OK, being too serious isn't working. So, I guess I need to try a more unique approach to my profile.
You may call my new profile, long.

You may not like it.

But you can't say its not pretty comprehensive. LOL

I was told I need to explain more of my overall personality. OK, here it is.

My personality, wow that is a tough one. In many ways I guess it depends on who you ask.
I'm more than just the kinky.
I love animals, just about all kinds. I have a dog (rescue), 2 cats (rescue), a miniature hamster, fish and 3 horses.
I'm a reformed workaholic who has found what life is about.
I'm dedicated to my family and friends.
I'm a nurturer, wanting people I love to reach their full potential.
I've lived life, made mistakes, learned hard lessons, and I'm now more content with who I am than ever before.
I'm a weird mix of cowboy (real not redneck) philosophy, gentleman, barbarian, father, friend and searcher.
I believe in God, but I also think there is a lot more to explore in the spiritual world.
I grew up on a ranch out west, the oldest of 5 kids. My parents are still together and still in love.
I guess they call me intelligent, I'll preface that with in some things. I can take apart problems and solve them.
I'm trying to reconcile my logic with my spiritual side.
I think of life as a journey with death the destination. That does not scare me, because I know that is not the end, but just a new beginning.
I like strong women with a submissive side. That, to me, does not seem to be in conflict.
I'm passionate, about life, relationships, living.
I intimidate some people, not sure why.
I'm a horseman. I think best on the back of a horse. Yea, weird I know.
I like yoga, dancing (want a partner to take lessons with me), comfortable in a country bar, a biker bar, a wine tasting, theater, concerts, .. well you get the picture.
I love cooking and it seems people love to eat what I cook.
I love dinners with family and friends.

Well, there is a taste to see if you are interested.

Women are like apples. The best are at the top of the tree. Boys don't want to reach for them because they are afraid of falling & getting hurt. So, they just get the rotten apples on the ground, not as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, in reality,they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, who's brave enough to climb to the top.

This is a poem I read at a reading the other night, called "Too Damn Old"

So, you think I’m too damn old

Well, how in the hell would you know

I’ve embraced more of life than you’ve seen on TV

And I’m still not ready to lay it down

I’ve been beaten and battered, yet I still get up,

Each day, I’m ready for more

What real battles have you ever fought?

What challenges have you ever endured?

I don’t dress Emo or Hot Topic or follow a crowd

I don’t care if you don’t like my style

Sure I quote from the past, I learn from the best

I’m not stupid enough to think I know it all

But I search new ideas, new songs, and new words

For meaning that can carry me on

I’m still growing inside, new ideas, new passions

Expanding my spiritual world

What have you done besides the latest video game?

What reality do you live in?

Let’s look at your age by how you embrace new ideas

Let’s see what revolutions you have spawned

Can you give of your life, without expecting back?

Can you face new frontiers everyday?

I still search for true love, starting over in life

I move excited, each day into the world

Yet you are comfortable in your little cocoon

One of thousands of mirror images existing in the world

You sit at home, in your Momma’s basement, life passing by

So you tell me, who’s really too damn old

Come on, look me in the eye

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. --  Bertrand Russell

I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine.

Its been a long year and I still haven't found her:

She knows the beast .. and is overcome by him
She knows the barbarian .. and is ravished by him
She knows the Daddy .. and cuddles with him
She knows the boy ... and plays with him
She knows the intellectual ... and challenges him
She knows the romantic ... and swoons for him
She knows the man .. and loves him .. all of him

Have you ever been haunted by a dream? One that makes you wonder if it’s a glimpse into the future or a fantasy that can never come true. I am currently haunted by such a recurring dream. It’s so real I can’t believe it. When I wake up, its as if the tastes, smells and touches are still there.

It’s a simple dream. I’m lying in bed, with my lady. She is someone I don’t know right now and someone I’m not sure I’ll ever meet. She is cuddled in my arms after I’ve ravished her. I can smell the salt from the perspiration on her skin. That mixed with her scent is very pleasing to me.

She is a petite little lady, not my usual type. Tiny I guess is the word for her, compared to me. I’m a big brute of a guy. She is warm and her breathing is slow and steady. I can feel her heart as it beats. I love watching her sleep. I feel at peace (something I’ve not know for a very long time).

It’s amazing what I know about her. The world has not been kind to her. She had great sadness before we stumbled onto each other. She is intelligent and quietly thoughtful. The first time I met her, her eyes had sadness in them. Like me, she had not found where she belonged in the world. We met and talked over coffee. We agreed to meet again, but as we walked out, she turned and ran to me. I hugged her and felt right with the world. I picked her up and carried her to my car. She is such a tiny thing. We went home and I introduced her to my son. I opened a bottle of wine and we started talking. We ate dinner and she fussed around the kitchen, cleaning up. It felt good to watch her move around the kitchen. She gave my son a hug when he went to bed. He signed to me that he really liked her.

We talked late into the night. It was wonderful. We talked about our past, the scars left on our soul by our journey here on earth. We talked about what was important to each of us and we were honest with our needs and wants. She talked of her need for submission and her occasional need to be taken. I talked of the barbarian in me and the times I just go wild. I brought up the age difference and the problems I saw it causing. She said I was so foolish about some things. She said I should make decisions based on my heart not what others think or some false sense of chivalry.

She brought out feelings of protectiveness in me, I didn’t know existed. She called me Papa, like my kids do. It felt right when she did. Then we fell asleep in each others arms, fully clothed.

How does one ache deep inside for someone you don’t know. How can you fall in love with someone you’ve never met? Why won’t this dream go away and quit haunting me?

"when you're a kid, they tell you that it's what's on the inside that counts. Looks don't matter . But that's not true. Guys like Phoebus in The Hunchback, or Dorian, or the old Kyle Kingsbury-- they can be scumbags to women and still get away with it because they're good-looking. Being ugly is a kind of prisoner."
- Beastly

You say you are into service?

• So tell me, are you willing to submit to a man who will expect you to hold that up?
• Will you work beside him .. not doing pretty little play tasks, but building something that will last.
• Do you just want to prance around in a cute little outfit (not that that is all bad), or are you willing to put in real effort and sweat, to make a corner of this cruel world, into a sanctuary that you can share and realize your dreams?
• Is it just marketing slogans or real commitment?

What do you mean by service?

I had a friend tell me that she was going to hide from life and love, so she could heal.
That she didn't think that now was the right time for love.

This is what I told her: 

Wait and love could pass you by.
Too many people think that life is full of endless opportunities for love.
They are wrong.
When two people has a physical attraction that begins a fire of passion and love, its very rare.
Every time you withdraw, you risk losing a precious chance to find a true and passionate love.
Every time you hide from life, you lose a chance to find the person of your dreams.

Love is not something you can buy at a store.
Love is not a brass ring on a merry go round, that you can try for on the next go round.

Love, that blossoms between two people and is shared and returned is a rare and wondrous thing. Something that is worth risking your heart for.
Don't ask yourself if the time is right for love, ask if you can afford to risk losing your last chance at love?

My hand grasps your neck, my lips taste your skin
The pulse of your life, causes my mind to spin
The smell of your fear, your arousal, your scent
Drives me wild, control lost, possession my intent
Your clothes like tissue, ripped from your frame
This is real, no safe word, no playtime game
I take your body and make it mine
Capture your heart, our lives intertwine
Baring your soul, your resistance plummets
We drive toward fulfillment, climb passions summit
I hold you so close, my heart still yearns
As passion subsides and reason returns
You are mine, forever, I won't let you go
The barbarian found his woman, content is his soul

Lesson’s Learned

A smile, a caress, the touch of their lips
My thanks to the ladies of my youth
The women whose wine I was lucky to sip
Helped shape a young man to your truth

Then came a girl, lost and confused
Like a knight on a charger I came
Learning neediness wasn’t love, a lesson cruel
Forcing growth in my heart once again

Lust and passion were next, as I walked my path
Lifting me to heights I had never reached
But the world and our differences
Tore us apart .. showing passion couldn’t make life complete

Then I met a woman child, only half my age
But she showed me all that life could be
Passion, peace, shared goals and dreams
But false nobility drove her from me

Now my heart, scarred and worn, is searching again
For the last love that will complete my life
Does she exist? Can I find her? Do I get one more chance?
To find this woman, my lover, my wife.

I'm looking for my woman/child. I am attracted to petite women. A woman who understands that submission, does not mean no intelligence, no opinions, no desires, no dreams and no direction.

A woman of intelligence and strength who wants a man who protects, leans on, guides, listens and loves.  A woman who will blend and share family, friends, dreams and goals. A woman who can love a man who has been on a hard journey, made mistakes and learned a lot. A woman whose childlike curiosity and love of life, will rejuvenate his spirit.

I am a man looking for someone to go on a spiritual journey with me. I'm looking for someone who understands life is a mixture .. spirituality, sexuality (in all its forms), everyday life and other plateaus we must strive for.I'm looking for someone to submit, yet walk beside me.I need someone to understand the balance in life.If you are interested, please drop me a note.

I apologize for being a rough old cowboy, but there is a lot of life and love left in this fellow. I'm good at rescuing and protecting someone from life's harsh realities.

Do you yearn to hide at times in strong arms that will cradle you, but yet walk beside a man as you go, together, through life.

If you understand any of this and understand commitment and love, please drop me a note

A Cowboys Journey

I've walked a crooked path, these many years
Living, loving and confronting my fears
Climbing mountains, so very high
Falling down valleys as the world sucked me dry

But I'm still standing, still making my way
To me its reality, not some damn play
My life has been full of both good and bad
I've hurt some people and made them sad

Shared some love, helped out a few
Been a good daddy, if thats important to you
Many events in my life were not what they seem
Captured and tortured by a series of dreams

Needing something that most likely doesn't exist
Looking for a lifetime, not some one night tryst
A lady to bind my wounded soul
A woman in my arms for me to console

To take my love in all its twisted form
The dark secret side and the side that conforms
Whose needs compliment and entwine
She holds me in her heart and I've given her mine

My unknown lady and I, walk a path others don't share
Ranging from love to passion, our hearts laid bare
Pain, force, romance, a ravished lady
I'm her man and she's my baby

The Animal Inside You

I found this test about finding the animal inside of you. So, I tried to answer as honestly as I could. This is what it returned:

The rugged wolf is athletic, good-looking and brimming with self-confidence. A close relative of the domestic dog, it is stronger and more aggressive, managing to generate notoriety wherever it marks its territory. The wolf's dark reputation is mainly due to jealousy of its consistent success in work and romance. A wolf in full stride is quite impressive. Firing orders at subordinates while on the phone to customers, no one can get the job done quite as efficiently as the wolf.

With an innate understanding of the value of teamwork, it's always ready to take its place in the chain of command either as leader or as simply a member of the pack. When a wolf decides to innovate, it makes sure that it has the backing of a capable team. The wolf is clear-headed and strong-minded, always willing to compromise in the interests of getting a job done.

Wolves are facially expressive and readily communicate their emotional states with body language. They work hard at developing their social relationships, although unlike their cousin the dog they are quick to anger when they sense threats to the social order. When confrontations occurs, they sometimes react suddenly and violently, barking displeasure at offending subordinates. Close companions know to avoid their biting tongue until they resume their normal gregarious behavior.

Wolves are intensely ambitious and never shy from hard work. Socially adept, they function well in leadership and management roles as well as in jobs requiring vision and strength of character. Being a natural motivator, their instinctive understanding of group dynamics serves them well in goal-oriented tasks.

As bosses, wolves demand absolute loyalty and they provide the same allegiance to their employees. Their ability to perform under pressure helps them attain the highest executive levels, and with strong communication instincts they maintain a constant stream of notes, letters, and email to coworkers. Their instinctive understanding of the chain of command makes wolves excellent soldiers or law enforcement officers.

Take the test: http://www.animalinyou.com/test.php

I think I need to re-examine what I expect out of relationships. Because, they sure are going wrong for me lately. Over  the last year, I've had several relationships that didn't work. None were because of sexual incompatibility (including the kink) but not all made it to that stage. There were some I ended, because there was no "spark" or sexual attraction. Then there are the "other" reasons (at least what I was told).

Several relationships ended because I refused to make a long term commitment within the first month or less.
A couple of ladies left because of my children. Not my oldest son who is special needs. They all loved him and liked how he helped around the house. Not because my youngest behave badly. But because I spend so much family time. They wanted more .. freedom. They can't believe that I, as a father, spend so much time with my children.

I've always believed that you met someone, in person. You went out, talked, looked each other over. You touch someone, smell them (OK, I smell them), laugh,  dance and get to know each other. If there is attraction and interest on both parts, you take time and get to know each other more deeply, discovering things as the relationship builds. You find out if you are compatible.
Are you attracted to each other?
Do you share goals and dreams, or at least enough that it would work together?
Do you have enough interests in common to build a life?
Are you sexually compatible (with kinks and such thrown in)?
Do you have common values for dealing with children, family, and friends?
Do you have passion and love?

I feel all of those are necessary for a good relationship.

One woman tried to use her children to force a relationship to move along. Apparently, she felt 2 dates was enough to make a major commitment. I'm at fault, according to her, because I am afraid to commit. This after two dates.

Am I wrong for wanting to get to know someone?
What is a good time period for two people to date before committing?
What do you need to know and feel for someone before you move in together?
Should kids be used to move a relationship along?

Another woman told me my life had too much going on in it and she didn't want to compete.
I didn't know that you competed for love. I always told my children, that loved shared, multiplies. It doesn't seem like I have a lack of time for someone. I spend long nights .. alone. I spend many early mornings .. alone, wishing for someone to talk to, to hold, to love. There is always room for more when we are all together, eating, talking and being. You also make time to be together. That is life. I didn't know there was a capacity limit on love and togetherness.

Do people really exclude all others to enter a relationship with someone? Doesn't that seem .. sick and selfish?

So, am I considered anachronistic for believing that a relationship should be based on more than lust and sexual passion?
It is unrealistic to expect mutual attraction, shared dreams and goals, to want love and passion between us.
Am I wrong to believe that two people can take all that is in their life and blend it together, successfully.

I've tried talking to a lady who lives far away and then meeting her. That didn't work either time.  There is so much that can't be exchanged by computer.
I need a physical presence to start a relationship. I may be hopelessly old fashioned for that but, its what is inside of me. I guess I'm too much of a barbarian to just have a completely spiritual relationship across a long distance.
I need to see, touch, hold and smell a lady to kick off anything to do with romance.

In todays day and age, I don't know what to do about a relationship. Do you just throw caution to the wind and jump in? Is that why so many relationships end so quickly? My parents have been together for over 56 years. They still have passion and love. They have realized goals and dreams and still have more. They love being together.

People tell me that love will find me. How would it find me? Does love have a radar? I believe in choice, not fate. As I've said so many times, I've witnessed too many people dying alone to believe that someone will show up for everyone.

So now I need to think about how to approach this search for someone.
What is it I'm doing wrong?
Am I doomed to never find that special person?
How will I make it through life, without that person?
How can I keep my strength up, to deal with the loneliness while being here for my children?
How do I keep from being a bitter and lonely old man?
How do I live with out my lover and wife?

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90e8ryPDKWo

Lesson's Learned

A smile, a caress, the touch of their lips
My thanks to the ladies of my youth
The women whose wine I was lucky to sip
Helped shape a young man to your truth

Then came a girl, lost and confused
Like a knight on a charger I came
Learning neediness wasn't love, a lesson cruel
Forcing growth in my heart once again

Lust and passion were next, as I walked my path
Lifting me to heights I had never reached 
But the world and our differences
Tore us apart .. showing passion couldn't make life complete

Then I met a woman child, only half my age
But she showed me all that life could be
Passion, peace, shared goals and dreams
But false nobility drove her from me

Now my heart, scarred and worn, is searching again
For the last love that will complete my life
Does she exist? Can I find her? Do I get one more chance?
To find this woman, my lover, my wife.

Against the Wind

Sometimes, a song from our youth is so prophetic. Bob Seger released this song in 1980. Some of it came from running cross country in high school (a sport we shared). A lot of it comes from the choices you make in life. When you look back on life, did you take the "easy" way or the "hard" way?

I was listening to this last night, when I couldn't sleep. I realized part of its appeal to me, was the fact that I still seem to be "Runnin' against the wind". I'm not sure why I can't chose an easy path to take in life. While there are many things in my life I regret, taking the "harder" way, is not one of them. So, I thought I would share it with you. First the lyrics, then a video that captures the spirit of the song.

Against The Wind
Bob Seger

It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playing low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the wind

The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worryied about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter sgainst the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me now
I've got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind
Well I'm older now and still runnin'
Against the wind
Against the wind
Against the wind

Still runnin'
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm still runnin'
I'm still runnin' against the wind
Still runnin'
Runnin' against the wind
Runnin' against the wind
See the young man run
Watch the young man run
Watch the young man runnin'
He'll be runnin' against the wind
Let the cowboys ride
Let the cowboys ride
They'll be ridin' against the wind
Against the wind ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLETs9YBbYA

Some of my personal values:

I was reading a list of what a retrosexual male believes in and a lot of them resonated with me. But, I had to touch them up to reflect my values:

* I, no matter what the women insists, PAY FOR THE DATE.

* I open doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

* I DEAL with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, because a man just DEALS WITH IT.

* I eat red meat.

* I don't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

* I do not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. I need an end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods).

* I do not dress in clothes from Hot Topic.

* I know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.

* I will not give up who I am for a women.

* I will not spend my life blaming mistakes and circumstance on childhood issues or what life has thrown at me. It's time to just move on.

* I know how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

* I believe a man should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

* I know how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

* I know that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.

* When I am on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, I will stand up and offers my seat to that woman, then I will look around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on my face.

* I know how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. I also know the words to the Star Spangled Banner. I also have read and understand the constitution and know better than to say that the founding fathers were conservative (they were the biggest liberals of their time).

* When I enter a building, I take off my hat or cap.

* I don't wear gloves in the house (even with the fingers cut off).

* I know how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

* I can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

* I can chop down a tree and make it land where I want.

* I will give up my seat on a bus or train to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt)

* NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but I will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

* I don't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.

* I don't immediately look to sue someone when I do something stupid and hurts myself. I understand that sometimes in the process of doing things I get hurt and I just DEAL WITH IT.

You taught me to search for a vision
To give purpose and direction to life
I set off on the path, but soon got lost
Caught up in greed, indulgence and strife

I lost you my friend, Violence stole you away
Leaving me lonely, lost and afraid
My big brother not there, to show me the way
I left the path, another soul strayed

But I saw you again, while asleep one night
Chiding me for forgetting my dreams
You laughed and said "remember my brother"
"Remember, life is not what it seams"

So I struggled, crawled back and climbed to my feet
Remembered the vision, and struggled to discover
The man I once was, internal demons to beat
I'm walking the path now, thanks to my brother

I'm looking for the woman:

She knows the beast .. and is overcome by him
She knows the barbarian .. and is ravished by him
She knows the Daddy .. and cuddles with him
She knows the boy ... and plays with him
She knows the intellectual ... and challenges him
She knows the romantic ... and swoons for him
She knows the man .. and loves him .. all of him

How does one deal with a dark mood.
My son had a bad day today and then got told by someone I was exploring a relationship with that I was too "kinky".

Geesh .. too kinky for vanilla
Local munches don't think I'm kinky enough and I don't fit in there. This is the first city I've ever lived in where I had such a tough time finding friends who can just accept you for who you are.

A lot of my friends say that I need to move, but I can't leave my responsibilities here. I just don't like the hand I was dealt but I can't find any ace in the hole either.

I miss my old group of friends.
I miss those who have moved on.

Its hard to deal with dark thoughts and moods without someone you trust to be with.

I hate the feeling of "being so damn alone".

Oh well, who said life is fair.

Sorry .. just down I guess.

The heartbreak of love sings,
the sadness of knowledge speaks,
the melancholy of desire whispers,
and the anguish of poverty weeps.
But there is a sorrow deeper than love,
loftier than knowledge,
stronger than desire,
and more bitter than poverty.
It is mute and has no voice;
its eyes glitter like stars.

This to me, defines loneliness.
The struggle to find a way to express the pain inside.
It sits like a dark cat in the shadows waiting for you to let down your guard, eyes .. little lights in the darkness.
You sit at night and you see it and you feel it, the lack of sound almost deafening, a reflection of the emptiness inside.

How does one survive without love?

How does one get through life alone?

I'm not sure how I will survive a life alone. I feel as if I'm missing a big part of my soul. Going through life, wounded and in pain .. is that ideal?

I don't fit well into these times. It's possible I don't fit well in any time period. I am a weird mixture of philosophies and principles.

I believe we have gotten too greedy as a society. We chase the dollar and are afraid someone else will get something too easily. We don't give to those in need, because some person will take advantage of it. I don't think that speaks well of us as a society. All the different religions say we should offer help without judgment. But we are full of judgment and can not bear the idea of someone getting by too easily. A helping hand that is offered, always seems to have conditions attached to it.

I don't fit with my age group very well. My music tastes span the ages and my interests seem to baffle those in my age group. I'm not ready to quit exploring and learning new things. I love my country. Not some misguided ideal that is in some hokey country song. I love the ideals that our founding fathers wrote about. I wish more people would read the constitution and the thoughts of those who wrote them. No, they were not perfect, but they had ideals to strive for. Those ideals never mentioned capitalism and corporations. They were based on "We the People" and what the government would help us strive for and what we would give back.

I make those younger than me nervous because I understand when they talk. I acknowledge their changing values. Work is a way to support oneself, not an ends to a means. They cherish their time away from work, for that is where they really live. I respect there opinion, much more than they know. Life is defined by your responsibilities and values and the people you cherish, more than it is a job title or great riches.

I don't fit into the mainstream BDSM crowd. In fact, I can be quite judgmental. To me, there is a vast difference between helping a kinky person fulfill some controlled desires and taking advantage of someone who might be broke and could be easily abused for some persons entertainment. When one loses and one wins .. it's wrong. Many do not like me for expressing that principle.

I truly have given up on finding anyone. Online .. too distant (my life situation is not conductive to my traveling) .. and I'm too weird for those around here. So, I've decided to just let that go. I don't think love is in my future. For the next few years, I need to get my kids started on their paths and get my oldest son so he is taken care of. A man must respect his responsibilities, for to me, that is his measure. After that .. well one can always move to the next plane and start over.

So how does one deal with loneliness?
By philosophizing and trying to put into words what is in your heart and soul. Wouldn't it be nice if it gave someone a measure of peace?

Love flows from a place deep within. It's given without regard for the consequences. It may lead to pain and suffering or the heights of passions, but it's given, because one has no other choice.

observation of a misplaced cowboy

She Whispered

She met me, one rainy afternoon

We had chatted and emailed since June

We both had lost love, broken hearts, wounded souls

Lonely nights had taken their toll

She was a tiny thing, with strength and spirit

A sparkle in her eyes, a beauty to covet

I sat entranced as she told me of her life

The roads she had walked, the pain, the strife

We shared our dreams, hopes and desires

The goals in life, to which we aspire

We both wanted family, friends, a home

Someone to love, to call our own

We sipped some coffee, held hands and talked

It was impossible for me, not to fall in love

Then she leaned over, for a kiss, her lips like wine

And she whispered, “Oh Papa, will you be mine?”

I was shocked by her question; I said “are you sure?”

She looked in my eyes with a purpose so pure.

She asked, “Will you love me and keep me from harm?”

“Will you hold me and grow me, held tight in your arms?”

Then she lowered her eyes, fearful of being so bold

I lifted her chin, teary eyes to behold  

“My lady”, I answered,” I'll love for all time”

“I'll protect you and hold you if you will be mine”

“Will you be my lover, my friend and my wife?”

“Will you walk by my side, for the rest of my life”?

A twinkle in her eyes, as she softly touched my cheek

“Oh Papa”, she whispered, “It's you that I seek.”

She fell into my arms, so soft, so dear

She cuddled against me, her lips brushed my ear

Her scent filled my soul, and she whispered to me

“My Papa, I’ll love you, for all eternity.”

The perfect woman is a strong, complex woman who will take my breath away when I look at her and dazzle me with her intelligence. I want a woman who is smart, philosophical, childlike, mature, wild but wanting to be led. A woman who loves children and life. I want and need the woman who can submit to the scholar, the cowboy, the gentleman, the barbarian, the child, and the father that is me. A woman who can accept that I've let an imperfect life, but that I've learned to be the man I should be. A woman who can love me, for me. A lioness who wants to finish this journey with me. I'm doubtfully I will ever meet her.

Share Your Recipe?

What does it take for love to begin   
What does it take to grow   
What between two, ignites that spark   
That lets love and romance take hold    
   
Is it chemical, a formula I can mix    
Or a magic potient I can brew   
Does electricity play a part in creating the heat  
Or is it God's hand mixing the stew        
  
If I mix loneliness, chance and desire
With willing hearts and minds  
Will love take seed and germinate   
And bring peace to this heart of mine   
   
So tell me now and tell me true    
What pieces of the puzzle you found     
Tell me the path I must pursue    
To find this love so profound

How does one move beneath the veneer
To capture, to stalk, to fulfill
To take whatever it is, one desires
The exercise of one's free will

The prey, unknowing, emotions chained
She walks, in a dream through this world
Heart empty, love cold, desires restrained
Her soul lifeless, her passions unfurled

Till the day he spots her, his soul enflamed
Her coldness igniting his passion
No longer content to live as one tamed
A savagery no longer in fashion

He stalks her, and takes her in darkness of night
Carries her off as a slave to his home
Igniting within her, a burning light
Taking and making her his own

The Passion Rages

My hand grasps your neck, my lips taste your skin

The pulse of your life, causes my mind to spin

The smell of your fear, your arousal, your scent

Drives me wild, control lost, possession my intent

Your clothes like tissue, ripped from your frame

This is real, no safe word, no playtime game

I take your body and make it mine

Capture your heart, our lives intertwine

Baring your soul, your resistance plummets

We drive toward fulfillment, climb passions summit

I hold you so close, my heart still yearns

As passion subsides and reason returns

You are mine, forever, I won't let you go

The barbarian found his woman, content is his soul

I have often been asked what my first time was like. So this is the experience, even though words will never do it justice.    

When I was young (ask and I'll tell you how old), I worked in broadcasting. I was a tall, skinny, long haired, bearded wild ass cowboy in the manner of Waylon and Willie. I had a deep voice, piercing blue eyes and an attitude that was completely different than most in my rural community. I rode rough stock, ran around with a crazy crowd and jumped into life with no thought of consequences. I'd spent a few nights in jail for disorderly conduct, but I got along with most people pretty well.  

I did the evening drive program on the big, old clear channel AM station. People liked me and I made damn good money. Really good, considering I was still in high school. Not many knew that though. My boss was a promoter. They pushed the idea that I was a hell raiser (actually true) and played up the long haired cowboy image. My promotional poster had a bottle of Jack Daniels on my desk and a hand rolled cigarette beside it. I supplied both. 

My boss was going out of town for the week. His wife, Bonnie, was home alone with her new baby daughter. She was something. She was 32 and was quite the looker. Blond hair, hot body, about 5'2" tall, she was one of the sexiest women in our area and she knew it. People said she was a bitch and a tease.  She had always been kind of aloof at station functions. 

Well, the second day my boss was gone, I got a call toward the end of my show, asking if I could stop by for a moment after work. I finished the show and headed over to her house. I knocked on the door and she came to the door. She was frazzled. The baby had been crying and was all colicky. She had been by herself to two days and was going crazy. She was one the verge of tears. I walked in and she asked if I knew a girl for her to call to come and help with the baby. I just smiled and told her to go grab a shower and leave it to me.   

Being the oldest in a large family, I took little Lindsay and got her fed and changed. I put her bassinet on top of the washing machine and put her in it. The motion (just as my mother said) soon had her comfortable and sleeping. I went in the kitchen and threw on a couple steaks and grabbed a bottle of wine and opened it. Then Bonnie came out of her bedroom dressed in a bathrobe after her shower. She was drying her hair and she looked around amazed. I told her to sit down and gave her a steak and salad and poured her a glass of wine. She looked wide eyed as I joined her. She started to protest that I shouldn't be drinking. I told her to just sit and eat, to quit worrying. We ate our steaks. The washing machine ended it cycle and I threw the diapers I'd washed into the dryer and moved little Lindsay and her bassinet over to the dryer. I turned it on and she kept right on sleeping (yes, this trick does work with colicky babies). I gathered up the dishes, put them in the sink and pulled Bonnie's chair out for her and steered her into the living room. 

Bonnie sat on the couch and I filled her glass and sat beside her. I think the poor lady was still in shock. I put my arm around her and suddenly she came alive. She put her wine glass down and said, "Michael, thanks for the help, but you are getting a little too damn familiar." She stood up beside the couch and was going all bitchy on me. Something inside of me, snapped. I suddenly felt like I was totally alive. I could smell her skin, fresh from the shower, her damp hair with a scent of jasmine. I heard her lecturing me on acting my age and it seemed so ... unimportant. It was like I could feel her heart beating, each breath she was taking and how she moved. My nostrils flared and I moved.  

I grabbed her and set her in my lap. I put my hand in her hair and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her, hard. She bit my lip, the little bitch. I laughed and stood her up. I pulled the robe from her and turned her around, holding her arms behind her in one of my hands. Then I put her over my lap and slapped that gorgeous ass. No, she didn't scream, she squeaked. It was so funny. I felt so .. Alive. I proceeded to spank that lovely ass till it turned a lovely red. Then I pushed her on the floor and dropped behind her. I lifted her bottom up and stroked her lovely pussy.   

Light blond hair covered it and I played with her lips. She was wet. The smell was so arousing. I stroked her pussy and then I dropped her arms and stood up. She scrambled to the couch and looked at me, like she was in shock. I undressed. She hit me. Damn, she was feisty. I grabbed her by the throat and pulled her to me. I lifted her off her feet and kissed her. She pushed, she struggled and then .. she moaned. She kissed me back, grabbing me and holding me close. I pulled her to the couch and laid her down. With one hand on her throat and the other playing with her breasts, I stopped to look at her. Eyes closed, body flushed, she looked so damn good. I pushed her legs apart and crawled between them. With one hand still on her throat, I took my cock and pushed it in her cunt. Wow, now she went crazy. Kissing my face all over,  she wrapped her feet behind me and moaned in a sexy, low voice. We fucked. Hard, fast, like wild animals. She came, screaming. I came, feeling myself shoot deep inside of her. I pulled out and sat up. I grabbed her head and brought it to my cock. She licked me clean, and then I pulled her into my lap. I kissed her. She kissed me back.   

Then little Lindsay decided to wake up. I stood up and placed Bonnie on her feet. I reached over and grabbed her robe and wrapped her in it. I marched in the other room and got Lindsay. With her in one arm, I went in and got Bonnie and we went into the kitchen. I set Bonnie at the table and gave her the baby. She rocked little Lindsay and I got a bottle ready. She fed the baby the bottle and the baby was happy as could be. She didn't say much. I got our wine glasses and we sipped some wine while the baby attacked the bottle. When Lindsay was done, I took her from Bonnie and burped her. I laid her across my lap (yea, I'd put my underwear back on) on a blanket and lightly bounced her while I rubbed her lower back. She burped a couple of times; I took her in the nursery and changed her. Bonnie followed, quietly, looking at me and the baby. I put the baby in her crib and stroked her cheek for a few minutes till she fell asleep again.  

I walked over to Bonnie and hugged her. She looked up at me and started to talk. I put my finger on her lips in a shushing move and said, "not now". I picked her up and carried her to bed. There, I made love to her, slow and deliberate. She liked being held down. When I licked her cunt, she came so hard, her stomach muscles rippled. Then I slid up and made slow love to her. When she was very aroused, I put my hands around her throat and softly squeezed. She came and then I filled her up. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.  

That was the first time the barbarian came out. I've lived with him ever since.

(to be sung to .. Hush Little Baby)

Hush little baby, don't you cry
Papa's going to take you by and by
Hand at your throat and teeth at your breast
Papa's going to take you different than the rest

He wants your mind, and all it contains
He wants your body and your brains
Papa wants your heart and he wants your soul
He takes everything, but he leaves you whole

He doesn't share, his love is bold
Your body is his, to play and hold
He wants your passion and your love
His life he want you, to be part of

So think little girl, can you give it all
From the biggest part to all that is small
Can you bare your soul and your heart
Giving it all, every precious part

Because he will give you his love and his soul
Share his thoughts and all his goals
Blend his life with all parts of yours
Together, forever, through laughter and tears

So, Hush little baby, don't you cry
Papa's going to take you by and by
Hand at your throat and teeth at your breast
Papa's going to take you different than the rest

The Scorpion is one intense little creature, with enough poison in its own tail to disable or kill a much larger opponent. But the problem with this kind of built-in biological weaponry is that it must be mastered in order to be used most effectively. You Scorpios can use your "stinger" for self-defense, using your powerful emotional awareness to render your opponent harmless. But there is a sexual component of poisonous tail also, and until Scorpio learns to control those strong urges, Scorpio may find yourself in uncomfortable situations.

Scorpio is the only sign that has three animal totems. First, there is the well-known Scorpion with its active tail. Second, as the Scorpio learns to master its passion and hold its instincts at bay, it changes into the Eagle. The Eagle has more perspective, for it flies high above the surface of circumstances, swooping down with its power only to kill prey for food. In its third form, the Scorpion becomes the always-peaceful dove. The real meaning of Scorpio is thus shown. Scorpio is about metamorphosis. Scorpios transform the painful poisons of possessive passion into a higher consciousness based on universal love.

The Scorpio motto might be "What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious." You are the detectives of the zodiac. Your magnetic personality draws others to you. But you can also be secretive yourself, for you learn early on that when you express everything, others may be scared by the power of your feelings. You desperately want to have someone to merge with your feelings, but can become cold and withdrawn when hurt in love. You have the magic to light up the dark, but sometimes you would benefit by looking at the positive side of things rather than going into the darkness at all.

Element: Water
Astrologically, the water element symbolizes emotion. Water runs deep; it seeks its own level and will flow until it has found it. The cycle of water is endless with the snows falling in the mountains and melting. The mountain streams join to make the great rivers that run to the sea. The tides and currents churn the oceans. Similarly, our feelings are flowing as they connect the present with past experiences. Sometimes the waters are so deep that we cannot put words to our feelings.

The water of Scorpio is fixed and frozen, but it is a mistake to think that ice doesn't flow. It does flow -- and with great power. Think of a glacier, moving so very slowly, yet with enough power to flatten a forest or even a mountain.

Eighth House: Transformation
Since the Second House is the House of Possessions, the Eighth House opposite it, is about what other people have. This can include sexual issues, for they usually involve another person. It is also about the ultimate transformation -- death -- but not necessarily your own. It could be said that the Eighth House is what we don't know and what we cannot understand. It is surely a House of Hidden Power.

Key Planet: Pluto
Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld. If this sounds scary, it demands a bit more explanation, for Pluto symbolizes everything that is beneath our consciousness. This isn't about the Hell where we are punished. Rather, it is the Hell that William Blake describes as a place "so beautiful that it would torment an angel to insanity." As the key planet for Scorpio, Pluto is intense and powerful, representing those things that we don't or can't understand. And it is from these hidden Plutonic spaces that magical transformations arise.

Scorpio Greatest Strength: Your passion about your feelings

Scorpio Possible Weakness: Need for secrecy can be isolating

I think that too many people believe love is just a beautiful and wondrous feeling that will encompass them. They forget the pain and work that love entails. Those who think they can juggle and play at love, are mistaking love and lust. One can play at lust, but it is a shallow substitute for love.

When love beckons to you follow him,  
Though his ways are hard and steep.  
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,  
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. 
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams   
as the north wind lays waste the garden.  
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. 
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.  
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses  
your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in  
their clinging to the earth.    
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.  
He threshes you to make you naked.  
He sifts you to free you from your husks.  
He grinds you to whiteness.  
He kneads you until you are pliant;  
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,  
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.  
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know  
the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge   
become a fragment of Life's heart.  
  
Kahlil Gibran 

It takes strength to love, it takes commitment. Those who play games and dabble, will never really know what love is.
 
I think that when you find love, you will find the feeling of being owned. For that to happen, it is my belief that you need physical closeness, intellectual compatibility and a complimentary passion and personalities. You also need luck and a willingness to take chances and experience heartbreak and pain.

A Horseman

The term may be used by some to differentiate between a person who merely rides or is associated with horses, and someone that truly understands and has a good ability with horses - He's a rider, but he's not a horseman would suggest that although the person can ride a horse, they are not good at caring or understanding them. 
 
The following can apply to a man or a woman (I use male perspective since I am one). 
 
A Horseman, is from a past where you learned your horse handling skills while performing ranch duties, usually long before you hit your teenaged years. A Horseman takes to cowboying and natural horse handling as to the manner born. A horseman is  usually plain-spoken, no-nonsense, or more directly gruff, arrogant and cocky. A horseman doesn't strike a horse in needless anger if the horse is slow to understand. He encourages a struggling or angry horse with a gentle voice and hand. He knows his responsibility to his horse and when its time, will guide him out of his pain.
  
A Horsemans Prayer 
 
Dearest Creator in Heaven,
Give me strength to guide my horse.
Let my hands soft and my head clear.
Let my horse understand me and I him.
My heart you have blessed with a special love for these animals.
I will never loose sight of it.
My soul you have gifted with a deep appreciation for them.
That will never lessen, only continue to grow.
Always let my heart lighten as the sun gently touches them.
Always may my soul smile at the sound of a gentle nicker.
Let the scent of fresh hay and a new bag of grain be sweet to me.
Let the touch of a warm nose on my hand always bring a smile.
I adore the joy of a warm day on the farm,
The grace and splendor of a running horse,
The thunder of it's hooves makes my eyes burn and my heart soar.
Let it always be so.
Dearest Creator grant me patience,
For horses are harnessed wind, and wind can be flighty.
Let me not frighten or harm them.
Instead show me natural ways to understand them.
Above all, dear Creator, fill my life with them.
When I pass from this world,
Send my soul to no heaven without them.
For this love you have given me graces my existence,
And I shall cherish it and praise You for it for all time.
Amen

We were discussing what is a romantic Dom and what would define him.
 
I'm not sure what you would call me. I am just me. A man with needs and desires, looking for the one who will fill my soul and my heart. 
 
There are some of us who feel that we want it all. We want the kink, the romance, the trust, the passion, the companionship and love. I'm tired of relationships that are based on just part of a relationship. In the past, I've focused on just part of the relationship, what I thought at the time was the most important. I made mistakes.  Life has been a journey with ups and downs. But I have made it through that life
 
So what have I learned? I've learned that too often, we let lifestyle or kink overshadow the completeness of a relationship between people. While not denying the power and passion of that side of a relationship, it alone, will leave us with a hunger.
 
Too many try to fill that hunger by involving more people or chasing the same dream over and over.
 
But life needs balance. I want the passion along with the quiet love and trust that is actually the truest and strongest part of a relationship. 
 
So, I take my time and look for a woman that excites me when I see her, who intrigues me when I talk to her, who needs me when she is hurt and who comforts me when I am weary. The same woman who drives the barbarian in me crazy and whose dark side matches mine. The woman who needs me to be strong for her, but walks through life, hand in hand. 
 
For those who don't understand what I'm looking for, you have my sympathy. Because without it all, I know I will never be fulfilled.

The women in my life (friends, daughters and mother) have told me what kind of woman they think I should look for. I will share that with you: T (in college) thinks I need a Goth girlfriend. She thinks I’m hip and cool enough that she would interest and captivate me. She would go to coffee shops and have long talks with me. She would love me for my warped view of the world and understand me better than women my age. I would accept her as she is, not trying to force her into some mold. T thinks I was born in the wrong generation.
My mother thinks I should find someone that is wise in the ways of the world. She would have to be smart to interest me and she would have to learn to put up with many of my traits that she thinks I share with my father(another damn old cowboy). A good friend thinks I should have a woman who will accept my children and me. My twins (girls age 8) think I need a beautiful princess, because I’m such a wonderful man. I love how they love me.
Since a person's age doesn't matter to me that much, they are all right in their own way. So, I need a goth style princess, who is slightly bent but wise in the ways of the world. She will accept my children and I. Where are you my dear?

OK, it's spring. Time for romance. So why is it I'm so lonely but so reluctant to get back into the "game". I guess it's because I don't want to play, I want reality.
Most people who know me, think I'm this very outgoing fellow. Most guess I'm taller than I really am, shaved head (cause I don't like the side hair growing straight out .. looks terrible), piercing eyes I'm told (my girls say they are warm and loving) and a little cocky (well, I say it's just confidence and not being afraid). So how does a guy like me, find his match.
I want a woman ... average to small. Someone I can pick up. I like doing that. So sue me.
I don't care what race you are or what color hair you have. I don't care how big your breasts are (I think all sizes are lovely). Eye color ... wide open, but I want some spirit in your eyes.
Someone who wants to have a man but can stand on her own if she has to.
Someone who likes to sleep, wrapped in a man's arms.
Someone I can trust:
 Trust with sharing my family
 Trust with sharing my dreams
 Trust that she will share herself with me
 Trust that she will be honest as I will be with her
 Trust that we will be enough for each other .. as long as one is alive.
 Trust with my heart and the secrets of my soul, something I long to share.
Someone to walk beside me, but who is thrilled when I throw her over my shoulder and take her as mine. Someone I can bring flowers and cuddle and share soft kisses. Someone to bring out the protector in me and accept the dark side. Now, how does one find an angel to live with a barbarian like me?

I've had some people say that my search is very difficult because of my personal situation. So, I decided to look at my situation very closely:

I have twin ummms (girls) age 8 and a boy age 9. They are intelligent, loving, curious, playful, and wonderful to be with. They want their dad to have someone to love and they are willing to love her too. I have a son with special needs who is 23. He lives with me, cleans house, reminds me to get groceries, and has been a favorite of every lady I have ever dated. I have had some rough times financially (med bills and such) but I've always had a good job and had a place to live, horses to ride and enjoyed good food and wine.

So far, so good.

Now for myself:
I'm opinionated, passionate, intelligent (maybe too much so), romantic (in my own way), serious at times, boisterous but sometimes having a shyness within me, self confident in my work, a horseman, a pretty good cook and a family man. I'm a reformed workaholic who learned a lesson about the priorities of life. I'm tall, bald, blue eyes, a little overweight and show a few scars from life. I'm learning to eat healthier, cook healthier and take care of myself a little better. I want one last great love in my love.

So that is the package I have to share with someone. The family to me is a big plus. My package ... well, I hope someone wants to investigate that.

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.  – Kahlil Gibran

I was listening to some old music today. Do you remember Gilbert O'Sullivan:

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Man, did that bring back memories and seem to fit my situation. Isn't funny how times change. Back then, I was a cocky young stud, with long hair, beard, the damn original hippie cowboy. I was spanking and screwing my boss's wife (she was a gorgeous lady).Plus, I was involved with several other ladies. yea, slut does come to mind. Now, all I want is one and I can't find her. Isn't life a hoot?

I had a good friend break up recently. My heart went out to her. But then she asked me why men did what they did and why things turn out the way they did.

I am not a good person to give relationship advice. I haven't been very successful in my life so far. I've had some great relationships, but I didn't seem to do my part (nor they their's) to keep the relationship going. It is why I go so slowly into a relationship. It is also why I am so insistent that the relationship be about so much more. I am hoping that if I am very careful, I will find the relationship that will last for the rest of my life.

I need someone who will be happy on a cold, snowy afternoon with my ummms running around the house getting into all kinds of trouble. I need someone who will be happy, sitting in a coffee shop arguing politics with me, as liberal as me, talking about how we want the world to turn into a better place. A lady who is happy riding horse with me, through the woods, on a summer afternoon, maybe with a picnic basket.  Someone, who is happy cooking burgers at the Moose Lodge beside me on Thursday night. A woman who is dressed to nines at a wine tasting at the Art Museum, intriguing me, even more than the wines. Someone who understands spending the night, taking care of a sick ummms. Someone totally happy sitting, listening to music, with a book or doing some work, content, knowing that she is loved. A woman who doesn't mind cleaning barn or cleaning house, but doesn't mind listening or arguing the ideas of a new book or the worth of a new scientific discovery. A woman who gets wet, when I grab her around the neck and tell her I need her ... NOW.

Someone for all the parts of life, someone willing to work hard with me to achieve that life.. It's a very tough search, probably impossible. But, I don't intend to give my heart till I find her.

Too often, especially in our lifestyle, we find ourselves swept off our feet by the passion of sex and the "scene". But, you can't build a whole life on that. I want someone who turns me on when I walk by her. I want someone who can live with me, build a life with me, walk through this world with me.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.

That is what I’m looking for, my last love.

Now don’t think I’m dying or wasting away.

This cowboy has a lot of miles left to travel, but I don’t want to travel them alone. I’m looking for a woman who will share those miles with me.

Some will be smooth and easy to walk, some will be uphill and require us to hold on to each other as we work our way to the top.

There will be boulders in the road and at times, it may seem like we have lost our way.

But, together, we can make this journey.

And when my time comes, I would like to give up my spirit, while laying in the arms of this woman, this woman I will love, honor and trust.

Too often, we let lifestyle or kink overshadow the completeness of a relationship between people. While not denying the power and passion of that side of a relationship, it alone, will leave us with a hunger.

Too many try to fill that hunger by involving more people or chasing the same dream over and over.

But life needs balance. I want the passion along with the quiet love and trust that is actually the truest and strongest part of a relationship.

So ladies, are you willing to love someone enough, that they will honor you, by beginning their journey into the unknown, while lying in your arms?

Well, here we are, ready to embark on a new year. I feel strangely optimistic. We have a president who was not suppose to have a chance to get the nomination, much less the presidency. He is mixed race, has an Islamic name, and grew up with out a dad and yet, we look beyond that to find an intelligent man and a good father.
We have a world filled with economic troubles, wars and challenges that are the most difficult we have faced in years.
Yet, we are optimistic and filled with hope.

With that as my guide, I will approach the new year with the same hope. I'm not going to be crazy in my expectations, but just maybe, this coming year will find someone to fill a void in my life, as I wish to fill in hers.

I've talked a lot about the realistic expectation I have. I want someone to find me attractive. I want someone I find attractive. I like ladies smaller than I am. You can call it a power thing or whatever, but I want to carry them off when I ravish them. I want someone HWP, but you don't have to be a skinny model. From curvy to petite, I've been attracted to ladies. Breast size, ladies, from tiny to moderately large is fine. You don't need a breast implant. I've had passionate attractions from fried eggs (loved her body) to DD. I do love a cute ass that I can hold in my hands (and warm up with them). :)

I've dated ladies from 22 to 50 in the last two years, so age is not a problem. But I need someone with young intellectual curiosity. Someone who shares a passion for learning and for life. I have little ummms, that are a major portion of my life. I ride horse and motorcycle and want someone to share that with. A night at the Moose Lodge to a night at a strange coffee shop listening to a jazz band are things I want to share. I want someone to go to a wine tasting or a picnic after riding horse (yes, I can provide the horse). From a symphony to two stepping to a country rock band at a local club, listening to blues at a biker bar or getting together with family, cooking large meals and having a great time. I love a bottle of wine, some music, a couch and just cuddle time.

I have found it's easier to match the kinks that it is to fit the emotional and intellectual parts of life together. So let's start there and work our way to the kink. I am not submissive at all, so I will never switch. One ex tried to tie me up, had to buy a new bed and get a cast for my broken arm. Ladies, I don't want to share the person I'm with and I don't expect them to share me.

I know I'm difficult. But, I'm looking for the lady to live with for the rest of my life. Someone to share life's journey and find sexual and emotional contentment.

Well, this isn't working.
I've decided that there is probably not anybody out there for me.
Well, so be it. In life you can either worry about the world and its consequences or face it, head on.
I was told I need to change what it is I'm looking for. I don't think that is true either.
I've tried writing personalized letters to people who say they are discriminating and want to take it slow. After a week or less, they have moved on. I don't feel like that is getting to know people.
I was interested in someone. She met me and I thought we had a lovely evening.
I scared the hell out of her or something.
In spite of my reluctance for LDR, I started talking both on-line and by phone with a lovely lady. But, I guess I was too slow moving. She ran off to be with someone else.
So, I retire. If anyone wants to chat as friends, I'm open. I will continue on the boards and be my normal sarcastic self, if only a tad more pessimistic.

I have began to wonder if a lot of what happens on here, only happens in peoples heads.
I do know some on here who are legit. I know some who I do respect. But a lot of what happens, seems to me to be in fantasy land.
So many relationships happen so quickly and are over almost as fast.
Are we so eager for something, we rush to headlong into things that stand no chance to work?
Are there so many fakes or people looking for some pie in the sky that most are never satisfied?
I don't claim to have the answers.
I am just removing myself from the game.

Outside of the kink, what is it I'm looking for in a woman?

I like smart, sassy, confident ladies. I'm looking for a lady who shares my attraction to the dichotomy of certain facets of life.

You will enjoy sitting at a coffee shop and chatting with an avant garde group of musicians, yet enjoy dancing to a country band at the local Moose.

You will enjoy arguing poetry and literature, but also enjoy listening to someone in their 70's tell of how things "use to be".

Cooking together in the kitchen, watching kids run around, to a night on the town, dressed to the nines.

From a formal wine tasting to a shot and a beer, you can enjoy yourself.

Riding horse through the woods to going to theater, both bring you pleasure.

You enjoy surprising me with quirks and interests that expand my horizons.

You feel a passion for things in life that others don't understand.

You have read the constitution and understand it.

You have your own opinion on what Alice was looking for when she went through the looking glass.

You understand that strength in life comes from roots, grown together, that let you reach to the sky.

You can feel my strength, yet know I need you.

You feel comfortable in my arms.

You don't mind that I will hold you most of the night.

What does it mean to submit to a barbarian?

That is a damn good question. There is no protocol. Moods will swing from loving to determined to animal. When the barbarian comes out, he does whatever he wants. He will want to twist your mind. He will want to scramble your sense of pleasure and pain. He will play your body and mind like a musical instrument. He will take pleasure from your submission, from your bodies willingness to submit and enjoy. He want's to conquer your self control.

When the barbarian takes over, there is no safe word. If you think there is something you can deny him for his pleasure, he will want it. Not only that, he will play you, your body and mind, until you enjoy it. The barbarian is in touch with the animal within. He will read your body and mind, by your smells, the feel of blood pounding through your body, the temperature of your skin and sounds you try to muffle. You will feel like you are stalked by a wild beast.

Is that fair ... who said life is fair.

There are those who negotiate and play. That is not me. I understand that not many will be drawn to a barbarian. If you want a total loss of control and being conquered, then maybe you will enjoy a barbarian. If not ... you will dream of what you are afraid of committing to.

And time goes slowly when you've got no one
And life gets lonely when the evening comes
And you're crying in the rain

Say you wanna have your freedom
Say you wanna have your space
You'd better think about it twice
And the sacrifice you're making

Have you ever noticed that how during a busy day, you don't miss what you don't have. But when evening comes, and your sitting alone, you miss having that special someone beside you. I think there are a lot of people in this "lifestyle" that think they have to give up all the other facets of their life, to be "the one twue one". I think that is bullshit.

Why can't I find a woman who wants what I do? Yes,I do want the kink in my life, but I also want so much more.

That touch of hands as you pass by each other.

The head on your shoulder, sleeping while you read a book or watch a movie.

Sitting around a kitchen table with a bowl of ice cream, late at night, when everyone else is in bed.

Debating the finer points of politics over a glass of wine.

Listening to a song,that makes your chest tighten  with emotion, while holding each others hand.

Watching a sunrise with a cup of coffee and a blanket, the warmth of her skin next to mine.

Well, sitting  here alone at night, makes one wonder if the search will bear fruit. It makes on wonder if the loneliness will ever be dispelled and life will be full once again.

Someone asked me to describe myself. That is not an easy task. In all the years I’ve lived with myself, at times, I’m still a stranger.

I’m a father. My children are my focus. I consider them to be the biggest trust I’ve ever been given. With my children, I have great patience. I take joy in talking to them and sharing how they look at life. It’s nice to be able to see life through such young eyes. It gives one the courage to go on and the courage to want to make the world a better place.

I am a cowboy. I grew up on a ranch. I’ve delivered many a calf in the dark of the night. I’ve had to reach inside and rearrange them so that they could come out. I’ve nursed sick animals and harvested those for food that we needed, respecting them and being thankful for the gifts they would give to us all. I think more people should understand the circle of life and appreciate our place in it.

I’m a horseman. I’ve been riding horse since I was very young. I’ve ridden horse, working cattle. I’ve been out on drives in good weather and bad. I’ve had to deal with wild cows attacking and snow storms before the cattle were home. I’ve ridden rough stock and I’ve raced. I’ve jumped horses and seen how others ride. I think that being around horses has improved me. It gives me peace and confidence that so many lack today. Learning to master a horse takes a mind set that many do not have anymore. You must show confidence and inspire confidence. You must learn to guide an animal and teach it to trust you, more than it trusts its instincts. You must develop balance and stamina to ride. It’s not a sport for those who think they are just going to sit and be carried along. Go dashing through the woods, slide down a hill and jump a 4 foot fence at the bottom. It’s not sedate. J

I’m a liberal politically. I go back to the writings and beliefs of Thomas Jefferson. I believe in a social contract between all of us and our government. I don’t believe in government for those who want to fleece the masses or accumulate great wealth by taking from others. I believe it’s the job of government to keep a level playing field but provide a safety net for all. While majority rules, it’s up to the government to protect the rights of all, including the minorities.

I’ve had many jobs, as have many who were raised in the years I was. I’ve been a rancher, an oil hand, a disc jockey and a computer consultant. I’ve been an accountant and a construction worker. From driving trucks and heavy equipment to sitting in offices in tall buildings, I’ve had many experiences in this life. But, more than just finding a way to support me and my family, I now want my work to make a difference.

I love good food and good wine. Silver Oak Cabernets are my favorite wine. My favorite meal was at one of Emerill’s restaurants in New Orleans. I love good bourbon and whiskey. I love good tequila. I like micro brewery beer and a damn good martini. I love a good rodeo and good theater. I love jazz and blues, old country and good rock and roll. I think Mozart was a genius and Copland was too. I love a good book, from authors like Solzhenitsyn, to Shakespeare to Zane Gray.

I’ve been baptized and confirmed and have searched for the answers to good and evil. I went on a vision quest in the buttes by the Missouri and I’ve been to a Buddhist temple, looking for answers. I think we all hold pieces of the truth but man has corrupted many of them to reflect what he wants other to believe, not what is necessarily the truth. I’ve been inspired by a Latin mass and humbled by a Lakota shaman. I’ve found truths in a sweat lodge and lies in a crystal cathedral. I continue the search for truth.

This is just a small part of who I am. If you would like to know more, just ask.

What does a person want out of life?

I see that a lot on here. It usually means someone to beat or to beat you (ok, I’m being a little facetious, but not by much).

I want a full and complete life. I want a farm (lost a couple to divorce and such), just a small one. I want my horses grazing in the pasture. I’d like to have some hay growing and some woods to ride in. I’d like to raise some food to eat and have a nice home. I like patios, instead of decks. I want a nice garden and some fruit trees. I want my kids playing and my lady working by my side.

I want to have great meals with a good wine and good conversation. I like gatherings of friends where we sit and enjoy good conversation. I would like to share that with my lady.

I want intimate times ranging from loving to primitive frenzy. I want someone who loves me, for what I am and in spite of my faults.

It seems so simple. But, then, there is “my kink”. Isn’t it funny how that always seems to make things more complicated? Is it an impossibility to have it all? I don’t know. I hope not, but it’s discouraging at times.

Good luck to all in finding their complete dream.

Have you ever been haunted by a dream? One that makes you wonder if it’s a glimpse into the future or a fantasy that can never come true. I am currently haunted by such a recurring dream. It’s so real I can’t believe it. When I wake up, its as if the tastes, smells and touches are still there.

It’s a simple dream. I’m lying in bed, with my lady. She is someone I don’t know right now and someone I’m not sure I’ll ever meet. She is cuddled in my arms after I’ve ravished her. I can smell the salt from the perspiration on her skin. That mixed with her scent is very pleasing to me.

She is a petite little lady, not my usual type. Tiny I guess is the word for her, compared to me. I’m a big brute of a guy. She is warm and her breathing is slow and steady. I can feel her heart as it beats. I love watching her sleep. I feel at peace (something I’ve not know for a very long time).

It’s amazing what I know about her. The world has not been kind to her. She had great sadness before we stumbled onto each other. She is intelligent and quietly thoughtful. The first time I met her, her eyes had sadness in them. Like me, she had not found where she belonged in the world. We met and talked over coffee. We agreed to meet again, but as we walked out, she turned and ran to me. I hugged her and felt right with the world. I picked her up and carried her to my car. She is such a tiny thing. We went home and I introduced her to my son. I opened a bottle of wine and we started talking. We ate dinner and she fussed around the kitchen, cleaning up. It felt good to watch her move around the kitchen. She gave my son a hug when he went to bed. He signed to me that he really liked her.

We talked late into the night. It was wonderful. We talked about our past, the scars left on our soul by our journey here on earth. We talked about what was important to each of us and we were honest with our needs and wants. She talked of her need for submission and her occasional need to be taken. I talked of the barbarian in me and the times I just go wild. I brought up the age difference and the problems I saw it causing. She said I was so foolish about some things. She said I should make decisions based on my heart not what others think or some false sense of chivalry.

She brought out feelings of protectiveness in me, I didn’t know existed. She called me Papa, like my kids do. It felt right when she did. Then we fell asleep in each others arms, fully clothed.

How does one ache deep inside for someone you don’t know. How can you fall in love with someone you’ve never met? Why won’t this dream go away and quit haunting me?

I've had a lot of people ask my why I am somewhat scornfully of the folks who call themselves cowboys now a days. These folks (white bread rednecks) are full of predjudice and narrow mindedness. Well, here is a definition of a cowboy.


Much has been written about the racial mix of the cowboys in the American West, but because cowboys ranked low in the social structure of the period, there are no firm figures. One writer states that cowboys are "… of two classes—those recruited from Texas and other States on the eastern slope; and Mexicans, from the south-western region. …".[22] Census records bear that out. The cowboy occupation also appealed to freed slaves following the Civil War. It is estimated that about 15% of all cowboys were of African-American ancestry—ranging from about 25% on the trail drives out of Texas, to very few in the northwest. Similarly, cowboys of Mexican descent also averaged about 15%, but were more common in Texas and the southwest.

American Indians also found employment as cowboys. In fact, many early vaqueros were Indian people trained to work for the Spanish missions in caring for the mission herds. Later, particularly after 1890, when American policy promoted "assimilation" of Indian people, some Indian boarding schools also taught ranching skills to Indian youth. Today, some Native Americans in the western United States own cattle and small ranches, and many are still employed as cowboys, especially on ranches located near Indian Reservations. The "Indian Cowboy" also became a commonplace sight on the rodeo circuit.

Over time, the cowboys of the American West developed a personal culture of their own, a blend of frontier and Victorian values that even retained vestiges of chivalry. Such hazardous work in isolated conditions also bred a tradition of self-dependence and individualism, with great value put on personal honesty, exemplified in their songs and poetry.[24]

In the 1930s and 1940s, Western movies popularized the cowboy lifestyle but also formed persistent stereotypes. In pop culture, the cowboy and the gunslinger are often associated with one another. In reality, working ranch hands had very little time for anything other than the constant, hard work involved in maintaining a ranch. Likewise, cowboys are often shown fighting with American Indians. However, the reality was that, while cowboys were armed against both predators and human thieves, and often used their guns to run off people of any race who attempted to steal, or rustle cattle, nearly all actual armed conflicts occurred between Indian people and cavalry units of the U.S. Army.

Today, the Texas and California traditions have merged to some extent, though a few regional differences in equipment and riding style still remain, and some individuals choose to deliberately preserve the more time-consuming but highly skilled techniques of the pure vaquero tradition. The popular "horse whisperer" style of natural horsemanship was originally developed by practitioners who were predominantly from California and the Northwestern states, clearly combining the attitudes and philosophy of the California vaquero with the equipment and outward look of the Texas cowboy.

Actual cowboys in general tend to value personal honesty and have derisive expressions for individuals who adopt cowboy mannerisms as a fashion pose without any actual understanding of the culture. For example, a "drugstore cowboy" means someone who wears the clothing but cannot actually ride anything but the stool of the drugstore soda fountain--or, in modern times, a bar stool. The phrase, "all hat and no cattle," is used to describe someone (usually male) who boasts about himself, far in excess of any actual accomplishments. The word "dude" (or the now-archaic term "greenhorn") indicates an individual unfamiliar with cowboy culture, especially one who is trying to pretend otherwise.

I was talking to a cowboy in his 80's once and he said that no one could call themselves a cowboy, until they've had the following experience. "If you've ever had a herd of cattle to move in crappy weather on a green horse with no help, when some old bossy cow heads off into some brush and disappears. You have to find her and bring her back, with a horse bucking and scared to death of heading into the brush. You not only bring her back, but get the herd home. That's a cowboy."

To all my friends, hello and sorry I haven’t written more notes. Between family and work, once again I’ve lost any time for myself. I’m also trying to learn some new technology. I feel it is my responsibility to maintain control of my career, not my employers. I am amazed how many people, who supposedly say they are in charge of their lives, let their employer guide them into a dead end job where they lose the skills that make them in demand in the job market as a whole. I am in control of my career. Its my responsibility to keep my skills current and headed in the area I want them to go.

I do have to get my butt in gear and try and meet some ladies. Remember, my new years resolution is to be more open and to push hard for a good relationship. A very wise friend of mine (why are you ladies so far away) said I need to get off my butt and quit looking for someone so perfect (as I have described them in my writings). I’ve told her I would consider what she said, because I do respect her opinions. She also said I should at least get out and play some.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve played a lot in my life. I am not some wallflower that is afraid to talk to a lovely lady. I won’t even count the number of times I’ve been slapped for saying things that “some” ladies deemed too forward. I spent time in college on probation for getting caught in “intimate” settings with ladies (more than one a few times). So, it’s not that I’m a prude. I guess as I’m growing and maturing, (man whoever thought I would mature) I have deeper needs. Plus, I’m getting interested in some things I had never considered before.

This Daddy/Dom thing got into my head after talking to some people. This is a whole new area of interest for this barbarian. But, I have a problem. I am very imaginative in many endeavors, but I can’t see a Daddy/Dom relationship unless there was an age difference and she was a petite little thing. So, now I have to work all that out. Maybe L is right … I just need to go out and get laid.

May you all survive this cold ugly winter and I hope you all find happiness and satisfaction.

Only the best holiday wishes for everyone.

Another Christmas is almost past. I’ve made some New Years Resolutions for this year. I’ve been devoting a lot of time to my children. I don’t regret it. I intend to keep my children first. But I think its time to get some focus in my life on what’s important.

I was talking to a very lovely lady in Chicago. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with those Chicago men. She is intelligent, good looking, sexy, thoughtful, loving and submissive. Guys, you have to be idiots to let someone like her be alone.

Anyway, we were discussing the coming year. I’ve decided I need to expect more out of life. I’m not sure that I’ve had high enough expectations for what I expect out of life. So that’s what I’m going to do. “Expect more out of life!”

First:

I have a good job and while many would say that I should be happy with the way things are in Michigan, I’m going to either turn this into a GREAT job, or I’m going to get a great job. I’m pretty damn good at what I do and I deserve to be appreciated for it.

Second:

I’m going to get my farm. This is not just for me but also for my kids. I want my horses grazing in my pasture so I can sit and look out at them all the time. I want room to do my thing, building, gardening and working with the horses. I want room for my kids to run wild and play.

Third:

I’m going to open myself up more to the chance of a relationship. There has to be someone out there that would love an old cowboy. As I say in my profile, I know there exists a strong, complex woman who will take my breath away when I look at her and dazzle me with her intelligence. I want a woman who is smart, philosophical, childlike, mature, wild but needing to be led. I want and need the woman who can submit to the scholar, the cowboy, the gentleman, the barbarian, the child, and the father that is me.

I hope you have a happy new year and all your dreams come true. I hope that I (and you) find the strength within us, to reach for the brass ring and find happiness.

What an interesting two weeks. I’ve had a couple of women tell me I’m too picky in what I want in mate, being attracted to them, loving their intellect and why would I want them to be strong. I was told that D/s isn’t so much based on physical attraction but on the rituals and the dominance. That maybe I’m not a real Dom, because I don’t like rituals and munches.

Bullshit! I’m just going to be who I am. I like strong, attractive, intelligent women. I need the intellectual stimulation, the challenge and the sense of wonder such a woman brings to me.

I had a woman say that she thought I was really a sub. She asked me if I’ve ever been tied up. Yes, I was once. My first wife surprised me when I was asleep. I woke up tied to the bed. I broke the bed post (and one wrist) getting out. I didn’t speak to her till my wrist was in a cast, then I whipped her. No one has tried it since.

My daughter (age 17) thinks I need a Goth girlfriend. She thinks I’m hip and cool enough that she would interest and captivate me. My mother thinks I should find someone my own age that is wise in the ways of the world and a good friend thinks I should have a woman who will accept my children and me. My twins (girls age 7) think I need a beautiful princess, because I’m such a wonderful man. J I love how they love me.

Other than the age thing (which I’ve learned doesn’t mean much) they are all right in their own way. So, I need a princess, who is slightly bent but wise in the ways of the world. She will accept my children and I. Where are you my dear?

I’m sitting here, at 2 AM and contemplating my life. I just turned 52. Yes, I am a Scorpio. Here is some of the highlights of my Birthday horoscope. I will never admit a lot of belief in horoscopes, but (especially in the middle of the night) it hit way too close to home.

You are more idealistic than usual, which can cause a few problems if you‘re not careful. You could be undergoing confusion about what you want from life, where you are headed, and how to go about satisfying your ego. There is a reason behind this "identity crisis"--you are learning to let go of ego attachments. Your self-image is being re-worked, and you are becoming more sensitive to a greater, perhaps more spiritual, sense of purpose.

Its funny. I have been spending a lot of time looking inward. I’m trying to figure out where I will be in 5 years. Its almost a “what have you done lately” kind of attitude.

Mental pursuits, new learning, and all forms of intellectual activity are favored. Expect to be involved in lectures, debates, and discussions during the year. You can convey your ideas powerfully to others, and you may be invited to speak before a group. You are quick to take the initiative and to put your thoughts into action. Mercury's sextile to Saturn means that advances in mental pursuits are likely as you make steady progress towards well-defined goals in this area of your life. Your wit is especially swift and your tongue sharp. This aspect indicates a swift wit and a sharp tongue.

I have been researching and studying new techniquest in business intelligence for health care. Last week, some folks asked me if I’d be interested in speaking at an upcoming seminar. I’ve been very passionate in my proposals lately. I guess we will see how successful they have been. Sharp tongue, so what else is new? J

With Venus and Mars in a square aspect to each other in your Solar Return, your affections are strongly stimulated, and you are more acutely aware of your powers of attraction. Romance, love, and sexuality occupy your mind more than usual. You can enjoy an increase in personal magnetism (as well as libido!), but be wary of competitiveness or tension in existing love relationships, as this aspect ignites your passions in general, whether they‘re feelings of love or anger!

So, I am horny again. I hope it is true that I can have more powerful attractions. I’m tired of waking up alone. That is, if my passions don’t scare the hell out of the ladies. Any submissive ladies that like to live dangerously?

Breaking free from habits that have held you back in the past, and adopting new and improved methods, are strong themes for you this year. Intellectual stimulation figures prominently. Some confusion regarding your life path is likely as you learn to distinguish between what is real and worthwhile and what is only a pipe dream. Solid progress on intellectual and mental tasks, however, is indicated. Romantic excitement is also in store, although it can be somewhat of a rollercoaster ride due to excited passions.

A new and improved me, there are probably a lot of people who would say that is long overdue. I hope the romantic interest includes a lady who can take part in the intellectual stimulation. So, I’m going to have confusion, but progress. Well, at least there is a candle at the end of the tunnel. J

The coming year is a Number Nine year for you. Ruled by Mars, this is a year of completion and transition. It is a time when we need to let go of things that no longer serve their purpose, and hold on to things that have a future. It is a time of cleaning out dead wood, not necessarily for new beginnings. It can be a time when a burden has been taken off your shoulders, and it can be a year of giving of yourself. Advice - let go of things that are holding you back, give of yourself and express your sympathetic, compassionate side.

I guess that is always good advice. Now, I need to look at my life and see what dead wood should be discarded.

The coming year will be a Number One year for you. Ruled by the Sun, this is a year of action. The seeds you plant now, you will reap later. Others might find you less sociable, as you are busier than ever and you focus on your activities and your needs. Still, you are outgoing and your initiative is stronger than ever. Advice - Stand alone, take action, start fresh, express independence.

I hope some of the moves I’m making will be successful. That would be a good start for the rest of my life. I’m not ready to share those initiatives yet. I always feel that would jinx them.

Here is my love horoscope (using Venus sign not Sun sign)

You are confident and positive in love. You associate love and relationships with adventure, learning, and growth. For the most part, you are easygoing in matters of the heart, although you are passionate and do enjoy it when things are going your way! You want to grow through your relationships, and don't appreciate humdrum, stagnant partnerships in which you might feel caged in.  

You love variety, and can be given to exaggeration—not because you are intentionally trying to mislead others, but because you have such an expansive vision in matters of the heart. Sometimes, as a result, you may promise more than you can give. You value spontaneity, and prefer to "wing it" when it comes to love. Planning ahead takes all the spice out of your life. You attract others with a free and easy attitude, and quickly become chummy with potential partners. 

You love to make people laugh, and your goofiness is generally considered attractive. A partnership that is too serious would drag you down. You are a dreamer, and have many visions. Sometimes you let others down, not because you are ill-spirited. In fact, you have a big heart. Instead, it is because your dreams can sometimes be too big, and follow-through is not your forte. In your enthusiasm with a new love interest, you can promise more than you can deliver, and when the fire burns out, it may be all too easy for you to move on. 

You are a generous partner, but you are not easily "tied down". You can be easy to companion but not to partner, so to speak. You require space in any kind of partnership, and need a sense of freedom in order to feel comfortable. 

Well, that is enough introspection for the morning. My seventeen year old daughter says I need a Goth girlfriend who can’t have kids to complete my family. She thinks she will be intriguing enough to keep me challenged.

My mother thinks I need an older lady who will fit into my life.

 A good friend (hello Bandit) thinks I need a lady who will love my children and realize they come first. She thinks she also needs to take part in my dreams of a farm and my pursuits.

A buddy of mine thinks I should stay single and enjoy many women.

I just get lonesome. I want someone to complete me.

Have a good day.

I am amazed at the wonderful ladies I’ve met on this site. While there is too much distance or not quite the spark, I am impressed with the ladies that are here. They are smart, attractive, great senses of humor and are a joy to get to know.

Last Sunday, I was feeling stressed. I put some music on a CD (Starting with Blue Danube Waltz, going through classical, some good rock like the Doors, Jim Croce, Buffalo Springfield and going through Lynard Skynard and ZZ Top. Now why would I put such a weird collection of music together? Musical Dressage! I’m training a horse to dance. We did too. I saddled up Chance, my black mare, and we went at it. From slow, controlled and elegant to wild and exuberant. We side passed, backed up, controlled trots, working in place to wild gallops. We twirled, slid, jumped and went crazy. After an hour and a half, we were both dripping with sweat. (Sounds like a good sexual workout  ... doesn’t it?) I really needed a good ride. Now if I just had my lady to do the same with.  J

I was sitting here this evening, looking back on my life. This week is my youngest daughter’s birthday. I always get pensive when I look back on my life. I’m sure many will say its not Dom like to admit this, but when I look back on my life, I realize that while I have lived large and done many things, I’ve also made some very large mistakes in my life. I’m far from perfect. I hope each day, that I have more wisdom and principles that will guide me to do better in my future. I’m sorry for my actions that caused pain and hurt to people who didn’t deserve that. . While I will never regret the path I’ve taken in life, there are certain steps that I wish I could take over. But we can’t go back, so one must move on. Hopefully, I will have learned from past mistakes and will choose a more honorable road into the future.

I’m just sitting here on a Sunday morning after making my kids a breakfast of homemade waffles. They are stuffed and watching a Halloween movie. I’m sitting here having some coffee feeling almost contented. I wish I had someone to share it with me. Which brings up my biggest problem?

I need a woman to fit my lifestyle and to be a good stepmom to my kids. That is a tough job in itself. My kids are a batch. My oldest is very easy to get along with and very helpful but he is deaf and autistic (but conquering it). My oldest daughter is graduating this year and moving on to college. My three youngest … well, they can be a challenge. It’s not like they don’t want me to get involved or even married again. My youngest is always trying to hook me up with her teacher (who is cute, but do you want to mention to your daughters teacher that you love to give spankings to your dates?), her Sunday school teachers (we won’t go into those fantasies of mine) and other ladies she meets. The last lady I was involved with probably loved my kids more than me. But, my youngest are all going to advance programs (read too damn smart for their own good), have vivid imaginations and need lots of attention and love. For the right lady, this could be good. For a lot of ladies I meet, they don’t want that part of their life replayed.

Then there is me. I want a smart, intelligent woman who I find attractive. I am not prejudiced against size, but I do want a lady I can pick up and throw over my shoulder and haul her off to the dungeon (ok, my bedroom for now). I do need a spark, but I do find a wide variety of ladies attractive. Attitude has a lot to do with it (and I am a leg and ass man). I love discussing politics, societal events, music, books and religion. I like to discover new cultures (no, not just sexual ones) and beliefs. I’m interested in space, science and medicine. I’m curious and I need someone to be ok with and encourage it.

I want a lady who doesn’t need to be on the run all the time, but enjoys a lot of time at home (both with kids and with just me). I want someone who wants to take a few acres and a house and make a real home. Plus I need a lady who can match my kinks and predilections.

So, as I sit her with my kids, enjoying my Sunday morning, I miss her. I’ve never met her (or we haven’t connected yet) and I miss her. Life is strange isn’t it?

I think I’m going to Grand Rapids this weekend to look at da Vinci’s horse in the Meijer Art garden. My oldest son wants to make the trip. He loves the statue (as do I) and a little road trip would be fun right now. I had planned to meet a lovely lady a couple months ago, but, her life took a turn and she is on a different path. I hope she is finding what she is looking for.

I’m looking for a small farm in the area, 10 to 20 acres. I want to have my horses, a garden, room for my kids, and privacy. I’ve been saving to get a place to hopefully share one day. One image still fills my dreams (well there are others but we will discuss them some other day). I am sitting on my porch in a rocking chair with a lovely lady kneeling beside me, my hand stroking her hair, listening to some sexy jazz and watching the horses and kids play. Not what you expected was it?  J

You all have a wonderful weekend.

Does anyone else in the world seem to attract trouble? I sure do. This week I was crazy. I got a very high performance rating and then I was almost fired. Yes, you heard right. I had an article published in a magazine. In it, I was skeptical that health care software is poorly written, uses outdated technology and practices, does not have the dependability of current software and is overpriced. Now, I backed it up with thoughtful arguments and never mentioned any organization by name (neither vendor nor customer). I also said that health care needs to get technical people in charge of their technical architecture. I compared letting nurses and health care administrators running a technical architecture to a business major doing major surgery (ok, I’m not tactful).

It seems that one of our vendors was offended (I did not mention anyone by name). It seems to me that bespeaks a guilty conscience. They complained to the head of our IT department, who was also offended. They demanded an investigation and asked that I be fired. Thankfully my director and VP stood up for me and (I think) its over. Oh well, for now anyway. I refused to back down or reiterate my remarks. Not sure why I have to be so stubborn.

I had a busy week with the kids. The youngest ones mom was in California. I had homework, stomach flue went through most of them, running to and from school (had to take them home from school), allergy attacks, a talk about boyfriends with my 17 year old and lots and lots of homework and projects. I really enjoyed it.

I haven’t dated for a few weeks. I’m debating taking the plunge again. Plainly put, I’m horny and ornery and need - release. I often wonder if anyone ever feels like giving up. I’ve been fortunate to talk to several lovely ladies, but the truth is, with kids and work, a long distance won’t work. I also intend to take it slow. I want it to last this time. Well, soon my desires and passions will force me to try again. A good friend said I need a friend with benefits so I can be more dispassionate when I date and concentrate on things other than sex. I’m not sure that person is easy to find either.

May you find your dreams and the way to make them permanent? Have a good week my friends.

What a bloody hell week. It seems like everyone at work is drinking from the stupid well. I honestly don’t understand how things get done sometimes. I injured a leg with a young horse that I am breaking but its ok now. Last night we had a great session. He is a challenge but I think he is going to be a great horse when I get him trained. He is a big beautiful brown and white paint (great markings). He is very strong and full of himself, but has no idea of control yet. Well, we are working on that. The secret is to do it, without breaking his spirit. It’s kind of like training a woman. I don’t want a spiritless lady doing whatever I tell her to do, with dull eyes and resignation. I want a wild and independent spirit that needs me to channel her life. I suppose most will not understand the difference, but then I am use to being: “different”, “weird”, “out of step”, “strange”, etc.

I am talking with some lovely ladies. The problem is distance. As busy as my life is, too much distance will make it impossible to do a relationship. I don’t like it, but it’s a fact. I’ve decided I need to win the lottery (just a small one) so I can get a farm and do some projects I’ve wanted to do for years and have more of that most precious resource .. TIME. Now if the fates would just cooperate (like that will ever happen in my life).

It will be a short entry this week. I need to get to work. Good life everyone.

I had to run my oldest son to Indianapolis to see his mother. Chris is deaf and has autism, but has had a miracle this last year. His mother and him haven’t seen each other in a year. They had last parted on bad terms and it was tearing at Chris. So, I drove him down (he was very nervous and upset). It was a difficult trip. But, they got stuff worked out. So, it was worth it.

Besides, I got to go to the Corner Wine Bar. It’s a restaurant in the Broad Ripple area of Indianapolis. Sat outside, had a wonderful meal (real food great appetizers, crab ravioli, chocolate moose and two great bottles of wine) and listened to some good jazz. I miss the things in Indianapolis, but .. I have chosen to be very involved in my children’s lives. Besides, it’s only for 12 more years. J

I love good food, good wine, good whiskey, good women, good music and good horses. J

I need to find a lady who can enjoy that with me and also keep up with my love of politics (yea .. still a damn liberal), my love of deep philosophical discussions, art, Harry Potter, Zane Gray, current events (that does not include Entertainment Tonight), world affairs (yea, I listen to the BBC) and so much more. Intellectual stimulation is wonderful. I don’t want someone to automatically agree with me, but someone to challenge me. Well, except about music. I really can’t stand hip hop, rap or modern country.

I want someone to go to wine tasting, symphony, movies, coffee houses, baseball games, horse clinics, bars, art fairs, etc. I want her to be the lady on my arm that everyone is intimidated by, then be my slut at home. I want someone to love tenderly or rape savagely, depending on my mood. I want to relax with her kneeling at my feet, reading a book and playing with her hair. Damn … I want a lot don’t I? 

What a week. We are very busy at work and it looks as though that is going to continue for the next few months. I work in health care (business intelligence and clinical data management). I love my work (well .. most of the time).

Last weekend I went with some close friends fishing in Western Michigan. I’ve never been salmon fishing on the Great Lakes (Lake Michigan to be exact). What a blast. Had a fair afternoon, 2 Koho salmon between 10 and 12 lbs and a King salmon about 15 lbs. We did some wine tasting up around Traverse City. I found a winery I hadn’t been to before that does some spectacular sparkling wines. Yes, I bought several bottles. I stayed in a bed and breakfast in a small town. It had a gorgeous beach and was very nice. I will definitely be back to visit.

I was talking to someone the other day about how I miss having a lady sleeping beside me. They were telling me how they made their ladies sleep beside the bed. Well, if they want to .. whatever works. Myself, I want them right beside me, so I can cuddle, hold her and take her when the mood strikes. I do miss that.

My youngest kids have went to Washington DC with their mother for a week. I will miss them. I love my kids and see them several times a week. Its going to be lonesome around here.

I’m going to break a new horse tomorrow morning. Gorgeous young paint gelding. He is about 16.2 hands. He is dark brown and white, gorgeous pattern. He should be a good horse as he has a good head on him. Someone asked me the other day why I seem to have better luck with horses than I do with women. Its possible that I communicate better with them.  J

Hope everyone has a good week.

Well, another installment in the day to day life of a cowboy aka geek aka caveman (my second wife’s name for me) and … well, we won’t go into what my first wife called me.

I’ve had some interesting chats on here. I look at BSDM and D/S as similar to the Democratic Party … a big tent that includes a lot of people. I guess we need to develop a tolerance for those who choose different paths. I’m working on that. I just do what is natural for me.

I had a young lady ask me why an old man like me would talk to her. Wow. That was an eye opener. See, three years ago, a young lady (early 20’s) chewed me out because I wouldn’t date her. She said I should quit trying to protect her and treat her as an adult. She accused me of age discrimination. We did become involved and I fell inlove with her. But, her path led her to Texas and grad school and research and I couldn’t leave my kids. But I will always love her and be thankful for our time together. She taught me to look beyond physical age to the age of our inner self.

That experience made me not look at age. I’ve dated ladies from 22 to 60. What counts more to me...? Do we share similar interests (not just D/s) but also music, horses, love of discussions, books, movies, good food, wine tasting, Sundays being lazy with kids running around, and lots of other things that let two people enjoy life together. So when I was called a dirty old man, well, it made me smile. I don’t consider myself a dirty old man. Hell, I don’t consider myself old. I have young kids and we are very active. I ride horse and motorcycle. I outwork folks who are half my age. I also still raise hell with the best of them. I admit my looks aren’t that great, but then they never have been all that good. So .. I guess I’ll just keep on looking and treating people as adults, till proven different.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Have a good week.

Well, off to the races for another week. Thanks to all who read my ramblings? It turns out my horse did not have Potomac Horse Fever. It’s a viral respiratory infection. Just keeps them down for a couple weeks. One of my other horses has it, but it’s a lot milder than Liberty's case.
I have 3 horses. My son and daughter ride one each and then mine. My son has a gorgeous paint named Comanche, my daughter has a gorgeous black mare named Chance and I have Liberty - 17.2 hands Azteca who is dapple gray with black leggings and mane and tail.
My pneumonia is being stubborn. I'm on my second Z-Pack. Not sure what it takes to beat this thing.
I've met some lovely ladies on this site. I know there are a lot of game players out there, but there are also some lovely people. Had some offers from a couple fellas. No offense guys, but I'm hooked on the female of the species. I think women are my addiction (well  ... them and control :)  ).
I got a job offer today from a hospital in Vermont. Good place. I was honored, but, I can't leave my kids. I work in computers and I’m trying to bring Business Intelligence to health care. I’m fairly passionate about my work but I am a reformed work-a-holic. That being one of the reasons I’m now single.
Kids... Ok, here is the scoop. There are two different mothers and 5 kids. My oldest is special needs and we had a miracle with him. He is 21 and lives with me. He takes care of me. He picks up my clothes, washes them and puts them away. He cleans the house and does the dishes. I have a step daughter who will always be like my real daughter who is shortly turning 17. I have a son who just turned 8 and twin girls who are 6.
Some people call them my baggage; I call them my purpose in life. I see them several times a week. I am very involved in their care and their lives. They are my number one priority in life. That said ... they are also a reason it’s hard to get a social life, especially one like mine.

My goal for the next year is to get a small farm. The fall in real estate values is working to my advantage. I want a place for my horses, room to garden, and room for my kids and me. I want a bigger house and a little more privacy. Wow, I am sure getting wordy. Well, that is enough for tonight. May life be good to you and may your trail be interesting but fun.

What a friggin week! My horse is down sick (looks like Potomic Horse Fever), but we caught it early and he will be alright by the weekend. The vet and his assistant were having trouble with him (he is 17.2 hands and over 1800 lbs) but when I came he settled down. Doc said it was a good thing Liberty had an owner he trusts (now I just need to find a woman to do the same J).

I came down with pneumonia. The first 10 days of antibiotic were not strong enough (I told the doctor that) so we will do it all again. I had a substitute doc, not going there again so I should be back in shape by weekend. The doctor was going to suggest a couple days in hospital, but, I ended that. I’m the only one who can give my horse a shot (which I have to do twice a day for 3 or 4 days) and I have responsibilities to my kids. So .. we compromised. I took the rest of today off (well except for going out and giving my horse a shot) and he dropped the hospital thing.

Good news from my doctor though, lost 28 lbs and got my blood pressure down without medicine. I’m a believer in control for myself. Doctor is satisfied with my weight, but I would like to trim up a bit more. I guess it’s the control thing.

Someone on site asked me the other day if I demanded women call me Master. I am not sure how to explain the way I am. I don’t play .. I don’t do scenes .. I don’t do what I do for anyone but me and any ladies I’m involved with. I don’t follow books, I don’t register anyone at a web site, I don’t have a house of domination, I sure as hell don’t pay or expect anyone to pay to be involved. I enjoy a woman … using her, controlling her, loving her, ravishing her, spanking her … OWNING her. To me, its that simple. I am still looking for the intelligent, lovely female who will kneel at my feet of her own free will, who will give herself to me. I will use her, fulfill my needs and hers. But I don’t want her to shut her mind off and not think. I want her to be my mate and my woman. I will be the man and she will be my woman.

Well enough of that for now. The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.

Michael

Well, after driving a total of 2842 miles to see parents, brothers and sisters, I'm home. It was good to see everyone and see all the new nieces and nephews.
I didn't beat up my younger (but bigger) brother. I was sorely tempted, but I didn't want to upset my mother. He did bring out the boxing gloves but I just tapped him a few times. For as big as he is (and 12 years younger) you would think he could do better. Can anyone explain why brothers seem to have to test each other?
Did all the memory lane stuff .. sadness and happiness. Visited the graves of loved ones (yea .. hokey as it seems, I visit them too). I went out with some friends, rode horse, did some boating and too much thinking. Sometimes, when your journey has been long and complicated, its hard to realize where it started.
I drove over the Mississippi up in northern Minnesota. Its at a spot that is only 3 feet wide. Yet I've been over it down south where its wider than most lakes. It starts small and grows as it travels. (Here I am waxing philisophically again).
Thanks for the emails, getting replys back as soon as I can. I've showered and shaved and am laying in bed .. now .. if I just had someone to cuddle with  (well ... might do more than that :)  )   Good evening all

Well, I'm going back to North Dakota for a vacation. I’m going to see my family and a few friends. Many of my closest friends are gone. I often wonder why I have survived and others haven't.
I grew up with a rambunctious group. I lost a couple to accidents (one in oil field). I lost some to cancer (we all worked in oil field .. I left .. they stayed .. was I lucky to get out?). I've often thought that had something to do with it.
When I go home I get melancholy about my life and the path I ended up walking. I think of the loves I've lost, the paths I could have taken, the friends that are gone and those still here and the chances that won't come again. I take time to visit the graves of loved ones and to see those who are still here. I pull a certain power from renewing my ties and roots.
Someday, I'd like to share that with someone. But who knows what path I will be on tomorrow. The best fortune teller hasn’t helped me see where I  will end up. So, I will live each day and see where it takes me.

I was involved in my first D/s relationship when I was 12. It was natural. She was 22 but I was in charge. I "took" her. I've know that is what I am ever since.
I don't scene or play .. I want a woman who wants someone to "take". This doesn't mean I want a doormat. I want an intelligent woman with a strong personality. :) I just want her to NEED to be taken and controlled. But I still want times when we cuddle or sit and have long talks about all kind of things. I don't want to stop her from thinking for herself or succeeding at what she wants from life. But with all that, she would be mine. Does anyone else understand that?