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It is SO SAD to think that someone else can be SO duped by a person and there is NOTHING I can do but sit back and watch the events unroll. Best of luck to the new con-job. She, her kid, her stuff,a nd her credit are seriously gonna need it! |
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Has it really been that long? I have been so crazy-busy and the private life has been rather full...
I prefer socializing but don't really look for anything more intimate- we just arent looking for that. I prefer a sub girl or sissy but not really just casual play. Something more substantial and meaningful is really important.
A girly pet would rock! |
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No news is good newz! I have been SO busy since last posting here... and the fun never ends.
I would love to connect with local like-minded friends and build up my admirers too! Where all the Newbie REAL folks at?
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So I have been on this site for years- a long part of it while I was with someone who was NOT what he presented himself as being...
anyway, I stay here cos Ive been here soo long but I have done the mas exodus to the other really cool and better BDSM community page like many other true lifestylers...
but now it seems all I hear are crickets and see poser wanna be faux "Dommes" who are really just little girls getting off on bullying and financially taking advantage of men.
WTF?
OR- there are lurkers who are just looking for free sex.
Ew.
This site has seriously gone down hill...
Kinda sad. There are still some REAL people out there and so I hold on to some hope and stick around...
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I have been having such a great and amazing summer...seriously, some of you are truly dear and amazing...
That said, it is kinda sorta a shame that a lot of folks get so shy they cant continue convos or coming out to activities and event.
I PROMISE you it just gets better from here... us good folks gotta stick together!
In addition to making and maintaining friends that are lifestyle friendly and also kinky- I am looking to find a sub personal assistant for administrative and kink-friendly services. I REALLY need to have a slave of my own. I need another set of hands, another creative spirit, and a special Pet to call my own...
It can be a mentorship for someone who wants to have real submissive/slave training - and that is MORE than just being a spank toy or object.
Submission/slavery is 98% mental -and the process is best facilitated with someone who has been there...and appreciates what slavery is...
Hit me up and lets talk!
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So there is the real life socializing and meeting folks and then there is the online poser-cyber wanna be Tops who seem kina bully-like.
My profile seems fairly clear- looking for like minded friends... and IF there is a opportunity for something real-then a possibility of exploration... but one-liner emails asking for personal info, nekkid pics, forced orders-- I mean, c'mon! Fer real-real? WHY would anyone think that being a dick right outta the gate is going to get ANY positive response.
Polite is ALWAYS the way to go and (as always) patience is a vurtue.. PAH-leez! |
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Had a great time at the group picnic yesterday. SO nice to have like-minded friends...
It has been a long slow trip back to normalcy (that word looks wrong!) but so worth it. When you are in a sick and unhealthy relationship, it is such a slow process that once its over- "normal" and healthy" are sooo unnatural.
But it is all good in the hood now.
With the Summer, there is just SO much to do and there are so many folks to do stuff with- Im psyched to get to doin'.
YAY!! |
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Summer is on its way and it looks like there is a number of activities and events startig to stack up- play, vanilla, and others!
WhoHOO!
I am so glad to have given this site another chance, especially since there seems to be a number of nice folks who are interested in just being friends- friends within the lifestyle who arent rushing into random play partners or cheating on some other S.O. |
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So this may sound kinda rude- and who am I to judge anyone..BUT: if you are going to share pics of fetish undergarments, posing, etc- PLEASE do some personal grooming and take your pictures in a place where the background doesnt call more attention that what you are taking pictures of.
Specifically, shave/wax if you are showing off your G-string or banana hammock, wipe the deodorent residue from your armpits if you are showing off your ta-tas (Im still ill from that), fold up the baby playpen/ move away from the full litter box if you are bent over showing off buttplug action, shave/wax crazy body hair!
I see a number of profiles and I also get alot of pics sent since people get off on showing themselves off- and I dig that. Its flattering- to a point. But basic photo compisistion is key...esp in making a good impression.
Just a friendly suggestion.... :P
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It is SO nice when a social night turns amazing. It really IS all about the company one keeps!
Earlier this month a number of us met up for drinks and socialzing- and the HVDs munch was later in the weekend.
All in all- a most excellent weekend.
Props to all those who came out to events and kisses to those with who I rubbed elbows (and other things) with! |
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SO things are starting to look up a bit. It is great to really feel like there are nice people out there- and are interested in being friends for friends sake.
It's also great that people are seeking out social activities locally...now if we could find a place to set up for demos and private meetings.
The outings are really coming along. Its nice that there are so many good locations within the Hudson Valley where people can meet to talk kinky dirty stuff. bwahaha...
Im still not in a place to get to personal- but that would prolly change as I find someone who clicks with me. It has to be an internal click. The social butterfly in me can work any crowd- but the submissive kitty doesnt connect with many at all...
So that said, its good for me to start waking from my hibernation- and healing process.
Catch ya! |
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SO getting back out there, slow and steady, so far seems like a good thing. Turns out that many people are actually polite, friendly, not-self serving, and social.
How refreshing! Its awesome to find that there are people who are lifestylers and not carrying around drama, mental illness, agendas, or are BSartists.
Rock On! There is soo much to do and so much to learn- its great to make friends and live again! |
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Feeling good about getting back out there again- and Spring is the BESTEST time to creep out into the world again. There is SO much going on and so many interesting and inspiring folks that Id like to rub elbows with. At least they appear such...and it is refreshing to be able to talk to folks who have real brains and experiences and respect. I didnt realize how starved I have been for intelligence and creativity... |
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Well the slow going process of getting back into "things" is...well...slow going. I still have sporatic drama with the Ex- that is more the fact he is so abscent with mutual responsibilities than anything having to do with me.
Amazing really, my entire being had been so wrapped up in my Daddy and now that he is less-than-human and an established liar/cpn-artist...it is a wonder I ever had any feelings for him. Amazing what three years makes.
Anyway, though I still serve as a contact for locals interested on "coming out" or networking with "like-minded" Kinksters, my own BDSM journey has really gone nowhere.
I am so leary at this point to open up at all..and dread random acts of play with no emotional tie or meaning. It seem sso hollow and synthetic to play without emotional effort and some sort of personality link. I am not alone in this sentiment either-since so many are out there, like I am, looking for their place in this world, their DOm/me to kneel to, their home.
And the longing I share with these folks. It is so organic and heart-felt.
On the flip side...not so much the real-deal here, is there? At this point there really seems so minimal real interaction. FL is a much better site when it comes to forums and reading real reactions and responses from real people. Here it is just Pro's n weekendwarriors bragging about their latest expense of a vac-bed or other costly devise..whatevah... |
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Well...I just dont feel it. Really still have no inkling to try and find a new Daddy or kneel to a Dom in any other way than passing play- and I cannot do that either.
I just seem to have lost the certian ...well I guess I've lost my "mojo" and though I WANT to -the spirit is so willing and all...the heart is just dead to the world... dead, I tell ya!
Whats a potential slave to do? |
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So it's been another long span of time since jotting down here- Im not really impressed with the experience here- and I also have a lot of personal pain here since I documented the last relationship and reading it makes me feel like a MORON for being lied to and played for SO LONG!!
Anyway, I am open to finding a new Dominant man to connect with- and if submission seems the direction...I am so open to that.
However, I am leary of doing that for fear of getting used again. I am open to a Pet of my own, a Dyke or Sissy to call my OWN domestic pet would be sweet. SWEET! Id luv to fuss over a Pet and be serviced.
Its ruff looking for a Special Someone- everyone seems so rushed to settle into a situation that really requires trust and compassion and understanding. Isn't it worth the wait? |
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It has been a bit as I heal up from the recennt events. I am still open to meeting people but it seems that I am still working up to really getting back in to any lifestyle oriented situations.
My hope is that I eventually will find the really REAL Daddy Dom I am supposed to be with. However, I doubt its gonna be in a place like CM. Ugg..what a poser site. Blah...
But I am still interested in at least making friends with like-minded folks. It is easier to actually nicer to have folks who are of like minds. Are you out there? |
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SO my life totally changed since the last posting... the person I have spend all of my journal journaling about turned out to be a compulsive liar and con-artist..in addition to having very little RT experience or desire to do right by a committed relationship...child...etc..
But that is water under the bridge and delt with kicking out and with custody and child support and yada yada..
The two burning issues that I still have are:
1) How does one warn others within the local BDSM community the extent of this BS con-artist and how he takes advantage of women?
and
2) He stole fetishware and gear-- short of taking him to small claims court, what do I do? I mean, do I start asking others within the local community if he is dressing up his girl-de jour in my fetishware? And GROSS if he is.. but I spent HUNDREDS on that stuff and want it back?
Why does the SOB keep hurting me? When asked, all I get is "go fuck yourself."
A LOSER and a thief as well...
Whatever is a girl to do to heal over this 5 years of lies and pain? |
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So its been another lag in posting here.. I have been in a rather down mood as of late- since Ive decided to try and open myself up a bit it appears I lack the opportunity or availability to do so. Moreover Im preoccupied with dealing with stuff before moving on... and that seems to not work out so well either...
Daddy, Daddy, where ARE you??
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I am so bored and restless... kinda unfair. I would so much rather not think about anything and go about my merry way... but IM constantly reminded what I DONT have and what I SHOULD be...
internal struggle...
Maybe Im getting too much good advice...
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Arent you all the sweetest things EVER?! I'm so FLATTERED to have so many friendly admirers! Its so nice to be getting some friendly, warm, caring, and real folks here-
there IS hope yet!
who-HOO!
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HOly CRAP! Now Im 37.. I cant believe Ive been on this site for over four years...
Is that a good thing?
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So even though i dont give this site much credit, I am still posted here. Perhaps there ARE folks here worth rubbing elbows with.
A couple friends have strongly suggested I try and get "back out there" again- what due to all the pain and hurt Ive been delt lately (well the past 2 years anywho)...
The trouble is- I dont know if I really feel like it. Ive been so hurt - and I still cant get a handle on dealing with it and ending the drama...
Besides, here Ive only come across a few nice people- or peeps I already knew... why is this such a poser meat-market?
Oh thats right- cos for some- thats all they need to get off...
riiiiight....
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I see you! You check me out- and scroll through my journals-- yet you never quite get the curage to drop me a note? Why is that?
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Bla bla bla... this site really seems to suck ass... perhaps its the formatting... I dunno. I post and get a couple responses from real lifestylers... possible compatibilities... potential local friends... but most of this is just form emails from people who dont read about me and are looking for a free sex partner.
I am so much more than that. Yuck-O!
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I am always looking to make new and local friends- but PLEASE know that I prefer to socialize with those who are lifestylers rather than weekend warriors or just looking for kinky play.
My own journey is now leading me to strive to find a Daddy Dom with whom I can have a real D/s relationship- not just some kinky foreplay.
I hope that you undersand and respect that.
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IWhy would you send me an email asking me to submit to you? Why bother wasting each others' time? You read my page- see what I am about- and yet send me your crappy, mis-spelled form email anyway...
shame on you.
I am crystal clear as to the reason I am here-and if you can operate the keys to get a membership here you have the ability to read. So why the HECK persue me- repeatedly- if Im not looking for anythimg more that friends?
Shame on you again.
Do you have some secreat dark fantasy to become a sissy and submit to an Alpha sub? I would dress you in lovely lace and garters and heels and shiny red lipstick and you can crawl my house dusting out the corners with a duster between your ruby lips?. Is that your secret fantasy? I can so hook you up if it is.
But I dont want your wimpy form email asking ME to SEND you a response/picture/email/IM.
I have been polite.
Now I will no longer.
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It would be so nice to just let my hair down and find me a female plaything. Is she out there? Another chick who I can whiddle away an afternoon with?
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Well Spring has sprung and we are still chug-chug-chugging along. It has been a long year since this time last year. There have been many more downs than ups too. Kinda dissappointing, really.
Oh well.
I am still on the look out for a cute young butch dyke/boi for entertainment and/or to possibly join our family. I would really love to fuss and adore a Pet of my own. Or a Domestic, or such. It is a long process to find the right fit. But I am hopeful.
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So I FINALLY get to adding a new pic to the profile and its all blurry... How frustrating is that? Stoopit technology...
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It really looks like there is a chance for Spring to get here... true this weekendwas an awful rainy icy mess and some parts of NY were under a foot of snow... but Spring really is just around the corner. I hope that it presents more opportunities for me. SO far it seems to be going just swell- I wish that we so for other people close to me.
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Never doubt that you wont get what's coming to you- good/bad/whatever. Its amazing how I am reminded of that- and how I watch others get whats coming to them. Like that line in that movie-"nature finds a way..."
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Kinda bummed at the moment as my life changes yet again. There is so much more I want to dump into this to get it off my shoulders but it would be useless to do so.
It's just tough sometimes, cos its like there is this dark secret- and becasue of this one secret, it isdifficult to tell anyone anything else about me.
I came to this site to find people who just "get it" about the lifestyle (should I have used a capital "L" there?) and then accepted me for what I am-- including the deep dark secret part.
But seriously, more and more of these sites are peopled with folks just looking for a play and/or poke that the community part is lost.
oh well...
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Always good to exchange emails and chat with local folks- and nice to know many of us get similar news...
Thanks for those of you who stop by my profile to chat...interestinger to see who stops by and doesnt...
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Happy New Year!
So the whole reason I am still on this site is cos I want to find other like-minded folks who get it. I mean, like, "get it" when it comes to what it means to be Dominant and what it means to be submissive. Someone who can LIVE it inside and out- you KNOW yourself and you know your shortcomings, you know your good-bad-and ugly. You can talk yourself up and you can work on your less-than-perfects.
KNOWING yourself and what it means to be a "Top" or "bottom" and you are cool with others who are wired the same way. It doesnt mean ANYTHING more than having folks who you can have in your inner circle who you can let your hair down with, joke with, cry with, socialize with who DOESNT freak out by bruises or calling someone else "Master" or "pet."
Peoples, I KNOW you are out there. So THANKS for reading this and UNDERSTAND Im not looking to play or hook up or get nekkid for you-- just for friends who "get it" and can love me all the more!
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You all never cease to amaze me.
I really have to thank yous all for being so kind. Seriously, I am totally re-thinking collarme.com and am glad that the nicer bunch are responding.
There's more here than getting your rocks off- and I totally appriciate the quality of folks here.
kisses- monsta kisses! |
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Wow- I hafta say that I finally did that thingy where you list off interests and stuff and got a BUNCHA new contacts. Amazing... I guess it pays to "slice the fat" off of a previously bulky intro. Just be clear- looking for kinky friends only...
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So you are part of a BDSM community and start up an online chat with a potential play partner.. somehow, it just seems "so right..."
All the interests/needs/requests/discretions are there- or ARE they?
How do you really know that the person you are planning on meeting and playing with is for real and legit? What kind of guidelines do you have?
Seriously, how do you know this person isn't really abusive, or disease positive, or married/committed in a CLOSED relationship, or looking to rob/molest/kidnap...etc?
How often do you REALLY check with your other community members/ lifestyle friends to ask about someone you are meeting before hooking up- say to play/scene in a hotel 1 on 1?
What are your HARD guidelines and precautions? What sort of timeline do you follow? What would you recommend to someone else in the BDSM community who asks how you really know?
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<sigh>
Why bother?
No one reads this stuff anyway...
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Close to my B-day and it would be so mice to get a Sister! It really would be so nice to have another added to the family...sooner rather than later but I guess we can be patient. Maybe I'll get one for Xmas..? |
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I LIKE BOIS!!
Oh yes I do! I think there is something about a BUTCH Dyke- who does it right...
DOnt get me wrong- I luv the ladies too... man do I.
-But a boi of my own... sigh... |
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Lazy summer.... quiet... hot... sticky... Think I wanna find me a summertime girlfriend crush to distract me...
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What a crappy 4th of July... rain rain and more rain...
so I have this online buddy of mine- someone who is a near and dear sugah-daddie-dom-type and he is like the total oppisite of having one of them lil angels on my shoulder-- I should get him a set of horns and pitchfork for all his corrupting of me... re-currupting... rekindling my curruption... oh whatever... |
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...and there are times when I wonder why it is I keep posting here... there seems to be such a variety of poeple here... and my own needs flex and change so often. WIll there ever be a chance?
Why is it so hard to believe that I seek like-minded friends who are kinky and freaky-- but dont necessarily hafta be so with me or us? My world is my own private place but occasionally its great to let the ol' hair down and be with people who "get it"- more than frikkin chatroom shyt or pics on some community site. People who just "know" it on the inside. I KNOW you are out there- cos some of you I already hold near and dear- others Im waiting to meet and bring you into the fold...
You others who dont know how to rad profiles or fail to have the most basic understanding of respect or politeness can go TOSS.. you do get under my skin-- but in a bad way like poinson ivy.. you are YUCKY!
Drop me an email if you are looking for true friends who know and understand what a submissive or Dominant life means and is-- OR if you are service-oriented OR a submissive looking for a Family situation. OR if you see me on here and just wanna shoot the breeze- I'm game for that too...
just dont play or BS-- I dont have time for that shit- and stuff any cock pictures you may feel like sending into your own pee-hole! |
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So many here speak of being "honest" and "real" and "true"... what a crock of CRAP that is! Even those that are the closest to me appear to be BS-artists.
I guess I shouldn't be suprised- if you cant be honest the first time... or the SECOND try- whyever should I think that HONESTY will ever stick?
I wonder just how may fake posers are here. How many who post here of looking for the "one true" only to have given the same line over and over again to trusting souls who's only fault is that they are honest and true.
I wish I could warn the others somehow. Wish they would know the RIGHT questions to ask or WHERE to get the CORRECT truth.
Cos it certianly WON'T be found posted on some trivial profile that the awesome and honest person here is actually a player, a fake, and in serious need of real help.
And the WORST part of all this is that it must happen over and over and over again. |
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Ah... Spring is in the air and it's all got that warm fuzzy feeling.. afte the allergy thingy goes away.
Aint it great? To have new beginnings and freshness and ..dare I say it- optimissm?
(Doubt I spelled that right...)
Im feeling good at the moment. It shallnt last long but for this one single moment the air is warm, the house is calm, and I feel good in my own skin.
Wish I could pass the feeling on to you... |
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SO it's been a alittle while and we have moved into a new house. FINALLY! It's great to have a place to put roots and call home! None of that renting crap-i-o-lah! who-hoo!
Our own relationship is morphing and changing. It seems rather premature to be actively looking for Another while we are so flustered and blustered.
For me, I want it to be a "happily ever after" and wil do ALOT to make it so. It just as to be worth it- they have to be worth the work.
I hope we find what we need. |
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What trully does the term "wannabe" mean? It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth- to hear that word. Its a twisted form of role play- and NOT in a nice way. It is a poser- sad charades- a poser. A liar with their entire self who offends what the core of me is and what means so much to me-- my most intimate- my most personal and private self.
A "wannabe" is not comfortable in their own skin- cannot speak the words of what they want- or perhaps feel that what they are isnt enough, isnt attractive, isnt special- so they pervert what I hold most dear by play-acting- a character of what they THINK I want to see, or feel, or need, or long for.
I try to take such falsehood as a weird form of flattery. Here is some wretch who so wants to impress me that they will adopt what they THINK I need- so that I will submit and sigh, and worship them as the Dominant One that I most treasure- my All and One. Instead it is a hurtful mockary of what can be most special and intense. Submission of all of me and all that that encompasses. I have so much to offer, such submission, such absolute trust and dedication. That is my super hero power, that is my home, that is my sex, that is my treasure, that is my gift.
Why, oh why EVER, would I waste such a gift of ME on a wannabe? Cos without the gift of Absolute ME- you can never be...You. |
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I still have hope that one day we'll find the person we are looking for. If nothing else, I can honestly say I have been lurking on this site long enough to get genuine and heartfelt responses to me. Sure there is the occasional pervert-wannabe- loser who has to make some comment that shows they OBVIOULSY dont read profiles but whack to pics- and that is par for the course-- but to all the rest of you- you real, honest, non-fake people- hugs, spanks, and kisses to you for who you are and maintaining my faith on humanity. You ROCK! |
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It is so frikkiin dissappointing the slim pickings of real people here- or people who want to step outside of their little world and push the boundries-- the stuff that pushed them into joining a site like this in the first place. Indeed, I find it downright disheartening...
Isnt there any girl or dyke-boi out there who needs to be needed? |
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So it was nice to see that the Big Guy is also putting the "word out" that we are looking for a service-oriented she-male or boi-dyke fo our family. I really appriciate the fact that he supports me in this and looks forward to the addition. |
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Twas the Night B4 XXX-Mas and all thru the house... only I seem to be stiring, well- me and my mouse... |
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ALL I want for X-mas is a BOI of my own. A lovely lil BOI like my freind A's DANNI! What the perfect addition to ANY family! he is the best!
Where do I find such a beast? Do I go to BOIS-R-Us? |
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Always looking like-minded locals.. but I am now interested in finding a pet or second for myself. Would totally find a fem-sub, boi, or possibly a tranny: a wonderful-- someone who I could fuss over and use! Service oriented prefered- What a perfect XXX-mas gift for m'self! |
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OK-
I have to just admit it. I am awful at maintaining this thingy... just drop a line-- I'll get back to ya... |
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Another gap. Still interested in meeting up with locals within the lifestyle for friends and more! Would love to find a 2nd or "close" friend for the potential for more.
I like to be able to socialize- esp. since my time is so limited and I rarely get to let my hair down lately.
If you are interested in chatting or socializing, please drop me a note.
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Once again there is a HUGE gap in me keeping up on this thing. Oops- Just wanted to make sure if you are a local reading this and are looking for socializing and such- drop me a message. I am always looking for like-minded friends within the community. Also have no probs in connecting you with others... |
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Again-
Guilty of another lag in journaling...
My Bad-
I get caught up in stuff and only briefly stop by this site to check email... not that i get much- and most of it is kinda lame-o. Some emails I get are from real genuine people- but we never really get to connect- and most are just HNG's looking for a bit of cyber sompin-sompin.. and I just don't play that crap at all!
I am just looking for like-minded folks who "get it". I am also always interested in getting people local to me involved with the local BDSM community here. NY state has a # of communities throughout and it's always nice to get people connected. It's better than sifting thru profiles of people who may or may not be for real.
My humble personal opinion....
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Where does the time go? The summer is almost over, I didnt really get any time off, and stuff seems to have taken off at a crazy pace.
Sir is and will be around more. Dialoug seems to be getting much better. Its true, slow and steady does win the race. I hate feeling the way I have felt and getting sympathy emails as if it is His fault. Well, it may have been- but there is still love and commitment there. I know I was not and am not being taken advantage of...Sometimes guys just cant help but be big dumb guys. Mebbe its a fear of appearing weak to show emotion. Mebbe its considered unmanly to ask for help. Whatever the reason- I waited (with minimal grumblings) for Him to make up His mind as how best to deal with this.
I really do luv the Big Guy- and I know stuff deep donw inside that this is something significant. It's kinda a kewl thing to hear that come back at ya without provication. A mutual senese of belonging and loyalty.
Rock on.
So now we have the understanding, its just a matter of figuring out the exicution of it all... and its not just the physical of who/what goes where.
Its amazing how much residual pain a person can carry with them. I guess I take for granted the fact that I have mechanisms in which to handle alot of crap- and Im fairly vocal about getting said crap off my chest.
But that was a learned process and not everyone has learned how to do that.
Some people just bottle it up andignore it. It helps maintain continuity but tends to reflux back at the worst times.
SO working thru that and understanding the why takes time.
I am still willing on taking the time... |
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I have spoken to Sir about a number of things. I find it easy to communicate- though this weekend the words just flowed right out of me.
Having attended a demonstration on service, He stated He was "hit" with understanding. He did not realise what service ment to me, or really understood that aspect of this crazy lifestyle we elude to called "BDSM."
While I appriciated the fact that He was open to such discussions and He is always ready to listen, I was rather sad in that I was unable to make Him understand. I was not able to enlighten Him to this simple but profound aspect of myself.
He is still plagued by external BS and life-stuff. So I feel bad having to tell Him that I have been contemplating begging for my release... (wow its hard to write that) But I am always honest to HIm... and I don't see an end in site. A goal to be working towards. The possibility of benefiting Him.
Sure its wicked cool to have an attentive and social and articulate and intelligent pet like myself... and this aches to say it... it just seems that I am under-appricated.
I'm not quite sure about how I feel... about how I feel. I argue with myself over that; struggling with selfishness on one hand and personal fulfillment on the other.
Nothing is set in stone yet, and He is still considering what I have told Him, where He wants to see me applied to His life, what this past year has provided us...etc. |
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Up update:
My Sir doesnt always have time for me and I hate being left to my own devices... whenever He comes back I'll be His but looking for friends who have time to do the BDSM things and other things that make up a fun time. Cos Im one fun girl who feels like she's being wasted...
that may sound disrespectful.. but its been like a year-- what should I do?? |
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Damn my open eyes.
Funny, it takes a couple of tries to figure stuff out. A couple more for me since Im kinda slow on the uptake as it were...
But now I kinda "get it" and feel all yucky inside.
I have doubt, where I dont want doubt.
I have concerns, where concerns shouldnt be.
I have mistrust, and that is just a bad word all the way aorund.
So what is one to do carrying that around? It's not like I asked for a double helping of doubt with some mistrust on the side. I thought I ordered the "Happily Ever After" special.
Damn my open eyes.
Cos I see thngs. I see how things have evolved. I see hoe things are playing out. I see how this will prolly turn out.
And Im not liking it or thinking its cool.
It makes me restless to have to "wait and see." Restless physically and emotionally. I need to distract and replace -just in case... cos the great big wide lurking possibility of not coming to fruition does scare me. The swallowing up of possibilities and hopes...
I dont want to go thru that again. Its not like you can build up a hard shell from that. Not me anyway... alittle more gets swallowed up and is gone.
Because I have doubt, where I dont want doubt.
I have concerns, where concerns shouldnt be.
I have mistrust, and that is just a bad word all the way around. |
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The weather has been soo frikkin hot and I just cant seem to focus or concentrate...
Oh well... hopefully excitement will pick up again... I keep myself open to almost anything and that usually can keep me entertained. I just need some entertaining, I guess... |
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Bored.
Boring weekend.
The weather sukt and was gross...
Sir is away because of family issues... and that is, of course, ok...tried to keep myself busy with online resarch for school and a new job. My job is really sucking the life outta me and I just don't make enough...
I am officially done with non-profit stuff... No more trying to save the world- just me and mine. |
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I have been rather busy as of late with work. It seems to have consumed a major chunk of time. I have also made some personal choices and changes in my life that I am also pleased of. Combine that and regular work and home life and chores and errands... I dont have much of a social life and I dont find myself worrying over Sir. He is in such a bad way now... and Ive offered and offered any help, support, etc. He seems to not want it or not trust it or... and this is a smackable offense-He is being too Pig Headed to take the help of a woman...
What bites though is that some people feel better by helping. I have explained a number of times that sometimes the best service you can give a friend is accepting a helping hand. A favor, A compliment. A gift. Its not the action rather then the intent of it.
It is selfish at times to not surround yourself with the support, caring, nurturing, and help of those closest to you...
I miss Sir... I wish He understood the submissives side to being under utilized...
There was an axe in a locked glass box in the elemetary school I went to. It was for fire saftey or whatever. But it was this axe thingy.
It had been there forever, sealing like Stalin in a protective compartment of glass.
You'd figure it was safe there.
It was never used.
Now, one would think that it would be fine tucked away behind the protective glass.
But the truth is, the axe went dull and they ended up removing it cos it wasn't ever used. It could eventually even be a liability - esp. in its deteriorated state.
THATS what I think of when I try to explain my feelings. |
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Yup... it certianly sucketh greatly.
But I don't usually stay in a fuck very long.. and have done a bit of mental spring cleaning as it were. OK- a couple months late but I got it done.
I'm feeling pretty good aobut some long term goals and changes in my life and that has settled my spirit somewhat.
Now if I can only get a better frikkin job. I HATE the fact that I am so restless at night and immediately start thinging work crap that keeps me a tossin' and a turnin'...
Stupid hudsonvallyehelpwanted.com...
those jerkoffs... |
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Had an awesome weekend- holiday weekend- with the Big Guy and now it's back to being alone. I wish I could submerge myself in my work (since it is taking alot of time anyway) but I find myself distracted and pensive as of late.
I must be going thru some emotional growth spurt or something.
Y'know how it is; you have one sucky thing happen- that sorta bleeds itself into other things within your life? Mebbe its a Libra thing- this need for balance and all...
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Time seems to get away from me now and agian and I don't get to put stuff down in blogging form. 'Sides, I seem to rant and rave about the same sh*t different day.. and that is just such a % of the full me.
I have really found it a struggle to not stay more within a community that I feel myself in. And that just ain't BDSM lifestyle.
I ran into a local garden shop for some supplies today and the woman behind the counter had her baby strapped in a backpack harness lazily sucking away at a sippy cup and a woman was leaning into the counter chatting away as the woman with the baby rang up another woman who had her son in tow.
All of these woman were pagan. All of these women were mothers who were pagan and knew the others were the same. We were all the same and how often do four strangers who happen to be pagan mothers connect at the same place? How awesome and sad is that?
So I thought about that on the drive home and really resented the fact that I am not like the people around me. That my ideas, beliefs, values, etc. are not shared by 98% of the people I come in contact with every day. How much of a bummer is that?
So I think htis will take more thought- more consideration. |
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It's interesting 2 see that there are more than a few people on this site who R here more 4 research or out of curiosity rather then a commitment 2 this lifestyle or belief system.
I think it is kewl to go outside one's comfort zone to explore or allow for the exchange of ideas.
But if one is just exploring and says they are trying to learn- whyEVER would you engage in an email exchange and pass judgement or accuse somemone else of something that is THEIR business.
If you don't agree with me, my blog, my picture, or anything else having to do with the world that is MonstaLuvr- move on!
If you do not like the fact that there is a community for Tops, Dom(me)s, Bottoms, sadists, masochists, trannies, gay, rubberists, slaves, bi, gender-reassigned, etc... to come and share and let their hair down, and open up, and not be judged. NOT BE JUDGED.
With that said- I enjoy the fact I have some good people here that I exchange emails with- socialize with- flirt online- etc...
that's all good. Talk to me- disagree with me- debate with me- -- but don't attack me and then get angry I defend myself.
Homie dont play that...
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I found myslef AGAIN with nothing to do and no word from the Big Guy. I left Him a message yesterday telling Him that I was gonna slip away for the weekned and figured I'd at least get a call to remind me to be safe and all...
but nothing?
Always nothing... so periferal..
and I cant help that it hurts.
So I'm off to get into trouble...
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What to do... what to do... I feel like I need to stand by my Sir. And I hope that He understands that.
But I am struggling with the idea that Sir doesnt always know how to get what He wants. Though I know He wants to keep me around... it seems that He doesnt always know how to make that happen- in a way that is appropriate or fulfilling to either of U/us.
I am willing to stand by HIm. He lets me get away with so much... but I will stand by Him until He asks me to not or it seems pointless...
That's all I got... |
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Again, I'm home alone and... I guess I can't entertain myself very well. Well, thats not accurate. I can entertain myself just fine. I think, rather, I would just like to have a bit more structure. Nahh... not the right term.
I just wanna be able to check in. Report in on the day. Share ideas and stuff.
So am I clingy and needy for wanting to say "Hi, I love You, and this is the crap that made me laff 2day?"
Filling my other time with other people is healthy though it makes it so much more obvious that I am replacing. I keep myself entertained but it isnt how I would chose to occupy myself.
How is it that someone wouldn't want to know how His girl is doing? Did I get too much time over the weekend?
Am I really too much to handle? That intimidating?
ugg... |
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This is the stuff that gets me in trouble.
Home alone, restless-bored- wide awake-horny- creative- and hating to be alone.
I get so bored I am considering actually switching and playing Top. How pathetic is that?
I havent played or been used or didnt have to think in I dont know how long.. AND with no boytoy around I havent even gotten laid.
I'm going CRAZY!
Why am I left to my own devices? It is so difficult to not go and find some fun...
I HATE hanging online or watching TV when my Rugrat isnt home. What a waste of creative energy...
I'm soo mentally pacing right now... |
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It is always a pleasure to go out in publice with Sir- esp. if we can incorporate fun stuff and lifestyle stuff...
Sir came with to a GLBT nite at a local club w/ a drag performer and had an awesome time- esp. when the performer had a nice wave for Him.
It's good to know that Sir is open and receptive to a variety of experiences.
Me? I had a blast getting out and into a club. It's been forever and though I may not have been out on the dance floor- it is certianky an opportunity I hope W/we get to duplicate.
It's so important to be able to balance. Balance work and play, stress and calm, family and freinds. I am all about balance- maybe its the Libra thang- and if nothing else, my greatest wish is that I can provide such a balance for my Sir and those that W/we hold dear.
Perhaps if He accepts that- or allows such variety and balance, He will ground and focus.
I am told by many and Him that He needs more time. I'm not quite sure what that will do- but at this moment, I am still resigned to make whatever this is work.
It is so difficult at times- as my previous postings have been. A source of venting here that I dont really get to do anywhere else- and I have struggled internally with what my place is with Him and for Him.
But maybe it is also a struggle I feel within Him. His place with me and for me? How does He bring someone like me into the "inner circle" of His life? For someone who compartmentalizes and cotrols so much and such a variety of responsibilities, where is my place? Perhaps I feel adrift becasue He is not yet sure of Himself. Does not yet trust what it is I can offer and do for Him.
SO time does seem to be the best option at this time. And though I feel resless and impatient, I know that this could also be an opportunity to prove myself yet again. I know how strong I am- I just need reminding.. and sometimes those little reminders come in the most unlikely of ways and places. |
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Sometimes I feel like I am the farthest thing from Sirs mind- and other times He is all that fills my head.
He never ceases to amaze me and I am glad that we have been able to spend more time together- esp. socializing... one of my FAV pasttimes...
He has been so occupied with the dramatics of an ill parent and a work related injury that I feel like Im a side thougth at times. I have really been struggling with that. Not being a secondary or periferal thought- just the not knowing.
Sir does not burden His girl with the fretting and the worrying about stuff until after somethign happens or after it is resolved. So instead of being able to support, and listen, and hold Him, and in general help Him to work His way thru stuff... I know NOTHING and worry that the worst has happened.
That gets compounded with dealingwith work and other life stuff that gets in the way.
Damn the life stuff...
SO all of this got spilled out and delt with. I'm not sure if it was resolved just yet- but delt with. I can tell Sir anything. The question is :ShouldHe tell me?
That is not my call, is it?
But He has really opened up about how it is I spend my time with my "dalliances" and also "like-minded freinds" and I am so happy to say that He is cool with what it is I do. I would like to incorporate Him into more of my sex-play and whatnot... but that is a goal for another day.
Today I can say that He is planning to keep this girl around for a bit. And this girl is happy to stay. |
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Socializing can be a mixed blessing.. I LOVE to go out and have a good time- esp with the blessings of Sir.. if He cant go... but it can kinda tuff too.... having to explain so much.. seeing how other people are... justifying stuff...etc. It getd uncomfortable at times...
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Sir is having such a hard time with family and personal things... and i feel like crap for being to selfish and wanting to spend quality time with Him.
If I say anything any it seems contrived... to have Him go into Dom -mode...
If I dont say anything and continue to feel like the other party-fun-girl woman... I am dishonest to myself...
and now with permission to "get what He cant provide me" ... I find I develop feelings for the others... well, one in particular.
So how can I remain loyal and submissive if I am not incorporated or kept that way?
I have always stated that just need to find where I belong... where my place is... where I make a difference...
Not as a pet- or a cheerleader- or the other woman- or a lay- or whatever... I am so very much more...
I wish I understood more. Wish I could figure out where it is I should be. I would love to be able to maintain Sir's household. Keep His stuff and His Toys and His pets/subs.
We shall see...
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SO how is one supposed to keep focused and loyal when theyre allowed so much time alone? I know it is hard for me... esp when I have the opportunity to spendtime with other people... I guess feelings can shift and change... |
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I hate goodbyes. I hate Sirs goodbes. I know that He will be back eventually, and I should be grateful for the time He has to spend with me, but it hurts- it hurts and it is real and the past few partings have been unbearable... and I go and cry like a lil bitch each time. It's so very hard to be tuff and strong and contained and bluffing... why cant He see how hard it is for me? Why doesnt He understand what torture it is to be seperatedindefinetly? Waiting on a phone call or a message or an email? I am waiting all the time... pining for Him.. wishing and hoping that He will visit some time soon...
It eats away at me... and weakens my resolve, this thing of waiting. I am always made to wait- to site patient and idly by inthe hopes that my turn will come. That I will be the one He wishes to shower attention on.
And it hurts so very badly... |
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OK- I am just annoyed and tired and frustrated and bored and lonely and aching for Sir to step up to the plate and really think of a true claim.
I'm longing for so much more of a real PE and it seems that Sir may not be ready or inclined or in need of anythign else.. and that brings out a sad face in me.
Why can't He understand the depth of my loyalty and need to be so much more? |
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It seems after a serious couple of talkings to- Sir seems to be more receptive to what it is we are all about. At least I think so...
But my attitude has changed, I think.
I also have my extra carricular activities that I can focus on too....
SO now we have to play a wait and see kinda thing... |
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I think I have finally come to grips with the fact that Sir just isn't available or as committed as He can be.
It hurts to hear that I can go outside to "socialize" but I am soo bored and lonely...
My fear is that I really don't matter in the long term to Sir. That I really am the "other woman" and that He can't dedicate Himself to a true BDSM relationship.
I feel so very lost. SO under utilized.. I am jealous over other subs stories with their Tops. I ache for what I though I was to Sir.
Am all I can be to this man be a friend? A hole to hump? A shrink? Aren't I so very much more? Can't I be more? Don't I deserve more??
Why can't I have this conversation with HIm? Why can't I know what it is I mean to Him? |
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So I woke up with the idea as to why I've been struggling. I figured I'd hope online to see if Sir is online but He's not. Shucks... I thought I was gonna find Him.
I need to tell Him that-- |
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Oh well... I still sorta kinda feel outta sorts... and I cant seem to figure out why.
I miss my Sir. I miss closeness and cuddliness and play and that look He gets when I'm about to get it. How His breath changes and everything gets heightened and intense. That hot tunnel vision.
I just can't seem to tell Him what it is I vent here... and that makes me feel weak or shallow. I try to expres myself- but I dont want it to come off as whiny and bitchy. If I don't say anythign it builds up in me and I feel liek I'm keeping a secret or lying. I know I should express everything- and He is not adverse to hearing me... I just don't know how to say it so He can correctly listen.
It is so important to me that He not be burdened with anything else- since He already seems to be overwhelmed with other stuff...
But He is so dear to me. SO very dear... and I feel the need to shelter Him from any problems that I may offer. But then keeping it inside makes me feel like crap.
So to sum up my ramblings:
If I try to tell Him whats going on in my brain then I feel liek I'm burdening or whining- of I don't try and tell Him I feel as if I am not neing honest and keeping secrets...
How F'd up am I anyway.
I do luv the Big Guy though... and ache for Him alot...
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I don't have any idea whats wrong with me.... I have no desire to listen or seak out Sir anymore... I feel like such a frikkin chore- a burden- and I hate it. I feel lost and confused and hurt. What happened? What changed? Why?
It's August all over again... and I won't go through that again. |
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There is a connection that -it seems to me anyway- so many people posted here (and other lifestyle-friendly sites) are striving for. For some it is a sense of community and fellowship. For others it is a place of acceptance and understanding. Perhaps it is a relationship that is fulfilling or secure. Something that offers a state of importance or necessity. It just seems that we are all trying to attain something.
Whether it is to finally collar someone or be collared. To carry someone's title or trust... we are all just finding our place in this wide world...
What is sad to me, is to see so many people who are either in a rush for having "something" that they wil settle for anything...
There seems to be such a high level of the "crash and burn" relationships. Perhaps it is the nature of a BDSM situation. SO many relationships start with a fire and intensity but due to the very nature of play- only to burn out quickly. Very lil sustaining power...
It seems that- myself included- the magic is a little less... the excitment more guarded....
maybe Im too cynical? I dunno... |
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It was raining too much yesterday and I caught a bit of a chill- sore throat and all.... Sir did stay over Fri and all day Sat. to help me with some stuff I had to get done.
He is all cryptic and light on the info but, well I assume, that what HE does not tell me He tries to make up for in action. He cannot tell me His full feelings for me but will break His back to help me. I am appriciative of such efforts.
I must also say that I find flattery in the fact He is is rather shy about making His hear known. I mean, He is a big storng guy of, but such intense and intimate words tend to keep Him at a loss for words. And that vunerability is sweet.
I still worry for Him endlessly- especially since He has so much going on medically and has voiced that He is bored and depressed over not being able to work and move around much. My first way of remedying that would be to anything for Him... but He doesn't utilize me that way. His isn't really a way of incorporating a storng submissive. Which can be attributed in part to His own strong will and His choices in past submissives.
But my own strength and spirit has gotten me Topless before. The fact that I can submit beyond the bedroom seems to be a contrary selling point. Rather, it seems most Tops don't know what to do with a submissive after the ass marking.
This Sir won my heart because He was open and honest to share His thoughts and interests with me. The fact that we can carry on in a sort of collaboration beyond that of Dom and submissive must mean something. I hope it does anyway... |
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I am still less then Smurfy and am having the dilemma of what I feel being in contradiction with how I should behave. I know I should voice some stuff... get some ill feelings outta the way... but Sir is not doing very well and I just can't seem to make things better. Is it not being honest to just not say anything when if you did say anything it would just add to someone elses burden. Which is exactly what I'm NOT supposed to do.
So I start having dark, distructive, counter-thoughts. I think I think too much... I fear that perhpas He and I are not ment to be together... that He will never let me be anything more to Him then a play-thing and a red ass. And my servitude goes beyond just that- but emotional and deep and lasting.
It seems a repeatitive process... that many are not willing to take the deeper step of submission- it's all fun and games to play and do all the physicallity of BDSM- but the emotional- the intnese real stuff - the absolute submission of the soul stuff!-- well, that can be too ..intimidating?... difficult?... I duuno.. too much for a Dom/me.
At this point I know it isn't me... its so difficult to find people to be real with. And I deeply love my Dom- SIr is so very much to me... I just think perhpas the timing is wrong... and that He doesn't wish to appear "undomly" so I am kept from being a part of the very thing that would prove this girl to Him.
And without His stimulation... I get the roving eye for others who will distract and pay attention to me...
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It has been days since I have seen Sir since we had seperate obligations for the Easter holiday...
I wish I could say that I am confident and that I was able to function for days without hearing His voice.. but I have not, did not, and am filled with doubt.
I hate that I can't control the nagging doubt I feel... I just am concerned that I am yet another obligation in His already cluttered and stressful life. I hate needing to call and hear His voice. That I ache ACHE to be near Him.. touch Him... speak with Him. Does that make me sound pathetic and weak? Reading this sure does... I know I am neither... but I do look to Him as a security blanket of sorts... and I am afraid of becoming a burden... an obligation... non-fun.
I Wish I knew what I was to HIm. Where my place is... It seems that I really don't hold a place and that I am a treasured toy.
I guess I shouldn't really feel so bad about that. I have been the pet before... the plaything.. the distraction. Unfortunately, I grew so very emotionally attached to this person. And I am uncomfortable and dreadfully cautious because of it. Of having hopes and dreams dashed by another someone who really can't keep a girl... who doesnt have the time, skill, or seriousness.
Not that SIr is any of those things.. but I get so immersed in serving that I sometimes miss the tell-tale signals of someone who isn't compatable...
I think He is... It feels like He is... but there is something... missing...
Why do I have to be so cerebrial and pensive? |
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I continue to fall more and more for Sir- though it seems that extracarricular situation seem to be set against us.
He is chronically afflicted with bad luck. It seems that every month situations beyond His control get thrown in His direction- often with negative consequences...
I can't help but worry about Him. I was so sure that by opening myself up and pledging myself to Him that- somehow- luck would change in His favor. That the struggling would die down... and it hasn't. On the contrary, it seems that things have grown worse.
Not that our relationship is bad- far from it. Our bond has grown so strong. He is so important to me and I am flattered and humbled by what He shares with me. The seriousness, the goofiness, the intensity, the humor, the comfort...
Never have I expereinced such a diversity in a relationship. Can it be true that I cna have my cake AND it eat too? That two people can be open and honest enough share so many aspects of their loves together? That He could be my Top in so many ways but that He can be goofy and geeky and will smile at my own geeky goofiness?
The only real stumbling block is how best to help Him through His medical and professional problems...
Why does He have to be so stubborn and independent when He most needs someone to help?
Well... thats my humble opinion anyway... I wish I could do more... |
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It has been a long while since Sir has used me in -that way. Nut the humpy part but the play part.He was injured in an auto accident and hasn't had been able to utilize me in that way.
Tomorrow we are going to an area play party and He (and of course yours trully) are excited about going. He enjoys showing me off and we both have such a blast when we are together.
My hope is that He has a great time, forgets all His worries and concerns for a couple hours and gets a bit of the ol' Freak on. My dearest Sir really needs to get some Freak on... it's unhealthy to go so long and deny that aspect of Hisself. 'Sides, His Freak is one of His best features...
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I am horrible and never remember to jot something down here when I check in..
shame on me...
The only thing I can think to write is that I am back with my Sir and very very happy. I didn't think it would ever really happen to me. But it did. Everything else is minimal... I think this might be real... |
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Moving is yucky and I hate it. I have been in thed process of moving since the 215th and it is slow going due to a number of professional responsibilities.
Please don't thbink I'm lost again- rather, I am limited in online access... |
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Whats in a name?
How did I come up with the name "MonstaLuvr?"
I have heard a variety of ideas as to what this name means- most of the time it has something to do with the fact I'm prolly some hardcore masochisitc painslut looking for luv iwth all the wrong players.
Nope.
I have a fondness for horror movie monsters and figurines. I collect them.
Sorry to burst the romantic bubble but I am a lover of fictional monsters... |
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I assume that people come to this site for many reasons- the largest one is probably to find the "One."
That is not the reason I am here- nor the initial reason I subscribed to this site. I wasn't seeking the "One" then- and I most certianly am not now.
I hope if you take the time to actually read the text of my profile it will become apparent that I am NOT interested in a Top of any sort. I am back to this site out of a suggestion of a friend and that is it. I am a too much of a social butterfly to keep from chatting and such- but I just don't have the will or inclination to seek out another Top.
This girl is damaged goods at the moment and though I can't deny this one particualr aspect of myself- I am not looking to persue a relationship of any kind. I haven't the strength at this time nor is my heart healed enough to submit the way I should.
That said, if you have have reached this point in my lil blog and still don't get it: only send an email if you wanna chat- share a story- live locally-etc. Don't hit on me, don't think you know me, don't assume you can make it all better, don't bully me. I am polite and do respond to emails- but if you pull that ignorant chest-thumping alpha crap- it will do nothing but piss another person off and proly even hurt my feelings.
Save your energy for the next sucker sub. |
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