For years I've half-joked with even My vanilla friends that I wanted My own personal harem of both men and women. Many of My vanilla female friends have responded to that with: "Damn woman, you're greedy. I'd give my eye teeth to have just one good man." My question after that is "Just one?! Why settle like that?! I want them ALLLLLL!" 

I say I've half-joked because while I said it to just stir up discussion, it is something I truly want. The consensus among My friends is that if anyone could do such a thing and do it well, it would be Me. So why haven't I made this a reality yet? It's because I've been holding Myself back. Not because I think it's an impossible goal. 

Recently someone asked Me what I really want in life, and I answered honestly. This is what I want. After quite a bit of discussion, I've decided to make it happen. I've put a lot of thought into this. There are numerous reasons why I would want such a thing. One of which is the almost oppressive call to leadership I've felt for a very long time. But where to lead? I've considered many options, but for some reason or another, I realized those options weren't appropriate.

This however, feels right. It addresses all My desires and needs. It requires My particular set of skills and knowledge. 

Recently I told someone that I see so many people who for one reason or another don't go after their dreams. They go through life fantasizing about what could be, but never actually do anything about it. I realized as soon as I said it, I could be accused of doing the same thing. Well, no longer. 

I will accomplish this goal. In the process, I will not only benefit Myself, but many others along the way. I will make the place where I and others belong.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a professional writer. Words and ideas are My life. One of My favorite stories of all time is Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes. In high school as a project for My third year of Spanish, I translated it from Spanish to English. So it's no surprise that I love the musical "Man of La Mancha." Recently, I found Myself watching a copy of it (which I hadn't done in ages). The famous aria "The Impossible Dream" gave Me a thought. I'll get back to it in a minute.

My husband and I have fabulous discussions all the time. Neither of us has lost our wonder at how the Universe works or how people work. Sometimes our conversations are esoteric, sometimes philosophical, sometimes abstract and sometimes very practical. 

Something else you need to know is that one thing in this world that I know is Marines. I'm not so familiar with other branches of our military, but I know Marines. I should know them. The man that was more of a father to Me than anyone else was a Marine. My husband is a Marine. One of our sons is a Marine. Two of our youngest children are seriously considering joining The Corps.

Not too long ago, the hubby and I were discussing how there is (in this lifestyle) a debate about whether or not submission is a sign of weakness. Whether or not someone feels a need to submit because he's weak. I'll admit that there are some subs who submit out of weakness. But I know from experience not all are like that. 

Our discussion led us to what submission really means. During the conversation he put it (I think more for his own benefit) in the reference of a warrior. A warrior goes out and fights. He completes his mission and he doesn't necessarily question WHY he's on this mission and he frequently disregards his own well being and safety to complete said mission. In essence, a soldier submits on a regular basis. Do any of us think of someone like that as weak? No we don't. He gets it.

Now back to My favorite story and that glorious song. There are many interpretations of what Don Quixote is all about. What the underlying meaning is behind the story. I think like any piece of great literature, there are multiple meanings. While I was watching "Man of la Mancha" it occurred to Me that its most famous aria could be applied to the soldier and also a man's desire to submit:

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ... 

This is my quest, to follow that star ... 
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ... 
To fight for the right, without question or pause ... 
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ... 

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest, 
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm, 
when I'm laid to my rest ... 
And the world will be better for this: 
That one man, scorned and covered with scars, 
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage, 
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

Need I say more? I don't think so.

Just an FYI for all you dear, sweet subs out there on CM. If you have viewed Our profile numerous times and are waiting for Me/Us to send you a message, don't hold your breath. I'm not going to assume that because someone checks Us out repeatedly that he/she is interested in starting a convo with Me/Us. I figure it this way: if you don't have enough balls to type a few words of introduction to Me, then you don't have enough balls to even remotely "hang" with Me.   I would simply chew you up and spit you out without even a thought. BORING! I have better things to do. For those that have bothered to approach Me...good boys and girls. ;)

Something else to know is that I/We DO have senses of humor and We were BOTH brought up to have manners. As a little girl, My Granny beat those manners into Me...literally! As far as he goes, he is the very definition of a Southern Gentleman. However, the sense of humor and manners, should never be taken as a sign of Me being a push-over...

Wow. It's been a LONG time since I've logged into CM. Obviously, I'm feeling an "itch" again and feel the need to put my hooks out and see what I manage to find. We took a break from everybody for almost a year. We needed to spend the time exploring us, without interruption from anyone else. What a difference a year makes... 

I'm always amazed when I look inside at how we can evolve. Time and experience can change so many things. I find myself frequently in a state of introspection. Recently, I had a flash of a thought of what I want. Ever since that moment, that thought has grown and led to other things swimming around in my mind, burning almost out of control, almost consuming everything.

What have I been thinking so intently about? I've been thinking about what I want. Rather, I've been thinking about whom I want. How would someone like that fit into our lives? What is it that I want from that person? What am I willing to give in return? Is what I want even possible in reality? Is it feasible? I was so incredibly blessed when He found me. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that somehow, I could be that lucky a second time and find something else I want in life? 

Perhaps I'm either overly optimistic or possibly delusional, but I believe it IS possible. I believe in so many ways, I live a magical life. Admittedly, some of that "magic" may come from the fact that I'm a spoiled, demanding, determined, bitch who is willing to leave no stone unturned, when I want something or someone.

Fakes....Liars.....and Cheats....

So this isn't My first rodeo. Our profile says We just joined a few weeks ago, but I have been doing this for a long time. It was time however to make a profile for the both of Us. This entry isn't about whining about anything. It's simply an observation about people and the fact that SO many out there are simply dishonest. It's not only on this site in particular, but all over the net and in "real" life too.

One of the things I see many subs/slaves complain and comment about is the difficulty in finding a genuine Domme.  It's not any different for Dominants. The number of people who claim to want to be sub, collared, owned, etc etc, but really have no intention of doing any of those things is astounding. The lengths that some people will go to...well, it boggles the Mind, really.

On an intellectual level, I understand WHY people lie, either overtly or by omission. There are the habitual liars who couldn't tell the truth if their lives depended on it. Lying habitually can often be traced back to childhood and the NEED to be dishonest, for various reasons. Something that starts as a defense mechanism turns into such a habit the person loses the ability to be completely genuine and honest. Habitual liars are usually pretty easy to spot. Another reason for dishonesty is simple insecurity and/or the fear of rejection. I've found that usually that is the motivation for lies of omission. People are so insecure about themselves or their situation in life and they are so afraid that telling the whole truth will cause someone to reject them. 

Because I am so completely comfortable in My own skin, and because I have no fear of rejection, I have no qualms with laying everything out on the table. People comment on a daily basis that My honesty and openness is so refreshing and even startling at times. Sometimes those comments make Me marvel at the fact that honesty seems to be such a precious commodity any more. Personally, I don't see any reason to be anything other than genuine. I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea. Not everyone is going to like Me. That's okay, because there are TONS of people out there who absolutely ADORE Me. The worst someone can say to Me is "no" and come on...hearing "no" ISN'T the end of the world. Ya just have to take in stride and move on to something/someone else. It's pretty easy, if ya think about it.

So, if you're reading this, here are a couple things to think about. First, if you're not happy and not getting what you want, have you closely examined what you're putting out to the world? Second, if you lie, eventually the truth will come out and when it does, how much time have you wasted? Third, isn't it better to be rejected for who you are than to be loved for who you aren't? Fourth, being honest is just so much less work....

Ahhhh...the pleasures of the flesh....evolution...and the not too often talked about "Dom space." 

So a little back story here. When I first started this a few years ago, My first inclination was to try submission. Well, that lasted all of maybe 5 minutes, before he wanted Me to do something I wasn't comfortable with and stood up and said "Oh hell no, you can f*ck off." I realized then, that submission isn't for Me. 

My first sub was male. He had quite a bit of experience and ended up teaching Me a whole new world of things. He was amazing. I remember being tentative about certain things, just because they were so new to Me. Our relationship ended only because he had to relocate for his job. I still love him and enjoy it when he and I can catch up, now as friends. 

My second sub was a BEAUTIFUL, tiny little woman. She was so intelligent and creative and just breath-takingly gorgeous. She absolutely worshipped Me. She was so loyal and devoted. I remember the pride and joy I felt when We went anywhere and everyone's heads would turn, and people stared. I remember the ecstasy of consuming her flesh. Unfortunately, I failed her. Because of My lack of experience, I didn't realize the vitalness of discussion about needs and desires before I took on the responsibility of being her Dominant. Eventually, I discovered she had a very deep need to be physically abused. 

One night she brought out some pictures of the after effects of a caning session with her ex-husband. Sitting there, looking at all those pics, I was disgusted and horrified and I remember crying, I finally told her to put them away. I couldn't look at them any more. I will never forget those images. The welts and broken skin all over her tiny body. I couldn't imagine how anyone could do something like that to her. I was angry at her ex for doing it and I was angry at her for letting him do it. That night, there was no D/s. I made exquisite love to her, one human being to another.

Shortly after that, I broke things off with her. It pained Me to do it, because I adored her so. I realized though, that I just couldn't give her what she needed. I couldn't bring Myself to inflict the kind of pain she needed and craved. I couldn't love her the way she needed Me to love her. When I told her it was over, it killed Me to hear her beg and plead. It killed Me to see her tears. 

My how things have changed. I have evolved. I have grown. I have realized things about Myself and I have embraced those things. I understand things now that in past I couldn't even wrap My mind around. While I have come into My own, I know I'm not done evolving yet. I'm not done growing. I'm not done learning. Although I have always been aware of exactly how much power and strength I possess. At one time I feared it and tried to hide and deny it. Now, I relish it. I enjoy it. Now I have zero qualms about wrapping someone up in it and overwhelming him or her. I have no problem using someone. I enjoy taking advantage of another's weakness or need and using it for My pleasure and satisfaction.

Recently, one of My slaves told Me through teary eyes (as he bowed down to Me), how I amazed him with My ability to be sweet and affectionate so much of the time, but still make a person feel completely Owned and humbled. That same day, I was having a conversation with a new slave. he had made the comment that I'm so different from every other Domme/Mistress he's ever come across. I told him not to let My usually easy going demeanor fool him. I very honestly told him that while most of the time I choose to be warm, I WILL abuse him. I WILL humiliate and degrade him. I WILL punish him. I WILL inflict pain and torture. I WILL make him cry and beg. I WILL overwhelm him. I WILL crush him under My boot. I WILL make him shake with fear and anticipation. I WILL consume him and Own his mind, body and soul completely. I will take what I want, whenever and however I want it. I will not apologize. I will not take no for an answer. I will love him and protect him and hold his hand. I will engulf him in My power and strength. he will bow down to Me. he will please Me. he will worship Me. he will be consumed by need to serve Me in whatever way I want. he will feel lost without Me. when W/we're apart, he will ache inside to be near Me again. I will become his religion.

Now, about the rush and ecstasy of Owning someone. The feeling that comes over Me when I see that look in a sub or slave's face is indescribable. When I see that look in one's eyes. The desperation. The need. The pleading. The anticipation. The little flash of fear. The absolute submission to My will and desire. The unadulterated desire and need to serve and please Me. The devotion and adoration.  The willingness to be ANYTHING I want one to be...

I decided to start writing about the whole BDSM lifestyle experience. I wasn't sure where to put all of it, so I opted for this forum (for now). Hell, I might even throw in some of Our vanilla things as well, (when they're funny of course).

Over the years, I have done so much research into this lifestyle. I'm a writer by nature and as a profession, so research is like second nature to Me. I've interviewed kinksters of all persuasions, in an effort to truly understand what motivates U/us to choose an alternative lifestyle. One thing I have found common to E/everyone is this: a vanilla life simply isn't enough, no matter what path S/someone is on. For some reason, without the kink, W/we feel like there is something missing in O/our lives: something very profound. I've found that for M/many the BDSM experience is akin to some sort of spirituality and without it, the world simply feels pale and even void. 

One of the most difficult things about being like this is the fact that it's not something O/one can share openly with just anyone. There is such a stigma attached to kink that some of U/us go our whole lives without expressing O/our desires for fear that W/we will be labeled a monster or freak. That fear can be devastatingly isolating. I personally have the luxury of being fearless. I am who I am and am not afraid who knows it. I don't worry about whether or not I'm accepted or understood. I don't feel that need that so many do to conform. As Stuart Smalley says: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog-gone it, people like Me!"