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This may seem like an odd request coming from a 28 year old but I need an older woman to meet with me once a week to act as a Webelo Den Mother. I have a uniform and you should have that yellow blouse that indicates your rank as well. When we meet we will engage in all kinds of activities including but not limited to:
Making clay ashtrays and firing them up in the oven, then you tell me it looks like shit and throw it against the wall
Making crappy leather belts in your garage with your name on it backward so that when I tie myself up to the bed using various knots you can smack my ass with it and everyone will know who the best den mother is.
Riding through a slalom course of plastic cones and using arm signals to indicate where I will turn only to have you berate me and put training wheels on my bike
Attach model rocket engines to my pine wood derby car (that never wins) and fire it into the neighbors yard starting a small ground fire, you spank me and tell the everyone I ate paint chips
Take me out in the woods where I am a friggin' mess. I will catch the poison oak and get lost by myself, all you have to do is kick back in the car and listen to the Flashdance soundtrack and then act like you never knew I was missing when Ranger Rick brings me back with crap in my pants.
Make me wear my uniform to Starbuck's where all my old classmates will see me and make fun of me like they used to when I wore it to school and then act as the getaway driver when I throw scortching hot coffee in their laps.
Anything else you need done, cleaning, laundry, yard work - I can easily be duped into believing it is part of my community service merit badge which always seemed to take a backseat to Tron and Missle Command.
I: Am in good shape and am good looking to compensate for my lack of self esteem and Boy Scout status, former CEO of a dot.com (who isn't?), and very gentle and sweet. Always, always, prepared.
You: Should be a MILF or at least skilled in belittling and dominatrix style behavior, good looks a positive but not necessary. Also, if you have your own uniform that's a bonus. Outdoor and craft skills are a positive but are not necessary. It is not in the Webelo way to smoke or drink alcohol (Eagle Scouts have all the fun) but 420 is OK, I think they even have a badge for it.
To Rosie in the 4th grade, I'm sorry I bit you on the shoulder but my older brother told me I had to eat a Brownie to be a Boy Scout.
And if Cubmaster Charles is out there reading this, please note I asked for a den mother not father - I'm not falling for your snake in the sleeping bag trick again.
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