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| I enjoy water related activities, swimming, scuba diving, and most of all sailing. I love to visit with friends and other positive persons, take walks by the water, go to dinner, quite nights at home. I laugh as much as I can, cry when I need to and maintain a positive view because not to do so sucks. I am new to being active in the style but giving up control through the many means available leaves me breathless. I like bondage, flogging, oral and anal play, electro, latex, rubber, leather and most likely other activities that I am not aware of.
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Friday December 5th 2014
Wow the year has flown by. Work has been crazy and will only get crazier in the coming months, but it's nice to have work and get paid for it.
The past few weeks I have been in a funk of sorts, trying to find my way and establish my place. as always I think to much and cause paralysis. Anyways I think I'm past it for now and have been rededicating myself. Master's training seems to have taken a more personal responsibility tone, still stick this there and fuck that, hump and rehump but also quite reminders of my assignments, daily task to be completed. Kinda put the load back on me to comply and serve because that's what I want to do.
I have been allowed to attend local functions, classes on rope (heavennnnnnnnn), wax (heavennnnn again), safety and general information. They have been very informative and grounding. The results have been that I'm getting more centered and calm, and my focus is returning somewhat. So hopefully this latest trend will continue.
Well yay it's Friday, and payday. Ciao for now and stay groovy.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Monday December 1 2014
Been a rough emotional day, one of those emotional days where everything and nothing is wrong. Been awhile since I had such a day, and they still suck. I am always surprised and caught unawares by these fits of irrational and aggravating self loathing, pity and degradation. My mind says it's nonsense but my emotions cry out in anguish.
It will pass soon, nothing that a warm dark rollup in my blankets wont resolve. Ciao for now.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday, November 30th 2014
I've been difficult the last few days. Questioning, arguing and debating and we all know where that leads.
I was thinking about the whys and what for's of submission and the difference between bottoming and submission. I'm still hung up on the constant sex related training, stick this here, suck on this and that, hump and fuck. I like these well enough and in there manner and fashion and they are training, however they seem to smack of male privilege shallowness. All of these activities can be experienced in bottoming and one can achieve a certain level of subspace and it can be done over a short period of time.
Maybe I know to much (or way to little), maybe I've seen to much and have been jaded beyond hope. Maybe I fight to much, expect to have some sort of say in submittace, taking the good, the cool, the stuff I want to do and not the inconvenient or things I don't want to do. Bottoming is easy, you show up, lay, stand, whatever, where told to and when to and prepare for what's to come, you put yourself there but you also know that i will end at a given point, you can mentally leave at some point and that you will receive hugs and warm aftercare. However, bottom is the shallow end of the pool and no matter how much you swim in that end it will only get so deep. Submission is the deep end, or at least I want it to be. I want to experience that total giving of myself. To do that I need someone else because I won't go there on my own. I hold back, hide parts of me, afraid to stand fully exposed. I create visions of master sitting in dirty underwear in a filthy house, watching TV or playing video games and every now and than typing today your'e going to fuck yourself while upside down every twenty minutes with a giant black 2 foot long dildo, just to sea if you'll do it and go back to whatever they were doing, Maybe it just takes a little more faith on my part. I'm a natural skeptic.
Bottoming is like playing with someone in your room you have cleaned and made look neat and orderly, submission is opening the closet door, allowing someone to sea all the crap you threw in there to make your room look clean. While walking this morning, the thought came that submission is like sailing. In sailing you have no real control, the wind blows from where it will blow from and one has no control over it. You can't say wind please blow from the north because I'm going south. It will blow from the south because that's what the wind does and you can stay in the marina or you can go out and make the wind blowing from the south work for you and the direction you want to go, you may not like it, but when the trip is done, those are the passages one remembers. No one remembers staying in the marina.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Friday night, November 28th 2014
Thanksgiving day was nice, low key event with family.
Last Weds night I had a toss with a lovely young woman. Its was more of a sensual and softer experience than I was expecting. She was gracious, giving, accepting and a bit demanding all in the same person. Watch out master, I could come to love serving a mistress. I do hope we get together again some time soon.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Saturday November 22 2014
Going to Los Angeles for various things one of which is to attempt to have oral sex. I'll have a report tomorrow evening.
Submissively
Marnie
Sunday November 23 2014
Did not have any oral sex this weekend, in the final moment I decided it was better not to, Good choice I think. |
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Friday November 21th 2014
Work was busy today, but it's Friday and payday. Dont really have much to write tonight. Training has been going well despite me being a brat and complaining at every turn. Training has started to get into the aspects of service and what the sexual kinky exercises are there to teach me. The next few months should be interesting. Im sure I will continue to be difficult, but heck, I'm worth it.
Stay Groovy and keep on keeping on.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday Nov 20 2014
Where has the year gone? Tonight is same sex night at a local hangout. Haven't been to this place before but it suppose to a laid back place with acoustic live music and nice people. Haven't done the lesbian thing in a while so it should be interesting, meeting a woman I have meet a few days ago, maybe there will be some old hags there as well.
If you can remember the sixties you weren't there.
Submissively,
Marnie
PS, I report on the happening tomorrow, wish me luck. |
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Weds November 19th 2014
Going out to a seminar on serving, not sure what to expect but should be informative.
I have been harping on the aspect of something more to submission that just sex, I have been told that sex is more than a physical act, that there is another level involved, which I agree with completely. I was referring to what seems to be the preoccupation with masters and doms and whomever wants control, with sex. That's all they talk about, is your pussy wet, are you horny, did you cum, do you have a plugs in, did you fuck your pussy, did you put your nipples clamps on and on and on. All of which I understands develops ones physical capacity and may keep ones mind on sex and wanting to perform sexual acts, but what is beyond that. Its nice to say there is more to the sexual acts but what is it, how does it elevate one to a higher plan through service, is service just sexual? I dont believe so, I believe it is more, a way of life, a consciousness developed through service including but more than sex. So far all I hear about is being sexy, looking sexy, playing with myself, hell anyone can do that.
Anyways I am enjoying the sex part but waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'll learn something tonight.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Weds Nov 19, 2014
Didn't write yesterday, I went to a meeting with a wonderful woman, had tea and desert at Starbucks. We chatted for over an hour, her and a male friend she had accompany her. I'm hoping that it will go further, we'll see. After chating went to a rope tieing event in Hillcrest, I just loved being tied and the helplessness that comes along with it. Lots of wonderful people and some very skilled ropers, seems her and I are on the same page there.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Journal entry coming in the morning |
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Monday, November 17th 2014
Another busy day at work. Damn!!!!! work is a four letter word.
After all the plugging, pumping, self fucking, etc etc, what is left. Surely submission is more than just a sexual act. I do these things everyday, when they were new it was, well ............. new and there was excitement of the new. But what is beyond all that. Maybe physical contact is whats missing, the sensual touch, the word, the understanding that someone else is there and that all this , this ....... practice as it were, is for a reason, and a preparation to go further. Now it seems like I practice for the big game that never comes. And even after the physical contact, does the same thing happen. I have enjoyed the short time contacts with others for years, which may have fueled my desire to submit fully to someone. Maybe I just don't get it, maybe I'm to impatient, lack commitment, discipline and will to follow thru. Or perhaps this self doubt, discouragement, frustration is just another rung in the long ladder to master. Don't know, I do know I'm a slut and love being a slut, guess that will have to be enough for now.
Stay groovy and keep on keeping on.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday Nov 16, 2014
Bimbo Slut Whore is taking the day off.
Marnie |
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Saturday Nov 15, 2014
Had a long late conversation with a friend who needed to talk things thru. I was punished for it, 30 minutes in the corner. But fuck it, it was something my friend needed, I have been where she is and it's a dark place full of despair. Anyways I feel it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes having a voice can cost me, have to thing that one over before I write more. Distance is a bitch, duality time consuming, maybe I think to much.
I will be out slutting around tonight so journal may not be written until tomorrow, so this is it for now.
Everyone stay groovy.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday November 13, 2014
Very busy day at work today. Lots of meeting, etc etc, more in store for tomorrow me thinks.
Dont have much for tonight, did the usual nipple pumping, ass and pussy fucking, went to the grocery store and almost forgot about a first aid class I need to take to update my OSHA certification. Freaking 2 1/2 hours.
Tomorrow I may have more to write about, so please please please forgive me for tonight.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Weds Nov 12 2014
Not much to write tonight. Had a quick conversation with a captivating woman today. Her stare was an invitation to get on my knees and do whatever she wished, hinted or desired. It was an incredible experience. I must be getting all mushy in my old age.
Training is coming along, the nipple hurt less every day, I look forward to the ass and cunt play and heaven has become a 20psi pump on my clitoris, unfortunately heaven only be experienced for 20 mins or so before it turns, lol. The nipple clamps that at first were extremely painful and a major distraction has turned in a bit of playtime. Running in place naked causing the chain attached to the clamps to swing up, down and around creating the sensation of pain and pleasure in such proper proportions that it's hard to tell which is which, melting together into a joy. Weird uh.
It is defiantly much to late to say no.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Tuesday November 11 2014
Starting pumping my clitoris this week with the goal of doubling it's size, and increasing the sensitivity. We''ll sea how that works out. I like the sensation it creates.
Not much happening today, went to a nude beach with the intent of laying around and relaxing for my slut outing. It turned out to be a cloudy and slightly breezy day and a bit chilly for my taste. I laid there as long as I could, even wore the nipple clamps, but it was too chilled for me so left after less than hour. Not many people there and no one was nude.
More tomorrow.
Submissively,
Marnie
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Monday November 10, 2014
A busy day at work for a Monday. Bought a car, I feel like a real American now.
Ive become fond of double penetration. It starts with a somewhat painful thrust, morphing into a small relief that the pain is gone, evolving in a slow delicious sensation sliding in and out and finally lustful desire and than one push in to the depths and hold.
Than the slow insertion into the pussy, past the lips at first, rolling the head of the dildo around the breath of the libs, teasing the hole, making it ache to be penetrated. Giving over to the need, sliding the head into the canal, deeper and deeper as the tightness gives way and I can feel the shaft from the ass tight against the dildo in my cunt. Sitting up on the bed on my knees, slowly at first, rocking forward than easing back, arching, spreading, faster, the room fads and there is only the rocking and the sensation and the lustful desire to be fucked and give myself up. Both insertions moving now, slowly, than quicker, than slower, on and on, than the collapse and release.
Yep, I want to enjoy this sensation, but I want somebodies else to do the work, lol. My arms are wore out.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday November 9th 2014
In a previous entry I made reference to finding my voice, the ying of submission as I view it. The yang I feel is the act submission itself, the willingly giving of this voice, of one's self to another. One without the other seems to me to be a perversion of the whole.
To submit to another requires that one have something to submit, some inner strength, some knowledge and belief that one has a worth. Otherwise one has a belief that one is of no worth, offers nothing and therefor a doormat. The understanding of this strength is what I call "voice", the what of who one is, the ying. This understanding is no small feat. It is complex and can be convoluted with twist and unexpected moments of clarity that are both joyous and painful. To look at and into one's self and see the reality of what lies within, well, isn't that what this journey demands, self discovery.
The understanding of the how to give over this strength and what is is the ying. The Devil is in the details as it were. More to come.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Friday November 7 2014
Not much happening today at work. I am so ready to retire.
It's one of those nights I have writer's block and have nothing to say, so I won't. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday November 6th 2014
Life falling down the rabbit hole, the first bit of falling one feels the acceleration of movement and the apprehension of the new, of change. But now, I really don't even notice I am falling anymore. Life is mysterious again, exciting, what will I evolve in to today, what new pleasure in the form of service will be unveiled to me, what barriers will I be eclipsed, and why have I spent almost my entire life afraid. The real truth is there is no bottom, only the hole, only the falling.
I am finding a voice, my voice, a voice I can have to define my submission, to structure and enhance obedience and a voice to utter my complete and total release. Submission's plot is told to me page by page, a story is taking form, and those little aha moments keep accumulating, adding substance, pleasure and joy, all thru just releasing, obeying and submitting. Falling .... it definitely to late to say no.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Wednesday November 5 2104
I have been preoccupied with lots of work and a family issue. So I haven't had much to say and I have struggled to write. It's a sobering water in the face when a loved one gets sick and there's little one can do.
I have tried to stick to my regimen and have for the most, part but I'm a little distracted, but it's way past the point of saying no. With the crisis pasted and the outcome wonderful maybe I will begin focusing. Who knows, maybe my drive will be more intense now, I am enjoying life so and want to take it to the end with joy, commitment and service. We shall see.
Submissively,
Marnie
PS, Im getting fat and it's all your fault. :) |
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Monday November 3 2014
It was cold this morning. I'm a warm weather person. Pumped my nipples before I went to work. Both are now healed but I'm still being easy on them. The feeling of very large hard nipples is incredible, they get so sensitive and a touch will make me quiver and squirm. Sweet.
I am training at having my ass and pussy both penetrated at the same time. Although I have not done it with real live men, I do rather enjoy the feeling of what I have done so far. The most difficult aspect if the flexibility required. I will need to work on that. Eventually I would like to experience complete helplessness and have all three holes filled, at the will of sexual desire and the lust of others. Way beyond the point I can say no.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday November 2, 2014
It was a chilly morning, went for a run/walk, performed my submissive duties (fucking my cunt, pumping nipples) to get ready for the weekly Sunday Slut Walk. As it was cold the instructions were to walk at the mall. Now the mall is not enclosed so it really didnt make any difference but I like the mall almost as much as I like the beach. So anal plug put in, nipple clamps with chain on, tight black tights, pink low cut skimpy top, no bra and no panties.
The bike ride to the mall is a wonderful ride along mission bay and up the San Diego River, and today was no exception. The nipples protruding because of the clamps rubbed against my top creating a nice sensation as I peddled and the chained lurched up and down pulling on the nipples acting as even more stimulus. Normally I wear the clamps one hour on two off but today they didn't seem to bother me as much and for most of the day I hardly knew they were there. Finally around three (like four hours) they got a little to much and I took them off.
Like wise, the anal plug felt rather erotic today, riding back and forth on the bike seat was a lovely feeling and I didn't get sore for about four hours, however, unlike the clamps the plug is a little more involved to involved so I left it in till I got home.
My legs are sore a bit an my back ache's but the nipples and ass feel great. Im going to pleasure myself now and get ready for bed. BTW didn't buy anything.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Saturday November 1 2014
Drove to LA and back today. Rained most of the way back. Not a whole lot today, it's easier everyday to wear no bra and panties, today I wore a short bright pink skirt and didnt think about it once. Ah the little improvements.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Saturday November 1 2014
I was a lazy sub yesterday. Went to write in my journal last night as I am instructed to but just didn't have anything at that time. I'm sure there will be hell to pay for that.
I'll be gone most of the day, will try to get the fuzz out of my head long enough to put my thoughts together for a writing tonight. Ciao for now, stay groovy.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday Oct 30, 2014
And yet another hectic day at work. Important investors meeting tomorrow, went shopping tonight to get a new skirt and button up top (with permission of course) bought a long black skirt for the cold weather ahead and a black top, however I neglected to ask permission so I may return them.
I was instructed to wear the anal plug and nipple clamps underneath my short and slutty dress, which I did. It's getting easier to wear the plug but my nipples are raw and constantly hurt, almost to the point of not being able to function, also make trying on tops more difficult. Has some below average sushi and came home, gad I live an exciting life.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Weds October 29th 2014
A very hectic day. Lots of unexpected projects and working late.
I have been in a funk today, feeling like I have hit a wall and haven't been making anyone happy. Haven't had the desire to do any training, sexual drive is low, my interest has bottomed out. Talked to master about this and he has assured me that this will pass. Don't have much to say, still sorting these feeling out and putting them away. Thank you master you have made me feel much better.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Tuesday October 28 2014
The month has flow by. So much has happened, so many new avenues have opened up, more freedom and yet more control, more challenges, more pain and yet more pleasure, more resistance, reluctance, obstinate and yet more wiliness to obey and freedom in acceptance of the slut cunt whore I am.
The strength I gain by my compliance has surprised me, the willingness to do things I dont want to because it pleases my master is ecstatic. Where does all this come from, amazing. I love self discovery, many times it's a false road, at times its transient and fickle but this time, this giving of myself to another in the way I am feels so genuine, so perfect how could I not do anything else.
Submissively,
Marnie
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Monday Oct 27 2014
Fucking my ass and trying to write journal. Well that was distracting but interesting.
Like many of the other things I am being trained for, I never believed I would like anal sex so much. What a sensual feeling sliding in and out, up and down, pleasure increasing as I rock myself back and forth, fucking soft and slow, moving into a more deliberate pace finally increasing into a frantic need to go faster and harder, never being able to reach that peak, lusting and wonting for much more and finally limp and heavy melting into the bed, laying and shaking completely spent one moment and the next jumping on the chair and humping waves of ecstasy after ecstasy, never wanting it to stop. Stomach and legs aching, longing to stop and than the quivering and shaking crashing me to the floor.
So you see, writing and fucking my ass at the same time is a near impossibility for the neo trained bimbo slut with lack of self control.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday October 26th 2014
As I wrote yesterday a new torture device was added to the collection yesterday, nipples clamps with a chain attaching the two clamps. It's an awesome add. This morning, under command, I fucked my ass with the largest dido I have with the nipple clamps. As I moved my ass up and down on the insertion the chain swayed back and forth creating such a wonderful sensation.
My master has commanded me to wear the clamps, ass plug and my very revealing sun dress, ride my bike to the beach, take a walk, take a swim with my sun dress on, making sure I get everything wet, than lay on my towel on my stomach and dry out.
I didn't want to obey, having nothing on but my sun dress, which when wet is totally revealing, being soaking wet, exposed to everyone at the beach wasn't something I saw myself doing. I resisted, last night I was convinced I would not obey, this morning I knew I wouldn't obey, it was cloudy after all and it would be cold, no I don't want to have a wet sun dress clinging to my body with nothing on, no I wasn't going to obey in this. As I was getting ready to go, as I enjoy the anal plug, I put it in, nothing I haven't done before. I also put on the nipples clamps, they are new and I am excited about them. But I wouldn't wear the sun dress, I thought this many times as I was putting on the dress. Ok the sun dress wans't that bad, I had wore it to the beach before, even without anything on underneath, as master had commanded, so nothing I haven't done, but I will not go swimming, no that was to much, I would not obey. This is not me, maybe I am not submissive, maybe this is all for not. Riding my bike to the beach I found I didn't think about pulling my dress down as I usually did when riding naked under my sun dress. Odd I thought, but why bother just ride. I got to the beach, locked the bike and headed down to the water. I will walk as commanded but a swim, never, no, that is my limit. I walked a bit south along the sand where the water laps the beach. All I found myself thinking once the water rinsed my feet was how I had to obey, I had to do as commanded, there is no other course of action I could do. I couldn't believe I was going to actually do this. I was going to go full bodied swimming and expose myself to what would come after. I put my bag down on the dry sand, spread the towel out and without any more resistance I walked into the waves until I was treading water, a wave crashed against me almost tearing the nipple clamps off, I was sure I would lose both the clamps and the plug. The water was cold but not to cold. I was so freaking aroused I couldn't believe it. Was it the erotic act of swimming knowing my wet dress would show everything when I got out, was it the sensation of the clamps and plug, no, I was most aroused, most pleased, just ecstatic that I had obeyed, I would be able to tell master I have done as he commanded, I was a good slut, I was fucking smiling at the thought of how proud he would be. SHIT, I can't believe this, I'm enjoying it.
I stayed in the water for few minutes, revealing in obedience, feeling the joy of submitting. I laughed, swung my arms around. Than what little sun there was hid behind the clouds as they move inland. I slowly walked out of the water not caring if anyone was looking or not. As I walked up to the towel the nipple clamp did fall off, ouch and ooooo my all at the same time. As instructed, I laid on the towel and dried off. After 15 mins or so I decided it would be better to walk and let the breeze dry my scant clothing so I walked north to the pier, swinging my hips more than usual, smiling. Than rode my bike home, but I went the longer route, riding the bike trail along the bay, another 3 miles or so. Again I pulled at my dress once, but because it was folded under my seat and uncomfortable.
I am so hot with the fact that I obeyed, I did something master told me to do that I didn't want to do, without thinking about it once I was to it. Maybe there's hope for me as a submissive bimbo slut whore.
Submissively,
Marnie
PS, and I fixed my sliding glass door lock and handle. Yep super handy sub |
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Saturday October 25 2014
Not much going on today, went to LA for the morning on some appointments and drove back.
I received permission so I went to the toy store this afternoon and acquired a set of nipple clamps on 11" of chain. I couldn't wait to try them on so I attached them in the parking lot (like any reasonable sub would do}. How awesome they are. the clamps but a precise tightness and the chain sways when I walk moving the clamps and twisting the nipples, the resulting feeling is constant and exquisite. I will be wet when ever I these clamps.
Submissively,
Marnie aka bimbo slut |
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It's a Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, got some money cuss I just got paid........
Actually, doing fine tonight, made seven bean soup with veggie's to freeze and take for lunches next week. Going to LA early tomorrow so it early to bed for me.
Today was fuck my ass night. Master has me alternating days between pussy and ass. Not sure which I enjoy the most. I got a an additional dido a few weeks back and it slides up and out of my ass so nicely, such a warm feeling of pleasure. I can go for about 20 mins but working on a longer session so I will be prepared to receive cock in my ass for as long as my master wants without whinny and discomfort. After the first insertion and a few full 6" in and out the discomfort is gone and I can get into a rhythm and relax and enjoy the pleasures of anal penetration.Of course the real thing is preferred and a greater diversity of positions is possible, for now tho I will follow training and avail myself to the limited positions I can achieve.
On the nipple pumping front, ran in to a set back this morning. During my regular before work enlargement I may have over indulged, because I just love big fat nipples, anyways I developed two blood blisters on my right nipples. :0, I released the pressure cleaned it up, applied antibiotic cream, put a tissue over the nipples to prevent blood from getting on my clothing, got dressed and went about my day without thinking about it. My nipples were so sensitive all day, it was freaking awesome. If it wasn't a bad thing I would do the blister thingy every day. Fuck, I love being a slut. Thank you master for all the wonderful training.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday Oct 23 2014
Very hectic day at work, was slammed the entire day.
Posted some new pictures, I enjoyed taking them, hope everyone enjoys looking at my slutty body. I have become to enjoy wearing my anal plug, feeling it move within when I move, squirming on it when I sit. I'm excited about the jeweled tip plug I ordered, it will look awesome. Master's training is working well.
I also get hot looking at other slutty girls, comparing and wondering what they do. I havent been able to touch and play with my pussy for a week. I'm so wet down there and ready to fuck the MHS football team. I am also warming to the ideal of being fucked in all three holes at once, the thought stimulates the senses and get's me squirming with pleasure. Nipples are getting bigger and if they continue growing I'll have to start calling them utters.
TTFN. submissively,
Marnie |
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Weds Oct 22 2014
Work really sucks, enough said.
Today I got in trouble, ordered a aqua colored jewel tipped stainless steel anal plug (for less than $6 I might add) without asking permission first. Cost me 30 minutes of corner time which I hate on work nights, leaves me no time to shower and clean up, wash hair etc unless I want to stay up late and be tired at the work the next day.
Sometimes you do something you think is right and will be appreciated, and in the enthusiasm of the moment you forget the little protocol items, like asking permission. It's difficult at times to transition one's life from being on your own, doing what you have to or want to, when you want to without thinking, to a life of being subservient to another s will, desires, time schedule, wants, options, moods and who knows what else. Particularly when one has personal responsibilities to care for oneself when not in the physical presence of master.
As I have said before, I'm finding submission more than just saying yes.
Submissively,
Marnie
PS, think I'm getting sick. |
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Tues, Oct 21, 2014
I would like to get a jewel looking capped anal plug. I saw some pics where these were worn and I love the look. I like the diamond look, because after all diamonds are a girls best friends yes.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Monday Oct 20, 2014
New toy came today, fits in the pussy pretty well, will take some getting use to. Not much to write about today, I love being a slut and look forward to showing off my new and improved shape as it comes along. Running and working out, gad such work, no one ever said being a slut was easy, wait maybe it is.
Submissively
Marnie |
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Sunday October 19th, 2014
Photos coming soon. Not much of a day, slept late, ran/walked for a few miles, went sluting at the beach in just a sun dress, went wading waist deep, lifted the sun dress up. As much as I want something to complaint about, nobody seemed to notice and/or pay attention to me. Thats either a sign I'm getting so use to living the slut inside me or I'm just of no attraction to anyone slut or not. I'll go with I use to it and there just happened to be no one there to notice lol.
Good night
Submissively,
Marnrie |
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Friday Oct 17th 2014
Not much to say today. Work was ok but long for a Friday. I was reading another journal entry about another woman who is embracing herself as a slut. Many of the same feeling I have been experiencing. I was struck about her growing love of anal plugs, a feeling I have been enjoying lately as well. It nice to know I'm not the only one out there. I have been asked if I would post more picture, master has said he would allow that so I will post some next week.
Thanks to the viewer of my page that likes tall women, being a tall woman has always been difficult, being tall precludes being cute and petite, a quality most men like. It is wonderful to know some men appreciate the beauty and attributes of tall beauties.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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I have been pumping my nipples for weeks now and the are getting larger and firmer. When I dont wear a bra (or sometimes even when I do) the sensation created by contact with my clothing is completely erotic and keeps me excited most of the day. I love the feeling I get touching and playing with them so much it's hard to stop. At home I am always naked, Im getting some nipple clamps with bells to wear when I get home and nipples bands to wear when Im out and about.
I have started pumping my clitoris now and hope to increase the sensitivity there in the same manner.
I am embracing the slut in me and enjoy the kink I have held back for so long.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Had a so so day at work. Went to a place by the beach after work for Lobster Tacos, yummmy, wore a revealing tank top with no bra and tights without panties. I got some looks and a cute old guy hit on me, all in all it was a fun outing. Sanctioned of course. I embrace my slut side more each day and am starting to look forward to my slut fullness. Thank you master for all your training and confidence in me.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Well Just another day as it were. And what a difference a day makes. Feeling more positive today.
I thinks it's work, my heart is just not in it any ore and I still need to work another year at least and the thought of doing this for another year is daunting at times. Maybe I'll get lucky and they will go under and force the issue on my retirement. Who knows, anyway it a day to day affair.
Had a great run today after work, technique and form had improved and getting back to where it use to be, legs are stronger and I don't struggle so much.
Not much tonight, tired and ready for bed.
I getting use to going out with less on, the stares use to bother me to the point of tears, some times it still bothers me but I don't care as much. I imagine in a while I won't even think about looking like and being a slut, it will just be everyday life.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Birthday weekend is over, the day was a bit of a letdown. Felt melancholy and even a little depressed this afternoon. Almost entered into the poor me realm, almost, I hate that place. SO im sitting at home and decide to watch a movie on the computer, veetle, its a free movie site. I started watching this movie about how two brothers deal with their father dying, it was a comedy, but had it's deep moments. Dont know why but I was cheered up by this movie. Weird. Ahhh, hate post celebrations blues, life is so full of struggles, daily grind, the everyday little things that make up the hum drum of one's life. We fabricate these self imposed important personal dates, they become so important and we elevate these events to a level that is insane. They come and are gone in a flash of a moment leaving one drained, empty and disappointed, sweltering in the humidity of a hot summer's day, left again to face the mundane and uneventful torment of day to day living.
But when one breaks it all down, life is made up of singular moments, strung together they form hours, days, weeks, a life time. The largest oceans are made up of but singular drops of water. I guess it's a good thing it's a dry heat.
Submissively,
Marnie
PS, as a wise sage just reminded me, tomorrow is another chance to be fabulous, so stay groovy and keep on keeping on. |
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Tired day today. Slept late, went for a run, went for a walk wearing only a sundress and a thong. My nipples have grown and seemed to be well received. Had a great birthday weekend. But alas, tomorrows another workday. |
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Training continues. I continue resisting but comply anyway. I often find myself obeying without thinking, without questioning, but not always, some days I'm annoyed, pissy and in a bitchy mood. I still get bent about the seemingly constant obsession with sexual attributes of the training, my mind goes here and there with thoughts, bemoaning the one tract mind of men and sex. However as I'm doing what is commanded sexual act included, I am so totally engrossed into the act and lust in doing it, many times doing it just for the pure sexual pleasure. I begin to feel comfortable with being in public in a revealing outfits, ones that draws attention, ones that shows what I have, I said beginning to, I still have a vanilla modest streak in me, but master is training that out. I find that I am beginning to embrace and reveal joyfully the inner slut waiting to blossom.
Also, a balance between foolishly submissive in a general way to everything and everyone and directed submissiveness has been growing, cultivating a healthier sense of self and the strength joy and pleasure of submitting. Master has been patient at times and quick to punish at other times as needed. All and all it's progressing in positive direction.
Submissively,
Marnie
Post Scrip, When I wrote about revealing outlets, I was referring to mid thigh high skirts and dresses and shear sundresses that reveals everything underneath and I was told not to wear anything underneath and go for walks. Also wear vaginal ("pussy") and anal plugs constantly and pumping my nipples to three times the size they normally are. All of which I am starting to embrace. |
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Weds October 8 2014
Today was an ok day. I was thinking about giving power over to others. It seems to happen everywhere, not just in the kink scene, and most of the time one doesn't even realize. Agreeing with someone to avoid a confrontation, or to be nice, or because it's your boss or whatever. I decided I am focusing on this and working to only give power to the ones I want to give it to, the rest do not have permission. Its a habit developed over many years and I imagine it will take time to perfect but every journey begins with a single step.
On a brighter note, had a mani and pedi today, the place I go to does arm, hand, leg and foot massage included. Yummy,
Submissive but not doormat.
Marnie |
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Today wasn't the best day Ive had lately. I work for idiots that think they know what they are doing but don't have a clue as to how to do what needs to be done. Not that I know it all and don't make mistakes but I have been doing what I'm doing for a long time.
I am close to the dream of retiring and as every dream the closer you get to living that dream the more it seems to stay out of reach, like a desert mirage. I will keep going and try to adjust my thinking.
Left my keys at work tonight because I wasn't being in the present and had t jimmy open a window on my apartment. Fortunately I have a wonderful neighbor and he sent his son through the window for me, sweet.
Well enough complaining, tomorrows another day and another chance to be fabulous.
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Sunday October 5 2014
I want to write something mean today. I am disappointed in the men I have met and talked to who call themselves doms. Men cheating on there wifes, men that have woman issues so degrade woman, shame them. treat them with contempt, men with anger issues, when all they want is fetish sex, to wack off and get sexual thirlls thru having woman do whatever they are told, everything sexual, plug this, plug that, walk around town with nothing on, let men make lewd comments and others stare at you when you walk by, a slut shouldn't care about such things, a slut should be happy that she is being degraded and an object of sexual ridicule, a slut should be proud that her master is proud, even tho master is some hundreds miles away and not walking next to said slut.
Did you know that Geoffrey Chaucer
used the word sluttish (c. 1386) to describe a slovenly man, one of the earlist uses of the word.
Did you know that The word bimbo derives itself from the Italian
bimbo,[2]
derived from bambino, a masculine-gender
term that means "(male) baby" or "young (male) child" (bimbo's feminine equivalent is bimba). Use of this term began in the United States
as early as 1919, and was a slang word used to describe an unintelligent[3]
or brutish[4]
man.
I am trying to give myself soul and body to submission, to obey and please my master, to serve must mean more than this.
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Sat October 4th 2014
Not much today, went shopping, feel asleep watching a movie. Not very exciting. |
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Friday, October 03 2014
Maybe a breakthrough today. In my usual way, I may have been and will continue to over think my desire to be submissive.
I am not broken or damaged. I have a fairly strong concept of self, I am confident in my abilities and who I am, feel good about many of my life choices in the recent years and am happier than I have ever been. SO why this obsession for submission. I just like to. I enjoy submitting myself to another. Plane and simply, nothing more, nothing less.
Submission provides a growth path for me both inner and physically. I think that should be enough, don't you.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday October 2 2014
Working without a net and on my own is interesting. Like I said before seems like submission is more than saying yes.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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I am my masters training and I strive to do without being told.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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This week is a week I have to make decisions without direction. I hope I am making the right decisions, completing tasks and meeting obligations I have been taught in submitting.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Monday September 29 2014
So submission is more than just saying yes, who knew.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday September 28 2014 supplemental entry
I was tasked with walking on the beach in my bikini. Umppp, nothing new, been doing that for years but today I was instructed to pump up my nipples with the nipple pump, which I did and situate the nipples in a way they where viable, walk down the beach and observe of woman's nipples. Really don't see the lesson. Most other women who show off their bodies in such a way are teenagers or under 30ish, older woman (such as I am) can look sexy and hot yet not look ridiculous trying to be 30 again. Many older women look very hot and don't revel all to the world.
Anyways I carried out the task and halfway thru the walk the top rubbing against my swollen nipples was to much, I put on a translucent sundress (thigh high) and took off the bikini underneath. I felt much better and more natural, I didnt do it to show off or be slutty, just did it to feel comfortable. A few looks but nothing glaring.
It's hard for woman with a history such as I have had to draw attention to themselves. We spend years blending in, become masters of being invisable, and even tho that is not so much necessary now, old practices do not disappear overnight or with one walk on the beach.
From a woman's point of view, I find tasks like this to satisfy a fetish or recreate a pron movie where the star is super hot 30 year old. I know its for showing off my body, but I do it because I obey not because I learn some truth about womanhood. |
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Had a hard day yesterday, some of what I was instructed to do cause day long physical pain, I will have to use better judgement in these cases in the future.
So a little further into submission training I beginning not to like all the little demands, they seem so unimportant until I don't do them, then it's corner time. My routines I take for granted and do automatically are now dependent on the will and permission of another.
Many of the tasks I dont see the lesson in, just seems like a way to maintain constant contact, and that's most likely the lesson but it's annoying at this point.
Resistance is futile |
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Friday September 26 2014
I'm feeling sick today, may have overdone it last night.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Thursday September 25 2014
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MASTER
Really got nothing to write about today, been an exhausting two days at work and my attention has not been focused on what I should be doing. Tomorrow'a Friday, yayyy
Submissively,
Marnie
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Weds September 24 2014
Not much happened today, training continues, waiting on vaginal plug, taking forever to get here, getting use to the anal plug and most times don't know it's there, still a bit chafed now and than.
The passion for submission changed somehow, can't verbalize yet, but the uncontrollable fire has diminished and a steadier flame is taking it's place. I can feel a change from just physical to physical and a way of life, a beginning of understanding the power of submission. Although I have not bt any means achieve any of this by far as of yet, I sense a change in me, I begin to understand servitude in a way I never thought of before, that I'm not so much giving as I am receiving. I start to have joy in doing the things I'm told to do, I was even gitty for my punishment yesterday. It's strange for one who has always shrived to be in control and at the same time knowing that I controlled nothing. I don't understand yet, but as an old mentor years ago told me on another journey, "fake it till you make it". So with your permission I will fake it till I make it, indeed.
Yours Submissively,
Marnie |
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Tuesday September 23 2014
Didn't write in my journal yesterday as I was suppose to.
Today was a blah day, work was hectic, and I was wishing of places far away. I am not good at doing things I should be doing sometimes.
I am still lost in the start, the last so many years have I been occupied with the obsession of congruence between mind and body, it was life itself, everything, required all my attention, energy, money and time. Than one day it was done. I found that I was no longer outside looking in on life but wow I could actually play, experience the wonder of discovery and variety that abounds in living. Who knew.
The start, ah yes, how to begin, where to begin. I fonder over details, worry over direction and obsess over content. I get confused, ecstatic, bored and scared.
The road goes ever on from your doorstep where's it begins and where it will lead is hard to see, I just trust I will like what I sea when I get there.
A very wish Dom told me "Your submission frees you from the chains of the daily humdrum of life and lifts you into the haven of His attentions." I like that and THAT is what I desire.
As always, submissively,
Marnie |
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Sunday, September 21, 2014
Slept in till 10 am, unusual for me, guess I needed it.
Started my bay walks again the other day, this morning's walk found clear blue skies with a slight breeze from the WNW but not enough to dispel the sun from being warm on my face and shoulders. To the bay bridge and back is approximately two miles with the path going along the bay park and beach areas. This morning the tide was low and the protected marsh area ware exposed. Watch a small hawk of some sort chase a smaller bird around and other birds fluttering about here and there as I walked along that part of the path. The bay park itself was relatively empty which is unusual. there was a birthday party going on with a Beauty and the Beast jumpy, and a few picnickers here and there but not much. The parking lot was full however due to something going on in the park across the bridge but I couldn't tell what it was. Walked 3/4 of the way, jogged the rest and ran the bridge steps five times.
During this time I reflected on what submission means to me and why it burns in my sole and is constantly on my mind and why it's so important to me. The thought today was that thru submission I can leave the past where it belongs, in the past. I view the act of submission partially as just that, submission to another, putting others needs and desires before your own and deriving pleasure and enjoyment from that act. Creating worth and value through serving rather than receiving and in doing so gain one's freedom from the id. I think that maybe the lingering mental blocks, fears and resistance from the past are holding me from moving forward into a wonderful new awareness of self, the completeness of a rebirth I have undertaken and find unfinished. The past has been all about the physical, the present has to be all about the mental. Not sure that makes any sense, and I am certain my perspective will change as I progress deeper down the rabbit hole but that's where it is today.
Submissively,
Marnie |
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Nothing exciting today, walk on the bay, cleaning and doing laundry. Web cam stopped working, bummer there. |
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All glory comes from daring to begin. ~ Eugene F. Ware
In my earlier Journal entries I wrote about having a Master to train me, teach me and guild me in the ways of being a submissive.
Master has begun showing me what I desire, what I long for and what I am afraid to become, he has caressed from me through understanding and patience, my true desire to be submissive without reserve and my willingness to obey in all things. I resisted and Master persisted, I feared the change and Master showed me how strong I can become, I showed cowardice and Master stood me upright, teaching me how to be confident in myself, in who I am and what I can become, I doubted, Master showed me that my doubts were unfounded. This why I say Master is my heart, soul and spirit.
I am a sexual being with a great sexual appetite but was unsatisfied and did not know why. My passion and physical longing were un-directed and random, I was searching and frantic for a physical satisfaction, one that could be achieved again and again, one that will not leave me feeling hollow, empty and used as so many times before I have felt. I am my Master's slut, his whore, but Master does not make me feel cheap, unworthy, less than or a useless object only worthy of sex. Master is teaching to work with my sexual feeling physically, how to focus and concentrate to maximize the experience, how to enjoy different aspects of sexual release, explore and embrace myself sexually. This is why Master is my mind, my body.
My Master has embraced me, accepted me and works to improve me, taking to the place I want to be and beyond what I imagine I can be, this is why I love my Master.
I have received many positive responses and appreciate them greatly. I have received a unsolicited criticism for my actions and what I write in this journal. This person claimed to be a dom, someone who states in his profile to be able to do the things my Master is doing, yet he marginalized me, made me doubt, made me feel ashamed, made me feel weak, alone and unworthy etc etc though his words. He was cruel and everything my Master is not. I have been on this site for many years, and with a few exceptions from some wonderful gentleman, I have only been approached with basically " hey cheap ass whore, how bout I come over and fuck you tonight". No one has offered to train me, to take me in, to treat me like my Master has done. My Master has instructed me to present and act in a positive and appropriate manner at all times as it reflects on me and him and his teaching, and I am trying to do as instructed. But, forgive me Master, to those that take exception to my post and want to ridicule me, "FUCK OFF", don't read them and/or keep your comments to yourself.
Submissively,
Marnie
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Thursday, September 18, 2014
I am Master's slut, all my senses are tingling and my mind cannot hold any thoughts for long except to please my Master. |
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September 17, 2014
I have met a Master and he is instructing me in the ways of a total submissive, I am his slut, Master is my heart, my sole, my body, my mind, my spirit, my love. I obey Master in all things and strive to be everything that Master desires and wants in and from me. I present myself properly at all times as I reflect Masters teachings. My Master, My Love. |
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