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No, I do not live in UK at the moment. Hoping to move there in the future, and I spend time there on a irregular basis already.
For those that recognize me, yes, this is a copy/pasta of my profile somewhere else.
Welcome to my corner of this place. :)
I am mostly here to pass time, and I have no overwhelming interest in finding playmates or partners. If it happens, it happens, but I am not sure if it is worth it. Socializing might be somewhat doable, but frankly, people horrifies me most of the time, and annoys me most of the rest.
A large part of the reason for the above is probably rooted in that I am depressed (for those familiar with it, I routinely score around 60-65 on the Goldberg scale. This have been constant now for quite some time, and it is not getting better. If anything, I am getting worse. No, I am not undergoing treatment, and it is not likely to change), and I suspect I am toxic towards people. So catch 22. If I am able and willing to get close to you, I will worry about hurting you. If I am not likely to worry about hurting you, I am not likely to be able or interested in getting close to you. It would take some damn unique person to convince me that they are worth the risk, and that they are resilient enough for that I would not harm them. If not, I would just ending up worrying that have to shield them from myself. No, this is not a challenge.
So the following profile is to be taken as a reference for what place I come from when I answer in threads, not a personal ad. Any advice on how to "sell" myself better is quite likely to be ignored.
There, with 50-80 % of the people starting to reading this have now clicked away, let me carry on!
Who am I?
I don't even know myself anymore. I used to answer "myself" when asked, but I am not longer sure if that is a answer I should use. Though, I don't know what other answer I can give either.
Gender? Meh. I guess you could say that I have a fairly unclear gender identity, in the meaning of that I don't quite understand gender as a part of a identity more then that nationality is a part of peoples identity. For my sake, it is a fluke, and it affects me due to cultural, social and hormonal/climate factors, but it is not **me**. Had it been reasonably risk free to see how my brain and body would run on testosterone I would probably consider it, if nothing in the name of curiosity. Alas, this is not the case.
Kinkwice? Online tests keep labeling me as a switch. I'd say it is rather accurate.
I used to identify as a masochistic submissive. It was the role I was conditioned to know that females was supposed to take. For various reasons, I have been turning more and more towards sadistic dominant the last years. Seeing people squirm in pain is fun. I am not a heavy sadist in the meaning of that I have a need to trash people to pulp, it is the reaction that is relevant for me, not the effort I have to put in it. And really? I am not all that experienced, so someone with a low threshold for going "OUCH!" is probably far safer to play with. Biting, scratching, pinching, some slaps here and there and so on. I'll keep it at that for a while I think. Prodding people with pointy things that does not draw blood might be interesting though. Tickling has gotten some appeal lately, not sure why.
Receiving pain bothers me somewhat. I should get used to deal with it, and it is something I am considering to start to work on, but for now it is no direct pleasure in it for my sake. That is not to say that it don't exist situations and persons where someone causing me physical pain would be.... appropriate and appreciated. I have jokingly referred to that I should "level up" on pain and other things, and it might be time for that in the foreseeable future. If so, there is a fair few things about my health that is relevant. Ask, listen, and all should go well. Alright? Good. Not alright? Fuck off. I am self destructive enough, I do not need new people to help me destroy myself.
Dominating people. With the right chemistry present, I can do it, and enjoy it. Apparently rather well even. I am totally uninterested in anyone that requires someone to constantly prod them into doing things, paying attention, being able to have basic control over time, and so on. I can take charge, both sexually and non-sexually, but if you need micromanaging and a constant stream off either cookies or coaxing, I just can't be bothered. If you can't get your lazy ass off the chair and do the chores you are told to do, or have said you intend to do, it is easier for me to do it myself. Same goes for time. I'll gladly remind people of that it is time to get ready. I will not remind people every 5 min and ending up having to physically drag people off to get away from the bloody computer and find shoes.
/rant
Submission. Heh... I do not submit easily. There might be one exception, but unfortunately we have more or less lost contact now. This is someone I greatly miss, both as a friend and in other ways, and someone that I suspect have left permanent marks in my mind. I am unsure how much of that I am unwilling to submit to someone is due to this, or if it is that I am genuinely not all that submissive. This is not something I am in any rush finding out.
And as a gentle reminder? Keep in mind that even if I will be polite, and in some cases default to formally polite is not the same as submitting. It is more complicated then that. From me, that kind of behavior can be either respect, that I am unsure how to interact with you and then using the most rigid set to be on the safe side, or it can be numerous of other things.
If you wonder what dynamic I feel is present between us, and what I see you as, ask. At worst you will get a answer ala "I don't know", and a conversation about the topic is probably needed.
Either way, random domly-doms? Yes, I will gladly make fun of you if you think you are a special exception that don't have to read profiles, or that what is in them don't apply to you.
More or less troublesome topics:
- Intercourse. Some very rare exceptions here, but risk/reward ratio is not worth it in most cases for me.
- Latex. Mild allergy, and not wanting to trigger that.
- UTI. Yes, I am one of the ones that has to be careful to not get that. I had a period where I got the really, really bad versions of it, and have gotten somewhat paranoid due to that.
- Scat and vomit. Just not my kink, and it is somewhat icky. Not sure if there is any real triggers present in this, so might be something that can change. Not something I plan to find out though.
- Incest. Mild triggers, and no interest.
- Role play involving doctor/nurse/police and so on. That type of power dynamic horrifies me far beyond what I can enjoy.
- Necrophilia. There is some rare situations where I can understand it happening, but as a general fetish it creeps me out. (Someone having sex with the body of a loved one for the very last time, that I can wrap my head around. Someone being attracted to a body "just" because it is dead? That worries me)
- Bestiality. I am very fond of animals, but not in that way.
- Rope. Memory trigger, loss and sadness. Annoyingly enough it still attracts me. Go figure. I suspect that I might be able to "overwrite" this if I ever get around to attend to a workshop or something like that, but as it is now, it is more or less out of the question to do anything involving ropes in a play setting. Other restraints should not be a issue, but I don't know for sure.
Online communication style:
- Fond of lists (and parentheses).
- Tendency to emote (either with :)'s, or -smiles-) a fair bit.
- Will often repeat what the other person have said, mainly to make sure I got it right.
- Tendency to ask questions, very strong preference for being told that the person I am asking is not willing to answer, and not just having things ignored. Will answer almost anything from people I deem safe.
- Will normally default to gender neutral pronouns on old habit (or grammatical gymnastic and just avoid gender altogether), unless the person is reasonably clearly presenting as male or female. These settings are adjustable on request, and yes, I might mess up. I will apologize, and mean it, but I will not tolerate to be considered to be malicious.
Offline communication:
I can have some problems understanding verbal communication (phones are not a good thing, unless I know the person extremely well). Please do not be offended if I ask you to repeat yourself, if anything, it is to be taken as that I am actually interested in what you are saying, and that I feel somewhat comfortable around you. I stutter in some settings. Can on rare occasions go near mute. Will if so resort to extremely basic "sign language" ("ok", "drink" (water if so), "nap" and so on), or typing. As I tend to shake a lot if this happens (think hypothermia or seizure and you have the idea of it), my handwriting, which is bad even at the best of times, is not to count on in these situations.
Body language:
I am reasonably good at reading body language, and in general, I have a clear body language if the situation requires it. Several of my closest friends are autistic, and I was in a long term relationship with a man that was extremely insecure in how to read people, and how to deal with the information he got (autism is suspected there, but we don't know). Anyway. Because of this, I have gotten rather clear, and very aware of how to "talk" to people with my body. Though, this is not always to say that I will do so. If I am around people that intimidate me, I'll mute myself down, in some cases more then I should.
How I prefer to be addressed:
- Gender, as mentioned I don't really give a shit. Probably less confusing with female and neutral ones, but I am not likely to be bothered by male pronouns.
- Name, Multi, Multimind, so on.
- Petnames, terms of endearments, honorifics, degradations and so on (examples would be "sweety", "honey", "love", "miss", "missy", "slut", and so on) is NOT appreciated from most people. If you don't have similar reservations, keep a eye open for how I address you, and feel free to mimic that if you prefer. If in any doubt, I'd suggest to play it safe. Or ask. "Do you mind if I call you ....?" as a more effective phrasing then "What do you prefer that I call you?".
Vanilla interests:
- Again, gender. Most of my friends are queer of one version or the other. Or several versions. It is a interesting topic, that I'll gladly discuss on occasion. Tendency to be curious, and feel free to give me a heads up if I come across as disrespecting, preferably before I step on something that makes you want to bite my head off.
- And autism. I seem to connect with autistic people on a rather regular basis. I am most likely not autistic myself, but I do have some traits of it. Never been diagnosed, but then again, autism/AS was not commonly diagnosed here when I was young, and I have not been looking for any kind of diagnosis as a adult.
(For those that wonders, RDOS test 07.01.2012: 106/200 NT and 90/200 AS. I seem to recall previous results to be slightly higher on the AS, but I am not sure. Autism spectrum quotient test score 02.02.2013: 38 This is higher then it used to be. I'd suspect depression might be having an effect here. Though, I do have moderate sensory issues and social.... "quirks" that is often seen among aspies. Then again, this is not uncommon, and is a common symptom of stress, depression and anxiety -shrugs- )
- In the name of simplicity, let's call it magic. For me, it is natural to think that there is other worlds around us. And yes, I interact with them. Or I might just be crazy. I will not try to convert others, and no matter who or what you are sworn by, I will not accept attempts of being converted, "saved" or "cured".
- Energy play. Interesting, but not doing that with someone else again anytime soon, and it is somewhat rare that I do so on my own anymore.
- Hypnosis. I did briefly dabble in it, and it is something I might be good at, but as of now it is just a theoretical interest.
- English. It is my second language, and I am primarily self taught. Good vocabulary, far from ideal grammar and sentence structure, tolerable spelling (or I have at least figured out how to turn on the spell checker ;) ). It is the language I use the most in communication, and it is also the language that I use when I write notes for myself. Regardless of this, it still fascinates and somewhat confuses me. Though, large parts of that can be that I am used to take people literally, and I tend to be bad at reading between the lines. Working on my selection of idioms, but it is going slow.
Random tidbits:
- I live in Europe. I can fairly easy travel to, and in, UK in the summer. Long term I am considering to move to UK. How this might happen is rather fuzzy for me at the moment.
- Vegan. Had a relapse with eggs a while ago, but it seems like I have managed to get that back out of my diet again. Not confrontational about this, but will not accept others picking on me due to my dietary and ethical standards here.
- For added fun, I also avoid gluten to a large extent. I don't seem to have any reactions on food that is contaminated by it, but I do not eat gluten based food. And I am also periodically on low-carb diets. The latter is almost always voided if I am socializing. Easy fix? Let me fend for myself at the nearest grocery store, or feed me juice and nuts. As I seem to be developing ulcers due to stress, plain rice cakes is not bad either.
- Nearly non-drinker, and until I get my intestines back on track I am likely to not drink at all. I have some minor problems interacting with people that is *drunk*, but in general I am not bothered by others drinking. Or in other words? Drink whatever and how much you want, but if your behavior changes I will have the same reaction to it as if you where sober. Confusing and/or alarming behavior does not get less so if the person displaying that is under the influence of something.
- Obese. BMI around 35 or so. Should fix this, no real motivation.
- Somewhere in the poly spectrum. Main concern is STD's, and I do have a history of fairly heavy abandonment issues. The latter seems to be somewhat remedied with that I just don't bond to people anymore. Not sure if this is progress or not.
- Anxiety. It used to be social anxiety, but there was always a rather heavy dribble of general anxiety on top of it. Now I am slightly unsure if it actually can have changed over to being more GAD then SA.
- My attention span tends to go between the extremes. I am either focused up to a point where it is near impossible for me to "break out", or I just can't focus. This does to some extent affect how I interact with people.
- Reasonably intelligent, even if this seems to be deteriorating now for various reason.
Still considering to contact me, but not sure where to start? Fair enough. You get 3 questions, with 3 reservations:
- Anything that invades the privacy of people I care for, and/or have loyalty towards.
- Anything that can ID me. I am rather good at tracking down people online, and there will be odd questions I refuse to answer, but you will probably be given an explanation.
- Anything that can put me, or people I care for at risk.
Awkward, weird, or just plain boring? Go for it :)
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