"Subs Who Don't Respect No"

 Author: thepeacockangel.tumblr.com

This isn’t a subject that is tackled a lot, due in part to kink culture’s tending to close ranks under critique (in many cases understandably, considering how we’re treated by the outside world) but we need to be able to discuss where our culture falls prey to the same pitfalls as the outside world.

There has been a lot more discussion of dominants violating consent/not practicing good consent, but what’s so often left out of the picture is that dominants can have their consent violated too. Somehow the “dominant” “in control” role dominants play during BDSM interaction tends to make people forget that we’re people and we also have boundaries, that we’re not immune to pressure, or guilt tripping or even threats of physical violence if we don’t "Perform."

I am a professional dominant, I am socially perceived as a woman. I’ve had this problem A LOT. I’ve had dudes demand I explain my boundaries give them an answer to WHY I’m unwilling to fulfill whatever part of their fantasy I’m unwilling to perform.

“Why can’t I touch you above the knee?”
“Why don’t you do strap-on?”

“Why don’t you allow sexual contact?”

“Why don’t you do dildo training?”

“Why can’t I see you naked?”

Why don’t I do this or that or the other thing that I don’t do that they want. These are guys that don’t make it past screening if it comes out early enough. There have been guys who intentionally violate my consent in the hopes of getting me mad so I’ll hurt them worse (Pro-tip: I will kick you out before your time is up if you try this, and keep your money, because you broke the rules). I have had dudes persist in trying to wheedle me into performing whatever act they want, and even after they’ve accepted my “no” insist on talking about asking invasive questions about my personal life, about whether the sex I have with my boyfriend falls into their little fantasy scenario

“Do you use a strap-on on him?”

“None of your fucking business.”

Because it’s not, once I’ve said no, it’s off the table. I think these dudes assume that because I’m the “dominant” in the interaction, whatever they want to do is cool, because after all I’m still “dominant” and thus incapable of experiencing a violation of consent.

Being submissive is not an excuse, you still have to respect no, and practice good consent.

A Quick Guide to Whether a Woman Owes You Something

Dude: I want to know if a woman owes me something.

Guide: Well, did you enter into a loan contract with a woman, providing her with goods or money that has not yet been returned?

Dude: No.

Guide: Hmm. Well, do you have some other contractual agreement to provide goods or services in exchange for a compensation that has not yet been made?

Dude: No.

Guide: It doesn't sound like a woman owes you something.

Dude: What if I sent her a private message on this web forum we both post at.

Guide: Ah. She doesn't owe you shit.

Dude: Well, what if I sent her a message on a dating site. That's just rude to ignore.

Guide: She doesn't owe you shit.

Dude: Isn't it just common courtesy to write a detailed explanation of why she won't respond favorably to me after I've messaged her five times?

Guide: She doesn't owe you shit.

Dude: What if we go on a date and I buy her dinner...

Guide: Doesn't owe you shit.

Dude: Or if we've been dating a few months, and...

Guide: Doesn't owe you shit.

Dude: Well, how about we're married and I'm in the mood...

Guide: She. Doesn't. Owe. You. Shit.

Dude: Shouldn't I at least be entitled to some sort of...

Guide: Don't owe you shit.

Dude: Well, I don't think that's very decent.

Guide: She still won't owe you shit.

Why do submissives think that receiving service is sexually arousing? That it makes me dripping wet to have some idiot licking my feet?

I'm supposed to be aroused by your powerlessness and humiliation?

No.

You clearly don't understand anything. Any rush I get is pure adrenaline. The intoxicant of power. Sure, what you get out of it makes your dick hard. Don't think for one second that you are any sort of sexual stimulus to me.

You want to believe that your debasement turns me on. Here's a hint: it doesn't. Unless you're actually physically stimulating me, you do nothing for me. And I don't let random  begging men put their tongues all over my vulva. Direct sexual stimulation is reserved for men in my life who are a rung above you. To hope otherwise is to be seriously misguided.

I like beating you because it's an outlet for me. I like humiliating you because you still adore me even after being degraded. That is amusing and fun, in the same way that going to a movie is enjoyable. It has nothing to do with my genitalia.

Subs and slaves who get all of their knowledge and expectation from femdom videos are bound to be disappointed and a disappointment.

Submissives and slaves contact me in general looking for a D/s relationship or wanting to be owned. I do not want that kind of commitment. I enjoy being served, but I don't have time for a sub who demands a lot of attention. I'm not in a position to own someone or be in constant, daily contact with him.

I generally want to be compensated for my time. Domination is hard work, and takes a lot of time and effort. Submissives often don't appreciate the legwork that goes into it.

This should be an extravagance, and you should treat it as such. For most men, a session with me is the fulfillment of a lifelong fantasy, or a once-in-a-lifetime experience. If you can't afford to spend time with me, save up for a few months and then talk to me again. You don't walk into a five-star restaurant and just order an appetizer and a water. Don't walk in the door unless you're ready for the experience and prepared to pay for it.

Sessions with me are custom-tailored, and I provide an extremely specialized service. I don't know why it's okay to expect that for free or to be angry at women who ask for tribute in return. The same way you expect to pay handsomely for a hand-crafted artisan piece of furniture, so too should you understand that quality deserves compensation.

If you're "above that" or "I don't pay for play," then we don't have the same understanding of Domination as an art.

I have references who will give glowing recommendations of how I've fulfilled deep and long-held fantasies and put them in transformative subspace. If you don't think I'm worth it, that's fine; my play partners know better. Please respect me enough to understand that I don't want to IM humiliating things to you while you masturbate to my picture.