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LordSpooner

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To those that still find themselves mired in their own search for what they seek - some advice: - Be true to others, but make it an ironclad rule that you be true to yourself. Anything less than that invites imperfect situations into your life that will ultimately lead you down a Path of regret. Being honest with yourself targets the really difficult question of: "is this situation the one I want, honestly?" We tend to give into our dreams a bit too much and offer ourselves freely to others when we normally shouldn't. - Expect to fail, then get back up. Giving yourself permission to fall down eases some of the anxiety of failing. Failure is part of the human condition and no matter how perfect we think it can get for us ... we can still fail even if we anticipate every single problem that may arise. - Your Path isn't the only Path. One truism is the notion that there isn't one true Path with anything in life. Just because it's worked out for you - doesn't mean it's going to workout for others. Drop the insane self-absorbed: "I know what I'm talking about - you need to follow my advice" routine. If you have others that are trying to tell you that they are more slave-like than you, smile and be confident in knowing that your service to your Master or Mistress is what matters more than a self-anointed perspective of someone else. It's not worth the hassle to try and be a slave or master through someone else's eyes. Refer to advice #1 up above. - It's okay to be a horny net geek. If that's your thing - there are plenty of HNG's on both sides of the equation to keep you occupied. Embrace it - and let others know that this is what you're into. If you're reality based and looking for the long investment - someone who isn't interested in your bra size is a reasonably good clue that you have someone in your midst who is not a HNG. There is no shame for being who you are - as long as you are doing it honestly. - If you're going to choose poly, do it for the right reasons. We have all heard and read about the bad poly experiences out there, but if you're going to take that leap into poly - then take the time to really examine from as many different points of perspective as you can. Going on this Path three years ago - and I still feel like I'm learning. Being poly isn't necessarily about having the wicked three-way ... but if that's your brand then make absolutely certain you clearly define it as such for everyone involved. There's feelings and emotions on the line and it doesn't do anyone any good if it's ill-defined or if not everyone is on the same page. - If you self-identify as being a Master, Dom or other top-related apparatus ... then act like it. Drop the "I am master, hear me roar" routine and take the responsibility for your dynamic. Being a dominant or a master doesn't give you the license to being a jack-ass. At least be genuine on that point when you're going to be having a slave in your service. At least have the audacity to being truthful and take the responsibility for the things that happen in it. YOU, Sir, Ma'am, Master, Mistress - are the end-all, be-all. And if you aren't the end-all, be-all - then ask yourself what you're doing and why you're doing it. If you're commanding a slave to be invested in you - then at the most shallow part - return at least half of the investment back. Your ego can handle it and it doesn't diminish the light you seem to relish. Make damn sure those in service to you are compatible in ways beyond the lifestyle. You're taking responsibility for someone's mental and emotional elements too ... so - respect that fact. - Be open like a sponge and keep thy mind open. The absolute amazing thing in the lifestyle is that we're all different coming in. We all stand to gain something from the insights of others and to maybe adopt a thing or two. The more close-minded we become, the more rigid we are. I hate to burst your bubble but it doesn't matter what your resume is, how long you've been in the lifestyle or how many awards you've received. The parts that matter are the parts that continually look for ways to improve ourselves in every aspect we can. That's how we can honor those who have succeeded in this lifestyle before us and how we can give back to the community by reaching out in groups and forums to those that are discovering all of this for the first time. I know it's a lot and a mouthful ... but the reality of the world should always remain with us at all times. We forget the important parts of our lives because sometimes we seek out places like CollarMe to be some sort of refuge from the chores, the kids, the bills, the job ... and that's okay. I think CollarMe and other sites are great for that ... but there should be an honesty protocol followed as well. Be on the same page as those that have an active, real and genuine interest. If you're on here to play - then play, have fun - but not at the expense of leading someone on like some game of leap frog. Some folks on here are invested in finding something real ... at least have the character to be real in return - even if your Paths are in alignment with theirs. Be true to yourself and to them. Good luck!
6/8/2015 8:05:53 AM

What the cuck?

Wait, what?

Don’t you mean fuck? (no … cuck … as in cuckelry … no not cutlery ….)


“Okay, what’s cucking then?”


These are just my thoughts on the subject and not anywhere close to being the end all be all on the subject. It’s merely an entry to get my thoughts out of my head where I can look at it.


Cucking has been around since the dawn of man. By definition, cucking is the act of “cheating, adultery and other forms of promiscuity.” Except cucking isn’t exactly cheating … but it is … but it’s not. Even with all the trademarks of being adultery, it’s consensual adultery. Except it’s not really consensual – but it is.


Confused yet?


Cucking is a complicated consensual dynamic. Cucking is having a separate relationship with another person without say, consideration or input from the cuck. That relationship can be as broad and deep or as narrow and shallow as defined by the other participants. Cucking can be humiliating. Cucking can involve emotional sadomasochism.


Examining the participants may make a bit more sense:


There’s the cuck. Traditionally, we hear about cuck being a male as a cuckhold. He gets to watch his wife have sex with another man, he is maybe not allowed to orgasm, and is otherwise chaste. He doesn’t get to participate and is shamed for watching. Wife gets to demean the poor cuck for not participating in the festivities and the other man (i.e. the bull) gets to have sex while demoralizing the cuck who doesn’t get anything.


So it is about fucking.


It can be. But it could also be as benign as the wife spending time on a date, having a great time (privately) with another man while the cuck knows about it back home. The degrees of cucking can range from the one-time fling to having an established relationship with the other man (or woman.)

So why blog about it? Why bring it up?


danae and I have been spending a lot of time talking over the last few weeks. During one of our drives back home after traveling, we started discussing our sex lives and fantasies and viola’ enter the world of cuck. danae expressed her desire to have a cuckquean relationship dynamic. In her emotional masochistic mind, it excites her knowing that I’m involved with another woman and she doesn’t get a say in it.


Aside from having that whiplash “what the hell did you say” moment, it also tapped into my emotional sadism dark thoughts. After having spent a great deal of time thinking through the various aspects of cucking, it’s a new unchartered course that has already created some interesting dynamic changes for danae and I. (and I haven’t even approached anyone for even considering a cuck relationship with yet.)


So you’re cheating on her?!


That’s how it looks, and that’s how cucking works. Cuckqueans and cuckholds offer their blessing, permission or desire for their significant other to pursue relations with someone else for purposes of cucking. danae finds it very exciting, humiliating and otherwise emotionally masochistic to know I will be out with other women. In her mind and other cucks, the perceived “cheating” is actually the fetish.


The biggest difference is that everyone is KNOWING going into the dynamic. Things are communicated out in the open and known. Nothing hidden.


But won’t you harm danae in the process?!


No, it won’t as this is what danae desires. It’s similar to having a V-style poly dynamic with the added spice of knowing danae is enjoying my relationship with someone else.


Will it be just sexual?!


Cucking situations can be just for sex or they can be sustained relationships that work independently from the primary dynamic. What would I personally want? I typically don’t do casual. I need connectivity and to do so – requires that I have some sort of relationship with someone. I’m not sure what that completely looks like right now because I’m still trying to digest the whole cucking world. But right now, I can’t see it just being a fling – it has to be longer than that, deeper than that.


That won’t be fair to the other woman though

That’s possibly true. The landscape has to be very much exposed and in the open for the other woman to make a rational choice of whether or not she’s even interested in such a dynamic. I’m very much aware of what this does for the other woman and would want her needs and wants met for the duration of the relationship just like how it would be if I was single and dating.


Would she need to be a slave?


She would need to be an s-type to some degree (at least to me). At this point I’m not sure a slave surrender would be ideal in cucking – but I’m still processing that out.


What happened to your poly triad dynamic dream?


That dynamic has been put away for now. It doesn’t mean that danae and I won’t revisit it at some point, but right now we’re not seeking a poly triad family. We haven’t thrown the poly triad concept out – but it’s something we’re not pursuing.


Will the other woman need to be intimate with danae?

No. The cuck dynamic can be set up to have no involvement with danae – or can be modified to include danae in only specific instances.


Does danae get a say in who you select to have a relationship with?


No, she doesn’t.


Do you feel bad about that? All of this seems very wrong.


I don’t feel bad about it because it’s a relationship dynamic change. The M/s and way we’re approaching poly has also changed. As a result, yes – I fully admit that the outside appearances may look very wrong, but it has been done on a consensual basis.


So this isn’t a permanent situation?

It can be. It’s up to the other woman if she chose to have a long-term relationship dynamic with me. danae still gets no say in it and has agreed to that.


What if I’m married and have a complex relationship with my husband, but I want to pursue a cuck relationship with you as the other woman?


It’s impossible for me to know if a complex married relationship would or wouldn’t work in the cuck relationship that we’re going into. At this point I’m not saying anyone’s existing or non-existing situation would work or not work. It requires chemistry and talking things through to know exactly where things come out.


…


So there you have it. The skinny on things to come as we venture forward on this upcoming Path. Questions and comments are always welcome as it helps me better rationalize all the various aspects I may not have considered.
5/17/2013 11:42:00 AM

Definitions, labels and other toxic dangers .....

 

It's inevitable.

We need to talk.  We need to be able to express the things that are going on internally.  We need a basis by which if I say something - you'll understand it in the context I want you to.

Except...

Not everything fully translates.  Not everything correctly makes sense.  Which is why industries and other areas create their own definitions that help explain what it is that they're describing.  I don't need to know what a plexor is - but the medical profession uses those little hammers when testing reflexes and responses.  Nor do I need to know that a reductant is electron donor in an oxidation-reduction (redox) reaction in some sort of scientific endeavor.

They've created their own dictionaries to help better describe what it is that they're doing.  But to make such wide sweeping changes to describe a hammer or some kind of electron donor ... the field has to accept the plexor and reductant as what they are.  Someone, somewhere - along the line had to go: "Nope, this is NOT a hammer" ... and bequeathed as a plexor instead.

The lifestyle - still spends a lot of its time trying to describe things using the same vanilla dictionary that has been widely accepted since the days of the caveman ... you know - when Webster was still around ... :P

But hopefully you can begin to see the emerging point that - our labels and definitions are rooted in the wrong field ... and that's why I consider it to be a toxic danger.  It becomes dangerous because if we're not talking in the same vernacular, if we're not on the same level of understanding - then the potential of things going awry dramatically increase.  Misunderstandings, assumptions of being on the same page become an unfortunate result of simply not hashing out the details - which include: "are we talking about the same thing here?"

How do we fix this?

We suspend our knowledge of labels and open up lines of communication ... you know - talking.  Through discussions we learn what our definition of sadomasochism is ... or what does it mean to be a slave or a Master or an Owner, a predator, or to be abused.

Simply relying on our labels and definitions aren't enough ... so ... talk.  Discuss.  Debate.  Listen.  Learn.  Apply and most importantly - spread it around.  

Intelligent discussions are sexy as hell!  Go forth and mentally orgasm!
5/6/2013 6:44:46 AM

It's okay if you're not ....

 

A post over on FL brought things back to the forefront again on the issue of the negative connotation of "slavery" in the lifestyle.  The argument being is that slavery is about abuse with no consent, no rights, no choices, no privileges.

Fact is - she's partly right...

But there's a fundamental core of choice that I see most lifestylists subscribe by.  With the fundamental core of choice - comes consent.  Sometimes the choice is a singular one: "Do I really want to do this?" - but it's still a choice.  You can still walk out before making the choice.  No one is threatening you to make the choice.  You can enter into it freely, on your own, under no duress or other promises ... and it still becomes a Path of consent that they can decide if they ultimately want to go down.

We forget though what non-consent slavery looks like: someone who was kidnapped against their will, offered no chance to escape, probably didn't have much of a choice and therefore not much of a consent given.  They may have been threatened, coerced, or blackmailed.  While there maybe a few that think that's the way they want it ... I don't think that's the majority of folks that self-identify as M/s.

So what about the no rights, no choices, no privileges part?  That's inherent to what we do in the lifestyle.  Whether you're submitting control or surrendering it - control is at the foundation of what our dynamics are about.  If you're wanting rights, choices and privileges then you have to make that crystal clear from the onset before you make the choice to be with someone.

...

Just because the OP found something that doesn't jive with them - doesn't make it any less or more to others in the 'verse.  Embrace the differences we have - respect them - and move along.  I'm not saying she needs to agree with it and if there's something you absolutely despise in the lifestyle - then you're entitled to your opinion.  But if truly rubs you the wrong way - because I think differently, then that's just how life is.

We're both right ... because we're entitled to think and believe as we choose to. 
4/30/2013 12:24:58 PM

Oh!  ... the drama & musical .....

 

Okay.

Yes, I realize that drama is inevitable and yes, I realize that the more folks you interact with - the greater the chances that drama will occur ...

but please ... for the love of God ... if you insist on continuing to stew your melodrama into something whimsical - then at least have the audacity to turn it into a musical.  Something catchy - but maybe not as morose and depressing as Les Mis... I can help with the musical score and we'll find help with the choreography ...

Seriously folks - if we're to be witness to your little online drama - then please bear witness to how you're going to be perceived by others.  There are better ways to handle conflict - and public forums are totally not the first choice here.  In fact, posting in a public forum - whatever drama you're enduring stunts your social growth.

Little piece of advice: if you have a personality conflict - then please do the humane thing for the rest of us: Take it behind the scenes and address it directly with those involved.

We're not in high school, we aren't shoving people in lockers or hazing them to sing the school fight song or taping anyone to the flag pole.  Seriously - if your maturity level hasn't increased at least one platform level over high school - then you may need to re-evaluate conducting yourself in an adult forum ....

Never mind the extremely poor reflection you're doing to your Owners and other d-types - but that's an entirely different issue and it's THEIR job to address, not Mine.  Want your property to be one of those screaming kids in the department store - then - please - by all means - continue ...
4/24/2013 8:13:34 AM

All you need is love ....

 

I may not always understand why things happen in the universe, but I've always believed that when you have your soulmate - you hold onto what you have and don't let go.

 

danae and I remind ourselves that our home - is wherever I am and she is ... together.

So when we hear of our friends going through some incredibly topsy turvy times ... I feel sad for them.  If their love isn't as sync'd as ours - then I get that.  It took many relationships before I came across danae and could believe that no matter what life threw at us - we could ... no ... we WOULD endure.  It's not perfect, but then nothing in life is.

 

We've seen a lot of things.  A lot of stress.  A lot of strain.  A lot of pain, tears and times when we are thinking at our darkest.

 

...but we never lost faith.

...in ourselves.

...in each other.

...in the Path we're on.

...and we're destined to face whatever is bound to come up down the road.


We may fight, we may say things we regret, but in the end - we're still together - because that's what we knew we were destined for.

 

It may not be for everyone.

 

...but is loneliness really the only alternative?
3/27/2013 9:00:18 AM

KNOW THYSELF....

 

We talk about defining ourselves.

 

It's at our core, but we don't see it a lot of the time.

 

We spend a lot of time in life walking along the Path - it's the essence of who we are even though we lose sight of that or try to travel a road that was never meant to be traveled on in the first place.  When we're not true to ourselves, we stray off the Path and sometimes end up in places that we truly don't belong.  Other times we hit accidental luck - and emerge as though we planned it that way.

 

How do we know?  Where do we start?

 

It begins with soul-crushing honesty. 

 

It's that absolute - 100% - full speed ahead Scotty brutal honesty that begins with everything you're considering.  If it's casual - then it's casual.  If it's a relationship - then be honest about what that entails.  

 

Please notice that so far I haven't mentioned ONCE about checklist, the lifestyle or bdsm activities.  That's because we lose sight of things at the point that our kibbles and bits are involved - in so that we lose track of the bigger picture.  Cum stains and hard-ons are going to be temporary ... but if you're going to make a life long commitment to someone - then one ought to be sure of what that's going to look like in the larger scheme of things.

 

I'm not suggesting that it's unimportant to take such things into consideration, but at the core of yourself when you wake up each day and begin to face the trials of what life is going to throw at you ... it usually doesn't start with whether or not you're bound to the bed, if you're going to have an orgasm today or if you're going to lick My left boot before I leave the house.

 

Where it does start is: <i>what are you looking for and what does that look like?  Are you looking for a casual relationship or a deeper-than relationship?</i>  Again, it starts with the basic dynamic level foundation.  That chemistry alone can be a pretty big hurdle to cross.  If you're ultimately considering a relationship - you have to consider the goals you both have, what their politics is and the ever important <i>"you do watch football on Sundays, don't you?"</i>

 

Deeper-than relationships - typically mean it's the whole package you're going to get.

 

But if it's casual that you're seeking - football and politics may not matter that much.

 

...but the key to all of this is ... are you being soul-crushing honest with yourself that this is what you WANT?

 

If so - then great!  Seriously!  No - I mean it!  Put it in your profile - find someone that matches the same path that you're on - and go for it.  Everyone doesn't have to be trying to find that 24/7 situation if that's not what you're wanting.  Then when suitors come to woo you - sit down with them and work through all of the variables so that you can ensure they are on the same page as you are.

 

It sounds boring and not really exciting, but it's essential.  Someone who isn't willing to navigate the variables and line up what they want in the same brutally honest fashion you've arrived at.  It's about determining the chemistry - the goals - the honesty - the plan without obscuring the landscape with the over-sexual stuff.

 

What happens if you're wavering .... or if you really don't know what you want. <b><i>There's absolutely no crime in that.</i></b>  Just be honest with yourself about it - and continue that honesty who contacts you.

 

But if you find that you're continually asking yourself if you're being honest -- then it's possible and likely that you're starting to stray from that soul-wrenched honest point you started at.  As time goes, our lines begin to move.  We tend to be more agreeable and willing to bend accordingly to whoever we're trying to court or woo.  We don't want to be lonely and sometimes we act out in desperation - thus leading us to places where things may not pan out or don't turn out as we hope they might.

 

As our lines keep moving around we start settling for something less than what we would be honest to admit.  That's incredibly tough and yet - very common.

 

However - we're organic people.  We constantly change and thus wouldn't it be reasonable that our lines change as well?  Yes - valid point - except ... can you follow the line and honestly admit that your lines would've changed naturally instead of when you were in service to someone ... or they were in service to you?  Was this the Path you were destined to be on - or are you simply following someone?

 

....now that kind of soul-wrenching honesty may take awhile to digest....
9/4/2010 8:45:27 PM
Considering Circumstances One of the things that both danae and I agreed upon when we set out on this poly path was that we had a pretty well rounded idea of what we wanted. It was molded and crafted after several discussions to the point where it was pretty well locked in. The prerequisites were not easy. Non-smokers, real-time, single, non-attached, able to handle being in a polyfidelitious relationship in a loving, sadomasochistic, dark-minded M/s dynamic. That?s still what we ultimately seek. In our search, I?ve come across some good people who didn?t exactly fit the mold we were looking for, but someone who I thought could possibly serve in the capacity they were able to. Maybe they had kids, were married, were otherwise in a situation where relocation was not possible (or desired), or the chemistry was prohibitive for reasons beyond the parameters danae and I laid out. Their situations were not unlike our own in a way. Seeking something somewhat unattainable and getting frustrated in the process. A submissive I once I talked with didn?t plant a seed, but somehow festered the following the thought avenue to emerge: ?Why not consider circumstances for what they are and live with them to the extent we can?? In another words: why not be open to situations that may not be perfect while in the midst of searching for the one we?re looking for? More on that in a moment? I then started to think about all of the single mothers, broken marriages and other less than perfect situations that are out there. I could see both dominants and submissives living their lives vicariously online because their realities simply can?t handle it. How they are reminded of their impossible situation each time they look in the mirror. How their situation scares away so many who have no outlet, no real way to live the lifestyle they crave because their reality keeps them stymied until the kids graduate or until the marriage runs its course. Maybe it?s the ?fixer? in Me. Maybe it?s the part of Me that wants to help others and give something to someone who doesn?t have what danae and I have. I know it?s not about settling. I know it?s not about giving into a situation that is less than what danae and I seek. But over the last year I have entertained situations that don?t fit what we ultimately seek. Yes, the reality is that nothing is 100% perfect and I realize that. I also realize that there are some things I cannot move on. For example, even though I can?t move My limit on kids - doesn?t mean that I haven?t stopped from considering such a situation. It would mean that this submissive can only serve Me so far. I?m okay with that as long as everyone knows how the situation is and how far it could possibly go. Can it get sticky later on? Of course it can. We?re organic in nature, we?re always changing and situations evolve from one moment to the next. Change is bound to happen regardless if we?re involved with someone or not. Are the assumed risks involved in some of these situations too much? Are the possible entanglements and risks of delving too deep - too much in considering situations such as these? Yes, this might mean that the situation falls apart down the road with feelings hurt and crushed in the process ? but they call that life. If we lived in little bubbles with protective head gear, safety belts and air bags???. (wait - scratch that?) ?the point being is that every situation is going to carry risks. Even if the alignment is perfect and all things are hitting on all points ? there are risks that it won?t last or the chemistry just breaks down. Then of course, there?s the concern of what happens to the dynamic if (and when) we find someone who will be able to fit into that long-term r/t position. What happens to the other dynamics that were established? But the flip side of that situation is equally fair. If the submissive/slave happens to find someone that better suits their situation then they should have the same flexibility to switch as well. For example, a slave who has kids who finds a single Master that wants to own her and embrace her family dynamic. That would mean substantial changes to the dynamic I would have with her and with us. Those are the risks and if it?s accepted as such with the parameters, honesty, communication and respect - then: why not? When we break it down, we are all ultimately a series of complex situations coupled with vast experiences and unique perspectives. Just because the situations may be less than perfect does not mean the passion is any less. It doesn?t mean the fire isn?t diminished or otherwise extinguished for the next 18 years before the kids graduate. Life is more forgiving than that and it would be foolish to pass up opportunities that at least allow us the opportunity to have fun, to explore and otherwise live what we wouldn?t have done if our doors and windows were shut and locked waiting for the perfect one to knock on our door like it happens in the movies. I realize this blog post may set a new tone for My views on poly. Maybe I have grown a bit in My poly-maturity. Maybe I have seen the possible rewards of investing in those that don?t have anyone due to their circumstances, who still want and need things that are ignored because of their situation. These submissives and slaves are still very passionate about what they have to offer - even if their realities are hobbled or heavily conditioned with confines and provisions. Many may have passed them by - but I?m re-thinking My process a bit to take another look or two before deciding if the situation can be workable. Something to think about?
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theladyandrea
 
MistressKitKat1
 Age: 50
 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania