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Pan Female Submissive, 50,  Catonsville, Maryland
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MaryTieHerMore - submissive

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GreatHandsInVA

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OK, CM -- this is your last chance! From goons who can barely even spell, to men who are so full of themselves that they can't stop using degrading language even after I clearly tell them that's not the way to stoke sexual attraction -- I might as well have just gone to the local bar, if I wanted men like that. Therefore, I am shutting this account down, as of February 3, 2013. So, if there be any true leaders on this site -- HWP unmarried men -- who aren't afraid I might outshine them with "a little brains, a little talent," and a unique blend of innocence and class -- Now is the time to step up. Scratch me and discover the smoldering passion within: It's worth fighting for. "My surrender is my gift, my love; and your strength to me is yours."

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 MaryTieHerMore

 Submissive Female

 Catonsville 

 Maryland

 5' 4"

 140 lbs

 50

 Pan

 Caucasian

 03/22/07

 02/26/13

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Male

 Lives For:

 Singing (Expert)

 Writing (Expert)

 Show Tunes

 Loves:

 Amusement Parks (Expert)

 Fine Dining

 Going to the Opera (Expert)

 Movies (Expert)

 Musical Theater (Expert)

 Renaissance Faires (Expert)

 SCA

 Travel

 Camping (Expert)

 Dancing

 Hiking (Beginner)

 Rafting (Beginner)

 Bondage

 Corsets

 Hypnosis

 Massage (Getting)

 Massage (Giving)

 Shibari  (Beginner)

 Spanking (Beginner)

 Theatrical Scenes

 Vibrators

 Wax play (Beginner)

 Astrology (Expert)

 Photography

 Sewing (Expert)

 Astronomy

 History (Expert)

 Nutrition

 Occultism (Expert)

 Philosophy

 Psychology

 Polyamory

 Vampirism

 Classical Music

 Eighties Music

 Folk Music

 New Wave

 Oldies

 Opera Music

 Operetta

 Rock Music

 Druidism

 Feng Shui (Expert)

 Neo-Paganism (Expert)

 Wicca  (Expert)

 Likes:

 Antique Shows (Beginner)

 Art Galleries (Beginner)

 Bird Watching

 Clubbing (Beginner)

 Flea Markets (Beginner)

 Garage Sales (Beginner)

 Museums (Beginner)

 Shopping

 Aerobics (Beginner)

 Bicycling (Beginner)

 Pilates

 Sailing

 Walking

 Blindfolds (Beginner)

 Breast Play

 Canes and Crops (Beginner)

 Collars

 Hair Pulling

 Knife Play

 Masks (On Partner)

 Munches

 Serving as a Maid (Beginner)

 Public Play

 Role Playing

 Stockings (Beginner)

 Arcade Games

 Board Games

 Cartoons

 Historical Shows

 Alternative Medicine

 Aromatherapy

 Art Collecting (Beginner)

 Cooking

 Gardening (Beginner)

 Herbalism

 Investing

 Karaoke

 Meditation

 Online Auctions

 Painting (Beginner)

 Mathematics

 Keto

 Victorianism (Beginner)

 Blue Grass

 Funk

 Jazz

 New Age Music

 Nineties Music

 Pop Music

 Punk Rock Music

 R&B

 Reggae

 Seventies Music

 Buddhism

 Christianity (Expert)

 Hinduism

 Judaism (Beginner)

 Kabbalah (Beginner)

 Tolerates:

 Running

 Catholicism

 Curious About:

 Climbing (Beginner)

 Horseback Riding (Beginner)

 Hunting (Beginner)

 Martial Arts (Beginner)

 Tai-Chi (Beginner)

 Anal Play (Beginner)

 Cages (Beginner)

 Electrical Play

 Local BDSM Community

 Fisting

 Gags

 Housework Service

 Masks (Wearing)

 Medical Play

 Outdoor Bondage

 Plastic Wrap

 Sensory Deprivation

 Suspension

 Uniforms

 Whips

 Lifestyle BDSM

 Dislikes:

 Bar Hopping

 Gambling

 Rollerblading

 Skate Boarding

 Begging

 Chastity

 Corner Time

 Diapers

 Enemas

 Fire Play

 Humiliation

 Leashes

 Needle Play

 1950s Lifestyle

 Female Supremacy

 Swinging (Beginner)

 Veganism

 Country Music

 Hip Hop Music

 Industrial Music

 Rap

 Agnosticism

 Atheism

 Mormonism

 Hates:

 Gas Masks

 Hard Limits:

 Hoods

 Watersports

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Journal Entries:
12/26/2012 8:51:06 PM

At an End-of-the-World Solstice Party, where everybody was partying like it’s 1999, someone asked me what it is like to have an astrology chart that is ruled by Venus.

What a loaded question!

I got as far as answering: “Venus ruling the 1st House in a chart tends to give a person good luck in the looks department, because the 1st House rules the physical body and one’s general appearance.” 

I didn’t get a chance to say the rest of what I needed to, though -- so I’ll complete my answer here. 

Venus ruling the chart also tends to give the native a good fashion sense, in both personal adornment and home furnishings. She brings artistic gifts, too: Look to her sign placement and interactions with other planets, to determine whether that artistry will take the form of music, painting, sculpture, dance, etc.

By luck of the draw, my daughter and I both have Rising Signs ruled by Venus. She has one (Libra), I have the other (Taurus). The differences between Taurus and Libra are instructive. For instance, she was a stunner from the get-go; I did not become a full-fledged knockout until my 40s.   

But Venus can be a tricky dame -- her blessings are a double-edged sword. What Venus wants above all, is to connect with other people. She has the capacity to bring much happiness . . . but may give away too much to get it. She gives us lots of desires -- she IS desire -- but our drive to fulfill those desires may cost us a higher price than is reasonable. She can be very disruptive and chaotic that way. 

The Libran Achilles Heel is being overly concerned about other people’s perception of them, and trying to mold oneself to satisfy public opinion. That way lies madness; you can’t please all the people all the time. Many people struggle with feeling terrible because someone else finds them lacking, but the Librans run an even greater risk of losing their sense of self. Their hardest lesson is learning that the only person they really need to please is themselves -- and stick to it. 

That said, the Libran reputation for fairness, making sure everyone’s values are honored, often makes them great leaders. When they make a decision, they have considered all the angles, far better than most people. The hard part is actually getting them to make a decision and then act on it. 

The Taureans’ self-esteem is less likely to be dependent on other people’s opinions; they have a great capacity for internal contentment. (Think of Ferdinand the Bull, who just loved to smell the flowers.) But like the Librans, they too have that longing for connection with other people. As long as there is promise of reward or payoff, they will hang in there -- hence their reputation for both patience and possessiveness. They have a hard time recognizing when it really isn’t worth it: they will stay in an unhealthy relationship far longer than they should.  

Taureans have to be very careful to not let their principles slide, for the sake of maintaining the connection with someone they’ve made a huge emotional investment in. The biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life, happened because I allowed a man to talk me into going along with courses of action that went against my better judgment. 

Unconditional love, where no reciprocation is necessary, is more of a Moon quality. It is appropriate in the parent-child relationship. But adult relationships are based on mutually beneficial agreements. If we are giving more to the relationship than we are getting out of it, it won’t be long before it starts to feel like abuse. 

Venus is the part of us that wants to be happy. We all have her somewhere, not just the Venus-ruled signs. We all want what we want. It’s natural to want things. If we have full awareness of how Venus is giving us these desires, we will not pay too high a price for our happiness.


12/23/2012 4:28:47 PM

Frustrated by not being able to secure a DVD of the 1926 "Scarlet Letter" with Lillian Gish, I am watching it on YT in a not-very-high resolution. But it does have one of the kinkier subtitles from the era: As Hester Prynne walks beside Reverend Dimmsdale, she says, "Sir, it would be pleasant to walk beside thee and hear thee tell me of my sins." 


10/6/2012 7:46:10 PM

Dominance is not just about what happens in the playroom or bedroom, nor is it only about obeying my man's commands. it's about being able to trust that he has good enough judgment to make the right decisions in his life. 

The worst mistakes I've ever made in my life, happened because I allowed some man to talk me into going along with a course of action that I knew was not-terribly-well-thought-out -- leading to the financial ruination of both of us. It is no longer possible for me to repair the damage a man does when he goes off half-cocked. I need to be able to trust that he knows what he's doing, and is not acting impulsively out of mere greed. 

But how do I know he has the kind of judgment I can trust? What are the markers to look for? Of course everybody makes mistakes, but that's only a crime if you never learn from them. How does he show me that he's learned from his mistakes? "By their fruits you will know them," but what do the fruits look like? 

This is probably more important than the size of a man's bank account -- all of which can be wiped out overnight by just one ill-considered or unethical move. 


6/14/2012 10:49:23 AM

There's this girl in my ToastMasters club. When she first showed up at a meeting a year ago, she had a boho-goth look, complete with collar -- and a very mousy, meek demeanor. She's coming along, slowly, gaining in confidence. Last night I evaluated her second speech, giving her improvised verbal feedback in front of the whole club. 

She is always seen in company with two others: a man who used to be an Area Governor for ToastMasters, and a woman who is Secretary of our local club. Although the girl hasn't worn that collar in public for awhile, last night I reminded her that she had worn it the first time I met her. "Did it mean what I thought it means?" I asked.

The man said, "Aw, c'mon! Be blunt! What DO you think it means?" I turned to the girl again and said, "I think it means you're a sub." And she said yes. So I said, "If ever you feel a need to talk about those kinds of issues, as one sub to another, you know where to find me." Thus I outed myself to them, and discovered that the three of them have an M/s arrangement. 

The irony? I have just been elected President of the club, the man in this trio has been elected VP of Education, and the older woman is continuing-on as Club Secretary . . . which means that the kinksters have taken over the club! Who'da thunk? 


4/1/2012 5:44:35 PM

It sure would be nice if the Dom I decide upon is good at helping me lift heavy things. I was lifting my mixer board into the car yesterday -- and missed. On the 2nd attempt, I got it, but my knee has felt funny ever since. Occupational hazard of the showbiz gal. At least I will see the doc tomorrow...


3/10/2012 5:52:00 PM

Haven't been on here for a month, life's been crazy-busy with preparations for a trade show happening this weekend, with a theatrical component added. The Expo is 11 years old, but the theatre track is new this year -- and I'm coordinating it, with a cherry-picked list of performing groups. 

Today, I was in one of the shows myself, portraying Cinderella in a "salon opera" written in 1904. What a hell-week we had! We lost two of our principal singers. The director's son stepped in to play the Chamberlain, but what, oh what, were we going to do about the Prince? 

At final dress rehearsal, the guy playing the Prince didn't even show up until 20 minutes before the rehearsal was to end! Even worse, he had no projection, zero personality, and acted like a stick (i.e. not at all). He was like a dead thing on stage, dragging everybody else's energy down. 

The director fired him. 

Can't say I blame her. In earlier rehearsals, I had serious misgivings about him. As we were rehearsing the love-duet, I felt like I was trying to make love to a fish. 

"Don't make me do all the work, honey," I wanted to say. "It's your job to lead; it's my job to respond." 

I almost started singing a different opera -- the one with the line, "What a curse for a woman is a timid man!" (The Old Maid and the Thief)

So there we were, 9:30 pm on our final rehearsal night, having our "Singin' in the Rain" moment, trying to figure out how we were going to cover for the lack of a proper Prince. It was too late to recast the role. 

What we ended up doing, was cutting most of the dialogue, and having the Fairy Godmother narrate; making a couple of other characters switch-off hats, and have the Prince wear a mask, to hide the fact that we now had a woman miming the role instead of singing it. 

And the director herself sang the love duet with me, using her "tenor" voice. 

So, at today's performance, never in my life have I done a more surreal seat-of-the-pants performance. We were egregiously under-rehearsed; the scene at the end, where the Prince is trying the glass slipper on the sisters and me, was completely improvised on the spot. 

It was a classic example of what can happen when women have to valiantly soldier-on, by themselves, despite all the odds, and despite any ineffectual men around them, without the hand of a strong masculine direction. 

Nevertheless, I think I did manage to do two things very well. If the masculine way is to impact his environment, the feminine way is to walk into a situation and take everything in -- and Cinderella is archetypal feminine. This meant that I was able to take that scene where she enters the ballroom for the first time, gazing in wonder at everything around her . . . and make it a truly magical moment. 

The other thing I did very well, was Cinderella's flight from the ballroom. Again, we didn't even have a chance to rehearse this. But my pratfall was utterly convincing. When the glass slipper fell off, it looked completely unplanned.  

Tomorrow I perform again, this time as Persephone. I am premiering the new duet, with a much stronger singer in the role of Hades! 

 


2/15/2012 8:41:00 PM

Developing new music for "Persephone" -- I'm writing the duet where Hades and Persephone meet for the first time. I've structured it as a Parallel-duet, in the tradition of "You're Not Sick, You're Just In Love" or "All For The Best," where one character sings a slow melody, then the other character sings completely different words at a faster tempo -- then they both sing their respective verses simultaneously, and they dovetail. Always a crowd-pleaser if you can pull it off -- but Gods, it's an absolute BEAR to write! In this version, Hades has a suave, seductive verse, and Persephone's verse is a more fluttery patter. 


2/5/2012 9:10:23 PM

*Sigh* Sometimes a daughter can get upset to the point where nothing I say helps; only a father figure can calm her down. 


12/7/2011 8:26:29 PM

Yahoo! (the cheer, not the website.) Tonite I delivered my 10th ToastMasters speech, and have now earned my "Competent Communicator" award! 


12/5/2011 5:14:49 AM

Great. As soon as I say my emotions are thawing out, I have another nightmare about running out of money. Dammit, that's the reason I'd put my emotions on lockdown in the first place  -- so I could numb myself to that scorching fear and not be paralyzed by it. But after a while, I realized there's something even worse than the fear of running out of money: the fear that I don't have anything to trade, by which I can get more. And THAT is a Big Fat Lie. 


12/4/2011 6:29:18 PM

My new favorite song is the theme to "GoldenEye," as written by U2 and sung by Tina Turner. Quite possibly the most Scorpionic song I've ever heard. I love the way it takes the motifs of the old John Barry theme and recombines them in a completely fresh way. The result is terrifying, and effin' brilliant. Does this mean I'm turning into a Dominatrix, because the lyrics have a Domme subtext? No, but the smoldering intensity makes me feel like my heart is finally thawing out. I've had to keep a lid on my emotions for several years, for the sake of survival. But Scorpio -- the opposite to my Taurean refinement -- is where we give ourselves permission to FEEL EVERYTHING, at the deepest possible level. The trick is learning how to do that without completely losing your judgment. I'd like to think I'm finally ready to dance on that line. 


11/15/2011 6:45:36 PM

Little Known Secret:

If you cross your t's so that the t-bar is sloping down, and the end is "clean" on the right side . . . you have the ability to command people without making them angry. In short, a Dominant. (See Napoleon Hill quote, below.)

If, however, your down-sloping t-bar comes to a dagger-like point on the end . . . you combine sarcasm with your demands. This crosses the line into "domineering;" such a person will raise hell to get his way. (Ladies, beware of this if you see it.)


11/15/2011 6:39:20 PM

"The ability to influence people without irritating them is the most
profitable art known to man."  -- Napoleon Hill

Wise words . . . whether you are a captain of industry, or a Dom. 


10/9/2011 8:10:59 PM

I'm now into the staging rehearsals for an upcoming show at the end of October. We're doing it in a church sanctuary. Seeing that the stained glass windows all feature the names of their donors, I couldn't help commenting on some of the stranger names. With mock shock, I said, "You have STREAKERS in this church? Oh, wait -- you also have PUES!" (rhymes with Hughes.)


10/6/2011 5:34:26 AM

Having a great time as the host of my own internet radio show, and lately I've been a guest on several others. Some of my topics are about what masculinity and femininity REALLY are, and how men and women can reclaim those talents. 


9/14/2011 6:52:54 PM

In a rather controversial decision, I did not win tonite's "Humorous Speech" contest. But I will go to the next level anyway, as First Alternate, so I could still end up competing again. Other club members are now urging me to enter the International contest next spring. My speech tonite was a comedy routine built around my mother's comments about "white trash" and how much it embarrassed me. 


9/2/2011 5:31:37 AM

To put it politely: My ex-husband was a big guy with a white beard. I would prefer that your looks are different from this. Thank you. 


8/29/2011 7:58:52 PM

Goodnight Irene! During the hurricane, I protected the apartment building and everyone in it, by pulling an all-nighter in the basement, catching the incoming water flow in buckets. i felt like the "Little Dutch Boy" with my finger in the dyke (although not the female kind, sorry!) Landlord was impressed. I spared him a massive cleanup job. 


8/22/2011 7:19:20 PM

It's now official: What Doc thought was a polyp, that turned out to be a fibroid, was BENIGN. Yaaay!!! Though I didn't feel a thing, the operation was hard for Doc. Once he got started and saw what was really going on, he realized his team didn't have the correct equipment for the job, and they had to make a mad scramble to get some! Procedure should have taken 20 minutes; I was on the table for more than an hour. Just as well that I was unconscious. 


7/24/2011 12:05:23 PM

Just got back from a trip to NYC, where I visited a very unique place: a Russian and Turkish bathhouse in the East Village. Open since 1892, $30 gets you use of all the facilities (Russian, Turkish, Aromatherapy steam rooms, a redwood dry sauna, showers, robes, towels, rubber slippers, and a pool that is freezing cold to counterbalance the heat of everything else) and you can stay as long as you want. It’s a very social scene, too – people go there to shmooze. 

 

For extra $$, you can get special treatments like a body mud pack, salt scrub, or their signature: the Platza, also known as “Jewish acupuncture.”)

 

For this, they first take you into the Turkish room for a few minutes to acclimate to the heat. Then your guide leads you to the Russian room, where you lie face down on a bench. (You must not touch the wall, it will burn.) Then he takes a large bundle of oak leaves bound together in a handle, dips the bundle into a bucket of olive oil soap – and proceeds to flog you with it!

 

It doesn’t hurt, but the heat is so extreme that it’s all you can stand. Just when you think you’re about to go beyond your limit, he douses you in cold water – and flogs you some more. He does this a couple more times, then makes you turn face up, and he goes through the same process. There’s a specific sequence to this, and he has to move very quickly. 

 

The procedure is supposed to be very detoxifying. Unlike other therapies, this is not soothing or relaxing; it’s supposed to be very intense. Hotter than a sweat lodge. Half an hour after I was done, I went back into the Russian room and watched the process being done on someone else.

 

My therapist (if you could call him that) was a transplanted Uzbekistani, and it was a little difficult to understand his accent. But at the end of the night, I gave him a $10 tip. He totally deserved it. Gods, whatta way to make a living! 

 


6/30/2011 3:59:56 PM

Ahhhh! At long last. It's been a tough 4-year slog, but as of this morning I am now officially a MISS again. 

Apparently what happened, is that Exie tried to get the trial date postponed, then my lawyer requested that the request be denied, which it was. This forced Exie to FINALLY get his own lawyer (he'd been trying to represent himself all this time). That lawyer talked some sense into him, and Exie actually listened. 

So I get to keep my daughter, he has to pay child support, and I don't have to pay alimony. He also has to abide by a code of conduct in which he must refrain from trashing me in my daughter's presence, reserving such conversations for adult friends or appropriately qualified professionals. 

After the whole ordeal, in the end the actual trial was rather anti-climactic. Exie didn't even need to show up. It was just me and my witness answering a few questions and going through the formalities, and the whole thing was finished in 15 minutes. 

Thank you to all who wished me well and gave me emotional support through this long stressful time. 


2/25/2011 6:49:01 PM

At my ToastMasters' meeting this week, the theme was Myths and Legends. This gave me a perfect opportunity to do the "Get Comfortable with Visual Aids" project in the manual. I used it to tell my version of an ancient myth -- complete with visual aids of rope and whip -- and got away with it! My club LOVED it! 


10/31/2010 1:39:58 PM

Do you know what "projection" is? It's when you make a criticism of somebody whom you think exhibits a quality that you unconsciously also harbor, and hate, within yourself.

I've had a few people on this site call me "fake," "deluded," "self-absorbed little twat." Sure sounds like projection to me.

People who write messages like that to me should know that this is not the way to "Win Friends and Influence People." So if you're tempted, bone-up on your Dale Carnegie first. (It's readily available at your local library.)

After that, if you still can't resist, just be aware that such epithets would have reduced me to a quivering, blubbering mass of protoplasm -- once upon a time. I've grown up, and I don't take such things to heart nearly as much anymore. If you think you are hurting me, you are not. You of all people should know that there are more fun and effective ways of inflicting pain. If that is how you introduce yourself, then you're not the kind of person I would want for a friend anyway, let alone my Sir.

Everybody has to learn to "pick their battles." So I will not try to engage you or prove you wrong, I will not dignify the insult with a riposte. I will merely block you. After all, you have to block solicitations for money from third-world would-be subs. I have the right to put up some boundaries too.


10/28/2010 6:20:37 PM

Somebody ripped off my handbag today. I'm angry at myself, because I fell for the old "distract the dunce" trick. Can't help thinking that if I'd had a Dom at my side, this wouldn't have happened.


10/21/2010 8:07:17 PM

Just finished my Halloween costume. In a variation on the virginal-innocent submissive theme, I look like a Hammer heroine. It's a soft romantic Victorian nightgown with white lace and pink ribbon trimming. Accessory: a thin, close-fitting necklace with red faceted glass beads, strategically placed to look like drops of blood gracefully dripping from two punctures in my neck. I'm calling it "The Bitten."

 


10/14/2010 1:04:47 PM
Some food for thought, especially for the Warrior types (of whom there are many on this site, outnumbering all other Doms).

I just got back from what should have been the final trial for my divorce. My Ex is representing himself. During the proceedings, the updated financial calculation resulted in a child support figure that was higher than he expected.

Of course, he panicked. Over and over again, he said "I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe."

Now, this is a man who served his country, was willing to die for his country, and was the captain's battle-talker aboard a battleship. Seeing that WWIII was about to break out, he even once convinced a Soviet Badger to get out of American airspace and turn around and go home.

You would think that a man like this would not so easily come unglued by more mundane threats like an unexpected expense.

Yet this was his pattern during the years I was married to him, again and again. Terribly easily threatened. No sense of control over his own life. Not able to even protect himself, let alone a wife and child.

How does that happen? It makes no sense!

An emotionally-mature person is able to make adjustments in the moment, depending on whatever comes along. And that's not being a "doormat." A man who flies a plane is off-course 90% of the time. So what, big deal: he makes little corrections as he goes. He does not say, "Damn you, air current! You screwed up my flight plan again!"

I'd be interested to hear from other Doms, especially ex-military ones, to see what y'all think about this. Was your return to civilian life a relief, a just reward for valorous service, or fraught with landmines that nobody ever prepared you for?

9/28/2010 6:13:27 PM
Mystery.

What makes a man mysterious?

At a primal level, there's something irresistibly sexually appealing to us gals, about a man who makes us wonder "what's he really like?".

It's the reason why gothic (and vampire) romance novels are written, going all the way back to their mythic prototype: Psyche, determined to discover the secret identity of the man who sleeps with her in darkness, not knowing he's really the God Eros. 

Mystery. Like Magic, it seems to be one of those things that is really difficult to define, but we know it when we see it.  

Can a man consciously cultivate this ineffable quality? If so, how?

Any ideas?


7/28/2010 6:39:51 PM

We were back to her car now. She put her key into the lock . . . but then did not turn it. 

She just stood there, her back to me, as if waiting for something. I was puzzled at first, but then I observed that she was looking at the dark reflection of me in her window's glass. 

I took advantage of her hesitation to wrap my arms around her waist from behind. What a soft, warm, curvaceous body. Again, I attempted to beam into her my vision of what I desired. 

You know I want to touch you. You know how, and where, I want to touch you.

Envisioning what her petal-soft folds would feel like between her legs, peering over her shoulder down her delicious décolletage, it was almost impossible to not let my hands drift up to cup her breasts. 

Though it practically killed me to resist, I would not give in to the impulse, not now. Somehow I knew what would work better with this girl: to give her just enough to make her want more. Make her long for it. Imagine what sex with me might be like. Pleasuring herself to sleep while dreaming of me, so she couldn't get me out of her mind. 

She in turn crossed her arms in front of her to hold each of mine, leaning back against my chest. She turned her left cheek toward me, and breathed slowly and contentedly. As I had before, I synced my breath to hers. 

How small and delicate she looked, resting here in my arms. How . . . vulnerable. Somehow, even with her high intelligence, she was still just . . . a little girl. Weak. Still nubile despite her advancing years. 

And yet, not neurotic. Holy crow, how did she do that?  

Again, my desire for her sex was overtaken by another, even more powerful desire: to protect her, guard her. 

I remembered some things she'd said at lunch. She'd endured trials that would have killed anybody else. Yet she'd spoken of them in such an offhand manner. No trauma, no "attachment." She wasn't whiny. And based on our conversation in the woods, she wasn't clingy either. 

Was she really that "well-adjusted," or was she suffering far more than she let on? Was her happy-go-lucky exterior just an act, to make herself look like she wasn't "high maintenance?" 

Regardless, I now felt a powerful urge to take her in my arms and keep her safe, stand in between her and anything that could attack her, be the bulwark of strength that she'd been missing. 

She was too pretty, too precious, too valuable to lose. Was this the reason why she wore a white dress, so she would look "virginal," and elicit this kind of response from a man?

My instinct to ravish her body warred with my hunch to be gentle with her. How to reconcile them? Could I do both? Have my cake and eat her too?

Eat her . . . 

I discreetly glanced around the parking lot to make sure we were unobserved. Then, I lifted my right hand to stroke her hair . . . she purred as I gave it three sensual strokes . . . then grasped it at the base of her skull, swiftly pulling her head back, exposing her neck to me. 

I bent my head down and gave her neck a nibble. 

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" I grinned at the sound of her high-pitched little cries. I pulled her tight as she squirmed in my left arm, continuing to suck and lick her neck for a few seconds. 

A-HA! That was the Key. Protection was the turn-on for her. Give her that, first -- then the Passion. She would flirt, but she wouldn't give sex without it! Any man who tried to go in reverse order, was doomed to fail with her! 

My heart leapt to see her stumble as I released her. Chivalrously, I took her hand to steady her. Her eyes were wide with surprise, gasping for breath as she turned to face me. 

Wickedly, I laughed low as I said, "I've got your number now." I pointed to her nose. 

Feeling victorious, I stepped back from her, and was gratified to see her step forward, not wanting to break the connection. "Dream on that," I said, "and drive carefully." 

I stepped back a few more paces, still facing her. She was still slack-jawed as she started to reach her arms toward me, as if inviting me to come back. She looked disappointed when I did not. 

Let her have a little mystery to wonder about. 

She began to lower her arms in acceptance . . . but then turned one of her hands to project toward me. "Until next time," she chirped.

She was using a little NLP of her own. I bowed slightly and acknowledged, "Until next time." I turned to walk back to my own car, appearing not to look at her, but keeping her in my peripheral vision, so I could see her get into her car.  

She turned on the ignition, but did not pull out. At this distance, it looked like she was trying to compose herself before braving the traffic. Very wise, I thought. 

I pulled out of my space. As I passed her car, I smiled in anticipation and held my palm steadily toward her, the electricity still arcing between us. She gave me a slight, shy smile in return, wiggling her fingers flirtatiously as she waited to follow me out of the lot. Then we each turned in our respective directions to drive away. 

I turned on the radio -- and serendipitously, the first song I heard was the rousing "The Cup of Life:" 

Do you really want it? Yeah!

Do you really want it? Yeah!

Tonight's the night we're gonna celebrate,

Go, go, go, alé, alé alé!

I laughed out loud to the Universe: "Okay, Guys, I can take a hint!"


7/11/2010 5:09:30 AM
Submission is not just me obeying your every command. (Although that's part of it.) Submission is not only me agreeing to have sex with you, or to do sexual things in front of you. (Although that's part of it.) Submission is more than you inflicting punishments upon me with various implements, and testing my limits. (Although that's part of it.) I may play with you, doing those kinds of things, in a spirit of fun. But it is flirtation, not necessarily submission. I will refuse to surrender if you go too far, too fast. I've had a history of poor boundaries, of going along with things that were against my better judgment. I've made a vow to myself to do better. And I appreciate it when you respect my boundaries. So how do you secure my submission, beyond those boundaries? When you feel very, very protective of me, When you recognize that for all my talent, accomplishments and creativity, I'm still just a girl who needs your strength, guidance, experience, and wisdom, When you can make me feel like you are taking me under your wing, literally tucking me under it as I lay my head upon your chest, my face curled down, away from yours, When you can make me feel as protected as a helpless kitten, When you can make me feel utterly vulnerable yet absolutely safe, When you can make me feel like a nubile girl who has never had sex before, and you are the more experienced man, showing me how, in a spirit of discovery, Then you will earn my open, trusting, lips-parted gaze. Then you will be rewarded with my most eager, lusty ecstasy. Then you will have my trust, my submission, my total surrender. To me, that is the sexiest feeling in the world. It all starts there.

6/7/2010 7:19:18 PM
There's that word again -- "Arrogance."

Not the first time that accusation's been leveled against me.

*Sigh*

By now, I hope I've gotten pretty good at spotting a "projection" when I see one, and the person who called me arrogant is really an insecure pot calling the kettle black.

I suspect he's also looking for someone who will check her intellect at the door -- unless she does so, he cannot feel powerful.  

Life has humbled me. I see why I made the mistakes that I did, especially in relationships.

So how is it "arrogant," that I can finally articulate the qualities of the man who would be best for me? If you don't write it down, it won't happen!

5/19/2010 10:50:29 PM
It happened again, blast it! This time it was a horny little Russian who invited me to a convention of internet marketers. He wasn't even a BDSM contact! (I'd known him -- or thought I did -- since 2005.) Ostensibly, he presented himself as someone who wanted to give me a leg-up in my career. But once we were actually on the trip, it was all I could do to keep his hands off me! Presuming permission to touch private parts when I had given no clear submission signal, nor stopping when I pushed him away, not the slightest effort at determining whether I was even attracted to him in the first place. Trying to make me feel like I was obligated to give him a blow job, when he hadn't even established rapport. And he was doing it all behind his wife's back. I mean, sure, I want to make a success of my career like anybody else, but not if the cost is giving unwilling sexual favors. Monica Lewinsky I ain't. That said, I DID make some good connections at the event, even getting picked to be in a documentary film. But this happened in spite of my Russian escort, not because of him. Once back home, I started asking around among other entrepreneurs -- and discovered that this guy has quite the dossier of unprofessional behavior. Once they figure out that he's a user, they won't have anything to do with him. Instead of mentoring me, he's trying to ride my coattails! What part of "nyet" does he not understand? I was angry and disturbed enough by this that I've even had dreams this week about being raped, which is very unusual for me. (Most times when I dream about sex, it's because I want it.) Live and learn. Now I'm wondering if I've got something subliminal going on, that's making me inadvertently attract these low-character guys who rush me. I'm not looking for the guy who's going to be good for a few weeks or months. I'm looking for the man who's going to be good for me for the next 40 years. People make different decisions when they''re investing long-term.

5/10/2010 8:13:03 AM
If the tone of my previous journal entry sounded a little too angry and off-putting, allow me to explain what some of my history has been . . .

Long story short, about the "financial slavery" thing I mentioned in my profile: My ex-husband got into a whole bunch of so-called money-making "systems" after he retired -- which meant that he talked me into going along with a lot of ill-considered, impulsive choices that made no sense, that went against my better judgment. And I let him get away with it, because he proved over and over that it was too much hassle to provoke his wrath by protesting. I caved-in just to make him shut up, far more than was healthy.

As you might expect, the result was ruinous, emotionally as well as financially.

So now that I'm out of that marriage, the whole dating process has turned out to be an exercise in developing the "spine" that I didn't have before, to be able to Step Up and say when something's not OK with me.

I now know that I have to watch for this tendency in myself. That's why I need you to give me the chance to figure out whether I can trust your Good Judgment in life and in people, before we give in to lust. Of course I "want IT" -- the decision is, to determine that I want IT with you.

If Woman is like the Moon, and the Moon doesn't cast any light of its own, but only reflects whatever light is cast upon it . . . then that means it's a woman's job to choose a man who casts her in the most flattering, strengthening light possible. If you are that man, then you will have the patience to build that trust.

A Real Man respects a woman who can stand up for herself without becoming shrill. And her surrender is all the more valuable to him, knowing that he earned it by strength, not by force of sarcasm.

5/7/2010 12:07:21 PM
Having been on this site for 3 years now, the time has come for me to clarify what it is I'm really looking for.

I've met several men through here, and I am really wondering why so many of them are rushing me before I'm ready. Guys, despite our mutual interest in spicy play activities, it's still all about the relationship. In other words, I want us to be in Love with each other first!

So what does a man need to be, or do, in order for me to fall in Love with him?

1. For starters, I have a certain taste in how a man looks. That might be hard to describe, and I can afford to be flexible here. I know that most men are visually oriented, and they want a hot babe. I'm beautiful enough that I have no trouble at all attracting men . . . so it's only fair that the man be equally attractive to me, so I can enjoy looking at him just as much as he does me! And while we're on the subject of attractiveness: Never underestimate the power of smell. Bad smells are the number one turnoff for all women, not just me. And it's so easily prevented. Even "old-guy breath" can be neutralized with probiotics. I want to enjoy kissing!

2. Is he a gentleman? Does he treat me like a princess? Does he hold doors for me, walk to the outside on the sidewalk, etc? These courtesies aren't hard to learn. I'm a bit old-fashioned that way, but to me it's part of the dance of flirtation. It's a way that a man can show me his strength and generosity.

3. How is he regarded by other men? Does he have rank and status among them? Do other men respect and defer to him? Is he a role model for others? Does he bring out the best in other people? How does he treat his inferiors? (This is a truer measure of a man, than how he treats his equals or superiors.) If he is resentful of people who have more power, status, or money than he does, it's a red flag -- he's not Alpha if that's the case.

4. How does he handle adversity, conflict, or disagreement? Does he keep a cool head? Does he look for the Win-Win? If he turns sarcastic, or comes completely unglued and starts blaming everyone within range (rather than looking within to figure out how he might have brought it on himself) . . . he's going to have me working WAY too hard to calm him down. If he's too easily threatened, I have to become The Strong One in the relationship. I want to feel SECURE, COMFORTED and PROTECTED with my Man. I want to feel that I can TRUST him to take decisive (not rash) action.

5. What's his attitude toward money? That's even more important than how much of it he has. (I saved this one for last, lest I appear to be a "material girl.") Who does he have on his Power Team or Mastermind Group? How confident is he in his ability to create highly-compensable value . . . so that even if he lost everything tomorrow, he'd be able to rebuild his Resource Base very quickly? How resilient is he? Does he learn from his mistakes? Has he taken it on the chin and bounced back even stronger than ever? I don't want to be around people who've convinced themselves they're doomed to live crappy lives because of the "hand" they were dealt; I want to be with people who believe they can overcome anything. Does he value Time more than Money? That is, is he willing to sacrifice a little bit of money to gain a little bit of time, so he has the time to do things that attract money? I ask this, because if he's looking for me to be an unpaid household servant, he should look elsewhere. I am a submissive, not a slave. I have creative ambitions of my own. I would prefer a man who encourages that, and has enough resources to arrange for low-value "maintenance activities" to be hired-out, so I can devote time and energy to creating compensable value of my own.

I want to have ample opportunity to assess a man for these qualities, BEFORE I get between the sheets (or over his knee)! I want to feel soft and protected like a just-blossomed girl, as the more experienced and knowledgeable man takes me by the hand and in his arms to lead me to fulfillment. Let's face it . . . It's not easy to be that vulnerable. But it's the submissive's greatest gift. When a man takes the time to show me he deserves that gift, he will be well rewarded.

4/28/2010 8:03:34 AM
Hmm -- why is it that nowadays, every time I log on to this site, the featured member on the home page always is from Texas?

4/8/2010 8:46:09 PM
Hmm, it appears that messages to me have gone down a bit since I had to take the pix down.

12/20/2009 6:32:20 AM
Surviving the blizzard of 2009 in fine style. Variations on "Winter Wonderland" have been buzzing in my brain. The voices alternate between Annie Lennox, Aretha Franklin, Dean Martin, and even the Indigo Girls' Broolyn version: "Gone away is da blueboid, heah ta stay is a new boid . . ."

11/13/2009 4:01:50 PM
Making revisions to manuscript. Adding cool new stuff on what to do when you're up to your ass in alligators.

7/1/2009 8:27:28 PM
Last night I went to an exercise class that happened to be held in a Catholic high school. Off to one side of the room, there was a small table with three booklets and 2 rosaries on it. One of the booklets was called "Pure Manhood."

Curious to know how they define manhood, I peeked inside . . . and was shocked at the propaganda I found. It was all a bunch of brainwashing intended to completely bleach all thoughts of sex from teen boys' brains. Instead of using terms like "losing your virginity," they substituted "losing your purity." It would have been laughable if it weren't so pathetic. Another futile attempt to circumvent the natural instinct.

Subsections had headings like "Is it OK if I just think about sex?" "What if I'm not looking at porn, but just the Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated?"

A total obsession with No Sex -- and Not Word ONE about how to build up Manly Strength and Character!

I couldn't resist. I found a scrap of paper, and wrote upon it: "There's WAY more to being a REAL MAN than merely not having sex with the wrong people at the wrong time. What about being cool and level-headed in a crisis? Facing your problems head-on, instead of blaming other people or drinking yourself into oblivion? Being both assured and assuring to those who are weaker than you? Read The Desiderata by Rudyard Kipling!"

And I left it on the table, on top of the booklet.

12/10/2008 7:03:49 PM
In the year-and-a-half since I left my husband, I have been studying a great deal about what makes a True Master -- specifically, on how such a man would control himself before controlling anyone else. He would have a Personal Boundary that is as strong as my ex-husband's was weak.


The Personal Boundary is a line drawn in the sand, your own Private Country. It defines the difference between everything you control in your life, and everything that you don’t control.

 

And what do you control in your life?

 

Your standards

Your likes and dislikes   

Your attitude 
Things you believe about yourself

     and about other people in general

Openness to being with a general kind of person

                 (playing with this has given us the

                  eternal pop-culture question,

                  “Ginger or Mary Ann?”)

 
The Personal Boundary is a barrier against stress and the center of Strength. It blocks inappropriate people and experiences at the passport office, and allows appropriate ones to get in to tour your world. Without it, a person’s inner psychology is like the Australian outback – anything can get in or out.

 

How do you know when a person’s Boundary is like Swiss Cheese? He has a bad day every time the environment is bad to him and a good day only when the environment is perfect. The uncontrollable stresses of life seep in and gain total control of him. He is thin-skinned, overly sensitive, easily offended, easily overwhelmed, perceives himself to be a perpetual victim, emotionally high-maintenance, and cannot defend himself psychologically – let alone defend his family – except by being so demanding that those around him have no choice but to cave in. Other men do not respect him; other women cannot love him because he cannot be relied upon to keep a cool head in a crisis. You cannot stand on your head in enough different ways to satisfy him.

 

A person who lacks a strong Personal Boundary will often try to compensate for that lack by attempting to control those people closest to him, telling them how they “should” feel, what they “should” think, what they “should” do. The frequency of the word “should” in a person’s conversation is a dead giveaway that said person has little or no Boundary! When he says “should” a lot, what he is really saying is that he wishes he controlled something that he does not. A pure example of this is Road Rage, in which a person burns a ton of emotional energy and gets nothing back. Traffic does not obey our commands.

 

Now, here's a Super-Secret Clue: No matter how emotionally mature women may be in every other way, by the very nature of how they are built, they will always have at least one hole in their Boundary – the vagina itself. They get Penetrated. This has profound implications, not only physically but psychologically.

 

What I’m about to reveal here is something I’ll bet you’ve never seen in any sex manual or article, because they focus mostly on the clitoris and g-spot. Are you familiar with the concept of Meridians in Acupuncture? This is a network of electrical connections that runs along the pathways of the nervous system. It explains why, when you scratch an itch in one part of your body, another part of your body feels a sympathetic reaction.

 

Well, guess what? In a woman’s body, there is a column of nerves directly in the very center of her body . . . leading from the cervix all the way up to underneath the sternum! Do the math: depending on the height of the woman, this column can be anywhere from 12 to 18 inches long. This means that when a man is a good physical fit to her, he may be penetrating her only to a depth of 6 inches, but she virtually feels it all the way up to the top of that meridian! (Talk about the Ultimate Male Fantasy of having a 2-foot member!)

 

For a woman, this is the most extraordinary feeling, and extremely vulnerable. It is exquisite and delicious when she is with a man she loves . . . but excruciating if the man has not been good to her in other ways.

 

This is the reason why sex alone is not enough to comfort a woman, if her man has behaved like an asshole towards her. It may be enough for him – one good fuck and all is forgiven – but for her, if anything, it makes matters worse, because it’s not what she needs. What she needs is reassurance that he will never treat her selfishly again.

 

Now I understand that in the career world, women need to have thick skins – everybody does. I “get” this, and I’m way better at it than I used to be. But, due to this unique property of the female anatomy, a woman’s sex partner needs to be the one man in all the world with whom she can let down her guard. If she has to constantly keep the shields up, just to survive emotionally when she’s around him, then what’s the point of intimacy?


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