How pathetic and sad is it that I've gotten bored with sex? In a general sense, that is. I still like it, every so often, but more and more...I just go through the motions. Even bondage and pain and whipping is just not DOING anything. 

So I have decided to look a little deeper. 

I like sex, good. Yay. I like hurting someone. Fantastic. I really just want some cuddle time. A beautiful woman with delicious curves and a dainty frame and delicate face to hold and admire and adorn in gemstones and pearls and silk. I want a strong and virile and gentle man to hold me and love and fuck me - us - when I want. I want romance. 

That right there...that little thing, romance...

It is like trying to catch a falling star, knowing it is too far away but you reach for it after all. Or when you catch it, it burns you down to cinders and leaves a crater. I don't like having sex with women, but I like being sexual with women. I like having sex with men, but am hesitant to be sexual with men. Standing in a skin of female sex and unidentified gender, I am unfulfilled. I identify as a woman because that is what I have been taught. I identify, mostly, as myself. And in a three way relationship, that is something that people aren't going to be okay with. I am woman, I am other, I am me. 

And then, add to the mix that I want to live in my home town, build my house from the ground up, and there are problems with everything. A pathetic mixed up mess of stupid issues and failing interests. 

Well damnation. My tight lacing corset just ripped. I am intensely upset because it was my favorite and next to last one I bought. Fare thee well, beloved bodice. It hugged my hips, ribs and breast for over a year. It shall be terribly and deeply missed. 

Now to campaign for another as soon as I have a few extra funds... (I have any? This is news to me.)

Ah, vacation. I left everyone else at home and went with my younger siblings and my parents to Gatlinburg, TN. Outside of the horrific mid-morning to late-afternoon traffic, it was a blast, if a bit toned down for my tastes. Ah well, that is life. 

If I haven't replied to everyone, I will very soon. 

The thing about being Domme, or myself as Domme, is that I appreciate hygiene to levels possibly unheard of where the toys of any pet or slave are concerned. I have, really, a set for each and every pet, usually packaged off with them when they go and specified to their preferred treatment. So when I train a new guy or gal and know they will not be staying? I make them pay for it with "Trainer Fees" as it were. 

Or, to put it bluntly, I ask for the money to purchase them the sets of toys they want or the toys I want them to have. I have enough bills, I do not need them adding on to how much money I dole out just to be around for a few months and then leave. And now it is even tighter. I gave up a good job to help my family, take care of my mother, sister-in-law, and grandmother while their men are trotting off to other states and making money to keep them well fed and happy. I do not have the extra to make more expenses. And I refuse to use what are possibly blooded toys of one for another.

It is called blood born pathogens. 

I have too much knowledge of this, of issues that are unseen and how they transfer. I have a cousin who is a nurse, a once pet as a nurse, and a best friend who is a nurse. Too much can happen to blithely handle such issues without due respect and wariness. So if I drive off a possible trainee by asking them to cough up the money for their toys? Well, too damned bad. I do not share toys. I refuse to make it a practice. This is a strict Code of Conduct I have for myself and my pets and slaves, past and present. I may beat you, hurt you, make you bleed and love it, but I will NOT endanger myself or others to that degree for pleasure. It is a foolish and stupid way to kill yourself off. 

Good news is that this practice removes almost all issues with other problems, like STDs, something I will not abide or allow within my house or near the ones under my rule. I am clean, my pets and slaves are clean, and I endeavor to keep them and myself that way. 

Ah, well. Loose a prospect, ignore their stupidity. 

Since I have left my home to move in with my lonely mother, near my pregnant sister-in-law, and my ailing grandmother, I've had to leave aspects of my life behind. I'm hoping that soon I will have a new Piggy Bank to remake a new family for myself since my last slave, my only one for right now, is ready to live with me again. I make money, yes, but giving up my job to keep my family healthy and happy has left me with a much smaller amount of revenue than before, curbing any enthusiasm for continuing my life style as it once was. 

Hopefully, within the next year, I can return to it as I hope to purchase and build on some land not too far from my childhood home that will keep me in touch with my family and allow me to help them when they need me as well as return to the style of living I enjoy. 

Oh, wow. Training new little Doms and Dommes is so much work, but a lot of fun. It is harder, though, to find suitable yet experienced Submissives or Switches for them to learn with. But no matter. My last Domme just graduated as it were to start doing things on her own. It is darling when they get to that point. All ready to go for it, confident in being able to express themselves without overtly damaging a willing Sub or just a willing man, woman, or other who wants to experience the thrill. 

And, no, I don't get "involved" with them. I tend to stand back and watch and take care that they are doing as they should, not just as they want willy-nilly. It is much safer all around for the more dangerous types of play some are involved in. Of course, having the Doms and Dommes experience in small doses what they dish out tends to curb too much of the over-enthusiasm. As an extracurricular job, it is rewarding in a way to say that I helped someone find themselves on a deeper and more personal level. 

It's the ones afraid of themselves and their needs that hurt the heart, really. And, yes yes, I am a soft bowl of marshmallows, I'll point that out myself. Having an 18 year old come to me and ask if it is okay they want to tie down their significant other and make them submit, if it makes them a bad person, just breaks my heart. Some want to live the life-style, others just want it available as an option. It infuriates me when some of society will tell them they are deranged and dangerous when it is nothing more than a specific need. I just do not understand because I am not afraid of myself in that respect, or of the notion in others. At the very least, it is a violence that is more controlled and moderated than going out and beating the hell out of someone without consenting to the act! 

Not to say that the life-style will not get out of hand. Some Doms and Dommes push too far too much. Do not respect or care for their Submissives, pushing them, breaking them, and then damaging them beyond repair. I do not know what they think, but that is not a healthy or reliable way to comport the self or the sexual release. I can understand if the Subs are broken down, remade and cared for because Aftercare is the biggest moment of the whole show for me, but to explosively break them down to a basic level and then leave them hanging? No. 

AH! But listen to me rant! I would say I am sorry if I actually were. 

Ta, I've a Pet to tend to. She's (hopefully) getting gang-banged tonight by some drop-ins.