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What can Abbot and Costello teach us about BDSM?I have long been here trying to make a case AGAINST checklists. Don't
get me wrong they serve a purpose but to me I think the fetish list has
gotten in the way of the purpose.
The question has always been: the analogy.
Here is my latest one.
When I was two saying boo made me laugh.
When I was five saying Cookie Monster with a voice made me laugh.
By 10 any swear word got howls of laughter.
At 15 it was any joke with eh word "tits"
This
(to me) is the state of the checklist. It is a one trick bit. It is
laughs by punch line. You start with "Why did the chicken cross the
road" and end with "...her tits" and you get a laugh.
(truthfully i may still crack up at it.)
What
I see in fetish focus and the usual progression of "under protection"
to "collar" is the equivalent to "Knock knock" and fart jokes. The
Dom/Domme asks this and it gets done. For example: An early act is
making the sub claim she belongs to X followed closely by the
modification of the profile to attract other woman (every 16 year old's
dream, truthfully it is often a nightmare)
In each of these steps
there is confusion, often a bit of strife, and feelings of ignorance.
The usual explanation is that the sub is new and this is "the way".
Perhaps true but what these are smart women, past 25 who have had
relationships. As such they have value and can ADD to the relationship
versus just being pulled along.
When it comes to funny the joke
gets a laugh. What really moves us as we get older is "the situation" or
the story. Take this thing I saw recently: A comic explained that he
went to get a physical for gym class at a gynecologist. When the nurse
asked if he knew that this was an OBGYN he said yes because he didn't
want to look dumb. After that funny twists are followed by ironic
statements, and keen observations. There were no punch lines but it was
richer in it's humor then any of his jokes.
Consider "Who's on First?" a vaudeville comedy routine made most famous by Abbott and Costello.
In
it you have a premise that is so carefully crafted. It is less a joke
then a frame work for one ironic twist after another. It is a construct
by which events can go 10 different ways. Certain rules can't be broken
(you don't ask about the catcher) but on the other hand a lot of simple
questions get simple answers and all are funny without ANY punch lines.
As you listen to it you yourself can imagine new twists like,
Question: What happens on a pop fly to third, who calls for it?
Answer: Who can call for it but I dunno should?
Response: why I am asking!
Answer: Left Field
That
realization makes the joke richer. The supposedly passive audience
starts to make (no pun intended) "what if" and that in turn strengthens
the joke.
This frame work idea, this opportunity to create
improvisations an jazz is what i lost by the rules and checklists we see
here. To me the transformation to life happens when you step into the
frame work and experience it's invisible hand in the most mundane
things.
...the way you choose you clothes for work.
...the sensations you feel as you sit on a red ass on monday
...how you look at home depot.
...instinctively reaching for a bowl when you pour yourself coffee
...the
sudden realization that you are shopping for cereal while wearing
clamps under your clothes and realizing those clamped nipples are NOT
yours to control.
In this mindset the richness of triggered ideas
and ironies. echo and resonates long after the acts. More over it
harnesses the power of the person who is surrendering power. Each of
those realizations delights and tweaks the sub. Each allows drives the
sub to seek more. Isn't that better then doubts and an easy buy in to
the notion that she is new? In time a smart individual who is at home in
the frame work will offer up the same milestones of collar and so on
but it can now come collaboratively which is far far stronger.
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I preach "Integrated BDSM for the career woman".
I think I need to get onto "The View" to share the news? Me, Barbara, Whoopi, and Joy having coffee and talking while we ignore a gagged Elizabeth.
Hmmm...the idea of a gag in Elizabeth's Hasselback's mouth is appealing on a variety of levels yet not one of them is sexual. Who knew? |
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Imagine a scene in a restaurant. Where is not that important, I always find a nice place. Sometimes it has been at a nice low key spanish supper club off 7th ave in NYC; other times in the restaurant atop Mandalay bay hotel in Vegas. Work takes me to world wide so where matters far less then "with who"
You see to me this is about a couple in a quiet corner. Both well-dressed but not over-dressed. Under dim light and the din they appear to be whispering and talking. The music is low. The food is impeccable. The menus are open though not really being browsed. In front is a basket of bread, a plate of fine olive oil and two glasses of wine. Some of the bread has been eaten but the olive oil is untouched.
Under the table, hidden by the long table cloth is quite a different story.
Her legs are splayed wide open.
Her bottom rests bare on her seat.
To her upper thighs are attached thick cuffs of leather, to her wrist another cuff, between the thigh cuff and the wrist cuff: a short metal clasp.
Above the table hey chat openly and freely. Perhaps they debate film or literature? The conversation is easy and it is give and take. Above all he asks a lot of questions and is enthralled by the wisdom and strong opinions she can impart. He wants to learn, be informed, and hear her out.
Even as she argues strongly against him above the table below her blouse her heart beats fast for his hand slowly moves up her thigh. She knows this man well enough to know that the place is safe.
This allows training (or molding) to kick in. when she sat down, her skirt had to rose automatically and she waited for the cue to sit. For a second that felt like a minute her bare striped bottom would be visible if someone could see over his shoulder. Of course that makes her heart pound but her mind is at ease.
She knows he values her and even seems to be a bit in awe. In public she can call him by his first name and he is happy to hear her use his name. The fact they disagree vigorously on state of the economy won't be held against her later when his flogger comes out. Indeed on these matters he never pulls ranks. The give and take of how they interact is respectful and natural. The ease of how she opens up to him has nothing to do with training, rather it is rapport, chemistry, and empathy.
Now, every now and then he'll break from vanilla chat to whispers in her ear, image after image rolls into her mind. Each a notion that is impossible for a responsible modern woman, but each also tangible, indeed craved, as that same woman searches for her submissive truth. In her head she simply hears it, processes it, and lets the resultant feeling wash over her.
…The image of her red bottom bent over his knee
…the notion of her clamped nipples under her blouse while shopping for groceries
…the vision of her naked torso walking out of this very restaurant’s restroom
…the idea of pulling a cigar from her thong and brazenly asking the cute bartender for a light
…the command that makes her roll her thong all the way down and around her ankles. Her dining mate tightly snaps her wrists together behind her back. With the click and a discreetly quiet NOW she starts the process using just the grind of her hips knowing full well that when she is done her most private of undergarments will be visible for anyone who takes the time to gaze at her shoes
Later as the bread in his right hand reaches her privates she is shocked by how it rapidly dampens. As he slowly shares that piece of bread with her she is elated at the pure decadence....
HOWEVER through all this the conversation was light and easy. The only give away of his primal urge to control is how her eyes locked on hers throughout as his nostril flared and the occasional lick of lips and wry , evil, grin.
BDSM is often misinterpreted. Most seem to believe it is a guy telling a woman what to do, how to behave, what to believe. I prefer to see it otherwise. I think it is sub driven.
The challenge is not to impose something; the rush is bringing out of the sub what is most powerful for her.
It is a context that allows you to set aside the conventions of modern society and simply FEEL. If this is not something you can or want to feel it is not for you. I don't ask obedience of my sub-partner so much as I ask honesty. I want her to open herself to feeling. Beyond that the structures of BDSM are simply a way to deeper understanding of self.
This is more or less what believe |
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I think the idea of proclaiming BDSM as a person's lifestyle is as
ridiculous as proclaiming sex as your lifestyle or tooth-brushing as
your lifestyle.
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Hung on HBO is really pretty funny
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SkyScraper Heels has the best VOLLERS corsets....
If you have not been....you must go....
Funny....
I seem to recall your eyes lit up at all the shoes.
I seem to recall you couldn't get into the metal boned corset fast enough.
I seem to recall you wanted to be groped and touched as you were laced in.
I seem to recall you eagerly got rid of your belt were shameless about letting your thong show
I seem to recall the heels were high but not high enough
I seem to recall you looking for a place to grind your crotch you were so wanton and turned on.
...but then that is just me.
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Sad, Wistful(angry), and Happy. Why we are here?>>>>>
I don't think the big distinction in BDSM is Top/Dom/Domme/Sir/Mistress vs sub/slave/bottom/cuck.
I think the big distinction is how you got here. When it comes to life are you Sad, Wistful or Happy. To me that is big fault line.
I think we all have run into SAD: This is the classic person who is here because they don't have friends to call Friday night. This is the person who pans "the bar scene" but also won't fit in because they just don't fit in generally in society. I think there a lot of people here who need acceptance. To me this delivers comfort to them.
Many who say they are not sad are being honest. However if you press a little more you sense a wistful side. A yearning for the simple rules of the 1950s or the two dimensional simplicity of Gor for example. The other place I see it is a He-man little woman motif. many hee feel a strong kinkship to a simpler more literal masculinity and femininity.What marks this often is a stated extension of life. ("I was in the Army where I learned..."). I wonder if perhaps this is almost an effort to establish a break way society or a pocket of retro reality. I don't think anyone here will cop to frustration but I think it is there. I add (anger) because often it manifests as tirades over sub vs bottom or us vs them. To me this category is searching for escape to a reality that suits them.
The last group is where I like to think I came from. I see the rest o society as entitled to be what it is an I am happy to be part of it. I don't fault most people for not getting the complexity of power exchange and I'm tolerant of whatever form of human interaction you want to call BDSM (within SSC limits mind you). My counterpart(s) are those who are here after work and family and play are satisfied. They are here because they are happy with all of it and seek a contrast to it. This in the end is a sense of mediation, a chance to reflect on the contrast to regular life.
To me...and I'm the first to say that I may be an idiot...you have to understand why you do this and then evaluate this kink in that light. If you seek comfort ten seek comfort givers. If you seek escape be Ok with escape. If you seek mediation then do that.
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Some wrote me the following as part of an ongoing conversation
I want to submit, let go of my power for that brief period and experience
feelings and emotions that have never been allowed to surface.
This emotional component is critical. This
demands that the top is equipped to see and interchange on an emotional
basis. The biggest issue you will find are the purely literal types who
have the physical down cold but this emotional stuff they don’t want to
touch. They take a stance that this emotional stuff is your mistake and
your problem and your imperfection. Truth be told the power he has is
not derived from physical size or acts but exactly how he handles this
emotional component of you. If he allows you to experience it fully
while not making you feel insecure then you CRAVE him. Likewise your
sense of safety is very much tied up in feeling he is vested in this
manipulation vs just doing it till the sex starts.
If he can
instill fear, happy, sadness, and elation while making you feel
respected as you come out of sub space then you are in a good place.
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Before the internet BDSM groups were an urban phenomenon made up of
artsy counter culture folks and a lot of gay men. It was an eclectic
mix. You still find that in some places like NYC and London.
In
theory the internet is a good thing but i am not sure if it has been here. The
internet opened BDSM up to the masses but it has also allowed a lot of
people who have nowhere else to go into the scene. That may be the
issue.
If I argue with someone at a BDSM event I may not come
back next time. Why? Well basically because I have a life. I don't see
this as a lifestyle or life and death. I may not return simply because
the next Friday i have plans to go to a concert in the park with
vanilla friends. I simply may not go because i have other options.
A
lot of the people who are core now to these groups have nowhere else to
go. They may take their BDSM friends to a concert or dinner but BDSM is
what defines them.
This is not a critique of BDSM per se. I am
uncomfortable with co-workers who define their social circles entirely
around their scary mega church in the burbs or their yuppy biker club.
I just think this behaviour is magnified in BDSM circles because so
many come from lives where they were TOTAL loners before. Skills they
should have learned in high school are not there
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Spent the weekend in London
Someone I trained way back flew in to meet me. Went to a great party near the Barbican. It was so nice to be part of that vibe.
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Heading To London May 16.
We're wondering what we should do that night. Suggestions?
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Sex is to BDSM in the way laughter relates to a good joke.
Too many people want to see someone stand before them and just laugh on
command. They miss the science of crafting the joke, the journey of
setting it up, the gleen in the eye as you set it up, and the surprise
and clarity people feel when you deliver the punch line.
You know we don't laugh at a joke off the funny as much as we do from the
realization of how obvious the answer is. This is what those who sub
want to feel.
When you look at that the sex, should it happen, is a mere by product of BDSM done right.
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CHANGE IS COMING
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq8Uc5BFogE
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Safety is a given? how can you entertain thoughts around any of this stuff if you can't feel safe?
That said safety isn't just physical, it isn't even just emotional. Safety is a security in knowing you aren't crazy. This is manifested by someone who can accept your totality and incorporate all of it in his ownership of you.
You are right : this internet thing is screwed up because it offers so much cover.
For example:
"Get on your knees and crawl to me bitch"
I have said that. So have a lot of the Doms (see rant below on Doms) on here
When she gets on her knees I recall my own training where I learned by crawling as she does. I know the smell of floor and how sound travels differently.
He pictures the girl who laughed at him when he asked her to prom, a rejection that set up the rest of his life.
I know the crawl should be slow, deliberate, and should allow her mind to slowly get in the moment.
He sees the crawl as a triumph in his life. A chance to say , finally, he is in charge. That will show his boss who chewed him out for having no initiative.
He showers her with curses because finally he has command. This i about him and his lust and she serves him
I use "bitch" to contrast from the everyday but i like silence so she can just hear my breath and her own. I focus on the arch of the back an the spread of th leg in the crawl so the air can brush up and shock her at her own arousal. Most importantly I am pulling for her to relax and feel the second. I don't want her knees to hurt nor her wrists so I make her crawl elbows down. This is about triggering a mood in her.
I don't envy you. How do you tell who gets it and who doesn't here? I get it yet I struggle with how to put it across.
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"An imagined kiss is more easily controlled, more thoroughly enjoyed, and less cluttery than an actual kiss." (E.B. White).
IS this why so many seek this online only?
Do they fear what can be?
It's a shame. Amid that clutter is truth which makes a kiss far more then a kiss?
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uhhh....why is people see the military as good prep for becoming a Dom?
<http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21922322/>
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A Dom has to like women, women need to like him. Why is this such a foreign concept?
I thought about it and have decided there is a simple test.
As a guy with an interest in BDSM you have to have 4 or 5 attractive women who are just your vanilla friends. These friends should be people you can just hang out with.
Then and only then are you ready to THINK about this BDSM stuff.
Comments?
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ART vs "Dom"
I'm not fond of the word "Dom". Every woman hater who speaks english is
familiar with the word and he uses it to justify or rationalize his own
short comings.
Dom has come to mean a man who has a plan and is seeking women to fulfill that idea.
It's kind of impersonal.
Myself I see this as an art. Taken as such I am a sculptor and my raw clay is
the mind of a creative, selective, and attractive woman with an
attraction to giving up power in a power exchange relationship.
She
has to have power to give up, the strength to be able to give it up,
and the seasoning to savor the freedom from that power.
Not sure what else to say. It seems so Obvious. Why does this notion swim against the tide?
Alas my own gender disappoints me again.
More later, ciao.
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