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So... I gotta write a decent profile. Hmm, insert long depressing sigh and... Begin. Please write me a formal and appropriate email letter containing your desires to know me before I accept your friend request - i, then I can accept your friend request. Otherwise, shut up and do what you're fucking told. Note: Any institutionsor individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects - You DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this or you may copy and paste this one. Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. Live to question everything. Obsession, take anotherlook. Remember,everychance you took. Decide, either live with me Or give up -any thought you had of beingfree (Don't go) I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you (I know)the only thing I everreally loved, was hate. - The Nameless by Slipknot This song pretty much describes what I'm dealing with in my battle against depression. "Freeze Dry Seal" by Stone Sour My face is horrid and I’m constantly slouching My place is lower so I’m constantly crouching I don’t believe it– I saw the man again And he won’t hear a word I say I have delusions so I’m constantly shouting I have compulsions so I’m constantly counting I don’t believe it– there goes my world again And I don’t understand a word I say Just because I’m paranoid it doesn’t mean I’m annoyed and Just because I’m not prepared doesn’t mean I’m not aware The smoke is infinite - I’m constantly panting The truth is imminent– I’m constantly ranting I don’t believe it– I took a chance again and People I don’t know won’t let it go I’ve got some problems – I’m constantly bitching I’ve got some rashes I’m constantly itching I don’t believe it– forgot the pills again I just woke up a million miles from home Just because I seem sedate it doesn’t mean I’m not irate and Just because I’m not immune it doesn’t mean I’m scared of you Just because I’m incomplete it doesn’t mean I’m obsolete and Just because I’m out of view it doesn’t mean I’m not like you Where I've been, where I am and where I'm going in life has had shown me two things: 1. Never fuck with Karma. 2. All my flaws are only for those who truly loves me as I am, as much I love myself. All in all, I'm happier than I've ever been. But only because I know where I have been. This is my life... my rules... no one else's. Period. This profile is now for friendship, advice, support and getting to know people in real life. I am a Sadomasochist - not a switch, nor a Top/Dom and submissive. Don't confuse the two. I identify as a extreme slave on a masochistic level and I am an SADIST WHO DEPRIVES PAIN AND ENJOYS THE SATISFACTION OF SEEING YOU SUFFER. BOW!!!! Hmm, good slut. Although I've been exploring my gender identity for a very long time, I primarily identify as genderqueer (both genders). I do dress in a unisex way, and most times I will dress female but other times it'll most likely be unisex, as long I'm in a trans-friendly area. My sexual orientation however is still pansexual so I am very open-minded. Those identities is a part of me but is not who I am fully. I can say it's safe to say that I'll be genderqueer with an strong emphasis on the female spectrum and I'm happy with that. I'm on hormones still and getting laser hair removal and that's all I'll do. I might get breast surgery but other than that, I'm happy where I'm going in life. I'm also a musician/singer-songwriter for Asphyxiaphilic Heart, and singer-songwriter for my solo acoustic post grunge/grunge project, Cold Tourniquet. I'm a photographer (I mostly do Gothic, weddings, family portraits, concerts, band photo shoots, LGBTIQ/BDSM culture and scenery photography) and an amateur filmmaker who took classes to get into doing adult films and BDSM productions. I'm also a drawing artist, painter, writer-poet, struggling actress, fluent in English, Dutch and I do American Sign Language because I am hearing impaired and currently learning German and Italian, scriptwriter (I'm writing my very first feature film script which I hope to see it on the big screen theaters someday), a struggling playwright, and currently writing my untitled autobiography. I'm friendly, adventurous, a bit of a daredevil, a Harley Davidson addict (I love Harleys and riding them. Live to ride, ride to live. Yee haw!), a comic book/graphic novel geek collector, a skater grrl, Riot Grrl, Activist, Pagan/Wicca practitioner with an interest in the Occult, mountain biker, lover of nature and the outdoors, a horror/vampire/zombie movie fan, smart, nice, and a bitch when being honest. I speak the truth on any subject nothing more. Opinions vary, though. I'm a former certified counselor, formerly a suicide prevention hotline counselor/rape crisis hotline counselor, a certified cook, a certified ASL teacher, a high school/vocational school/college graduate, Job Corps graduate, Peace Corps dropout due to previous family emergencies in the past, very empathetic and never sympathetic. I find it easier to care about people in a empathetic way. The 10 Kink Commandments: 1. All activity must be safe (we do not cause true harm), sane (we only engage in activity when we are clear of mind), and consensual. 2. We must always be respectful of our partner’s safe word (red/yellow/green) and their hard limits. 3. We only enter into activities after we have gained trust, education, and an open mind. 4. We must always be polite and ask questions. 5. We must not touch other people's equipment without permission. 6. We must always be clean, hygienic, and mindful of our own equipment. 7. We must always be mindful of aftercare. 8. We do not engage in humiliating and degrading scenes for solely our own amusement. 9. We always protect each other's anonymity from the harsh eyes of the vanilla world. 10. Most importantly, we do not forget to have a good time. The reason I put widow on my status is because my wife and daughter passed away in 2009. They are always a part of me FOREVER... RIP Samantha Cordeau-Lovecraft (1/25/89 to 10/26/09) Serenity Rose Lovecraft (6-25-07 to 8/5/09) To my baby girl in Heaven - Mama misses you, baby. I will NOT use my profile as your target of ridicule for your melodramatic bullshit you hypocritical bitches and bastards stir up but I'll be around to answer emails from my kinky friends I'm honored to call my kinky family, meet people in real time and I have no time for pic collectors or accepting friend requests from people I do NOT know. Deal with it. Blessed Be, Christian Grey Lovecraft.

10/13/2012 1:01:43 PM Lyrics by Christian Grey Lovecraft ©1998-2012 Sadists Ate Me Starting™ All Rights Reserved "Dead Inside" The days turn into cold nights and I walk in the rain again The years ahead feels as if they will be empty within Did I drink too much? Did I love too much? I know I fucked up your heart Now I drift alone in the Dark Chorus: I'm dead inside This pain I'm forced to hide I can't fall in love with you I blame myself for leaving you I'm forced to stuff down my love for you So do you hate me too? I can't even understand why I am afraid I thought with you everything would be okay You drink to waste, crying because I wanted a new life But I still wanted you by my side Did I drink too much? Did I care too much? Chorus Someday, you will forgive me for leaving in fear Until then, I'll drink until I cry no more tears All alone looking at the stars I look to carve your name with those scars You could have at least killed me But now I move on with your hatred for me Chorus x2 Did I drink too much? Did I love too much? Did I care too much? I guess my sadistic self-hatred will be enough. (Ends) ------------ "Sadistic Ride to Hell" MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!! Listen to me, listen to what I say I'm about to take your sanity away Tourniquet of my broken heart Dead Memories in the Dark It's all I can do to avoid the pain I wanna kill, I wanna make you scream Like fucking Michael Myers enjoying the sight of you bleeding You can't see California with Eminem's eyes Fuck West Coast, I wanna see the Genocide Nazi resurrection, government will die Torture your minds to prevent my suicide! (Chorus): I wanna kill I refuse to feel Stupid girl, you can't break me My sadistic ride to Hell will set me free We all bleed, but no truth is revealed It's all fucking lies, God isn't real I'll trade my heart for my 666 I'll trade my life for eternity as an Sadistic bitch Kill the people in apathy, burn all the churches Fifty floggings for Sarah Palin and bless the Witches Forget the past, embrace evolution Seven Deadly Sins are bullshit, let's start a revolution I'll drink straight gasoline and 40 Proof at a bar Kill all bible thumpers with my car Fuck Amerika, welcome the new Nazi Nation We will break away and be free, fuck persecution!!!! Chorus You haven't learned a thing I won't change a thing The truth is in my blood It will set you free! x4 GOODBYE!!!! Chorus x2 GET THIS OR DIE! x10 (Ends) ----------- "The Day Seattle Cried" I was a little child when you blew on a gun I was a teenager buying the Silver Box Set I was a woman with an acoustic guitar singing in the rain And your marriage to melody kept me bleeding in front of a cold sunset Chorus: But I still remember the day Seattle cried You were taken away and died alone Your faceless pain killed your light And you left us all in a world so cold You blow away your fame The sound of a bullet carved with your name Where did you sleep last night? Yet you lost yourself absent of life I was a whore for sale when they played your song on the radio All apologies made me feel like I was home So I come as I am with all my scars I look to you in the lonely stars Chorus Seattle will never die for as long as I live I'll carry your love for music to let me bleed Seattle hates us all, those starstruck dreamers we become I will always need music to set me free Chorus (Ends) --------- "A Funeral Goodbye" Is this my last song for you? Is this my final goodbye to you? You're now very far away And there is nothing left to say Another winter morning to spend alone And I walk on this lonely empty road Chorus: The cold air kills my breath I need music to help me bleed I'm stricken by your lonely death Nothing but wasted years ahead since you were taken from me If I had a chance to leave this empty home I'd bleed to see you again because you're worth more than my soul And you were why my heart crawled back to me I can feel again but I still feel so empty I'd throw away my fame I'd blow on a gun to end my pain Chorus There's no remedy that can save me Your paper wings will bring you to me Someday I will free your Shades of Grey But until then, I will just walk away Chorus x2 The rain becomes my pain My heart becomes stained There's nothing but wasted years ahead here Being alone has become my greatest fear. (Ends) ---------- "Walking Away" It's been awhile since I saw you And I know I can't love you I've fallen from grace And I wanna cut off my face My presence is in your heart but I want to quit Up until now, my life's about to submit I'm falling apart again I don't wanna go through hell again Chorus: So take me home Don't leave me alone But I realized you can't have me You're caged to his insanity So don't turn on the light Let my soul die tonight It's been awhile since I held you close And I know I'm no longer welcome so I'll just go Let me drown into the abyss It's in your nature to love me but I forfeit I'm sorry my blood is wasted on the concrete Leaving you was too much to tolerate We could've had it all But he won't let me into your heart so let me fall Chorus You and I would've made it We could've lived through this But I blame him for killing my heart I now live with Dead Memories in the Dark You and I were perfectly imperfect It hurts me the most to die, leaving you like this You wanted me more than the world so cold But I know that you could never have me So I will dig my grave and suffocate alone Even though he took you away, you can always remember me Chorus x2 Is it over? Am I dead forever? (Ends) -------- Will update more later.