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So I dont know where to start. I feel like i did everything right to a point then suddenly got thrown off a rocky cliff. I am a fragile personality. One who has nothing left, but has a ton of baggage and memories that defy most people's entire lives. The bad thing is all I want is happiness. i see everyone around me happy all the time with little to no negatives.
So its been 2 years now...No mandi and still have yet to successfully get past her. I dated this one girl someone who's personality was great, playful, interesting, and a family that loved me to boot. I thought i had it perfect. Low and behold the one thing I said was not a big deal ended up being my utter down fall. Out of al my girlfriends I have only felt ready to have sex with one maybe two of them. I think I've denied myself a life experience to many times now. people say why dont you just fuck and get it over with?...and I kind of see why but o well its to late for that. Ive been dumped 3 times by my current X and now its finally over. The first time i thought things were fine and she ended up ending it cause she didnt feel loved. Its amazing how you can put all this effort into spending time and balancing school, and they still dont understand. Later on she claimed it was just PMSing. It ridiculous how women can lie about anything without regret. i tried hard to make it work but she never got past that moment. broke it off again like 2 weeks later and I talked her back into it. In hindsight now I see all she did was build up a wall and pretend to be happy when she wasnt. its like being led on for al teh wrong reasons, but people never admit or understand that. you think you know people till suddenly you realize all the things you thought you knew were really just a mask made of lies. I left her to go to Rome for two weeks. It was amazing but I could never live there. not enough grass and to many people in one small place....I dont know....bla
Anyways I came back and this is where I pushed to hard and the walls came crumbing down. She wanted me to spend the night. As a boyfriend of course I couldnt say no. Most people imagine a playful night of fun romance and cuddling. My night ended up being hell. first was the teasing kisses on the bed and playful cuddling that drove me to want more. Then we stopped and played games at some food and sadly her friends seemed to bail on going swimming so we stayed in for the night. i had driven 5 hours to see her...What can I say I was excited. however by the end of the night I was stuck awake most of the night with a raging, boner, an oven of a jack russel sleeping at my feet and a girlfriend who had already made up her mind to end it once I was out of reach. What people dont realize is its almost impossible to take a step backwards in a relationship without a hiccup. I went from all the sexual play and cuddling I could ever want to None at all. For reasons that appeared out of the blue. the excuse of I always felt that way doesnt really count when they were the one starting the driving force...Could I deny myself pleasure and play in order to save my relationship...In my head yes, but in that moment I couldnt. Blame it on the whole phenomenon of being "reunited/alone as a couple" or just plain stupidity o well. I did wrong but so did she. So I will miss her for a long time.
with this newest loss, I now have no good close friends left. I lost the one remaining Waxahatchie friend because I chose the last girlfriend. do I regret it? Yes and No, but I still would have happily dated Megan...o well...My two only real remaining friends are hundreds of miles away busy with their own lives and who am i to deny them that and bother them with never ending stories of my depression?....Bla
So I turned to the up coming Anime convention A-Kon to make me happy, turn around my feelings meet new friends and have fun...Sadly it was an EPIC fail...I had fun all my friends were there but after 4 days of walking around dressing up and trying my best to throw myself out there I failed. I cant even make friends in a place where most people meet tons of new friends girlfriends and etc. then I eave and come back to Arlington the city of hell. Arch-i-torture classes filled with assholes who despise me, and no friends outside of that to brighten my day. i am alone with only my thoughts and it sucks. Its driving me insane, I rarely get to sleep, and even when I do I have teasing dreams of Girlfriends, and good friends who dont exist. People say I'm just freaking out, but I feel like i'm not. For 4 years not I've been stuck in this outrageous downward spiral and now I'm finally at the breaking point where I cant take anymore. Im at a loss of words...i have a lack of drive and hope. All is lost....who knows where I'll wind up now. I can truely say I understand why suicide is an option for so many people. |
