So. Fucking. Horny.

And no relief in sight. Le sigh, le sigh.

Le sigh. Back from Maui.  I did not want to come home.  I'm thinking about relocating in the next six months or so. Th epic sunburn is fading fast, leaving me much darker than I thought possible...I guess anything is more tan than fish-belly blue, though.

The tattoo is healing rather nicely, as well.

Stab stab stabstabstab.

...that is all.

Jesus, you post something under STRICTLY PLATONIC on cl and people get all salty when you don't wanna fuck 'em.

This? Is not winning, ladies and gentlemen. 

I kind of want to stomp all electronic devices in the face until they die from it.

Yeah, I'm a little salty about it.  And I should probably remove all the sand from my vagina cuz really.  If that's the biggest complaint I've got, I think I'm doing aight.

BUT STILL.

We will be remembered for what we have done and what we have left undone. We eulogize ourselves every day with our actions or inactions, by what we say to each other, and how we interact with the world around us.

I will never understand men.  

One is mad that I do not want or need his financial support, one is mad he is incapable of taking care of me in that capacity...which we've previously established I would be uncomfortable with anyway. One is mad that I didn't talk to him the other night while he was at work (my thinking was, "He's, you know, WORKING.") One is hurt that I didn't call him today.  One is displeased because I will not move in with him. One hasn't spoken to me in a few days. One is being a whiny little girl about how we aren't in a relationship and yet appears to want to be. They are all hurt that I do not have a bazillion hours in the day to spend with each of them, let alone divide it between them and everyone else I know. 

My question is this:  Since I currently belong to none of you, where are your feelings of entitlement coming from?  As far as I knew (in most of these instances) we were only just friends...when did that change, why didn't I get that memo?

...and now I shall cry myself to sleep.  

I don't have much to say.  That's a first. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach after drinking a crushed-glass smoothie.

You have hurt me.  I understand that you lashed out in anger, but some words once spoken can't be taken back.  Instead of talking to me, you berated me, cast judgement, and basically forgot who I am as a person, hurling your insults at my skin and slashing me open.  I know the things you said about me are not true, I know YOU know they aren't true, so the question becomes, how does one justify tearing down someone they supposedly love?  I cannot fathom how your logic works; that you would think that would bring us closer together is absolutely ludicrous.

I am wounded but I will survive.  I will try to forgive you, but I make no promises.  But of this be absolutely sure: we are finished. There was hope for us, but not after last night. Make no mistake.  You are erroneous in your assumptions, and I have no use for someone who doesn't trust me or cannot communicate with me.  It's called 'submissive', not 'doormat'.

Breakfast with a side of suicide.

How does one reconcile the vanilla side that wants to love and to be loved with the D/s side that doesn't believe?

Why don't you light your tampon on fire and blow your box apart, because it's the only bang you're ever going to get, sweetheart.

I'm at a loss.

I find myself extremely confused and conflicted by most aspects of my life these days, which is something altogether new and uncomfortable, and I'm asking myself questions like, "Is it possible to love more than one person romantically at one time?" "What, exactly, am I supposed to be doing with myself?"  "Is this worth the risk? IS there a risk? And do I care?" "How does one justify breaking someone's heart, and do I have to?"  "Do I really think I'm going to want kids someday?"  "Is it really the smartest thing to buy a house, even though that's all you've ever wanted: stability?" "What is it I'm searching for, what's missing?"  "Do I go back to school?" "Do I really ever/never want to get married again?"   "What the fuck am I doing?!" "How do I choose?  Why do I have to choose? My decision-maker is fucking broken!" "What do I want, what do I want, what do I want?"

The answers vary from day to day, and I think that's the worst part.  And then I have these little arguments with myself...ugh.  Vicious cycle.  I'm sure that makes me extremely fun to live with, romantically-speaking.

But some things I am absolutely certain about: 

1. I hate this town, and I was reluctant to come back, even just to pack my stuff and get the fuck gone again.

2. I care very deeply about certain individuals ( I believe you know who you are), and nothing will change that.

3.  The thought of you always makes me smile.

4.  The 80s gave us maaaaybe 50 good songs. IF that.

     4b.  If you ask me to play Journey at one of my shows I will cut you.

5.  There's not enough love in this world

6.  I don't know shit.

I don't know why I miss you.

I have a wonderful man in my life who would never raise his hand to me in anger, who bends over backwards to make me happy, and who seems to really love me.  He is amazing, more than I deserve, and I love him. I am not going to give him up, and I think you know this.

And yet I find myself thinking about you and what we had when it wasn't bad.  You say you will do anything to get me back, and yet today you are not answering me.  You say you have learned your lesson and you are ready for me to come home, but I can sense that your anger has not been dealt with...which is the ONE thing I asked.

Sometimes I wish I could just have both of you.  But I'm positive neither of you would go for that. 

How does a heart reconcile loving two people, one of whom probably doesn't deserve it anymore? 

In other news, I wish you'd get home and tie me up already.

Well, all in all I am glad I didn't go to the meeting last night.  It sounds as though my worst fears for the group have become a nasty reality.  What's the point in sitting around bitching about the problem?  I'd much rather be proactive and try to find SOLUTIONS.  I expressed this to my friend today and he got upset, saying that it isn't our responsibility to come up with those answers, that's up to our representatives.  I can see his point, but I disagree.  It is our job to find the solutions and then bring them to our representatives so they can implement those solutions.  Be the change, people, jesus.  Apparently I'm the only one who actually READ the press release.

Left, right, up, down, for, against, all I ask is that you educate yourselves and THEN make your opinion.  Too often I have found myself forming an opinion based purely on someone else's opinion....and not on fact.  And I dislike that about myself.  I'm trying to change that.

...it's called massive mood swings, and apparently I'm entitled.

I couldn't shake my unease last night.  I'm having a harder time letting go than I thought I would.

And if I'm completely honest, I probably shouldn't really be alone right now.  But if you tell anyone I said that, I will forever deny it.

Happy Samhain!

Somehow I tweaked my shoulder, took too many pain meds (non-narcotic, my freaking ASS) and am now on a completely different planet. Yay, me.  

The protest earlier was...I dunno, the experience was kinda surreal.  I've said for years, the problem with our generation is apathy, so it was cool to see like 30 kids in attendance.  (I say kids because, well, to be honest, if you were born after I hit double digits, you're eleven.  For life.  No, I don't care if I'm 90 and you're 75.  You're eleven, and that's the end of it.)  I ended up leaving about an hour into it, though, because although I am a member of our community, I do not attend that particular university, and they had made it clear that they needed to band together to figure out what their purpose was, aside from the rest of the city's population, which I whole-heartedly support.  Who better than them, yes?  

My brain is all over the place.  I *should* get it together enough to do the dishes ("How did A. die?" "Drowned doing dishes. "Not surprised." ) That will prove difficult, I think.  I have school, the holiday, and cock on the brain, so it should prove to be an interesting afternoon...

I am ridiculously in love with you.

Alright, I admit it, I'm annoyed.  If you wanted to spend your two days off with your friends and your family down where they live, why didn't you just say so?  I will never understand people who give lip-service in a relationship.  Please don't sit there and say you want to spend time with me, all the while looking for something else to do, that's insulting to my intelligence. I resent the "I want you to be around while I do the things I want to do" situation I am finding myself in. I am a reasonable woman, I do not expect us to spend every moment together (nor, honestly, do I want to), and I would not have had a problem if you had just said that was what you wanted to do.  I am not a child, I do not need to be placated.  I am perfectly capable of creating my own entertainment.

You just may not like it much *evil smile*

I miss kissing.

...I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off cock.

I know I keep saying this, but I don't know what happened, I turned 30 and suddenly sex is all I can think about.  I have washed every dish in the house, vacuumed, dusted every surface, started dinner, fed the animals, let the dog out...and yet all I can think is c-o-c-k.  I'm about to cut into the pumpkins and prepare them for carving...I'll probably roast the seeds...and seriously, I know I should probably pay attention when I have sharp things in my hand as I have, shall we say, clumsy tendencies, but I'm pretty sure my brain will go where it wants.  I should probably find the necessary equipment to stitch myself up before I begin...

This is good.  This is very good.

I really dig that we can disagree and get slightly tensed up towards each other, say a few very terse sentences, and then it's done and we've moved on.  I love that you don't like to fight and I love that I can talk to you.  I love that as the days go by we seem to be getting more comfortable with each other rather than more distant...it gets shinier every day, and you know how I like shiny stuff.

Alright, enough sap.  I better get to finding a decent stroganoff recipe online, as my cookbooks are still at my other apartment.

I'm so horny today, wtf?!

Doing the dishes all I could think about was your cock in my mouth, your hands tangled in my hair...straightening up the living room, I envisioned you bending me over the coffee table and fucking me relentlessly (cuz really, there's not much hotter than being seriously manhandled while being fucked relentlessly and hearing "Mine"...) Recalling the other night, I keep hearing you say "Cum for me" and find myself, well, exploding in my pants.  Pretty soon I will start dinner and who knows where my brain will end up.  

I noticed earlier when I was in the bath that you have left quite an array of marks on me...I have scratches, hickeys, bruises...I can't help but think that's kinda sexy.  Helps me feel...I dunno, I think "owned" is the wrong word, but similar....

...I seriously hope I get some tonight, dammit.  If not, there may be a problem...

I suppose it's natural for me to wonder...

My last relationship was...tumultuous, to say the least.  Volatile might be a better word for it.  Yes, we loved each other.  More than two people should.  (Maybe that's part of my reluctance, he loved me more than anyone ever has and probably ever will, with an intensity that I didn't know existed.  I was everything to him, and as I'd never had that before, it was hypnotic to my heart.  I know it's fucked up, but that is hard to let go of.)  But damn, sometimes we hated each other, and hate is an ugly, ugly thing.  And there were some transgressions against each other that neither of us should forgive, and I am aware that I should not ever go back, so that is not an issue.  

Maybe I'm hanging on because I'm scared of my new relationship.  It's, you know, healthy for a change, so that's kinda weird...and I guess I'm unsure of where I stand with him.  Like, I know what he tells me, but I also know that he has a history of being less than forthcoming in his prior relationships concerning his feelings (because he is kind and doesn't like to hurt people's feelings, not because he is deceitful), and this leaves me...unsettled.  People say actions speak louder than words, but damn, sometimes my actions go against every fiber of my feelings so I imagine that's true of everyone.  I absolutely know how I feel about him, though.  I'd like to feel like this forever.  And the sex.  Ohmydamn, the sex.  Icing on the awesomeness cake.

But I'm fucking scared. WHAT THE GARBAGETRASH IS WRONG WITH ME?!  I never used to be afraid.  Am I evolving or devolving?  I hear a little fear is healthy...

...maybe this was a mistake.

I mean, I've lived here three days and you're already fretting about money, I already feel  like I'm not contributing shit...I dunno, it just seems like this maybe was a bad idea.  Don't misunderstand me, please, I like it here. I like waking up to you every morning and making your coffee while you geek out first thing.  I like hanging out with your cats while you're gone, I like falling asleep next to you every night...  

 I guess what I am trying to articulate is that I feel like I'm already in your way.  And that's a terrible feeling.

...I don't feel like enough today.

I can't shake this feeling that I'm making a mistake.

I'm in panic mode.

Frozen...

I'm here at your house (wait, I guess I should start calling it our house) while you are away and I am bored out of my skull.  I've done the dishes, vacuumed, cleaned up, made the bed (which needs to go with a quickness.  I haven't slept well in three days.  I miss the heroin bed).  The cats are on lurk status, trying to avoid Ember, I wonder how they will do with the addition of two more cats;  this place is barely big enough to contain the three of them as it stands.  The other two dogs will have to wait until we live somewhere else.

The only thing I dislike about this place is how far away I am from everything, even the nearest bus stop.  Which, honestly, wouldn't bug me if my ear buds weren't in your car...which is on campus...with you...Other than that, the cuts are wonderful.  And I have all this greenery that the Weed Fairy left me when he visited this weekend, and no one to share it with.  I love that you don't smoke, and I know that's probably superweird coming from a stoner such as myself, but it's true.  So now the quest begins.  And maybe I can figure out how to get my bed over here while I'm at it.

Well, I suppose it's time to explore my inner Domme...

I like the idea, and I'm pretty sure you do, too...I make no promises as to my skills at the outset, but you know what they say, practice makes perfect.

Now,  get down and shut up.

I don't miss much about you, but I do miss the way you always made me feel desired, loved, special, and beautiful.  I miss how I always knew what you were thinking, and you knew what was going on in the chaos of my mind.  I miss how I was always enough for you.  I miss how you always made me feel like I belonged to you, that nothing was more important than me. I miss the way you always wanted to touch me, couldn't seem to get enough of me, my skin, my hair, my scent, how you'd kiss me for hours, how you would stroke my back until I fell asleep every night...

I suppose I'm reminiscing because I have to remind myself of the good things you showed me so I don't drive over to your house and punch you in the face right now.  I cannot believe your audacity.  How dare you come over here and try to cut me down as a person for trying to be happy?  YOU threw us away.  And I will never come back.

Part 1

I'm sorry, I just don't think two people should move in together out of necessity...or because one feels sorry for the other one.  And if I'm mistaken about this, please explain it to me.  I know, I know, you claim that isn't the reason, and yet....we never really talk about it beyond that.  I also believe that when two people move in together, it's best to move into a *new* space as to avoid the usual "That's where I've always kept that so I'm not moving it, That's mine, That's mine" whateverness. (I admit, however, that this is not always the case--sometimes men surprise me and share their space and possessions and lives willingly.)  And I'm a huge fan of having enough room(s) so each person has their own space, a space where they can shut the door and have some solitude....if they so choose.

I know, I have opinions.  But since I moved out at 17, I have pretty much lived with every man I have been in a relationship with (with one or two exceptions. Each time I lived with a man it was either out of pity [on either part] or necessity), so my opinions are based on my experiences.  Granted, I usually ended up living with the guy after only a few weeks, and often the motivations behind the cohabitation were not ideal on their end.  So yes, my love, I have opinions on the subject.  I'm not saying I wouldn't like to live with you (even though it may sound like that), I'm just....wanting to be sure that it's for the right reasons.  Cuz I own A LOT of stuff, in case you've forgotten...and I don't really relish the thought of moving it many more times.

Also...I put some stuff in the drawers you cleared out for me (thank you, by the way, I was surprised into speechlessness when you showed me because I didn't see that coming). 

I went and looked at houses today and it has me pontificating the future.

So I came home and did some calculations and finally(!) picked a field of study that I think will both feed my creative side and yet pay the bills (oh, if only we didn't have to slave away at jobs we hate to survive. Pretty sure that's NOT what our forefathers had in mind when they abolished taxes and all that other crap we learned in seventh grade, but I digress).

I saw a few that I liked and could afford, and saw two that I LOVED but cannot afford.  I have made up a rough budget for myself, and it looks like, with paying everything off in full (which I realize may be smarter not to do, credit-score-wise [what the shit *is* my credit score?!] thankyouverymuch) I will have to forgo the dream for now.

Sad, cuz I'm about ready to kill my roommates.

Domesticity today. 

I am doing The Boy's laundry and cleaning the house in preparation for my biological mother's arrival tomorrow.  Hopefully it will go smoothly and my friends will not make comPLETE asses of themselves.  Wait, what am I saying, of course they will.  They're my friends LOL

In other news, I have discovered that shaving can be dangerous when done unsupervised.  I also found myself wondering why I was so cold...and then I realized I had neglected to get dressed.

Genius today, This One.

In other news, I should let you know that you make me ridiculously happy, happier than I have been in a very, very long time, if ever.  I know, it probably doesn't always seem like it, but it's true.  I just get weirdly introspective around you and I realize that can come across as distant or....whathaveyou.  So please don't mistake my weirdness for unhappiness...there's few things I'd rather do than be around you (even when you're playing your vidya gamez).  I feel, I dunno, free around you. You touch me and the world disappears.  You are wonderful, you bring me happiness, and I love you.

I find that I am both impatient for things to happen and yet reluctant for change to come.  I need a change, a change of scenery perhaps.  I'm feeling awkward and self-conscious and more than a little weirded out.

I wonder why the massive mood-shift overnight.  Seems like I wake up every morning back where I started.  I sort it all out through the day, and go to bed happy.  Rinse and repeat.

Decisions.  I guess they aren't meant to be joint ones.

I am feeling supercontent at this moment, and admittedly this kinda freaks me out.  I don't really want to get all comfortable, as this is probably not a permanent thing...

I'm just....happy.

Well, shit.

I had this entire journal entry about how I'm becoming more domestic as I get older, how I loved being a housewife, how I should probably live alone at some point in my adult life but at the same time I need to be needed...

Then the phone rang and I accidentally unplugged the laptop.  Lost it all. 

I should make some cream of garlic soup today.

Opf, my spine.  I suppose that's what I get for arching my back and propping myself up on one arm for so damn long...ahhh, I have missed my bed. *MELT*

Alright, chicken roasting, tea steeping, world domination contemplated and finally rejected...too much responsibility.

Jesus. I turned 30 and became someone else.

All of a sudden, I am worrying about things I never previously worried about, changing my mind about things I was convinced of, and where did all this lust come from?  

Note to self: Don't think about the future, don't think about the future, don't think about the future, don't think about the future, don't think about the future, don't think about the future, don't think about the future.  It will only drive you crazy.  You know what you want, and you also know you won't get it.  So stop torturing yourself.  You cannot control it, and you know better than to worry.  And seriously, when the hell did you quit living in the moment?  Why the sudden concern with tomorrow and next month and next year? NOT a good look for you, my friend.

It's hard to make decisions when everything is up in the air.  There's only one thing I'm sure about right now: I feel like an astronaut, and I'd like to feel like this for a very, very long time.

I am exhausted from arguing with you.  We never resolve anything, we just go in circles.  You seem to take no responsibility for what has transpired between us over the last five years, and I take too much.  I cannot continue to fight with you.  It isn't healthy for either one of us.  Yes, we genuinely loved each other, yes, I am a better person for what we shared, and yes, we absolutely had something special.  But we don't anymore, I'm building that with someone else.  I'm sorry that hurts you, I'm sorry I broke your heart.  But, beloved, you broke mine a long time ago.  Remember it was you who ultimately asked to end things.  I will always care about you, and I will always remember what we had.  We both deserve happiness.  It's time to say goodbye...for good. 

Roll

me like a joint

Tongue my leaves

and twist my ends

Lick me gently

light my fire

Breathe me in and blow me out

Fill yourself with me

and smoke me down,

taking all that I am

Feeling much less self-destructive today, and the horniness has subsided slightly...I may have to remedy the rest of it later.  There's something about being at your place...it's a nice respite from the chaos of my house.  Don't get me wrong, I love my roommates.  But after the week I have had...well, it was either shut myself in my room for a week or come here.  So here I be.  It's not as weird as it used to be (although....I *do* feel slightly awkward watching porn on your computer with the photo of your ex looking down at me....that's slightly weird.  I'm not asking you to take it down, just....I may turn it towards the wall next time your porn collection and I have a moment together.)

This is absolutely my ice cream truck. (I heard you say you love me, and I'm sorry my reaction wasn't more....appropriate.  For that I feel like an asshole.) 

1. Last night.  So many things.  Sometimes I absolutely wish I was a mind-reader.

2.   I was reading some of my past journal entries the other day and I came across one that made me laugh because it's still sooooooo true (at least, I remember this being true, it's been a while): there really isn't much that's hotter than being fucked relentlessly while hearing "Mine" growled in your ear. 

3.   In other news, I think I need whipped or something...I'm feeling  extremely overwhelmed.  And I'm having some issues...along the trust and communication lines...and I feel very, very self-conscious.  Also dealing with some emotional blackmail and I'm feeling a bit self-destructive, which is super-unhealthy. So. Whipping it is. Takers?

4.  I've decided to lift the ban on discussing my journal entries.

5. Is that blood I just threw up?  That's bad. 

I'm slightly disjointed today, is it noticeable?

Yup, still miss you.

I miss you.

In my mind, pain has tentacles and every time you share a bit of that pain with another person, a tiny tentacle wraps wraps itself around a small piece of that person's heart, binding them to you through your pain.  There is a tiny part of me that wants to push everyone away and relish languidly in my own emotional pain, to allow myself to be overtaken by the blackness, to not share that exquisite agony with anyone.  Pain can be a drug.  One I don't like to share.

But I am learning that it's important to share those dark parts of one's self, to let someone in.  I just seem to have terrible taste in who I trust.  But maybe that's symptomatic--maybe that's part of the game.  Trust the wrong person, hurt even more. 

Not a priority, but a distraction. 

Story of my life.  And honestly, I have no one to blame but myself, I make these choices that put me in these positions.  And yes, part of me gets very, very tired of being the one who is always there for everyone else.  But I am realizing something about myself.  I need to be, well, needed.  I don't know how to not take care of other people.  I *like* to take care of other people, it's intrinsically who I am, a part of my genetic make-up.  But sometimes I wonder, at what expense?  And does anyone ever really appreciate it?

Good thing those questions aren't enough to stop me from following who I am. I will always be that person, whether it's appreciated or not.  And I'm ok with that.

I guess I'm annoyed because I changed my plans to hang out with you and it seemed like you had other ideas for yourself.  Or maybe you had similar ideas but just didn't say anything...if you had wanted me to go home with you after work, then maybe you should have said so.  I'd have come prepared....and not left, obviously.  I often feel like you're trying to talk me out of things, like today when you kept saying we should leave.  If that isn't what you want, then please don't try to convince me, because it sounds as though you don't want to spend time with me, and believe me, I do not want to force you to do something you don't want to do.  That's how resentment (towards me) builds up, and that's the last thing I want to have happen.

And honestly, if I think about it, I'm not annoyed.  I guess, if I'm going to be honest, my feelings are hurt. 

Hmmm.  Sometimes....I just wish I had someone to talk to without feeling like I'm a burden.  I tend to be more of the listening type than the "let me dump all my baggage into you cuz feel like shit" type, but today, well...I just need someone.  Or a very, very nice distraction.

The issue that arises is this (ok, not the initial problem that I want to talk about, but you know what I mean): I find myself able to connect to people online easier than I can someone in person (although in person, if I'm honest, I'd say I'm very charismatic). I don't know precisely what my malfunction is, but I find it easier to communicate on a deep level non-face-to-face than the opposite.  There's something about someone one doesn't know...the objectivity of it...I dunno. I find that the people I meet online are much less judgmental than those I already know and have a preconceived notion of who I am.

Either way. I should just close my laptop and walk away slowly.  I can feel this going....places...that I don't like. Mainly, HonestyLand.  And don't get me wrong, I love that place...I just...may avoid a few rides if you don't mind.

So I was relating a situation to my friend this morning, the exact situation not being pertinent to where this is going and will thus remain unnamed, and she told me that Dominants can sense a submissive very easily, even if they are not displaying any overtly submissive behavior.

This intrigues me.  Is it true?

It's weird how tastes and preferences can change.  One day you wake up and you decide you don't like, I dunno, eggs anymore.  You swear off eggs for a few years, refuse to eat anything *with* eggs in it, you think, "Eggs are disgusting,  they're so mundane, what in the world is everyone thinking?!"  And then, one day, you find yourself wanting eggs again. 

This is how I feel. 

(I *also* feel that I should add that in this instance "eggs" is not a person [for those of you playing along at home]. This is in response to the many, many people who have asked me to whom/about whom I write in my journal.  The answer? Many people [scary place, my brain]. But in this instance..."eggs" stands for something...else...Entirely.)

I should be in bed, but I can't sleep.

I find that this is a great tool in communicating what I'm thinking and feeling, as I think I am not succinct in person (and sometimes I forget people can read this, mostly people who don't know me, and I take comfort in that false sense of anonymity). This journal helps me organize my thoughts a little better, and I have the luxury of coming back and editing, whereas in the Real World one often doesn't get that opportunity. When speaking, I try to be as tactful as possible these days but I find that when something is weighing heavily on me I will just spit it out so it can belong to the world and we can be done with it.

Except this time. So here goes: You expressed concerns about speaking certain things out loud the other day, and I realize I didn't properly respond to you.  What can I say, I was absolutely speechless for once in my life, because I felt like you were reading my mind.  I admire your honesty and how easy it seems for you to express yourself.  I am a huge ball of emotion right now and it's slightly uncomfortable.  And then the other side of me wonders if you were just saying what you thought I wanted to hear, and I don't like that, the doubt. I also don't like the idea of being placated.

I'm not a fan of feeling vulnerable, and I often have no idea what you're thinking.  I know you don't mean to be that way, but sometimes, like when I catch you looking at me...I have absolutely no idea what happens in that mind of yours.

My thank you for everything you did today was genuine, and you looked hurt that I didn't realize you were trying to do something for *all* of us.  Honestly, watching you do all of that today kind of makes me love you. Kind of. Don't get all weird.

Impromptu Chicken and Porn was highly entertaining last night (minus the chicken).  K ended up with all of the good porn in the break-up (I ended up with the rope, so...win-win?), and last night a friend was going through my stack of DVDs.  Now, over the years I have lived with many people, and somehow I have ended up with rather random pornography that I have never watched.

Now I have watched them.

My friend was a little horrified at some of the DVDs and admittedly so was I.  Like, I realize we can't help what turns us on, but we absolutely can help what we do about it.  Some of this shit.  Lactating hermaphrodites? Sure, I get it, but maybe not for me, thanks. ATM? Uh, that's how people die. The point of Chicken and Porn is to watch the most ridiculous porn (re something you'd never want to watch one-on-one with your lover), get slightly uncomfortable, and laugh your asses off.

Mission accomplished :p

Jesus, I am so horny, I'm almost ready to fuck the next person who walks though the front door. *Almost*. 

...all I wanted for my birthday was for everyone to get some.  And everyone did!....except me :p

Feckfeckfeckfeck. Why do you always do this?!

You know what?  It's my birthday.  I'm not going to worry about it today.  So far it's been very nice, and I refuse to let myself ruin it by over-analyzing things.  You came back into my life for a reason, I will just wait and see what that reason is.  From way over here. Arm's length seems too close. 

Hmmm.  It is weird having a phone again.  Am glad to be reachable somewhat but am quickly learning that my time is no longer my own.  I kinda liked being unreachable, having to answer to no one.  Unfortunately, it appears I miswrote a very important phone number...

*sigh* Back to the Real World.

I must say.  Your email affected me.

I guess I assumed you had lost interest long ago, when I quit getting responses to my messages.  I apologize for the lack of communication, I tend to assume things and act accordingly.

I'm wondering about your concerns regarding my "issues with other men".  What can I say, I lost 50 pounds (yes, five more!) and all of a sudden men seem to see me again.  But I do not care, I didn't lose it for them.  These are men who have known me for years, who only see me as the tits and ass that my body now is.  They don't see the real me, aren't remotely interested in who I am on the inside, and I know this.  So yes, while they may make their clumsy passes at me (when I can actually tell, because we all know I'm a little obtuse when it comes down to knowing whether or not I'm being hit on), I will never, ever accept.  I want a man who wants *me*.  Not just my body.  As slamming as it is these days LOL

I do miss talking to you.  In some ways you know me a lot better than I know myself, and yes, honestly, that's slightly terrifying.  That means you see the bad, too, and we both know I'm not a fan of letting the dark side show.  But transversely I am hoping that you see the good, too. 

Dood. Poor form.

Maybe don't hit on your wife's friend while said wife is standing two feet away with your two small children.  This is how people get cut.  I'm not worried for me, she knows me too well for that.  It's your children growing up without a dad I'm concerned about.

Cuz your wife?  She don't fuck around.  And I'm pretty sure she knows how to hide a body.  Just a guess, though.

Love and Other Indoor Sports,

M.

Oh my gawd, it's in a dress.

So there's this wedding I get to attend today (not officiating, yay!)  All of a sudden I feel very, very sick, and I'm hoping it dissipates before we get to the courthouse...because no one wants to watch the bridesmaid horf.

In other news, I'm leaving the panties at home :p

...I don't know what I was expecting you to say, but I did not see that coming.

Ok, I'm taking the fact that collarme refused to save my entry a few minutes ago that perhaps I shouldn't post it.  Angry, angry, mashee-smashee.  I deleted the earlier post myself because, well, it didn't reflect so kindly on you and that's not the kind of person I want to be.

I'm feeling vulnerable.

And I do not fucking like it.

I told you last night when you asked that I "potentially" knew what you were alluding to.  I lied.  I don't know why, and I won't do it again.  All of a sudden it  just seemed easier to just say I knew what you meant than ask for clarification....and I'm not sure I wanted to know.  You seemed uncomfortable, which in turn made me uncomfortable for you...so maybe I was giving you an out from the conversation.  The last thing I want is for you to be discomposed around me.

I *do* know that when you asked if me if I was thinking with my heart, it stopped beating for a minute. 

I haven't heard from my friend in a few days, I hope she had a safe weekend...I find myself thinking about her a lot.  I find her fascinating.  Our lives are very different, and I admire her courage and tenacity.  I sent her a message the other day and her Master answered, and I guess the vanilla girl in me feels like I should tell her, which I will if she ever answers me, even though the conversation was harmless.  But I'm guessing she already knows, He seems the type to tell her.

In other news, my rib is jacked.  Roommates and The Boy are trying to convince me to go to the doctor, but seriously, if it *is* broken, all they'll do it charge me an arm, leg, and my firstborn for some x-rays and wrap me with an Ace bandage....which I can do myself, thank you.  Singing last night at karaoke was really, really difficult, and maaaaaaybe I drank a little more than I meant to trying to drown the pain of, well, breathing.

And third.  My birthday is quickly approaching.  I always get weird on my birthday, I feel like it's...I dunno, *wrong* to be the center of so much attention.  And gifts, oh jeebus, I hope nobody gets me anything.  I know, I know, it sounds weird, but I feel strange about getting gifts.  It makes me uncomfortable and I feel guilty.  GIVING gifts, now, I love.  Can one give presents to their friends on their birthday?  I think that makes more sense, "Thanks for putting up with me for yet another year, sorry if my Crazy was showing for a few months." LOL

I made people promise not to sing :p

In other news, The Boy is pretty fucking awesome. 

I wish I could explain everything for you, when and how my feelings changed, what it is I loved about you in the first place, how much you meant to me...but there's no sense in drudging up the past, what's done is done.

I really did think we'd be together forever, and I think somewhere under your bitterness you know that. Forever is not a word I take lightly, and neither is love.  I've never known someone as well as I know you, and transversely you know me better than anyone.  I feel like part of me is slowly dying, knowing that I hurt you. 

You questioned my integrity, which stung.  But again, I know you, and you say things that you don't mean when you are hurting.  That was always a bit of a problem.  Some words, once spoken, can't be taken back. 

Emotions are irrational.  I completely understand what you're feeling and I believe you are justified. I wish that this could have ended differently...minus the pain and the screaming and crying.  Part of me will always love you.  I just cannot be with you.  It's self-preservation. And sometimes it fucking kills me. 

But the rest of my heart, the majority of my heart belongs to someone else.  And it feels like that's where it should be.

...in ways I feel much better, though.

...Damn, I feel like an asshole.

I didn't know he still wanted to be with me.  I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest about where my life is at right now and what (who?) I'm doing.  We always said we would be honest, and better coming from me than someone, ANYone else...

I had no idea it would break his heart.  I had no idea just how bad it would get.  I absolutely understand where he is coming from, and I'd like to say he is absolutely justified in those feelings...perhaps he is.  My friend tells me that he gave up his claim on me the first time he laid his hands on me in anger.  

The jury is still out on that.

I do know, however, that at least the air is cleared and I have nothing to hide.  But damn.  I feel like an asshole.

See, this is why it's happening.  You are absolutely wonderful.

Dear Body,

You betray me. Please tell the tenants Shakes, Dizziness and her bitch Falling Over, Nausea, and Stabbing Pain to vacate the premises immediately or be destroyed.

That is all.
The Management

I should have taken the opportunity to say it last night when you asked me.  You were right, it was the time to tell you, right before we caused that storm.  But, like a coward (which is out of character for me), I didn't.  

Although...in retrospect, when I asked you what you thought I was going to say, you changed the subject, so maybe you're uncomfortable. I'm done analyzing it.  You do or you don't, I do or I don't, and it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

‎"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -- Steve Jobs

I've decided to quit fighting it.  I'm not a fighter by nature, anyway.  Never been a fan of denying one's feelings, even my own, so I am admittedly a little weirded out by the fact that I was so...unsettled....by my emotions.  I am aware that emotions cannot be helped, the only thing one can control is how they act upon them.  So fine.  I acknowledge it.

But that is IT.  I refuse to talk about it.

...all of a sudden the anguish is curling at the base of my spine, creeping up, caressing my bones and seeping into every single molecule.

Hello, familiar friend, I thought I was rid of you. I see I was mistaken.  How long will you be staying this time?

...first instinct, build walls.  Quickly.

However we know this isn't healthy....don't we??

So. Damn. Bored.

Made too much coffee, as I forgot my roommates belonged to the world last night and I had the house to myself (hooray, loving having that happen.  Five years of not having a house to mahself is way too long.)

Unfortunately it left me time to examine the emotional messiness that is living in my chesticle area.  Big fucking sigh.  Too soon.

Riddle me this:  How can one be "half in-love"?

What does that even mean?

I really need to quit fucking around. 

One should say what they mean and mean what they say, and I have found that lately that is much easier said than done.  I remember when I used to just say whatever I felt, whenever it came up.  I kinda miss that....people didn't necessarily *like* me but they absolutely respected me.  I need to reacquaint myself with that side. 

And then there's the emotional messiness that is happening in my chest. I realize it would be healthier if I just acknowledge what the shit is happening, but part of me is really, really resistant.  Apparently I enjoy deluding myself.

In other news, This One was tied up the other night.  I won't lie, I was apprehensive as hell.  I have lost 45 pounds this year so things are...not as taut as I'd like, I guess. The part that freaked me out the most was that he wanted to leave a light on so he could see what he was doing.  All in all it was a really good experience but absolutely left me horny.as.fuck.

So I'm contemplating another self-imposed exile. 

....Well THAT was an interesting night.  I guess one should be careful of what one wishes for lest it happen...

This one needs to be careful, though.  She falls fast, and she falls hard.  You're not helping by being so damn awesome. 

...I just need to be tied up.  Or down.

Either way, this one needs laid.  Well.

First night alone in the new place.  I had an offer to go stay somewhere else, but seeing as how this tree was superdrunk last night and more than likely made a complete ass of herself, I declined. I jacked my shoulder again, so movement has been slow and awkward.  Oh, and the horniness hasn't subsided.  Today's journal has been brought to you by the letters Q, X, and the number fuckmylife.

Break-ups are always tough, even when mutually agreed upon, but I am finding the most difficult part to be that I am suddenly severely horny and have no outlet.  I suppose I could go in and have my way with him, but I don't think that would be productive or healthy for either of us.  I'm not usually a fan of no-strings sex, but I am starting to see the appeal...

"You have tried your best to please everyone but it just isn't happening. No, it just isn't happening. Cause this is fucked up, fucked up! You cannot kickstart a dead horse, You just crush yourself and walk away I don't care what the future holds cause I'm writin' out today with your fingers you can touch me cause this is fucked up....."

                                                                                                                       --Thom Yorke

Wow.  It's really, truly over. (Not that it wasn't before, it just seems to have dissipated entirely. Finally.)

I'm glad we finally cleared all the tension because I've missed my best friend.  It's nice to be able to sit here and talk like we used to.  And it feels right, just being friends. I think you would agree with me.  There's no extraneous weirdness clouding the air, there's no hostility or suspicions. 

Jeebus, where did *you* come from? Out of the ether, apparently, to blindside me with your intensity.  Brilliant, I kinda dig that.  For years I'd watch your hands while you're working and wonder things.  You were definitely...unanticipated.  I'm not sure this would be a good thing, though. Yes, we are kind of the same person.  Yes, there's definitely chemistry.  But there are choices you make that would not be good choices for me.  I don't want to change you, ever. However there are absolutely things I need to change about me. I want to move forward....not sideways.

I'm wondering what it is that I'm asking for that's too much for you to handle.  I wasn't aware that wanting you to see me, to WANT me was such a crime.  I don't know why we're still doing this to each other.  You've moved on, I've moved on...so can't we just end it entirely already? Two hearts breaking evenly and clean?

Odd.  Went out for a drink with a friend the other night.  Then randomly yesterday we were talking about dating and how it's gone the wayside.  I told him I'd never been on a date with someone I wasn't already involved with.  He was a bit offended and said, "Wasn't last night a date?"

...was it? I didn't get that memo...

In retrospect, it was a very nice date, more fun than most I've been on. 

I find that I function better with structure and discipline.  These can prove difficult for me, however, as the only structure or discipline I've ever received was self-imposed and inconsistent.  I lose interest quickly.  Thanks, ADHD.

My first two terms back in college were phenomenal. I received an award for perfect attendance both terms, pulled off a nice 4.0, and felt kinda good about myself because in spite of my intelligence I have always been a very poor student, academically speaking.  And then came the dreaded accounting.  Instead of pushing myself, I gave up.  Such a waste.  So today I am putting myself back on track.  Thankfully, school is offering online accounting tutors this term.  Apparently I'm not the only one who sucks.

Also must get on track with moving and cleaning this shithole apartment.  I really wanted to make some culinary awesomeness today, but the kitchen is THRASHED.  I refuse to clean it.  If he won't let me cook, I won't clean the kitchen for him. (And really, this girl can fucking cook.)  Maybe that's the fundamental problem with the relationship we had: he wasn't willing to be dominant in ANY aspect, and I wasn't willing to submit.  Maybe that's the trouble with unconditional love, that one already loves the other person for who they are and wouldn't change them for the world...even when they need it.

I was told today that I am half-beautiful. 

I kinda get it, the way everything I do is done both superwell and poorly, clumsily.  

I'm too free.

I have become way more emotionally attached than I intended or thought possible. I envy your cool reserve, your ability to keep yourself in check. I need to work on that, put myself back in check, bring myself back down to earth. The stratosphere is lonely.

It was nice to see you the other night, it had been about six years too long. I am flattered you still think of me. I still think of you, too. I loved you, you know. I was never brave enough to tell you, but maybe you knew, I showed you in a thousand different ways, in every way I could. Unfortunately, I am no one's consolation prize. If we were meant to be, we'd still be together. I'm so happy for the life you have now. It suits you. You wear maturity and contentment well.

What a night.

1. Adam: "Get me her number. I want her." 

Me: "Unrequited love's a bore....and I've got it pretty bad." 

Adam: "Really?" 

Me: "...no, it's a song."  Idiot. Mamas and the Papas, much?

 2.KK: "I see you're home, can I come over?"

Me: "I suppose...what do you want?" 

20 minutes later: (need I mention that it's nine minutes to two...in the morning?  Yes, children, they do still make a 2 am)

KK: "Never mind, I'll take a raincheck.  But I want to hang out soon."

3. P: "What did that fb status even mean?"

Me: "...what part confused you? I thought the question was pretty straightforward..."

4. some creepy guy: "What's wrong with Oregon girls?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

SCG: "You're all sluts. But when I just wanna dance and go mudding and I have money, none of you bitches seem to like that."

Me: "First of all, let me start with how many wrong things you just said to me..."

5. Like the song says, I wish you were here.  

.....talk about awkward tension in *my* house tonight....must be in the water. My friend A. came over right in the midst of the conversation to tell me his heart has just been broken. K. looks at me like he knows exactly what A. is talking about. I feel for him, but not enough to change my mind.

No rest for the wicked, and the righteous need none. I was laying in bed this morning thinking about you, hands wandering. I've decided.

Today's soundtrack has been extremely random.  

I found myself thinking about you quite a bit today.  I didn't get the chance to talk to you, and although it isn't a given that we speak every day, I have come to look forward to it.  I feel like I irritated you the other day, and I'm sorry for that.  Maybe I didn't understand what you were saying, but I thought I was getting the message loud and clear. I'm not looking for you to be my out, the out is coming either way. I'm not a damsel in distress, I will rescue myself.  

That being said, I want you. I want you to hurt me (in case that wasn't already abundantly clear.) I want you to hurt me out of affection, I want you to hurt me because you need it, and I want you to hurt me because I need it, too.  

Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

So about this belt of yours...

Is there anything sexier than a man taking you as he pleases while growling, "Mine," in your ear? 

...I think not.

It's so true: worrying really *is* as effective as chewing bubble gum to solve an algebra equation.

Hmmm. So many things happening. Sad I can't talk to you, I feel like it's been too long and yet not long enough. You have your life, which is beautiful in it's way, and I have mine, and the distance between the two grows larger with every week that passes. I'm so, so happy for you, but it breaks my heart that we are missing out on each others' lives. I miss you, my friend. Oh, don't be mistaken, I am still angry and hurt and feel that this ONE TIME I am owed an apology, but we used to talk about our issues. I love you, girl. But you fucking piss me off.

I want to feel your hands on me,

touching me in a thousand different ways...

using me, 

awakening me...

bringing me pleasure and pain at your whim...

oh, the things I need you do to me.

Holy Hell. Be still, my beating heart and wet pussy.

When I submit to you, it will be with everything I have: body, mind, soul, and heart. One does not come without the others. I get the feeling you like that.

1.  Trepidation curls up my spine. I'm not the first, the last, or the only. One of many is a hard pill to swallow. But I will.  I may not be first, last, or only, but damn it, I will be the best.

2.  "Middle of the road. Unoriginal.  Not the best, not the worst, just average."  Ouch, is there much worse than mediocrity?  (Obviously, but I'd like to think I'm none of those other things.)

"Nothing surprises me about you."  No, one would have to first listen to be surprised. But then comes, "I don't know anything about you anymore."  Are both truths true?  I'd like to think that if one in fact does have heart, eyes, soul, and ears, one would have noticed the exquisite array of emotions I've displayed.  

Burn with loveliness

precious creature

and let the storm delight.

Down, girl.

You know how sometimes a painting's eyes seem to follow you?  

...That's how I feel about your cock in those pants.

Me: "What do you do for a living?"

Other Person: "I'm a male escort. And I sell solar panels."

Me: "....Uh...So, is there good money in...solar panels?"

Because really, what else does one say to that?

Curiosity effectively piqued. Well played. 

 ... my panties are a little wet, too.

Sometimes I am torn by my desires, one minute I want love and respect and forever and the next minute I just want passion and right-now-fuck-tomorrow and my eyeballs rolling back into my head while I'm being pounded up against the wall. ...Are the two extremes mutually exclusive, I wonder?

I wasn't sure how to bring up the subject.   I admit, I was really worried he would look at me and think, "Wow, she's kind of a freak." I had told him the purple spots on my breast were from falling, which is believable because I do, often: I tend to be slightly clumsy on my feet, which is a shame.  I wish I had grace.  But I digress.

I remember taking a very deep breath and just letting the words fly out of my mouth. I couldn't look at him.  How would he take it?  Would he feel betrayed that I waited 5 years to say anything?  Would he like it?  Would he decide he couldn't handle it and leave?

...I now have matching purple marks on my other breast.  And I think the ones he left are better than mine.