To be clear before I even begin this: these are personal views of myself, not on things as a whole. I cast no judgement on others like myself.

You know what I hate? People who assume that "Sub" equates itself to "Slave". That isn't true. As a Sub, I love to be dominated. I love to be a mistress' dutiful Pet. I love losing control, and feeling myself bleed. I love collars and chains, gags and toys. I can be the perfect, willing victim, or the stubborn one. I love being tied down and fucked like an animal. I adore being talked down to, and hearing an accent purred in my ear, calling me a whore. I may not be, but it's what turns me on.

I am not a mindless drone, though. There are days I will ALWAYS speak my mind, and be opinionated. I am an intellegent woman, and am entitled to believe as I will. I am a horn maiden in training for a Norse pagan group, but I also recognize Sekhmet and Anubis. I am a girl who, though I enjoy being controlled, have fought every moment of my life to get what I have. I will always be me....even if I like taking direction...

Laying against the windowsill, with the fan on, and the moonlight shining in, so my poor head doesn't have to deal with the annoying florescent my apartment provides, I tend to lose myself in thought. So many people I know are transgendered now. My ex-girlfriend now boyfriend, his boyfriend who's a girlfriend, and then there's me. There's me, who's losing everyone she knew. Losing two of her closest friends, one to move home, one with another roommate. Me, who doesn't even know who she is. Me, without a mistress, or even just a night-time partner to lay with. Me, who misses more than anything else the feeling of a blade on my skin, or someone hitting me on my ass or back. Me who realizes that she is a girl, really and truly throughout, but admits to being genderfluid. My gender can be subjective. There are days where I'm a male. I am. I bind my chest, I have to pack, or I feel wrong.

Then there's the rest of me. The Norse Pagan child of the Moon. The wolven Therianthrope, with the feeling of phantom wings upon my back. The daughter of the sands who remembers her life in Egypt, in London, in Salem. The girl who is so confused about how all this comes together, that it borders on the obscene. I won't lie, I know that because I'm semi-autistic, thanks to having a disorder known as Asperger's Syndrome, I have problems with all of this. I have issues with change, with who I am, and with being a submissive, with no dominant to show her which way to move. I adore losing control. I hate holding on to it. But I'm a provider. I'm a "mother" to many friends. I'm a psychologist. I'm a girl who works for the Y as a caretaker for children. I'm a sister to two younger brothers with severe problems....

I hate this. I do.

But this is who I am behind it all.