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For starters If the name begins with a Capital its gets deleted...asumming I dont know you.
I am sorry to say is not looking for a male submissive but..is always open for new friends if you looking for more than that please keep searching
Next off Fakes please dont waste your time or mine with a message.
Now that being said has major sense of humor and likes to have fun. Not really looking but if happens wonderful. Is a bit jaded and doesnt like to rush into things. So hint get to know me before becoming to forward (work in progress to be completed soon just a matter of getting what I want to say here just right. )
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Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
By 30, Our Women Have More
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Like Massachusetts , only smaller.
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
First Of The Rectangle States
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Hookers and Poker, take your pick - or both!
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
At Least We're Not Michigan
Like The Play, But No Singing
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
We're Not REALLY An Island
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
The Work-Free Drug Place !
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Words Women Use:
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**k YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true |
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NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
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> > Your Yearly Dementia Test
> >
> > It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen
> >test.
> > Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
> >muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
> >don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your
> >loss or non-loss of intelligence.
> > Take the test presented here to determine if you're
> >losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers
> >until you've made your answer.
> > OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
> >
> > 1. What do you put in a toaster?
> >
> > Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do
> >something else.
> > Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to
> >Question 2.
> >
> > 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows
> >drink?
> >
> > Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
> >attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even
> >overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature
> >such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
> >
> > 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue
> >house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks
> >and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
> >from?
> >
> > Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said
> >"green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these???
> > If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
> >
> > 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at
> >20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
> >politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during
> >the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
> >remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
> >Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
> >crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and
> >West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West
> >Germany, or no man's land"?
> >
> > Answer: You don't bury survivors.
> > If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must
> >stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next
> >question.
> >
> > 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus
> >from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the
> >bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
> >In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people
> >get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five
> >people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You
> >then arrive at Milford Haven.
> > What was the name of the bus driver?
> >
> > Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
> > Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
> >
> > Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do
> >better than you.
> >
> > PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! |
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THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN>> An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He> wanted to> dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as> the ground was> hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was> in prison. The> old man wrote a letter to his son and described his> predicament.>> Dear Vincent,> I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I> won't be> able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just> getting too old to> be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here> my troubles> would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the> plot for me.> Love, Dad>> A few days later he received a letter from his son.>> Dear Dad,> Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the> bodies.> Love, Vinnie>> At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local> police> arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any> bodies. They> apologized to the old man and left. That same day the> old man received> another letter from his son.>> Dear Dad,> Go a
head and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I> could> do under the circumstances.> Love you, Vinnie |
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hopes people get a good laugh on this one
An old-time, southern hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.
And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin', no good bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
"he's gonna be a U.S. Congressman!" |
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>A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for several
>years.
>One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
>pregnant.
>Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
>of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
>stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
>provide child support until the child turned 18.
> She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
>it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
>"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for
>child support payments to begin.
> One day, some 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
>"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
>"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
> The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white
>and fainted.
>On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
>meatballs, one without."
and another i found funny |
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Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on. |
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Subject: Pet Diaries
Dog's Diary entries...
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
683 day of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due
to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use
it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe.......for now... |
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| Age: 18 |
| New york,
New York |
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