It is unbelieveable that so much time has passed since my last entry.  The man I was and am dating now (he is in my last entry-the one I hurt) has forgiven me and we are still seeing each other.  There are issues with his mother, brother, and son, but we seem to be passing over those.  He is very dominant in personality, but has no experience in the lifestyle and thinks my interest is a bit kinky and weird.  How does one introduce a natural dominant to the lifestyle?  Any ideas?

My job at the loan company was ended by choice.  I was making no money at all.  I have gone back to teaching daycare and I love it, but it is so hard.  I am already sick and on antibiotics and have missed several days in my first month.  Hopefully this round of meds will kick the infection.  Kids spread everything.  But I still love them.  I am no longer with the potential Dom roommate.  He was called back to MS to go offshore, hooked up with another woman and they lost her home in the last hurricane.  I am sad about that but so GLAD that I did not go to MS with him or go after him.  I am still seeking, and was just hurt badly by an ex, who I cannot seem to stay away from no matter what I do.  Three days of total happiness and joy was destroyed when a former girlfriend of his, who has had nothing to do with him for several weeks, went to his home Sunday evening after I left for work, and he had sex with her.    This was after promising me for 3 days, I was the one and only and he wanted to be with me forever.  I will never understand men.  When I asked him why he said I manipulated him into saying what I wanted to hear.  What a crock -- no one can make anyone say things like that -- or do what we did in the past or in those 3 glorious days.  I am still hurting because I also had told another man I was dating that we had reconciled and I did not want to see him anymore not realizing really how much this other man cared for me.  And though I like being with him there lacks a certain chemistry between us.  I need to feel -- and with him it more like being with my brother who makes love to me.  I was so greived because I hurt him because of promises made to me by the ex, who then broke them so I was doubly hurting -- so I am still alone, still seeking and somehow still hoping to be found or find the right one for me. 

It has been almost 2 weeks now and it really has not become any easier.  I am crying less, and got a great release by scratching out the eyes and then burning and further abusing the photos I found of her.  I am a bit amazed that doing that was as cathartic as it was.  I despise coming home to the empty apartment and find myself staying out til the corner pub closes.  There are some good people there and it helps to be distracted, if only for a time.  I really need a keeper.  I got so drunk this past Friday, that I was sick, passed out and called in sick to work, but finally after some sleep, was ok, called in and my boss let me work anyway.  I can't even recall the last time I was so disgustingly drunk and called a Dom friend who was mad at me for drinking so much.  I agree that I needed to be mad at, but all I needed at that moment was someone to tell me they cared about me.  We no longer have contact, because he is not a carer, but a chastizer instead and that is the last thing I need right now!! I think about leaving here -- I think about not hurting anymore.  Yet, there is something holding me if only by a thread.  Where is that Dom/Master I need so badly?  Where??

8/16/03 Not as quite as cheerful as my last post. I got a call last night that on 8/7 my mother was rushed to the ER with a heart attack. After angioplastly and a catheter and stint procedure, the stinted artery burst and she began what the medical men called "Bleeding out." As they rushed her to the OR again, she recalls one nurse saying, 'We're losing her, her BP is 74/32." A second nurse who was actually on the gurney as it rushed down the hallway, answered, "Not on my shift, we're not! In the Name of the Lord." Then my mom recalls nothing else for the next 3 days. My birthday came and went and I was so sad because she did not call me. I tried to get her the next few days, then finally last night she called and told me what happened. When I asked what took so long for someone to call me, she said the number she had gave her a recording that it was disconnected. I had that number changed almost 2 years ago. One of my sisters had gone to FL to help her come home from the hospital, and of 3 sisters, not one called me. I made a vow that from now on, I will call her at least once a week. Later in the night, last night it came to me how precious my mother is to me. In spite of all our differences. So if you are reading this, stop! Call your mother and tell her how much you love her. We never know when it is our turn to go. This time, because a red-headed nurse rode a gurney with my mother, her life continues. I am grateful to God for that. She has yet to see her Greatgranddaughter who will be a year old on September 3rd, two days before my mother's 71st birthday.