I am not 'woke', I think most Christians aren't, and likewise a lot of BDSM people who believe in a hierarchy system (HOH for example), but nevertheless, I think this should be a safe space. I should be able to express my beliefs, opinions, feelings freely. This is my journal after all, very clearly it is how I feel, and only me, about whatever I feel like talking about. If you disagree, you have your own journal, write in that. And yet I am being inundated with messages from men because they disagree. And generally these messages are spiteful, rude and let's face it, grammatically incorrect. I am being TROLLED, ladies and gentlemen, by people who don't know the difference between their, there and they're. How very disappointing. 

It is quite bewildering to me, how many doms take my journal entries personally. I get messages all the time saying I shouldn't say that, or believe this, or think that or reject the other, from complete strangers who I have no  previous correspondence with, and I don't fully understand that. There are hundreds of other women you could contact, who you may well be compatible with, why are you messaging me just to tell me you find my journal obj ectionable in some way? My beliefs and opinions are exactly that, and a complete stranger telling me I'm wrong is not going to change them in any way. 
Oh, and the men who so magnanimously tell me that will 'allow' me to continue my faith, yeah thanks for that. That would be the one thing I won't ask permission for. 

If you are divorced, please do not contact me. As a Born Again Christian, I cannot have a relationship with you, and as that sign in some shops says, 'refusal often causes offence'. I don't want to a rgue about it, this is my belief, and I think the Bible is very clear on the subject. 

Anyone else watch the Royal Windsor Horse Show (aka something that happens every year but is somehow this year a star studded jubilee event)? Anyone else wonder how the United Kingdom is somehow, according to the producer, made up of Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales and that's it? I mean seriously, they couldn't find a few people to jingle some bells while hitting sticks and belting out 'Jerusalem'? I wonder if the Queen is with it enough to realise that she does reign in England too. Yesterday's show wouldn't have given her a clue - we can feature people from Oman and Azerbijan, but not one morris dancer or English singer to be seen. 

If you're only contacting me to tell me to show you my naked breasts, don't bother. 

I get an enormous number of messages from doms saying how rare it is to find a Christian on here, how happy they are that I'm a Christian etc. and when I read their profile, it says nothing about their faith at all, not even as an interest. 

Now I'm not saying you have to declare it if you don't want to, but if you're hiding it, how mny others are also? Perhaps the Christians on this site might mention it, and we'd see we're not as rare as you think. Be brave and we may be able to be more equally yoked. 

Merry Christmas!

Are Christianity and BDSM Incompatible?


Well I think the short answer would have to be I think not, or I wouldnt, as a Born Again Christian, be here. But it's a question I get asked a lot on here and other sites, from other Christians who aren't sure, from the curious, and the argumentative, so I thought I would address it permanently.

I think the Bible is pretty clear that wives are to defer to their husbands -

'Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall have authority over you', 

'wives, submit to your husbands'

It is also clear that married couples may do as they wish, as long as its just between the two 'the marriage bed is undefiled',

So the question really should be, can unmarried Christians be into BDSM? Well I think it would be difficult to go from an unmarried independent woman to a married sub, so I dont see a difficulty with a woman being submissive to the man she is considering marriage with. Personally I dont have sex with every man I am involved with, as I think sex is special, but I am naturally submissive, so I have certainly submitted to more men than Ive had sex with. It works for me.

But ultimately if you really are unsure, and a Christian, you should listen to what you think God is saying to you If youre not at peace with your decision, then it may be the wrong decision for you

So why am i still here?

Honestly i didn't think i would be. I've met people here, but life is complicated by the fact that i live with my mother (it's London, give us a break!). But i went to uni - miles away (clear across the country) and i thought that, i had a room of my own, a double bed, no one to explain things to, i could finally spend some real time getting to know a dom. And for some reason no one wanted to get to know me. A dom i'd known for literally years and who lived in the place i went to uni at, disappeared for five months and came back with a girlfriend, he wouldn't even meet for coffee as friends (and as a mature student boy did i need friends), another guy who said he'd love to have a holiday there, just didn't make it, one guy who agreed to come and see me started demanding that i go to see him instead, another guy ghosted me a few weeks before we were due to meet...yada, yada, yada. Now i don't believe i rushed any of these guys,  i was there for three years after all, so i guess they never had any intention of meeting in the first place.

So that's why i'm still here. But i can't say i'm still looking

Wow, I missed my journal so much, and it's finally back! I did use the FL site to do some writings but what I liked about the journal was/is it's much more like a little note, whatever springs to mind (if you don't believe me, go and read some of my past musings!) FL felt like a big production - look I have something to say. 

Welcome Back little journal!

11/24/2008 1:57:50 PM Delete Edit

I want to thank all who have offered sympathy, condolences and yes, chocolate, at the loss of my Master. while i miss him every day, i am beginning to come out of the fog now.
i must apologise if you sent a condolence message and received no reply. i was quite simply overwhelmed by them, i received over 200. it was lovely but it was also not something i could deal with at the time. So here is one public thank you and i hope you will accept that.

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11/16/2008 6:39:33 AM Delete Edit

Ok, as i currently say in my profile, i have no idea what i'm looking for. i do however have some idea what i'm not looking for. the position i'm in at the moment, i think it would have to be a one master - one slave relationship. i'm feeling pretty lost and insecure and watching a master with another slave, or worse with a mistress who he loves would quite probably destroy me right now. so if you're part of a couple, please don't contact me. thank you.

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11/12/2008 2:34:56 AM Delete Edit

Can all those people telling me what my late master would have wanted please stop?! First of all I know what he would have wanted better than someone who never met him, secondly I'm pretty darn sure that he wouldn't have wanted me hopping into bed with the next guy who came along, when he's only been gone a week and thirdly he loved me more than I do, and that's what he would have wanted for me, a man who could love me as much as he did.

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11/8/2008 12:50:37 AM Delete Edit

Thank you to those who have offered their condolences at the loss of my master. It wasn't unexpected, he had cancer, but it has been harder than I thought it would be, quite simply I miss him so very much.

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My Last Profile

If you are young enough to be my son, or old enough to be my father, I don't think it would work, sorry.  NOT A MASOCHIST (it says that in my journal but apparently some people don't get that far). NOT INTERESTED IF YOU ARE MARRIED.

I get asked a lot about why my s/n is 'worthless', please see below.

 When my Master died of a brain tumour seven years ago now I felt worthless. A slave without a Master, I was 37, and I had nothing. My master had died nine months before our wedding, he was American and so I had no home, and I had dedicated the last three years of my life to caring for him, being with him, loving him, so I had no job. I had to fly back and forth to America because the American embassy, in its wisdom, refused to give me a visa, and so I didn't even have any money. I spent a considerable amount of time, in those weeks and months after my master died, wondering if my life was over too.

 I discovered that you can't die just because you want to, and a combination of my faith and my family I began to find interest in my life again.

 When I joined this site I still felt very much like I belonged to my Master, but he was dead. It was a confusing, painful time for me. And as a slave without a master, I still felt worthless. But I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. And so I'm still looking for the right one.

You know I'm getting a lot of messages saying how sad my story is. And it IS sad, but only partly. Because the love we shared, was more special than some people ever find. And I'm sure a lot of people think that, but we knew each other in the way some couples never do. And that's why I haven't yet settled. Because when you have that once, it's hard not to want it again.

2/3/2009 12:48:09 AM Delete Edit

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!!!
yes, so many people told me when it was after i mentioned it in my journal (thanks to all the nice people) that i just had to celebrate it! not sure how though, do groundhogs taste good?

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12/31/2008 3:26:49 AM Delete Edit

Am I expecting too much do you think? I like to read profiles from people who send me mail, that tell me something more than 'looking for a sub female' I mean i already assumed that, you sent me a message after all.
And also messages from men who have the word sadist in their profiles who then complain when I bring it up in my message. If your profile says you're a sadist i'm probably going to tackle that, as i'm not a masochist. don't get offended - it just means i actually bothered to read your profile. i know most people on here don't seem to (which is probaly why i get so many messages from sadists in the first place) but i like to know at least something about the man who is mailing me.

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12/29/2008 3:50:31 AM Delete Edit

For those of you strange people who send me messages just to tell me that you don't believe my master died, well don't bother. i have no interest in it. i have no need to prove myself, and i don't care what you believe in your deranged little minds.

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12/29/2008 2:51:02 AM Delete Edit

MY MASTER DIED A MONTH AGO.

A friend told me i need to change my profile after the emotional turmoil my loss has caused in me. And i never argue with a dom so here goes:-

Right now i have no idea what i'm looking for, except that i know i want something that starts slowly and builds, and i want it to be a long term thing involving much humiliation and chocolate. PLEASE READ MY JOURNAL FOR MORE THOUGHTS.

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11/30/2008 5:00:24 AM Delete Edit

May I just say, I know it's hard to write to people on here (although the way some people send the same message over and over again they have obviously found a unique way to get over that hurdle), but please don't send a message just saying hello. One word messages don't tell me anything about you, and as I've said in previous entries, I get so many messages that if they're not interesting, I'm sorry but they won't get a reply. I'm sorry if that sounds unfair or arrogant but I can't spend my life answering every single message I get. While we're on the subject, messages that are spelled correctly (I don't expect everyone to know how to spell every word in the dictionary, but the difference between 'your' and 'you're' would be a good start) are a great advert for their writer.

3/21/2009 2:56:17 AM Delete Edit

You know I don't understand what some doms have against filling in their profiles, or telling the truth when they do. I've heard all the excuses- I like to talk without any preconceptions etc., but why should you be the only one to know anything about the person you're talking to? I think long and hard about my profile, and try to change it when I change, because it reflects me - as does my journal. This is how I think, how I see things, how I AM. If you don't like my journal, or my profile I would hope you wouldn't waste our time, because you're probably not going to like me. It bewilders me when you ask a dom say, about sadism, because his profile says he's a sadist, and he says well I didn't mean it. Then why tick the box? It makes no sense to me to lie for the sake of lying. But then I'm not a man. I guess that's what it is

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3/10/2009 5:50:46 PM Delete Edit

Wow, well I really touched a nerve there didn't i? i have received more messages about hating men than anything other than my master dying. mainly men wanting to be excluded, or wanting to add women to the 'hateful' group, but also people agreeing with me, or querying my state of mind. i have to say i wasn't expecting to cause such a storm. of course i didn't get a response from any of the men who made me feel that way in the first place, but that's ok, they're just worthless in a different way to me

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3/5/2009 2:12:35 PM Delete Edit

i hate men. all of you. you're horrible and you hurt people. and i'm tired of hurting.

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2/10/2009 5:07:59 PM Delete Edit

It baffles me that some people on here say things in their profiles like 'if you read this message me - it's only polite'. What utter rubbish. Surely one reads a profile to see if there's something complementary in that person, how much time would you waste - 'hi I just read your profile and you're all wrong for me'. I hope it suffices to say, if I did read your full profile and I don't contact you probably I feel we're incompatible, ok?

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2/5/2009 12:42:33 PM Delete Edit

This was my last profile - updated 5/2/09.

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I AM NOT A MASOCHIST - DO I NEED TO REPEAT THAT?!

I am probably not going to be meeting anyone in person for some time, I have seriously considered the matter but my Master/fiance died just three months ago and I KNOW i'm not ready yet. i tried to be ready, i wanted to be ready, but darn it i'm not ready. if i like you enough to want to meet you, meeting you now is only going to ruin it for me anyway. if you like me enough to want to meet me, i hope that you'd be prepared to give me the time i need.
When I am ready, i don't want to be completely worthless perhaps my ID should be Almost Worthless Bitch. But you know, it doesn't have quite the same ring to it. But I like to feel inferior to my master, and i like to be humiliated by him.

5/2/2009 10:41:26 PM Delete Edit

It's six months today since i lost my master, and sometimes i wonder what the hell am i doing? do you ever get over something like that? i want so much to belong to someone again, but i don't know if i could bear to ever go through something like that again. i'm not making very good choices, maybe i shouldn't even be here. i don't know anymore.

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4/16/2009 5:34:45 PM Delete Edit

Well apparently my depression has been 'measured' and it's mild to moderate so instead of having me take antidepressants my GP wants me to try St John's Wort (nothing to do with cutting costs of course - having me buy my own treatment from boots). I'll let you know if it works.

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3/29/2009 9:30:00 PM Delete Edit

To continue with the 'friends' outrage, i received yet another friends invitation from a stranger today (obviously someone who wasn't interested enough to be my friend that he bothered to read my journal) and when i checked out his profile (as you do) he had well over 200 women listed as friends. actually i got bored and stopped counting at 225. Now seriously, how many of those do we actually believe he's exchanged words with, let alone could be classified as a friend to. Why? i don't get it, i really don't. is it an ego thing? see how sexy i am, i have friends? do they think it's impressive? i just think it shows a serious indecisiveness. I have the grand total of three friends. And they are, i am privileged to say, my friends.

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3/29/2009 1:50:36 AM Delete Edit

A sort of PS to my last post, i do actually like having friends, and if you want to be my friend then great. please come chat to me. while i do still believe in general men are mean i have made a few good friends on here. all men strangely enough :-)

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3/25/2009 6:37:35 PM Delete Edit

What's the deal with the 'friends' thing? i get complete strangers sending me 'friends' invitations. How does that work? Doesn't there have to umm be a friendship there? I know nothing about these people, why do they want to put my name on a list? And moreover, once i'm on their list (i accepted a couple when i was new and naive and actually thought they wanted to be my friend) i never hear from them again! who's idea of friendship is that for crying out loud? So please, if you want to invite me to be your friend, please be a friend first. Thank you.

6/30/2010 7:04:56 PM Delete Edit

I want to thank everyone who has replied to my last entry. I DO know that not all the men here are despicable, just the ones who contact me! (that's a joke, sheesh).
But I have received lots of messages from earnest men who want me to know that there are both plenty of real men, and equally, fake women here. So, why don't we all agree that there are lots of fakes of both sexes out there, and maybe just a few less real people, and please if you're one of the former, don't contact me.

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5/10/2010 11:02:30 PM Delete Edit

Why on earth do i bother? i have been reliably informed by some men on here ("and so are they all, all honourable men") that the women on this site are generally liars and wannabes. But we can't possibly be worse than the men. They take offence at the merest hint of censure (i asked a man if he could inform me the next time he decided to log off from a chat, rather than leave me hanging - how dare i disparage him in such a way?! And yet if it sounds bad, maybe that's because it is bad. If i was accusing him, by asking this, of bad manners, maybe it was because it is ill mannered to walk away in the middle of a conversation, even if the conversation is online. In fact, maybe it's worse online, because I can't see you go),
I've had one man cancel two meetings and then emigrate to avoid the third and final chance (I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted that he went to such lengths),
and I had one man tell me he wanted a serious relationship, just like i do - only not with me. Me, i would be just a fling.
Am i missing something? Is it me, or the men on here? They all start off so well, and then within a matter of weeks (5 days for the last one) they turn bad. Are any sane men out there?

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11/26/2009 11:28:40 AM Delete Edit

To all my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving. Sadly we don't get any four day holidays, but we do get an extra day at Christmas :-) Here's to the class system that gave us Boxing Day!

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10/2/2009 12:54:59 PM Delete Edit

Wow, it's been quite a while since I wrote, and i don't even have the excuse that i'm frantically busy. just for those of you who know i was entering the marathon i didn't get a place this time. maybe 2011 eh?

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And i hate this new keyboard which doesn't pick up half the letters i type. bloody annoying

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5/26/2009 11:04:01 PM Delete Edit

Well i guess i spoke too soon (see journal entry on 29th March). I had three friends - then there was one. i still have three friends on my profile i know (for those of you getting a tad confused), but i somehow managed to lose two in between times - i should have had five. and no doubt oscar wilde would berate me for carelessness (losing one is misfortune and all that) i don't even know how i lost them. perhaps i'm just a very boring friend, who the hell knows? but anyway, i lost two, found two, kept one i guess i'm breaking even :-)

6/16/2011 3:31:41 PM Delete Edit

The leg is out of the cast now, thank you all for asking. which is good because it means i can run quicker from all the fakes on here (although if you all gathered together you could cover all of london, might make it harder to get away (although you'd be easier to spot too i guess)).

i believe i've mentioned this before in my journal, once or twice, but for those of you who don't get past the first page i must reiterate - please don't send me a friend request unless we are actually friends. i'm getting several a day now and it's just silly. this is not a numbers game people, you don't get a prize for the most friends. and the oddest thing is those people who ask to be your friend and then never speak to you again. why? why do you do that o strange men? (OK, yes i know, i'm going to get a lot of men telling me women do it just as much, but not to me they don't, and this journal is written in the first person singular after all). unless you really do believe there's a prize at the end of it, there's actually not a lot of point of asking for the sake of asking. unless it's to write one of those "i dated 100 men in 100 days" kind of books. "i befriended 1000 slaves and subs on collar me and all of them asked me why didn't i have better things to do with my time" seriously - that's what we're thinking.

Also i am grateful to all the people (both men and women surprisingly) who have sent me compliments on my two greatest assets. and boy do you have a lot of euphemisms for them. but just one point (yes yes get all the bad puns out of the way here) those of you who have seen fit to send messages with two words "big tits". i already know that ok? that's a given. marvellous, fabulous, wonderful - all nice compliments to receive, thank you. big, huge, massive - tell me something i don't know.

and the last thing for today - i know i use parantheses entirely too much, i'm trying to kick the habit. (ok?)

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4/26/2011 2:17:16 PM Delete Edit

Just recently i've had three doms offer to pay me for going on cam. what is that? is it a control thing? i pay you, you do what i want? it's really strange because i'm pretty sure my profile doesn't say anywhere that i'm a hooker.

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4/19/2011 7:52:06 AM Delete Edit

Broke my leg. extremely fed up. can't be onlinbe too much as i have to keep my leg elevated but there you go, if you're planning on sending me a message factor in that i'm not going to be here much to read or reply for the next 6 (fuck SIX) weeks at least

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4/16/2011 9:05:39 AM Delete Edit

Well darn it, i'm 40. i don't want to be 40, i don't feel 40 and i am reliably informed (and by people other than my mother) that i don't look 40. and yes i know that age is just a number and yada, yada, yada, but 40 is different. it's strange. and i am SO not where i am supposed to be by now. now not all of that is my fault, but it still makes me wonder, what did i do wrong? other people are married with kids and they live very happy lives. now as i said, it's not all my fault, my fiancé, the man who i was spending my whole life with, died. but the other stuff...why don't i know how to drive yet? why didn't i go to university if that was what i really wanted to do? and so i've decided...if life really does begin at 40, this is the year i'm going to begin again. wish me luck!

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12/21/2010 7:11:55 PM Delete Edit

Merry Christmas! I love Christmas - and the prospect of a man sneaking into my bedroom at night! But sheesh, couldn't he be younger and fitter? Although he does have a very interesting looking belt... {#}

10/19/2012 12:54:10 AM Delete Edit

If you're a dom (and I'm guessing most readers of my journal are) can I ask you, do you have a photo on your profile? And if you do, did you take it in your bathroom?

If the answer to both those questions is yes - can I just point out that most of us don't need to know what your toilet looks like :-) It's not a big thing, but still, I would rather meet you before I check out your loo. Just a personal foible there. I mean come on, at least put the seat down!

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8/9/2012 11:10:02 PM Delete Edit

I'm not in a good place right now. 

And for those of you who ask if I am owned, the answer right now is no. I have been 'disowned', and i won't even pretend to know why. Not that i had a collar or anything tangible, but i have been dropped like a hot potato (i wonder why hot potatoes are bad things, but hot cakes are good). 

Sometime just getting up feels like an achievement. I am beginning to wonder why i bother. 

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 OK, as you may have noticed, I do sometimes suffer from depression. I'm feeling better now, I'm not a potato after all. Maybe. I shall keep you apprised of my potato impressions.

PS Extra special thanks to the man who explained hot potato was slang for a live hand grenade which is why it's bad. Isn't it amazing what you learn when you ask?

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6/28/2012 10:36:58 PM Delete Edit

Wow, someone's stolen one of my photos and trying to pass it off as theirs. I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered. Pretty pathetic though, not liking your own udders enough that you have to pretend someone else's are yours. And you know, at some point you're more than likely going to have to take your clothes off. (Unless you're never going to meet anyone, which might be best for all concerned).

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I requested the removal of my photo and it has been removed, so problem solved :-)

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4/19/2012 2:32:40 PM Delete Edit

What's with all the photos of doms on motorbikes? Is it supposed to be some sort of subliminal thing? Do they think it looks rebellious? Is it because they can't afford a car? What is it?!

3/2/2014 12:51:24 AM Delete Edit

This is coming up more and more as a problem so I will address it here.

I am a Born Again Christian. Which isn't the problem, it's the best thing in my life.

There seem to be quite a number of doms who see that as a challenge. It's not a challenge, it's a statement of fact. I'm not going to change, and I'm not going to put you above my God, so please stop asking. If I feel that what you are asking me will lead me into disobeying my Lord, I will not do it. I CANNOT do it.

If you can't deal with that, that God is more important than anything else in the world to me then please don't contact me. Thank you.

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2/11/2013 12:34:49 PM Delete Edit

“Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.”

—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832); philosopher, scientist, author

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1/18/2013 10:28:31 AM Delete Edit

Isn't it amazing? I was grumbling about the snow all morning, given the day off and I'm really happy suddenly! Smile

Of course I'm thinking of all the doctors, nurses, etc. who have to go no matter what...I think I'll go and have a nap..

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12/15/2012 3:55:40 PM Delete Edit

If i get one more 'talk to me bitch' message i think i might scream, and not in a good way. Usually expressed by men who have no profile, what in that message do you think is going to spark my interest?

So here's my Help section for those who need it -

Have a profile. I know you all think the world revolves around you and women will just fall at your feet, but it helps to know the basics about you, what you're looking for, for example. And we get so many emails, that your profile is what might differentiate you.

If your profile says you're a submissive i'm not going to be interested. i don't know why that's not getting through to some of you out there, but i really don't have a dominant personality because i have big tits. i don't even understand why you think there might be a correlation, but you do seem to, and there isn't.

Be consistent. If you say you're a sadist, i'm not going to be interested. Don't then say you're not a sadist, because i'm not going to believe you, and you're really not going to be happy with me. And i won't change my mind later on either. I've felt pain, it doesn't do anything for me, and you're not going to be the one man who could change my mind.

Be respectful. yes i am a sub, yes i like to be called names. no, not by complete strangers. i don't mean be overly crawly(African man - oh woman, i will love and adore your beauty; me - uh why?), just be polite and friendly.

Don't bother to just quote your profile in your email. If anyone is interested in you, they're going to read your profile anyway. Say something new, maybe, if you can be bothered, framed especially for them.

You probably already know one liners aren't good, but neither is reams of irrelevant 'padding'. One man on here has about 4 paragraphs of nonsense that he sends out every couple of weeks. none of it applies to me, but i get it anyway. It drives me NUTS.

Feel free to ignore this. I wrote it to try and help,and to entertain. Of course you can ignore it all, you're a dom (probably) and may well have all the answers. But if you're not getting the responses you think you're entitled to, you might want to give some of them a try.

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10/29/2012 4:22:35 PM Delete Edit

Can someone PLEASE explain why I'm getting dozens of messages from male subs? And, oddly, male subs who seem to think that because they've messaged me, and they're looking for a domme, i'm suddenly going to become one?!

I've tried being polite, I've tried ignoring them, but now I'm obviously just going to have to say it straight - I AM A SLAVE, i don't want to dominate anyone. Please leave me alone.

9/15/2015 11:14:08 PM Delete Edit

Someone has stolen my profile! It is word for word there, and I am really pissed off. It was my photos before, now my profile, have they nothing of their own to say? Some people leave their profiles blank, which is annoying, but stealing someone else's profile is so much worse, because you're lying. You've taken my life and portrayed it as your own. How pathetic are you? I contacted the person involved and asked her to remove my words , and I know the message has been read, but it is still up there.
If you see my profile anywhere else on this site, that person is not me. (uncutyawbitch101 is the one I know of)

I HAVE CONTACTED SUPPORT OVER THIS PROBLEM.

Update - Support's response? Change my profile. Isn't that fabulous? She stole my profile, and I have to change mine. Funnily enough she has changed her photo, I guess the person she stole that from could verify it is her picture. I can't verify words, so can't prove she stole them. Although just looking at dates should be enough, she's only been a member for a few days. I am most angry about this because of how personal my profile is. I am guessing this stupid 27 year old doesn't even know what's it's like to be in love, let alone to lose that love. I am trying hard to not tell her to be careful of what you wish for. She wanted my profile, does she understand what it says?

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6/19/2015 11:12:25 AM Delete Edit

Growing up, i was taught that women could do, and be, anything men could, and frequently better. i went to an all girls' school where we had to be striving to be equal or superior to men. And even then i knew i wasn't comfortable with that, but i couldn't put my finger on why.

When i was 16 i surprised both myself and my boyfriend when i asked him to dominate me. To be honest i didn't even know what i wanted him to do, the words came of their own volition. It was a short relationship, and i tried to put that desire, that need, out of my mind. And i couldn't. Of course i didn't know much, but i felt it driving me, i needed to express it, but i didn't know how, i didn't know anyone else had these same feelings. And if they didn't, how alone i would be for the rest of my life.

And then came the internet. The relief i felt was indescribable when i discovered hundreds of people like me. And i came to understand, with the help of some of these people, and articles and stories, just what i wanted and who i am. i learned just what it is i need. i need to feel inferior to the man who is my master, i need to know it is right to submit to him not just because it excites me but because he will make better decisions for me, he will be smarter than i am. It's hard to give in to that - i am dumb, i am inferior - but when that wall crumbles it feels so good to know i am not in control anymore. That all i need to do is be, and obey.

i am currently trying, with the guidance of a dominant, to accept that i should be submissive towards (as opposed to submit to) all men. As i have accepted my inferior status, i must accept that they are superior. It is a work in progress. i am trying.

However I am not a masochist, so if you are a sadist, or married, please don't message me. thank you

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5/4/2015 12:49:25 AM Delete Edit

I watched "The C Word" tonight and I knew what it was about, I even know how it ended, but it still threw me for a loop. It's been 6 years since my fiancé/master died of a brain tumour and yet it's still raw sometimes. Oh not the way it used to be, when I cried in Smiths, but there are times when my heart breaks a little. Watching the C Word was one of those times. Yes it was a worthy project, well written and Sheridan Smith was as excellent as she always is. But i wish i hadn't seen it.

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3/8/2015 9:53:13 PM Delete Edit

International Dumb Cunt Day

Well today is 'officially' International Women's Day. Now i would like to point out that i don't believe women should be raped with impunity, murdered for 'dishonouring' their family, forced to marry someone they've never met. I am also in the enviable position of living in a country where these things generally don't happen (rape of course happens - but we are as a rule taken seriously if we report it - unlike countries where women are imprisoned if they can't prove it was rape).

However, does this day stop any of these things happening? I would think not. Does this day mean anything to anyone (except perhaps Patricia Arquette who thinks she's hard done by)? Is there any point to this day?!

Rather i think we should have an international dumb cunt day. A day when those of us who believe and accept women are inferior to men should be allowed to celebrate that. when i should be able to kiss a man's feet openly, without more or less being accused of betraying all women. I KNOW not all women agree with me, but just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean I am wrong.

So, if you want to campaign to get actresses paid more money than they already get, I won't interfere. If I want to be overtly submissive, I'm going to ask you not to interfere. What do you think are my chances?

Happy International Dumb Cunt Day!

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1/31/2015 11:42:31 PM Delete Edit

OK, I think I'm going to have to address the blank profiles thing again.
You might think I'm just being picky, and it's fine that you approach someone 'blind' as it were. But it's not just "Oh I don't know the ins and outs of your entire life". It's more, I don't know if you're a sadist, I don't know if you're married, if you think it's perfectly acceptable to lock your slave in a cage while you go out to work...I don't know what you think or feel about anything, and while yes I could ask you all those questions (and the ones I haven't listed here) some doms aren't always completely truthful. If however your profile says "I am a married sadist who likes to keep my slaves in a cage" then I'll know before we start that we're not compatible.

12/27/2015 7:39:15 PM Delete Edit

Essential Information.

I have been chatting to a dominant on here for a couple of months now, and today he matter of factly emailed that he wouldn't have sex with his submissive. I commented that i don't think a sexless relationship would be right for me, and he's 'angry' that i'm just 'one of those bitches', who's ruining our relationship 'over sex'. Now excuse me, but I personally think that almost never having sex (he didn't say never I confess, but he made it clear it would be rarer than Christmas, and I wouldn't be expected to enjoy it) is a pretty important thing to mention when considering a new relationship. And I also think that (as I explained to him) a loving relationship should involve sex. I know there are a lot of doms here who feel love has nothing to do with a D/s relationship, and possibly some who feel that sex also doesn't have anything to do with it - but I want a relationship where the man is my master, and my lover in all senses of the word.

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12/24/2015 7:11:30 AM Delete Edit

Christmas Eve already?!
May I just wish everyone a wonderful Christmas, full of thoughtful presents, delicious food, and a little time reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas, as the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

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12/4/2015 11:15:10 PM Delete Edit

Well I've been told that it was nice to hear me happy about something (the tennis) because i am usually writing sad/depressing things. So I thought i would clarify this. I am generally a very happy person. i try to see the bright side of things.
When i write a message on my journal it's quite often because it's something i can't talk about somewhere else, or it's imporatant to me. When i'm hurting or angry it's natural for me to type it out - and I guess i'm quite often hurt or angry!
So i guess i will try to share my happy times a bit more, but i can't promise that i will share my sadness less. Sorry. Smile

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11/29/2015 3:57:40 PM Delete Edit

WooHoo! We just won the Davis Cup for the first time in 79 years!!!
Although whoever told Sue Barker she should talk incessantly during the presentation ceremony should be shot - along with the cameraman who though Kim Murray was more important than the members of the team who didn't share her surname. (in other words, as soon as Andy and Jamie got their medals they cut from the rest of the team receiving theirs to instead show Kim having a chat with the man next to her). I hate to break it to the BBC, but it wasn't the Murrays v. Belgium, it was GB.

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11/5/2015 5:50:04 PM Delete Edit

Monday was the seventh anniversary of my master's death. It was better this year than previous years, but I do wonder, does it ever go away? Is there ever going to be a year when I just don't remember? And would that be better or worse?
I know sometimes talking about him annoys people, but it's hard not to talk about someone you were engaged to, planning to marry, and who you spent nine years with. Probably even harder that he was my master, not 'just' a fiancé. He structured my life, he praised me, punished me, controlled me. He told me what to do, and often how to do it. I don't know how to switch that off.

8/6/2016 5:47:48 PM Delete Edit

Ooooh, the Olympics! I love the olympics. The whole thing of it. The pageantry, the winning, the underdogs, the getting along with everyone. Once every four years I want to be great at sports. The rest of the time i'm a couch potato :-)
But you know, there are some things i AM good at. I'm a great listener, i always try to believe the best of everyone (that's got me into trouble more than once), and i try to be loving in my daily life. In all i think i'm a pretty nice person, and i might not get a gold medal, but i have a peaceful heart.

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7/25/2016 10:45:33 PM Delete Edit

There are some seriously disturbed people on here. No, I have no daughters, and if I did I would tell them to run as far away from people like you as possible. If you are one of the people (sadly there has been more than one) who thinks that's an acceptable question, please just don't contact me. In fact don't contact anyone on here, go to the nearest mental hospital and tell them you have a serious problem.

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6/29/2016 7:24:17 PM Delete Edit

Just saw a profile. "I'm married, no she doesn't know, and I'm not planning on telling her. Other than that I'm very honest"! The mind boggles. Is it any wonder some people on here have given us all a bad name?

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1/14/2016 3:15:04 PM Delete Edit

First we lose David Bowie, and now Alan Rickman. Both to cancer, both 69, both devastating losses to their respective fields.
Personally i feel the loss of Rickman more, as i had the biggest crush on him, from 'Truly, madly, deeply' onwards. He was with his wife for 50 years, but they only married last year, I wonder if this was the reason. I hope she finds solace in their marriage.
I hope they both rest in peace.

12/27/2016 1:47:46 AM Delete Edit

So 2016 had one last (one hopes!) curveball to deliver. George Michael was one of my teenage crushes, and although I feel he wasted a lot of his talent, his amazing voice and songwriting ability cannot be denied. Who will ever be able to listen to 'never gonna dance again' in the future without tearing up?
RIP George.

PS. Well no. Today Carrie Fisher lost her fight for life. This has been a heartbreaking year - and a shocking one. These aren't old people dying - Richard Adams, author of Watership Down, who also died today, was 95, so you know, not a shock. But Carrie Fisher was 60, George Michael 53. Jerry Doyle (Babylon 5's Garibaldi, my favourite character) also 60. Even Bowie and Alan Rickman were 69. It's tragic. We use words like devastating and heartbreaking easily. But this has been a bad year.

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12/10/2016 5:19:27 PM Delete Edit

I got a nasty message recently, and i confess it upset me more than it probably should. it reads, in its entirety:

you must accept your loneliness.even in death your master still owns you.be a good slave and stay faithful.

And i think that's possibly the most hurtful thing you could say to me. i responded by saying i am not greyfriars bobby. but am i being faithless for wanting to love again? am i betraying my late master? i don't think he'd want me to be alone for the next 40 odd years, but what if i'm wrong? we didn't specifically discuss what i should do after his death.

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11/2/2016 7:20:34 PM Delete Edit

It's the 8th anniversary of my master's death. In a way, it DOES get easier. I'm not sitting here in tears, which I was the first couple of years. It's now, it's more a time of reflection. I am now the age he was, when he got sick. And I haven't made these years count. I thought I would, I thought I would do all the things we didn't get to do together. I was going to run a marathon, see the grand canyon, travel...
I guess life gets in the way. And while that's not really a bad thing, it would be a shame if I don't do everything I wanted to, just because I'll be doing it alone now.

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9/22/2016 12:18:08 PM Delete Edit

If you can't even sustain a conversation, I am going to assume you can't sustain a relationship. If you think talking to me once and then disappearing for months on end is a good way to start something, you are sadly misguided.
In other words, I am not sitting around waiting for you to come back. I don't care that you had to immediately fly to Outer Mongolia for work, your cat broke its leg, and your best friend broke up with his girlfriend/boyfriend. If you can't get to a computer within a week or two, or worse you don't even think about getting to a computer to let me know, then obviously i'm not important to you. and if i'm not important to you, don't bother me the next time you're horny and alone.

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9/5/2016 7:36:17 PM Delete Edit

Well the olympics are over for another four years. So proud of Great Britain, who came second! Sad that the mayor of london wouldn't allow a parade this time (he was scared of the expense), so instead they're going to manchester. i hope you guys appreciate it.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm off men right now. We're nice people you tell me, looking just like you. So here's a small selection of some of the men I've spoken to since my Master died :- 

There's the man who told me he'd call me 'within 24 hours'. I'm still waiting, 

Then there's the one who I was getting on really well with, until he decided to go vanilla, 

there's the man who started deleting my messages unread once he saw my photo, the one who blocked me once he saw my photo, and the one who was at least honest enough to tell me that I wasn't attractive enough for him, 

the guy who told me he was looking for 'the one', until he decided that actually he wasn't looking for anyone, 

the man who told me I had to meet him 'tomorrow or never',

and then there was the one. The one i really liked, who I could have got serious about. He was so much younger than me, I told him it wouldn't work, but I allowed myself to be convinced enough to try. Maybe it was just the challenge, I don't know now. And it was lovely - he was lovely. Until in the middle of a chat one day he just disappeared - poof! If i wasn't a Christian myself I would have thought he'd been raptured. Well that and the fact that I still see him online sometimes. He refuses to talk to me of course. Because it evidently doesn't matter to him that I'm still sitting here wondering. What did I do to deserve that?