Sorry collarme, I've been caught up in my own personal issues as of lately. Ugh, life.

So even though Venture Brothers is playing while I type this........nah, I don't know why I did that, not like I'm going to be able to pay attention to typing up a journal entry.

I wonder what people's first impression is when they first see my profile. Depending on the person, I guess it would range from huhhhhhhhh to eh, this person might be capable of actual human interaction. So, I love getting hit and shit, but all this other nammy pammy nonsense that I hear about bdsm usually throws me for a loop. The nammy pammy being the over serious approach I feel that most people take about their bdsm experience and stature. But then I think about it and I realize it's just what turns you on probably and maybe you also have a stick up your ass about most things in general. Wooo dooooppity dop dop doop. Also, my way of going about explaining myself is probably not very conducive to anyone else's thought process, but this is a product of lack of schooling and letting the internet and numerous libraries be my teachers...oh and how can I forget the boob tube for all that it has giving me.

So after a month of being on this site, I think I've found enough serious relations at this point. Well, only one...and I do like to call him my Sir. ^_________^

As far as casual sex goes, ehhh if you're any fun let's try it. I'm up for interesting times and as well I'm up for talking to people online. Maybe even having my own whipping boy or girl, but that still is a very new concept for me to digest and something I need quite a bit of practice in.

So I'm into this whole casual sex thing, which is also weird after 9 years of monogamous relationships, but very freeing all at the same time. SO I'm poly or just a slut? Ehh, fucking labels. I just don't see sex as something very special unless the circumstances permit it to be, but having sexual moments with people, like a one night stand can be exciting and thrilling and worth the one night. Ever again, maybe not. But after a few beers, maybe some horrible dancing, and good music, we can connect for one night through our bodies. Sexual tension can be felt through numerous different people, but why not act on that sexual tension, because most of the time it's just sexual tension. Nothing more, nothing less, and you get off and go about your business. But that sexual tension needs to be felt first or then it's just date rape...was that blunt...or just dark. Ehh, whatever.

So my submissive desires...oooooohhhhhh lord....feels so wonderful. Those desires are so desired...I'm going leave that last one there because I typed it without thinking and it would be nice to remember how silly it was. I think I'm a little bit put off by them because when put in the situation I feel very fragile. Everyone has their own issues and being viewed as weak by people is something I don't care for because of past occurrences in my life. Maybe I'm strong in some sense. I know what I want to some extent, but being pressed by people's sick demented attempt at coercement is something I'm not easily fooled by or willing to put up with. Honesty would be nice, or just up front what the fuck is going on and let's not beat around the fucking bush. There's that whole no straight line of thought thing. One day at a time and more experience and not typing up journals while watching the Venture Brothers and being sleepy. Ehh, better to let people know what they're getting into I guess.

Wow, collarme has frightened me even more today. Also, I hope people don't go to the forums for advice in general. Other sites are probably better for that like the submissive guide website if you are a submissive whatever. That place is pretty kicking. This thing they call bdsm is so beautiful due to it's raw intense emotions that it can complete a person with that intensity that's lacking in so many other parts in life.

So I sent Saturday evening and Sunday morning with HappilyMiserable who had graciously invited me for the second time up to his place to do incredibly dirty and kinky fun things.

Fuck me...this is going to take me forever only because I don't know how to go about  it. The feeling of satisfaction isn't overwhelming but it definitely takes over my being. It all feels so intimate to the point I want to keep it all too myself. Even though I felt like I'm treated like this beautiful creature, I'm absolutely in love with the thought of being tied up and used as a little toy.

So during the night,  after dinner and brisk walk, I was commanded into the playroom which then I was ordered to take my clothes off, but of course no rush. All of the instruments along with the rack of sorts (I don't know what the fuck to call it) looked lovely in the glow of the candles placed around the room. After I had undressed, I was blindfolded, which is a wonderful sense to be deprived of while being strapped up in cuffs and connected to the rack. So here I am bent over on the table, connected to the bars, and a spacer spreading my legs apart all while having my ass paddled first which left a lovely numb feeling all over my behind. I found it funny after a hard hit that it was fun to wrap my toes around the spacer bar and hear the links clink as I shook. The build up from small little pats to a big hit made me feel so excited....then I think I nearly came feeling the hot wax dripped on my sensitive ass. I don't know why I didn't think about it before when I saw them lit, but then I'm pretty glad I didn't. It feels like my whole mind stops and a new person rises up. FOLLOW ME OVER HERE TO THIS THOUGHT!>!>!>! The whole thing was great, every little drip of wax and pinch of nipples by the clamps, or swat from the crop....even the fingers up my ass and being told how slutty my ass is for being able to fit four fingers, but the feelings of being a little play toy makes me feel complete. Kneeling down in front of you and letting you take control makes me giddy as a fucking backstreet boys fan getting touched by their favourite member. Now, I'm just getting goofy and gooey with little submissive desires of serving people...SO this is the first draft and the final product. I enjoyed every hit, every scratch, and every burn..........

Also, the fucking is fucking fantastic........and oh my god, I am a slut for all kinds of oral.

Other than that....moody moody....and kind of wish I can be bonded up and abused like the little pain/cum slut that I am.

Well....I had an interesting night last night. I was a little hesitant about the whole thing, because I'm not very interested in him that way, but he was pretty pitiful and what better time to start learning about my dominant desires.

I needed a lot of working up to before I was ready to do anything,as well as some questioning about what he would like to have done to him since it was the first time for him being dominated by a woman and I didn't want to go off the cuff, that just sounds like a blunder waiting to happen. He suggested that I could tell him to put on his rope cuffs, which I did, and then I proceeded to use some of his toys on him that he had brought along with him. Nipple clamps were the next thing I wanted to try out on somebody and myself, so I pinched up his nipples and snapped them in there. Then I tugged on the chain a few times to see if they were secure, which wasn't the case since they slipped off and I had the joy of putting them on again a few more times before they were secure enough to stay on while pulling them. So after the nipples were clamped and dick pulled out, the next thing to be used was his crop. Now, I enjoyed this part quite a bit...definitely my favourite...mmmm, it was great just circling the bed staring at the semi tied up form that was waiting on me. So I would light a cigarette and draw  little xs on his inner thighs with the edge of the crop and either hit where x marks the spot or the opposite thigh. So back and forth with that and then other things happened which is whatever to me. The whole tied up to the bed with my dramatic theatrics was my highlight of the session and maybe I'm just not sexually attracted to men begging. To dom over men, but anything of a sexual nature isn't something I find appealing. Slapping your dick around with my crop and then smothering your face in my pussy is great, but I feel no desire to suck your cock or snuggle afterwards. Ehhh, so I like to be a bitchy domme who doesn't give you anything or maybe different situations might yield different feelings. Most likely.

I feel tired and beat and unable to reply back to any messages at this moment.

Sorry, I'll get back to some of you and some I'll just completely ignore. Ehhh, move on in life.

I'm figuring out more about what type of dominant I want controlling me. Also, since I'm still a little shaken up by my desires and trying to cope that I have them in general, I always need somebody who is willing to treat me like the scared little subbie bunny rabbit that I am. Meaning, be smooth and NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS! Plus, I need a lot of tender loving care after I've been used and abused. If you can't give the whole package, then what's the point of talking or even doing anything? I'm serious about how I feel during these things. It's some of the most sincere feelings I have when I'm submitting to somebody. Then the whole slutty thing about me is a little annoying when people perceive it to be anything goes nonsense and I'm always willing. Ugh, let's play the game before we get the reward please. I like build up and then a wonderful release.

Got to go....finish this later I guess.