7 Habits of HIGHLY Effective Dominants


In 1989, Steven R. Covey’s popular self-help book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was first published. It has since sold more than 1.5 million copies. In the book Covey presented an approach to being effective in attaining ones goals by aligning oneself to what he calls "true north" principles of a particular character ethic paradigm that he presented as universal and timeless.

Since Covey’s book was released and became one of the bestselling nonfiction self-help books of all time, many writers have attempted to capitalize on the popularity of “7 Habits” by using it in the title of their own writings to present ideas and concepts they saw as something important to share with others. So here is my contribution to that as it relates to dominants in the BDSM lifestyle or one of the several subsets thereof.

By way of a small disclaimer, I do not present here something I claim to be a universal guide or some enlightened path to the proverbial “one true way” applicable to every dominant. This is written simply from my own perspective as a Dom and represents my own opinions that are based on my own experiences over the years. Every dominant, every submissive and every D/s relationship is unique so of course your mileage may vary. Still I hope that anyone taking the time to read this will find something useful here that seems worthy of inclusion in his or her own journey.

1. Know Thyself

The words “know thyself”, often mistakenly ascribed to Socrates actually predated him and ancient Greece by many years. These two words it could be argued are the foundation of all philosophy. I also think them representative of a foundational principle for dominants.

Any male can take on the title of “Dominant” but sadly not all who do so are men with the integrity, strength, character and behaviour deserving of the title. Being dominant is not the same thing as being loutish or domineering. I have encountered those who dress up abuse as dominance, mask pure sadism as discipline and conceal exploitation as kink. True dominance is none of those things.

Being dominant requires a desire to fully embrace the essence of one’s nature and a commitment to learning to effectively channel and express dominance within the context of a relationship with a submissive partner. It requires effort and there is a great deal of work involved in it. I think being dominant is a need for dominants, not just an interest or a hobby. If it isn’t a keenly felt need then why play at it?

Imagine the qualities that you see as being essential to an ideal dominant – fair, affectionate, firm, patient, nurturing, munificent, etc. Keep them always in mind and proactively take action to reinforce those qualities in you until they become second nature.

2. Be Trustworthy

Trust is important in any relationship, even friendships but it is vital in D/s relationships. Without trust the whole dynamic falls apart. You may be able to struggle and still get by with other character qualities needed by a dominant but you cannot struggle with being trustworthy. It is the lynchpin of it all. Always be a man of your word, keep your promises and do what you say you will do. Be a man that your submissive feels she can trust completely. Trust is difficult to earn and nearly impossible to regain if lost.

3. Never Stop Learning

In the years since I was introduced to the lifestyle and my first D/s relationship, I’ve learned a great deal about dominance and submission and I’ve acquired a good many skills but I don’t know it all. Far from it. And I'd suggest, neither do you, whether you’re a new dominant or have been a practitioner for years and years. Attend seminars if they are available to you and learn new skills or hone existing ones.

When my submissive and I started discussing the possibility of forming our relationship, we discussed our respective kinks while exploring compatibility and she had lots of interests that I lacked the knowledge and skills to include in scenes. You can bet I am working now to acquire the necessary knowledge and skills because those are things she feels a need to experience and explore.

Beyond seminars there are numerous books and interweb resources where dominants can acquire education. When I first embraced the lifestyle years ago there were only a handful of useful books available but now there are literally hundreds. Don’t fall victim to inertia. Don’t become complacent and self-satisfied with being able to do only those handful of pet kink activities you enjoy most. If you do, I’d suggest you don’t get too attached to your submissive because she is going to grow and acquire new interests and if you don’t grow with her, chances are good you will lose not only her interest but eventually her as well if you are unwilling to add to your dominant knowledge base and tool box.

If you are a novice dominant, I urge you to find an experienced dominant to mentor you. Having a qualified teacher is always better than going it alone and trying to get everything from books and web resources. An experienced, seasoned submissive is another possibility when it comes to mentorship. She can help you gain a better grasp on the submissive side of the coin.

The more knowledge you soak up, the more skills you master, the more confident you will become and the more your dominance will shine through. That I promise you will not be lost on your submissive. It will be evident to her and appreciated.

4. Recognize the Gift

Yes, not everyone, even some submissive women I have talked with, agree with me but nevertheless I firmly embrace the concept that submission is a gift and I think dominants should recognize it as such. It isn’t a gift in the sense that a submissive offers her submission without the expectation of getting something in return, of course she does. That is why she submits. She has needs that she knows must be met. It is a gift however in the sense that she willing gives it. She consents to offering her power and consents to submit to the control of her dominant. It can’t be taken from her by force or it isn’t submission but abuse. So with all due respect to those who see it differently, submission in my view is a gift and I think dominants should be mindful of that.

Submission isn’t easy in the world and times we live in. It takes great courage and great character for a woman to literally put her life and well-being in the hands of a dominant. In addition a woman who submits is going completely against the grain of everything she is being inundated with by society with regard to women’s rights these days. She is told relationships are all about equality and self-determination, not placing herself in a submissive position to a man. That dynamic might sound appealing on the surface, but a strong, capable submissive woman understands that she can feel happier and more fulfilled by submitting from a position of strength and independence to a strong, dominant man she trusts and respects.

She understands that submission isn’t about being a doormat because she knows she can take on the world outside of her relationship. She can manage her own career, her own finances, her own material wants and wishes but she still can choose to kneel at the feet of her dominant and serve him with pride and affection, adhere to his rules and protocol and submit to his authority and discipline.

A dominant is truly being handed the keys to the kingdom when a submissive consents to give herself to him. So recognize the gift. Appreciate it, honor it and treat the gift, as well as the woman offering it with the care and respect deserved.

5. Don’t Get Lazy

Sloth or laziness is one of the seven deadly sins in Christian moral traditions and it is just as deadly for the dominant in the context of a D/s relationship. A submissive taken for granted is a submissive that will soon be lost. I can tell you this from bitter personal experience. One of the loveliest, most sensual, intelligent and challenging submissive girls I ever had left me for that very reason. I became complacent. I got lazy. I stopped exercising dominance and control. I started to rely on the sex to keep the relationship alive and ultimately that did not suffice. I can assure you I won’t make that mistake again.

Since becoming active on this site, meeting and chatting with lots of different submissive women, I have come to identify a mind-numbingly common theme, “My dominant is really up for the play and sex but doesn’t seem interested in the D/s and I don’t feel the control I crave.” Almost every single time I hear this, the submissive will acknowledge that the play and sex are great but will then immediately condition that with “it just isn’t enough, it isn’t meeting my core needs as a submissive”. So you can be great at the play and the kinky sex and she may be regularly be experiencing those mind-blowing, speaking in tongues, I really saw God, Meg Ryan ain’t got no shit on me kind of orgasms, but if sex spiced with SM is all you are bringing to the table, for many submissive women, that just is not going to be enough.

Kinky sex is the new cool today. The fact is your submissive can probably get great kinky sex from most any adventurous vanilla guy she may meet on almost a daily basis, some of whom might be a hell of lot hotter looking than you. She chose you because she needs and wants more than that. She wants the dominance and the control piece that channels her submissive nature. If you aren’t giving her that, let’s be fair, she really doesn’t need you. So if that is your strategy, again I wouldn’t get too attached to her. Don’t take her or the relationship for granted. Be consistent. Bring your “A game” every single time. Go big or you may find yourself going home, alone.

6. Know Your Submissive

Equally important as the first habit, know thyself, is knowing your submissive. You should come to know her better than any other person she knows or has ever known. It is imperative that you gain a window to her soul and come to understand exactly what makes her tick – what her specific needs are, what kinks she finds meaningful and how often she needs to experience them and what motivates her to submit. You must insist on total and complete transparency and you must provide an environment where she feels safe being that. You need to see the innermost workings of her psyche to be an effective dominant for her. Things that worked fabulously with submissive women you may have owned in the past, won’t necessarily work with the one you have now. There are some commonalities but at the end of the day, every submissive is unique. They are not all motivated by the same thing and submission doesn’t mean the same thing to every girl.

Some are motivated because they crave the endorphin rush from an intense scene. Some feel the need to let go and to fly in subspace. Others experience a catharsis from an intense flogging, spanking or caning. For some submission is simply the means to hotter sex and for still others they seek intimacy and bonding that they just cannot get from a vanilla relationship. Service and pleasing motivates some. Regardless of submissive type, most hunger for that feeling of being controlled that is literally palatable. A dominant needs to be intimately acquainted with the motivations behind his submissive girl’s desire and need to submit if he truly cares about meeting the need. It is person specific so a dominant can’t rely on a bag of tricks that worked with a past submissive.

7. Take Your Pleasure and Often

This last one is one of those things that should be obvious to anyone who knows anything about D/s but seems like the stickiest wicket of all for many dominants. Within the context of a relationship, it is often simply an unspoken rule that the dominant will instigate sex. If that is not your understanding as a dominant, if you want your submissive to offer herself to you regularly instead, then you better have a chat to her to see how she feels about it. That is because among the few things that seem to be common among submissive women is that they want a dominant man who is dominant when it comes to sex. If a dominant ever finds himself sitting about bemoaning the fact that he isn’t getting his sexual needs met often enough, he better give himself a hard look because the submissive is certainly not at fault for that.

Yes, I am generalizing here just a bit and doing so on the basis of the purely anecdotal evidence of my own past experiences, but a submissive generally craves to be used sexually and harbors the expectation that her dominant is going to do that on a quite regular basis. She doesn’t want to be asked if she fancies having sex or being played with, persuaded, cajoled or bribed into allowing her dominant to do as he wants with her. That is what fundamentally separates a submissive woman from her vanilla sisters. All those moronic vanilla games are put in abeyance, eliminated from the equation.

A submissive wants to please her dominant with her body, even though at times she may not be particularly aroused or interested when he requires her to do so. A part of it, being used may be that she is made to do those things she isn’t quite sure that she likes, or only likes when she gets into subspace, or those things she knows she likes but feels a little ashamed for liking them because they are “dirty” or perverted or risky or whatever. But the question of whether she will let her dominant do them has already been decided. She has already agreed in advance to do anything that does not violate her disclosed limits so the dominant pretty much has carte blanche to do with her as he pleases, when he pleases. There are always limits and they must always be respected, but that leaves a lot of space to work in. Often a submissive is most aroused when sexual performance is expected and when her dominant decides he requires sex at any given moment he decides to require it.

So a dominant should feel free to awaken his submissive from sleep to service him, to instruct her to drop to her knees to fellate him and to take his pleasure from her when he arrives home regardless of the mood she might be in if he wishes. Her responsibility is to pleasure him and to meet his sexual needs and most often that is a huge ongoing turn on for her. She wants to please him and to put his sexual needs first. Once the play is in motion or she is servicing him sexually in the way he needs, she typically gets caught up in it and her pleasure invariably follows as surely as if she had instigated sex with him.

A submissive in most instances signs on to willingly and consensually be the sexual plaything of her dominant. It is not her responsibility to initiate sex or play or to make or cajole her dominant to take advantage of what she offers. When he takes his pleasure she is generally going to be happy about it and will feel most fulfilled and satisfied as a submissive. Personally I think a submissive should be given the freedom to ask for or feel free to attempt to seduce her dominant if she wishes, but that is not her responsibility. Dominants should take their pleasure and often.

Again this is not offered as a universal guide, but adopting and practicing these suggested 7 habits of highly effective dominants should for most contribute to being not just an adequate, or good but great dominant that a submissive girl can truly enjoy and find meaningful to serve.

Finding a great dominant is not the easiest thing in the world because the demand always seems to outstrip the available supply. So unless a dominant has irrefutable proof that his submissive feels he is the greatest dominant she can imagine, he would do well to do those things that foster within her that perspective.

The blunt truth is because submission is a keenly felt need, not an occasional interest or a hobby, many a submissive woman does settle for far less of a dominant than she really wants because understandably getting some of your needs met, at least some of time is better than not at all. A wise dominant does not give his submissive reason to think about trading up if she is a girl he wishes to keep.