So many wonderful things to write!  

-I had a FANTASTIC weekend last weekend.  Fetish Film Festival on Friday, Saturday was brunch and Kinky Boots and Sunday was with family.  Friday I saw friends unexpectedly.  Saturday I got to see someone that I haven't seen in over 4 years!  He and I were in the same area of the city, so we met up.  It was SO COOL to see him.

The week was crazy, as I have been prepping to travel for work.  I am working with a really nice, sweet, grateful and attractive man.  Not that I have a work crush or anything.  HA.  

Last night I went out with a friend.  We went to a new restaurant.  They were SO accommodating with my food allergy.  The food was delicious.  I thought he asked me to hang out because he was having an issue/crisis.  I found out that he wanted to hang out with me because we are friends and he enjoys my company.  FANCY THAT!  I forgot that sometimes people do that.

Speaking of, there is one particular person that I have been trying to reach, but I think he is either distracted or doesn't realize it.  It kinda makes me sad.  I have really limited time these days, so I have been trying to invite him over, but he hasn't been responsive.

After July is over, I will have more time.  Things are good, and I am grateful.

The amount of ridiculous "can I be your slave forever," messages are increasing.  So is my desire for a special unicorn.  

With time, situations improve.  I am starting to begin to feel like myself again.  :)  Not there yet, but it's slowly improving.

Working on a Rope group in Westchester called Rope Bite which will be open to everyone.  Hardest part is finding a venue.  Obviously separate from my other group.

I read an article (https://medium.com/@reifman/5ebf4e53294c) recently which made me feel like a terrible person.  Yes, it's one viewpoint, but it's very relevant.  It made me reach out to my ex, who I cut off over a year and a half ago after we broke up.  I don't have an issue with him, but due to his religion, I thought it was best to go our separate ways.  I am kinda glad that he didn't seem too enthusiastic to hear from me, but was instead being nice because that is what his religion dictates.  

Life is weird.

Oh, that special moment when you realize that you are not ready to date again.  Or even play for that matter.  Or even tie anyone up.  Or do anything even remotely kink related.  Or even start Operation More Fun up again.  No OMF!  That's not living!  That's when I know it's time to run away!  That I shall do.  Vermont, I am looking forward to being in you.  I will do nothing but drink cappuccinos and read books till my eyeballs fall out.  Usually being away from everything makes me miss fun.  I hope this works. 

Quote of the night:  Remember though, you are an actual female on CM and not charging $.  Makes you very rare lol.

Today was super fun.  I had a blast with my sister sillistress.  We enjoyed the festival of colors, then enjoyed a relaxing dinner.  I ran into a childhood friend which was wonderful!

It's time for positive change.  :)

Collarme is not the only site where dudes send copy and paste messages.  This is amazing!  I love answering with the auto response or one word answers.  It probably annoys them as much as I am annoyed by getting said copy and paste messages.

I am in rare form tonight.  I feel slightly on fire!

One of the three friends that read my journal (hehe) wrote this to me:  "But your life ALWAYS seems to be a blend of happy and exciting, and pissed, and disappointed, and love, and friendship, and good times, and some bad ones thrown in there as well..."  
Yes.  Completely.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the most wonderful.  I *could* be wrong, but I think that is life.  I write about it here because it's my outlet.  I generally try to keep things positive, but sometimes I need to just vent.

Someone else, wrote, "It's never back to square one, MissRouge: all the lessons learned make us wiser in these situations. We are never truly starting over. Maybe it feels that way because these lessons take some time to sort out."  
Holy shit.  Yes.  I definitely see the past few months as a growing experience.  It's a great thing.  I have learned to let go of things quicker.  I have also learned that just because someone is awesome and wonderful and does their best to make you happy, it doesn't always work.  Some things are just not meant to be.  Such is life.  I am still a lucky lady.

Something is certainly making me smile....

This is awesome!

Square one!  It's for the best, I suppose.

Apparently, there are more than just 3 friends that read my journal.  I appreciate the advice and well wishes that have been sent.  Yes, I am frustrated and angry, but I feel like if he gets his shit together, he could be an amazing person and we could have a fulfilling relationship.  

Then again, once I fully give up on someone, there is no turning back.  I was talking to my BG about the situation and he is right.  I love and give until there is nothing left.  Once I am done, I am fully done.  I have tried to date people a second time - it's never the same and doesn't ever work. 

Anyway.  My decision to sit on the couch and watch tv for the evening instead of making plans was great.  Tomorrow I have my group gathering of rope fun, followed by a lovely evening at a friend's party - lots of fun planned for that!

I haven't had a chance to write about my weekend with the girl and the boy.  To sum it up - it was awesome.  I went to a fun bday party on Friday where hot people threw themselves at me.  Hahah.  Then Saturday, the girl came over.  We hung out, went to a local town and had brunch.  It was super nice.  Since it was raining we watched a bunch of movies.  The boy came over late that evening.  Having them both here was pretty awesome.  I felt super loved.

I am lucky.  I am super lucky that I have really awesome friends.  I am also lucky that in addition to my biological family being awesome, my kink family is awesome too.  I feel really loved, which I realize is rare, but wonderful.  <3  <3

The weirdest thing just brightened my evening.  I think I may have mentioned my ex with a dad that is a big name in the kink porn industry.  In any case, my ex randomly sent me a message on AIM.  I haven't spoken to him in 10 years.  Hahaha.  

I had to tell him I was kinky.  He was not surprised that I am still a free spirit (I suppose I was one at 15 when he and I dated), but is surprised about the top thing.  He and I talked for years (when I was in college) about going to a swingers club, but it never happened.  

It seems that he is dancing with the kinky line, but not quite.  He knows ALL of the kink terminology.  It's like talking with a knowledgeable mostly vanilla sex positive person.  

And now we stroll through (good) memory lane.....

Holy shit.  What has happened to me?  My life was fucking ridiculous.

Now we go into confession hour.  I fucked things up when I was 15 (yay for young and fucking stupid).  He fucked up things much more when I was 21.  

It's always amazing the confessions that come out years later.

We are back to the madness.  The relaxation was short lived.  I suppose upward and onward.  

I had a long chat with someone today about stuff going on in my life.  I work with her.  I shall call her Jewel.  She gave me great insight about how the brain works.  

Time.  Everything takes time.  I am impatient, sometimes.  I hesitate, sometimes.  I wonder if I am taking enough time?  Or perhaps I am taking too much time? 

Life is short.  Live it up?  Or enjoy it at a smooth level?  Take more risks?  Or have things just as is?

Today was the first calm day in weeks at work.  It was kinda nice.  Too bad that won't last long.  Walking around this evening was delightful.  The sun setting was glorious.

I have a hardpoint in my bedroom.  The first usage didn't go well, but it happens.  After thinking about it, it really was an easy fix, but I think since he got a bit frantic, I took him down quickly.  To practice more, I will be hanging from my ceiling.  I suppose shit happens and you learn from it.

I suppose I am starting to take things one day at a time again.  I talked to the boy about stuff on my mind.  After thinking about it more, I feel like I have a bit more clarity.  It's annoying that sometimes it takes me a bit to process things.

Also, I must be in rare form this evening.  I just wrote to JH.  I didn't apologize, but I did admit my lack of maturity in handling the situation.  When I am hurt, I forget that I am an adult sometimes.  I suppose that makes me human.  

In any case, my 4 sentence message to him got a 4 paragraph reply from him.  I suppose he still really feels bad for hurting me.  It seems that he really liked me.  He even complimented me again.  Haha.  Boys are so weird.  Apparently he would LOVE to be friends if and when I want to.  Either way is fine.  I just don't want to see him around and it be awkward.

This does NOT mean I am on a roll getting back in touch with the ex's.  The one with the church can stay out of touch.  I don't really have any hard feelings (but religious beliefs are still touchy), but I kinda don't want judgmental people in my life.  AKA, if you can't be with me because your church doesn't like me (and they didn't meet me), then you don't belong in my life.  I like people that can make big boy decisions for themselves.

I am still crazy busy at work.  I got a f'n email at 8:00pm from my boss, asking where I was.  I did work 8am - 6pm - a short day for me, but definitely more than the regular 8 hours.

Someone told me to "keep doing it until it isn't fun anymore."  I feel like I would say the same thing to me.

As always, I shall reevaluate in a month.  Or when I am not on a crazy work week streak and I have time to breathe.

I am kinda jealous that I gave the boy permission to play with someone else, when I have been turning down others because I want to play with him more first.  Then again, I get the impression that our play styles are different so I suppose he is getting what he wants elsewhere.

We haven't really played at all.  The more I think about this, the more bizarre it is.  He and I have been together for almost 2 months and I don't have that connection with him.  Kinda lame.  I don't know his body, I don't know his reactions, I don't know how to get him to that awesome place that I love.  I suppose not everyone gets there.  In the past, the kink connection made the relationships I had a lot more intense.

To be totally fair, he and I are still getting to know each other.

Tomorrow is the deadline I gave him.  

The weekend was pretty fun - went to a HUGE event in DC.  Friday was a bit of a shitshow, but once we got past that, things were pretty good.  I certainly must say, there were 4 words which almost changed the entire weekend.  ::shudder::  Anyway.  My girl was totally amazing and wonderful the entire weekend.  She was on top of her game, fun, sweet and lovely.  I was so happy to spend my Valentines weekend with her.  

I love and hate this journal.  I love it because usually I express myself freely, but hate it, because people that I know and care about read it.  With that said....

I am annoyed.  The boy and I just had a phone conversation because he would like me to be more dominant when we are doing kinky things.  My issue with that is if he can't listen to me when I ask for things in a vanilla setting, then why the fuck would he bother during a scene?  He does what he wants.  It's not like I am trying to control his life.  I stopped bothering trying to get him to listen to me.  Unless I hurt him, things usually don't happen.  It's sort of like a domino effect.  He doesn't listen to me in a vanilla setting.  I don't trust he will listen to me in a scene setting.  I don't really do too many kinky things with him because unless people listen to me, it's not fun.  Yes, I can make all of the threats, but most times I stop caring and trying.  Why bother?  Maybe I just need to have a more service orientated person in my life that will do the things that he doesn't.

There it is big sister.  He's perfect in every way, except for that.

I see that since I wrote about the "competing" site in my last entry, that CM has wonderfully edited it.  It took out my references to said site.

In any case.  On my drive home, I was thinking about being underestimated.  Just because I am not saying that I see a specific scenario happening, doesn't mean I am not aware. 

Starting to work a LOT more hours, so I think it's making me cranky.  And a bit too analytical.

It JUST occurred to me that I haven't really played in a long time.  I kind of want to.  In an intense sort of way.  

Today I stayed home from work, due to snow!  I haven't been alone for an entire day since November.  I slept late, did laundry, and cooked.  It's been a nice day to reflect on things, and really think things through.

I gave the boy a deadline of March 1st to make some improvements.  They are essential to our relationship.  As I need us both to be happy and healthy so I am also going to make some improvements.

Speaking of the boy, I took care of him this weekend, as he was not well.  I think he may soon start to realize how much I actually care about him.  I stayed up most of the night to make sure he was okay.  I don't like seeing him suffer.

In other news, as much as I love hanging out with one of my dear friends ALL OF THE TIME, I really need to slow down.  I am becoming overwhelmed!  Hahaha.  Well, there is some element of truth in that.  I am used to more of a variety of friends.  My vanilla friends are feeling the effects.  I feel terrible.  I missed one of their birthday's completely.  Bad bad.

In good news, I am pretty happy and relaxed.  This is a good thing.

I am feeling a LOT better since I wrote everything out.  I think it helped me sort things though.  I still have a lot to figure out, but I am sure I will in time.  

It feels like everything has been a bit of a whirlwind lately.  Most of it has been awesome and amazing.  

I have been thinking about my relationship lately.  I am trying to process what we have talked about and work through it.  I JUST realized this (DUH ME), but I guess this is a bit more of an open relationship - multiple play partners and his desire to do sexual things with others.  When I had a few dynamics going on in the past, I saved all sexual things for my one boy - I guess I am sort of monogamous in that way.  

I think I can make this work.  I am still in the mindset that he is the only one that finds me remotely attractive.  I am a bit picky when it comes to this sort of thing, but I am pretty sure that I may possibly want to kiss someone else?  Or not?  This concept is totally foreign to me.  

There is one person that I usually make out with after we play.  This person is totally slutty, which is totally okay with me (which is so unusual - but it works).  They are just sooooo much fun to play with.

I guess to me, if you are in a relationship with someone and having sex and kissing others, then it makes what you share....almost less.....special?  There can be things that are sacred, and only between us, but if you are having sex with others, then what is the point?  Then again, you share vanilla things in life.  So I suppose it's like super vanilla friends that have sex with each other and others and do kinky things with each other and others???  I think this could be easier for me to process if it was a poly type of thing.  At least it wouldn't feel as chaotic.  I think I need to ask more questions.

My brain hurts.

I just read my entire journal from the last year.  My, my, my, I have healed.  I guess you don't realize when you are in a not so good place.  I see it now because I am happy again.  2013 was a year where I struggled a bit, but I got through it.  I was all over the place at times, trying to fill the void and to push away the hurt.  As soon as the negativity disappeared, I was able to be happy enough with myself to enjoy life.

I still have a few challenges to face, but I am in a better place, so it will be easier to do so.

Things have progressed in an unexpected way.  He is now mine.  It's awesome.  He's deliciously sexy, sweet, fun, romantic, and intelligent.  He makes me glow with happiness.  He can handle pain like a champ.  It feels like a dream.  

Vanilla and D/s in one relationship!  It's my absolute favorite.  I love that I can go out with him in public and we seem like a normal couple.  We can walk around and hold hands, and nobody knows that earlier he was tied up and tortured.  I love that he wears the bruises I give him proudly.  

In other news, BG was thrilled to hear that I am happy.  That made me happier.  I can't wait for them to meet.  

2014 has been pretty awesome so far.  I want to continue to enjoy this bliss.

In the past few weeks, I have been crazy busy. 

Brimstone - delightfully fun. Most of the "family" was there. I did my first fire play scene. I overcame my fear of it. I didn't burn the bottom or myself. It was awesome. Met a few fun people. Learned new rope tricks. Saw a guy we met at another party. I shall name him cuddle bug. He is kinda hot. He and I have kept in touch. 

Last weekend V came over and we hung out in the city all day. Cuddle bug asked if he could take us out. We ended up having so much fun!!! We went to our concert and then went back to his place. 

I am going to his house tonight. It's Christmas. I hate being alone Christmas night. 

Life is good. Let's see where it takes me. 

Merry Christmas. 

It's hilarious when someone writes to me, asking if I have ever thought about {their super elaborate detailed fantasy that is slightly odd}.  No dude.  That is YOUR fantasy.  How about approaching me like a person, not a fantasy fulfilling factory!  I am not in this to please someone else.  I am in this to form a connection with someone and together, we will do things that are fun.  So there.  Take that!

Yay for better weeks!  Tomorrow is our first brunch in Westchester.  I am freaking out, because the restaurant is not taking reservations.  I have decided that everything will work out.

What a shitshow of a week.  Work was really challenging.  I really do try to keep things positive and happy, but seriously?  Last night was insane.

Helmy, a guy that I told I would take under my wing screwed up REALLY badly last night.  I met him as a friend - he said he was a Dom.  I told him I would show him the scene and teach him what I know.  Anyway, since meeting me, he has been interested in being submissive (as he was in the past).  He and I have been hanging out as friends and having a blast.  He has been very helpful throughout and always anticipating my needs, without me asking.  I always thanked him.  

Anyway, last night during dinner, he asked me to be his Domme.  I said I would consider it.  He told me he wanted to be there for me whenever I needed or wanted anything.  He also told me that he would like to do service things.  He told me that being a sub was vulnerable but he is positive that he wanted that.  

I brought him to an inner circle party at a friends house.  He ignored me the ENTIRE night, chatting with submissive girls.  BG was alllllllll over everything, checking in with me, looking at me, making sure my glass was not empty and I had everything I needed.  We decided to go to a kink party at a venue.  When I got into my car with Helmy, he told me he wanted to "spank some bitches."  I said something to the effect of, wow, just a few hours ago, you were ready to give up your dominance. 

At the kink party, he was not helpful at all.

Back to my friends house....He went into the back room with a girl and spanked her.

To me, that behavior does NOT demonstrate that he wants to be with me.  

On the way home, he pushed me to find out why I was so quiet.  I told him.  He came up with lame excuses, like, "oh, I didn't know that you wanted me to be helpful."  That's realllllly weird, because before the party he always was.  And, "oh, I didn't know it was inappropriate to play with someone else."  Not only did he not ask the sub's dude, but he knows how I feel about that sort of thing.  I am VERY loyal, and if I am seeing someone, and decide to play with someone else, I always give the courtesy of running it by them.  ESPECIALLY if they are in the other room.  If they are uncomfortable, I don't do it.

That's me.  I guess I am just different.

Wowwww.  So apparently JH is now sorta exclusive with one of this other play partners.  I mean damn.  It's been 2 weeks.  I guess when I jumped ship, he jumped into something with her.  It hurts a TINY bit.  What a fuckface.  

I ended things with JH.  I don't feel like I should be in limbo.  Since then, I went to GKE.  Here is what happened:

Honestly, I only attended one class the entire weekend. Every time I went to a class, it was packed or too hot, or whatever. Or I was in my room, with all of the cool kids.

• I was told I am too guarded. Yes. TRUTH. I am. I am also super picky. Those who I do feel are awesome are let in (slowly). This person also told me that I may be missing something amazing (and gave me a really relevant example). Perhaps this is something I need to work on. I'll can certainly try to be a bit more open. (Writing this entry is probably the most open thing I have on - I do have an online journal on a different fetish site, but only certain people know about it.) I am also super vague. This probably goes with the guarded part.

• I learned that honesty can really make something that I wouldn't normally touch with a ten foot pole, awesome. I had a conversation with someone that told me their exact intentions for our interaction and it was great. I love it when people know what they want and express it.

• I learned that staying in a hotel room with others, although challenging at times, can be a TON of fun. I had a blast, having multiple people in the room, just hanging out. It was also fun snuggling. And being out of character. I generally stay alone in hotel rooms (or with one other person), but this experience of having 9 people in 2 connecting rooms was sorta awesome.

• I learned that being different is fun. It was a Geeky Kink convention, so people were dressed up in costumes (obviously). I dressed up in "vintage" and fancy dressy dresses! Someone commented that I looked too posh. Yes. I probably did. I got down and dirty in said dresses. I also had on my wonder woman underwear (or penguin or superman underwear), under my fancy dress. Read into that!

• I really LOVE grappling. I love a bit of a challenge. Also, the takedown thing that someone showed me was so hot. I may need a volunteer to help me "practice." Then there was that primalish thing on the bed. Oh my. SO HOT. ALL OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME DROOL.

• I know my friends are awesome and amazing, but after this weekend, I love all of them a littttttle bit more. They are so much fun to hang out with. Brunch was amazing, as always.

• Laughter is healing. It is also a great way to calm down, after you were rudely woken up after only a few hours of sleep. Like delirious laughter with tears streaming down my face.

• I had one real scene the entire weekend. And then there was the scene where I was giving direction while laying in bed. Hehehe. Other than my amazing scene, I enjoyed talking with people the most. There isn't usually time to just hang out with kinky people (due to work/schedules/life) but since we were all at the same hotel for a few days, quality time happened. :-P

It's my kink-aversary.  Yayyy.  It's been a few interesting, learning years.  I have developed a ton.  YAYY.

I am frustrated.  I hate being in limbo.  The situation sucks.  I have to talk to JH about this, but that requires effort which I am not sure I am willing to give.  I can't be a clown and tell him over the internet as only lame people do that.  Plus, he's in the circle of people that I hang out with.  Ugh.  

I am fine with fwb with no rules and I am fine with trying to date him (although honestly, I am not sure he can handle me) but this limbo shit sucks.  I hate being tied down when I am not really tied down.  I got enough of being tied down a year ago.

Some interesting things happened last night.  Oh, my D people.  How I do love them.

It's amazing how different people have completely opposite views on a D/s dynamic.  I mean of course - it's like anything else.

I thought I was done with JH.  Turns out, it's possibly the beginning of a bumpy ride.  I don't know.  I guess I will just ride things out and see.  I was extremely happy after my evening at JH's house.  We had a lot of fun playing...I did a bit of predicament bondage and clothespins.  Something is slightly off. Perhaps my time alone on my drive will help.  I guess I will see.

I think I need to find my zen.  Not the person, but the feeling.  I think I am partying and hanging out too much and I just need a little time to myself.  I don't know.  I am exhausted all the time.  

I have decided to name the boy I have been hanging out with JH.  He and I have been hanging out a bit more, and I decided that even though he is a bit wild and free, I really enjoy him.  It's hard for me to swallow that he plays with others (and puts up pictures).  If he randomly told me one day that he was giving everyone up, I would happily do the same.  Until then, I shall keep my distance and just have fun in the moment.  I guess what I am saying is I want him to want to be loyal.  

The one following me and I had a long conversation.  What came out of it is the following:  we are both awesome.  he is a mess.  if anything does ever happen between us, it won't happen anytime soon.  We will just be friends and play partners.

I am not entirely sure I am looking for any new play partners, but I am trying to stay open. I guess it's hard for me to start something new with someone when I am still working on what I have.

I met someone pretty cool yesterday.  I enjoyed his company. 

I have awesome friends.  I am lucky.  

TFW - AMAZING.  What a great event.  I got there the day before (which was a really good decision even though not mine).  I had time to settle in.  My BG came on Friday.  SO MUCH FUN!  We went to a rough body play class.  I had no idea how much fun it was to beat on someone.  I bought some fun toys.  Played with my BG and got him to a happy place.  

I always appreciated my BG, but more so that I got to spend an extended amount of time with him.  He really is amazing.  I was telling another friend about how he sets the bar higher for EVERYONE else.  Basically since BG is amazing and always knows what I want before I ask, it makes it difficult for everyone else because I want them to be at LEAST half as awesome as he is.  Apparently that is hard to find!

He is so awesome, he took 1 hour of someone else's volunteer shift so she and I could go to an Afternoon tea together.  He OFFERED to do this.  I didn't even think of it.  Seriously, WOW.  That was awesome.  The Tea was SO MUCH FUN.  I sat at a table with some pretty amazing ladies.

V and 3 other ladies told me how helpful and awesome my BG is.  I guess I am just lucky.  <3

I did a primal wrestling thing with someone.  It was so much fun.  He thought I was going to not fight back.  HA.  Granted, right now my ribs HURT and it hurts to sneeze or cough or laugh.  But whatever!  It was fun!

I hope that Brimstone is this awesome and amazing.

Did I mention how much I adore and love my BG?

Today is my 31st birthday.  For some reason, I am not as excited as I used to be.  Hahaha.  That just means I am getting older.

I am all celebrated out.  I just want to sleep.  

The Bound Banquet (my kinky cocktail birthday party) was AMAZING on Sunday.  I had TONS of fun.  I tied myself to two cute boys and let them feed me.  :)  

I think we won a world record.  I got a new violet wand so we had 14 people simultaneously shocking each other.  It was sooo cool!  A friend brought out metal toys (claws, flogger and this metal cane like thing) and we played show and tell.

Altogether, an awesome night.  I was shocked that everyone that said they would come, did!  It was too bad that we had limited seating.  I didn't really invite anyone outright...they just kinda followed me and figured it out when I posted in my group about it.  Haha.  Gotta love the internets.

Alsooo, there is the boy that I have been hanging out with, and then the new boy that likes me and is following me.  I wish the boy I was hanging out with got the hint that he needs to step up his game.  I told him outright that he needs to use his phone and stop relying on seeing me online.  The boy that likes me and is following me left me a voicemail where he sung to me.  He also texts me once in a while to see how I am doing...or he will just call.  Fancy that!  Not using the internet to contact someone!  I love it and hate it!

Saturday night I went to a party with my fellow sillistress and the boy that likes me and follows me.  We had ropey and zappy fun!  

Must slow down soon.  I am the hotel liaison for a VERY large event coming next week!  It's a kink event.  Wooooo!  

It's dangerous when I am low on patience.  I just had that moment where someone who I always thought was a clown, proved themselves again.

I made a decision about where I am going with a boy.  After the melt down, it doesn't seem like something I was to pursue.  He's sweet, we have chemistry, and we play well together, but he is too casual about it.  We made rules for playing with others, because he wants to be able to play with his other 2 partners and not feel guilty about it.  Whatever.  Still missing the dedication of the other one.

I am starting to enjoy the single life.  Perhaps I should play more, and worry less.

I am SO DAMN EXCITED about going to TFW with my BG.  He and I will have a BLAST. 

As much as I love the non-stop, I need a break from the non-stop.  I am so tired.  After working crazy hours, followed by TES Fest, followed by a death in the family, I just feel like it's been go go go.  

I am currently enjoying sitting on the couch.  I need to get up in a few and get laundry done.  Ugh.  

In kink news, I've been hanging out with someone.  He's a bit on the open side of life which disturbs me slightly.  I didn't think I would reallllly miss the loyalty I once had from a boy, but apparently it's something awesome.

I have played more in the last 2 weeks than in months!  I think I broke a boys heart already.  I went to a party with said boy and ended up dropping the boy I have been hanging out with home.  Hahaha.  Hanging out boy and I played that night.  :-P

Hanging boy and I have dinner plans for Saturday.  Hmmmm.

If last night was an indication on how the rest of my week will be, I am going to be the happiest lady every.  P, my group, started out a B's house.  We had a few drinks out on his gazebo.  Eventually we made it out to the baseball game.  There we drank delicious beverages.  We talked through most of the game (so not into baseball hahaha) and then we saw the awesome fireworks show.  

After, we went back to B's house.  I didn't know that he would have his own fireworks show in his backyard.  Granted, he has 3 acres of land.  He had the best fireworks I have ever seen from a non-professional.  It was so cool to be so close to them.  He was running around setting them off which made me nervous.  Hahaha.

One of our members does fire poi and staff or whatever.  He put on a show for us which was awesome.  He had fire chucks?  I don't even know what it was called.  Either way, I got some amazing pictures.

After, six of us we went to the diner.  I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time.  I really love my group.  We are all so ridiculous.

It's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote.  That's because I am spending ALL OF MY TIME WORKING!!!!!  WTF?!?!?!?

A 12 - 15 hour day, every day, gets to you.  I felt lazy today because I only worked 12 and 1/2 hours.

I can't wait to see half of my paycheck go to taxes.  That will be fun.

In other news, I have a fun coming weekend.  There is a hotel and a sweet boy that likes rope included in this weekend.  I will be in the city, working.  Hahaha.

I can't wait to see my friends again.  I haven't really seen anyone in a few weeks. 

Last night was kinda awesome.  I attended a party in Jersey with my young P people.  I brought a cute boy.  It was great.  All kinds of people there.  I tied up the boy a few times and he put on a show for me.  Awesome times.

I love my lack of detail and jazz hands.  Oh yes.  There were jazz hands.

Things of the universe!  Why are you messing with my head?  There is a very sweet electric boy who I wasn't so nice to.  I think I upset him.  :(

Work is consuming my life.  I am taking a quick break to try and clear my head.

Tomorrow I host another meet.  There was someone there that gave me a LOT of negative feedback.  Of course he has RSVP'd as a maybe.

I really enjoy having a positive attitude.  It's so difficult when my head is not there.  Perhaps some sleep will do me good.

Unfulfilled fantasies are annoying.  I hate it when someone gets your hopes up and then they let you down.

There are days I can handle stupidity, and there are days when I want to cut a bitch.  You know, said like a true Yonkers person.  

I attended a rope thing on sunday and then hosted a meetup after at a diner.  It was a lot of fun.  Everyone was on their best behavior.  I taught 2 people new at rope basic single and double column ties.  I think I am a TERRIBLE teacher, but they both had nothing but wonderful things to say about me.  They were both sweet boys.  :)  I shall continue teaching.  

I wish there was an ANTI CREEP BUTTON.  You know.  That would be cool.  Hahaha.  BG is trying to set me up with a boy.  The boy and I are going to hang out - it's at a fancy brunch place.  I am beyond excited.  Someone who feeds (HA) into my foodie-ness!  WOO!

The last newbie and I had a bit of a.... disagreement.  I am not sure what I want with him.  He is really cool and fun, but something about him....

I am enjoying the "smorgasbord," tasting, putting back, nibbling.  :-)  Thanks big sister.

So hot in here.  I must get out and do something fun.  I like fun.  Fun needs to happen.  Perhaps I will go for an adventure...

Sooooo, it was certainly an interesting meetup.  All the people that made me TOTALLY uncomfortable were there all at once in the beginning.  Then they all left and all the awesome people POURED in.  There was mead, there was laughter and ridiculousness.

It's funny, I am so over trying to find a sub/relationship.  The offers are increasing.  I think the more I reject the idea, the more I get.

The whole moderator/leader thing is kinda fun, but then you have to deal with the real weirdos.  I wish that I could pick and choose the members.  Perhaps if I start a kink cult....

I think I have learned something new about myself.  I am not as into kink parties as I once was.  I have the most fun talking to kinky people in a vanilla setting or being somewhere private playing with other kinky people that are friends.  Went to a party last night with a newbie (hehehe).  The party was at paddles and it was definitely on the beige side of life.  I felt like I was watching a few scenes from 50 Shades of Grey.  You know...fuzzy cuffs and feather duster "floggers." 

So, about the newbie - he is adorable.  An absolute sweetheart.  He even seems sane!  Fancy that!  (Is this even possible???)  He's not socially awkward.  Best of all, he's LOCAL!  Whoa.  

One day and step at a time.

I am hosting a fun meetup on Wednesday at a cafe.  Rockland County people (or Westchester people), I am looking at you!  Get in touch!  Dom/me, sub, slave, switch, doesn't matter.  We have a fun group.

It's funny.  Some people are all about finding a Domme or a sub on this site.  I am all about that too, but also interacting with the kinky community.  Yes, it's fun to have someone to play with ALL THE TIME, but for me, it's also fun to have friends that you can hang out with and talk about kinky stuff.  Also, some times it's fun to go to kink parties when you can enjoy being an exhibitionist.  It's fun to learn things from others, and to come up with new ideas.

Vanilla weekend in Vermont.  It was pretty.  I saw a moose!!!!!!  It was HUGE!  I wish I had my phone with me.  It was one of those things where a neighbor banged on the door and we went running so we didn't miss it.  

To make up for my vanilla weekend, I am attending 2 munches this week, and going to a rope class and possibly taking a new girl to a party.  Haha.  

I get my car back tomorrow.  Yay!

Sooo, I am okay-ish but got into a car accident early Friday morning.  It's kinda lame.  My car is in driving condition now, but was all kinds of jacked up in the accident.  Needless to say, I am not really in the mood to drive anywhere.  Blah.  At least everyone is okay and my back and neck are only a little sore.

I was planning on going to a party tonight with princess.  Booo.  That is not happening.  

Andddd the propositions start to flow in again.  Oh life, you are so funny!  You take away the two boys I control and in exchange you give me a Dom/sub couple that seems to be SUPER into playing/other things with me.  And new AWESOME friends (YAY NOE), closer to my age.  You bring back the one that I am gaga over, but you make me less attracted to him.  Then you have him disappoint me again so I push him away and give up on him.  You let me give this other one another chance - this will make or break it.  I don't have high hopes.  It's okay though.  I think no matter what decisions I make, I will be having fun.

Hakuna matata - my life is fucking awesome.  :)

So, last night's boring day (even more so at the HORRIBLE kink party I went to) turned into something sort of fantastic, horrible, awesome, depressing and great night.  I ended up talking to this random guy at the party for a few hours which was good.  Then the group I wanted to meet up with arrived.  That's when things got interesting.  I tied up a new friend.  It wasn't a usual rope scene.  It was more of a "tie her up and she ran off" kind of scene.  It was fineeeee.  The party was so horrible that after a little while, me and the group decided to leave and go to a bar.  That's when things got horrible, and awesome.  I knew one of the guys in the group from vanilla life.  He and I were trying to figure it out for some time.  Turns out, he is my ex boyfriend's brother.  This was horrible to realize.  One of the ladies that I was with saw it on my face that his brother was veryyyyy special to me.  I can't say that I have dated many vanilla boys that I actually am still passionate about. Anyway, so telling him that I dated is brother was soooo awkward.  Oh man.  He remembered me.  We agreed to never discuss WHY we saw each other again.  

As the night went on, we had more and more fun, telling ridiculous stories and enjoying each other's company.  I laughed so hard my face and stomach hurt.  We were sitting in a hotel lobby (where there was a bar).  There were 3 ladies (including me) and 1 guy (exbf bro).  Some guy came up to us and asked, "hey are you getting ready to have a 4-some."  Exbf Bro, without hesitation said, something to the effect of these are my sisters. The guy said something else and went into the elevator.  10 minutes later, we see him in the elevator again, looking out at us.  HYSTERICAL.  I enjoyed the "elders" immensely.  Perhaps one day I will join their group and be a moderator.

Someone I met last night propositioned me - sounds like a good time.  Wooooo.

This has certainly been an interesting few days.  Made dinner for vanilla friends yesterday, and then went to a munch.  Everyone at the munch was super nice and fun.  I guess the group leader liked me so much that they asked me to be a moderator.  Woo!  As a side note, I totally have the hots for one of the people there.  It's one of those people I would NOT tell I have the slightest interest.  It's rare that I am instantly attracted to someone like that...the kind where you do a double take because something is so striking about them.  DROOL.  Haha.

My darling rope model called me today because he is having a bit of a challenge.  Due to his relationship, he and I kind of fell out of touch, but today reminded me of why we connected so well.  We have been friends since we met in college.  I understand how he feels and why he feels that way.  I understand (and also do the same) in processing things.  He told me I was the first one he wanted to talk to.  Very sweet of him.

The moon is beautiful tonight.  Even though I was listening to my dear's sad feelings, it was peaceful looking at the moon.  

I am still looking for my "golden boy," despite having a few play partners.  It would be awesome to have one play partner that can fulfill (mostly) everything.  It's almost like sewing a bunch of patches together, instead of having a solid piece of fabric.  Yes, this patch covers x and this patch covers z, but i'd rather have one big piece that covers many of the letters.

A D/s dynamic for me is so much more than getting all hot and heavy with someone.  It's about a strong connection.  It's about sharing things with that person.  It's about growing with someone.  It's about exploring.  It's easy to find a connection, but difficult to find what I am looking for.  

I love kink filled weekends.  Friday was a delicious and fun munch, Saturday was suspension class and today princess came over.

On Friday, I met a girl who is new to the scene.  I don't know why, but I always want to protect new sub girls.  She was so sweet and seemed like so much fun.  The food was fantastic.  YAY!

Saturday was totally exhausting and fun.  I self suspended twice and suspended the instructor who I have been learning from for 5 years and she liked it (dream, fulfilled).  What a trip!  I am starting to really get it.  I desperately need a hard point in my place so I can practice.  After that, I hung out with my (vanilla) best friend and was still in toppy space for the rest of the day.  Haha.

Today was fun with princess.  He made me spreader bars which are awesome.  He also was a handy man and put up this mail holder thing (I tried to do it but it was WAY too difficult) while in stilettos and a spreader bar.  

I need more weekends filled with kink.  

One of these days I am going to start my own munch.  

I wrote a really long entry about gratitude.  Then I somehow lost the entry.  Oh well.

When I asked how to find zen, Zen told me to find my zen within.

There is a former submissive on here that is a vendor for the place I work.  He had to call me for something.  So weird to hear his voice.  Funnel love!  Hahaha.

I heard from someone I was thinking about (as I was thinking about him).  I feel terrible he is suffering, but I was so glad to hear his voice.

Sometimes things in life are not perfect, but they are so trivial compared to other things.  I am reminded of this when I think about the 3 weeks I spent, traveling around Africa (for work).  We have so many resources here and take so much for granted. 

Life is good.  It should be appreciated more.

I could definitely use some positive energy.  And to be around people that have a positive outlook on life.  And zen-like people.  Oh, and love.  And good stimulation.  Maybe a cute sub boy on the floor for good measure.  That always makes me smile.

I like it when awesome news comes after not so awesome news.  Looks like I am gong to a wedding in September or October in Amsterdam!!!!!  YAYYYYYYY!  My darling friends got engaged.  I am so excited for them!

I wonder if this will be another year of weddings.  I already know of 2.  Last year I went to more than 5 weddings.   That was insane.

I can't wait to cook later.  I wonder what I am making.... 

FUCK!

Oh well.  

Once in a while, there is a moment where I miss the vanilla things that happen in a relationship.  I would not consider a strictly vanilla relationship ever again (as I need the D/s), but sometimes, it's nice to do sweet things with a boy....like cuddle and cute things like that.  Maybe I should lower my standards.  HAHAHA.  Just kidding!

I am off OKC again.  Ugh.  The whole OKC thing doesn't work for me.  Well, on vanilla sites at least.  Strangely enough, I have met some pretty amazing people on here..CM.  Go figure!  I guess it's hard to distinguish who is going to be awesome and who will be a waste of time.  It would be fantastic if there was a filtering system.  

So delicious.  What a fantastic evening (yesterday) and earlier day today.  I had the electric boy over.  He laid under my bed while I slept for a few hours. The poor boy was suffering while under my bed so I told him to move next to my bed.   Haha.  I adore his shock collar.  It really makes me smile.  I am looking forward to exploring more with him.  

I think I am starting to understand the difference between a sub and a slave.  I have only had subs before so I never understood the concept of a slave.  Totally different world.  I think I really like it.  I love intensity, so perhaps.....

For some reason, I have no patience today.  It could be the 14 hour work day I had.  I am in the mood to have someone do EVERYTHING for me, without being asked, and then cuddled.  Haha.

Someone mysteriously got me a cooking magazine subscription (my best friend thinks it was my ex).  I know I can call them and ask, but I am almost afraid to know.  It's not like many people have my address.  The funny part is its "Every Day with Rachael Ray."  I dislike that woman with a passion.  I hate when she says EVOO or Yummo.  On the other hand, I LOVE this magazine.  So many delicious looking recipes.  

I want to torture a boy soon.  Maybe after this week is over.

Quality vs. Quantity.

For me, quality is sooo much more important than quantity in a D/s dynamic.  It's not difficult to find someone to play with.  It's difficult to find an intense connection.  I know it takes time to build, but I don't find most people patient enough to get there.  They just want to play and get off.  I get along with most people (except those who are pushy and top from the bottom), so it's not a matter of that either.

I found that I can be happy with either one partner or a few - depends.  I'd like to find one special boy.  Perhaps I have found him and I don't know it yet.  Time will tell.  :-)

My BG brought me my favorite girl scout cookies and a new toy.  Clearly he knows the way to my heart.  Hahahaha.  I had 5 mins of fun of torturing him with the new toy.

It's so funny how people come out of the woodwork sometimes.  I like it when people I have talked to extensively want to "get to know" me.  I guess I wasn't memorable enough the first time.  Hahahaha.

Today was a 12 hour day.  Ugh.  I though I would be out early.  I wish there was a boy here, waiting to massage me.  Oh well.  Maybe one day.  Definitely one day.  :-)

So, I am controlling "something" that bg does, and another boy just asked to me control the same thing.  Funny?  I think so.  

I keep getting messages about my "something awesome."  I don't know how to explain it so most people would understand, but it's more than just a happy feeling.

It's really hard to keep calm and collected when there is electricity running through your blood.  Or someone else's.

So much fun yesterday at my sister's house, as we plotted.  :-)  Or something haha.

Tonight's results:  something awesome.  So glad I waited years.  :-D

Why is nobody awake?  I need to tell someone about this "something awesome!!!" 

:-) 

Let's see what tonight brings....something crazy or something awesome.  One never knows.

It's been a few years.  Was going to see the BG tonight but something has been keeping us from seeing each other.  Hmmmmm.  

Life has been....interesting lately.  I was talking to someone about having multiple subs and stuff like that.  He asked me sweetly if I would consider him to be a part of that.  :)  He and i also talked about spending an entire weekend together and doing a weekend of play.  That could also be fun.  Not fully sure about it, but whatever.  I like my non-decisions.  

I will eventually get used to this whole, "I am all over the place" thing I have going on.  A few years ago, I had no issue.  Am I getting old?  Haha.

Watching Hoarding: Buried Alive.  Oh man.  I need to clean everything. 

You know, now that I really think about it, I don't really need a relationship with a D/s aspect.  It's ideal in the long run, but not absolutely necessary right now.  Maybe one of my dear friends is right.  Enjoy the moment right now, and if I am enjoying what I am doing, keep going.  If the fun stops, enjoy what happened.

As I mentioned I played with someone last night.  It was a TON of fun.  I also had fun negotiating what we would do.  I think I would be okay with play with people I trust.  Hmm.  What a concept.  I may need to rethink things. 

What a night.  Ropey fun time.  I like tying cute boys.  The vibe of the party was a little clique-y, but to be expected with a TNG age group.  I tied, I taught, but sadly did not torture.  It was fun.  

Weee.

There are very few people in my life that know how to make me laugh hysterically.  My dear friend Justin is one of them.  I always tell him about who I am dating or talking to.  I usually give him a summary.  He tells me if he thinks they are good enough.  He is always right.  Hahaha.  I kinda wish he would combine skills with BG and they would teach a class.  Oh man.  Justin on etiquette, being smooth, and winning me over.  He is one of the few people that I guess understands the "core" of me.  Like the part that only very close friends and lovers know.

"I AM NOT CASUAL ABOUT ROPE.  EVER!!!!" - Me talking to my friend about a guy who was being coy about being tied up.

Hahaha. 

I think I have been playing lightly lately because I am seeking "the connection."  

Sometimes people do things that make me cringe.  I am sure they are totally innocent, but seriously?

I am just getting over a stomach bug.  It was MISERABLE. 

I feel like I keep repeating this, but in any type of D/s dynamic, you need TRUST.  As in the submissive needs to trust me and I need to trust him/her.  Why does this seem so obvious to me, and not to others???

What a morning!  I almost wrote a rant about the events that occurred, but decided to wait and calm down a bit first.

When I tell people that honesty and trust are the most important things to me, it's because I mean it.  I generally don't spend hours talking to people, driving 2 hours to see them and really getting to know them.  When someone disappears and is suddenly "in a relationship," it really makes me wonder how honest they were.  Today I got the whole, "I am sorry I vanished," story.  And then the bomb, "I loved you."  SERIOUSLY?????  That was totally out of the blue.  I trusted him when we were talking.  He was  I had to think about how to handle this situation.  People who are dishonest and don't tell me they are seeing their ex do not belong in my life.  I asked him (nicely!) to not contact me again.

Karma sucks.  I am doing my best to always be on the good side.   

Curious about what meeting the princess will bring.  He seems cool from a vanilla and bdsm perspective.  I guess we will see.

I still haven't written or text messaged the newbie.  He said a few things which I wasn't thrilled about.  Over it.  Hahahaha.

I enjoy taking things slow.  Sometimes people get the misconception that I have to start off by showing my "dominance."  That's a load of garbage.  I'd rather be trusted first and build from there.  For me, it makes it more fun.  Plus, I prefer to know the whole person first.  You know, not just the submissive side.

Oh man.  Met up with the newbie.  My head is spinning.  I had such an awesome time and I am so frustrated.  I don't like that I am his dirty secret.  Then again, he is sooo awesome and we have so much in common.  Ugh. 

Ahhh, a fantastic weekend.  Saw lots of kinky people, did a few kinky things, and had fun.

I feel like I am not playing as much as I could be (because I am not) but for now, it's okay.  I am coming up on 3 months of a new chapter so maybe I am still adjusting.

I am really oblivious sometimes.  There is a guy who I have been talking to for a while now and I recently found out he is interested in being a play partner.  I guess all the "conceptual" ideas we had to play together are things he is serious about.  Duhhh.  We will see about that one.  

I am starting to get over the idea of teaching the newbie.  If our latest plan doesn't pan out, then I am gonna move on.  Usually I am a 3 strike kind of a person, unless I have nothing to base it on.  Since I met him already, he gets the 3 strikes.

So I am suddenly in control of things that I never expected to be in control of with my BG.  I can see him blushing as he reads this.  Hehehe.

I've gotta make it through the next two weeks with work.  It's going to be rough.  I will get it done!

This is most unusual.  I am getting a TON of messages from people who live reallllly far away.  That's not going to happen.

I haven't seen the newbie.  It seems like life keeps getting in the way - either that or the universe is making it so we can't see each other yet for some reason.  Maybe he is not fully ready to learn yet.  Or maybe I am not ready to teach him.  He asked me a few questions over text which I am not sure how to explain because it's different for every one.  I explained my view.  I asked a sub his opinion.  I feel like I need more answers.  

If you'd be so kind, feel free to send a message and answer these questions:  Is BDSM always purely sexual for you?  If not, how would you explain it?  If so, how do you handle being at a play party where there are rules?  How does "playing" make you feel?

Of course some of it is sexual, but when I am at a public party with a friend, it's obviously not gonna be a sexy time happy ending kind of deal.  Plus, I am not the type to have sexy time with friends anyway.

I love Ropey Fun Time!  Especially when it's learning cool things like learning how to suspend.  It's actually not as intimidating as it seems but of course, there is risk involved.

Contemplating on going to a party tonight or just staying home and watching old episodes of  the Batman TV Show.  POW!  BAM!  Ohhh, Batman and Robin did a shitty job of tying up Penguin.  Perhaps I may be able to give them a few pointers.  Hahaha.

One of my vanilla ex's (we will call him S) contacted me recently.  He asked if I had tied up anyone recently.  This brought back memories of one fine autumn day a few years ago.  S came to my place.  We were talking about things and I told him that I started tying boys up.  He didn't believe me.  I tied him up (but made it so he could escape - didn't tie him tightly).  He LOVED it.  Then got out.  So I tied him up again.  This time he couldn't escape. He thought it was so hot and told me that I would be the only person he would ever allow to tie him.  Fast forward to yesterday.  He and I are texting back and forth and he asks about being tied again.  Then he asked about going to a party.  Honestly, out of all the vanilla people I know, I think he would make an EXCELLENT kinky person.  Oh man.  I'd love to have him out there, playing with people.  I think he would absolutely love it.  Then there is his whole girlfriend situation.  Fantasy ruined.  :(  Hahaha, it's okay.  Maybe one day.

A few years ago, I wanted to convert as many (awesome) open-minded friends as possible.  I managed to get a few people into it.  I am not longer on a mission.  I shall simply tell them what I do, and if they want more, perhaps I will bring them in.

It's funny, I was talking to someone earlier and they told me that I don't take myself seriously as a dominant person.  That is correct.  I don't feel the need to be the domly-ist domme.  I like having fun.  Things get intense and serious sometimes but I don't mind being silly and playful.  For me, life is about enjoying the moment and having fun.

I figured it out!  I figured out how I am going to have the perfect submissive guy.  Once I find a guy that has potential, I will have my BG teach him about me.  This class, called "Training a boy for Miss Rouge" will have topics including but not limited to:

"How not to annoy Miss Rouge with constant IM's or text messages"

"How to play it cool and not be a creep"

"How to be helpful and a gentleman when hanging out with Miss Rouge"

"What does Miss Rouge like?  How can I make her smile and giddy?"

"What kind of bread does Miss Rouge like?  How does she feel about corn syrup?"

"Is Miss Rouge a real person?"

"Does Miss Rouge really have Red Rouge Rope?"

"How do I become a vanilla gentleman in public but Miss Rouge's bitch in private?"  (This one was suggested by my BG - he's so good) 

Unfortunately, my BG cannot teach you to cook the way I do, but that's okay.  I like to be in control of the cooking anyway.  

♥  :-P  ♥

Tee hee!

I wish I was snowed in with a play partner.  It would be so much fun....an excuse for HOURS of play, and cooking and eating and more playing.  Said play partner would also be my kitchen (bitch) assistant.  Why doesn't anyone kinky live within walking distance?  Actually, I bet there is someone - I have to find them, or they have to figure it out.

Anywayyyy.  I recently started craving playing again.  As soon as I can get my BG over here, he is getting tied up and tortured.  Yes, that is a threat.  :-P  Hahaha, I am all over the place.

I have been hanging out with people recently that I have absolutely no interest in.  It's terrible, really.  I went out with this 27 year old guy who was so full of himself.  It was kinda awesome.  He was cute but the entire time, he felt it was necessary to remind me that he was really hot.  I am not sure if he knew it, but looks are not everything and it's unnecessary to remind me that you are attractive.  I guess he had a good time because he wanted to hang out again.  I politely declined. 

There are a few others that keep asking to play.  Not really interested.

I am obsessed with the idea of teaching the newbie everything.  He is either only sort of interested in learning or he plays the game really well.  He writes to me every few days, which drives me crazy.  I will win this.  He wrote to me last night and I have been able to restrain myself from writing back.  I guess I am so trained to respond to things immediately (due to my job).  Ugh.  Have you ever met "you" in the other gender?  Yeah, that's him.  He's me a few years ago, when I was still scared of BDSM.  He's also me, before I broke out of my shell and stopped caring what people think.

I often "click" with boys, but it's a bit more rare when I am interested in them and like them.

On a more positive note, I am reading again, and trying to take time for me.  I look forward to the day when I feel the way I did a few Saturdays ago....

Breathe in, breathe out.  

Ever meet someone that is conceptually perfect, but there is that one thing?  I know relationships are about compromise, but there are some compromises I am not willing to make.

I realized that I am not a "by the books" player.  I have played with someone who is, and it's a total trip for me.  

Wednesday, I met this really adorable guy who is curious about the scene.  He said cute things like, "the person in control" and "people that like to get hurt."  So cute!  I met him on OKC (go figure) and something about the way he wrote to me made me want to sit and talk to him.  That was exactly what I did.  It's strange, because everything we talked about we had in common.  Even really weird stuff.  

Thursday I spent with my BG.  I love that I can tell him anything and he won't judge me.  I also love that I can torture him.  It's like 2 for the price of 1.  :)  Not to mention that it's totally great when we go do vanilla things.

Totally topped a Dom!  What a thrill.  Even more thrilling is he wants me to top him again.  

Holy crazy kinky weekend.  Friday night fun with kinky people, Saturday day and evening fun.  Yayyyy!

Saturday day I hung out with a friend.  We talked for a while, went for a walk and then decided it would be ropey fun time.  He and I generally don't stop talking, but he got very quiet when I started.  Tee hee.  Anyway, it was cool to see him start to fall into subspace.  I love watching it - it's such a special intimate moment.  It got me really into it.  I caressed his face, which he seemed to really like.  To bring him back, I grabbed his nipples and twisted, till he started to bend his knees.  SO HOT.  It was a great fun experience.  :-D  

I went to dinner shortly after this.  I was still in top space, so the people I went to dinner with saw me in my giddy happy place.  They were so encouraging.  It was wonderful. 

Later on, we went to a party.  What a mess of a party.  There were really fun people, but there was a drunk vanilla girl who was out of control.  I played with a stranger which was a bit of a mindfuck for me.  It was fun.  :-)

I wish I could have more play filled weekends like this.  Oh, and sexy kinky people around as well.  Ha!

I love a fun evening with fellow kinksters.  It started out as a munch, then ended up at a local ice cream shop.  I haven't laughed that much in a while.  I am actually still laughing.

Awww, I think it's really sweet and cute that some of you actually read my journal.  I feel loved!

I am a bit torn about a situation involving long distance. Is this something to go forward with?  There are so many challenges and "strikes against it," but I almost feel like I am not giving it a fair chance.

I think a more brilliant idea is to just stop searching.  :-)  Makes it much easier.  If things are meant to be, then they will be.

With that said, I shall change my profile. 

End dramatics.  :-P

Don't you hate it when you really want to hear back from someone but you don't, but the one you are really not interested in writes you 50,000 messages?

So I am on OKC (bad decision, I know) again.  I am not sure why I am really on there.  I need to go out and meet people instead of hiding behind my computer and talking to people who hide behind their computer because they are scared.  Most the dudes there are looking for a hook up and when they figure out I am kinky, they want me to be on top.  Yes, because kink is ONLY about the girl being on top in sex.  HA.

I was writing back and forth with someone about submission recently.  He told me all the things he wants me to do to him.  Yes, it's fun to have a list of things of 50 things that you want a Domme to do to you.  You can have ALL of those fantasies and more fulfilled by a Pro-Domme!  That is what they do - you tell them what you want and they deliver. I, on the other hand, want something a bit more meaningful.

I'll put the claws away now.

Some sass for your Wednesday evening....

I still haven't figured out why I rejoined, but I am back on OKC.  I have not so subtle hints that I am a kinky person in my profile.  Today I was messaging back and forth with someone.  I have somewhat standard questions, just to find out where the other person is. I asked him how long he was into it and if he had any experience.  I won't go into the terrible details, but let's just say that I gave him my perspective on that.  Poor boy.  Maybe I should put a disclaimer that I am really mean to people who are even slight unrealistic or may have fantasies that should remain as just that.  

ANYWAY.  Fantasy vs. realty.  Seems to be coming up a lot lately.  If you are new to this sort of thing, great!  I am not an expert, but I understand people enough to get by.  As someone put it, being locked up in a cage 365 days in a row is not so realistic*.  Sounds hot.  Not gonna work.  Written in a sexy story, totally hot and totally a fantasy.  We all have lives outside of kink, and there is a time and place for everything.  

*Showering is important...you can't quite shower if you are locked in a cage.  Smelly stinky boy=end of fantasy.  :(  Hahahaha.

I kind of enjoy rejecting people.  By people, I generally mean very attractive guys that know they are attractive and think they can have whatever they want.  Most of the time I suffer a little, but it's so worth it to me.  Sometimes hot people in this lifestyle think that after a little play they will be able to either have sex with me or get off.  NOT SO MUCH.  :-D

I think suffering is REALLY HOT.  For example, one of my friends is not into pain (I am pretty sure that 90% of people tell me they are not into pain).  He lets me hit him with things or pinch him or whatever.  It makes me super happy and giddy. He enjoys my reactions so  he doesn't seem to really mind what I do.  Back to suffering.  I love it when someone is willing to suffer for me.  I am not sure why it is so hot, but it just does something for me. So delicious...

I have a slight case of the blahs.  Lame.  I should be overjoyed.  Met a very cute and sassy boy today.  It's a shame that he doesn't live closer.

I really want to play.  I imagine that it would be easy to play with x random guy, but I really want the intimacy.  I have a connection with friends, but don't want to necessarily kiss them.  Hahaha.  Ohhh, as I write this, there is a commercial for eHarmony haha.  I imagine that (after marriage) there is intimacy, but I am sure it would be vanilla and boring.

I have decided that vanilla is out of the question and a deal breaker.  The end.

Oh people.  Is it really that hard to read?  There is a reason why I have an age requirement.  I know that people say age is just a number, but I would like to have a sub that I can relate to.  Yes, I can relate to people older than me.  I think it's more of a life experience thing.  Or something!  Why am I trying to reason with my journal?!?!?  Hahaha.

A 60 year old person may understand where a 30 year old is, but a 30 year old may not understand where a 60 year old is.  They are at different stages of their life.

Anyway.  I am really enjoying this year so far.  Maybe soon I will share it with the awesome boy that I am looking for.  Maybe I will just have fun, and enjoy different people.  Either way, I am looking forward to it.  

What a great day.  A friend came over, we made Chicken Cordon a la Rouge (my variation on Chicken Cordon Bleu) and buckeyes.  We had so much fun.  It would be great fun to cook for more kinky people (as long as they cleaned up).  Also, I wish everyone was as helpful as my friend.  Hehehe.  

Lots of fun kink events coming up soon - really looking forward to them.

This year is going to be awesome.  So far, enjoying the single life...and seeing what is out there.  Gonna enjoy the ride.  :-)  I will embrace life and all the wonderful things in it.  

I have had fun this year so far hanging out with kinky people.  I have decided that I need local kinky friends. Not necessarily for playing, but for more general fun, and being myself around.  

Every Christmas I watch A Christmas Story over and over.  PINK NIGHTMARE!  I don't know why, but I just love it.  It has been a bittersweet Christmas.  I am lucky to have awesome people in my life.  

The search for a boy is a bit challenging.  It seems that online, people are perfect, but then when you meet them or talk to them, not always so much.  I have had a few very interesting experiences thus far.

I went on a date with a very nice vanilla boy.  He is open minded to it, but he doesn't understand the passion and intensity of BDSM.  I just can't do vanilla.  It's a shame that not everyone is able to experience the awesomeness of this lifestyle.  I have gotten a few people interested in it, but I honestly think it comes from within (if that even makes sense).

I would generally write about someone that I am talking to that I am finding very interesting, however he may read this.  Hahaha, he might like that.  Therefore, I shall just mention that I am thinking about it.  :)

On my old profile, I shared my experiences about my former boy in my journal.  On my way home today, I was thinking about everything I had, and how lucky I felt having it.  I feel like I am finally ready to share myself again, of course with "the right person."  By the way, when people write "the right woman" or  "the right person," I cringe.  Of course, you want to be with the right person.  

Maybe i'll stop looking.  That's usually when someone awesome comes along.  :)

There is a really hot contractor at work that I totally fantasize about being submissive.  Today, at the coffee shop, after our party, he was leaning over the counter with his bottom sticking out slightly.  I wished for a moment that I was behind him, making him dance with the sting of my cane.  And nooo, I didn't write this in hopes that he is submissive, on this website, and reading this.  As I walked out, I made it a point to say goodnight to him, even though that is only the second time I have ever spoken to him.

Even though I am looking for more of the D/s & vanilla type of relationship, I wish that I had a domestic servant.  I don't want to clean.  I will happily cook but cleaning up is not something that i want to do.

As one of my dear friends wrote to me, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.  This frog kissing process is SO LAME.  Oh man.  

It's always strange when you talk to someone for a few days and they seem to be completely awesome.  Then they get weird and all they want to talk about is D/s.  Yes, that's fun to talk about but again, it's a PART of my life, not my whole life.  There is so much more out there, like learning new things, helping others, growing as a person, etc etc. 

So here I am again.  Oh my.

I went to my first rope class in about a year.  It was wonderful to pick it up again.  It's like muscle memory.  

My lovely rope model/college friend/former assistant was with me.  It's awesome when you have a friend who loves to be bound because it relaxes him.  It doesn't make sense to me that rope is relaxing, but whatever works.  It's also great to have a friend that you can be yourself with.  Best part is, I can tell him all the gory details of the things I do, and he tells me his crazy stories.  <3