Due to events beyond my control Sir CBS will remain my friend and mentor. So, NO he will not pursue ownership...

So, i have been using my cell to stay in contact with friends and meet new people.. and i can check my emails from CM and so i try to answer them and chat periodically. this week has been one crazy week. i read a few emails and decided to talk to a couple of "doms" LOL

Dom #1 nice and friendly, Dom #2 and Dom #3... so i am chit chatting and we proceed to go to yahoo. its easier for me since my phone is tempermental... and i told them that i was on my cell! Again I TOLD THEM I WAS ON MY CELL!!

ok so between the emails from here profiles and yahoo my poor phone had a fit. and i got the profiles mixed up... i swear i thought i had double checked to make sure i had the yahoo ID and the collar me ID corresponting to each individual correct. But alas i am but human.

So, and i have to laugh. thinking i was talking to Dom #1 i asked so does your wife know about your interests? I always ask if Doms are married. even if the profile says they are not. because there have been issues before. Either way... Dom #1 got steamed and told me to go look at his profile again.. im like ok... so i find out that i made a mistake and i tell him im really sorry, i honestly thought i had the right profile.. well, thats not enough for him. calls me sneaky (?) calls me a bitch (?) and i need to get a life (?) WOW ALL THAT BECAUSE I ASKED IF HIS WIFE KNEW????? IT SO HAPPENS HE CLAIMS TO BE SINGLE.... REALLY????? THEN WHY GET SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE??? IF HE HAD NOTHING TO HIDE?

SO, i tell Dom #2 what his profile is on CM and he tells me and i double check to make sure its the right guy... LOL and Dom #3 whom i've known only online but he changed is pic... and sure enough they busted out laughing because i mixed them up too.....

So, it leaves me to wonder why Dom #1 was so offended and decided to be cruel and childish and try to put me down for making a mistake? only conclusion i can come up with is he really is married, and my mistake made him very nervous... maybe he thought i was his wife in disguise??? or maybe the thought he was being set up?? But why would an innocent man even think those things??

God i wish i was a real bitch i would post his name for all to see LOL... but i will not stoop to his worm level!! but it sure made me laugh...
on a good note... Dom #2 is a total sweetie and Dom #3 thinks im nuts... OH WELL!! its all in good fun. not sure i will meet either one... one lives too far and the other is married LOL but its fun talking to them.!!! 

its easier to be honest then to lie.. because you will have to continue lying in order to cover the first lie...!!!

SHRUGS!!!!

i have not been here for a while and from the numerous emails i have gottn i see its been awhile.

i will  not be able to answer any tonight since my time is limited. i do look forward to catching up with friends at a later time.

thank you

i am feeling very humbled and very lucky right now. when you take inventory of the wonderful people in your life, vanilla and D/s, you start to realize that the ones that are the strictest with you and the ones that truly hold you accountable are the ones that will be with you through out your life.

Sir, gave me a couple of new rules to follow today. and inspite of everything that transpired, i did not take advantage of his offer for me to play. i simply stated, i will wait until Sir is available to play. it was not that i was punished, although i feel he is not done with me yet. its not that i did wrong, and i did. it was his attitude towards me, the sound of his voice, the tone of his words, the disappointment in his stance. i dont like that. its not what i wanted, its not how i wanted him to feel its not what i wanted to do to him. i am feeling remorse today, deep remorse. He smiles and winks and i just crumble.

i am free to speak to any one i want. but meeting people in person is going to require his explicit permission and his guidance and my following his orders without failure. I can do it, i want to do it.

Dont ask to be trained and then go off and act stupid. I asked to be trained, i asked to be guided, i asked to become better in all the things that i do. Sir has graciously offered it to me. so i better behave. dont bite the hand that feeds you!!

I did not feel the leash around my neck, until i was yanked back.!!!

caged

have you ever seen those commercials for abused dogs that are left to die? no food no water no care, matted ugly and broken. the SPCA will come and pick them up, clean them, feed them and put them up for adoption. And you see the commercials and wonder what kind of person would do such a thing to an animal. What kind of monster, we get all worked up over how could they!?

So, then you come across a Dom. and he cages you mentally, sometimes physically and he has no clue what to do with you once he has you. He claims to want to learn, he wants to grow become a better man/master, but in the mean time, hes got you caged. and you wait. wanting to come out and play wanting to do more then just sit in your cage. Mean while he finds others to play with and fills his arsenal with toys. and you wonder why you have been left in a cage. wonder why you no longer are wanted. So you ask. and you are told you are his prized possession, no one can touch you, no one can play with you, hidden away from the world. One day he forgets to feed you, he forgets to pet you, he forgets to call your name. but you are caged. and you wait. when he finally returns.. he has yet another new toy. 
its a crazy analogy but the principals are the same. One day you are taken our of your cage and you bite the hand that is now trying to feed you. It is NOT your owner. It is the ONE that has come to rescue you. You did not mean to bite it.. you were just SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry, and lonely, dirty and mistreated.

where is your owner? gone.

where has he gone to? he got another bitch pregnant?

why did he leave you alone and hungry.? too selfish and self absorbed to see what he had was of value.

will he return? dont know, its been weeks, months... haven't got a clue.

I will feed you, care for you, bathe you, bring you in from the cold, and i will never put you in a cage again. I dont believe you.

You will learn to trust again.

The moral of the story, if there is one, Dont call yourself a Dom, dont take what you will NOT care for and do not cage and forget that which you believe is of value for when YOU do return, some one else will have taken her from you and given her a good home!!

caca...... im gonna have to log off write what i want to write, copy and paste.. getting distracted by emails and chat requests.. which by the way, im going to have to turn off again. Since people think that just because im online i want to chat with strangers. Well it would be nice if i got a note saying hey can we chat or something...... but manners elude some i guess........besides.. im not trying to get in trouble again.. no i will just turn off chat....... i think thats a better idea..........

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! its friday.!!!

i was allowed to remove my previous post, providing i behave... !!!

Thank you Sir.

Breathing again!

sometimes in retropesct you wonder WTF! but its a learning experience and there's nothing you can do to change what happened, but make a mental note and make sure you dont do it again!

**** Kinky ass corporate wife ****

**The pizza ho**

Its the middle of the night and i keep having the same thought over and over again! GRRRRRRR!!

I was wondering if any one follows Sister Wives on TLC. it is a very personal and emotionally deep look at poly families. One in particular. Tonight's episode, they are welcoming a new member into the family. and they openly speak about the struggles of poly and having multiple wives and how they are affected by the new wife coming into the picture.

Poly in any setting is not easy. i felt very emotional watching this episode. I've been on both ends of the spectrum. being the first and adding some one new or being the person that is added into an already existing family. i felt my own feelings validated as i saw that i am not the only person that struggles with poly.

one very good point wife #4 made and it is something that i have expressed before, is that the new wife coming in needs to understand that they may have fallen in love with the man, but they are not going into the relationship because of the man. she is going in for the Family as a whole.

that is something i have always struggled with. i have always viewed poly as being part of a family and having the love of that man is a bonus, but not exclusive. last year i angered a man when i asked him, if you have 5,6,7,slaves already how do i fit in your FAMILY.? i was not concerned about his ability to care for every one, i was concerned with my ability to fit in and be a productive member. He saw that as me being selfish. and for that i was belittled and told i did not fit in with them. I think it would have been selfish of me to NOT think of the family as a whole and just take him away to be with me alone.

Recently i have been speaking with a fabulous man. Big Daddy T.. he is poly. i told him upfront that i was not about to get involved with a poly man that did not take his family's needs into consideration or would want me to be just a side note. he laughed. said i had been around the wrong poly people. he is correct.

I asked him the same question. with all the slaves you have, how do i fit into your family? Wow What a difference in attitude. his response was, i would not be speaking with you if my wife and my other slaves did not know of you or did not see in you something special already. If i become involved in a poly house again, it will be because of Big Daddy. He has shown me a side of poly that is truly a family event. every one is taken care of not just a few. He is kind and polite and aware of the needs of his girls. I have the utmost respect for him. If nothing ever happens between us, at-least i know that there are truly poly families that work and the Man of the house knows what he is doing. Its not all about sex and games, its about family.

i would recommend watching Sister Wives to any one that is considering, or is in a poly house. it really is an emotional journey where all have so much to give and are willing to work out the differences for the sake of a truly loving relationship.

Thank you Big Daddy for showing me the good side of poly.

Finally some one that actually wants to train me. After a long time of sifting through the muck, taking a leap of faith brought me to a place of contentment. He has been in the life for some time now. But that is not his best quality. His willingness to teach. His willigness to listen and understand that i have learned most of what i know on my own and always desired a teacher. He may never own me, or collar me, but it is not important right now. He is going to teach me.

I could write about all the "doms" that critisized, put me down or walked away because they were just to damn self absorbed to take the time to teach, but then that would give them power over me and my life and they do not deserve that much recognition.

However, I will thank ChiBurbSadist once again for actually putting into action his words.

For wanting what is best for me and showing me the way. I will gladly welcome any lesson he choses to teach me because i know he will do so with style, sincerity, and pride.

i am humbled Sir, thank you!!

I finally did it.. NEEDLE PLAY.... OMG.. WHAT A NIGHT!! and yes i posted pics... yummmmmmm!!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!

CHIBURBSADIST  YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!

can we do it again??? <WEG>

a masochist is one that needs pain.

when a masochist hurts somewhere internally

they need external pain to be able to process it..

copied with permission from ::urdreambadgirl

::

I totally agree.. thanks dear!

slowly but surely i have come to the realization that the difference between a player and a "real" dom are quite evident. For example.. the players tend to come on CM and tell every one their business.. they have to voice to any one and eveything that will listen how they were wronged or post names of the so called bad slaves, fakes.... and yet it only makes them look bad.. really, if he is the only one coming across fakes, then maybe he has a problem..

However, on the flip side, when you meet a dom and he doesnt post your name for all to see, he calls to make sure you are well, he takes a serious interest in your well being, thats the guy i want to meet again. Or even when you meet some one and you dont click and he doesnt have the need to bash your name in order to feel good about him, i want to meet him again, just because he has integrity and can stand on his own two feet and apreciate the effort. Those are the guys i feel are real.. not just D/s but can hold their own in the vanilla world as well.

Just because i did not connect with some one does not make them a fake. all it means to me is that he is not the person that will in the end make me a better person/slave/sub.

same thing happens with subs.. i see sadly the time and energy spent bashing others, posting names, and just it makes them look bad. really. because the so called fake dom will move on to a new person and you are left looking like a fool. unless i feel that the person is in imminent danger i keep my trap shut. and even then, most people dont care. i knew of a sub long ago and i warned her of potential danger with a dom i knew. but instead of seeing what i was trying to tell her, she went off and decided that i was trying to take him away from her. a year later she was hurt badly by him. so, we all have to pick and choose wisely.

All i can do now is continue to learn. i have met some great people and i have seen a side of me that i did not know could emerge. So, i am enjoying the new journey. and hope that along the way, maybe a more permanent connection can be made.

its amazing how one word can change your perspective. going outside my own pre-conceived ideas of the ideal mate, produces amazing results. you have to find the right people, and you have to stick to your values in order to find the right fit. when i have settled for less because i thought thats what a "sub"/"slave" should do, i end up hurt and alone. having a firm grip on what i want does not make me demanding or less then, it makes me smarter, and actually makes more sense then to live a life of regrets.

i have few regrets in my life, for i see every encounter as a lesson to be learned and to grow. its ok to say NO to a dom. its ok to have expectations for the kind of people you want in your life. i dont have to relinquish control to any one i dont want. its too prescious and too valuable for just any one to have. you cant control me until i know you will keep me safe, care for me and yes, even love me.

what i have to offer as a person, as a slave is not found easily. as i have read in many journals. so why settle? NO not going to do it. and will not allow "doms" to bullly their way into my life. if you tell me you are willing to walk away because i have feelings and have an opinion, then all you want is a door mat. please, do not be deceived by my loyalty, honesty, and willingness to serve. i am no ones door mat.

i do not play with peoples emotions, dont play with mine. i do not open my heart to just any one, and i do not play with any person that asks. there has to be more to YOU then words.

Peculier yet very quiet day... seems like I've been in a daze. very calm and satisfied within myself. very grateful to friends and aquaintances... thankful for magnificent  "Dom" friends, who truly  care and listen and love without expectations.

I am Happy! I am at Peace! I am quite content!

OMG!!

THATS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT TONIGHT!!!

I know some frown upon third person speach. But if done correctly and gramar is maintained, it can be alot of fun.

I find myself missing that kind of play.... Been talking to a Daddy Dom and how easily and readily i enter into third person and with great comfort enjoy our exchange.

it is not every ones cup of tea and i would NOT speak in third person on a daily basis.. i think i would confuse myself, but periodically it just feels like the right thing to do.

a couple of journals back, i talked about missing that ONE person. And today i am starting to understand that it is not necessarily the PERSON that i miss, but the things we did together. So, as i venture out and meet new people, i find what i need and have been missing.....

third person.. a good thing..in moderation  :D

NEVER SETTLE... YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS WAITING JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!!

THANK YOU SIR.......

GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why does it have to be so difficult?? you like a guy, you talk to the guy.... whats the problem? 

so should i just keep my thoughts feelings and concerns to myelf? brew, stew, stuff down until i explode.. then no one wins... !!!!!!!

GAME OVER

HE WON!

I LOST!

HE THE MAN!!

LMAO!

laughing so hard going to wet my undies... oh wait i dont own any LMAO!!

who cares what they think Dear!! they will assume what they want no matter what i write... you know that... and if i was that easy my ass would be in bed with a man right now and not online talking shit with you :D

So my dear friend just informed me that my profile looks like i will meet any one that asks!! LMAO!!

NO!! BUT... you all can assume what you want.. just because i said i had breakfast does not mean it was with a man.. or woman or any one.. I could have had a great breakfast all by myself :P

OH and yes i am looking forward to tomorrow night... and friday and saturday.. why?? thats for me to know and if you ask nicely i might tell LMAO!!

Me and my big mouth!! LMAO!

Had breakfast :D

I hate it when  every dom that i come in contact with that shows some interest is compared to the ONE dom that did not deserve my attention. Yet cant help but compare the two.. If you cant measure up to the ONE dom you are not worthy of my attention.. I NEED HELP!! LMAO!!  this is going to just make his head grow!! she still wants me.. NO!! I DONT.. but I will give credit for Being the only Sadistic SOB that actually could make me cry :P

Excited and happy!! cant wait until Thursday night YAY!!

and Friday

and Tomorrow LMAO!!!

2am and today i cant sleep... just reading and answering emails.. wondering why i even bother sometimes. oh well............

It is so irritating to have "doms" disappear for weeks, even months at a time and then just pop into your life as if they never left, expecting me to treat them with the respect and consideration i would give a " dom" that has been in my life the whole time.

You wouldn't do that to a vanilla woman, or a business partner or your family so what gives you the right to do it to me? because you think I am less then? because you think that a sub/slave deserves to be treated as less then human? NO!!!!!!!! I am tired of it, i will no longer tolerate it and do yourself a favor and just leave me alone!!

For two years i spoke with this one dom... so every time i would request to meet, some one in his family would die.. Honestly at this point i wonder if there's any one left... or he would have this big project at work that would not allow him to leave! OK!!!!! so finally set up a time and day to meet, and guess what.... I truly had a family emergency, totally forgot to call him and would you believe the emails i have gotten....!!!!!!!! NOW all of a sudden I am a worthless piece of shit because I made ONE mistake in two years!!???  REALL??? 

My profile says, i am not looking or pursuing or chasing.. I believe that is plain grammatical English! So, i get the same stupid question again from the same "dom".. so hows the non search going!! really? again?? dont have new material?? another one that disappears for weeks at a time then expects me to be sitting here with open arms waiting for him to come back!! Same dom... oh send me more pics.. this time show me more.. really?? so thats all you want.. naked pics.. go pay for them.. thats not why im here..!!