Tonight is my first night of serious training. As I write this, Sir is teaching me just how much control he literally has over my body. Orgasm torture. As i write this, Sir has me with 3 clothes pins on each cunt lip, a plug in my ass, and one in my pussy, as well as nipple clips and a vibrator literally duct taped to my clit. My legs are shaking and my hands won't obey and I fear i will mess up the words i am typing. I apologize if i do. 

The first time i came, it was wave after wave of pure pleasure followed by the all too familiar ultra-sensitive after-come throbbing. The second was almost as strong, but nearly painful from the sensitivity. oh god. The third is agony. my thoughts are...empty. Subspace. I'm sweating and my muscles are quivering and threatening to give out. They are literally twitching with exhaustion from holding this upright kneeling spread position for this long. Master left to smoke a cig, and i had to remain in this position. I nearly have tunnel vision.

never again will i call my orgasms "mine." they belong to him. i understand this now. he controls when they happen and they are for his pleasure, not mine. they can only be as good feeling as he allows. they can be as painful as he desires. entirely up to him.

now as i remove the clothes pins and turn off the vibrator, it's almost more painful than before. everything began going numb and blurry and now the blood is rushing back and the once dull ache is now acute throbbing pain. I have tunnel vision. this is my space. i am to be used soley for Sir's pleasure alone, and if he allows it, for me to feel good as reward. He says he is so proud of me. I love Sir for caring enough to teach me this lesson and for being firm enough to uphold his word and command.

i'm His.

The feeling that Sir gives me is inexplicable. He has officially claimed me as his and i couldn't be more honored! I feel like a school girl with a crush, and not only that, for the first time in a long long while, i feel as if i can trust someone. If only i could leave it at that, but it's so SO much more. Not only has Sir managed to totally make me fall for him, he has proven that i can trust him and ultimately i have a newfound respect for him. Despite the bullshit drama i caused today, at the end of the day, he still cares for me and corrects me in a loving and patient manner. How? I have no clue. I'd be pissed beyond belief if i were in his position. His sense of self control bewilders me, and yet i can't help but feel i am owned by someone much greater than i thought possible. Because of this maturity he has, the desire and inclination to please and serve him however possible is only stronger by the second, and i feel as if i would push any and all limits in order to gain that oh so wonderful smirk. I am his property. My body his his. My heart is his. My mind is his. Only his. There is no 'my.' Only 'his.' And i don't ever want this to change.

to sum it up...

I was bad today. Not just like mouthy bad. BAD BAD. Sir and I were planning on spending time together this evening, but due to last minute schedule changes, that became impossible. It's safe to say i threw the mother of all tempertantrums. I texted him several uncalled for messages asking why he was ignoring me and saying things along the lines of "i knew it." Bratty doesn't even begin to cover it. I knew full well that he was in a class and he even explicitly told me he was stressed and i was making it worse, and i proceeded to annoy him. Finally, i cooled down and practically begged him to appear online so i may formally apologize. I told him how extremely embarassed i was and how it would never happen again. He informed me this is what he meant by trying to avoid 'crazy.' Yeah. I blew it. But by some miracle, Sir has accepted my apology (many) and has shown far more mercy than i deserve. Rather than giving me corner time or harsher punishments, i am to simply sleep on the floor tonight; a graciously gentle punishment. I am not even going to attempt to justify my pleas for attention today. It was selfish, childish, and immature of me, and something not to ever be repeated. I think i am punishing myself more than Sir is punishing me. I am so embarassed by my irrational behavior and simply needed to stop, breathe, and refocus. Sir's happiness comes first, and it is my JOB to make sure this remains intact. More so than that, it is my privilege and honor to tend to his needs, and GOD knows he doesn't need drama.

Also, i had a rather naughty dream last night... i awoke strapped to an EMT stretcher, bent over and kneeling, my arms outstretched and strapped with zip ties. My face was against the cool metal of the table, and my feet were strapped down behind me. There were no lights, but i could hear Sir's breathing and his low growl of dissaproval of my actions. He traced a harsh leather riding crop down my spine, causing my skin to crawl. He slowly began smacking my ass, one side at a time, until the red raw skin began to inflame a scarlet red and my cries were growing louder. He told me to hold still, threatening me, and despite my best efforts, i could not. He told me my punishment for not staying still was to resist coming. He began hitting between my legs against my sex  with the crop, and each slap brought me closer to release. Despite my efforts, the last smack sent me over the edge and wave after wave crashed over me, consuming me until tears streamed down my face.

Relieve me?

 It's times like these that I need to be taken to that level. The stress, pressure, and frustration build so much that the only thing I can manage to do is cry. The stress of everyday life builds and builds until I just can't handle it by myself. It's all too much. Overwhelming. I need to get my mind off life, and moreso get my body distracted. I need pain. I need to be spanked, bruised, slapped, and pushed until I have no strength left and I have exhausted myself beyond emotion. I just need to get it all out. I need to be pushed to the point of complete and total threshold, so that I can just let go and collapse in relief followed by numbness. The hardest part is that I am ashamed to admit this, and in order to achieve these mind numbing results, I need my Master's firm hand. I don't want to burden him with my petty emotions like this, and I know, it's not his problem, it's mine. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes!

     It's not at all that I don't value my submission, or even myself for that matter. I know I am beautiful and valuable. It's just that it's easier for me to give my body than my mind. I am good with my body. I know how to please, and I enjoy this task more than anything. It gives me purpose and meaning. What I really struggle with is submitting my heart and my mind. I know I've said it before but if/when I submit to someone, I need it to be complete. I need that person to not only accept but return the sentiment in the sense that my mind and heart need to be owned, or controlled, or even possessed if you will, and to own/claim all of me, not simply my body. I have been taken advantage of in the past in this sense, and have had my body claimed, but they had absolutely no desire for my mind or heart. This left me torn, broken, confused and lost, much like a lost dog. Ironic, no? Anyway. This caused me to become so very careful who I even take into consideration when submitting myself, and as I'm sure you can guess, I built up a wall. It is so easy for me to give my body, but I am so terrified of the rest of me being neglected, that I tend to protect myself with attitude, sarcasm, and defiance, and most of the time, this translates to me seeming bratty and lippy. I need to be valued, cherished, and cared for more than I care to admit. It's embarrassing really, this need. I am just so utterly scared of becoming nothing but an object of sexual release to my Dom, and in return, he only desiring my body. I want him to love me... all of me. This is fact. Even though it's only been a brief time period, I think i have found someone who I am willing to literally submit all of me to. In order for me to even consider this, I have to have huge amounts of respect for him, which I do, and it's pretty safe to say I've never wanted to please anyone this badly ever before. I would do anything he said without hesitation. I am beginning to feel things for my new potential Master that I didn't even know I could feel... and the fear of this being neglected or even denied truly scares me. I suppose on the other hand however, it does keep my in my subspace and reminds me of my place. Is it so wrong for a submissive to want to be loved by her Master?

My taste of what's to come...

I suppose today was my first real session with my new Master. I know he has a sadistic side, but had my doubts. That is until tonight. Sir sent me a rather confusing text asking for me to gather several items: clothes pins, push pins, shoe laces, scissors, cardboard, and a frying pan. Unfortunately due to housing complications, the pan would have raised suspicion, so I had to do without. When finally face to face, Sir told me to cut two circles out of the cardboard and place nine push pins in a circle a half inch from the edges. As I began this task, I was clueless to it's significance other than it was a direct order, so I had no choice but obey. As I continued shaping the small circles it slowly dawned on me that they were almost the exact same size as my chest. My face must have gone a bit pale because Sir smiled at my sudden realization.  These were going in my bra cups, the sharp spikes to outline my nipples. Sir gave the order, and i placed them inside my bra. He then asked me to turn around to prove i re-hooked the back and wasn't faking it. Holy hell this hurt. A lot. He asked me my thoughts, and i almost laughed and said I was thoroughly impressed by his makeshift diy torture ideas. 

After this was done, he then spent a great deal of time explaining to me what to do with the shoes and clothespins. I was to fashion a knot at the end of the two laces, and to put a clothespin hinge on each, creating makeshift weights. Now i was scared. Sir instructed me to put them on each of my cunt lips and to rub my clit. I can't even begin to describe how confused my body was at the extreme pain and pure pleasure at the same time. This was nearly enough to set me over the edge, and when i asked to cum, Sir said yes! The feeling of relief was instantaneous, and the pain melted into the background. Woah this was too good. Once I composed myself, He instructed me to get my vibrator. Nervously, I put it over my clit as instructed and almost immediately rose to my second orgasm. He ordered me to rip the makeshift weights off just as I came, and i swear i thought my knees were going to give out. The feeling of the blood rushing back into the pinched folds of skin was ecstasy in combination with my second orgasm. I didn't know i could be brought this close to the edge of the cliff that is subspace but kept from falling by only a thread. And to think; this wasn't even in person...