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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Male Dominant, 50,  Los Angeles, California
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 Dominant Male

 Los Angeles 


 Willing to Relocate

 6' 2"






Actively Seeking:

Submissive Female

 Lives For:

 Photography  (Expert)


 Art Galleries



 Anal Play



 Body Worship

 Breast Binding/Play



 Hair Pulling

 Mental Bondage


 Orgasm Control





 TV News

 Alternative Medicine

 Art Collecting

 Sculpting  (Expert)


 Intellectual Discourse

 Liberal Politics




 Coffee Shops

 Fine Dining

 Flea Markets

 Garage Sales







 Foot Worship




 Massage (Getting)

 Massage (Giving)


 Obedience Training

 Outdoor Bondage

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Public Play

 Sensory Deprivation


 Speech Restrictions



 Wax play



 Comedy Shows

 Historical Shows

 Online Chatrooms

 Science Fiction

 Web Surfing







 Political Activism


 Alternative Music



 Classical Music

 Country Music

 Electronica / EDM

 Folk Music


 Hip Hop Music


 New Wave

 Punk Rock Music




 Rock Music

 Seventies Music





 Curious About:

 Feng Shui



 Horror Movies

 Hard Limits:

 Conservative Politics

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” - Jack Kerouac


I have been Dom for many years and to be clear from the very beginning, after nine years in Manhattan I reached a point of stagnation and decided to leave a year ago. I have now been on the road in a large RV for the last year traveling the west coast and making a documentary about the American Dream. And am likely to be on the road for the next twelve months, covering the rest of the country. More or less.


If I happen to meet somebody along the way with whom something clicks, then I am open to following up on that once I have finished filming as I do not yet know where I will settle at the end of this journey. And maybe she will join me. Hard to say as it depends on what happens. Time will tell. As it always does.


I learnt a long time ago that even though we can achieve our ambitions and aspirations, it is the random, the unexpected things in life which really shape the overall direction of our lives. And how we respond to those random things influences how much of the process of life we enjoy. Or not.


Born in England to Polish parents, I decided when still a teenager to see the world. Since then I've lived (worked/had apts) in 15 cities across 6 countries (UK, Holland, Berlin, Greece, USA & Australia) and collected an Australian passport to go with my English one. I relocated from Australia to Manhattan 9 years ago and am now, as mentioned previously, making a movie as I travel across America.

It took me a long time to come to terms with my proclivities as I spent my late teens and early twenties using my hands to heal people and so when I realized in my late 20's that I enjoy using those same hands to spank or pinch or slap or flog, I found myself totally confused. I finally came to terms with it in my mid thirties and so most of the relationships I’ve had since then, whether short or long term, have been D/s based.

Amongst other things (see lists...), I enjoy orgasm control and have trained several subs to cum with no physical stimulation. Arousal begins within - as well as having other functions, I believe the brain is also the largest sexual organ. 

On my journey in this life I’ve also learnt that although it is one of the things that is central to who I am and I will never again have a relationship which does not include it, I need more than D/s. Over time I’ve realized that of itself, alone, it's not enough to sustain a healthy relationship and inspire me in life – my interests are many and my work is creative, so I need somebody who is also intelligent, articulate, has a healthy sense of adventure and a good sense of humor. So we can complement one another as we develop a relationship where the sum of the whole is greater than the individual parts.

I am spontaneous in the way I live my life and take the same approach with Ds. I find the notion of 'playing' Ds only at specific times slightly strange. Then again I find the notion of 'playing' at something that can touch us human beings so deeply, slightly strange too. This is a part of my life and not a game. I will add that I do enjoy being rough but also enjoy being gentle/nurturing etc as I believe it is important to have balance in all things.

Because of this perspective I might be seen by some people as a 'Daddy' Dom. I am not. Being called 'Daddy' is one of the very few hard limits for me. I was a single parent to a girl who is now an adult and I find the idea of being called 'Daddy' by anybody else, especially in a sexual context a little creepy. And weird. Yes, I've had this particular kink explained to me by girls who enjoy that, but I must admit that I suspect men who enjoy being called 'Daddy' have not had a daughter. Or if they have, then there is something seriously wrong with that picture. Just saying...


As for other relevant information...


I work as a photographer and found my first camera at a bus stop when I was 24. I decided at 27 to prove it possible to make a living from taking pictures within 1 year and now consider that to be the single best decision of my life – I’m grateful to still be generating my income from being creative (I also used to build very large sculptures from scrap and retired from that side of my life 10 years ago to concentrate on photography, but have started creating installations again in the last couple of years and now have a large public interactive installation on display in NYC every summer).

I often listen to music and with 160,000 songs in the hard drive it could probably be said I have eclectic taste - my sense of humor leans towards dry - Harold & Maude is one of my favorite movies.


I've been vegetarian for over 25 years and spent 3 years in my mid 20's meditating for 1 hr every morning and 1 hr every evening - I no longer meditate in a formal sense, but that discipline gave me a solid foundation, perspective and awareness that I still carry as I walk through my life today.


I tend to trust my intuition more than my intellect - though enjoy exercising my intellect on a daily basis - I read voraciously - a lot of biographies as people and their stories fascinate me - I also read Vanity Fair every month and 3 websites daily for news as I like to know what is happening in the world...


I have always lived life as an adventure and seen it as filled with potential to be fulfilled - and am grateful I have had the opportunity to see a good part of that potential fulfilled to this time. I believe in the depth of life, the depth of spirit and have always been interested in people, what they do and more importantly, what motivates them to do the things they do. I have mixed with a wide variety of people, from wealthy and famous to street people and though I've seen plenty of dark things in the world I still believe in people more than objects...adventure more than more than problems...the glass half full etc etc...


If you are looking for something with substance, where the sum of the whole will be greater than the individual parts, then feel free to get in touch. At the same time I am also open to building new friendships and meeting new people to interact with on this journey...


And for those who find such things of interest, I am an INFP ( as well as a double Scorpio, with all that entails ;)

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Journal Entries:
12/18/2015 5:11:28 PM
Just did this test:

12/1/2015 11:14:27 PM

I came across The Acid Test in a subs journal on here and it's one of the smartest things I've read on this whole online Ds thing. 

I'm posting it in my journal as I think everyone can gain from reading this. I would credit the original author if I knew his name, but unfortunately I don't. 

Whoever he is, on a personal level I thank him for writing it as I can totally relate to the Dominant personality and character traits as described in 'Step 3 - Know Your Goal'. And in my experience, it’s pretty accurate on slave / sub character and personality traits as well - this is worth reading if you are looking for something real and not just a fantasy....


The Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool's’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don't be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

The Snert

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.

Rapists and Predators

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in's and out's of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you!

Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won't find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn't exist.

ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2: "You’d better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like "please, call me Mike…"

Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6: "Its my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!

Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9 "I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10 "I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using clearacil?

Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12 "I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!

Test #13 "I don't need safe words." Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14 "My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them." If you hear a "dom" say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.

Test #15 "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only "real D/s." They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick "cyber only" in your profile and D/s? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like "sex magic," but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!


BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Domination, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a "controlling personality." See section 2, paragraph four.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant. A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate sexual encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a female sexual Dominant. See also Dom.

HNG - acronym for "Horny Net Geek." See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a D/s relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning D/s play. The submissive's Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant's. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring "Master/slave" role-playing.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring "Mistress/slave" role-playing.

Safe Word - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. "Safe Signals" must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually "chaperoning" the meeting to setting up "safe calls" and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do this!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it pleasurable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the "Collar" of a particular Dominant.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive. A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate sexual situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to D/s. As in "Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene." Also slang for a specific session of D/s. As in "I was in this wonderful Scene last night." Often used as a verb in the same case; "They Scened at the party last night."

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not "kinky" or not related to sexual Dominance and submission.

Victim - a victim of abuse that uses D/s to "legitimize" her tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life player in D/s. Most often used in reference to females that pretend to be sexual submissives.

10/31/2015 2:51:53 PM
From Control to Compassion
(Copyright © Skip Chasey 2004. All rights reserved.)


A Servant Master is not a service top! It is an archetypal role to which some leathermen and leatherwomen are called and, in that way, it is very similar to a religious or spiritual vocation. Archetypes are predefined patterns of behavior that one is born with; impersonal energies of psycho-spiritual influence universal in their meaning (i.e. a collective consciousness). “Servant Master” is merely one of literally hundreds of archetypes. Each of us is influenced by a specific number of different archetypal energies running through our psyche.

The archetype of the Servant Master can be seen throughout history and in every culture (e.g., the Buddhist or Hindu bodhisattva). In our contemporary culture the archetype of the Servant Master has evolved into the Servant Leader--Martin Luther King, Jr. is a good example. The difference between the two archetypes is the degree of authority given and assumed.

Servant Masters are not deficient in their dominance and are most certainly not weak or wimpy—quite the contrary. There are, however, some distinctive differences between Servant Masters and other Dominants who do not possess this archetype. The first, and most important, difference is that Servant Masters place the well-being of their slaves ahead of their own, and personal gain is not the driving force behind their mastery.


The characteristics of Servant Masters are most readily apparent in five key areas: Awareness & Spiritual Consciousness; Empathy & Acceptance; Power & Authority; Healing; and Growth & Stewardship. Arguably, all ethical Dominants possessing these characteristics are in fact Servant Masters, no matter what role or title they claim.

Awareness & Spiritual Consciousness

Servant Masters have a well developed spiritual consciousness. Because of that they have a keen awareness of what is occurring in the inner world of their slaves. They hear things, see things and know things that others miss or ignore. Servant Masters are rarely fooled by appearances and their intuitive insight is exceptional.

A Master cannot elicit a slave’s trust unless the slave has confidence in the Master’s values and moral competence (including the Master’s judgment) and unless the Master has a sustaining spirit that will support the Master in his tenacious pursuit of mastering the slave. The Master must have a palpable “entheos,” a Greek word meaning “god within.” Because Servant Masters answer to a higher spiritual authority they are profoundly trustworthy.

Empathy & Acceptance

Acceptance means to receive what is offered, with approbation, satisfaction or acquiescence; empathy is the imaginative projection of one’s own consciousness into another being. The opposite of both empathy and acceptance is rejection. Servant Masters have a highly developed ability to walk in the shoes of their slaves. They understand and appreciate their slaves’ circumstances and problems. A Servant Master never rejects a slave but sometimes refuses to accept the slave’s service or performance when it’s less than the slave’s best effort. slaves grow confident in their slavery when their Masters empathize with them and when they are accepted for who they are, even though their service or performance may be judged critically in terms of what they are capable of doing.

A Servant Master’s interest in and affection for her slaves is not something the slave must deserve or earn. Servant Masters may have gruff, demanding and uncompromising exteriors, but the love they have for their slaves is unconditional.

Full acceptance of a slave requires a tolerance of imperfection from the Master. Any Dominant can “master” perfect slaves. But there aren’t any perfect slaves or, for that matter, any perfect Masters. It is part of the beautiful mystery of human nature that even the most immature, inept or lazy person is capable of greatness if wisely led. Many otherwise capable Dominants are disqualified as Servant Masters because they cannot handle less-than-perfect slaves.

Power & Authority

There are many different types of personal power. There is the power of persuasion, for example, and there is also coercive power that is used to dominate and manipulate people. Persuasion elevates the dignity and self-esteem of the one at whom such power is directed, while coercion forces the individual into a predetermined path that leaves little room for their own inner guidance and growth.

Coercive power can be overt and brutal or covert and subtly manipulative. The former is open and acknowledged; the latter is insidious and difficult to detect. However in either case it only strengthens resistance. And even if it is successful in controlling behavior the effect it creates lasts only as long as the force is strong. The power of persuasion, on the other hand, has a lasting effect that continues long after the situation for which it was utilized has past.

Servant Masters are naturally very persuasive. The Servant Master says “are you willing?” while knowing that the path he and his slaves are walking is uncertain. Fortunately, one of the hallmarks of Servant Masters is that they are better than most at determining the best direction in which to proceed.

Servant Masters know that the Spirit—not knowledge or physical skill—is true power. They know that they have no power of their own and that they cannot create power. At best they are simply conduits of power and, as such, must remain connected to the Source of that power in order to exercise power and authority over their slaves, which they do through the development of devotion and not through force or coercion.


Servant Masters have a remarkable appreciation for the emotional and spiritual health of others. They are good at facilitating the healing process and others often turn to them when such a need arises. The ability to create an environment that encourages emotional and spiritual healing is critical for those called to be Servant Masters.

Servant Masters have a conscious awareness that in facilitating the healing of their slaves they themselves are healed. Although that is something that is seldom (if at all) acknowledged by most Masters, it is one of the reasons a Master engages in a relationship with his slave(s). “Healing” means to make whole and a profound affirmation is subtly communicated to a slave when implicit in the contract with his Master (written or otherwise) is the understanding that the search for wholeness is something that they share.

Growth & Stewardship

Servant Masters look to facilitate their slaves’ growth in all sorts of ways—personally, professionally and spiritually. A Servant Master is more likely to receive spiritual insight into what is for their slave’s greatest good than a Dominant who is providing just enough care giving for the slave to appease the Dom’s nagging conscience or solely to conform to community expectations.

The concept of stewardship stems from medii.e., the slave has a vocation or Divine purpose) and actively engage their slaves in the discovery and fulfillment of that purpose.


Servant Masters offer unconditional love for their slaves, their steadfast dedication to their slaves’ growth and development, and their passionate faith in the worth of their slaves and the ability of their slaves to discern and fulfill their Divine purpose. Servant Masters do not answer to their slaves but to an authority greater than themselves. In doing so the Servant Master becomes an instrument for the slave’s well-being. The mastering of their slaves is one way that Servant Masters fulfill their own Divine purpose. That does not mean the Servant Master’s BDSM experiences are less enjoyable, less hot and sexy or less fun than they are for a Dominant who does not have such noble intentions. They are all of that for a Servant Master and much more gratifying as well.

I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.
Albert Schweitzer

Thanks to GeekyFreak for posting this superb insight which I can totally relate to...

11/11/2014 3:17:03 AM
Extraordinarily well written article outlining her perspectives on slavery by petsara34:

I decided to write this article because I have seen so many submissives come into the lifestyle expecting everything to be dream-like and perfect. I don't wish to ruin anyone's dreams, or turn them from the activity, but what I wish to do is to explain how things really are. Being a slave can be, and is for me, a wonderful life. It's everything I wanted it to be. It is also more than I ever expected, and had someone explained the realities to me prior to my decision, it would have made my transition so much easier. For the purpose of this article, I am addressing issues related to being a 24/7 slave. These comments are from my viewpoint, which is that of a female slave with a male Master. By no means do I wish to exclude Domme's or male slaves. For them, I cannot comment from personal experience. This is just my view from a real-time experience. First, there are a few things you need to discover for and about yourself. Do you wish to be in this type relationship 24/7? Perhaps you only wish to be in it during the scenes. Maybe you want to role-play at only during certain times. There are many ways this activity can be done, but you have to figure out what is right for you. Second, you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Figure out what you will and will not do, and what is a "maybe". Search inside yourself for what you really want, and when you find it, be honest to anyone you talk to. Don't agree to something long-term that you know you will not be able accomplish. Ask yourself some hard questions. The rest of this article will give you aspects to contemplate so you can base your decisions on reality, and not someone else's dreams of how it should be. Are you prepared to surrender 100% control of your life to someone else? 24/7 slaves do this. Role-playing would mean entering into this relationship only for the time agreed upon that the Master would have the total control. Once the scene is over, everything returns to normal. Do you enjoy country music? Maybe you love Rock and Roll. Consider this. The Master who's collar you will eventually wear, may only like classical or another type of music that you don't enjoy. Are you prepared to give up those selections and only listen to His music? This type sacrifice can apply to many other things you currently enjoy. For myself, I love old love songs of any type, and my Master is into Hard Rock. Because of His preferences, I rarely get to listen to my songs. But, when I am a good girl, at times, He does permit me to listen to my choice of music, as long as I get my assigned tasks and chores done. Note, I said, "permitted to". Something as simple as listening to the radio is a reward for me. It is not a given that you will be permitted to enjoy even this little pleasure whenever you wish. These limitations can apply to many areas of your life such as TV, choices of food or friends, just about anywhere anything! Is there a certain style of clothes you love? Certain colors and scents you wouldn't be caught without? If your Master doesn't approve of them, you may be wearing a totally different style with colors you never would have dreamed of. He may lay your clothes out for you every morning. Are you prepared to abide happily by His choices? If He asked you to wear something very skimpy to someplace simple like the grocery store, could you do this without hesitation? I am lucky in the fact that my Master lets me chose my own clothes most of the time. But at anytime, should He decide that He wants me to wear something else, I am to change immediately. Trust me, He does exercise this right. I have learned to always ask Him what He would like me to wear if we are going someplace special. Are you prepared to change your hairstyle, length, or color to please your Master? All of these will belong to Him once you accept your collar as will everything else that once belonged to you. You will no longer own anything. From the time you take His collar, everything will be His. It will no longer be "your" car or "your" clothes, but "His", on loan to you as He sees fit. If He should so choose, you will not be permitted to wear clothes at all. This will be His choice, not yours. Remember, you will have given up all rights to make these choices for yourself. You have a favorite chair, or a certain way you like to sit or walk? Your Master will decide whether you sit on furniture or on the floor. He will have the say if you are to cross your legs, or sit with them spread wide-open. You will have to ask permission to even climb into bed, or sit on a chair. Most slaves are allowed a cushion on the floor that they do not need permission to sit upon, but very little else. You will even need permission to eat at the table with your Master. It's been a long hard day at work. You get home and want nothing more than to relax in a tub and go to bed early. Well, you won't be able to. Being tired, ill, or just in a bad mood does not excuse you from your required tasks. You are still required to do them: prepare His meal, and go to bed when He tells you to. Retiring for bed usually occurs at a set time, even if you are not ready to go. There will not be an "I am too tired" or "I don't feel well": nothing of the kind. Unless your Master has excused you from your tasks and chores, you will remain responsible for making sure His needs and wants are filled: no matter what. It is your job to inform your Master of your physical health status. One of your main jobs will be to take care of and protect, His possessions. You being are the most prized one He owns. As long as you let your Master know how you are feeling, He will make sure that your tasks will be appropriate to your capabilities. Many come into this lifestyle looking to be used sexually, to service their Master at His whim. They never consider other aspects. The main part of being a slave is to be of service to your Master, and not to be serviced for yourself. However, being readily available to Him at all times is also an unspoken expectation. The old excuse "not tonight dear, I have a headache" doesn't work in a D/s relationship. In order to provide Him pleasure, you must also express to Him the pleasure of the moment for you as well. Never make your Master feel this is a chore to you: something you would rather not do, but will only because you have to. If your Master tells you to do something, it will not be up to you to question Him. You will be required to respond with no questions asked. At a later time (if this is permitted in your relationship), you may ask Him for permission to speak on an equal level. If He gives permission, this will be your opportunity to ask your questions. However, it is important to ask in a way so as not to question His authority, but at the same time to satisfy your curiosity. Do you feel being a slave is to be coerced: forced into servitude? Do you think you couldn't do this unless you were? Then think again. Slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will. This is not the day of forced slavery; it is a matter of choice. Yours! You are the one who will decide to give over your power to your Master. You will be doing this, not because you are forced to obey, but because you need to. Yes, during the course of your relationship there will be times you will be forced to do something, but it will never be something that goes against who you are. Your Master may feel obeying this command will help you to grow into the best person you can be, or will help you break out of an inhibition you have. How is your temper? Are you quick to fly off-of-the-handle when you are upset? Or are you laid back, accepting anything and everything, and then go off to sulk because your feelings were hurt? A Master does not wish to have a doormat for a slave nor does He desire to be told how things should be. Learning when and how to say things will become very important in your relationship. If you do not tell your Master when something is bothering you, then you have no right whatsoever to become upset. However wonderful and omnipotent He may seem, He is not a mind reader: unless you tell Him, He won't know. The key, as I said a moment ago, is in how you tell Him. Your self-discipline is very important in this relationship. Do you tend to put things off until the last possible moment? You won't be able to do this when you are owned. There will be chores and tasks your Master will assign that He expects to be done in a timely fashion set by Him, not by you. Your Master's wants and needs will be put before your own. Self-discipline is similar to self-control. Your ability to follow complete assignments made by your Master will be very important. As a slave, you will need to be able to control your own actions well enough to be able to remain within the boundaries set for you by Him. If He says you can't do something, simply, you can't. Doing it anyway, and not telling Him doesn't make it right. In the case of a Master/slave relationship, what you don't know can hurt you, as well as the relationship you have worked so hard to build. Even a simple "white lie" can destroy the trust so necessary to really establish this type relationship. As to wants and needs of your own: do you know the difference between the two? If not, I strongly recommend you figure them out before entering into servitude. Sometimes the two are hard to distinguish, but it will become important that you do so. Your Master will ensure all your "needs" are taken care of, but the "wants" will be His to allow or not, as He sees fit. Needs are the necessities of life that are required in order for us to remain mentally and physically healthy. They allow us to grow emotionally and spiritually. If you can survive without something, then it is a want. Wants are usually given as a reward for good behavior. In order to be a slave, there will be many things you have to learn to accept within yourself and adapt to. Your primary purpose in life will be to see to your Masters pleasure (both mentally and physically) in any manner He should desire. In order to do this, you will have to learn your Master well. Find out what pleases and displeases Him. By this, I do not mean just sexually. You will learn that sex is but a small part of your relationship. Learn to anticipate His every need and desire without being pushy. His needs and desires will encompass intellectual stimulation, physical pleasure, emotional support, and many other things unique to Him. Remember - physical does not equal sexual. Physical pleasure may include, but is not limited to, touch, favorite foods, textures, clothing, and colors as examples. It will be your job to make sure His physical pleasures are met in everyway. Think of the five senses, and make His environment pleasing to all of them. Never forget - the most pleasing thing in His environment should be you. As His slave, it will be up to you to figure out what pleases your Master. He should not have to ask constantly for the basic things - you should have learned them. If His glass is empty, quietly and unobtrusively refill it. Remember, you are doing this for His pleasure not your own. Just because He does not notice and praise you doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Look at His smile. Is He comfortable? If He looks happy and content, then you have done well, and should bask in His content. Always remember that you do this for Him and not for your own satisfaction. Your happiness should come from serving Him and His being happy. As I said in the beginning of this article, I am not trying to scare you away from the world of D/s. My goal is to make sure that, when you enter our lifestyle, you do so with your eyes wide open, fully knowing what to expect. The road will not be an easy one. You will have to re-learn much of what you once took for granted: things you just did without thinking, like simply sitting in a chair. These are habits we never even think about anymore. That is, until we find a Master. Everything else you learned before reading this article is probably true. Being a slave is a wonderful life: one where you are taken care of. Most decisions are out of your hands and in those of your Masters. But, many choices will still be left up to you. Most Masters want a slave who is smart, has a sense of humor, and a will of their own. There is no pleasure in owning a doormat who just sits or is only walked upon. He will become bored very fast. Being yourself is the best advice I was given, and I have found this to be absolutely true for me. You will find being a slave everything you dreamed of and so much more if you enter this life knowing more of what to expect. If you are meant to be in the lifestyle, you will find that, where you were once only walked through life, you will be gliding on air. Parts of you that never were complete will then become whole. In relinquishing control, I have found freedom: freedom to find and be the person I am inside. It is my hope that, after reading this article, you will be able to make a more informed choice about entering this lifestyle. Never forget that, one of the most important requirements for existing in this lifestyle is honesty. Honesty with yourself first. However, you will find that this is not as easy as it sounds. Once you learn to do this, you will find yourself at peace and able to enter your servitude with clearer mind, knowing where you are and where you want to be. When you accept your Masters collar, you give up all your rights. Your friends, your life - nothing will remain yours. Being a slave means giving up so much more than you would if you were only being submissive. You give up all rights in your life. Slave isn't just a word; it's a way of life, a defined action. Be well, my friend, and I hope you enjoy this lifestyle as much as I have come to love being in it.

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