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	Strongman7

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	I've been searching All my adult life for this lifestyle.... Update I'm taken as of 10/12/15 * My Master wishes me to let those know thank you for your interesting me, but I'm taken He's found me He doesn't wish to share . And I've tried to find it I've always needed a Man to take control in Sex....but also have a caring side about me and my wishes...desires I love sex and enjoy it. I've a high libido. And I'm kinky. I love to dress up and delight the man I'm in a relationship with. I've only been in 2 long term relationships both very Vanilla. I've never been married or had children. I'm educated and raised as a submissive southern 1950's style of household type woman. I want a Dom/Daddy. I need the control and to live the lifestyle I know I want. I'm new to this but am willing to learn, trust, and be instructed by my Daddy Dom. Submission is about trust , reverence , loyalty, respect, and love And I've got trust issues with Men, because of past relationships .... things like not cheating, lying, being loyal, and have a caring side that can really truly communicate. I would like to get to know someone and communicate well towards a Real Life Relationship that has my needs and Daddy's met. I want that relationship that my Dom/Daddy will be my King. My Hero. The man I am devoted to and worship. I appreciate Men and look up to them. I Respect them and am adoring. I'm affectionate, loving, sweet, but have a naughty streak Ultimately I want a man who I belong with and I proudly do whatever he desires This is a real lasting relationship we build together Possibilities are endless I've tried dating a vanilla man and it isn't enough for me. I'm more of a Babygirl or princess type of sub I'm not a slave May you find what your heart desires After talking with a few people who aren't really interested in knowing me or talking I'm not giving out my personal information unless we get to know one another. I've met some real interesting and not in a good way men along the way of this finding a relationship with a Daddy Dom journey. I'm not meeting you unsafely or immediately ... Instantly won't happen. Please don't be selfish, self absorbed, critical, non feeling, cold, fickle, aloof, boorish, and rude. Please be able to communicate and want to talk with me openly. Ideally everyday at some point .... I would like to communicate with you by calling, texting, or emails. I do have instant messaging and skype but I prefer to know you before being on cam Please don't waste yours or my time I want to be respected and appreciated and so do you as a man. Ultimately loved and cared about perhaps someday May you find who you are seeking and find happiness and contentment I find communication...listening...learning are the core of being in this type of lifestyle and in any genuine relationship... If we connect and communicate well I have other way to communicate Xoxo Mel ♥♥♥♥ "Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating." - Simon Pegg "I change during the course of a day. I wake and I'm one person, and when I go to sleep I know for certain I'm somebody else." ~ Bob Dylan So I'm learning I'm attracted to many things... Intelligence.. And fall into the Sapiosexual , Demisexual and I a genuine Submissive in initiating sex I took the tests I saw on a friends profile..... PERSONALITY: ISFP VARIANT: TURBULENT ROLE: EXPLORER ?ExtravertedIntroverted 45% ? ?IntuitiveObservant 23% ? ?ThinkingFeeling 80% ? ?JudgingProspecting 36% ? ?AssertiveTurbulent 52% ISFP STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES ISFP STRENGTHS Charming - People with the ISFP personality type are relaxed and warm, and their “live and let live” attitude naturally makes them likable and popular. Sensitive to Others - ISFPs easily relate to others' emotions, helping them to establish harmony and good will, and minimize conflict. Imaginative - Being so aware of others' emotions, ISFP personalities use creativity and insight to craft bold ideas that speak to people's hearts. While it's hard to explain this quality on a resume, this vivid imagination and exploratory spirit help ISFPs in unexpected ways. Passionate - Beneath ISFPs' quiet shyness beats an intensely feeling heart. When people with this personality type are caught up in something exciting and interesting, they can leave everything else in the dust. Curious - Ideas are well and good, but ISFPs need to see and explore for themselves whether their ideas ring true. Work revolving around the sciences may seem a poor match for their traits, but a boldly artistic and humanistic vision is often exactly what research needs to move forward - if ISFPs are given the freedom they need to do so. Artistic - ISFPs are able to show their creativity in tangible ways and with stunning beauty. Whether writing a song, painting an emotion, or presenting a statistic in a graph, ISFPs have a way of visualizing things that resonates with their audience. ISFP WEAKNESSES Fiercely Independent - Freedom of expression is often ISFPs' top priority. Anything that interferes with that, like traditions and hard rules, creates a sense of oppression for ISFP personalities. This can make more rigidly structured academics and work a challenge. Unpredictable - ISFPs' dislike long-term commitments and plans. The tendency to actively avoid planning for the future can cause strain in ISFPs' romantic relationships and financial hardship later in life. Easily Stressed - ISFPs live in the present, full of emotion. When situations get out of control, people with this personality type (especially Turbulent ones) can shut down, losing their characteristic charm and creativity in favor of gnashing teeth. Overly Competitive - ISFPs can escalate small things into intense competitions, turning down long-term success in their search for glory in the moment, and are unhappy when they lose. Fluctuating Self-Esteem - It's demanded that skills be quantified, but that's hard to do with ISFPs' strengths of sensitivity and artistry. ISFPs' efforts are often dismissed, a hurtful and damaging blow, especially early in life. ISFPs can start to believe the naysayers without strong support. My love languages are : Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up. Physical Touch A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you. Acts of Service Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved Quality Time In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time. Receiving Gifts Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you. You Scored as Submissive Which means ready to conform to the authority or will of others (This was in May 2014 when I joined here:) Submissive 93% Experimental 86% Switch 71% Bondage 50% Sadist 29% Vanilla 29% Exhibitionist / Voyeur 25% Masochist 18% Dominant 18% ~ (This is today almost the end of June) You Scored as Submissive Oxford Dictionary: Submissive: ready to conform to the authority or will of others Submissive 96% Switch 93% Experimental 93% Bondage 61% Dominant 50% Sadist 43% Exhibitionist / Voyeur 39% Vanilla 29% Masochist 21% You scored as Hedonist 94% You scored as submissive 79% You scored as Switch 75% You scored as Dominant 33% You scored as Vanilla 17% You scored as Masochist 8% You scored as Sadist 0% You scored as Sadomasochist 0% What kind of babygirl are you? Your Result: Happy-go-lucky 77% You are sweet, and quiet. You do what Daddy says and may be a little bit of a bookworm. One of your favorite activities is cuddling, and you're a little bit of a romantic. Daddy enjoys being around you because you always do what you're told and you're forever grateful and appreciative. Daddy loves you more than he could ever express. You believe that you two will grow old together. You and your Daddy may enjoy: Watching movies, cuddling, going out with friends, and listening or playing your favorite music. 31%Spoiled 29%Princess 29%Punk 17%Sexy ~*~I am not looking for just online , webcam, or to be a free hooker or phone sex operator and I mean that kindly. Meaning to those .... who don't get it....I'm not here for a hookup, casual sex, random sex with strangers,booty calls, or an extra marital affair , or to be your girl on the side.... Or you fly in and get sex and go I am not here to collect people..... If we don't talk ....I won't add you as a friend and will delete you if we never speak past the initial email. I don't like being blown off or ignored ....I'm not here for when it's only convenient just for you. I'm a submissive princess and baby girl ... I'm not a doormat for you to walk over me. I don't prefer to talk with anyone who's only pic is of their package and generally will not talk if you don't have a picture of your face. I don't respond well to crass or crude emails telling me what you'd like do to me and me you . I am here to find a real relationship that includes my D/s and Daddy/ baby girl and / or Princess lifestyle. And a 1950's style lifestyle. That I find my Daddy Dom and we start discovering Desire and passion together. This is spot on about me : Personality...., Sensitive, emotional, self-protective, caring, humorous, reactive, responsive, sentimental, home-loving, traditional. My bad traits .....I can be moody, clinging, demanding, melodramatic.... (My princess and baby girl side) In Love/ Lust.......Nurturing, loving, sensual, generous, sympathetic, protective, possessive, erotic, overly emotional Like.... Comfort, security, safety, being wanted, feeling needed, family and friends, home, emotional honesty, stability, commitment. Dislikes.......Disloyalty, Unpredictable change, insincerity, being ignored, dishonesty, impulsiveness, cheating and philandering unless discussed. And if you've made it all the way to the bottom and actually read ..... Please be respectful, loyal, honest, and treat others as you'd wish to be treated I deserve to be accepted and loved as myself Xoxo Mel

10/13/2015 7:31:27 AM

I'm taken I've found my Master Orr he has found me I should say And he doesn't wish me to be seen advertising looking anymore I belong to him He doesn't share his property * Thank you for the kind interesting me but I'm taken now I'm happy and glad Xx, Melissa

5/16/2015 12:55:25 PM

f or those who have me as a friend , I'm so sorry I let you know I e been in CMC northeast hospital since April 16,2015 I've had a stroke and recovering L I need someone who can get me and this I hated being alone and this sick Xoxo , mel

4/30/2015 3:13:16 PM

still recovering.dislike doing alone...but I'm determined and strong.xx, Mel

4/28/2015 2:03:26 PM

recovering fRom a stroke due to pulmonary emboli xx, Mel

4/7/2015 5:24:48 PM

I do write here and on Fetlife I'm searching for something I see others have I envy those who are with another and they belong with each other. I want to belong to him and he adore me as myself I'm searching for my best friend I'm searching for my lover I'm searching for a man whom I can share anything and everything with I have my baby girl moments of insecurity and being afraid I am truly the quintessential 1950's girl who likes being Daddys Girl. I want to pamper and love on him I want to ease his stress and burdens I want to feel comfortable and protected Loved and desired A Man who isn't Selfish.... Self absorbed ...... Boorish...Nor Narcissistic The man who brings me flowers for no reason The man who texts me everyday to say hello and says sweet dreams if we are away from one another That man that I can have comfort...feel easy ...... His ...and protected The man who delights in seeing me as his baby girl I am domesticated and enjoy cooking and keeping a home clean, neat, & tidy I prefer to wear dresses or skirts Because I'm girly and I like to feel like a erotic woman The right man will see what I offer Yes chemistry must be there .... Attraction is what we see at first But I need chemistry of attraction , connection of mind , soul, and body I don't do well with the first time you introduced yourself you demanded something of me I don't even know your name and Suddenly you demand things of me ? Nope .... I need a connection and bond I need chemistry of sexual attraction... Mental connection ..... Spiritual and soul connections. I need Intelligence ... Humor ..... Kindness... Compassion .... Tenderness .. Articulate in speech.....generous in bed .... High libido...... Kinks like mine The man I want to lead me safely and securely in adventures and explore things together I want us to be with one another in a caring and loving way Yes I'm sexy and sexual passionate woman I'm confident but sometimes it is difficult due to others being cruel I feel confident around people who accept , want , & love me for myself I unconditionally love and accept people I care for. I'm feeling lost and don't think what I wish for exists Where are you Daddy ? I need him to worship and devote myself to loving him and he me I'm that quintessential girl stumbling along to find him The man I can be myself with and feel comfort, acceptance, and loved (hopefully) I Need You Daddy .... I want You to be here soon Xoxo , Mel

3/15/2015 11:33:35 PM

Well as of this moment I'm another year older... Wiser ... Check yes I've encountered all types this journey to finding my dreams and a man in my life. And friends who are people who value authentic real Love.... Loyalty... Faith in others and themselves... Support and Lifting each other up and Help if we are able...Laughter .. Intelligence.... Caring..... Empathy... Compassion .... Mercy .... And Attraction of a kind in sex but more than that. I am a Real Genuine Woman .... I say Girl about myself because I've never been married or had children. I spent most of my teens and early adulthood raising my brothers out of wedlock daughter.. Taking care of my terminally ill Mama who had Lupus SLE My father had left my mom for another woman who he cheated with when I was roughly about 6! Years old. He came back and then let again when I was 16. So I held my family together and worked 2 jobs and went to UTK in Knoxville TN for one of my degrees. I didn't date much I met someone who,was my closest friend for the first couple of years and then we fell for each other. I was asked to marry him and I said yes 4 weeks later he was involved in a hit and run accident on his way to my house on Easter Sunday. His neck was broken and he was ran over twice. They saw they hit him and then backed up and ran over him again. Witnesses came and told the police that. He was the only person who loved me enough to ask me to remain in his life as his. I was in 2 LTR 10 years after.... But it took me a long time. My mama died next Then my Father. So I've been alone since I was in my early twenties. People leave or die .... No one celebrates my birthdays anymore Just me and the rescue puppy. I miss that though Belonging to and with someone Your own family of sorts ... I miss it I feel comfortable more around people now that I've worked one on one with people as a Nurse. I was painfully bashful as a child I didn't like others to see me upset or cry Now hell I am naked in front on people at the hospital or at home ...and I'm like that's your issue if you see me naked and don't like it I'm respectful,but no overly modest Bodies are that bodies I've seen plenty of naked people in my career daily So it's just myself Boobs, hips, belly, thighs, and me I wonder at times if I will ever meet someone willing to step out and know me Who can be loving... Caring.. Tactile.. Affectionate... Sexual... Vastly intelligent...funny and sense of humor... But protective and passionate Gets when I'm scared I run away and hide from others I do not do well being the aggressive pursuer I need a man who shows he cares just not words I mean a text takes 1 minute An email a few minutes A call which I hate the phone but ok it's just a few moments That isn't so selfish and cruel demanding I do not want to feel under that stress that I owe you something Devotion and adoration come from freely loving unconditionally And I want to not hide things from each other Lying and cheating don't work with me I'm forgiving but not a doormatd or punching bag for anyone to use Not emotionally or mentally Physically I like tactile and rough but passionate sex I also like taking your time making love with someone I care for and invest myself into adoring I've been hurt physically , sexually, and emotionally by people I loved Yes I've had a vicious brutal sexual assault when I was 15 by someone I went to school with. I pressed charges. I had a broken jaw and bite marks left on me afterwards I'm not scared of men And not all men are like that But it's why I don't want to be a slave to another with no say so or rights I'm submissive and old fashioned in gender roles in a relationship But I won't let someone harm me again I want my best friend I can explore sex with and have a loving relationship with I don't think that's too much to ask for I am tired of being alone I will admit Xx Mel

3/7/2015 10:24:22 PM

I've been in the hospital for a few days I was at my hematological oncologist when he sent me by ambulance I was not happy with this but he didn't really give me a choice As an RN I don't like going to the ER unless I'm dying literally Too many sick people there to give me something with my immune system compromised and my illnesses are rare They do not know how treat my illnesses because only 1 in 60,000 people have one of them and 1 in 100,000 people have the other caused by the first one. Ugh I've been prodded and poked... Needles stuck in me ... Etc My nose was bleeding for days and I'm on blood thinners so they didn't like that They think I threw a blood clot again It's impossible to talk with people if they know your recovering I'm still beautiful I'm still kind and wonderful I just have things I cannot do I actually need someone who looks after or out for me at times Like a Daddy Dom would if we were together and lived with one another I needed to lay in a daddies lap today and be held There are times I feel like giving up or in to these to my illnesses And saying fuck it But I don't and I fight for myself For my rescue puppy because she gives me something to fight for because I love her I'm tired of crying so I'm going to try and rest some before I'm woken up My cell is dead and I don't have my charger A friend lent me her tablet briefly here Xx Mel

3/4/2015 12:45:12 AM

Yes I am actually a Princess You know I've been on dating sites and online friendships since the Internet was offered and publicly used .....and had my first computer. To me that meant more ways to communicate with others and easy to do. Then texting came and same thing easier to communicate and faster. I will talk on the phone but at times it is impossible to talk on the phone. I prefer texting or emails personally and will talk by phone or cam if I am close with someone. Then FaceTime and Skype...... In person talking with those you trust. I am a woman that likes open and easy communication. I am submissive in most things.... If you read my profile and writings you will understand more about me and what I wish for in my life. I've had a few "Daddy Dominant" men approach me and start a conversation. I am also looking for friends along this journey that I can converse with and see how they are. I don't like pain much. I don't want to be degraded and humiliated. I don't like urine or feces play I don't ever want to be shared or given to another man than the man I am with. I will never be involved with children. I will never be involved with animals. I like some biting and spanking... I've never been choked and it slightly frightens me. I am NOT a girl you step all over and are mean or cruel to. The moment this happens I'm out and done. If you call me rude or profane names in anger or hate I will ignore you and never talk I have learned the ability to close off and be numb to those who hurt me When I'm upset or hurt I hide When I am hurt and harmed I close off from others I am respectful and polite to those who care about me but I don't talk or am quiet I don't interact with those I feel have hurt or upset me That's me protecting myself I deserve to be treated with care and concern I deserve to be protected and loved I deserve a man that adores me and wants me above anyone else I deserve to be seen in the light I need and desire to be I am not a doormat for you to walk upon and try to break me or my stubborn spirit I am a woman deserving of adoration and protection I need security and safety . I want a man of intelligence and Witt A man of humor and sarcasm A man who has sensitivity and character A man with a tender and kind side A man who is confident in his self and ability to communicate and Care for another A man who can offer me love and care That He understands my neediness and clinging is because I get afraid and scared That's me holding on to you for support and safety When things are chaotic and busy I get that ...but a simple text or email is an easy thing to do. When I hurt or harmed I go and hide When I feel afraid or not sure I get quiet and reflective I analyze things Coming at me hard and fast makes me think you're a player or I'm a game to you I want a man that has depth of feeling A man whose In touch with his spirit and soul That knows he is all that matters to the right woman and sub Yes I may be unrealistic in thinking I can find my best friend and lover who is my Daddy Dom But that's what I'm looking for. Truth and loyalty I'm honest and blunt to most things I say and want I am not a casual affair type Not a free piece of meat for a man to come and thinks he can have or take I respect myself too much for that I am confident in most things I was raised to defer to men and that they inside of a relationship make the rules But he also has to love and care for the person he is the head of a relationship and household. I'm old fashioned that way .... I rarely approach a man first But I've run into those who think that they can control you and must do what they are saying .. With no real relationship that was agreed upon or I even know them well Then they get pissed off when you have things that people have daily come up in their lives Or their only interest is what can I do for them ? I want a authentic relationship with a man I truly Respect. I admire and appreciate him for just him being himself Yes I am a sub /princess/ Babygirl type of woman But that doesn't mean I don't want a life and relationship that Involves both of us I want someone who notices and cares when I'm struggling or having a turn of events or I'm sick and ill. I don't want a selfish and self absorbed man I like confidence and cockiness I am confident in most things. But Men I don't think I will ever know really I've survived and endured through many things that caused much pain and heartache And some devastated me for a while Things that would have and could have broken most people My best friend says I'm the bravest person she's eve met She thinks I'm beautiful and she has been in the beauty industry for 40 years I've have to endure and survive I'm just myself To some man someday I will be extraordinary and special I don't want a sadist and I'm not masochistic I like playful biting and smacking my ass Pulling my hair or by the neck That's part of the fun of getting someone erotically excited I want that man who can make me never cease wanting only him The man whose my drug of choice as it were and me his He is ... Addictive . . Spicy Elegant Funny Articulate and witty Loves my dog and she does him. This is important because I will keep The puppy forever and not be with him if she doesn't like him . I like my puppy "happy" more than some humans Why is it so foreign to people that I'm looking for a man who has these qualities but so many more Just because I'm different doesn't mean I'm unworthy I feel everyone deserves to find that person they connect with on many levels and be happy Yes someday I want to belong to a Daddy Dom ....but no not as a slave who has no say or rights I don't want to ever be placed in a position where I am taken or given to another man I am loyal and faithful I keep my love for my Daddy My thoughts are with him We text during the day I say hello in the morning and goodnight if we were not physically in the same space together I want to know I'm on your mind and you're on mind We all have busy moments in our lives where we cannot talk or have time for a long conversation That's why we have email,or texting Just a short message to say what you think... Want... Need Or it could be a picture if you want or wish Technology has made it easier in so many ways ... But it also makes it colder and easy to misinterpret Or not know the tone or context in which it was meant. But please read my intro and things I've written I am actually a Princess A girl who wants to,be treated with a mixture of awe , love, direction, want, need, seduction, tenderness , affection and honest loyalty I'm digging my way out of a lot I've survived the horrible and I'm clawing my way to the top and trying to not sink down as I go The harsh and hard disciplined man who wants to control every part of me and everything else ... It will scare me away Men are supposed to lead and woo a woman They're there to guide and help their woman/ sub/ girlfriend etc I want you to Protect and be by my side I want those hands to hold me To be by my side whenever I fall Feeling safe and secure with you and in your arms is what I wish for I thought this journey to meeting people and finding the man who could be my Daddy Dom would be a little easier and more simple But there are all kinds of people and the way they are And the ways they are couldn't or wouldn't immerse and connect with you and your needs I do get discouraged and disappointed It's not up to me to chase you It's not up to me to be courted and wooed It's not up to me to always do the communication and keep things alive and going I cannot read a man's mind juts as he cannot mine The key to any type of relationship is communication and that it's not all about one person Give and take Sharing and loving Being erotic and sexual with each other Where you don't stop trying for one another Don't stop choosing me and I won't you forever and always I want always have my heart racing for you I will always watch as you leave I won't stop losing my breath when I see you I will always want to hold your hand I'm a romantic and tactile person Affection and touching are important to me and I hope to the man I seek You can calm the seas of feeling I feel I would give him all of me for all that he is He will be the man who holds the beating of my heart in his hands For all that I am I want to lay down at his feet Sure sex is involved in a relationship where you want to be a close as you can be wrapped up in each others arms I don't sleep well since I'm sleeping alone I'm holding on I want to hold on to you I guard myself from hurt but I won't be with him after I am his It's a day to day process when you love someone I'm falling apart at moments Barely breathing with a broken heart that still beating In the pain there is healing for me z I find meaning in people.... In a man I can love and be myself with entirely I want to be that woman ... That He doesn't want to be anywhere without me He would be all I have ever thought and dreamed of He doesn't want to anything without me I have walls that protect me And it takes a lot to tear ... brake those apart and down I am a princess but also have a naughty streak for the Right Daddy Dom I need him to shelter me and be there for me and me do that for him I will always have his back My demons are woven in my soul And I can only show those things to a man I trust endlessly. Because I'm adventurous and experimental doesn't mean I don't need a shelter from the storms of life He will be my rock and everything I've been given another chance at life and happiness So I'm trying to find a kind man of depth and character who can invest into me and me to them I need a man who keeps his word and protects it This princess is here Xx Mel

3/1/2015 1:24:21 PM

I am hiding out for a while Both fetlife and collarspace. And in the vanilla world on facebook ... Tumblr... Instagram .... Pinterest ... Etc I feel lost . Isolated... Rejected.. I'm recovering and trying to do some things But at times my illnesses come first as my body reacts to treatment and meds I wanted a best friend who could be a Daddy Dominant ... Being a sub and Babygirl .... I can get needy and clingy when I feel bad or scared I need that reassurance and comforting I need him to be strong for me but tender and caring Ultimately I want to adore and worship him And he love and adore me Sex would be the connection on many levels Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, ...Soulfully and Spiritually I'm actually really ill this week and seeing my heart transplant doc and my hematological oncologist Please bear with me ... I'm struggling I need the person who would support me and guide me but not in harsh and means ways I don't do well with people who are angry , cruel, mean , and not kind I tend to shut down when those things happen and I isolate myself to be safe I need the man who Would be loving, affectionate, tender , & very communicative consistently. Patient and kind ...gentle with me at moments I'm devoted and loyal but I need communication and understanding I'm out for the day... I've got a hectic week Those who know me and I care I'm here ....just really ill and sick Everything Changes Xx Mel

2/16/2015 2:17:42 AM

I started writing yesterday and became really sick for a little while. I try to explain my life to,others and they stop me not wanting to know the details at times. So I back up and back away a little If you don't want to know about me and me know about you how are we supposed to,communicate with each other... And build a solid foundation for a relationship Even friendships have talking and learning about the people we want to know and be around. My number one things in any relationship is truth and loyalty. With me.... I don't Inherently trust blindly anymore. I wish I still did. My heart has been eviscerated too much. But the trust was broken along the way by immediate family, close best friends, real life friends, 2 LTR serious real life relationships, and men I tried to date or know. I did not know there was labels for the things I felt about myself most of my adult life. I did not know I wanted these things for a long time. I just knew nothing worked with the people I loved and they claimed to love me back. I didn't really acknowledge my own personal sex drive and sexuality until I was 32. I tried to be what everyone else wanted and needed me to be all my life until my mom died. After that I gave myself permission to have the life I wanted to explore. I still didn't have that. I finally after almost dying a few times the last 2 to 3 years said I was finally going to look for that place I felt myself and try to be happy. That was 8 months ago. So I've been here met the creeps and those who play mind games. The men who are just looking for free sex by phone, on cam, or flying in for free hooker for the visit. I don't play those games because those things hurt me and destroy my self worth. I'm a submissive Babygirl type who doesn't need to be hurt and harmed but protected and cherished. There is a Shakespearean quote from Romeo and Juliet ..... "The more I give to thee.... The more I have ....for both are infinite." What that means is when you really love someone ..... It doesn't matter how much they Give back .... None of it matters... love is infinite. I joined another site a few weeks ago to see if there is a difference. Yes there is . I'm training with a Daddy Dom and trying to find out if I will find a serious real life relationship with a man if I can truly know him and a affection and love can grow with. I take sex and feelings seriously I don't just give my heart and soul to anyone My body definitely not I'm loyal and devoted I don't cheat on the men I've been with although in my past they did me. Lying and cheating ( me not knowing that you sleep with others ) is something I'm not good with. Trust is built upon slowly and if I allow you in I takes me believing you. If I feel uneasy or that I'm not getting from you what you said you wanted to bring to me or for me to some sort of connection. I will back off and the trust goes down. That is simple human nature to those who have been hurt or been in situations of taken advantage of. I try to be open and say my concerns and fears. I've been told this is neediness and being clingy. I think that is the submissive Babygirl side of me that gets afraid and needs reassurance, attention, affection, and eventually love. I'm not bratty or one who tries to anger a Daddy or Dom But I do have a stubborn personality at times. That's trait has kept me alive while fighting for my life to honest. And I've been told by someone who knows everything about me and my life even things I've never said aloud to anyone before .. And the things I have had to endure, survive, and fight for ....that I was the bravest person she knew. And she's survived as much if not more than myself. I don't see it her way but I'm grateful she's seen me for me. She's seen me struggle for 3 years now and is the Closest thing to family I have. She knows I'm kinky and like D/s but she doesn't understand those sides of me. And since she's my closest friend and family I leave her out of my dating and sex life. She's doesn't need to know those things. I don't interfere in hers and she doesn't mine ... Lol But she's seen my own family hurt me in person as well as her twin sister has. She seen me have my chest and sternum cut open and on a breathing machine. She seen me turn blue from the loss of no oxygen etc . She sees my struggle everyday. And I don't let many see me that way. My own Father made me feel badly about crying and being weak in front of anyone. So I try not to do so. I am a woman and feel like ....a girl most of the time. I have moments of vulnerability. I feel like I'm falling and keep falling or the rest of my life. Some one said to me " When two hearts are meant for each other....no distance is too far...no time is too long...... no other love can break them apart....I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear." I am always a work I progress. My desire has always been to be with a man who cherishes me and adores me for my kindness...devotion....affection....love....,and service. I am passionate and sexual and feel comfortable with my feelings being expressed. I am a glorious woman who believes sex is a way of bonding and connection. I am not one who can just take off my clothes and be intimate and vulnerable with anyone and everyone. I like to take pictures and share them with others because I am an Exhibitionist up to a point and a Voyeur as well. I need all my senses aroused Smell . Touch. Taste. Hearing.. Seeing ... I don't apologize for being myself and knowing my own desires and kinks I've finally come to accept myself as I am. On some days I'm Beautiful and Charming I have depth and layers of who I am and what I've lived I long for a future where I worship the man I am in love and lust with Love changes how you are and how you feel The chemistry and bonding The playing and control Innocence and sexiness I am a romantic woman and it won't change I love the feeling of attraction and coming together The thrill and back and for flirting I want the man who will be my last lover I am in training as I said with Daddy Dom and seeking that serious real life relationship. On my own down time I read things that others may think I am nerdy. Shakespeare , Jane Austen, Charles Dickens .... I watch Masterpiece theater .... And horror .... Syfy .... I am a foodie and love to cook Am very domesticated and trained to be a 1950's wifey type . I love to dress up and be dolled up for Daddy Lingerie and dresses .. Stockings and heels I would love it if My Daddy at some point liked to be active in how he wished me to look I have never been the recipient of gifts that he wished me to wear or do for him. I'm curious about that though A daddy or Dom who would be comfortable doing that I've always been the one who spoiled my partners They never did that for me So it hurt that they didn't do so It was like I didn't matter to them I was ignored unless I was wanted for sex That I absolutely hate I like intense emotion and passion I prefer open and frequent conversation If some of these didn't occur in my relationships I felt neglected and resentful And if he has other women I felt ditched and replaced I not a jealous person but I don't share the man I love and and having sex with I want my Daddy possessive I want him to know I'm his and only his That he owns this body I like that I'm beautiful and sexy at moments and he knows it. That I'm his and others can look but not have me but he can. I like that the man woos me ... He does the wooing part and being a woman I am. The passive side and responsive girl. That I will be ready at some point to give my body to Daddy. Because I implicitly trust him and have fallen in ecstasy with him. This is no ordinary love story and Daddy Dom and Babygirl Sexual passion and Dedication Everything Changes I am still meeting friends and discovering this lifestyle with help and communication from those who are my friends. I'm still here to talk with you .... Xx Mel

2/14/2015 6:34:37 AM

Hello , Well Happy Valentines Day to everyone ! I miss being in a couple on this day.....truly .... I've not had a Valentine but Once in my lifetime. And he made me a beautiful rose with various colors out of tissue paper and staples. And he was 41 years old...lol So this day for me is a sucky one without Daddy or his body next to mine. I'm alone in sexy lingerie I took MY OWN SEXY curvy girl seductive pictures. I did not see any online that actually.... I wanted to put up to say how I see Valentines Day. I'm a bbw/ curvy girl/ chubby/ thick/ Rubenesque girl. Did my hair and makeup to look pretty for the pictures I took. I did so for myself to send ... I put some up on here and a new one for Collarspace. So what you wish for on Valentines Day ?' I want to be with the person I care about and for. And that I am romantically and sexually involved with. I wish I could be there with them. I have had ideas all day .... Xoxo , Mel

2/13/2015 11:51:03 AM

I guess I need to say this .... I appreciate all of the emails I get here and on fetlife. I am currently in training with my Daddy who found me. I try to answer the emails if I think the other person has been respectful and is interested in just being a friend. But I get so many at moments it would take me forever to answer every single one. Some you cannot answer because the other person won't let you be nice and just say no thanks. I don't mind being friends with others so I can learn more of the bdsm lifestyle. I would have done this even if I had not discussed it with my Daddy. And i did tell him about this before I discussed it with him because I'm a loyal and devoted girl to the person I am with. I can truthfully and openly say I've never cheated on someone I not only just dated with out sex being involved .....let alone a man I was intimate and had a sexual relationship with. My big things for any type of relationship including an actual friendship is Trust..... Honesty..... Dependability....... and Loyalty. If you cannot be open and truthful with me then I cannot open up to you and be a friend. And definitely not a romantic or sexual relationship of any kind. I'm a beautiful, giving, kind, funny, wonderful person if you get to know me and I allow you to do so. The reason I'm very cautious and careful is even in my past Romantic relationships and also in just friendships I've had those who've betrayed my trust , affection, and love. My exes cheated and lied about it. My best friend of many years was sleeping in my bed with one of my ex boyfriends and she was married. I don't judge but I also don't want to be involved with a man who cannot be true to himself or those he cares about. I respect , appreciate, admire, and am still learning about my Daddy. I hope to care for him and I would never want to hurt or betray him. Now if you can keep it on a friendship and be respectful I'm ok with that and so is he. He does look at both my profiles and I would have no issues allowing him to have any information he would want. Ultimately I would want the relationship to be about his decisions and what he wants for me. I was raised in a taken in hand or 1950's household environment. And my own Father made the final decisions in my home growing up. My mother was asked her view on things but he made the decision even if she didn't agree totally with it. And she respected and adored my father until she died. I can be more reserved with strangers personality and do not really like huge crowds of people but can manage them for concerts and movies etc. I was a very nerdy and bashfully shy girl growing up. But have learned to be more outgoing with the jobs I have had over my career. I was a Live in professional Nanny for several families and a Registered Nurse. I hope you find what it is your seeking and are happy ! Xoxo Me

2/10/2015 4:19:31 AM

music: Global Deejays ...........The Sound of San Francisco ( * one of my favs ) The Dead Weather ......... New Pony The Black Keys........ Just Got To Be Patrick Sweany ........ Them Shoes The Muggs ...... Never Know Why Gary Clark Jr.......... Bright Lights Radio Citizen......... The Hop Cage The Elephant.......... In One Ear The White Stripes...... Little Cream Soda The Dead Weather .........The Difference Between Us (*love) The Black Keys.......... Thickfreakness The Steepwater Band......... Dance Me A Number Jack White ...... That Black Bat Licorice The Black Keys..... She's Long Gone (*sexy) The White Stripes ..... Girl You Have No Faith In Medicine Queens Of The Stone Age ........ No One Knows (*) Gary Clark Jr................ Next Door Neighbor Blues Dave Gahan ........ Bitter Apple ( love this man*) Caesars......... Work It Out One Republic....... Something's Gotta Give (*love) I had a another version of my thoughts typed and written 3 hours of music listed And checked over to my email And "Poof!" There went what I've writing for hours So ok I'm kind of tired now But I've had a lot to process the last few days I think I said too much Too soon I talk a lot when I'm nervous or worried Scared or frightened I back off and Away I know I've written on here for months I have basically been searching for a man yes and friends who could guide me through learning A man I could have many things with And be honest with about sex Most people can be afraid to ask for what they want and need to be sexually excited and turn on I think that you have to fit what each other seeks or needs let alone wants in their intimate and private lives Sexual attraction and erotic playfulness is essential So are for myself attraction and being able to discuss things on a mental and emotional level Having conversations and sometimes not having them but understanding one another and giving them time and space I think sex is a huge thing that people find they are not compatible after they get together. The people who are involved with one another and want each other but don't mesh together sexually or they won't be upfront about there desires and needs in sex with each other I've had 2 LTR relationships I had a short one with Nick before he was killed on his way to my home on Easter Day We'd only just barely had sex once and it wasn't thrilling for either because we had only been with each other Then he died ... So life changed And it's been a long time ago .. 17 years I had a very loving but sexual relationship with the person who I found I liked things with and he was patient enough over the five years to keep exploring and learning about each other He was the leader in the relationship and since we both had busy careers and he had kids We had a schedule and rules in place but it wasn't in a D/s or DD/ bg type thing We talked daily even if wouldn't see each other that day .... Just a hey thinking about you and here's a dirty picture to tide you over We never labeled things or called them kinks We just had a sexually charged relationship We went out and did things with each other aside from having sex 5 to 6 times a day if we had time We went. Downtown to 6 th st in Austin and listening to,music Played pool and bowling Putt putt in the dark with neon lights inside a dark building of sorts I did travel to where he was if he asked me to go to Dallas or Houston I slept with him overnights at times at his place and he had a key to mine But there was some issues on his side that he didn't tell me about and others he lied over But it eventually it was not to going to work for his kids And I don't regret him or miss him I am glad he taught me what I liked and what I wanted My last person was a disaster and he knew I was going to try and make it work even if he was horrible to me Until I saw who he was and how he treated me I don't hold any of this against someone I want to know or if they want to be in my life somehow someday maybe I just know I realized what I wanted and needed in my life I've had these desires and needs for about 10 years that were sexual I guess I'm submissive in nature generally I know I keep asking for the thing that most people say I cannot find A real friendship that nurtures and is intimate That can grow to be many things of people want that and try to do so I want the thing that works for me and the person who was me and me them I keep asking people what they want or seek Why do they want me to be that I've put myself out there a couple of times and they didn't turn out to be real or the situation was not as they said it was I prefer being up front and honest Yes I know ... Those of you who ever read my stuff know I'm picky And I haven't settled because I do believe and have faith that one man Will see me for the potential and who I am That will see I'm not simple or easy That sometimes the easy thing isn't the best prize worth holding out for You have to put forth effort and take time to give of yourself or no one can ever know you Yes I have been nervous and a bit wary Because I want it all Someone whose my best friend ..... Who wants the best me for them .... That can handle communicating and knowing what they want as well Some one who leads but also makes sure I'm ok Who can handle someone doing all they can to,support them and be devoted Who understands at very brief moments I need comfort and being cherished That understands ..... I choose to be with him each day ......and not once and for all That I would really treasure his intellect and wittiness Admire his humor and ability to make me feel safe and comfortable That yes in my opinion he would be hot , sexy , and handsome to me I can appreciate people for their own attractiveness but I see all of them not just a face or body I've never been a cheating type I value trust and loyalty over a shallow fling Ultimately I want to be in a long term relationship with a Daddy I've always been able to make concessions and do the things necessary That's why I cc artfully go through the surprising amount of email I get from men and woman ( which surprised me women like me) And I try to see the potential and see if they are considering something like I want and they do I've come across a few people that I was trying to get to know over the last 8 months and learned a lot I've learned about how people are and who are true and not That those who are here for just quick and easy sex Sure that's available d there are those who don't feel and can do so I'm not looking for the quick roll in the hay I'm not looking for married men or couples who find me hot and sexy I've tried to be clear without being rude or confusing people I don't tell someone who is going to stop by and then never return my intimate details or history It won't matter to them and they have no need I've been trying to see people as themselves and give them a chance I'm sorry I'm nervous like butterflies in the tummy buts it s good to,feel,those again That I look forward to things and am happy and excited to anticipate I don't allow many really close to me I'm a nerdy girl I read and research I like to watch horror flicks and syfy I like tattoos and piercings ... Of which I want more still I love music and feeling the music I like going out with someone I can have a great conversations with and laugh together I like cooking for you and being a discoverer of foods and tastes I like supporting people and making it easier for them to pursue the goals and dreams they have Just like when I get someone I care about a gift I get the pleasure in seeing your happiness opening it I enjoy seeing those I allow in delighted and satisfied Sure I know I'm asking a lot to find a man who can be leader Lover and closest friend Dominant and Daddy Some one I try to my damnedest to do as told and as they wish I know I may not find someone who wants the things I do included Love and care Safety and security Sexually and erotically charged High libido Open talking and communicating Respect and guidelines Having the same wants to discover and explore in sex and other things I want someone I can do all various sensual and seductive things with Yes I'm fine with screwing, fucking, and making love in their different forms I think with the right person it's possible to have it No it won't be perfect because I'm not They keep flashing fifty shades of grey I've been with someone who never celebrated Valentine's Day with me And I was the romantic who never forgets those things Flowers and massage oil Candles and chocolate covered strawberries and the kind of good Scotch he liked Cooked a meal that was his favorite Lead the way to the bedroom with flower petals I was n the bed in sexy but pretty pink and black lingerie Corset and stockings and heels My hair and makeup done to be pretty .. Soft and smell great He would grab a shower ... Rip off the lingerie and we'd go to bed He wasn't big on romance but I do try I read the email people send me and I don't know why some would think I would respond I am picky and I've actually responded to very few Because I refuse to settle and be unhappy I want a man who can be his authentic self with me I'm a loyal and devoted sort I cherish and worship him I do whatever is needed to further him and support him I've seen the guys who want just wash casual sex everywhere and I don't go for that Or usually for married men whose wives don't know etc I see those that have a stable of subs etc I do better one on one with someone so I can focus on them and their needs I envy people finding someone they can be absolutely themselves with and love one another Yet still have excitement and fun in their sex lives But truly know they've got one another to have each others backs I hope you see I'm more and worth it I miss feeling someone's body close to mine That feeling of being held close and seeing into another's eyes Seeing them smile and happy to see you next to them I'm tired and sleepy Xx

2/9/2015 4:08:54 AM

The Dead Weather...... Hang You From The Heavens The Black Keys...... Ten Cent Pistol Dan Auerbach........ Keep It Hid White Stripes....... Seven Nation Army (*) The Dead Weather ...... No Horse (*) Raconteurs........ Top Yourself The Eels.........Souljacker Part 1 Beck....... Que Una Guero Ratatat........... Loud Pipes The Black Keys........ I Got Mine(*) Dan Auerbach......... Heartbroken, In Disrepair (*) White Stripes......... Catch Hell Blues (love *) The Dead Weather......... Are Friends Electric ? Daft Punk .......... Digital Love (*) Lorde........... Still Sane Avicci..............Wake Me Up Katy Perry........... Dark Horse Lorde......... The Love Club Kate Earl............ Can't Treat Me That Way (*) Grouplove.......... Tongue Tied (~*love) Awolnation............ Sail(*love) (unlimited gravity remix) Lorde............... Buzzcut Season Florence + the Machine ...... Drumming Song Gotye............ Hearts A Mess (*) The XX................. Crystallized (*love) Pheonix............. If I Ever Feel Better (*)(remix) Empire of the Sun.......... Walking on A Dream Fun........ We Are Young MGMT........... Kids (*) I reached out to a couple of people They never responded So I stopped knocking my head on a wall You cannot make anyone like you and definitely certainly not feel affection or love Sex is easy And if I just wanted that I've been approached a lot lately for that from single men to married guys looking for a mistress I don't want that I could have had that for 3 years now Absolutely the last 8 months since I joined Fetlife and online dating sites That's all it seems anyone really wants Sure I love physical affection and sex but in the confines of some sort of attachment or strings if you will If that's not for the person approaching me ... then I guess I would have to say I'm not really going to be interested other than as a platonic friend I have made that perfectly clear and said it on more than one occasion I know some don't read what I've said and their profile says nothing But usually when I'm approached I ask the question what is it your looking for and why did you seek out me Because except for maybe one or two occasions I don't email a man first Usually because if they were interested in me they would have emailed or said something on my writing or pictures I did reach out to a couple of people and I thought we could maybe become friends but it always changes nowadays People are temporary or fleeting and flighty No one has consistency or depth They want easy and no effort Or ignore you so you will move on Which I find lazy and why would I want someone who is only interested in a one sided relationship with themselves I like some self assurance and cockiness to a man but not egotistical and narcissistic I like take charge or lead and even a good self worth I don't like it of you cannot carry on a decent conversation I mean talk more than what I want to do to you Really ? I guess that works with chicks who only want sex and for you to lose money on them But for me it is a turnoff Manners and some decorum would be appreciated I was raised to respect people unless they give me a reason to not be I'm generally kind unless you do something to major to irritate me and if you have indeed hit on something major I can get mad but it takes an awful lot to push me to anger and crying I will simply turn walk away and not speak until I'm ready I shut my modes of communication down and cool off My mother was a real double Irish on both sides redhead and my father had a major temper Both my older brothers are hot headed I'm the one who calmed them down My roommate now is a hot headed redhead who will knock once and bounce into my area unannounced and unwanted She doesn't allow me my space So when I'm able I'm living alone I don't infringe upon others space unless I ask or they ask me to do so I keep giving and giving .... But if I feel manipulated or used ... I will cut you out or push myself away I hate that because I used to really try to care about everyone and everything But thru trial and error and people being totally unloyal and unfaithful in one form or another I've had to get that way And it's easier for me to close myself off and not talk And yes I do realize people are not perfect and I never expect them to be But I do expect you to do as you say you will or explain why something prevented you from being able to Sometimes it is out of our hands and not our fault And I do grasp that and will give another chance But if it's over and over and repetitive problem Then you aren't sorry and will not try to fix the issue I'm not perfect far from and I know my fallacies and failures better than anyone But I don't mislead people or omit things they might need to know I don't tell everything about myself to a complete stranger usually I won't give you my cell or address My last name either But for those who've tried and made the effort I do give you many ways to know me and talk I won't meet someone right away for a good reason I was lucky once that I fell hard and fast for J but it took me be a forgiving person to continue to love him and work on it for 5 years He lied and also he didn't tell me everything I needed to know He had me fall in love first and then told me the things he lied about and lied by omission I remained because I cared enough to make it work for both of us I tried that with the next with S but he wasn't worth fighting for and he never did me So I am very very wary and skittish of new people Or people who push too hard too fast at me to do things I'm uncomfortable with I have to trust you and like you enough to risk rejection and failure I'm trying to not become Pessimistic or jaded. But I see how others can become that way very easily So I stopped trying to make others like me or be my friend exactly I just stayed in all weekend writing and listening To music Tried watching some subversive horror flicks and foreign films I fell asleep and my roommate was standing over me in the dark of my own bedroom Kinda freaked me out since I heard her knock but was asleep upstairs in my bedroom and I didn't answer her knock I wasn't dressed etc and the lights were off in the dark It was midnight I'm going to have a talk about boundaries with her I don't do that to her ever I thinks it's rude and not very coo thing to do Next time she's going to walk in on me naked again I'm not modest not around people I know anyways My roommates seen me naked more than I would like but hey she doesn't knock and walks on in to anywhere I'm at including my own private bathroom and bedroom I've been reading astrology all weekend and astronomy Trying to educate myself on the stars and constellations I know the history's through taking Latin and Greek courses in college It was a full moon all weekend and the stars were out and yes I have a telescope to watch them I wanted to be left alone so I bailed on a support group luncheon for my illness and church I'm supposed to go to a quarterly support group meeting next Saturday and they want me to speak but I've turned them down I don't want to go,and definitely don't want to have to give a speech and ask and answer questions There will be 65 people there all 20 to,30 years older with the genetic form of my illness and they are all going to die from it I'm the only one with the form from pulmonary embolism and throwing blood clots ... So I'm in a remission of sorts We have noting in common and after two hours of the same questions I have fantasizes of shooting myself in the head to,get away from this meeting So I'm staying home to wash my hair My hair is all the way down my back Last ear it was t my ears this time of year I've let it grow But I'm tempted to cut it off... Having uneven sides .....Shave one side and dye it purple Just a thought I want to get my Piercings put back in And a couple more tattoos I'm betting my hematological oncologist would say no if I asked him ... Since I have a blood clot disorder now I'm not suppose to get cut or bruised I'm getting tired of all this I've been very patient but I want more in my life I truthfully don't think finding a man that could be my closest friend and lover that difficult I would like to be cherished and respected.... Loved and adored I'm more the type to stay home and play video games like Assassins Creed or God of War Or watch any type of movie and cook dinner Yes on occasion I like to go out and play pool or bowling etc I just want to spend my time with someone where we laugh and. Talk I am very openly affectionate and my ex was embarrassed by me being so I want to be able to look into your eyes as I kiss you and hold your hand Or hug you close I miss human affection and closeness It's been too long for me I don't do fake well When I am able I want to head out for trip to the ocean Water makes me happy and at peace I want to spend time cooking and walking on the beach with Happy She's never seen the ocean only Austin , Texas and San Antonio, Texas and Here in North Carolina She'd never seen snow in the five years I've had her until last year when it snowed here in NC I will take my artist supplies and likely sketch and paint while I'm there Listening to music loudly as I do I want to just get into the car and go sometimes No particular direction just headed out Have dog will travel will be my motto again here soon I hope I've hated not being able to just go when I wanted the last year or so I'm not trying to be the best or perfect but comfortable in my own skin and happy and radiant Music can enhance my mood and I feel the music You can make me feel better too and make me smile You know who you are if you know me well enough yet Really how about that ? Xx Me

2/7/2015 5:26:18 AM

I like Loud And angry music at moments when I write I guess most think I'm sweet and gentle all the time Kind..... Compassionate... Empathetic...... Loving..... Innocent.... Naive Affectionate...... Caring..... Shy .... Bashful at times.... Gullible Akward ...... Rare.... Odd...... Sarcastic ... Funny at times Sexual .... Seductive..... Sensual.... Erotic... Titillating Naughty..... Teasing ..... Dirty Needy ...... Worried .... I try to be Communicative I am I can be And I cannot be Depends upon which me you see I had a rather interesting day One by the end I was ready to listen to the music as loud as it would crank No one sees me dancing naked in my room anyways I'm listening to the.... Dead Weather ...die by the drop The White Stripes.... The denial twist (live) Dan Auerbach.....the Prowl Crash Kings .... Mountain Men Beck ... E - Pro The Dead Weather..... Blue Blood Blues The Black Keys .... I'll be your man The White Stripes ...Effect and Cause Radio Citizen.... The Hop The Raconteurs .... Steady , As she Goes Jack White...... High Ball Stepper The Pack A.D.... Wolves and Werewolves The Dead Weather .......Hustle and Cuss ... (Great sexy song) The White Stripes......A Martyr for My Love For You ( love this song ) Wolfmother.... Dimension .... (They remind me of black sabbath ) yes I do know who they are The Black Keys..... Sinister Kid ( damn ) The Pack A.D.......Making Gestures ( like ?!?) The Dead Weather ...... I Can't Hear You ( sexy song ) The Black Keyes ...... Meet Me In That City Wolfmother....... Joker & the Thief Dan Auerbach....... I Want Some More The Pack A.D.........Underground The Black Keys...... The Only One Daft Punk........ Television Rules the Nation/ Crescendolls (live) (dancing in the floor ) DJ Antoine.......This Time (klaas remix) Deadmau5..........Some Chords Chevelle ........... Straight Jacket Fashion Seether..................Breakdown (Explicit) Puddle of Mudd.......Blurry ( fav of mine ) Three Days Grace..........Home Cross fade.......... Cold Seether............Broken ( featuring Amy Lee) Switch foot........ Meant To Live ( fav song) System of A Down......... Hypnotize ( fav song) Papa Roach....... Last Resort ( yay) Finger Eleven........ Paralyzer (sexy song ) Puddle of Mudd...... Psycho Crossfade......... Colors 3 Doors Down .......... When I'm Gone ( love this song) Chevelle....... Closure Seether ........ Fake It (explicit) The Days Grace ...... Just Like You ( love it ) Stained ........... Right Here ( explicit) ( adore *) Breaking Benjamin .......... Blow Me Away ( love ) Seether....... Rise Above This ( * yay) Stone Sour...... Through Glass Three Days Grace.......... World So Cold ( I relate to this song**) Shinedown........ 45 (*) System of A Down........ Aerials (love) Incubus.........Drive Chevelle...... Mexican Sun Stained.......... Outside ( love *) The Perfect Circle.....Outsider Hinder........ Better Than Me Breaking Benjamin....... Follow ( relate to this so much) Trapt........ Headstrong Apocalyptica ........ I Don't Care ( adore *) Tonic ....... If You Could Only See (*) One brother listened to heavy metal and death metal The other likes Rap and R & B My mom liked 1960's Beatles and Rolling Stones My father was a Johnny cash fan and country like Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson So I like everything including classical as I played the cello and violin as a nerdy kid Once I had to perform in public I gave it up and went on to other things I didn't have to do in front of others My parents tried to make do ballet and tap dancing ... Quite when I had to go on stage in a tutu Next way gymnastics .. Again no in front of others So I developed as brain max didn't have to be on show to impress others with my talents I have a thing for very Loud ...sexually explicit and slightly offensive music Loved NIN and Marilyn Manson right in the Bible Belt parking lots after church on Sunday My mother loved that... I'm on my knees praying to God for forgiveness And then listening to Eminem after church sing .. Shake that Ass .. As loud as I could He would be mad and scolded me but never stopped me from choosing my own things Always have even as a teenager I was the one who had bootlegged copies of Depeche Mode and The Cure before they hit the United States I brought the music over when I came back from Antwerp , Belgium visiting my grandmother Who took me and my brothers to Amsterdam Lol. My grandparents were clueless and naive Sent 3 under age American kid loose with a lot of money in a city full of fun easy bad things to find One brother went to the legal red light district to find as much sex as he could find The other was at a bakery eating hash brownies and smoking weed all day I was wandering around by myself at 12 or 13 looking at Art and music I went to the Vincent Van Gogh museum my favorite artist I keep a playlist playing as I write the various places I have online outlets to put up Content and be creative No one is ever going to truly grasp me Not really I am really thinking I may never find that thing people who love one another have Most people don't see all of me It honestly means someone putting in real effort and investing in to showing me they mean what they say and do Most people don't want to..... They don't care enough to try to pursue and the keep you in their lives They only scratch the service to the various level and dimensions of the being that is me I've tried to make friends I've tried to be a good and loving girl to those who never wanted me to begin with I was raised to be polite and respect people Some certainly never loved me back or reciprocated Amy devotion or care I've had men tell me all my life how I wasn't ever going to measure up the the standards each one had of me My father told me he expected more of me I guess since I never married and had children he viewed me as a disappointing failure My own father traded me in for new models that he could do something with My brothers forgot me and ignored me unless they needed something I guess that is why loyalty and truth is the most important thing to me If you cannot do both I don't want you near me I've had to,overcome too many things to still be alive To give me life that I fought for through unbearable circumstances to have I never was dainty or delicate I felt I was but my father used to tell me I wasn't allowed to cry and to take things like a man would So I wouldn't cry in front of anyone And when I was hit and hit again for flinching when I wasn't still when punished I turned around and said it didn't hurt Which made him hit me more My older brothers would beg me to cry and say that it hurt so he would stop, I never did My parent took me to see a doctor to find out why I was so stubborn and asked questions He told them I was a normal inquisitive strong willed child My father wanted them to fix me And when the said there wasn't anything wrong with me He decided he would be by ignoring me and isolating me from my brothers My mother would help me and would come find me in the closet where I would run and hide after being punished She told me that I was loved by her no matter what the circumstances were unconditionally She tried to find other ways for me to focus on when my flatter would be home That way I didn't bother him He was always hunting , fishing, or playing sports with my older brothers I was to be with my mother learning women's work I found I liked helping people and little animals I stuck for the younger kids being bullied I had a cousin who was brain damaged at birth ... had cereal palsy ...and epilepsy I stayed by her side when we were little She was 7 years older but had the mind of an infant and was always so sweet and gentle I dearly loved her ... She was my first cousin I was raised to help her like all my siblings an other family was I know my own faults and failures more than anyone else on the planet I'm harder on myself than anyone else is as well I don't trust you and it takes a very long concentrated effort to get me to consider doing so I've wanted people in my life yes But I have also had to pay high prices for that Sometimes the cost was not worth it I wished at moments .....I was an alcohol drinker other than once in a blue moon Or did drugs to cloud that over I don't have any desire to not hear the ghosts in my head and deal with them head on I can say I'm no Coward or abandoned my duties on any level And I have a major issue with those who are Nd hide behind being so I may have been taught to respect men and women followed But I had no issue telling you what a lowly coward you are and hide behind your words I have had someone throw down today and hide behind some big words they sent out Ok .. All right Game on I will play that game and I will win In all likely hood because I've been smarter and made sure my own footsteps and ass was covered in this little pretend game we are to play out I have my evidence backed up and ready Was waiting for this person to reach out They did today And used the right word I am going to play to win The funny thing with me is patiently wait until I play my hand I don't get mad or upset and angry I quietly wait and see what happens So this person played there hand today and reached out with a very distinct way of goading me But refused to sign the letter they had seen today And a good note The guy playing Christian Gray in the new 50 shades of gray movie is fine as all get out Whew I read those books way before they were popular I was reading Anne rices erotic books on BDSM under Anne Rampling as the pseudonym when I was 13 I have always been one who educates myself before I invest into it I spent hours researching why and how BDSM worked and why people engaged in it Everyone has something that excites or edges them to the brink Kink is just an name for what Turns up the fire or what you find erotic or sexually tantalizing Today I wanted to throw a bag in the car and take the rescue puppy named "happy ...happy ...joy ...joy " shortened to "happy riley and my last name" and my just grab cash and drive No cellular phone and no iPad No one knowing where I am and where I'm going I was tempted .... Very much so When I get upset I like to disappear and vanish I have to get alone and analyze it Long drives and loud music Maybe head to Charleston or Wilmington Or Asheville or Myrtle Beach Either way 3 hours and I'm there Mountains or the ocean which is my favorite place to be I might have the opportunity to be able to afford a place at both someday I have the car I want picked out 1967 Camaro Convertible Electric blue with white interior is what I would like But I will likely buy a Porsche Cayenne Suv I've built it online and know how much I costs and how fast it will go I've test driven it here at the local dealership I think the salesman was a little unnerved when I test drove it I said I would take the brochure and build it online myself and wanted to pay a certain price Cash and not a cent more Then my dream is as soon as o have the keys and reciept for my purchase I am heading out on a road trip for a bit just me and the puppy I may go surprise my extended family I haven't seen since my moms funeral And just go see my 27 and counting cousins And then go see my only living Grandparent My grandmother died in August this year and I couldn't fly to the funeral So want to see him before I cannot anymore He has 400 acres outside of Louisville, KY 40 miles from a paved road We have a old plantation house and school house etc on the historic register Been in my fathers family a few hundred years Good old Scottish and Cherokee mixed with my Grandmothers' WWII Belgian Dutch My Mother was double Irish from Cork Ireland ... Came over with 7 siblings and her mother when she was 6 So I am in fact a first American in my family that wasn't from Europe by birth or marriage I'm a Heinz 57 mix Blonde , pale, green blue eyes My brothers and father are tall , lean, dark skin , eyes, and hair My mom looked like me with red hair and one green eye and one blue But I'm just me I've had to learn that what I look like is not my business If someone else as an issue its theirs So I've learned to love this body what it does for me Especially after the last year or so I'm getting stronger daily and fighting to be the best I can I'm lot more than meets the eye for a lot of people I'm not shallow and I don't judge people on their appearances or what they seem to be I looked deeper and of you aren't a real person who is not trying to mind fuck me I will give you one Chance But if you Break my trust is impossible to get back sometimes I've bent over until my back has splintered trying to help people I cared about and loved just to be nothing I've never purposely tried to harm or hurt someone It goes against my own code to do so I think that is why I find my peace in doing things that resolve or help another I have had my share of selfish and self centered / self absorbed men who claim to care or want me No you don't ..... I'm just another notch for some men or they collect women I guess plating certain games for them gets them off I'm all for role play or fantasies or wearing whatever you desire or in public But I don't hide who I am or what I want And I've had extremely good looking men get upset because I said no to sex with them and can I please go home I think some of them because I'm a chubby / curvy/ bigger/ thick/ fat girl I was supposed to just be grateful they wanted to have sex with me Just because I'm no thin doesn't mean I don't have feelings ... Emotions.... A heart and Soul I deserve to find some man I adore and he falls in love with me Sex gets better when you have a soul... Mental..... Emotional..... Spiritual .... And Sexual Erotically charged relationship Trust and open communication is essential in Dominance / submission A Daddy Dom and a baby girl for me is about care and concern Some of the men I have talked with .... Say I was missing out and I was not ever going to find anything better Really .... Well I would rather take care of myself than have sex with someone I couldn't stand or have a conversation with that wasn't about the weather or sports I may not be beautiful or mens ideal gorgeous stunning super model I never wanted to be anything than Myself I envied people who had loved ones and a family to turn to when things that had happened to me did I told my doctor to not call my family and let me die at first I don't hide that fact I was alone and no one was coming to comfort me or hold my hand No one but my puppy dog would have cared if I died As long as I had the cash to pay the bills then that's all my ex wanted from me I gave and gave until I finally go to the point I let myself get too sick and didn't say anything I didn't want to have to deal with the mental and emotional bull shit while I was too sick to stand I had blinding headaches... Chest pain... unable to breaths without turning blue .. And dizziness constantly I pushed and pushed and ignored it ...until my body fought me back I let my ex keep everything materially I had worked for the 7 years I lived in Texas I took my dog and the clothes on my back I had worn in the ambulance to the Trauma Hospital I had my purse and cell with me... My best friend Dakota grabbed happy and my moms ashes He took a power of attorney over there to my ex My ex asked for money to release those things to my best friend My best friend said it took all he had in him to not beat the living hell out of my ex Dakota knew he had other women in my bed while is fought for my life He also knew the issues I had been dealing with aside from me suddenly getting seriously ill Dakota knew because he was around me all the time before I was sick He knew my ex had laid his hands on me and happy the puppy Dakota warned him if one hair on my head was hurt he would find a way to take care of the problem I made my Heart and lung transplant doc in San Antonio TX release me out of the ICU after 37 days in there I asked and had my best friends big huge truck and drove from San Antonio TX to Charlotte NC in 3 days Stopping for meds and oxygen all along the country From San Antonio to Austin to get Happy and my moms ashes from my. Set friend Dakota's house Then from Austin and Dallas Spent the night with the puppy and Dakota in two separate bee He's see me naked a lot so it's no big deal .... He is my best friend Then from Dallas to Little Rock , Arkansas...and on to Memphis Tennessee and going on to Nashville Then the last day from Nashville TN through To Charlotte NC 1700 miles in 3 days That was September 2013 Now I am still trying I feel like I exist but not living I know I've been told that the man I seek doesn't exist And that the relationship I want won't happen But I can still hope for them I see people out all the time who has some person who they are attached to I see them still doing Romantic ....endearing ...and erotic things I do not envy other people's cars or houses I don't envy others power and prestige I envy them having someone who cares for and about them That person who loves you The person who is not happy without you That person who cannot go without me in Xx Me

2/6/2015 11:33:18 PM

The Ecstasy BY JOHN DONNE Where, like a pillow on a bed A pregnant bank swell'd up to rest The violet's reclining head, Sat we two, one another's best. Our hands were firmly cemented With a fast balm, which thence did spring; Our eye-beams twisted, and did thread Our eyes upon one double string; So to'intergraft our hands, as yet Was all the means to make us one, And pictures in our eyes to get Was all our propagation. As 'twixt two equal armies fate Suspends uncertain victory, Our souls (which to advance their state Were gone out) hung 'twixt her and me. And whilst our souls negotiate there, We like sepulchral statues lay; All day, the same our postures were, And we said nothing, all the day. If any, so by love refin'd That he soul's language understood, And by good love were grown all mind, Within convenient distance stood, He (though he knew not which soul spake, Because both meant, both spake the same) Might thence a new concoction take And part far purer than he came. This ecstasy doth unperplex, We said, and tell us what we love; We see by this it was not sex, We see we saw not what did move; But as all several souls contain Mixture of things, they know not what, Love these mix'd souls doth mix again And makes both one, each this and that. A single violet transplant, The strength, the colour, and the size, (All which before was poor and scant) Redoubles still, and multiplies. When love with one another so Interinanimates two souls, That abler soul, which thence doth flow, Defects of loneliness controls. We then, who are this new soul, know Of what we are compos'd and made, For th' atomies of which we grow Are souls, whom no change can invade. But oh alas, so long, so far, Our bodies why do we forbear? They'are ours, though they'are not we; we are The intelligences, they the spheres. We owe them thanks, because they thus Did us, to us, at first convey, Yielded their senses' force to us, Nor are dross to us, but allay. On man heaven's influence works not so, But that it first imprints the air; So soul into the soul may flow, Though it to body first repair. As our blood labors to beget Spirits, as like souls as it can, Because such fingers need to knit That subtle knot which makes us man, So must pure lovers' souls descend T' affections, and to faculties, Which sense may reach and apprehend, Else a great prince in prison lies. To'our bodies turn we then, that so Weak men on love reveal'd may look; Love's mysteries in souls do grow, But yet the body is his book. And if some lover, such as we, Have heard this dialogue of one, Let him still mark us, he shall see Small change, when we'are to bodies gone. POET John Donne 1572–1631

2/2/2015 2:55:20 AM

How do you get over being continually disappointed in things ? I am a hard long strenuous journey to find peace love and acceptance I've put myself on here those vanilla dating sites and collarspace someone suggested I read my emails when they come in on here and there and I try to be kind and nice I try to tells those whom I'm not interested in physically or sexually that perhaps friends But some they won't let you be nice and push things too far And then some like I found today I haven't slept well in a few days due to roofers beating directly above me head as my bedroom is on the second floor since last Saturday So for a week now major amounts of loud noises that make me rescue puppy very nervous and scared And me not get any ret that I need right now So I though ok I will rest after staying up for days I force myself to rest because my mind won't shut down and I have no one sharing my bed and to relate with I make myself cut a few times a day and at night before I sleep I wake up aroused sometimes with My thighs wet and my nipples hard I guess I'm dreaming of sex with a man I adore in my dreams and fantasies So I got an email tonight very late was about to just close my eyes in the dark and try to rest and relax The man Said he was local Sent pics that were attractive and the type I prefer Said he was a neurologist and divorced Looking for his Babygirl sub soul mate Got me to actually be interested and in messages on here Asked if I had Skype Yes I do BUT onto with someone I am actually truly comfortable with and must truly lust adore like So far that's been very few and far between but yes I have a couple I will talk with this way They know I adore them and given the chance would meet them immediately if I could So he convinces me to,get up turn the lights back on and get dressed I sleep naked usually I get on there and we have discussed what I look like and he kept saying how pretty I am and well spoken He never turns his cam on just typed messages I ask if he can see me That I had no makeup on Was lying in bed in the dark beside the rescue puppy He tells me how pretty my green eyes are I say thank you and ask a couple of questions Then he just left the conversation and then his profile is taken down when I ask what happened For me that A.) made me a bit frustrated B.). For one who was picked apart and on because io didn't look like everyone else in y family and friends That stung me Did he leave because of what I looked like ? Because I asked questions ? Supposedly he lives near me and is a doctor What the Hell ?!? Every time I try to get to know some people on here and collarspace this happens Where as most people just get angry and move on I take it as a hurt and internally keep that inside I'm getting tired of that being so .. The hurt and rejection I'm not hideous and I'm a very remarkable woman if you really get to know me and who I am I'm the type who has your back at 3 am coming to,get you or will go out of my way to help a friend no matter the cost to me Why is it so damn hard to find a man who can be a friend and care about me and we have a great sex life together I don't know why this hit so hard I'm am very well versed in being shoved away and ignored It Has been something I've endured with my father and brothers My male cousins, uncles, and grandfathers the same I didn't date much boy ignored me in high school I did in college at the university off Tennessee but he was killed in a hit and run accident on the way to my house for Easter dinner. I had made him his first Easter basket and did 5 loads ouch his socks and underwear Then my family shattered and my parents divorced The my mom died at home And my father died away from us Then I nannied and couldn't have people where I lived But I met "J" and fell hard and fast. Exceptional relationship of 5 years I loved him with everything I had and was. But his ex wife made sure he was going to have to,choose between me or his kids I had a cruel step mother who Was vindictive and jealous of my dad loving me and kept him from me until he died So I wasn't going to be the cause of "J" not seeing his children I walked away and it deeply hurt for a while Then I met the "S" and if you read my posts he was a sadistic grifter of chubby nurses and had done so before me and.already had his next victim waiting after me Then I got sick working 96 hrs a week and no rest I collapsed at work , my heart and lungs stopped working They put me on machines and called my extended family saying i needed heart and lung transplants But I was too, sick to get them So I had to go on biological meds by port until I had surgery last year My ex tried to,come back but I I new I couldn't trust I that again after what happend d Lord knows I'm trying I've been without sex with another person 3 years now I'm missing intimacy And my libido is high Meaning sex several,times a day I do that now by touching ,myself I'm discouraged and feel alone today Well Damn ! I don't know why these fake Doms and masters have to play with your head and hurt your self value ! I am an amazing person if you get to know me and I'm worth.....Taking chances on ! Take a risk be real and fun ... Cozy and manly .. Sexy and good looking Likes funny curvy girls with big breasts and green eyes and blond hair Xx Mel

1/31/2015 7:41:45 PM

Hello I will introduce myself I'm Mel I am new to the bdsm lifestyle I am trying to meet friends.... And the one for me. But essentially I'm looking for the Daddy Dom type man I can spend my life with I am a real woman who has feelings and a heart I have a profile on Fetlife under the same name and it has all of my pics there and my journal writings. I joined fetlife about 7 mos ago after deciding I I needed and wanted to find happiness in my life I'm here because a friend suggested put up more than one profile on fetlife. So here I am I am very kind hearted and open minded I hope you find what you're looking for ? Xoxo Mel