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MistressSumayA
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Trust

There is nothing more important in a BDSM relationship then trust. For that matter any relationship one has in life there has to be trust between the two people. As children we trust our parents. As we move on in life we begin to trust close friends, teachers, and doctors and so on and so forth. As we become of age we begin to trust the opposite sex even taking a partner. Then some of us veer off into another lifestyle called BDSM where we find either a partner that is Dominant to us or submissive to us and we begin to build trust. What is trust really the dictionary gives the following definition of what it is:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

2. Firm belief that a person or thing may be relied on.

3. Belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof.

4. Loyalty: allegiance or loyalty to somebody or something.

If you look at the above definition certain things do stand out such as trust is about integrity, it’s about believing one can rely on another. It is about giving devotion to another and it’s about being loyal to another. How does that fit into a BDSM relationship? Trust is very much an Integral part of BDSM.

BDSM is a lifestyle based on truth, honor, integrity, as well as a lifestyle that because of some of the practices one has to trust completely that their partner will follow safety precautions. Trust becomes a line between life and death.

Domination and submission between the Dominant and the sub there has to be a trust built the sub has to be able to feel that they can go to that Dominant with anything and it will be accepted and understood. They have to feel that it will not be looked down upon or that there will be recriminations for them doing so. For what happens if a sub has something in their past that hinders them from moving forward. If they do not feel they can trust the Dominant to understand the problem or to accept what happened in the past with out there being recriminations then how can that sub possibly feel comfortable enough to bring it to their Dominant.

The sub also needs to feel that they can count on and trust that Dominant to do the right things pertaining to the sub. This means that the sub can feel safe in knowing that the Dominant will always do their best to make the correct decisions pertaining to the life of the submissive. It also means they can trust in their Dominant to see not only to the every day needs of their lives but also the physical and emotional aspects of their lives. They have to know that if some emergency comes up pertaining to them or they are struggling trying to cope that Dominant can step up to the plate and solve the problem. Be it a simple problem like wondering what to eat that day to a major problem of no food in the house to eat and no money for the store.

On the other hand the Dominant has to be able to trust that submissive such as knowing that the sub will open up be honest with their feelings and tell all of their problems they are struggling with. In my dealings with sub missives I have found that sometimes they do not tell the Dominant the full problem one because they are two embarrassed or two because they do not want to burden that Dominant thinking that He/She will love them less because they are bothersome. This is very much not true guys, Dominants thrive on solving problems when the sub goes to the Dominant and places their trust in that Dominant with a problem it does several things one it makes that Dominant feel needed which in turn makes them feel powerful over that submissive. It also shows that they are doing something right in order for that submissive to feel comfortable enough to come to them.

Now granted depending on how big the problem is they might feel my god what next but at the same time the fact their sub needs them will have them running to correct the problem because that’s what Dominants do. They have to trust that sub to be loyal to them and their guidance. They have to know that if they decree something and the sub does not exactly like it the sub will not run off half cocked but will remain loyal to the Dominants words and commands.

The thing about trust is that both parties have to have a trust and respect for each other they have to know they can count on one another to do the job in the relationship that each are suppose to do. Trust goes even deeper in a BDSM relationship then just trusting in one another and being loyal. If You think about it given some of the things done in scening the sub is literally putting their life in the hands of that Dominant. That is a hell of a lot of trust to be putting in someone. That sub has to know that the Dominant will adhere to her limits, that the Dominant will respect her safe word when she uses it.

The sub has to know that what ever the Dominant decides on in a scene they damn well know what they are doing and have practiced and done it before. The sub has to place their total trust in that Dominant that He/She is responsible enough to only do what they have knowledge of. If not that sub has to place their trust in that Dominant that He will be honest enough to say this is something new for Him/Her also and decide together wither to go ahead and try it.

We have looked at how trust comes about but let’s take a minute to look at how it is broken and what happens. Trust is a very fragile thing one wrong turn and it can come all tumbling down. Sometimes it can be regained and others it becomes such a big issue that there is no recouping and the relationship will end up bitter, and hurtful. One must realize that when in a relationship it is not only about how one interacts with the partner but how one interacts with everything in life and the choices they make. For regardless of what we may think our choices and how we deal with things do reflect upon us as a person.

Ways that trust become broken or dented are things such as making promises that are either not kept or there is an excuse as to why that promise is not kept. Such as telling the sub you will call them at such and such a time or be on line at such and such a time and you either don’t show up on line or you do not call. Then there is a good excuse as to why. Well that might work the first time and the sub may accept the excuse but when it continually happens believe me the trust begins to unhinge. For how can you trust in someone if they do not keep their word on simple promises or do what they say they are going to do? So Dominants if you say your going to do something then do it otherwise you are going to end up in a big trust issue.

Same goes for the subs do not say you can handle something nor do something unless you really can come through on it. Another thing that breaks trust is to not be honest with each other. This pertains to both on line and off line. If you’re asked a question answer it truthfully, that means all questions. For instance don’t make up grandiose answers thinking to impress the other person. Just remember those answers will come to light one day and if you lie about them right off you will have to continue on the lie with another lie and so forth and so on and eventually You will trip Yourself up. Once a lie comes out no matter how small it breaks the trust for if one lied about one thing how much more have they lied about.

Another thing that breaks trust is promising the relationship will be this or that then in midstream changing the parameters. Such as a Dominant saying they are not poly and do not want a poly relationship then a year down the line suddenly deciding they want a second sub. That right there has broken many a trust not to mention many a relationship. Be sure of what you want guys because your partner is trusting on you to deliver your part of the relationship.

These are just a few things that can break trust there are many many more. Trust is a long on going process that builds day to day, hour to hour, year to year it can take years to build trust fully but it can take just minutes to break it. Don't promise what you can not deliver, don't say you will do something then don't. Don't lie for they will catch up. Don't play on another’s feelings for they will end up hurt.

Always be honest, loyal and upstanding in your dealings with other people for to not do so no matter the situation it reflects on you as a person. If your dealings are not above board with others then how can the one you’re with trust you do right by them. p.s must have pic no pic plz dont email me and im not or in to Switch ty muahkiss

1/22/2007 10:03:03 PM
hi im an easey going kanda girl im looking for a LTR wit a sub/slave boy who enjoys a true Ts Mistress to love and care for her and willing to obay her in everything wit no limits except kids, blood and animals i love first timers the one that never ben wit a Ts/Mistress Young SweetBoyToy so if u fit tha part Hit Me Up im not in to one night stand or casual sex is good friends first or nothing ty PEACE OUT Muahkiss             

Here are some qualities I think are found in a good Mistress. As always, YMMV.

1. Control. Above all, a good Mistress is always in control of herself. She does not rant or rave, and never punishes when angry. On the rare times that temper overwhelms her, she walks away until she regains balance. After all, how can a Domme control her sub if she can't control herself?

2. Creative. A good Dominant puts time, energy and creativity in her scenes. She is not satisfied playing the same games over and over, and goes the extra length to come up with new and different ideas.

3. Human. The best Mistress knows she is human. She realizes she will make mistakes, and is quick to apologize when she does. She knows she won't be thought of as any less "Dommly" because of an apology. On the flip side, she realizes that others will make mistakes also, and even though she may punish for the mistake, she accepts an apology graciously and puts the event in the past.

4. Compassionate. A good Mistress is compassionate. She cares about her sub(s), friends and family. She takes time to listen and respond to the needs of others. She isn't selfish and doesn't have the illusion that the world revolves around her.

5. Technique. A good Domme works on her play technique. She knows how to use her toys and practices frequently. She reads the latest books and talks to others in the scene. An effective Mistress tests her toys on herself before she uses them on her sub.

6. Consistent. The best FemmeDom is consistent in her instructions and requests. She doesn't give her sub conflicting commands. She delivers equal punishment for equal offenses, and equal rewards when pleased. She is firm in her direction and does not waiver when faced with a difficult situation.

7. Thorough. An effective Dominant is thorough. She directs a scene from start to finish to better allow her sub to achieve headspace. She takes away all distractions and decisions...telling her sub what position she desires, what needs she wants fulfilled, and how this is best accomplished.

8. Respectful. A good Mistress respects herself and others. She strives to always project herself in the best possible light, and expects the same from her submissives. She is well-groomed, and takes pride in her looks. She takes good care of her toys and equipment.

9. Safe. A Domme worth playing with is safe. She is aware of the damage she can cause a submissive and does her best to prevent harm. She knows first-aid and attends classes periodically to keep herself updated.

10. Communication. A good Domme is an effective communicator. She says what she means, and means what she says. She is specific and chooses her words carefully. She doesn't rant, nag or whine because she knows this shows a lack of control. She states instructions in a clear, easy-to-understand manner.                                 

What do you look for in a Dominant ...What do you want? by vidette{CL}
Know yourself, know what you want
When you are first starting...how do you know? What experience have you got to base your desires on? Remember: Online is a different world to the reality of a power based relationship.  Make some lists....these can be written down...maybe a journal is a good idea...or they can be in your mind...whatever works best for you. The idea is to familiarize yourself clearly with what you need and want.

What do you need as a person to be happy, healthy and complete What you desire in another person (forget the BDSM activities) What fundamentals you desire in another person What turns you on...what curiosities you have...fantasies etc. What you feel are your shortcomings...any problems that you know you have...past history that may affect you now or at some point Start to familiarize yourself clearly with who you are....even your shortcomings.

As you travel along...revise your lists. As you learn by talking to others, watching the interaction between other people and experiencing for yourself...add to your list the things you discover are essential and highly desirable to your well being and happiness. Don't anticipate that this will happen overnight. I am still discovering myself and aspects of my submission over a year into my relationship. It's an evolving thing.

I have found that what may have been a very real fantasy, can dissipate very quickly once you've actually experienced it in real life. On the other hand, what you may claim is a hard limit, may in fact change drastically once you have experienced it at the hands of a caring Dominant partner. Don't write it in stone until you know for sure.

Remember that when you are looking for a Dominant...this is something that you are going to be doing with another person on an extremely intimate  level. You are handing over power and control to someone who is hopefully worthy. That is something that you should consider with extreme gravity. Is this person completely worthy of taking the responsibility of my life in His/Her hands? And it is your life they take in their hands. Don't ever underestimate that.

To build a strong and healthy relationship...based on whatever works for you...knowing yourself better than anyone else...you need to be able to clearly see what it is you want at this point in your life. You need to have an idea of what you seek in a partner. There is no point in just saying...i'm submissive and i need a Master...and any Master who shows interest will do. There is no validity in that at all. To be a whole human being you need to also recognize the areas in your life that you need to work on and you need to start taking active steps to heal or strengthen those areas. Don't assume that a Dominant is the answer. Revise your lists regularly.

Reasons why relationships DON'T work

Rushing into a relationship before the proper foundation has been laid Not being prepared for this type of commitment and knowing your limits.  Lacking communication skills in expressing needs and desires in the relationship. Failure to map out a clear list of expectations and obligations within the relationship. Expecting too much too soon.
(Ref. The Castle Realm)

HNG's and Dom impostors...what makes a good Dominant

You will find information on most resource based websites about what it
takes to be a good Dominant...and also what it takes to be a good submissive.
This information is highly subjective of course. But there are obvious characteristics that make for an honorable Dominant worthy of your submission.

Some basics would be....honesty, trust, loyalty, knowledge, wisdom, self control, empathy, compassion...etc etc etc. Fill in the blanks yourselves...you know what makes someone worthy of you.

The Different Loving site has a good description for both Doms and subs:

What makes a successful Dominant by Polly Peachum

Choosing the right Dominant

Fortunately, the net makes this lifestyle freely available to anyone who is interested. For many it's like switching on a light bulb in a dark and cluttered attic...all of a sudden you can see what some of the dark shadows are...you begin to recognize parts of yourself that have been stored away for a long time...it's exciting and you frantically seek confirmation of your new discoveries. Unfortunately, the net is also a haven for wannabe Dom's, HNG's, and predators of all descriptions. It's easy to hide...easy to learn the ropes...easy to manipulate vulnerable people and easy to get what you want.   It's also easy to disappear once the damage is done. I can't stress enough to be extremely vigilant of people you meet on the net...unless they can be verified by people you actually know and trust in the community...be very wary and take all precautions.

Where do you meet people...potential play partners and potential Doms?

Each state has it's own network of activities. You can learn about these from the state mailing lists or by asking people you know live in those areas.

It would be my advice that you don't exclude submissives from your developing friendships. Many new subs have a goal in mind to meet the Dom of their dreams and in doing so, neglect to build a support network within the lifestyle. This is important. There aren't many places you can turn with the problems that may arise in this lifestyle. Your fellow sub sisters and brothers are valuable allies at times...for many reasons.

Online is one way of making yourself available to potential partners, but this usually has its drawbacks too. Once again, be sure of what you want before you go looking for it...if you don't think you will handle the long distance thing...if you need regular physical contact...don't get involved  with a Dominant that isn't near you geographically. If you want the distance...that's different. So many submissives fall into this trap. Long distance is hard. Be realistic about it.

Don't throw yourself at Dominants that aren't available. It's really in bad taste and doesn't win you any kudos in the community. It makes you appear untrustworthy. Remember...treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. IRC doesn't make you above that.

Being polite and charming and honest with yourself and others is probably the best way to draw a potential mate to your side. Be yourself. Don't present an unrealistic version of who you are. There is a very strong chance you will meet these people you talk to online at some stage.

Meeting a Dom for the first time

I can't stress enough...and it's something that very few submissives do...check him out before you meet him. Talk to other submissives and if possible past play partners. Don't hide his name from the community. This is a safety issue. It is something that the majority of new submissives do. I'm not sure whether it's for fear of having their Dom stolen away from them...or whether their Dom doesn't want people to know...whatever...it sets alarm bells ringing!!

Never underestimate that we wander around on the very fringes of society in this lifestyle. There may be the odd soft core ad in the mainstream media...but this lifestyle is an outer edge thing. The outer edges attract lots of very odd people with many very odd ideas. The idea of community...is to advocate safe, sane and consensual lifestyle practices...and to have an idea of who is among us and what we do. If someone pops up who starts talking about something that is borderline SSC...my hackles rise. I am very aware.

Once you have checked this person out and you have arranged to meet...set up your safe calls. Let someone know exactly where you are going, what time, what you will be doing and arrange for them to call you there or for you to call...whatever...just that you make contact to ensure that everything is ok. We did a discussion on this earlier in the year and the archives for that is available through either my site at vidette's submission  or Crimson Lord's site

Don't arrange to play the very first time you meet someone. Meet them and talk...negotiate...get to know them. Don't rush and don't be rushed. There is no hurry in this lifestyle...it's not going anywhere and neither are you or the Dom.

Communication is so vitally important in these early stages. Talk about all your expectations...your fears...your concerns....anything that you feel will influence what you are embarking upon. Communication is a reciprocal thing remember. This isn't a case where you just get to tell this potential Dominant your life history...this is a situation where you need to listen carefully also. You need to take away what you have been told and weigh it up. Is this what i want and need in my life? Is this person compatible? Is there a chemistry? Is there a common desire? Are our kinks matched?

When you do finally set up to play...arrange safe calls...arrange to have a friend present...or talk to the DM at a play party and let them know you are new...this is a first time play...whatever...take every precaution to ensure your own safety. Once you start playing...your better judgment may just go out the window and you won't be able to call the shots. Before you begin playing...negotiate carefully with your partner. If you don't want to be caned...this is the time to tell them. If you have a problem with being called names or treated roughly...this is a good time to tell them. If hair pulling is not on...tell them now. If you have an injury or back problem or other health problems...this is the time to be making it all very clear. Negotiate a safe word or some other method of calling an end to something that is distressing you or if you are experiencing discomfort in some way.

Collars

Collars are always a contentious issue. To each they have their own meaning...but it's my view that if you take this lifestyle seriously...the commitment you make when you take a collar is as deep as...if not deeper than...the commitment made in marriage. It's not something that you should consider lightly. Ask yourself....what does a collar mean to me? Is it fulfilling a need to belong? Is it an extension of the love in the relationship? Is it a sign of ownership? Is it necessary? Think about what your attitude to a collar is. How do you see others who are collared?

What makes you worthy of a collar? Do collars need to be earned? How do you earn a collar? Some may say that traditionally you beg for your collar? How do you feel about that? When should a collar be considered? Is there such a thing as too soon? Is there a rush?

When does the Dominant become Master? Is it when He becomes your owner? Is it when you officially put your collar on? Is it after a period of time when you feel in your heart...without a doubt...that He owns you in every way?

Please note...there are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions. They are completely subjective. How do you feel about these things? This is what you need to clarify in your own mind to help you make the right choices and right decisions.

There is a significant amount of information available online regarding collars. These are just two perspectives...one from a submissive...the other from a Dominant.  P.S MUST HAVE PHOTO IF NO PIC PLZ DONT EMAIL ME TY

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lildeviant19
 
ashesismykitty
 Age: 26
 Janesville, Wisconsin