The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said,
"Hey God, I've got good news and I've got bad news." God replied,
"Well I have always liked good news before bad so ..." and the Pope
responded, "Well we finally have been able to unite all the known
religions on Earth under one name." God says, "Well that is just
great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it
in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?"
"We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City."


Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are
confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get
into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first
nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh thats easy, that
was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman
on earth?" She says "Oh thats easy that was Eve." Same thing
happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint
Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to
Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard
one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven!

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern
world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said
one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said
the other. "What was her maiden name?"

One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers when God Himself
comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then sitting on the Pope's
bed, He says, "Listen, you've been a such good Pope and devoted
follower that I'm going to grant you any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he
can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing
that really gets to him. "As you know God," he says, "I'm very
attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really
irritates me sometimes is all those stupid Polish Jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there
shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, he says, "Listen, I have to
be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything
else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally comes out with it. "Abolish
M & M's," he pronounces. "M & M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always
thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all ...
but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
"Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger and
it's getting harder and harder to peel them."

Jesus and Moses went to play golf. On the third hole, there is a
lake to hit over. Jesus gets out a two iron and Moses says, "You
should use a wood or it will go in the water." Jesus says, "Jack
Nicklaus uses a two iron on this hole, so I'm sure I can." He hits
the ball,and sure enough, it splashes into the water. Moses parts
the water, walks out and retrieves the ball. "Now," he says, "use a
wood." "No way," Jesus replies, "If Nicklaus can use a two iron, so
can I." Again, it goes straight into the lake. As Jesus is walking
around on the water looking for his ball, another golfer sees him and
asks Moses in amazement, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses shakes his head sadly, "No, Jack Nicklaus!"