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| Firstly, I should be clear on this point:
I am NOT looking for any new subs or play partners.
Please don't ask me, as I shall simply bin any requests without answering. You have been politely warned :-)
If you do choose to contact me, be nice and don't demand things of me. I can respond well to interesting and friendly people but that is always my decision and my choice.
I am a Dominant woman, happily living in a 24/7 D/s marriage, and I have two other long term subs with whom I play as and when we can meet. My relationships are not poly, each one is separate and although the men know each other and get along, their relationships are with me first and foremost.
I have been actively doing bdsm for twenty years now, and my fascination is with female dominant/male submissive D/s relationships with men who present always as masculine and are highly focussed upon pleasing and obeying their Dominant. None of my subs have any fetishes which outweigh me in importance.
My three subs are all long term. My husband P and I have been in a D/s with now for fourteen years. I have known M since 2002 also. K has been mine for five years. To repeat, they are all I need or want.
I am especially fond of complete sexual control and denial, chastity devices, CP ( in all its forms) cock, ball and anal play and teasing, as well as nipple play, bondage, obedience and some forms of humiliation. This is what I like and what I do, and in truth, my interests are reasonably limited, and I do not experiment much anymore as after twenty years, I know exactly what floats my boat, and very importantly, what does not.
My D/s ethos is quite simple. I am the dominant, what I say goes, and my subs are dedicated to making my life easier and/or happier. They don't get served by me nor am I a fetish delivery machine. They serve me, please me, obey me and that is what they enjoy.
I don't tend to follow bdsm rules much, so I never dress up in fetish clothing, I don't have safe words ( beyond 'Please Stop'), I don't have contracts, rule books or lots of ritual and protocol. Those things are fine if you like them and they have a purpose, but if not, why do them?
My D/s relationships 'appear' low key to others but are, in fact, simply free of many well used features I have either seen or read about. I only do what works for me and mine and respect those who work these things out for themselves rather than just being sheep.
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One of the people who has been an influence in developing my D/s ethos is Ms Rika. She has written two books 'Uniquely Rika' and 'Uniquely Us' in which she introduced and then further developed her own version of how D/s relationships work best and why.
It often amazes me that some people are very hostile to her ideas for the simple reason she states unequivocally that a D/s should, in her view ( and mine) be Dom-centric. This means it is the dominant who sets the rules, the context and is in authority from a position of dominance. The sub seeks to serve and please and gets pleasure and satisfaction from that.
She is clear she is never a fetish delivery machine, offering 'treats' if she wants to but never obliged in any 'quid pro quo' way to do something simply because her sub has done something good.
I was thinking my way slowly but surely to this position by the mid-2000s so reading her first book was such a wonderful surprise, to discover a woman had developed a very similar ethos already.
I have always felt that for me I need subs for whom just being under my authority is the over-riding driving motivation, and any specific kinks and activities are secondary in importance to that. That doesn't mean I am stingy and never play kinky sexy games but when I do it is just because I want to.
I love my husband and am extremely fond of my other two boys, so I am happy to make them happy as long as my happiness is always at the front of their minds. They are unselfish and very giving, so I am relaxed, happy, pleased with them and willing to be unselfish too.
She also is clear that all D/s relationships also have a foundational layer, so you may be husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend or simply friends, but you will always have a core relationship as well as the D/s, so one can if one is clear-headed see which of our motivations and actions come from which part of the whole relationship.
So, my desire for my husband to obey is part of our D/s and his desire to be obedient comes from the D/s also. However, we both love each other and so some things spring from our romantic and sexual relationship. I want to have sex with him because of the sexual desire I have in our marriage, but the way I want it is something influenced by my dominance. I do sometimes do kinky sex things which he really enjoys , and I do it because I enjoy them AND I want him to be happy because I love him.
I like that Ms Rika and I see it the same kind of way, that all relationships share some similarities and that D/s relationships are not really very different to any other except the have dominance and submission in that mix.
I resist any idea that D/s relationships are better or more deep and meaningful than any other type. They feel that way to us who thrive in them for that very reason. However, to someone who wants egalitarian relationships, it would be very unsuitable and unsettling.
I think I am very down to earth and want my D/s relationships to feel like any close, loving and caring ones, and can be very high on authority yet low on ritual and protocol.
Enough for now, I will write more on these things later.
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Off I went, to this proto-munch in a pub in the city where I lived. It must have been 1996 by then.
I think I had high hopes that the place would be full of interesting, liberal minded, alternative people all with fascinating tales to tell. Well, the room was pretty full, that much is true :-)
I suppose the scales should have fallen from my eyes right away, as actually any grouping of humanity will have within its ranks, the good, the bad and the ugly.
One of the first people to speak to me was a seasoned dominant male who proceeded to 'mansplain' how I would need to dress up in rubber and leather in order to be taken seriously as a dominant. I regarded him cooly and replied politely that 'we would see'.
We did, as I have not willingly ever worn fetish clothing, although sometimes I did in order to comply with club dress code rules, which I hated each and every time I did it.
This man proceeded to patronise me and instruct me, even though I had not asked for help or advice. I knew from day one that I would be my own guide and the source of my own best advice. I took the view that bdsm relationships would still be relationships underneath and so would be entered into with that in mind.
Not everyone I met that first night was an idiot, but a few were. I was somewhat disappointed but heartened by a handful of genuinely decent, friendly nice people who immediately treated me like the intelligent adult I was, even if I was new to bdsm.
I was soon invited to parties, club events and local socials and playing with my first play partners. It was a fun time, and I learned a lot.
Mainly that I loved being dominant and wanted to follow this wherever it would take me.
Well, it wasn't all plain sailing for sure, as it ultimately, cost me my second marriage. I did find my third husband though, my sub P who is just the best thing that ever happened to me.
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Mmmmmm...why not keep a journal on here? Think I might...so much to write about after over twenty years doing bdsm on way or another.
That's right....twenty years, I did say that.
It was before I even had a computer which was connected to the internet. I was working in a job which whilst at managerial level did not stimulate or fill my time very well. I started spending time day-dreaming and this led on to indulging in erotic fantasies. I realised that my sexual desires tended to be pinned to anything which involved power, authority, dominance and submission.
I didn't even know at that point that there was an acronym BDSM or that many hundreds of thousands of people worldwide were equally fascinated by it.
In late 1995, I got an internet connection and boy, did I use it to research my sexual interests. It was the most wonderful discovery, that I was not alone and that there was even a local group in the city where I lived.
Even now, I can recall how nervous and yet thrilled I was to imagine going along to meet fellow kinky people.....more next time. |
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