I am ready to take the step and take on a 24/7 slave for my home. Can you please give insight to choosing and locating the correct person for this service. Where is the best place to search. What pitfalls to avoid? Contracts are they good/bad?

Please note these are my opinions only and how I have lived my life, I am in no way telling any one else that they too should live this way or think this way. It is merely food for thought only...

This is a question that was posed on one of the forums and it made me really pause... What makes a slave? What duties are you expecting from your slave? Are you seeking a service or sexual slave or are you seeking a 'nilla relationship plus a slave all rolled into one? What are your needs and can someone live up to those in actual reality? There are so many questions one must ask themselves first before even beginning the journey of seeking someone else to serve you.

As a dominant we must be in touch with who we are deep within and we must also face the fact that some of what we want may not be able to be delivered in reality; especially 24/7. Over the years that I have been in this lifestyle (and I have lived both as a long term slave and as a Dominant 24/7)and I have heard expectations that would make someones toes curl:

Examples

1. I want you to be hog tied in bed with a ball gag every night while I sleep next to you.
2. you will sleep with your mouth on my cock and use it as your pacifier like a baby... if your mouth comes off of my cock you will be sorely punished.
3. you will go to work 40 hrs a week, give me all of the money, raise our child, do all of the housework, and cook for me while I sit and relax. After you are done all of that you will please me sexually and I will spank you soundly every morning and night before you start your day and end your day (seriously how long do you think a submissive can do all of that before he/she burns herself out?)
4. You will be kept in a cage with your ass and pussy filled and an o ring in your mouth when you are not at work or being used by me.

Well... you get the picture.

Are these expectations something that a slave can live up to every single day for the rest of their lives? Is some of this even safe to do long term? What will it do emotionally to your slave? Since I have been on these forums and read some of the emails that I receive and some of my friends... it never ceases to amaze me just how much some people live in a fantasy world and think that this is a safe reality. It translates well as a hot story that someone writes, or a porn movie... heck even a hot all weekend dungeon story that you can live out a few times a year. I had my ex submissive locked up in our dungeon for the weekend, took away his watch and blackened out the windows so he didn't know what time of day it was from Friday to Sunday evening. He was beaten, spanked, had two other Dommes come in to use him as I video taped it and he was not allowed to come out of the dungeon all that time.It was a great weekend and one that will be remembered for quite a long time by all involved but could one do that every single day... no.

As a dominant we need to be realistic and down to earth when understanding what we are seeking in a slave or submissive for that matter. Here is my list:

1. I am seeking someone that walks with integrity and honor, someone that will bring honor to me and my house in all that he/she does.

2. I am seeking someone that understands who and what he/she is and lives to serve me.

3. I am seeking someone that will give to me as much as I give to them.

4. I am seeking someone that has an open mind, that will try anything once (excluding children, critters, crap, and dead things) and if he decides he/she does not like it... then it is scratched off the list of what we will do.

5. I am seeking an eventual 24/7 situation where we both will live a happy life, discuss everything, but in the end it is my decision.

6.I am seeking someone that understands that living this life is somewhat vanilla at times with a D/s twist.

7. I am seeking someone that wants to grow and learn, someone that wants to not only grow as a submissive but as a human being and understands that even if he/she doesn't see the entire picture... I will ensure he/she is taken care of, loved, and I will challenge him/her to grow to be more.

The play aspect comes with learning how one another tick...

It took me a very long time to define what I truly needed and wanted in a submissive. Do you notice that sex is not part of this equation? It is not that sex or play isn't important to me but these things need to be in place first before I can truly think about taking on a slave and bringing them into my home, my life, my sons life and introduce them to family and friends. There needs to be a balance in our lives because we do need to operate in the vanilla world/society. Am I saying that my list is the list that everyone should adhere to... absolutely not! These are my needs and desires that I seek. It is funny because I have had submissives contact me on various chat groups here on the interweb and as soon as they read my list of what I am seeking they say I am not harsh enough without even taking the time to truly get to know me. For those that truly know me they can attest to the fact that I do have a gentle side but I am one sadistic fuck and I relish in my sub/slaves tears as well... but again there has to be a balance.

In this lifestyle it is hard to find someone that can be all sides of what we seek because not only are there dominants out there with unrealistic expectations, there are just as many slaves that too have unrealistic expectations. Our job is to drill down to the core of what our true needs, wants and desires are in both themselves and their potential slave. There is a lot of soul searching needed and a lot of dialogue between both potentials that is crucial. So... this poses the next question that has been debated for as long as our lifestyle has been in existence. Should a dominant love their sub/slave? What works better? I know for myself I must love my slave in order to have them serve me day in and day out. I want to have that bond that is beyond anything else in this world. I need that... others may not. It is something that you need to ask yourself however before seeking out your potential.

Where do we find our potential? Well there is "ye olde interweb kinky dating sites", there is the local community and going to munches/play parties, and hook ups by friends... just like the vanilla world we have our own networks that we can use. Any one of these are good and it can be hit or miss just like if you were dating in the vanilla world. The #1 thing that you have to remember however is if you truly are looking for a potential slave or dominant for that matter, you have to expose who you truly are inside... which is a scary process. Allowing that side to be opened up can be hard at times especially seeing we all come with baggage and hurts. If you cannot open up and chip down the wall that is built around your heart then you are not ready to seek anything.

The next question was; what pitfalls to avoid...

Well I think we all have different pitfalls but for me the big one was harboring ill feelings. As a dominant I believe that we need to lead by example and express everything that we think and feel even if it might show you as a little needy at times or a little exposed. We are all human and we all have feelings, crazy moments, and there are times we do get upset, misunderstand things etc etc etc. So many couples that start out living 24/7 do not get past 6-8 month mark because it truly takes living with someone for 4 or 5 months before the real "them" truly is shown. One can try to live up to expectations, pretend to be more or less than what they are, not burp or fart in front of the other... again you get the picture. Sooner or later the true person comes shining through. Part of this evolution as well is the submissive sees the dominant for what they are. For the most part when they first meet their dominant the sun shines up the dominants ass, and they hold them up to higher standards and that can be hard to live up to. When living with them, the dominants flaws come out and vice versa and the submissives world and thoughts about their dominant are now falling down around them. It happens a lot and I have seen it many times over. In other words, if you truly want to make this 24/7 D/s relationship work; you need to make sure that communication is always there and try to make sure that you do not hide who you are from the get go. Ultimately the reality of this relationship is that you live in bondage of one another and you lay all of who you are and give all of who you are to one another. It is not a one way street.

As for the sex and the kinky play... yes this is also important but if your relationship is only based around your kinks and fetishes, do you really think that this is going to work for any length of time? Do you think that you can build a relationship solely based on those things? Exploring your needs, desires, and kinks are important but these things will develop over time as you grow in your submission or grow in your dominance. What was once a hard or soft limit may not even be there a few years down the road. So these things will develop as your relationship grows. Yes you do need to have some fetishes and kinks in common or else that will not work either but it cannot be the only focus.

As for contracts... asking if they are good or bad is like asking what people prefer day or night and which one is better. There are pros and cons for both and you will get just as many different answers. It is what you are comfortable with. I tend to have a contract drawn up during the training period and they usually are in 3 or 6 month terms (which can be renewed). I do this not for the fact that when it is over we can walk away but I do this so that we can also come back at the end of the set time to sit down and truly talk over the last 3 or 6 months and we can renegotiate our wants and needs just in case they have changed. Yes we talk all the time as communication is the key for a successful relationship but this also gives both Dominant and submissive another forum to meet as equals and talk before continuing on. If I give out a formal collar, there is one contract that is signed upon the collaring ceremony that is supposed to be for eternity. I believe formal collars equate to a marriage just as a training collar equates to an engagement.

Over the years of living this life, I have made many mistakes in the relationships I have been in but I have learned and defined more and more of what I seek and what will work for me. In the beginning I wasn't being realistic and of course when putting those things into practice I felt as if I failed and I felt horrible because I couldn't live up to the expectations from my partner and also mine that I put on myself.

In conclusion... I just think if you truly want to look at living this life 24/7 you need to really look deep within yourself and understand what is going to make you happy on the most simplistic levels. The rest will be built upon and you can grow and change it together because we all grow and change throughout our lives. Make sure you talk and talk and talk about everything and remember that your dominant isn't perfect nor is your submissive; we all have our flaws..

I was reading some of my old writings this evening and read something that I wrote about 15 years ago. Some of it I had to snicker at as it definitely showed some immaturity and some inexperience. With time we all grow and flourish into something more. I read a piece about what makes a good Master and what I understood at that time. So... now I am going to attempt to do it again with the knowledge and experience that I have now... Who knows, I may look back at this piece in another 15 years and snicker again. Life is all about growth, love, charity and learning imho.

So here goes:

A good Master has taken time to learn control of themselves and realizes that this is an ongoing challenge each and every day.

A good Master takes the time to see the bigger picture, to understand the world around them and makes wise decisions after considering all sides including their submissives.

A good Master can take a step back and understands the difference between the reality and the fantasy and would rather deal in terms of reality.

A good Master understands that they will never truly have their submissive submit to them fully until they stand vulnerable and true to their submissive, and earn their submissives trust and respect them.

A good Master will love and care for their submissive and understands that if this is going to work they must lay in bondage of one another.

A good Master understands that the submissive is the one with the most power within their relationship.

A good Master teaches by example; being protective, chivalrous, & understands that charity starts at home and is then shared with others.

A good Master understands that in order to teach/train their submissive; the Master must be consistent, not utter idle threats and has to always follow through, and is also humble enough to continue to learn and strive to be more.

A good Master will never discipline their submissive without reason and will maintain a level head. They know to never punish when they are angry.

A good Master values their submissives opinions and thoughts and will take them into account before making large decisions.

A good Master understands that within the confines of their relationship with their submissive that even after initial negotiations that they may need to re-negotiate terms, protocols, and rituals as people change with time and situations change so must how the relationship works. It is ever evolving.

A good Master takes the time to learn their submissives body language, their nuances, and takes the time to know their submissives needs and wants. They carefully balance their own needs/wants with their submissives . Contentment comes from balance.

A good Master understands that their submissive cannot read their minds and must open up.... ongoing communication is imperative.

A good Master would never ask their submissive to do something that they are not willing to do or have done themselves.

A good Master will make known that the submissive must never put them before the subs family or job just to satisfy their own selfish needs and vice versa.

A Good Master understands that while living 24/7 D/s or M/s that sometimes life will be mundane and vanilla at times and that they must operate in a vanilla majority run world. So, it may be ‘nilla with a kink twist at times.

Finally, A good Master understands that one cannot give or take more from the other as the relationship will become unbalanced. Daily they must love, trust and laugh together and always remember that they do live in bondage of one another. Without the other person in their life.... it is all for naught.

 This music video makes me sooo fucking hot (fans self)

http://www.vevo.com/watch/thirty-seconds-to-mars/hurricane-uncensored-directors-cut/USVI31000069

There was an event recently where someone that I know was playing with 2 dominants. The background is important so without mentioning names or the venue (please do not assume you know where it happened or who it happened to):

This girl and 2 dominants had set up a play time (sounds like an awesome time right?), she had just bought a new piece of thicker dowel  and had it cut in two to be used as canes, and she had negotiated with the dominants that if they were going to use it on her to please take it easy with them, she also let them know that knives were a HARD LIMIT. Half way during play her hands were going numb and the dominants were over discussing what more to do with her and not paying attention to her as her hands started going cold and numb, and it took her quite a while to get their attention to fix it. They proceeded to play with her until she became inaudible and floaty where they proceeded to wail on her quite hard with the sticks, pulled out knives on her and she could not even say red.

Now... this is where it gets much worse. After they finished playing with her so roughly and sadistically she passed out. There was barely any after care and they were more interested in going to out for a bite to eat afterwards instead of taking care of her, as she stood there crying and emotional after everything that happened to her, still not even quite knowing which end was up. One of the dominants finally gave in and gave her a ride home. She was so out of it that she couldn't even get the keys out of her purse so he had to do it for her. Still this dominant didn't clue in that she needed to have someone with her and she wasn't safe after such a hard beating. She couldn't get her key to work, and after calling her roommates he left her there, on the doorstep cold, crying, and a complete emotional wreck so he could join his fellow dominant at a restaurant to have a bite to eat. She was left sitting on the doorstep for almost another hour alone shaking and crying until her roommates could come home.

Now for my journal entry...

I could write about how I feel about this happening, I could discuss in more detail these dominants etc however any dominant reading this worth their salt probably already has the hair raised on the back of their neck and any submissive would as well. No means no... hard limit is a hard limit, and if you are not clear what "take it easy"means... ask for clarification!

Instead, I am choosing to write about how important aftercare truly is, what happens to a body chemically while at play and what happens to the body shortly after play and for the few days afterwards. I am hoping that if there are new people out there that they may read this and truly take this to heart, and old ones that do not believe in aftercare may take a second look. Now before the seasoned veterans start jumping to conclusions please read on...

As a sadist I wanted to find out exactly what happens to the body not only the surface; muscles, skin, how a submissive feels when Í spank etc. I wanted to hone in and learn why the body does what it does and how it can cope with the things that are done to  it so I can allow my sadistic side to push things further and also to master what I do. The human body is an amazing thing and it was built to take a lot of abuse. It can bear children, it can survive broken bones, illness and sicknesses, and also it can be pushed to the extremes and can still bounce back. Why can it do that? It is partially because of the neurochemicals that are released within the brain to help cope with what is happening to the body.  

We have all heard the coined phrase "it's all about the endorphins"... but there is so much more happening chemically than the release of endorphins. As a dominant starts to play with a submissive, they begin to spank, lick, tease, building and building intensity and has that happens there are two neurochemicals; endorphins and enkephalins that begin to flood the brain. These are responsible for helping the body to fight pain and are very close to the chemical structure to morphine, an opiate which in turn gives the relief from pain. Endorphins will shut off the nerves in the frontal lobe, stop the feeling of pain and then allows that area of the brain to flood with a neurochemial called dopamine which causes that feeling of euphoria that a submissive feels aka "subspace". This feeling or high has to eventually fade (medically speaking) so another 2 neurochemical called prolactin and cortisol begins to flow through the brain this is a stress hormone which causes feelings of depression and crying and feeling alone/feeling like you want to hide. These 2 "depression" neurochemicals can stay in the body for a few days afterwards.

In other words, what goes up must come down... as the submissive gets high and floats into subspace because of the trauma (for lack of a better term) that is happening to the body, once it is not needed any more the body helps to level it all out. Once its leveled out the body responds by also flooding it with depressive neurochemicals to ensure the morphine like  substance our body releases will not continue. Submissives in turn begin to get sad, want to hide, cry. These are just a few things a submissive may feel for a few days afterward...

So.. how do we combat this? How do we help our submissive or help the bottom we just played with to combat this? As a dominant it is not just our job to make sure we dont harm them during a scene, it has to extend past that as their body is still trying to process everything you just did to them. If you cannot do it personally then it is your responsibility to ensure that there is someone (a friend, another sub, or another dominant) there to take over to give the proper aftercare.

Aftercare is important because as you touch and caress a body, as the submissive starts to feel safe in their dominants arms a neurochemical called oxytocin is released. It is also is released when you feel love, lust and when you feel safe. This neurochemical helps to combat the depression, it helps to level that out. The more oxytocin that is released the more love we feel. When we feel loved it will automatically help with the depression that we are currently feeling.'

As people in the lifestyle are going to learn to manipulate a body, use and abuse, make our bodies relish the pain/pleasure (or make someone elses), we also need to be responsible for what happens inside the brain and the after effects to the body on a whole. Typically speaking not everyone suffers from subspace or sub drop (a dominant can also suffer from the same however it is brought on a little differently). However, it is our job to check on one another to see how one another are doing, to ensure one another are okay... your job does not stop once the submissive and dominant leave the piece of dungeon equipment.

remymartin is a fake. he pretended to be a hot french guy for a few years (his pic was a famous football quarterback ~ which is how he got caught) until he was found out by many Dommes here on CM and now he is back under a new nickname and picture. This guy lies, is married, is East Indian and living in India.... He is FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

I am writing this in response to a conversation that I had with a few friends this week that actually started from a posting that we all had read. These are only my thoughts and feelings and in no way trying to say there is one "twue" way. There are many conversations out there in regards to the submissive side of a D/s relationship, the gift of submission, and what it means to live this lifestyle 24/7 from a submissive stand point. What of the dominant?

 There are a lot of things that a dominant need to juggle, along with their own lives they are now responsible for another life. Yes the submissive is still responsible for their own actions but as a domme we take on the responsibility as well. Their actions (submissives) now reflect on us. We need to emotionally manage (in some ways) our submissives which is not as easy as it would seem. We are their go-to person (as it should be imho) for when they are in distress, sad, happy etc and lay it all at our feet. We may take their concerns, distress, and/or sadness and discuss it and then put it back on their laps to deal with... as ultimately they are still adults and are still capable and need to take the steps needed to overcome those things. It is up to us as dominants to help guide their thoughts and help them come up with a game plan. As a dominant I believe it is about building up your submissive, challenging them to become more not only as a submissive but as a human being and carving out a life together. Two sides to the same coin; equal but with different roles that both have chosen to be because it is that essence of who they are to their very core. Does that mean that the submissive is submissive in their every day life? Not necessarily, it just means that to that one person they do feel submissive and feel the need to submit because there is that inner need when that other person is around. For some they are submissive every day and need to find a healthy channel to explore that side and seek someone else to help balance things.

 Lets flip this now...

 The needs of the dominant are just as important as the needs of the submissive. Some of us D-types are too proud and too pig headed to admit that let alone allow someone else to help. Even though we are leaders, and have chosen to live as we do.... there are days when we too just want to curl up and disappear or have someones arms around us. We too need to have our submissives with us to stand united and strong on the home front. When we (the dominants) do feel weak the submissive will lovingly support us while we still maintain and hold down the fort. Meanwhile they are the ones that are keeping us going. Does this happen very often? No... but it does happen and as dominants there are times that we need to just allow everything to fall away and just "be".

 I know there are times that I am tired of fighting (the world), maintaining job, child, car, bills, my submissive, outer stresses and just need some quiet time, a time to rebuild me so that I do have the strength to go out and do it all over again and lead My home. Should my submissive help me with that? You bet. Some (Doms) prefer to just shut down and disappear and what may happen is the submissive feels shut out too and lost. They feel as if they have done something wrong and they feel helpless because their dominant won't allow them to do something/help.

 As a D-type we need to be able to know when to ask for help, and put away our pride because ultimately we do have a submissive there wanting to give their all and serve... why not then too? Submissives are resilient, strong, and wanting to serve and give. As a couple it is important to lean on one another to grow stronger. Ultimately... in a D/s M/s relationship you lay in bondage of one another. It has to be that way in order to successfully flourish and bring life, love and home into full fruition.

Want to know more about me? Follow the links....

http://www.humansexmap.com/showmap.php?mapid=map4e696a435295f2.39623888

http://houseofeadarainn.webs.com/

No Married men or people that have significant others....Lies and Deceit are never a way to stay at a woman's feet or bed!!!

I wanted to write out some of my most favorite quotes, These ideals are what I hold dear and try to live this in my daily life and when I take on another submissive show them just how beautiful and fulfilling this life will be.

Submission is a gift earned through trust. Dominance is a responsibility that may hurt, but never harms that gift... --Author Unknown

 "A mediocre Master tells, a good Master teaches, an excellent Master explains, but a True Master inspires" --Author Unknown

You are no one's slave, dog, slut, or sub until you give them that right. Only you can give it. No one can take or assume it without your permission." --Jack Rinella

The Master is an artist , His slave the clay, with the whip He will shape her , with humility He will mold her, Some will admire her, But only the Master, not even the slave, will know her true beauty, for her true beauty lies in her love for her Master. -J. Yednak-

"Remind me of my place. If I cry, give me a reason, show me no mercy. Force me to my knees and use me as you will." --Slave's prayer

To have someone give you control of their bodies and minds, to be entrusted with the responsibility to take care of them, to have someone willing to suffer for you, to forsake pride and dignity to please you... what other gift in this world can possibility equate to that? And more importantly, what makes you worthy to receive it?...Author Unknown

"The touch of His hand, the feel of His lips can never replace the kiss of His whip..." -- Author Unknown

What is with all of the "do me" subs on this site? It is very tiring to be contacted by submissives that want to be fucked, beaten, and go on their merry way again until they need another fix from their vanilla lives. I have very little time for people that only have their interest at heart.

This lifestyle is so beautiful, loving, giving, warm, sadistically delicious, fulfilling, and to have that full TPE with another so that both lay in bondage of one another is like no other.

The BDSM lifestyle of what I hold dear is bastardized by "do me" subs and Domme wannabes that think that its all about the tributes and what they are going to get out of the deal. What ever happened with building something, a trust and love, a D/s connection that goes to the very core of your being... the "play" is the icing on the D/s cake; to which there are many layers. If you had all icing it would become tasteless and sickening after a while. It is so much more fulfilling when having a full slice and truly getting a taste for more.

I am seeking someone that walks with integrity and honor, someone that will bring honor to me and my house in all that he/she does.

I am seeking someone that understands who and what he/she is and lives to serve me.

I am seeking someone that will give to me as much as I give to them.

I am seeking someone that has an open mind, that will try anything once (excluding children, critters, crap, and dead things) and if he decides he/she does not like it... then it is scratched off the list of what we will do.

 I am seeking an eventual 24/7 situation where we both will live a happy life, discuss everything, but in the end it is my decision.

I am seeking someone that understands that living this life is somewhat vanilla at times with a D/s twist.

I am seeking someone that wants to grow and learn, someone that wants to not only grow as a submissive but as a human being and understands that even if he/she doesn't see the entire picture... I will ensure he/she is taken care of, loved, and I will challenge him/her to grow to be more.

The play aspect comes with learning how one another tick...

I am not one of those Dommes that speaks out of her ass, knows nothing but pretends to know everything and I do not want anything from you other than what you are willing to give/submit. I hate how these money grubbing women come in and ruin what this lifestyle is supposed to be. They take the beauty and innocent nature away from the gift of submission and just want to be bitches and tell someone what to do which is NOT what a Domme is. Capping a name does not make a Dom/me.