1) Check your problems at the door! If you have issues within the relationship - bring them up, not later, NOW! But issues you have with your job, your life, your friends, your body image have no place here - yes I will be the tool you can vent to about anything, but if you're using those factors for BDSM play or to create drama then it's time to think about BDSM's role in your life, your mental heath and your emotional health first. If you NEED BDSM play to make the day better or to feel normal then you are addicted to the endorphin rush a little too much - you have to be a whole person to come through that door. If you're looking to fracture my primary relationship - guess again. If you do it because you love drama and emotional consternation then you need to check your mental and emotional health, big issue or little - I will try to find a great councillor for you or work you through things, I believe sometimes therapists are needed and so are some medications - but we over medicate and no one becomes "normal", you cannot adjust behaviour with chemicals and expect no consequences. You cannot step through that door hating your body either - you only GET through that door because I ENJOY your body. To hate any piece of you is to hate what makes you you, so if you can't love it, then accept it, accept that part of you as you!
Amendment - by "door" I am referring to the door to the dungeon - if we live in the same household or spend regular time together then ya, you will get upset at times - play is about play, not distractions or petty crap - be focused on what you want, not everything that went bad before play, keep your head in the game please.
2) 3 Strikes and you're out - A basic principal my Mentor taught me, She used it differently as so will everyone else - but the principal is the same, you screw me over that's a strike. If I have to spend hours getting ready instead of 30 mins cause you didn't show up to help and didn't give me enough time to arrange for other help then that's a strike. I will inform you of all transgressions and will seek to resolve the issue. Most strikes I will inform you of before the transgression, for instance I will say I need your help, if you cannot help then arrange or call me so I can arrange for other sources of help. Others cannot be told beforehand - exposing me to an incurable STD - whoa you just blew all your strikes at once, good job! You will ALWAYS be informed of strikes as soon as possible - I will be willing to hear your side of things but doing anything to hurt me or the circle will be a strike no matter what your logic is so long as it's not something like you were in a firey car wreck.
If you:
- Do not circumvent my authority at a protocol event
- Do not leave me high and dry when I need you
- Do not expose me to serious STD issues
- Do not lie/cheat/or steal from me
Then you should be good and can relax in the relationship.
Anatomy of a strike:
A Strike must be called before it has a chance to appear whenever possible,
A Strike must be communicated in the shortest time frame allowable,
A Strike must end the relationship on it's third encounter - we are just not compatible and that's all there is to it.
A Strike can be earned back, but only in very extreme cases and for good reason
Amendment - if you have an STI that cannot be accurately or consistently tested for, was there before our relationship and takes a couple pills to get rid of, I'm not going to sweat it - you were screened for the bad things and that's what's important! I get regular blood and urine tests and some things are just not detectable - even swabbed. I could be just as guilty of this as anyone else - I get screened all the time (3-4 month intervals when with new partners), but they won't know about the little things that you can't even tell you have. So that's fine, knowing about it and not disclosing it violates both the STD and honesty clauses of a strike.
3) There is no crying in Sports - Do not get little with your arguments - arguments are not fights here, stop, think, and talk reasonably with me, enter into negotiations - but calling me bad names and yelling at the top of your lungs resolves nothing and makes the situation worse - if you have to wait to bring up something that boils your blood then wait, go for a walk, hit a punching bag, scream into a pillow - do what you gotta do to get the emotional parts over with. I will never respond well to you swearing, name calling or violence - you wanna be small about something be prepared for me to not receive it well.
4) You are not Master and Commander - I am! You have a problem with me or my subs, you do not get to take authority of the situation - I am your tool to get your voice heard, but you do not have the power to scream at another sub no mater what level you are in the hierarchy. I do not believe in the "power of screaming" - I will mediate all issues. I also take full responsibility for actions and enforcement's.
Amendment - If something happens during play, feel free to excuse yourself for what ever reason, then talk to me directly after - if it requires immediate attention then ask me to help you with something and I will excuse myself - given time and eyes for the safety of my subs considered. This means that if you need me to stop and talk to you you must understand that if we are playing with one other or group of others bound, sub dropped, or otherwise requiring constant supervision then time must be given until play is considered in a safe "eyes-off" state. If it's an issue of one sub being too hard on another in a play scene then safe words/signals are to be used. If that fails summon me immediately!
5) Open Door - You come in without expectation, you leave without expectation, I will miss you dearly but fighting for you? For what? So you can be miserable longer? Forget that noise - you can freely come and go as you please - you may have to start lower on the chain but we will pick up where we left off.
Amendment: I will how ever still want to text you and know you, I know it sucks but I want to make sure you're safe and happy - and still want hugs. If you don't want em just pop me a PM or something asking polity to stop and I will, if I hadn't read any other hints. ";-)~ But know my phone and inbox are always open for chat, help, advice, friendship. I'll never judge, question, or "fight for you", our relationships are solely defined by how you wish to define them, you are volunteering yourself to me, not forced or coerced or guilted, or demanded. I'll give you a boot in the bum or I may wanton seduce, be playful, be comical, all by being myself and enjoying different moods and atmospheres. I do get depressed after relationships, but who doesn't? I'll let you know beforehand because I tend to hide it well and I want to be open and honest about anything. Each individual relationship is important and requires dynamics to build it. Each relationship is different, maybe not by depth of love or adoration but but the things that make them unique and happy. What's important is what's identified as consensual and non-consensual are clearly defined and enjoyments on both sides are known.
6) Use your Words - Safe words and safe gestures must be used and obeyed at all times, you do not get to tell me cute things like "Don't you dare!" Oh I dare alright - using safe words builds trust on BOTH ends - if I can trust you to use them then you can trust me to stop.
7) Communication is 9/10ths of the Law - All communication is required, how you're feeling, how you're adjusting, how did you like it - you don't get to say something to me and another to someone else, that's cheap. I commit myself to you, you can commit to me - I do not get angry I get talkative, if I'm really angry I'll leave, work out the stress and come back to you - but big things are for big people - I will talk to you like an adult over any subject that directly affects our relationship. If it's not related then I may holler at you when my patience is thinned - but we all do that and I expect the same.
8) Master is always right (even if he's wrong) - I will always make words into law - it's not for my gratification or power control, it's to be accountable to my subs, it's to take responsibility for my actions, to maintain fairness in disputes - it saves you from the torment of living with decisions you regret, for me to be the bad guy is fine, it's not really a big thing. I also expect you to respect my words, listen to what I have to teach you, even if it's wrong it fits our situation in the here and now! If I'm having a dilemma then I will turn to my Mentor for advice. I don't want Internet says this or my old Master did that - I don't care, solutions need a trustworthy and experienced source.
Amendment - this is not to say you're not equal, no will you not be considered equal, you will always be listened to and cherished as an equal - but when it's more then just you and me there are other people to consider - if I make our agreement law and another sub higher in the hierarchy says no, she doesn't have to fight the law, she only has to veto you - I take full responsibility for my actions and making changes to the rules is my responsibility alone, so that there is no infighting no drama. If I'm wrong about what colour a punch buggy is or what day is garbage day then feel free to correct me - just not at a protocol event! But if I say we have to clean toys 3 times after play then we clean them 3 times end of story. If sub X wants this and sub Y wants that - then I chose which this or that we go with! This is to preserve the structure of the relationships - it's not just you and me being equal, it's about EVERYONE being equal and if you don't want someone to use their veto power on you I suggest you have a little faith in me. Even if you decide to take it up with a sub without my interaction and she comes to me about it then I will remind them of their veto powers regardless of who's right and wrong. You chose the wrong way to handle things then the wrong decisions are possible. Respect my ability to take care of all of you or you can refer to the open door policy.
9) Remember your power - Do not forget that these are my rules for the circle - you may choose to impose on me that we can negotiate. You have rights, just as I have - my laws are in stone because I have Me, Primary, and Secondary positions to consider and this document only covers my rules. If there are negotiations needed then feel free to exercise your voice and opinion. These rules, say "no eating after midnight" must be acceptable within my rules for the inner circle and any additional handling instructions me or my subs may have.
10) Remember I will always honour what you need - Remember what your handling instructions are, and feel free to discuss with me anything that I may have violated. I have been requested to keep identities secret in the past - this is a fair request and if need be I will accept it again under the condition that my Primary has a chance to meet you and decide if veto power is required or full transparent negotiations are in order. This I do for my protection, to help me make the right choices and to have a witness at negotiations so that everything is covered and safe. Feel free to do the same!
11) Through the Looking Glass - Transparency is a MUST between me and my Primary, if I cannot negotiate with her at my side then I do not negotiate, period! Everything must be open to remain safe and consensual throughout all of the relationships I have. If I can bring Secondaries then bonus! Nothing gets hidden! Play parties are an exception - that's under the supervision of the community and not sexual (if sex is allowed at a party I still won't do it so it's a moot point).
If I think of more I will post them but these are the 11 commandments for being in my circle - it's not how everybody does things, just what works for me and my relationships. You are not my sub because I told you you were, your body is a gift, your mind is a gift, your spirit is a gift that you choose to give me. If you choose not to then that's your choice, I won't try to hold on to you. The only demands I make at the end of a relationship is that you strive to find what makes you happy! That's all I require!
