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All it can be now is just a fantasy. Way too dangerous to fuck with. This lifestyle took me down hard. Twice. Practically consumed me.
I only have myself to blame, since I'm pretty strong-headed and manipulative, and once I'm in, I don't stop until I'm in a bottomless hole. During my first bdsm relationship, with an older man, I didn't even know what was it called, but I suspended my life and devoted my every waking moment to him. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me, getting hot at being ordered around and having to ask for sex. The second relationship was much more devastating, because he was essentally a skilled and devious pimp. And I was a woman posessed. My friends had to literally 'break me out', guns and shit. After that, there was no question, I was done with Doms.
Fast forward 20 years of vanilla relationships, home, carier, travel. Now my son is on his own, and lately I begin to allow myself glimpses of my forbidden memories. They never cease to both thrill and repell me. Last night I spent almost an entire night composing my introductory story and reading this forum. I had a blast! And that is all I need here, I do not want RT. I have couple of friends that I'm hinting to about the joys of 'sexual mind fuck', but that's just talk. The idea of me exchanging bodily fluids with anyone is downright distastefull. I have no intention of taking my clothes off for anyone either. My body is not what it used to be, but I still have a very strong sense of aesthetics.
Please, do not think that I'm here to recapture something, that the right person may fix me, or that there is anything to even fix. I am single and comfortable with my present life, enjoy my family, friends and various other interests. So for now, let me just be a voyeur here.. . Check this out: almost 20 years ago I was active on a bdsm forum when the internet access was about $3 an hour. Now here is something that got cheaper! Back then, I had a good run of $600/month bills!
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One more reason for the disapearing subs; and this one it true. This is the scenario: online chat is going great, phone calls are hot, it's time to meet in person. Elaborate plans are made, the expectations are sky high, she's humming with anticipation, finally you take that first look into each other's eyes, and in that moment she knows that you are not 'the one'. But she is a sub. She has made promises, she loathes to make you feel bad, to disappoint, so she plays. She does get turned on, after all, she is a sub, but you are not the one. So, soon after, she disapears. This scenario is repeated couple of times, until she learns to disappear before the RL meeting.
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Poeple ask me what I want. It's not easy to list, because what I want largely depends on who I'm with. But, just like everyone else, I guess, I want to look into someones eyes and know I would do anything for him. Might not happen, I know, until then I'm satified with reading and titillating myself, cerebrally.
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In my limited experience, (and I'm told they were aberrations) a Dom/sub relationship is one between a cold, emotionally distant and controlling man and a woman hellbent on bringing what she thinks is joy and happiness into his world. The "I'm a very sick man" line, mentioned in one of my earliest journals, is a sample of a bait, set in hope of not only luring, but daring a woman to go outside of what she considers acceptable in a normal relationship. If she believes that a miracle is occuring, and he is actually opening up to her, she will step right in. Of course, the initial chemistry between them has to be there. Women with true submissive streak will will go much further into the dark side and sacrify more of themselves to make their men happy. They will take smaller rewards. But sexual tension has to be well mantained by the Dom to fill her "emotional" world.
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I am pleasantly surprised that some men find my journal helpful. I don't need much encouragement in giving advice even if I don'r know what i'm talking about (one of my greatest faults), so for them, here is one about The Picture. This is something I know about. If you don't have a picture you want to post, here is a suggestion. Try this: at night, turn off all the lights and put one lit lamp on the side of your head, close, shining in your ear. Take the lamp shade off, make sure the lightbulb is at your heads level. Don't look into the light - only one side of your face is supposed to be lit. Then disable the flash on your camera (or use a cell phone) and take 3 shots of your face: one from slightly above, one from slightly below and one straight on. Straight on usually come out best, but you'll pick the best one later. If you're balding and don't want to be, wear a hat: cowboy, baseball, whatever your thing is. Lot of women are partial to the Indiana Jones type of hat. Actually, hat is good on any guy - adds to the mystery. If you don't want to be readily recognized, pull the rim on the hat low. If you are overweight, wear a black shirt (no undershirt), bring the camera closer to your face. Black shirt or leather is good for anyone here, but if you have the pecks, show them off. Make sure you're not in front of your wife's nick-knacks on the refrigerator, although if you did it right and are at least couple of feet away from anything at your back, the background should be dark. If you have any photoshop skills, make the picture dark. Blurry is ok. Now, all these devious ploys are not meant to lead a sub on, they are simply providing the girl's imagination something to trip on, giving you time to ensnarl her with your Domdom, which, after all, is really what she's looking for here.
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I'm going to attempt to explain the phenomenon of a disappearing subs. My take on it, anyway.
There are two basic reasons that a sub all of the sudden vanishes or doesn't want to talk to you anymore (assuming, of course, that she was a sub, and looking to start with): either you stopped turning her on or she thinks she is not good enough for you. In the first case, analyze what you said and did. Go back to your profile. Strict Dom looking for a sub to train, with your picture on the bike, or next to your truck, might not do it. Bikes and trucks are very Dom, but women know where they can pick up guys like that. Biker bars and truck stops are full of them. You have to write something that distinguishes you from the pack. Intelligence and imagination are of most importance here. Also, appearing too eager is not very Dom-like and a complete turn off. Hold back a little.
In the second case, you could be the sub's wet dream, but a lot of women here are not models, believe it or not. They can dream of the scenes like those on the kink.com, possibly with you in them, but when it comes to actually unveiling themselves, they don't think they'll measure up. You'd have to be a master of psychological persuasion, building her up and at the same time enticing her with the dark side, to get her to 'come out'. Very hard, or in many cases (like mine), damn near impossible to do. Don't loose heart, tho. She's out there.
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Service slave? You mean I can get somebody to come and spit-shine my house clean and all I have to do is put my bitch on? What else would I have to do?
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I deleted the entry about being freaked by a "Christian" Dom. About keeping God out of the Dark Side. Maybe he was trying too hard to appear trustworthy.
But another thing creeps me out: middle aged couples looking for a live-in slaves. Advertizing large property somewhere in the bible belt and a build in dungeon... Sheet, don't we hear about stuff like on the TV news every once in a while?
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No, I am not putting up, or sending a picture. The idea of getting 'outed' makes my blood run cold. If you prefer to think that I'm a man or weigh 200lbs, go right ahead.
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Some of the best Dom profiles I see are the ones where the guy goes back in time and tries to figure out how did it all started, what makes him this way. Women, especially subs, are suckers for it.
"I can make it better" syndrome.
" No, baby, you can't. I'm a very sick man.. "
"How do you know, maybe I got what you need." and there we go... Little mystery, little danger, will make you irresistible to a subs' nurturing nature.
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