best friend and we connected instantly, and the power exchange was awesome, but I didn't understand why He wanted to hurt me physically or how he got pleasure out of my pain and I ended it. We stayed best friends and still are, although He is married now. It was at my Birthday party he was throwing for me where now the sub was coming unleashed. He kept teasing me that he had some rope in the back and a paddle in the other room, and I didn't want to admit it but it got me aroused physically and mentally. His girlfriend at the time was being quite a bitch and drunk out of her mind, and brats did not appeal to him and I heard him disciplining her and spanking her and I couldn't help but want to hear more. This went on for about 30 minutes and he comes in the room and sits by me and smiles and said I was being naughty listening and I should get punished. My mouth just flew open and my eyes widened, and I was tingling in places I didn't know could tingle. At that time, I had only been with 3 men my whole life. Here was my best friend telling me I was getting spanked and with firm hands and a look I wouldn't forget He pushed me onto my hands and knees and the board went down on my ass. It hurt like a bitch, but I wanted more.He bought me toys and mentioned I needed a collar, but I was too shy to do such a thing.

After this occurred I stayed 3 weeks with some friends of mine where I really got to explore my submissiveness and became their live-in sub for those 3 weeks although that was not planned it just kind of happened. So much I learned about myself that I won't share but to those that know me. All I will say is lot's of fun toys and machines...That was the most submissive I had ever been in my life and I loved it. The play was so much fun, but still I wanted something more than the toys, the play, and sex could give me. Met my vanilla ex and once again, put the submissive aside and she laid dormant until we broke up the first time. Enjoyed my single life, but nothing ever clicked with anyone. One night I met my first Master which opened my eyes to the lifestyle and many new experiences, but sadly it was marked with deceit and mental abuse because it was an online Dom that I thought I was going to meet...Stupid me. He threatened my life and my family's life so another Master that eventually became my Master took me as His sub. I was happy...I felt loved, and appreciated, and serving Him and making Him happy was literally what I lived for. He came first in my life and as that relationship grew we went up yet another level.

I became a slave...a registered non consensual consent slave. This relationship was not about sex or play at all, only if He wanted it. I didn't matter what I wanted because I couldn't have any emotions, thoughts or feelings. He made all my decisions from what I was going to wear to my job(which I lost because of him) and even every little detail of my waking/non waking life. I had a bedtime, I had rituals I did every day, tasks and assignments, I had my collar while he kept the leash, my wardrobe was what he wanted, colors too. I would sleep by His side restrained and wearing my collar and leash where I had to ask for permission to get up for any reason. Yes, I also had bathroom control. He knew of all my friends on and in person. He had all my passwords and usernames from everything to my email to social networking sites. He used NLP and other techniques. The whole relationship was more mental than anything which I like. I was with Him for several month to half a year and after some things that happened and again...he wasn't who he said he was, I walked away from the lifestyle for what I thought was for good. I swore to never return to it.

For 3 years I was with my ex and almost walking down the aisle in fact. He could not give me what I needed in any way shape or form, the communication breakdown ended that relationship until I met my previous partner...again turned out that I didn't really know him. Yes, I was in love, we we're in love, and he asked me to marry him after only being together a month. I knew it happened too fast, but I really thought this was it and it was the right thing. I was his sub and he was my dom although he was not a real dom and he didn't want d/s in our relationship but only in the bedroom. I actually dealt with that and then the truth started to unravel and it all came out. Wow...more lies, deceit, and people not being who they say they are.

So here I am... Now I am involved in my Community and it is wonderful. Lot's of new friendships and my kinky family that when I am around them I do feel they understand me, more than most. I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment, but if it happens it happens and that foundation of communication and trust will already have been established..It would be kinda nice though when it is someone You trust so much that You would trust them literally with Your very life and they know you, It's not just someone you have no idea who they are and if you are safe with them. Yeah, I do think that is a very good thing.

Speaking of which...I'm going to my first bdsm class...first was a party in which was amazing on so many levels and now this...Still not sure as to why I am going since I am just a sub...unowned Ahh I know why...to see my friends and my mentors again and maybe learn something so I can tell my Dom what I like when the time comes. :-)

1-14-13
The classes were quite insightful and I did learn a lot, even had a few new things I may want to try at some point. Sadly, it did not go as I had hoped it would have and have been a bit down about it. Hope to see everyone soon, but it may be a while and this makes me very sad indeed.

submissive: It is a personality trait for me...a very natural core being personality that is simply who I am and if I wasn't I might as well quit breathing.
A Sub: Still retains some control but is in service to someone else. They can say no and walk away at any time. They have safe words and limits, and they are not "owned". I read an article years ago that said simply..."A sub is a volunteer and a slave is not!" What I did in the last relationship was I was being a sub and finally came to terms realizing it was just a role and he only wanted D/s in the bedroom. Well fuck!! Been there, done that, and was always miserable. That incompatibility is the worst even when You think it is going to work because you share the same interests,but you ignore who you really are like I did...A few times at that!

A slave: A slave is owned...It is constant...They are property. I know some slaves do have safe words and some have negotiated limits and some do not. Some have submissive personalities and some are only submissive to their owner. Some give up the right to leave or walk away and some agree to walk away if it is again, negotiated. legally I know we all have the right, but some of us really do chose to give that right up as I did before. Transparency is very important, and it is all about the power exchange. Does a slave obey without any question or hesitation? Is in the slave's voice when they speak to their owner? A slave knows it's owner and should better than anyone as does the Master/Owner. They know their needs, desires, and wants at all times. Then again some subs show that same respect to their Dom.
"A submissive is someone who submits willingly, sometimes on a case by case basis, to the will of another. A slave is someone who is wholly controlled and owned by another."

Myself...I have been both and that is why I simply say I am a submissive with a heart of a slave. I know full well if I was ever asked to be one's slave and that trust and relationship was there I would be without any question. I just like the feeling of being totally possessed and owned by one that loves and protects me, and wants nothing but the best for me. One that brings out the best in me and helps me grow as a woman and as their slave. In a way, you are molded without even realizing you are because I believe and always will that a slave and a sub is a direct reflection of their Dom/Master.

This is the question that I have been asking myself all day because I can relate to both. This part of my world is not a role I play, and I can tell the real Doms/Masters from those that just want the kink and to play the role. Real Doms/Masters can tell real subs/slaves from them playing just a role. There is nothing more aggravating than being married to/living/ and dating(I have had the fortune to have done all 3 lucky me) to one that is simply "not on board". I felt like I wasn't normal or a freak...something was wrong with me to feel this way.

For the longest time I felt ashamed, scared, and even tried to go "vanilla" just to run from who I really am. The last break-up showed me a lot... what I want and what I don't. It also showed me how just precious my gift really is, and how my surrender is not to be taken lightly. Recently I have met a wonderful friend that although they don't realize it they are making me better and I sure hope I can do the same as that friendship builds. I am learning more about myself and my submission as well as my slave heart has once again been sparked. The only thing I know is I can not deny nor fight this. As I said I will not submit to just anyone and although I am just not into playing with others because I have to really build that relationship and trust, i still find myself constantly being submissive but it is more out of respect. I love cleaning and cooking before the parties and doing what I can to make the guests have a great time, but this was how I was raised, and is in fact my very nature of who I have always been. No one asked me to sweep, chop and arrange food I just took it upon myself to do.Why? I just felt that in me. i can't tell you why exactly.

Sometimes I have to stop myself because even just light play this weekend, being tied up, the wand, etc, etc. and then feeling the vibes of real D/s from everyone just put me in subspace. Damn empath!!! It was a bit embarrassing for me because I didn't realize I could do that when it has been years since I felt that to that degree, but more intense. I know I need chocolate, but what can you do when you can't have it because you are allergic? So I worked-out a lot today. I have just been thinking about the whole experience and how much I learned and it effected me.

So again, I ask myself which am I? First off, I sure hope I did not give the impression I am a slut because I am not...I really did try to be a lady, but my sub buttons were getting pushed by all that was going on around me and my surroundings. I was soaking it all up, and freaking loved every second. Maybe another part of me was awakened over the weekend I don't know, but this is a journey I haven't gone before and I wasn't pushed at all... I found support and friendship by my awesome friends and don't think I could be doing this without that. I know I couldn't.
So my question...

Which am I?? lol I am both! BUT it must be only with one I am in a relationship with because then I can give every ounce of myself and pour all I am out to them. It's the only way I can. I cannot go as deep unless this is there. That trust and relationship You build is essential. I will probably keep saying this over and over. I want what I see my mentors have...I really do. It's not about the sex or kink it goes so much deeper and that makes the other things even more intense and deeper.

Part 2

More On Submissives and the "Type" of Submissives:
1. Role Play submissive : It is all a role. They play the part just for a while. When the fantasy is done that is simply it and they return to it if they got the thrill out of it. This is most definitely NOT me.

2. Sexual Submissive : they just want the kink and fetish. They want what someone has to give to them and it is all again about that thrill and the sex/kink. Once they are beaten, flogged, restrained, etc they are happy and just walk away happy that they got that "fix". Again this is not myself!!!

3.Online Submissive: You have some that are real and loyal but you have some that are playing the role over and over with every Tom Dick and Harry Dom. They say the same things to all. The real submissives are the ones that serve their owner well and realize they can't be together but still want to serve them and dedicate their love and loyalty to them. I have been int he 2nd group here, but it is not me any longer nor do I want this.

4. A REAL Submissive:
First off we are a rare thing. We serve from the heart and we don't need our Owner driving us to do something. We do it anyway...willingly, eagerly, and happily. We take care of our Owners and always know what their needs are even before they do some times. We don't need praise from our Owner because Their happiness and contentment is more than enough. We don't need others to see we are submitting and just knowing our Owner knows is way more than enough. We do as told, commanded and requested without hesitation. We always want to make make our Owner pleased and feel comforted and safe as we want as well. That look in their eyes and their touch means more than any praise or reward. You are always thinking "What can I do today to make their life better? At night before you go to sleep You sleep knowing you served well and find joy in that.
Some of us like myself, have very dominant jobs but when we leave our jobs we are back to who we really are...submissive and find so much security and joy in just knowing this. However, when I am with my Master/Dom all of this, all of the work stuff, family stuff, etc is put on the back burner so I can take care of Them. They make the plans of our days together, their word is final and IS the last word. they decide what gets done, how it gets done and why it gets done. I know they have my best interest at heart always.
I know they will protect me and take care of me. I know that my love will pull me into a deeper submission more and more and this will make our love blossom and grow. When He's gone I will do assignments, tasks, eat healthy and work-out, taking care of His "property" for the both of us. He wants a healthy submissive and I want a healthy Dom that takes care of Himself so He will be around for a long time...a healthy happy Dom is a wonderful Dom!! Guess who's responsibility is is to make sure they are doing this? Us!! We are to make them be a better person every day and help them grow. They help us to grow and be better too...It is a two way street.
That total trust and communication is always there and never lacking. I want to always be open and honest and be able to speak my thoughts and feeling freely without worrying they will turn me away or worse let me go no matter what stupid shit I might do or words I may say.
I do these things not out of duty but out of love and respect. I will learn all I can in my free time about the lifestyle to be better and serve better. i report to Him what I am learning and we talk about it. I cultivate my gifts and talents to be somewhat of a muse for Him and not just myself.
Sounds kinda like a traditional marriage I know because it is how I have always seen any man that has been in my life...vanilla or otherwise, but add that D/s M/s dynamic as well and it so much deeper and so much stronger as well as more intense.
I know I am an intense woman sexually and in vanilla things, but I am even more intense with a Dom because I depend Him and want Him to depend on me as much if not more. I want Him to trust me as I do Him. He takes my thoughts and feelings about everything from clothing and food to where we go or what we do, and He has the final word nor do I argue.
As my Dominant he takes that burden of providing my needs in every way, especially emotionally not just sexually and physically. It's Him who helps me grow the way He wants me to, expand my knowledge and horizons and get past barriers and walls where He can say "This is MINE" and I won't share...He will be greedy for me and jealous even.

This my friends is how I felt years ago entering the lifestyle and I never found it with the one thing was always lacking...love, romance, the romantic relationship. That is what I want and need.

After working-out I seem to really do my best writing and thinking. I suppose it is all that oxygen coursing through my brain, and the blood pumping all throughout my body...other things do that too. ;-) This may come off at first as rambling but I promise I will get to my points here shortly. I have just been thinking about dominance and how it seems to be my cornerstone and pivot that gets me to being the submissive I am and need to be for someone.
Dominance very much appeals to me...real dominance...not just a role to play in the bedroom. Can't tell you how many times I have been down that right only to be empty and unhappy. I need that dominance in life as well as the bedroom. So the man I need is both... This just pulls me closer and that is used as a vehicle that draws us closer...emotionally and sexually. It's all about the surrender and not defeat. real submission is giving them that power and control. They do not have to "force" anything. You simply want to!! I want to give that control and power...knowing it's okay to do so and I am safe. He is right and I know He would know what is best for me. That is how deep I go into this. It's trust and love embodied...a beautiful thing. In my submission I soften Him and help Him to open more and we grow closer. You can not get this kind of connection in a simple vanilla relationship...God knows I have tried!!!

I really am not one for the whole dating thing, and don't like going out with one man after another, and no usually unless we just hit it off will sex even be part of the equation. There are times the chemistry is undeniable and You just "connect" and it may be awesome, but it is usually very temporarily and then we move on. Most of my relationships have been indeed long term and recently that is what was planned anyway. I feel like I have just been thrown into a den of wolves...hungry and horny wolves. Dominant men that are not in the lifestyle can find me like I am prey just waiting to be ravaged. Lifestyle Doms and Masters seem to feel that submissive vibe with me. I am flattered and even humbled, but I do not trust easily at all...not after this last relationship. I can't just give my submission and surrender to just anyone, or my mind and body. My heart...now that is something I am very cautious about ever giving to anyone again. The last 2 months I did that and it got broken. When I trust someone I REALLY trust them, and when I know it's really okay to let them in...it's limitless. I wouldn't care if Johnny Depp himself wanted me if that deep connection isn't there...forget it!
I am so much more than looks or a trophy. I am more than a hot piece of ass. I am more than my insatiable sex drive, and I am more than my kinks and fetishes. I am a woman...a lady...a submissive with a slave heart. I want to be seduced mind and body, loved, romanced, dominated, controlled, possessed, belong to only one, and pardon me, but fucked and ravished out of my mind. I want my body to sing and to sing to Him only songs He knows because it was He who created those beautiful melodies and symphonies. I want to burn and yearn for His touch, ache when He is not near, and when I am lying next to HIm know I am "home". I'll feel His power and dominance in my core. I will respond on command with a word, a look, or touch. He will take me deep not just sexually, but deep into the recesses of my mind...pulling out secrets, desires,longings, fears and hurts. He will make me a better woman for me but for Him. We sharpen each other and bring out only the best in the other. He expands my knowledge and explores both life and love, as well as the sexual erotic things. I'll be His angel and vixen, good girl and bad girl, naughty and nice, a lady on the streets and His slut in the sheets. We will compliment each other and there will be voids filled that have been empty for so long.

Ah Yes!! In my mind I have always seen what I have needed, but never took that stand to say..."No, I need this...I crave this, and damnit I can't really be whole without it!" I will be everything He needs as a lover,His property, friend, and yes even as a submissive, and hopefully more. I want Him to own me, mind, body, heart, and soul. I will not be shared because only He has that right because I would be His, or nor would I share Him. Monogamy...I have read the journals and articles that we human beings are not wired for this, but I always have been. As I said I hate, absolute detest dating...maybe dinner, coffee is fine, but what I need...I know I won't find because He will come to me. He will seek me out, and strip me bare on so many levels. He will take the time to know me inside/out. He will know me intimately and I will feel safe. He will show me that I can trust Him, and I can let go...just let go of trying to control everything. That I can really be me...emotions, feelings, pain...He will let me simply feel.We shall have some of the same interests and not just in kink and fetishes, but in life and in general. Music is my passion obviously so He would be a lover of music. I work-out and take care of myself...as would He. I can have fun and be myself as can He.

I do not believe in "looking" for the "one" or even expecting it to happen. I know in my heart of hearts that if this last relationship was not my "Other Half" like I thought...we thought, then He is out there. So yes, I am putting out an SOS to wherever He is and for Him to come to me...please. I will cry, beg, crawl to Him and be proud to do so. I will serve, obey, and love Him as He will love me like no other.He will push my limits taking me as deep as I can go and going a little deeper each time,i will be disciplined,and yes punished when needed. I will enjoy taking some pain for Him and push myself to go past that pain. I am a rose...a beautiful resilient rose that has stood storms and bad weather. I am a rose with thorns and sometimes those thorns cause me to bleed, but I enjoy feeling that pain because it makes me feel alive!!! I bend but don't break...but oh the feeling of being broken in a good way. I am fragile like glass but not weak and I may at times feel like I'll shatter, but for some reason I haven't.

Everything I have been through...abuse, hurts, eating disorder,relationships, divorce, multiple sclerosis, cancer scare last year, and many other things have made me the woman I am. I have been in the storm but my faith keeps me going. This and my friends are helping me right now, but it is also putting me back on the path I started years ago...the right way!! The submissive in me is screaming at me...Please don't let me go away anymore...I like it here...I need this! So I am listening and here I am...naked, vulnerable, and transparent. Patiently, well as much as a stubborn woman can be, waiting...Come...I welcome You...

I have always loved my limits pushed be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, intellectually, and of course musically. I like being stretched in every area of my life in the same ways as well, helping me be the absolute best I can be. I think that is why I was drawn to the Master/Slave relationship over 3 years ago. Yes, I have been into the "lifestyle"(more like it is just how I am and not really a lifestyle) since I was in my twenties, but it was not embraced until around 28 or so.

I have tried doing the vanilla and fetish thing and at times tried to get them to be more dominant for the sake of the relationship, and just put the submissive/slave heart on the shelf or maybe even forget it at all, but after 3 years in a vanilla relationship I end up right back here still craving and longing for that relationship that is anything but vanilla.Not into "playing the D/s as a fetish or kink I need to "feel" it and all through my very body. Maybe it would even looks like an ordinary relationship but throughout it and the very focus would be the D/s. Simply put, I like knowing my man always needs that dominance and I NEED it...It is the kind where I just tremble and get aroused just being in their presence, hearing their voice, or being touched. The kind I find it hard to even breathe because my very breath seems to be taken away. I can stay in that D/s head space and I am not sure if it ever leaves because yes I can see D/s in pretty much everything and like it that way. To be honest it is no different than a 50's housewife, taken-by-hand male led relationship,etc, and even how I was raised and around my whole life. The man always had the last word...always. I am attracted to men that have always led and not followed me, family or in their jobs. Doms that raise their voices in anger scare me. I mean I like that feeling of fear and anticipation, but not abuse. I am fragile, tender, and delicate physically and emotionally, but I am not glass...I won't break. To be "broken" in a good way, and in that case I am all for it. ;-)

You see, I have been a submissive since I was 7 or 8, also when this child became a woman. Yes, you did hear me correctly. Over the years this has increased and I swear some days I feel like I could just explode. I am very responsive and with the right man I respond very very well. ;-) I feel so much... emotions, sensations,sounds and the rest of my senses are eruptive...much like a dormant volcano full of hot lava and can erupt at any time. It can be just a touch, a kiss, a look, something said, etc. I feel that deep in the pit of my belly...my core...my gut. Some times I have this urge to just beg and crawl, drop to my knees in surrender. Every time I see that submit button...yeah does the same thing. I may snicker or giggle, but I am at my happiest when I am in a relationship that I can submit, surrender, obey, and serve the one I am in that relationship with. I like being pampered and taken care of of course just as any woman, actually crave it, but I also have to have that D/s...it is a core need for me.

As a slave , I was collared and leashed, registered, but it was dangerous and something I will discuss with people I trust. I did Tasks, assignments,obedience, behavior modification,service/general and sexual, protocols...written or in general, and even in all my relationships I have known everything they like from food, clothing they like on me...so much so I let them pick out clothing for me to wear and feeding/ordering for us., music, movies, just absolutely everything! If I am not into something like a kink/fetish/music, movie, interests I will explore it and learn more about it...even do it. It takes one time for me to know what a man likes for me to wear or sing for example....If one tells me their favorite color I will wear it, if I am told how you drink your coffee I will always remember, if you tell me your favorite song I will learn it. I like knowing everything about that person and my focus in that relationship is to make sure they are happy and satisfied always.This isn't just a D/s thing, but how I am in all my relationships, but some times that is also taken advantage of. Like in any relationship, I adapt to what they want and need...never losing who I am, but Him making me an even better woman. Seriously, the Secretary and 50 Shades of Grey makes me laugh, although i do like some scenes and have underlined the ones I got turned on by. ;-) 9 1/2 Weeks is more me and really gets my motor running. A Book called,The Fantasy Fix and many other D/s erotica makes me hot and my heart pounds thinking of me in those roles. I like being taught, corrected, and commanded...no I "crave" it...need it. Sharing, exploration, and learning is a must... Show me how to do something one time and I won;t forget...even with my horrible short term memory at times. Giving up control...sexually, mentally, etc and absolute must. I hate arguing and won't because I put up with that almost all my life and do not want that in my relationship ever again.

So push my limits...like Enigma sings. I want that!!

Other points:

1. I have a safe word and will use it unless I am given another one better. My NO will always mean just that outside of the D/s.
2. I want to be protected, loved, and taken care of not just the kinky hot girlfriend/sub...take me deeper than that please. I want to be known inside/out by someone even if it makes me uncomfortable or shy...EVERYTHING. My secrets, desire, longings, hurts, fears,insecurities, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, turn-ons and turn offs, my dreams...it all. I want to be naked in every way and completely vulnerable in that relationship. I have to have a deeper connection...have to. Empathy...being empathic with me... getting inside my head. I have to totally trust someone for them to go this deep.
3.Hard limits are not to be pushed and there aren't that many, but that is why my relationship is with someone who I can trust even with my very life...I trust Him with all my mind, body, heart, and soul.
4. Communication, Trust, and Honestly always
One of my Hard limits....No sharing or being shared...I want to be His and His only and He is mine!! Like I said on my profile...I can get jealous and I want Him to be jealous and over protective even. Absolutely NO swinging...It's just not my thing.
I am monogamous and I do not sleep around. Hard humiliation and degradation I don't like...although in private That is different. I do not like calling myself a whore, a slut, maybe Your slut or His slut, and in the sense I will be that way for only that one person. Just those terms in general...no. I'll dress slutty, wear slutty shoes, say slutty things, but still I am being that way for Him. Buy my wardrobe, help me choose that dress,shirt, or skirt.Those shoes, lingerie, a fabric You enjoy and love feeling against You. Take me shopping or go with me. Take me toy shopping, grocery shopping... I love it. I need the advice and direction. That structure and order is absolutely one of my core needs. Discipline and punish as You see fit... Teach me...let this teacher become the student. I want to explore and learn all these fetishes/kinks, and especially ones I have never tried before. This will help me to grow and stretch.

A balance between kink/bdsm/D/s and our vanilla life is essential.We both have other obligations outside of the house or D/s. Yes, I am a romantic...hopelessly and it's important to me. I want to be so lost in that person I seriously don't know where I end and He begins. I will give Him the world...Go to the moon and back...anything asked of me... When I know I am safe with You. So all those vanilla romantic things,seduction, sensual domination, D/s, even some M/s, it all just bleeds and blends into the other one and it is a beautiful thing. Something I have always wanted.

I thought I had this and I did for a while...I still want it...long for it...crave it...even ache for it. It's just so much deeper than my mere words can even express.

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." - Anais Nin