Collarspace.com

Horizontal Line
Vertical Line
Horizontal Line

Horizontal Line

Kiki71

Vertical Line

IN SEARCH OF FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP and hopefullymaybe something more. I am looking for a woman with similar body features, because Ive always wanted to experience being with a woman. Not to say that just having a friend is bad, thats fine as well.

Just a heads up I am a happily OWNED submissive living the lifestyle 247. I enjoy talking to everyone and I enjoy meeting new people. Due to past experiences, I must say this If you try to take me away from my Dom, you will be wasting your time. I will not leave Him. I am very happy and very loved and well taken care of.

Horizontal Line

4/5/2018 4:26:08 PM

So here I sit in a Florida airport, delayed what feels like 5,000 times, contemplating my life as it is now.

 

As it is evident I have not blogged in well over a year. I know I’ve mentioned here and there that I’ve missed blogging and wish to get back to it.  I hope that this will be my chance to do so.

 

I want to mention that I’ve also “hidden” myself from the lifestyle, blogging, researching and reading because I felt like I needed to hide again. I know I’ve shut that part of myself off somewhat again. I contemplate why.

 

I will say one thing that I am aware of…….I’ve gained some weight and it really crazy bothers me looking at all of these amazing submissive bodies online. Why does everything I see show these amazing figures? Why can’t I see “normal” bodies? I hate it. I’m so jealous. I’ve turned completely shy and mad and upset with how I am now. I feel utterly horrible and disgusted with myself.  Perhaps I’m acting like my mother and if I’m miserable everyone else should be and I hide myself from the “happy” and ignore the amazing and what can be. Plus I’m so darn lazy sometimes. Blah!

 

Anyway, with that being said, I’ve thought about what I should talk about in a blog now (including the opinions of myself). I’ve given it much thought.

 

Unfortunately, I can no longer only blog about my amazing submissive sexual experiences with Oliver. Why? Well our situation has changed. Oliver and I now live together and both of us have children from other relationships. Our schedule lacks time. In children, out children. Revolving door. No alone time, has to be scheduled, blah, blah, blah. So I thought it would be good to blog about our struggle and let people know how we handle it, our thoughts, our ideas and solutions, and perhaps share yours as well.

 

So, this will be our day to day kinda gig.

 

It has been a huge struggle for me, and I wish to help myself and others come together and unite and figure all this out. Perhaps help out others in similar situations as ours.

 

For starters, since we’ve moved in together, I can say that I have not felt so much like a submissive as I’ve liked to. My frame of mind goes back and forth dependent upon what time of the year it is (aka sports) and it’s hard for me to hold on to my submissive brain constantly. My job requires me to be in a dominant role and of course I have to be that way raising my child. So how do I balance ourselves between the two different roles? I know that I personally need “detox” time when I get home to get and be in the right frame of mind, but don’t really get that when I walk in the door.

 

I also believe Oliver struggles as well. He has MUCH more stress in life that I do and I know I am also a demand on Him.  Perhaps at times it’s too much to handle for Him and He just expaspects me to be submissive even without His direction? Just do as I’m told until he comes to me with more training, etc.

 

So my day to day…….: He picks out my panties daily, I’m expected to read my mantra and weigh myself daily, text Him when I get to work, I need permission to eat, need permission to spend money (unless there is an emergency), expected to ask to do anything or go anywhere, and as soon as I get home I am to go to His office and see Him. If He is not home in His office I am to text Him letting Him know that I am home safely.

 

Sometimes I wonder if that is enough for me. Sometimes I feel like it’s too much. I suppose that is all a part of being a submissive, as well as being in a relationship. The ups and downs. I’ve thought about mentioning more routines, but do I really want that? I tend to get lazy sometimes (a lot lately) and don’t want to do anything and then I get cranky about it. Then I get stressed because I don’t feel like doing it. So where is the balance? I know some of you are thinking just shut up and do it, and perhaps you are correct. I’m sure Oliver would agree with you. I’ve always though perhaps I am a switch, but when I go deeper into that thought well, …. there is no way I could control a submissive. Thought kinda freaks me out.

 

So, this, as my first start up (again) blog, what do you do? What are some suggestions? How do you manage with your dominant work demands and family demands and balance your mind?

 

I’m looking forward to getting back and being with all of you again. I am also going to speak with Oliver about getting pictures posted again. I love to share our lives with you and I think that Oliver and I need to come up with a plan on how to do this – even with a full house. Yikes! Creative ideas please!!!!!! Ox

 

Bea


3/19/2017 3:29:53 PM

I don't even know when I was here last, blogging. I know that I pretty much stopped after I got my new job in October. So much has been going on.

 

Perhaps I should start my story over.....give a recap of sorts?

 

So here goes...............

 

I've known I was a submissive my entire life. I cannot say that I knew what a submissive was so I really didn't have an understanding of anything until after I read 50 Shades. Yea I already know what some of you are thinking, but don't. After I read those books I literally dove into Every. Single. Book. I could to learn about submission and the lifestyle.

 

It wasn't really an "ah ha" moment for me because I already knew that I was a submissive, but I was very happy to learn the definition of what I was and that I wasn't alone.

 

I began to search for someone that I could enter into a relationship with. Met some "dom's" that were not so good and began to learn what a real dom was vs. a fake one. Luckily they were long distance so I didn't suffer too badly. I was lucky.

 

Finally I found a real Dom on a site. We connected extremely well. He took me on as his submissive after some time of talking about limits, wants, needs, etc. One small, teensy winsy thing. He lived half way across the country. So we entered into long distance M/s relationship.

 

I loved this relationship. I was very happy and content. But as the years went on there was a physical need that I craved. After some time of realizing that I needed more physical then he could give me, he decided I should date.

 

I met several men, but none that I was really too interested in. None that I could just fuck and move on. Turns out I also found out that I am a demi-sexual. This means that I cannot sleep with anyone that I don't have a mental connection with.

 

Until one day. The day I met Oliver.

 

I explained to Oliver about myself as a submissive and that I was owned by someone. Honestly now I don't remember what he thought of it all but I know he did do some research. Turned out I enlightened him. It seemed that he had always felt dominant but didn't quite understand anything about it being a lifestyle or anything else.

 

As time went on Oliver and I became closer and my physical need to touch him was too much. I had gotten approval from the master that owned me to have that need met. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing that time was. Something I truly will never forget. Never in my life had a man made me cum. Oliver did just that! Think I wanted more - lol.......................um YEA!

 

This is where I started to have some problems. While I never wanted to be away from master, my need to be with Oliver grew. It became stressful and I felt tied between the two. It was not a happy time for me. Master had released me for a bit and I literally went nuts. I lost it and did not want to be without him. So the 3 of us made it work. It was after some time that the realization of this would not work. After several weeks of speaking with master, I was released again and given to Oliver. He then became my Dom, and still, to this day is.

 

I still am in contact with master daily, but our relationship is clearly very different now. I will always have a need for him in my life though. He helped me through really so much and I will forever be grateful. He's an amazing man.

 

Now about Oliver and I....we don't have a M/s relationship. We have our version of a DD/lg relationship. I'm not a true little. I do call Him Daddy though. And our relationship is 24/7 and in person, not long distance. We see each other almost every day. Our relationship has been in a bit of a rut after I got the new job. Part of that has been the reason I haven't been here.

 

Part of my life is very stressful. I've allowed, and He's allowed, that stress to take me away from being a submissive. It was so bad it was to the point where I questioned whether or not I still even wanted to be in a BDSM relationship. I asked Oliver for a break and we went back and forth a lot about my tasks and rules, etc. He was very lax. I think He was this way because He wasn't sure if being hard on me would have pushed me over the edge. He waited it out until the stress dissipated.

 

Was this good for a Dom to do? Maybe not, but it's what He did and we both learned from it. I don't think that He will allow it to happen ever again. Actually I'm pretty sure He won't allow it to happen again. He has a better hold of me and things now.

 

Our relationship is beginning to grow again and become much better. I'm not the easiest person to train and I think He's also learned how to handle that. He is continuing to learn, grow and realize mistakes, as am I. I think now that the stress will be gone for awhile we need to grow stronger so that when it comes around again we will both handle it better and know exactly what to do, or not to do.

 

Today He said something pretty cool. Sometimes when we talk, freely, I tell Him that I think I am mentally stronger than Him. That He can't break me. Today He asked me if I felt the same. I told Him I did. He said this. "When I'm not with you, you feel disconnected and alone. You feel confused and irritable. These are not signs of strengths. When I'm with you, you feel emboldened enough to be bratty. You feel confident and loved. Those are signs of strength. So when are you strongest? What is the source of your strength?"

 

Amazing right. I never realized that.

 

I do want Captain (I call Him this too sometimes, especially in public) to break me. Very badly. I can feel it more lately. Feeling the submission in my mind that I so missed.

 

The long distance relationship was so much easier not to fall out of the submission mind because it was the only thing we had. This relationship with Captain is hard work. So very much worth it though. I can't wait to write about the future. I think Daddy is ready to take us to another level, and while I'm very nervous, I'm very excited. I trust Him, I know He will not hurt me, but it makes me nervous because He will be making me more mentally connected to Him. I love the mental part. I need it, but it leaves me open to be truly damaged if He never decides to let me go.

 

Not sure what else to say................but it feels extremely good to be back here. I hope to be back more often. 


11/13/2016 2:37:26 PM

HOLY CRAP - IT'S NOVEMBER AND SO MUCH GOING ON......

 
Sorry but November is still going to be under October for now! Maybe next weekend I'll have time to update! Does it matter? IDK?

How's everyone? I miss blogging SO much! I've been insane busy. The new job has me moving every single second. Daddy let me shop to decorate my new office today. Was fun! Need more - lol!! Like a BIG picture of Daddy!!! Hee hee hee!

The job - well so far so good. I think I'll like it. I feel important there. Needed. I enjoy that. Granted it's only been 2 weeks, and I still have so much to learn. I want to be at the point where I know everything and I can enjoy it instead of learning it. I want to be able to know what to do now. Again and as always and we all know patience isn't my thing. I even drive fast. I'm always running. Always going nuts. Non stop. Maybe that's why I don't sleep well???? I fear I'll miss something? LOL, my mother always said that.

So Daddy met my parents. For me it went as expected. I knew my mother would act as she did. I know she means well but heck I'm not a kid anymore! She said something when she left. "It's not what they do for you, it's what you want to do for them". She doesn't understand how much I want to do for Him. I want to give Him the world. Please Him.

Because I've been so crazy nuts lately between the new job and family obligations and sports, I know my head is not where it should be. I know I'm owned and will not deter from that, ever!, but I might "accidentally" make a decision on my own without even thinking. It's because I'm in "run mode". Do do do! Act act act! It's hard. It's hard taking a step back and letting Daddy do what He needs to do. I know the mistakes I make. I see them. For example He was trying to lead me through a VERY large crowd over the weekend and I maneuvered my way to lead. #MISTAKE. Daddy didn't say anything but I so knew He was thinking it. I'm always rushing. Never taking a step back. I need to figure out how to control the rush. Not sure at this age I can do that. It takes a conscious mind for sure. Darnit! I just have to do it!!!!

The playing aka sex with Daddy is still amazing as always. I cannot even explain to you what He does for me, to me. No one ever has made me feel or made me do what He does. It's so weird too because it's like my mouth was made for His cock. I do things with my tongue that I never have before. I love sucking His cock. It's the most perfect cock on the planet. I'd like to say it was made for me.

Anyway, still rushing. No pictures to share ... sorry. Maybe next weekend? But know, even though I'm rushing (and Daddy settling me) I'm so very happy!!!!! He's the best thing EVER! I love Him.

Thank You Daddy for You - oxoxoxoxox

11/2/2016 5:25:58 PM

11.2.16 - Yes I know it's November but....

 
...I have no time during the day w/ my new job to set up the November blog yet...maybe this weekend.

It's been 2 days since I've started my new job and well, I feel like it's been longer. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing? I think I will do well in the position, but I just have to get to the point where I know what the heck I'm doing. In time.............but as we know patience and I are not friends.

Since I've started the job, I've been kinda stressed and not thinking. My head hasn't been where it's supposed to be. I let my emotion and over thinking and everything else take me away. Then I get out of control.

Tonight when Daddy came over, He took the problem (aka me) into His own hands.

Got a really really good spanking, which was VERY much needed. Again, made me cum until I had to beg Him to stop and then fucked me until I was sore. Exactly what I needed. Simply perfect.

I'm so happy Daddy knows exactly what I need. Besides, I'm not sure how much more of the crazy me He could take.

I do really want to keep up the blog as I enjoy it. I'm hoping once I settle in my new position at work I will be able to manage my time better. Stupid me was trying to control all those decisions. Daddy will make everything work. Duh!

10/25/2016 10:11:39 AM

10.25.16 Daddy did it again

 
He made me cum by oral sex.

I was so scared going into it because I was worried I couldn't do it again. I thought that would have made Daddy upset.

We discussed it afterwards and I told Him my concerns. He knows this is a process for me, something new to learn all over again. He understands. I'm grateful.

Welp, one week from today I will be starting a new job. Ironically I don't know which one yet. Since I've posted last about a job I've gotten 2 more offers. My last interviews are today so Daddy will be making a decision.

I am leaning towards one and explained to Him my opinion. He said He will take it into consideration.

I'm still nervous. Starting this new venture is making my anxiety heighten. I don't like doing new things because I get scared. I won't even go to a new place if it's not something surrounded by an area that I am comfortable with. I wish Daddy could hold my hand on the first day.

My head is still in a good place. Although I'm very tired right now, I am still very happy and settled. He's brought the best in me out and makes me want to be a better person. He's my best friend. 
I never want to forget that feeling that Daddy gave to me on Sunday. Perhaps the smell of the flower we saw will make it a physical memory for me.

Any flower resemblance?



10/23/2016 3:25:50 PM

10.23.16 The Weekend

 
I simply cannot tell you in words how amazing my day was.

Well we did have a good night too. Wore my collar and leash out to a Halloween Party - hee hee hee. Felt so good. Honestly, when we got home I didn't want Daddy to remove the leash. I felt more connected to Him. Loved it. Like an umbilical cord, of sorts.

But today.....amazing.

I was up very very early and sat in bed while Daddy slept. I had some coffee and did some reading. After awhile Daddy woke up and we cuddled, watched tv, Daddy slept on and off, we touched, rubbed, connected. Daddy asked me what I was thinking. I was completely honest with Him and said I was thinking about Him licking my pussy while I was wearing my nipple clamps.

He ordered me to go and get my clamps.

I retrieved them and handed them to Him as I crawled back in to bed.

He, very slowly, played with my nipples as He placed the clamps. The immediate shock of the pinch felt so good.

Daddy then began to work His way down to my pussy. His tongue on me = no words. I don't think I've come orally in 5 years. Maybe more. I've had a really hard time with it. Not sure why or what happened. Maybe because of how I've been treated in the past? Anyway, oh my......I came. It. Felt. Amazing! He's broken almost every barrier I have. Daddy keeps breaking my wall down.

I have no idea why today, but it happened. Maybe His chipping away at my wall allowed my brain to release some 'brick' and I had no inhibitions?

After I came, I started to rub Daddy's cock and massage His balls. At one point He ordered my mouth on His cock. I can't tell you how wet that made me. I love His order. His strong voice. His Dominance. I might have been able to cum from it. Once in awhile Daddy would force me to swallow all of Him. I love hearing Him groan. It's one of my favorite things in the world to hear. His pleasure equals mine.

Daddy took me then. All the ways He likes best. Countless times of cumming. This Man is amazing!

Now, not that all of this was simply perfect, but what Daddy did next was the most awesome thing ever.

After a shower together, we dressed and Daddy took me to a beautiful flower farm. We listened to a lecture and then were able to walk around and enjoy the property. He even bought me cute little gifts from the gift shop.

Back at home I laid my head in His lap as we made small talk. Daddy confirmed that our future will be solid as this day.

After Daddy left to go home, I reflected about the day and how I felt.

Guess what??????????? I actually felt like MYSELF. Like my old self reappeared and I found me! The person who is really nice to people and enjoys chatting and is friendly and loving and kind. That's me! Not the bitter and angry person who is afraid to be herself because she is worried about what others think. I realized that no matter what others think of me it really doesn't matter because all that matters is what He thinks. He is my life. Not what all these meaningless people around me.

My heart is filled with so much of Him and how happy He has helped me find me and who I used to be. There are no words to explain how happy I am. After all of these years I remember what it feels like to be free and happy and me.

He truly is a Master.....

Master Daddy....

PS - Yes, I do have pictures to post of our play night, but they simply aren't good enough for how He's made me feel about myself today. No picture could ever explain it. But I will post pics on a different post......for all you pervs! ;)

10/21/2016 11:47:11 AM

10.21.16 Last night felt so good

 
I was spanked in a different position this time. It was hard not to move. Daddy said the other way is much easier on me. He's right. He told me that I will be spanked in this position more often and no longer over His knee.

Before we started, I was playing with clothes pins that were left on the kitchen table. Was a mistake because then Daddy used them on my nipples. He then slapped my tits making the pins moves.

The pain felt so so good. I know that I need more. I think Daddy knows it too. I've been carrying too much stress and responsibility on me and it needs to be released so that Daddy can take it over.

After being spanked, Daddy put me on the bed and forced me to cum over and over and over again. I literally, as I often do, begged Him to stop. I was trying to be so good by keeping my ass in the air for Him, but I couldn't do it. The force of me having an orgasm makes me move. I need more practice. He doesn't want me to move.

He makes me feel so amazing. I literally crave Him.

I think this week has been a good learning week for me. We've talked a lot and maybe it's starting to sink in. I know it won't happen over night, but I know that it will happen. I will be His good sub. One that never questions and just obeys. One that doesn't try to take away responsibility from their Dom and leaves it where it belongs. One that doesn't think or make decisions and leaves it with the one that does. I will do all of this. For Him. For me. For us.

For the first time, Daddy took some video of Him taking me. I can't stop watching it. My absolutely favorite part is watching His amazing hand on my ass. I'm sure He will allow me to share with you soon. Stay tuned.......

10/20/2016 11:26:59 AM

10.20.16 Rambles

 
I was told to blog today. I suppose it's a good thing since I do have some things on my mind.

For starters, I was punished last night. Daddy found out that I haven't been doing something that He asked me to do. I was very nervous to hear what His punishment was going to be because His  punishments are in no way good. I am afraid of them. A reason I'm afraid of them is because I actually have to do them in full effect, where as before if I was punished long distance sometimes I could sort of minimize the punishment. Anyway, Daddy made me pinch my nipples really hard for 3 minutes. Then He pinched and played with them for a short time after.

Now I know what you're probably thinking. Not that much of a punishment right? No, but it wasn't that much of a bad thing I did wrong.

I can't say that I was disappointed that I was punished this time. I know that Daddy thinks I thought He has been a pushover in the past and I know that He is proving that thought otherwise. Although He doesn't need to, I think a little scare in me is a good thing. Again, I reference the parent child thing. I know if my parents didn't scare to punish me as a kid, I would have been a much worse child. True fact.

Other rambles....new job stuff. I might have 2 more offers on the table after I already accepted the one. What do I go for? The money? Probably. I need to leave this in Daddy's lap though. He's to make the decision. I know that He will keep in mind the money, the benefits and any retirement plan the companies may or may not have, among other Daddy thoughts.

During my day I read this article today on staying focused. I know, as does He, that I have been having this problem a lot lately and I know it's because my mind is preoccupied with other things going on in my head. That and my mouth/brain filter have been non existent. The article said that I should journal about these things and it will help release them from my mind and be able to focus better. I'm not sure that will help me because I am a natural over thinker. So...what else is on my mind?

 
  • Job - what one do I take, I want more money, will I like it, have to travel further - yuck
  • Money
  • Booking flights 
  • Moving
  • My submission to Daddy and focusing better
  • My submission to Daddy when I'm around my child and how I act towards my child when I'm around Him. I want to be/act submissive then too, but I can't do that in front of my child. I'm very strong. I'm a single parent. 
  • My child's sports schedule and health
  • My blog
  • My weight
....think that's it. I can't do anything about booking flights until I get a check I've been waiting for and I hate being patient about it. I'm not a patient person. 
 
On a fun and silly note, Daddy and I are going to a Halloween Party this Saturday. I'm wearing my collar to the party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yikes! LOL. Think anyone will realize that it's really mine? 
 
I also miss playing with Him. I'm hoping to play some after the party, but I don't know if we will be able. It may ending up being too late. The following weekend, well, the parents will be visiting. But I shouldn't worry about it because that's is all in His lap. I have no decision on it anyway. Just miss it. 

10/16/2016 10:48:04 AM

10.16.16 Feeling bad

 
No "playing" last night. We were kinda just like a vanilla couple having sex. I know Daddy was concerned because I haven't been feeling well, and my back hurt crazy bad yesterday. (Have this bad sciatic issue) I felt bad because I knew that He really wanted to play. He even told me in a text this afternoon that He misses tying me up and doing things to me and to get better soon.

We also discussed how badly I need to be spanked. Sort of the physical reminder of who I am. Probably some more release as well.

I feel bad being ill and I feel bad because I feel I haven't been a good submissive. Daddy mentioned that I'm very "toppy" when I'm sick. He's very patient, and hasn't said anything, but I wonder if He should have.

I get in this mode of controlling everything around me because I have to and then I'm on a roll and can't stop. How do I slow down? How do I control my thinking? This seems to be an ongoing issue with me. Someone needs to help me stop because clearly I can't do it on my own.

I know Daddy will be upset because I'm beating myself up, but I can't help it.

Now I'm thinking about the non-playing again.....I wonder if Dom's get like submissive's when they don't play. Do they go through some sort of mental thing as well? Withdrawal? I'm curious about that.

10/15/2016 8:23:10 AM

10.15.16 Changes...and my first GIF

 
Yikes, where do I start...

First, I've been sick all week so haven't wanted to blog, plus I haven't really had anything to discuss and I'm not sure everyone just wants to read about some of my plain ole' days???

So here we go:

Those of you that have been reading my blog since the beginning know that I have been looking for a better job. Welp...finally found one. I start November 1st.

I'm very, very excited about this new opportunity. I will finally NOT be bored every single day, all day. Even have my own office! Woot! However...I'm concerned.

I'm concerned about the blog for one. I'm going to have to work on it in the evening now, and I hope I continue to do that. It really is something that I enjoy. Problem is, I do a lot of running around at night. Have to make sure I put some time aside.

I'm also concerned about not being able to talk to Daddy all day, as well as some others. I've built many good relationships with others that I speak with and I don't want to loose the connection. I guess that has me the most concerned. Loosing the friendships that I've built.

Took some time aside while I'm typing and I am thinking I should realize that everything will work out. That is how I will look at it going forward. Daddy did say that I should think that way so I should really try.

Something else this week..................haven't been very submissive to Daddy. I've been under a great deal of stress (self imposed), and I've been acting out. Not intentional mind you, and I feel horrible about it afterward, but sometimes it's so dam hard to remember my place. I get in this mode of taking care of everything that I have to around me and it comes out in my attitude with Him. How does a submissive switch mental roles so easily? Is there some mental training I can do myself. Do I have to stop and think before every single action? Maybe. Maybe Daddy can help me with this? Maybe I need a look in the eye or something?

I'm not sure if or what play will be happening later tonight because of how I'm feeling, but I know that I will share whatever happens with you, as always.

I've also just signed up for Facebook under Olivers Bea if you want to hang there. I just signed up so there is not much there yet. Daddy also told me no "nudes" there so I have to be careful. Darn Facebook takes away all the fun ;)!!!

Here's my first GIF though........................so pretty I think



 

10/7/2016 11:28:05 AM

10.7.16 I wrote my story, but...(oo)!

 
I wrote down, since I remember and what I remembered, all of the pain that I have been through. Daddy has read it.

I need to let it settle with me for a few days. I also need to reread it. I've already added a few things that I've forgotten.

In the end, I'm not sure if I should publish it or not.

Daddy is right when He says that I don't take criticism well. 100 people could say something wonderful and all I will do will stress over the 1 person that didn't. Perhaps that character flaw needs to be fixed first.

I'm also thinking that perhaps maybe I should change the way I wrote it. Maybe make it more of a "story". A short story? I'm not sure. Like I said, it needs to sit with me for a bit.

I'm not sure if anything changed seeing my life written down in words. I will say I do feel a little lighter today. Not sure if it was from the writing or not? Perhaps because it's Friday and I'm lucky enough to have a 3 day weekend.

Daddy says that I need to make myself be okay with saying these people were bad, and that I don't need to carry them around for the rest of my life. They are dead.  Essentially they should be.

What I do wonder, is this normal? Do women like me, a true submissive, go through the same thing? If the answer is yes, how can this be changed? Start a support group? More thinking......

Daddy wants to make me better. Make me happy. Make me forget everything else because I am so happy. He's an amazing Dom, Daddy, Lover and Friend. I am truly lucky and I look forward to our future together.

....thank You Daddy for keep trying...




10/6/2016 12:07:11 PM

10.6.16 My night last night

 
First let me say ................... A M A Z I N G !!!!!!!!!! He is SO amazing. He can make me cum like no man has ever made me cum in my entire life. I'm seriously the luckiest woman alive. Please no one take Him from me.

After a walk, Daddy made me a cosmo. He makes them so yummy!

After I finished my cocktail, Daddy said that He had to use the restroom and that I should stand and remove my clothing. I did as He asked.

He brought a kitchen chair into the living room. He took my hand and as He sat put my body across His knees. He began spanking. It felt so good. I went into a zone. I was counting or thinking of the beach or something to help me get through the pain. I can't remember exactly what anymore. He moved His hand from my ass to my thighs and back again. A few times I screamed in pain, but then was able to get back to my place. I felt like He could have gone on forever.

He then ordered me to lay on the bed on my back. He spread my legs. Daddy then began to play with my clit very lightly using His fingers and tongue. His tongue feels so good on me. As I began to become more wet, Daddy would insert His fingers inside my pussy. He has this amazing look on His face when He plays with me. Like He's concentrating on my every reaction and basis His next move on that. Or like He's contemplating what to do next and how to make me feel. I love His face. Love watching His eyes. Like He's all knowing.

When I become very wet, Daddy places the wand on me and starts playing with that most awesome spot. I think He knows when I am going to cum because I just have to look at Him and He just either shakes His head yes, or at times and quite unfortunately, no. He didn't allow me to cum so quick last night. It's funny because I think I'm going through labor when He doesn't allow me to. I breathe in and out quickly. Somehow that makes me calm the urge to cum.

When He finally allowed me to cum........................I came again and again in wave after wave. Again, I begged Him to allow me to stop.

I cried. He released some of my emotion again.

Daddy laid next to me and held me until I stopped.

I leaned over to put Daddy's cock in my mouth and sucked Him differently than I ever have before. I love trying/doing new things/ways to suck Him. I think He was really enjoying it too, because suddenly He made me stop, pinned me flat on my back, spread my legs and put His cock into my pussy. He fucked me hard. It was, as always, perfect.

Towards the end when Daddy was about to cum, He flipped me onto my hands and knees and took me from behind. We came together.




10/2/2016 1:52:26 PM

10.2.16 An amazing 1st of October (My play night)

 
Whew! Still recovering. So exhausted. Saturday night was AMAZING.

Daddy and i had an early dinner with friends and were home before 9.

i poured myself a cocktail and Daddy and i sat on the couch for a bit. Playing, kissing.

i asked Daddy if i could suck His cock and He allowed me to. i cannot describe how much i love it. i swear it's the most amazing cock i've ever had. Perfect in each and every way. i love playing with it in my mouth. i love how Daddy reacts when i swirl my tongue around Him.

After awhile Daddy had me stop and He went and retrieved our toy basket.

Now i'm not sure of the order of things, but this is how i remember it.

Daddy had me naked, placed the mask over my eyes and moved me in to position. Below the beam. He spread my legs and placed the spreader bar between them. He then added the clamps on my nipples, the cuffs on my wrists and ankles and then added the rope. i loved how Daddy wrapped the rope around me this time. It felt so amazing on my pussy. Just perfect.

Because the rope was so perfectly done, when He placed the wand on my pussy, it was able to hang there and tease me. Oh i wanted to cum so badly.

After being there for a bit, Daddy removed me from the beam and bent me over the side of the bed. He spanked me, cropped me, and caned me. I LOVE that crop. Feels so good!

He then turned me over and placed me on my back on the bed. He spread my legs apart and suddenly i felt this amazing feeling on my clit. Oh my! It felt like His tongue was there, but different this time. Turns out it was not Daddy's tongue. It was this new toy that Daddy got that sucks my clit.

i'm not sure how long He left it there, but once He removed it He placed the wand my clit and whoa!!! Major sensitive. It was actually a bit hard to cum because of the sensitivity of it.

Daddy then took me as He likes. Again....amazing.

He is such an amazing man. Perfect. Perfection. i love Him.












9/30/2016 11:01:17 AM

9.30.16 My story - and maybe a pic ;p

 
I'm thinking about writing about my past, letting it out in the world for all to know.

Daddy wants me to write it all down first, so He can review it. I have one week. At which point He will let me know if it can be posted. He's worried that some will lash out at me for some of the things that I have been through. He's worried that any negativity will greatly affect me. I don't handle negative comments very well. I frequent others that try to help me and it always ends up messing with my head and never turns out well.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing this because I'm not sure what other well I can try to heal. Clearly I'm not someone who forgets. Maybe my new attitude and direction with Daddy will work. Maybe both. I don't know. I suppose anything is worth a shot, right?

I know tomorrow night Daddy and I will be playing. I'm very much looking forward to it. I'd like Daddy to break more of me down. Continue chipping at the wall around me. I know now that we will both handle it better. I will remember to use my safe word, and I know that He will check on me more often.

I've written a mantra for Him. It's more personal for me and how I feel. Even this morning when I thought I might have a issue I said some of the words I wrote and it really helped. I didn't get panicky or stressed out. I know that Daddy will handle everything. I know it!

He's amazing.

Place bets???? Will my ass be marked tomorrow, or will buns of steel prevail? Ha.




9/29/2016 12:22:57 PM

9.29.16 Vulnerability??? What?

 
I joined some email feed on a site that talks about relationships. Nothing BDSM, but I found something interesting she said.

She made a statement that women should appear vulnerable to men and that will get these women to keep their relationship. Um, what?

Several, well more than several, times, I've struggled with being a submissive and whether or not I'm supposed to come off as vulnerable and weak. Can I be strong at times? Would that make me less submissive?

I read something on vulnerability today and it stated that to be vulnerable is to admit having pains in life and being able to move beyond them. Not staying that way. Moving beyond them....

So I'm confused.

I know that what this woman stated vs. BDSM have nothing similar to each other, but I'm trying to merge them together somehow to try and help me understand what she is saying.

Is vulnerable and being a submissive the same thing or different?

I know, and have learned, that I don't have to walk around in life and appear vulnerable to everyone. But should I? I only do that with Daddy. He owns me and He is the only one I am to submit to. I'm attributing being vulnerable and weak as the same thing. I don't think I want others to see me being weak because I think I will get hurt. I do appear weak to Daddy because I can be because He takes care of me.

This woman also talked about femininity and masculinity. Apparently I'm 82% feminine. Daddy says He hasn't seen a masculine ounce of me yet. So shrugging over here.

I also read that in order for a woman to feel whole, we need to love. What we do now is fear and then act out. I need to change that into just feeling love. If I love others, I will love me. I know that I do that. When something is bothering me internally, I'm really fearing it. I need to realize that and then change my attitude. I think then I won't act out as much. Or at all.

All of this has somewhat helped me get my head in a better place. I know that's weird to say considering how I'm stating confusion above, but something snapped in me these last 2 days and I'm feeling good. I feel amazing where Daddy and I are in our relationship right now. We couldn't be closer. Sometimes something bad has to happen in order to see the good. I think Daddy said something like that the other night when I was scolded.

I told Daddy today that I'm ready to give Him my whole self. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I'm going to give it a conscious effort. I know all my walls have been there for so very long. I hurt and have a hard time forgetting. I remember all the pain that has been brought to me.  Pain that I've been receiving since I was very young. Perhaps I should talk about these here someday. Perhaps that will help me heal? I know that He is also chipping away, and I'm grateful for that. I trust that one day He will break it all down and remove it forever.

I love Him.

9/28/2016 12:25:47 PM

9.28.16 Was scolded, but in a good way

 
It was brought to my attention last night that my last 4 posts made it seem like Oliver is not a good Dom. I'd like to say several things about this.

1. What I write about is coming from my end of things and how I am feeling at that moment.

2. No one else but Oliver is aware of what has happened in my past and He acts accordingly due to that knowledge.

3. Although I do enjoy chatting to people everywhere, in no way do I need to be saved from Oliver or to be told that He is doing things wrong. You see no one but He can be my Dom, because He is the only one that knows me and can know what is best for me.

Again, what I am writing here is coming from my perspective, my view. Oliver always has a perfect reason for doing what He does. I'm like that child complaining about it, when the parent knows better.

So Oliver and I had a good talk last night. He explained (actually more like spoke very sternly - even swore at me a few times) to me about a few things, and then pretty much told me He is sick of my shenanigan's and going forward He will no longer be so easy on me. I will be punished, and fierce. He explained that I will not like the punishments and that they will not be fun.

At the end of the conversation I felt completely scolded and upset. But guess what? It was exactly what I needed. I feel that my head is back in the right place now. Like something snapped and I am ready to begin being His perfect submissive. I think that I needed to see that when it comes down to it I really couldn't/can't "get one over" on Him. For some reason I needed some sort of proof or something in order to believe He really is in charge. Perhaps I had some sort of doubt? He's has now made it perfectly clear to me that He can be very stern and will be very stern if I pull any bs anymore. He's put that bit of fear in me that I needed. Now I have no desire to be punished. I'm scared of what the punishments will be. I don't want to know what they will be.

I hate to say it, but I'm very glad that this has happened. I feel so much better now.

I also have to say that I can no longer call Him Oliver because I don't think that it's appropriate. I can only call Him Daddy now. I feel that calling Him Oliver would be disrespectful, and that is something that I never want to be. There is another name I call Him as well, which I may use in the future. Captain. As He is the Captain of my life.

I am very much looking forward to Saturday. I very much need the physical from Him. Not that we haven't had little quick sessions here and there, but the long ones are always what helps. He's been dragging the bad out of me. I will never forget the one session where I couldn't go any further. I truly felt like He broke a part of me down. I know it was a lesson of the safe word, but I still think that was amazing.

I'm sure Daddy will be taking pictures for me to post. Keep an eye out :) 

9/27/2016 12:05:15 PM

9.28.16 Hating me...

 
This is so hard. I'm not sure what to say or how to explain this. I'm so tired. Feeling worn.

I haven't been feeling submissive during my days. Honestly I really hate that. I truly enjoy and love being a submissive. I love the control over me. I crave it. (The sexual submissive is not at all a problem, by the way). But during my days and even when I see Oliver, I just don't feel submissive. I know exactly what the problem is, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I fix me? I'm feeling broken.

For some reason my head is not in the right place. I'm not being 100% open to Him. Still holding on to that wall. I need to let myself go, but how how how?????? How do I do this completely after all of the 45 years of pain that I have endured? How do I forget it all? What can I do to forget? The nights are easy to forget the past, but I can't do that during the day. I feel like I am ruining the dynamic of our relationship and it bothers me. It hurts and making me hate me more than usual.

I think that Oliver might be too easy on me and I think that makes me feel like He might be a 'pushover' (I'm not sure that is the proper word. Maybe easy?)? We spoke last night and He said that He is going to be harder on me. I know that I really need that. Perhaps I think that I could talk or beg my way out of things all the time because this has worked for me in the past. I mentioned this to Him and He said He will work on this. He won't say yes all the time, and won't change His mind when I beg. But I wonder, is He scared of something as well? Is He worried about being to rough with me? Are we both worried about loosing each other? Am I too much work?

I know all of this clearly needs to go into more discussion with Him, but it also helps me to blog about it. Perhaps some others out there have the same issues?

Our sexual dynamic however, is absolutely amazing. I don't think either one of us have a single complaint. Last night, for example, He made me cum so many times to count. I just came in waves and waves. When this happens it's sounds like a buzz in my ears. He can break that noise by saying something to me, but once He stops the noise returns. It's my favorite thing in the world being with Him like this. I know that He's taken some pictures last night but He is not available right now so I can't get to them. I'm sure I will post them later this week.

I know somehow that this will work out for the best because life is like that. Perhaps I need to make a conscience effort to stop and think and be who I want to be for Him before I act, instead of jumping and protecting like I always do.

I know that I want to be with Him forever.  I know that I also over think the impossibility of that. All of this is just me holding on and not trusting that all will be like He says it will be. I'm shielding. 

9/26/2016 12:14:29 PM

9.26.16 Weekend stuff and I'm a little sore

 
So last week I posted about Oliver not reacting to anything. That He's very calm and collect. A quiet Dom. A thinker. Well I got a little insight of how that won't be the case in certain instances.

The instance is when someone is threatening or acting like they will take His property, or pretending to already own it.

Unfortunately, as it is some days, I didn't get to see Oliver on Saturday and had to be out and about at a town sports event. A man, who wanted to "get with me" showed up. This person has made several advances towards me in the past. During the last one I told him that my boyfriend wouldn't like me going out with him. Since then he has stopped.

Either the man must have forgotten, didn't care or just acted like he did because that's who he is as a person, but Oliver was pissed. Beyond pissed. I didn't get to see what Oliver was like in person, but I could certainly tell through His messages to me.

The man kept touching me and calling me pet names.

I'm not sure what steps Oliver will be taking to prevent this. I do know that He is thinking about it. I also know that I have no doubt that this man will know that I am taken the next time we run in to him. And I know beyond a doubt that we will be running in to him again.

What else is up? My pussy is very sore today. Last night I got a good spanking on my ass and a few spanks on my pussy. I thought I was sore initially from being taken, but the pain isn't it the right spot for it to be that. I have to say that I am really enjoying the pain there. I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe it's the reminder that I am owned or that He was there? Not sure. Why do others enjoy their pain? What pain do you enjoy and hope for? I know I will be experiencing more this weekend. Oliver did mention He likes having me hang from the rafters.........pics to come, I'm sure.

Oliver and I also had a talk today and it looks like perhaps some changes will be coming. I told Him I haven't been feeling very submissive lately and He's going to take care of that. I know I need to be patient and that He and I are still learning, but I kind of feel like it's been long enough. I feel sort of loose and not tight - ha! Um, sorry. I feel like I'm not all tight and bundled up going about my day as a submissive. I feel like I'm all over the place............what a ho! LOL. Sorry, I'm throbbing while I'm typing this so my mind is beginning to wander.

Anyway, I need to smack myself and get my sh** together already! I'll have to see what He says tonight.

9/24/2016 12:41:09 PM

9.24.16 Drug

 
He's like a drug to me. I crave Him. I can't live with out Him. My mental status changes when He isn't around.

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I like this?

It's such a beautiful day and all I can think about is my feeling of loss. There are so many wonderful things we could be doing together today. Like being naked in the woods with my fox tail for example! I wonder why all summer that never happened?????

Over thinking.............over sad. Want tomorrow.

Btw, my punishment has been completed. Haven't been here all week because that was part of my punishment. Surprised I did it without asking for it to be made for a lessor amount of time. I'm proud of myself for that. 

9/20/2016 11:54:27 AM

9.20.16 I'm bored...

 
...and want to do something so that I get punished.

Oliver is a very calm, relaxed and patient Dom. He never gets upset. He never reacts. If He's jealous, I don't know. If He has any thoughts on other men around me, I don't know. He's very trusting, which is good, but sometimes a little jealousy excitement turns me on.

I feel we are just living day to day like a couple that's been together for a really long time. It's very comfortable and loving and perfect. Like we are moving through a cloud with no change. No up, no down. Just peaceful and in the middle. We. Just. Are.

I know that I am not used to being in a relationship like this. It's completely drama free and it's weird to me. I only worry about  my personal issues and I do not worry about my relationship with Him.  All relationships prior I would deal with drama. True, I did hate it, but sometimes I liked a little of that drama action.

I thought over the weekend that perhaps Oliver had a twinge of jealousy when a man that I've known for awhile made a joke with me. Oliver slapped my ass after the man left. I felt He was telling me that He owns me, no one else will have me. I really liked it. Turned me on.

I'm also crazy horny and really want to play more. I feel like I didn't get a lot out of our time over the weekend. I blame myself though. That in itself is a long story. I want Daddy to make me cum like He always does when He touches my g spot. It's my favorite way to cum. I need it.

Blah..............lots of rambling today. 

9/18/2016 10:32:10 AM

9.18.16 I know it's been awhile......(and maybe a pic or 2)

 
........and I haven't been blogging much because nothing much has been going on or happening. I figured people are more interested in seeing pictures. Mentally though, blogging helps me and I have been ordered to start doing it more often. Not just when I have pictures to share.

I guess some days I am still struggling with being in an up and personal relationship with a Dom. I struggle with obeying and pushing back. We've discussed and I think it's my unintentional way to see if He can really handle me. I am a very strong person so it takes a big man to be able to control me. It was easier in the long distance relationship because I was unable to 'test' him. I couldn't really push back. I obeyed because the only person I would have been unpleasing is myself (had I been able to lie). When I did disobey in the LDR it was disappointing to me because I couldn't see if after the punishment he was okay with me.

Wait.....I don't think I'm making any sense. Let me try to explain better.................

Ok, so here with Oliver when I disappoint or disobey it's easier for me to feel better afterwards because I can see His reaction to things. I can make things better by being with Him and seeing Him. In the LDR I couldn't do that.

Anyway, it's about me doing this 'testing' thing with Him. I do hate that I do that. And I REALLY do hate being a strong person. I REALLY do want to give Him everything. I'm going to make a REAL conscious effort to do so. I think that when I wake daily I should add to my morning routine that I will remember that He REALLY will take care of me and all that surrounds me.

Waiting to get hurt is no way to live your life. I also need to remember that. I have to remember that it's okay to trust people again. I also have to remember not to be SO trusting, but also that He is the one that I can.

I'm not sure I'm making much sense in this post, but it's because we had another amazing night and although it was amazing, I did wake with a migraine. Those pills make me so darn dizzy!

It was a late night and I don't think that He did as much to me that He planned on. I feel lately we don't get very much play time. And man today, do I need more!!!!!!! He has me wearing these new ben wa balls He got me. They're pretty cool. They have a ball with in the ball. So when I move I can feel them really move inside me. I also really love the new nipple toys. I love watching my nipples grow. Getting wet just thinking about them. I wonder if He will let me use them alone???? I'll have to ask. I think I'd like to use them while using the wand on myself...........maybe even use something to fuck my ass...........whew - ok, getting carried away.

So back to last night. Again...amazing. I love Daddy's cock! It's literally so perfect! The taste, the look, the feel (isn't that some commercial or something? Oh yes!!!! Cotton - HA!!!)

So here are some pics from last night.........enjoy.

PS - I'll be writing more often. This was good for me.













9/3/2016 8:02:27 AM

9.3.16 Hi all! Some new pics too :)

 
Haven't blogged because really not much has been going on. Just getting into the flow of fall. Hate when summer goes. Someday I hope Oliver and I can move to warmer climate. I need the beach.

Anyway, some simple things that we've been dealing with........

As most of you know, I've always wanted the experience of being with a woman. Oliver has supported me on that.

One day, I came across another dom that had a submissive who wanted the same. She was inexperienced with women as well.

Initially I was very excited about the opportunity, but as time went on I became more and more apprehensive. This other submissive wanted to top me. My feeling of wanting to go through with this became non existent. I was scared and uncomfortable. I didn't think my demi brain could handle that happening to me. Oliver agreed completely and unfortunately had to message the dom and explain that we had to back out.

It was disappointing, but I'm happy that we backed out before a mistake was made. My head is in a very fragile place right now. I'm still experiencing being with a new Dom (growing pains) and with the tragic death in my family......well.....just not in the right place. I am hoping some day though......

Also, of late, I have picked up a very bad habit of unintentionally trying to top. Oliver has been very patient with me, but I think He's on His last bought of patience. I topped and was punished. The punishment wasn't severe but I was warned. I don't do it on purpose, of course. I think because I get in "control mode" in my day to day life I just keep going with it and don't think before I speak or act. Good right? NOT! How do I control this? I asked Oliver if He thought this meant I wasn't submissive. I was starting to question my own being. Started over thinking and now I think I've made myself sick. Blah! When will I ever learn to just hand things over. GET IT TOGETHER KIKI!!! Geez!!!!! By the way when I say I'm topping, it's not physically. UGH I COULD NEVER! It's just verbally like what we should do for dinner. Stupid things like that.

Now for the fun stuff.............................new toys!!! YAY!!!
















8/26/2016 11:36:20 AM

8.26.16 Yummy! :)

 



8/24/2016 11:43:20 AM

8.24.16 Oops, look what happened...

 
I was laying around waiting for Daddy and look what happened.............

WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!




8/23/2016 11:01:13 AM

8.23.16 Some pic fun and update

 
Alright, boring stuff first ;) ha.

Oliver is feeling much better. Very happy about that. I am still suffering the loss of my close family member, but I know that each day will get better, and I know that while some days I may not be able to see Oliver in person, I know that I can always reach out to Him when I need to. I learned that while He may have not been able to be with me in this unforeseen and horrible circumstance, I should have realized and remembered that He is still supporting me and protecting me.

I want to thank those people that reached out to me in my time of need and understanding about what Oliver and I had gone through during that time. It was good to know that although I should have reacted better, it was still okay to feel as I did.

For those of you that reached out to me and sent your condolences, I want you to know that I truly and sincerely appreciate it. Thank you..............................from the bottom of my butt because it's bigger than my heart - ha, LOL!

So, the pics.....

Oliver and I did have some fun a few weeks ago and I haven't been able or around to post, clearly. So here you go.............................................














8/20/2016 7:36:20 AM

8.20.16 I need your help

 
I'm struggling with some things and I could really use some comments, opinions, thoughts, whatever, please.

I've known for some time that a close family member was going to pass. Still. Doesn't make it any easier. I asked Oliver to promise that he would be there for me. He did.

So last Saturday I went to hospice to say good bye. Was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I won't go in to that. They passed this Tuesday.

Wednesday night Oliver tells me that he is very ill and is sorry but won't be able to make the service on Thursday.

I literally cannot explain how I felt about this. Between the death of said person and the feeling of loss and support from Oliver I was/am devastated. This person that passed was very close to me and I really needed someone to be there for me. Oliver is my only person. I do not have anyone else. Yes, I do have family, but they needed their own support.

Since the second Oliver told me that he was unable to be there for me, I've detached myself. I have this wall that I use. It's gone back up. I don't think it's full force cement, but close. I'm angry.

Here is what I need help with.

Because Oliver is my Dom/Daddy and we are in this type of relationship (as well as dating or whatever you call it in the lifestyle), should I be feeling this way? Should I be allowed to feel this way? I have dropped all of my protocols and rules because I am hurt. Should I be doing this? I know it's wrong and I know that I am reacting to my pain to him not being there for me. Am I topping? I'm making decisions on my own. Am I just trying to hurt him back? I don't know what I'm doing. In our type of relationship, what would have been the proper protocol here? Should Oliver have sent something or someone in his place? I need to know what should have been done and I need to know what I should be doing. I am in no way saying what I am doing to him right now is right. I'm reacting to my pain. I know Oliver was sick because he would not intentionally hurt me like this. So please, if you comment (which I hope you do), don't say anything harsh about him. Sick is sick. Nothing you can do. I just really want to know what I should be doing right now. How should I be acting? Should I be punished?

I need to know when your Dom hurts you so bad, how do you react? What do you do?

I've still yet to see him because he is still ill. Perhaps still because I'm dealing with the loss and still have no comfort I'm still hurt and angry.

Please help....

8/9/2016 12:46:23 PM

8.9.16 A lesson learned with pics (pervs ;))

 
It's taken me several days to figure out what I was going to say here. Big things happened. I learned a hard lesson this weekend. My mind was not my own...........

I was really looking forward to this past weekend. I was eager, and very much so, for playing. Oliver had made a bunch of new purchases I was excited about seeing. Our toy basket is becoming very full. May need to go into a chest of some sort at this point. Maybe something even with a lock on it? Anyway....

We had plans to go out late in the evening on Friday night so we had, instead, got an early start before going out. We usually play when we come back home.

I was just wearing a robe as I had just gotten out of the shower. I was walking towards the bathroom to do my hair when Oliver stopped me. He faced me and put His big arms around me and held me. We stayed there for a few moments. He then turned me around and removed my robe. I loved the feeling of the soft robe leaving my shoulders and then the feel of His hands on my skin. He inspected my body as He always does.

This time when I bent over He made me stay there longer than usual. He told me He was finally going to mark my ass. I felt something on my backside, but it was something smooth and not what I expected to feel. Then I heard Him take pictures.

He stood me up and showed me what He did. With a black body crayon He wrote "Daddy's Fuck Toy". I was marked.

Right now I can't tell you exactly what I was feeling at this point because of everything that happened after. I only remember some of the things that were done to me and a feeling of numbness.

I was put down on my stomach over an ottoman. My ass and pussy bare to Him. I started feeling my ass being hit with several things. I remember the flogger and I think the crop. His hand, and then the feeling of what I thought was the ball. It was painful, but I kept going. At some point my fox tail was inserted into my ass. I was being spanked again with the same. His hand and what I thought was the ball. I remember Him saying to me that He wouldn't have to spank me so much if only my ass would stay red (aka Buns of Steel). As He pulled on the tail, He told me to hold it in. Fight back against the pull. I don't recall being so good at it. But again, my memory of the events are a little fuzzy.

After He removed the tail, the hook was inserted into my ass and connected to my collar. At this point I was unable to move at all. If I moved my head a certain way, I could feel the hook in my ass. The spanking then continued....................and then the wand was added. Oliver edged me several times before I was allowed to cum. When I came, and I came very strong several times, I remember putting my head up a bit and feeling the hook in my ass.  This also put pressure on my collar chocking me a bit.

Here is where the lesson came in...

I laid there "recovering". I heard Oliver tell me to get up and come to Him. When I turned I saw He was sitting with His pants undone. I crawled over to Him and literally, suddenly lost it. I began crying and couldn't go any further. My immediate feeling is that I needed to be cared for. To be held. As soon as I told Oliver that, He pulled me up, sat me down next to Him and held me.

I do not know what happened. I did not know why I felt this way.

Here is what happened over the next few hours and over the weekend. I was an emotional wreck. I was scared and insecure. Let me say I was NOT scared of Oliver. I was scared of Him leaving me and I was scared of where this would lead our dynamic. We both felt something changed. I asked what happened.

You see I've not had good relationships with men. That's a whole other story. But Oliver feels that I'm sort of like an onion (Shrek reference). He feels He needs to break away layers of me in order to get the FULL me. He feels that one of my layers had been broken away. That I released part of the past.

During this session I will tell you that I did not want to call my safe word because I wanted to make sure that He was proud of me, that I could take all that was given to me. There were times that I almost used it. Also during this time Oliver didn't check on me as often as He should have.

There lies the lesson. While Oliver does want to break away my layers, we should have known better than to continue like we did. I should have used my safe word, and He should have checked on me more often.

The drop I felt over the next few days was horrible. Oliver and I spoke and He took care of me, but I was a real mess. All I could have done to avoid this was to use my safe word. Please please please use your safe word. Please never push yourself! Don't take it upon yourself to push. Leave that in the hands of your Owner! Lesson learned...............................

PS-Btw.......it wasn't the ball that was used on my ass. It was the cane. AND my ass WAS finally marked, but not by the cane. It was His hand. Buns of Steel has lost.....................


























8/3/2016 11:43:28 AM

8.3.16 SO horny

 
Just sitting at my desk, at work, and all of a sudden I get this overwhelming sensation that I am crazy horny. Like a rush. And bad.

Like I want to be blindfolded and tied down on a very large table in the middle of a room. Like I just want to be fucked and used.

It's that bad.

Oliver will be over later. I know He will ease some of my angst.

I know I will get taken care of this weekend (and good). REALLY can't wait.

Oliver also bought something called a labia-spreader. Anyone ever try one? What do you think? Like it? I like the thought of being spread out for Him.

Eeep, I need to stop blogging. My hornyness is getting worse!!!!!




8/2/2016 4:04:00 PM
8.2.16 Love and past relationships

I’ve been having some thoughts lately on relationships that I’ve had in the past compared to what I have now with Oliver.

I find it very interesting and amazing that we have had absolutely no issues or drama. To be honest, I’m a bit shocked. I’m just well…..satisfied, content, happy. I’ve never had that feeling before. In the past I’ve always been worried about being left, cheated on or making sure the person I was with was happy enough with me. It was stressful. I made it stressful. This relationship with Oliver is completely different. I really do feel relaxed, like ahhhhhh. Like we have nothing going on but our lives and what we want. It’s nothing like I’ve ever had. I don’t feel like I have to worry about whether or not He wants me or likes me enough. I don’t have to create anything to make sure that He feels that way. It’s awesome. I’m very happy and very lucky oxoxo.

So when Oliver was over last night (again being taken btw - loved it as usual!!!!) we had some talk about me not capitalizing certain words out of respect for Him. I hadn’t been doing it because I felt that certain words weren’t “earned”. I made a huge mistake. I was comparing my relationship with John to what I have with Oliver. Wrong! They are such totally 2 different relationships. I can’t, and have to stop, doing that. There is only one similarity and that is how the two of these men care for me. That’s it. I should have given Oliver the respect already. How and when do other subs decide on advanced respect? Is that something I was doing wrong? Like topping? I know that every BDSM relationship is different and each makes work what is best for them, but maybe someone has a comment????

Anywho….happy August! I know this weekend Oliver told me more pics to come so keep an eye out! ox



7/26/2016 1:20:40 PM

7.26.16 My weekend

After we got home from dinner, Oliver stripped me down and inspected me. He then blindfolded me and began to tie my arms together behind my back, pushing my chest forward. He also added handcuffs to my wrists and plugged my ass. Soon after he gagged me and bent me over the large bed.
Oliver has a name for my ass. He calls it the Buns of Steel. Why? Because it seems that my ass cannot be marked. He’s tried spanking, flogging, and paddling. Tonight he was going to use a cane. The first smacks with the cane hurt really bad and I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it. As he continued, I worked my way into adjusting to the pain. Sometimes I take deep breaks in and release them slowly. It helps. Anyway, my ass was marked (as you can see), but the next morning – ta da!!!! Nothing. No bruising. Zip. Buns of Steel win again  !
After the caneing, he rigged a rope over the beams and attached the Wand to the rope, making it hang directly over my clit. Oliver then removed the ropes and cuffs from my arms and wrists, put me on the bed, and tied my legs. He brought me to the edge several times. I begged to cum. My answer was no.
I cannot recall how long he left me there, but eventually he released me.
He then does what he does so well and that’s to make me cum. I cannot tell you how many times he made me cum, but I began to beg him to stop.
After he was done taking my ass, we lay in the tub and relaxed.
I look forward to many more amazing memories with him, as well as sharing them with you.

More pictures: 
http://oliversbeajuly2016.blogspot.com/2016/07/72616-my-weekend-with-promised-pictures.html


Vertical Line

Horizontal Line
Horizontal Line
webgirly
 
 Age: 26
 Culver City, California