I am pretty much fed up with this site...  after having some flakey weirdo pretend to be 2 different people and I flat out told him I wasnt at all looking for his type, he attacks me with my own words.  Was just a REAL turn off and now I dont even open my mail because I dont know if it is him or not and I cant stand him.  I have been brutally honest but am just not looking here anylonger.   Best wishes to everyone.

what are the chances of finding a true sub in the real world??

so lonely... tired of looking...

OK I am so sick of how are you?   dont message me and say how are you damnit.  Here is how it goes

Dipshit:  Hi how are you?

Me:  I am fine or whatever how are you?

Dipshit:  Fine Maam.  May I ask what you are looking for?

Me:  (no longer messaging you back) *Totally bored with you already and not answering any more of your stupid mails.  What I am looking for is right onmy profile have you read it?*

Dipshit:  No Maam I will read it. (DOH)

Me: WHy the hell didnt you read it before you wasted my time?

Alas he turned me down:(   He says he is out of town and it has just never worked out for us to meet, I think he has cold feet. Ball is in his court if he wants to meet he will have to ask ME out.  Its hard, meeting someone new for me and I am sure it is especially hard for a sub.  Neither know what to expect.  I am not willing to meet a switch right now at all.  Sorry guys, I know what I want and that is not it.  No offense intended at all just not going there.  I assure you, if I meet somoene we will have set up guidelines, there will be no play that is not mutually consentual. A Domme is not a bully.  I am not a rapist (though I will play one if you want;)  I respect safewords and people and their limits.  I enjoy a sub more than a slave becasue I want to know what you want, not just do what I want.  I enjoy endorphin release... simple as that.  Well actually it can get very complicated.  I also should say that I very much consider sex part of ... this... and its like eggs with no bacon or whatever so yeah. 

OH and btw my pic is old it is before I was sick... my hair looks like a lunch ladys now lol  but no hair net....  it has some grey in it(eep!!)  but my Dr assures me that it will go away, but due to the platinum I was injected with it will go orange if I dye it now. .lol  I guess then I would look like bozo the clown.  Its curly and I am loving that but the dr says that also will go away.

Ah well I have had a really bad long day and am so disappointed.  Please, if you write dont ask what I am looking for or whatever.  Its all on my profile.  Read my damb journal and talk to me like you would anyone else you meet.  tell me what YOU are looking for, why you think you havent found it yet, but dont write me if you arent willing to meet at least. Plenty of people are into cyber.  I, however am NOT!!!

Friday I had full body scans and blood tests and all my cancer is gone:)   Yayyy  I am all alone this whole week.  Hope to get to have some fun.

I have found someone on here that I am interested in meeting.  I tried meeting him before but it didnt work out....  am giving him another chance this week.  Hope it works out.

I amsomuch better its unreal. My keyboard isnt but oh well cant have everything.  Iam back to working out and have been doing aquazumba yay I love it!!   I amonmy 5 year maintence drug now and finished with my chemo.  Heart is slowly getting better andmy brain too.  I have lost 7 of my 40 pounds I want to lose before my final boob job and stuff.  I will be in bed for 6 weeks then and then I should be well yayyy.  finally.  cant sleep tonight.  wish I had someone to play with:) 

Things arent going well for me the last week or so.  My heart function has dropped to 50% and I have another chemo tomorrow.  I am going to ask my Dr point blank tomorrow if I will ever frickin have sex again lol  I was told before that my heart will return to normal by Sept or so and my brain function too... I hope that is true.  I dont feel like answering messages right now but I will be trapped in bed for a few days after tomorrow and I will answer them then. 

How about sending me some awesome fantasys to cheer me up?  I feel so alone and just pretty much hopeless right now. 

I remember the day I realized that I was 'different'  I was about 17...  Having routine sex with a much older guy.  Sex had always felt good and I was so horny but had never had a real orgasm.  As we were having sex I put my arm under a bolster that was on the bed... it had pins in it and one stabbed me deeply in the arm and everything went black.  I was almost unconsious and falling in a deep dark warm hole... spinning and saw a million bright colors...  He finished and got dressed and I layed there stunned.  He talked about how important it was that I douche and not get pregnant(dumbass)... lol I was on the pill.  The ground was still spinning so fast under my feet I couldnt walk... my knees were like jello.   As I walked him to the door I remember thinking OMG the world just moved and he dosent even KNOW!!!!!   Why did that happen??  How can I make it happen again?? 

Only 3 chemo treatments left!!!   I will finish at the end of June!!   I have gained some weight so I am doing weight watchers.... have to lose 40 pounds before my final boob job so I am working on it now... only have 36 to go:)  working out really hard too.  Still no man in my life:(   so lonely and alone. 

So people keep asking what I am looking for... mainly someone worthy of my trust..... someone I can trust around my family and who can blend in sometimes...knowing that its always there lurking under the surface....  someone who is also sexually deviant and into endorphin play, swinging and celebacy.... someone who is either 420 friendly or who will tolerate the fact that I am... someone who enjoys working out, swimming and going to live rock shows because I DO!!! I prefer a sub to a slave, but not a smart ass. I am a squirter so if you arent into that you should probably move along;)

Sorry for not having updated in a while, you guys are so sweet to worry.  Things are going very well.  I am having chemo only every 3 weeks so its much easier on me.  I have been celebate for more than a  year now.  sucks.  I am so not willing to settle.  blah makes it hard on me

this week my platelets fell to 60 and should be about 300... so I got my first blood transfusion... it was really weird... was so glad I have a port!  Made me fel like a vampire... right at halloween.  other things are going just ok... I am lonely and feel very alone.  Havent had sex in almost a year much less played.... after this long I wont be settling for a playmate... I really want a deep relationshiop be it manogamous or not....  (ok I know I spelled that wrong and I really dont care enough to look it up)  hugs to all who want them and whacks in the ass for those who dont...

I have 2 more heavy duty chemo treatments left... Had heart failure and all kinds of bs but am doing the best I can to get through.  Losing my hair and my boobs have left me feeling totally crippled... I dont really see someone wanting to play with me for a long time:(  I dont allow anyone the chance to know me though... I hide in my shell where its safe for now. 

I am doing well and appreciate your thoughts and kind words more than you could possibly know. I will start my chemo 7/11 and do 3 6 week rounds with a couple weeks between each round.  Desperately need a houseboy;)  Look forward to playing again :(   hugs to those who want them and whacks in the ass to those who dont:)  Have a great day cos I am gonna!! 

Just when you think you have things all figured out... life throws you a punch and there you are...  I have landed on my feet and am looking for someone who can deal with my chaotic life and become a part of it.... someone who wants more than anything else to remain happily at my feet.... eyes cast downward meeting my needs as I meet theirs.  I would prefer someone disabled or self supporting since you wont have time for outside work, someone who wants to be part of my world and can look beyond the fact that my boobs are fake... cos I am not fake. 

OK everything I typed before was wrong.  I found out that I have more cancer and have decided to do a double mastectomy.  So, 36 or 38? idk   I will be on chemo for a year so yeah you may want to run.   Funny I am ok with it.  Just want the cancer gone.   I miss my sex life and playing.  I will probably never play publicly again cos... I doubt Id be comfortable doing that.  I have a couple of weeks before my surgery.   I am just at a loss and dont know when Ill get to play.  I so miss having a relationship but I dont think it would be fair to have one now since I am so sick. makes me very sad

Things are going well for me.  I have had 2 surgeries and will probly have more later.  I am pleased that I didnt need a masectomy and only have a few small scars.  Certainly not the frankentit I was afraid of.  Still have a week of radiation then chemo then 37 more radiation treatments then I will have a lift if I need it... I dont need it right now;)

I had typed a bunch but erased it...  guess I am too lame and fake to let anyone see what is in my heart.  no wonder I cant find anyone that fits.  I am really down on myself tonight.  Sometimes its scary to bare your soul.  even to yourself.  moreso when your tendancies run to sadism or masochism. the only part I have experienced in a great while is the physical part.  the biological part.  the part that interests me most  though and makes me happy is when you can truly connect with someone who is special to you and go many levels deeper   know what they long for and be that for them not because you physically have to or need to but because more than anything else you want to.  I doubt that makes any sense to anyone but me... I give up for a while....