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aidan
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BootCub
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Searching.. male or female.. sub or slave, must be able to relocate if not local. I am a BBW dominant female with other 20y of experience.
For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are. Machiavelli
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As a dominant, I am not fond of feeling helpless. Today, that is how I feel. My boy is undergoing a rite of passage--the loss of a parent... there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do that will make this easier. Alzheimer's is a hell of a disease. To make matters worse, hy hasn't seen hys dad in a few years. We're sending hym... and hoping it won't be too late to say goodbye. |
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Finally getting back on our feet. The new job is wonderful.. much better environment and great people. Just.... very slow business. Keep your fingers crossed. |
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So.. the economic slowdown hits us all. I lost my first position as my job was eliminated. Now I'm working as the head of a small clinic. Cross your fingers for me. With only 8mos of experience as a doctor, this is a tough one, Bugs. |
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Well, 10 days of torture (ie 7 job interviews) have come to a fruitful end. I have an offer... batten down the hatches, horde your water, and commence panic and mayhem (aka The Great Migration). Time to sell a house, buy a house, move a household, and start working in my new profession. |
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So I have a job interview, finally... a practice up in the Pittsburgh area of PA. Should be interesting. I need to get more aggressive with my resumes though if I want to get out of the south sometime this year. We need more space, badly. I want play space, and we need a computer room, and the boi needs a room to herself. It's driving us nuts, this limbo we are living in. |
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Some days it so hard to get going. My logical self prods me that now would be a great time to put my resume out there and start pounding the pavement for work. My emotions say that now is the perfect time to curl up in a dark room with a blanket over my head. Depression can be like that--and it's very very hard to dig out of. Sometimes I have to play the game of "pretend to be ok"--eventually I hope that I actually will. For right now, though... it's still a struggle to wake up every day.
I'm so glad my boi is here. Hy's about the only reason I get up in the morning some days. |
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My father died last week. I also graduated from veterinary medical school last week. Bittersweet.. bittersweet... I will always remember the date my degree was conferred as the day my father was buried. He never got to call me doctor.
Life really sucks sometimes.
The only comfort is that he was unstinting in telling me of his love, in showing his affection, and in letting me overhear him bragging about his 'daughter the doctor'. He was proud of me. He loved me.
Tell those you love that you love them. Don't hold back. Fix that strained relationship. One day it will be too late. Don't have regrets. |
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As of next week, I will be a doctor of veterinary medicine. I have to find a job to support my household. I need to move. My father is deathly ill. I need to find and purchase a new house in my new location. I have to sell the house I already have.
This is called stress.
The one thing that does not stress me is my family--I love my partner and my boi very much. I cannot imagine life without them. I know everything is going to be ok because we are together. Life throws curve balls. We field them as best we can. I have a team that helps me, supports me, loves me.
I am truly blessed.
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It's accepted that a sub must make him or herself vulnerable to the dominant. The strange thing is, when the connection, the relationship, runs so deep as to touch on the soul, on the essence of the individuals involved, the dominant also becomes vulnerable. Deep-seated desires, secrets, and trusts are voiced and accepted... from both sides. My boi amazes me constantly with hys ability to evolve and change, to open and explore. I am in awe... and very in love. |
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Poly families that have the intensity that mine does often seem to have problems. My partner and my boi are getting along well, but we still have our little misunderstandings. It seems like the deciding factor for us is that we have all decided that we want this to work... so minor misunderstandings don't become huge destructive fights. I love that about us. |
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It's wonderful to find new facets of myself to explore, parts of myself that I've hidden away for a long time. My boi is turning into an excellent teacher. Hy is amazingly adaptable... and I love that hy is relaxing enough to show hys smart-ass side. Hy challenges me constantly without threatening or overstepping, and I love it. Hy is a treasure, and I am amazed that no one else snatched hym up.
Beautiful boi... sexy little leather slut... We have so much to explore together. |
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My boi has arrived... and all I can say is, wow. Hy is amazing, beautiful, talented... I think I made a wonderful decision. I am SO glad I reconsidered a female sub. Wow... I am so very pleased to welcome jaycub to my home. |
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Today is the day. My boi arrives today. I'm bouncing. Hope I don't wear myself out before my partner brings my boi home to me. |
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It's been a month almost since I posted anything here.. my life moves on at breakneck speed. Still working ungodly amounts of time, and very much looking forward to my move. Out of the Bible belt.. back to the state I grew up in--Pennsylvania. We'll see what develops, once we're moved and resettled. Perhaps then.... always perhaps. |
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I've mentioned before that the D/s relationship has to be fulfilling for both the sub/slave and the dominant, or else it will never last. I think pretty extensively about my decisions, and try to analyze what I want from a slave. Only by knowing what I want, will I know when I find it. Hopefully the slave is doing the same. Hopefully you slaves out there think carefully about what you need and want from a dominant. It's the only way to find someone who fits with you.
You never know where a relationship is going either. Can never predict whether it will take off, or stall out. I talk with everyone on here, with hope.. The hope obviously isn't gone, or I wouldn't keep looking.
Life's a funny thing... never would have guessed 3y ago that I'd be seeking a slave now. And it's funny the small events that can impact the rest of your life. My brother was in a yelling match with a girlfriend at my parents' house when a phone call came in for the girlfriend. She answered it, then shoved the phone at me. If I had hung up, rather than said "Hello...?" I might never have met my partner.
Hopefully, just such an inconsequential event will find me again soon.. |
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Punishment... now that is an odd concept.
In my view, punishment can be defined as an action taken as a negative consequence of misbehavior. I assume that within the d/s relationship both parties are willing—a consensual relationship. Given that both parties are willing, if the submissive ‘misbehaves’ or is defiant, it is because he balks at what is asked of him. Since it is my goal as a dominant to ask of him actions and thoughts that will shape him toward his natural form, I conclude that a sub who balks my authority, or is unwilling to serve in a particular fashion, is being asked to do something that does not advance that goal.
If the sub balks because he is asked to perform in a manner he is ill-suited to, there are then two possibilities: 1) I have misread the sub’s true form, and need to re-evaluate; or 2) I am attempting to progress on the correct path at a pace faster than the sub is ready to accept. In either case, as the leader, the dominant, the misstep is mine. How, then, does the submissive deserve punishment?
Not believing in punishment does not mean that I do not use pain, or denial, or other methods that might be considered punishing, in the training of a submissive. I find them to be useful tools in the shaping of a submissive, and I use them where appropriate.
As far as using disciplinary action in return for wrong-doing—I have done this on occasion, I will admit. In one case, a submissive felt he had failed me badly, and requested that I take action so that he could “pay” for the wrong he felt he had done. In this case, I do not consider that he received punishment, but that he was given what he needed to atone. The word “atone” is an interesting one—at one. He needed disciplinary action from me to feel that he deserved to return to my esteem, to become once again “at one” with me. As a loving dominant, I saw his need and complied.
Perhaps you may think that my separation of punishment from atonement from the use of pain to be tenuous at best. However, for me they fit into my life philosophy of loving domination. I seek what is best for my submissive, always. My responsibility is to his welfare, physical, mental, and emotional. Punishment, as negative reinforcement, runs counter to my belief that it is my calling to sculpt a submissive into the most perfect form he is naturally called to.
Heh... probably radical thoughts, but... they are what occured to me at the time I was writing this. |
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Contemplation
Well, here we are in the new year. One year of seeking, gone, and few leads. My own fault, really, because I am very selective (read 'picky').
In my mind, a dominant is a sculptor. Stone has a grain, and a sculptor knows that if you carve against the grain, the stone will shatter. Hence, the best sculptors take a stone that has a shape hidden inside it, and bring that form to perfection. For that reason, it's imperative that I find a stone, a slave, with that form within him that I want to create. Finding that person has proven most difficult.
It is the duty of the dominant to care for the slave or submissive, to take their wellbeing foremost: mental, emotional, psychological, and physical. I have had to turn slaves away because I did not think I would be good for their wellbeing. A slave who finds joy and satisfaction in his service also serves the best, and so I select for a slave who wants to give the service I will demand.
Ah well.. things will happen as they will. Life is a strange and wonderful ride. Let's see where this year takes us, shall we?
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Sometimes it feels like this search is endless.. I've been seeking for a year now, with few solid possibilities, all of them slowly falling to the wayside. Somtimes it seems that there is no one who will be what I am seeking. I know there are those of you out there who know what I am talking about, and I wish you all luck in your searches. |
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Bound in your body
Blind and deaf to the
Possibilities
You see only the
Shallow, physical, surface
Slave to sensation
Give yourself to me
I lay on hands and give sight
Come see with new eyes
Your dreams exposed
Your soul breaks free of its chains
My whip kisses skin |
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Healing
^^^^^
On the outside, looking in
This is where I've always been
On the inside, looking out
No on hears my voiceless shout
No one looks and no one sees
What I do or who I be
So why be something I am not
When inside this wretched trap I'm caught
What do I care what they say
When it is not them who live my day
They cannot dictate to my soul
It's my own task to make me whole
With myself I must connect
With strength of will and self-respect
Their expections are a limit
I will not abide them one more minute
So finding my own bliss is my goal
And clearing the clutter from my soul
And when at last, I'm only me
Only then will I win free |
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Treasured Pet
^^^^^^^^^
My hooded falcon
Senses my presence and turns
Hoping for release
On his knees he begs
Anxious, he awaits command
With a touch I sooth
Jesses hold him bound
His nude body awaits me
My pleasure alone
He flies to my hand
Eager for my approval
Never to fly free |
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| Age: 26 |
| Melton,
Australia |
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