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Domforone
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TokenGypsy
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I will become a "Master of Aran stitches"
& learn to knit Aran sweaters!!!
I am not looking/seeking for anything other than friendship.
I'm not looking for friendship that could lead to more.
I have 22 years of exp in the "stuff" that I do :) However, I am still learning and growing all the time. There are so many things that I have yet to learn about or try.
I am currently on three journeys:
The first journey started 9/10/08 with a WONDERFUL Dominant friend of mine :
Master Josepho. What started out as an e-mail friendship of two years, grew into a wonderful relationship based on the dynamic of Dominant/submissive.
I presented Him with a formal petition to train under Him to one day become His owned and collared slave.
The path to becoming His owned and collared slave was a wonderful journey. It had it's ups and downs like any relationship, but I was blessed to have a very patient, caring and understanding Dominant leading me. He went slow and made sure that W/we had a strong foundation first.
W/we had O/our ups and downs, but though it all, W/we made progress. Sometimes, it was small baby steps. W/we'd have set backs, where I'd take a few steps backwards, but they were never seen as a failure, but one way that didn't work. So, He would try to find another way that would work for me. Every set back was a learning experience, that would send me many more steps ahead.
Over time, W/we went from Sir/girl to Dominant/submissive & Master/slave. Everything just flowed naturally. We didn't have a set time period for things to happen. At the time W/we grew into Dominant/submissive, I had become His owned property.
Training and service continued. He became stricter, firmer and more demanding. While I thrived under these conditions and 18 months into our relationship, I became His collared slave as well as His owned property. W/we continued to grow and bloom together. Constantly exploring and trying new methods and adding to past methods used. I can say that He never set me up for failure, but always gave me the tools to be successful.
At the start of 2011, He had a tragic event in His life.
A few months later, He released me. He did this because He felt that He was unable to keep up with the duties that He felt a Master should to His property.
W/we still remained in communication with each other and in time, I offered to serve Him. He accepted. I was still training under Him to become the slave that I desired to be and was able to have a safe place with a trusted and respected Dominant with whom I was able to serve to the level I needed, wanted and desired to. I was able to just be the slave and He was able to just be the Master during the times that W/we spent together.
Then as life would have it, another bump turned up along O/our journey. This time, it was personally with my Sir. He needs time to heal and work though many issues in His life. So for now, I am giving him the time and space that He needs.
W/we will always be friends.
I am patiently waiting until He is able to contact me again. Until then, He is always in my heart, mind and soul. I am forever grateful for all the hard work, time and effort He put forth into O/our relationship. I know that if I were in the same position that He is in, that He would do the same for me.
The second journey (aprox. summer 2011) is one that I am very excited about.
I've recently sent a formal petition to Ms. Khiki to help mentor me in the ways of The Leather Community: it's rules, rituals and protocols.
My formal petition was accepted (9/15/11) and W/we are on O/our way to begin my Leather Journey.
I have already earnt my boots! Will be working towards earning my belt and vest.
The third just recently started with another dear friend of mine (1/12/12).
I asked Him to help guide me and allow me to serve Him. He accepted, as I've been running amuck without the guidance of my Sir. I am very blessed to have Him in my life.
Self-imposed labels: girl - slave - submissive - service oriented - puppy - object - toy
Things I like: to serve, please & obey - the exchange of control - to be useful, productive and needed
Things I need: protocols - rules - boundaries - limits - structure - short leash - tight collar - firm/strict hand - to just be a slave
Since so many ask me what my interests are or what I like about BDSM, I'll share. What I'm into are relationships based on the Master/slave dynamic. I enjoy the exchange of control. Control that is freely and willingly given up & in turn that is freely and willingly accepted. I enjoy service in ALL of it's many wonderful forms. I am also into the Leather Community & it's Culture.The activities are fun, but they are just the icing on the cake. For myself, it's much more then activities, sex and orgasms
profile updated 2/8/12
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I dislike the fact that at times I crave attention & touch |
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One more day until my Sir returns home.
The girl hopes that the trip did Him some good.
The girl is giddy as a school girl the night before Christmas, eagerly awaiting to see what Santa brought her the next morning.
The girl is like a excited dog whose Owner has come home from being gone all day. The girl will impulsively kneel at His feet, kiss the tips of His shoes & do all in her power to show how eager and willing she is to serve, please, obey and entertain Him.
The girl shall be aroused, excited and wet as a sign of respect and a sign of the pleasure she receives from being an object of pleasure, service and entertainment for her Sir. To be bent to His will.
The girl eagerly awaits for her Sir to place His collar around her neck and to be at the end of His leash, that signals the exchange of power from her to her Sir. A time when the girl is the slave and Sir is the Master. A time when T/they are able to just "be". |
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Hard to believe that it's been 9 months since I was released. *sighs* |
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To my Dear Sir...
The girl eagerly awaits the time when she will be able to kneel at Your feet.
To serve, please, obey and entertain You.
Where the girl is able to be the object of pleasure, service and entertainment for your wants, needs, desires, demands and entertainment.
To be able to feel the sting of Your crop.
The girl craves, wants, needs, desires to be bent to Your will and Your demands.
To kneel at Your feet, while in Your collar at the end of Your leash. To be able to freely and willingly give up total control to You and for You to freely and willingly accept that control.
To be able to feel and see that control. To be completely submissive, submitting and enslaved by You during the time we are just the Master & the slave.
Until that day, W/we are both doing what is needed to be done.
W/we're both both doing what is hard, but the alternative is much harder. You, Sir are always in this girl's thoughts and prayers.
Sending You healing thoughts and positive energy Your way with the hope that You are able to find Your way to peace, balance, contentment and wholeness.
Always Yours,
girl kei
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The girl doesn't know the exact date, but she was told by her Teacher, Ms. Khiki that the girl had earnt her boots. Now to continue on the path to learn about The Leather Community & it's culture. On to earning her belt & vest!!! |
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I wanted to enjoy kickboxing class tonight. It seemed/looked fun, but my joints had other plans. I was VERY discouraged because my joints and lower back were hurting too much to enjoy the class. Living with osteoarthritis sucks!!! |
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I am finally getting the hang of being the best possible me that I am humanly possible of being...that means having self acceptance of myself, learning to have faith, trust and believe in myself and my personal truth & not letting the past interfere with my present. At times, stepping outside of our comfort zones are scary, but we'll never attain growth if we never do. Sometimes, we need to let go of people, places, things, situations and memories that cause us to stay stuck in the past and keep us from finding peace, contentment and balance in our lives. The things that hinder us from being able to fully accept and embrace the "truth" that is within each and every one of us. |
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It all starts with drinking straight out of the carton.
That's the gateway to rebellion!!!
Oh and deciding that it's okay to "rid" yourself of friends with whom you're only friends with cause you've known each other since grade school, yet neither of you have anything in common and they only communicate with you, when they need something otherwise you don't exist to them. |
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Sometimes in life, your tastes grow up. Just because you liked something when you were 8 doesn't mean that you're going to like the same thing when you're 40. Sometimes, you need to let go parts of your past to be able to move forward in your life. Sometimes, growing pains hurt, but in the end you need to do what is in your best interest in order for you to find peace, balance and contentment in your life. Sometimes, you just grow out of things. |
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I am patiently waiting for my Sir to feel better. Looking forward to being able to spend time with him in the near future. Always, sending you healing energy & love Your way. xoxoxo, girl
For my Sir:
Thank You for being the best possible You that You are able to be. Thank You for doing all that You need to and should do to help with Your recovery. Thank You for making sure that You're getting enough rest and relaxing, that You're not doing anything too strenuous. The girl will continue to do what she needs to, as Sir will do what He needs to, so that W/we'll be able to spend time with each O/other soon. The girl looks forward to being able to serve, please, entertain & obey You in the not so distant future. The girl looks forward to wearing Your collar, being at the end of Your leash & giving You total control of her.
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My "Lame-ish" Life
When people ask me what I've been up to & what's going on in my life, I usually say "nothing". It's the "normal" Mom type stuff for the most part. My life is filled with taking the boys to places like museums, camping, the park & hanging with friends Diane, Holly & Michelle. We do "kid" stuff. Though on a wild night, Diane & I will attend knitting group & get all hyped up on our Frapachinos. I ♥ my live & wouldn't change a thing about it.
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Hung out with "fluffy" friends tonight. Hadn't seen one since High School, the other in about 7 years and the last once saw her sometime this spring. It was just odd & I felt out of place. |
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my results for a silly quiz that I took online...
You Scored as Submissive
(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.))) It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.
Submissive 100%
Experimental 86%
Bondage 71%
Masochist 71%
Switch 43%
Vanilla 14%
Sadist 14%
Degradation Lover 0%
Dominant 0%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur 0% |
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Sometimes in life, you're blessed to find what you want & need in the same situation. When this happens, it's like having your cake and eating it too & makes you feel very blessed & grateful. |
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I just remembered that there is Ice Cream Cake leftover from last night!!! |
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Events with alcohol...
I've begun to realize that I have issues being at events where there is a great deal of drinking. I am not against people drinking, as I like a to have a drink here and there, but having been in a relationship with an alcoholic. When ex would drink, he'd become an "instant asshole" & I'd be on the receiving end of his abuse; mentally, emotionally and physically. This is one of the reasons, I shy away from events where there will be a bit of drinking. It's just a huge trigger for me. :/ |
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Yesterday (07/08/11) was a day of a lot of firsts: vacuum pumping: nipples & clit, sounding, catheter use, pussy torture, fucking machine & forced urination. |
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"You are the Answer:" Defining the Question
*The process of self-exploration - HOW you do that?*
Over the past 3 years, I've been on a journey of self discovery and self acceptance of myself in all areas of my life. Trying to get to the root of issues from my past that still cause me troubles today: poor coping skills, communication failure, flashbacks, triggers, fear, anxiety, self embarrassment, self shame and being self conscious to name a few. I've been doing a lot of "exploring" and introspection. I've been doing my best to see that I am a "good girl" and that I am responsible. That being a slave , object and service oriented doesn't e in any negative ways and that I can still be a good Mom, friend, daughter and person.
*How people "do the work" - what do you actually literally do to try to know yourself better?*
I do a lot of thinking, reading and exploring. I tend to take everything in and then sort through all the information that I've collected to find which items that I am able to relate to and add that to how I view myself.
I also love to learn about everything and nothing, because I feel that it helps me understand and accept others, even if I would never do these things myself I like to learn about everything, because I feel that it helps me to be more accepting. I also love the hows and whys of everything: protocols, rules, boundaries, rituals and different types of interests that people like to participate.
When I'm not being shy and have found people whom I feel comfortable around and have started to have a growing friendship with, I tend to ask questions and look for other view points. At times, I tend to make things more complicated then they really are and I end up being a bit anxious, nervous and on the verge of panic.
So, right now, I'm currently trying to find my niche in this world and to find ways to explain to myself what labels best suit me, so that I am able to find a community to learn, grow and explore with.
Currently, I'm curious about The Leather Community, becoming a Bootblack, being a little & being a puppy among other things that peak my interest and curiosity along the way.
The biggest thing that I need to learn is to have self patience. There is so much that I'd like to learn and I tend to try to rush forward, trip, fall and get discouraged. Then I start to think about just giving everything up and denying a huge part of who I am and that is a slave.
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Taking a break to learn, grow and explore...
The girl is taking a "break" from all of this "stuff" that I do to learn & explore more about herself. So that she will fully be able to accept who she is completely without embarrassment, shame or being self conscious about all of this "stuff" that helps her to feel complete, at peace and balanced. That none of the "stuff" she likes makes her a "bad girl", as none of this "stuff" effects her day to day life in a negative manner. In fact, this "stuff" has helped in positive ways in all areas of girl's life.
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During Spinning Class today, I had to work on "denial". *blushes* I almost had an orgasm & climax at the same time. *hides* |
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Was doing a lot of thinking this past weekend about hang ups that I have:
1. Positive attention of any kind.
2. My self body image. Even though people are able to see the progress I have made, its hard for me to see. I am able to tell by small ways, but when I look in the mirror, I see a huge me. Well, I can notice my face getting thinner, but that's about it. Then its like who is that in the mirror?
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Spin class, Sitting in the saddle vs going to position 2/3 and doing jumps.
I spoke with J, the instructor who teaches Spin about standing up vs staying in the saddle the whole 45 min. I told her that so many seem to think that standing up is easier than staying in the saddle. I told her that I find the opposite to be true. J said that it's only easier in the saddle if you're not adding resistance, which I do. When she says to add more, I add more. I told her that with my knees being bad, that when I stand up, the pain goes up into my thigh bones. I told her that I'm doing the whole heel thing and tightening my abs like she tells us to do. J said that I'm listening and that it's better to sit than try to stand and do more damage to my knees. J said that she feels it's good for me just to be there. J made me feel much better & less self conscious about not doing the standing and jumps and stuff.
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I exercise, watch what I eat, get enough sleep & drink water like a fish. My muscles are getting toned, losing fat & clothes are bigger. Yet, my scale says I'm gaining weight. I'm so sad & annoyed.
So, why is it that when I wasn't going to the gym (only taking 4 classes a week & going 4 days a week), I lost weight, but I think that I lost muscle too. Though it was nice to see the scale almost break below 150 lbs.
Now that I've been going back to the gym on a regular basis(10 classes a week & 5 days a week), I'm gaining weight, muscles are toning & clothes are getting bigger. It's so discouraging. I'm sooo annoyed!!! :(
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How much mail does one need to send out to trigger CM's "bulk content filter"?
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Had another good chat with Sir J this morning. Sorting out more things, learning to accept and things like this!!!
So, last night I had some more weird dreams. The dreams seem to be about unresolved issues from the past and current fears, worries and concerns. They really are effecting my sleep & I've been waking up more tired then when I went to sleep.
Went to Old Navy and bought 4 shorts & 4 bras - spent $87.00. That's not too bad considering all of my bras are about 3 years old and falling apart. I have 4 pair of shorts that are at least 10 years old, so it was about time I purchased some new ones. I need them for every day wear and the gym too.
I was feeling a bit blue about the up coming birthday and turning 40. My boys are getting older, growing up and moving up into the higher grades. It all kind of gets me down a bit, but it's going to happen. It's life. The past few years leading up to this year, I've been learning more about myself. For the longest time, I hadn't a clue who I was and it was like I lost myself to whom I really was. I was Tony & Will's Mom. I lost myself.
Sir J has helped me to discover myself and helped me to accept a part of myself who had been denying a huge part of herself. Thus, I wasn't able to be complete, whole, balanced and content. I had to accept that I thought outside the box and that I wanted, need and desire as far as relationships go fall far outside the "norms of society", but that they didn't make me a bad person. That I had a safe place & person with whom to just be and for him to just be. For the rest of the world to melt into the background and we can just be ourselves completely. Raw and uninhibited. Without shame, embarrassment, humiliation, harm, abuse or anything along these lines.
I was thinking about "love". I was thinking about how people want to "fall into love" & to "be in love". They are looking for a physical & sexual attraction. They want a boyfriend, a lover, a husband. They want to live together and have a "traditional" family.
I really don't need "love", but I do need care & concern. I need to feel safe, secure and cared for. I guess it's because I'm not a romantic. In many ways, I don't feel like a "girly girl". It's hard to explain, but some of it has to do with how I was raised and maybe the fact that I have aspergers plays into that as well.
I know what I want, need and desire. I've found someone who desires similar in a "relationship dynamic". Currently, we are in a relationship based on the dynamic of D/s. In this dynamic, we have worked out rules, protocols and boundaries for how things will go during service meetings. We've agreed to everything. We continue to communicate, address concerns and to answer questions that I have and work them out. To talk about our desires and our pleasures. About control, obeying, pleasing, serving..Sir J knowing that I need, desire, crave and hunger a tight leash, tight collar & a firm hand. Strict and demanding. Consensual non-consensuality is how we work when it comes to service, pleasing and obedience to Sir J during service meetings. I am able to be a slave, the slave who is able to serve, please and obey a Master, the Master that is able to enjoy a slaves service as much as a slave gains pleasure from serving. It's a mutual arrangement where we're both enjoying ourselves. We're able to be ourselves without any judgement. Total and complete acceptance. Freedom to just be. Such pure bliss during those moments when we're spending time together as a Master & a slave.
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Having a climax by itself, isn't all that.
Having an orgasm by itself isn't all that.
BUT, having a climax & an orgasm at the same time is like WOW.
First time for me was the other night.
Who would have known?
Not me, that's for sure.
Is this what everyone goes "OMG" about?
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Beauty & the Beast - lyrics to - Be our guest
Lumiere:
Ma chere Mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride
and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly presents -
your dinner!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie
And we'll provide the rest
Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve
Try the grey stuff
Chip:
It's delicious
Lumiere:
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes
They can sing, they can dance
After all, Miss, this is France
And a dinner here is never second best
Go on, unfold your menu
Take a glance and then you'll
Be our guest
Oui, our guest
Be our guest!
Lumiere and Chorus:
Beef ragout
Cheese souffle
Pie and pudding "en flambe"
Lumiere:
We'll prepare and serve with flair
A culinary cabaret!
You're alone
And you're scared
But the banquet's all prepared
No one's gloomy or complaining
While the flatware's entertaining
We tell jokes! I do tricks
With my fellow candlesticks
Chorus:
And it's all in perfect taste
That you can bet
Come on and lift your glass
You've won your own free pass
To be out guest
Lumiere:
If you're stressed
It's fine dining we suggest
Chorus:
Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!
Get your worries off your chest
Let us say for your entree
We've an array; may we suggest:
Try the bread! Try the soup!
When the croutons loop de loop
It's a treat for any dinner
Don't belive me? Ask the china
Singing pork! Dancing veal!
What an entertaining meal!
How could anyone be gloomy and depressed?
We'll make you shout "encore!"
And send us out for more
So, be our guest!
Lumiere:
Be our guest!
Chorus:
Be our guest!
Mrs Potts:
It's a guest! It's a guest!
Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!
Wine's been poured and thank the Lord
I've had the napkins freshly pressed
With dessert, she'll want tea
And my dear that's fine with me
While the cups do their soft-shoein'
I'll be bubbling, I'll be brewing
I'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes! Is that a spot?
Clean it up! We want the company impressed
Chorus:
We've got a lot to do!
Mrs Potts:
Is it one lump or two?
For you, our guest!
Chorus:
She's our guest!
Mrs Potts:
She's our guest!
Chorus:
She's our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!
Lumiere:
Life is so unnerving
For a servant who's not serving
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon
Ah, those good old days when we were useful...
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Ten years we've been rusting
Needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!
Most days we just lay around the castle
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!
Chorus:
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Our command is your request
It's been years since we've had anybody here
And we're obsessed
With your meal, with your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
While the candlelight's still glowing
Let us help you, We'll keep going
Course by course, one by one
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!
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Time spent with J...
Yesterday was wonderful.
It was great to spend the morning with Sir J.
Being able to serve, please and obey him.
It was nice to get all the hugs and pecks too.
I was in my safe place.
I found peace, balance and contentment just "being".
It's a wonderful feeling to be "wanted".
Today, I have such a calm about me: "serenity".
Hopefully, I'll get to spend time with Sir J in the not too distant future.
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Hot flashes, cold sweats, chest pains, shortness of breath & feeling nauseous sux!! Damn that perimenopause!!! Get over now and be done with!!! |
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Me = being anti-social lately |
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Just because J isn't "my Master"...
doesn't mean that I still don't see him as a Master, as he was able to "Master" me.
It probably doesn't make much sense to anyone but me.
It's just how I feel in the depths of my mind, heart and soul.
J was able to bring the best out in me. He was able to bring out that which I already knew was inside of me, but that which I was afraid to admit and to accept.
I've never felt more free, at peace, balanced and content while I was able to just be slave: to serve, please and obey J. To be able to meet all of J's wants, needs and desires. To have J use me as he saw fit and to be slave to his will.
I was Mastered by J. He is a Master whom I respect and trust. He is a Master whom I would gladly serve, please and obey in a heart beat again, just to be able to just be a slave and have him just be a Master.
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I have been feeling a bit blue today. The chat with J yesterday helped a great deal.
I guess with any loss, I will have my good days and my bad days.
This morning, started off okay.
As the day drug on, I started to think about my safe places and they are all with J in one way or another.
Gawd, I miss him so much. I miss his touch, his scent, the warmth of his skin and just being in his presence.
I miss knowing that I was able to bring him pleasure, stress release and was a place where he could just be Master.
I miss my safe place, my stress release and just being able to be slave. To be able to serve, please and obey. The place where I was everything he desired me to be to meet his wants, needs and desires. Where I was slave to his will.
It's odd, but my mind and heart accept, but there is an emptiness in the pit on my soul.
I have such a strong need to serve, please, entertain and just be slave for him.
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Today, was the first day that I woke up and didn't think "I love my Master" & it's the first day that I don't feel owned and collared. All of me belongs to me again. |
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I had a very good and productive chat with J today. A lot of good came out of it. J will always be a friend. He will always be a Dominant whom I trust and respect. He is a Dominant whom I would eagerly and willingly serve if he desired, because I trust and respect him. I know that J would never harm me in anyway and will never take advantage of my submissive nature and need to serve.
J has offered to help when I ask for it. To help with guidance, to answer questions and to help me find balance.
I am glad to still have J be a huge part of my life. I am blessed as my life is richer by having him in my life.
Everything changes. I am just glad that we are still able to be very good friends.
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A Dominant friend told me this: Your submission runs deep, as does your complete service mindset and acceptance of such service. It is now up to you to manage it properly and do well for yourself. |
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Today, I'm feeling a bit down.
I'm feeling a bit broken.
I'm feeling a bit of a hallow.
Trying to wrap my mind and heart around it all.
It's just another part of life.
It's a part of life, we all go through the change.
We all one day stop being able to give birth from one reason or another.
It still bothers me.
It doesn't make me who I am.
I am more than the sum of my inner parts.
I'm trying to accept.
This is how things are.
Nothing can ever change this.
Just need to accept.
To make the best of what it is.
Not be stubborn.
Not resist.
Just be the me I am today.
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Had a great workout at the gym today :) Back to my back to back classes of Step & Group Power :) I'm getting back into the groove of things :) |
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I'm home :) Just need to rest a lot today. Not allowed to drive for the next 24 hours, but can go back to my normal routine tomorrow :) Yeah!!! |
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If you're not capable of writing out your words, please move on and chat/message with someone else. I can understand the use of text speech if you're on a cell texting and the normal short cuts for things like LOL and stuff.
But, when you're at a computer, netbook, laptop...etc, please type out words such as you, are and other words that people like to use text speech for.
ALSO,
If you're just looking for someone to cam with, please don't bother to ask for my yahoo to chat.
Thank you
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Not that I am going mountain climbing anytime soon, if ever. The thought occurred to me about where I am in my life at this very moment.
I am kind of at a mini cross roads so to speak. There is the path that I have been traveling and there are three paths ahead of me.
Certain things are set in stone and will never change. So these items will always be with me along my lifes journey in one way or another: my sons.
. Being sick and having lots of time to think has given me a great deal of insight into myself.
There are things that I have done and once done, my curiosity has been satiated and I am able to move on until the next item catches my fancy.
. I give my all and put my all into everything that I do. I am a very passionate person about life and living.
Sometimes we need to know when to pull up stakes and start a fresh journey of self discovery.
Something is calling to me. I am not sure what it is, but I know my journey to be slave, owned and collared has come to an end.
It has been a wonderful journey and I have many wonderful friends from all of this.
But, its time to say adieu, sayonara and goodbye to this chapter of my life.
I feel at peace, content and balanced with this decision. I am free to be me.
I was too concerned about the how's and whys of what others expected of me, that it all became so stressful and I began to loose the core of me.
The core of me is human. The core of me is Buddhist and living a mindful life filled with patience, understanding and compassion. To be the best that you can be and that you are able to offer to the world.
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Left with more questions than answers...
So, now I'm left with many more questions.
What am I letting go?
Where am I going?
What have I done?
What haven't I done?
Am I letting go of a person, concept, thought, etc?
Falling deeper into the rabbit hole, never knowing what will be found just ahead of us.
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There are some things in life that we hold on to for dear life, even when we realize that we should let go and move on.
That holding on so tightly and desperately to a dream will just in the end bring us suffering.
Something just aren't meant to be.
Its not about giving up or about failure. Its about taking another path and enjoying the journey that the new path offers up to you.
Acceptance. What happened happened and there are no regrets to what was done.
This part of my life has ended.
I have done and been what I wanted. I was close to what was my perfection. When you have touched the sun, all else pales in comparison.
Its better to let go, mourn and move on
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Watch out world, there is a rogue/ronin puppy on the loose!!!
BUT, you're safe for now, as the puppy is a bit under the weather. |
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Cutting ties...
Sometimes, they need to be done swiftly and cleanly.
Without hesitation.
It needs to be done and will be done.
No need to hold on to that which is holding you back from healing.
Sayonara.
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Is NOT a happy camper this morning. Went out to take the boys to school. Wondered why my door wouldn't open & yes it was unlocked. Until I looked a bit closer & there is a dent in the car |
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Woke up to a lost voice :( I have a sore throat, both ears hurt & it hurts to even drink water. It's like I'm drinking a cup of glass. :( |
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I currently have a head cold :( So, my mind isn't properly working at the present moment.
I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughtful and thought provoking messages to me.
Thank you for putting your time and effort into reading my journals and for sharing with me of your store houses of knowledge.
My brain is feeling a bit "blob-ish". I'm not currently able to reply to your mails properly as I'd like to. Please excuse me for the brevity of my mails. I will get back to you asap with much better replies once my brain is no longer feeling "blob-ish". |
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Pat answers...
It would be nice to have a easy pat answer to why I was released, but I never will get an answer.
I'm working on the fact that, he released me and in my mind trying to work out, that I'm free. He isn't there to serve or please.
He doesn't desire these things, as he released me. I'm not bound to anything that was freely and willingly given to him in our relationship, as he ended that.
So, there isn't an obligation on my part. It's so hard for me, as when I gave him myself completely, I never for once thought that he would be giving that back to me and in the way that he did so too: VIA email.
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Made me a profile on da Cupid site. Not sure what to tell about myself.
Maybe, I'll be able to find me a nice 'nilla guy to have a relationship with?
Only time will tell. |
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Ronin Meaning and Definition
- (n.) In Japan, under the feudal system, a samurai who had renounced his clan or who had been discharged or ostracized and had become a wanderer without a lord; an outcast; an outlaw.
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I Miss "J" so much!!!
I ONLY want to be his & since I can't,
I won't be anyone's again.
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What if the universe is wrong about me? Maybe they made a mistake?
A friend of mine told me this today, "You must be very strong and special and capable for the universe to trust you with all of this."
BUT...
What if the universe is wrong about me? Maybe they made a mistake?
Though recently, I was told that despite all of the things that have gone on and are currently going on in my life, that I'm a very cheerful person & that I smile a lot. She said that one might be grumpy and sour if they had to and have dealt with all that I'm gone and am going through.
I do know that my faith has helped me a great deal with all of these things over the years.
I do believe that the Buddha had his good and bad days. That he wasn't an never ending fountain of patience, understanding and compassion. Life is full of suffering & it's what we do that matters most in how we deal with these the things that pop up in our lives. Yearning for things that can never be or might not be will cause us suffering.
To embrace the bad, so that we are able to enjoy the good. We never fully appreciate the good times, good health and things of this nature. Then when we have misfortune, illness and things of this nature, we yearn for the good times and to be healthy. So, let us embrace everything. To count our blessings, no matter how small they are. We are truly blessed and in the worst of times, is when we truly see just how blessed we are.
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ugh...
My tummy hurts.
My head hurts.
My joints hurt.
I miss him so much.
It's hard when in my mind I still feel owned and collared to him.
I feel in limbo.
I don't know what to do, say or think.
It's over.
I know that.
How to heal?
When to heal?
Wanting to self harm, but not a good choice.
Not a good behavior.
I want to scream, yell, kick and punch things.
There is a hollow ache in my mind, heart and soul.
I feel numb.
I feel bleh.
I feel empty, lost, unneeded, not productive or useful.
Why?
Was I bad?
Too willful?
Too stubborn?
Too disobedient?
Just not cut out to be slave or even submissive material?
Gawd, I Love him so much.
Hiding that bit of me.
Should it be au revoir to being slave?
Floating, lost at sea.
No land in sight.
Tossing and turning in the wind and waves.
To be turned over and all thrown overboard.
Sinking to the bottom of the sea.
Never to be useful again.
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SO, I decided to take another self photo of myself this morning. It looked a bit better, so I took the other down & put the new one up in it's place. Though, I'm not sure how long it will take to show up. |
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Random thoughts that creep into my mind...
It has only been 19 days, but it seems like more time has passed and other days it feels like it just happened yesterday.
I find myself drifting off into a day dream & think to myself how much I <3 my Master and then I remember that I don't have a Master. I remember that I am no longer owned and collared & that I was released. The tears start to flow & the heart starts to ache again.
The body craves the sting of his crop, strap and cane. The body craves to serve, please and obey. To feel his collar around it's neck, attached at the end of his leash. The body hungers to suffer and endure for his pleasure. To be whatever was needed to suit his wants, needs and desires.
It's hard to think that I will never feel his skin against mine. His forearm against my neck. The smell of his scent and the warmth of his body.
It all fades away, like a dream that you're awaken from mid dream. You remember that it was a nice dream that left you warm and fuzzy, but you don't remember any of the details.
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Hair cut today :) It's very short compared to how it was. Kind of a drastic change, but I needed a "new me" since I was released 3.10.11 and this was the best way I could think to start this next chapter of my life. The photo is icky, because I'm sleepy from a long girl's only weekend & went to step class this morning. |
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Random thoughts
Attachment
Impermanence
Suffering
Fresh cut flowers
Nothing is forever
Beginnings
Endings
Mindful
Present
The moment
Letting go
Moving on
Stop stewing
Acceptance, regardless of understanding the whys and how's
Moving forward
Closing the chapter
Remember the good
Don't let the fear and past hold you back in your present
Lessons learnt
Growing
Life experiences
Sharing with others
Not in denial of my thoughts & feelings
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*tries to hand in her slave card & switch it for a vanilla card* |
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Why I prefer to keep things bottled up inside and be an island...
For me a lot of people often tell me that they want & need me to be open, honest, truthful and communicate. To tell them all of my worries, concerns, feelings, fears and ya know the whole 9 yards. When you do, they tell you that you're being selfish. I've also been told that there are people who are worse off than I am and that I should quite whining. Bleh...so people wonder why I keep everything bottled up and inside. Whey I'm so withdrawn and have trouble reaching out to people when they are there for me. I don't want to seem needy and a burden. People tell me that I'm not, but when the chips are down, that's usually when they abandon me. :-/
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Gonna spend the time with my boys today and leave at 5pm. We're going to watch the Dragonball Z disc 1 of season 1 that came in the mail yesterday from NetFlix when they get home from school. :) |
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Growing up, I never liked attention because it was always negative. I'm finally starting to enjoy some attention, as it's positive attention now. Makes a HUGE difference!!! |
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Thinking to hang out in NYC for the day tomorrow - 3/25. Going to meet up at my friends @ 7pm. |
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Do you ever wonder if you are really cut out to be what you most desire to be?
I often wonder if I am truly submissive. If I am cut out to be slave?
I tried so hard and did my best, but always seemed to fall short.
Maybe, I am just not cut out to be submissive, slave, object and property.
So many seem to have their "place" in all of this. Who they are and with whom they associate with and have "families" and things like this.
I am not a girlie girl, though if I could, I would love to wear yukata and kimono all the time.
I'm not into make up, clothes, purses or shoes.
I do like Hello Kitty and cute stuffs like that. To color and do crafty type things. Though, I don't think that I'm a little.
I love being a puppy.
I love being property.
I love being an object, as it's cool to be whatever is needed. Kind of like a swiss army knife that has just about everything you'll ever need in one item.
I love being slave to my one's will. Focused on their pleasure. Serving, obeying and pleasing.
I just don't fit in a nice neat box and I'm not sure if I belong anywhere.
I prefer protocol, rules and boundaries. They make me feel safe and secure.
Right now, I just want to be. But, what is it that I am, so that I can just be.
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Knees & Lower Back Issues
Saw the orthopedic doctor today. I may have lupus, fibromyalgia or psoriatic arthritis. He says the arthritis in my knees and lower back are very bad for someone my age & that they look like someone who is 49, not 39. He is having me get blood work & see a rumetologist to see what is going on & then see him in a month after I get the blood work & see the rumetologist.
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YVONNE ELLIMAN
"If I Can't Have You"
Don't know why
I'm survivin' ev'ry lonely day
When there's got to be no chance for me
My life would end
And it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears, so far, are a waste of time
If I turn away
Am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you, uh-huh, oh
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you, uh-ho
Can't let go and it doesn't matter how I try
I gave it all
So easily
To you my love
To dreams that never will come true
Am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you, uh-huh, oh
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you, uh-ho
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you, uh-huh, oh
If I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you, uh-ho
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Giving of yourself to another...
...freely & willingly.
There are no give backs, take backs or re-gifting that which was freely given & willingly given to another. There are a that are memorable. I'm not sure why I think or feel this way, but it's just how I am.
My first true love, was in 9th grade. My first love ever. His name was Craig. We dated. It was short lived. My feelings were strong for him & never wavered. We graduated from high school. Said that we'd keep in touch, but you know how that goes. We never did. The next time I saw him, was at the viewing for his funeral.
All those years since high school, I still loved him from the depths of my heart. I had dated other people, but it was never the same. It was as if I could never give that part of myself that I had given to Craig to anyone ever again.
Even when I got married, I couldn't give that part of me to him. It's not that I didn't love my ex, but I loved him in a different way than I had for Craig.
The boys and myself left my ex when the youngest was 7 months old. After a very long and trying marriage/relationship that was filled with domestic violence and ex's drinking/drugging. I had enough, almost to the detriment of my life. I tried very hard to make my marriage work. Family counseling. Ex going to rehab/detox and everything else under the sun. This is why, I don't want to ever get married again. For me, my marriage vows meant something to me and not something that I took lightly.
Now, to the present. I was released 3.10.11 by my Master. He released me & has given me my "freedom" so to speak. I freely and willingly gave all of myself to him. I loved him from the depths of my heart and soul. The depths of the oceans and the vastness of the universe. I surrendered, submitted and was enslaved to him completely. All of me belonged to him: inside and out. This is why, I never want to be owned and collared again. I will never be able to give of myself the way that I gave to J.
I wish that people could understand this. People tell me that only time will tell, that there is someone else ou there for me. When you find your "perfect match", everyone else pales in comparison.
So, like Hachiko - Japan's most faithful dog who went to the train station every day and sat for the return of his Master. I sit and wait for the return of my Master. Unlike Hachiko, who didn't know that his Master had passed away. I know that my Master is still out there. He may never return, but I will patiently wait with patience, focus and determination.
It reminds me of the Japanese troops who were stationed on Iwo Jima during the battle for Iwo Jima. They knew that they would never make it home alive & that the island would be their grave. They still fought with all of their might to help keep the mainland & their family and friends safe.
I don't know what the future will bring, but I remain loyal and dedicated to J. He may have released me, but I have not freely and willingly accepted my release. This is my choice to make and to keep.
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Japan Earthquake & Tsunami Relief
Fund by Buddhist Churches of America
Japan Earthquake & Tsunami Relief Fund by Buddhist Churches of America
JAPAN EARTHQUAKE MESSAGE
The devastating earthquake and ensuing tsunami which struck Japan on March 11, 2011 (local time) has left, in its wake, a tragedy beyond our comprehension. The enormous loss of life, the damage to the infrastructure, and the affects on the livelihoods of so many people is tremendous. Our hearts and thoughts go out to those who are suffering as a result of this natural disaster. On behalf of the Buddhist Churches of America, I express my deepest concern and sincerest condolences to those who are suffering and who have suffered such great loss. May the strength and support of your community, together with the support and wishes from our sangha members, as well as the people from throughout the world, offer your strength during this difficult time.
Gassho,
Koshin Ogui,
Socho Bishop
Buddhist Churches of America
March 14, 2011
To help donate via Paypal, please click below. You do not need a Paypal account to donate.
JAPAN EARTHQUAKE & TSUNAMI RELIEF FUND
The Buddhist Churches of America is currently collecting donations in the name of the Japan Earthquake/Tsunami Relief for this disaster. Donations for the Earthquake/Tsunami Relief Fund may be made in the following manner:
1. Donations may be made to your local BCA temple or church (checks should be made payable to the local temple or church). Donations made to the local temples and churches will be forwarded to the BCA Headquarters.
2. Donations may also be made directly to the Buddhist Churches of America National Headquarters at the following address:
BUDDHIST CHURCHES OF AMERICA
1710 OCTAVIA STREET
SAN FRANCISCO, CA 9410
Please make checks payable to the BUDDHIST CHURCHES OF AMERICA. Please note JAPAN EARTHQUAKE/TSUNAMI RELIEF in the memo section of your check.
3. Donations may also be made using Paypal.
Please send your donations to the BCA Headquarters by April 20, 2011.
We thank you in advance for your support and dana.
Gassho,
Koshin Ogui, Socho
Bishop
Buddhist Churches of America
Everett Watada, President
Buddhist Churches of America
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The Gym :)
I go to the gym Monday - Friday.
All the classes that I take are 55 min long
with the exception of spin which is only 45 min.
Group power - 2x's
Step - 2x's
Cardio Combo - 1 to 2x's a week
Muscle Challenge - 1x
Cardio Dance - 1x
Spin - 1x
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If my clothes are getting bigger, I am sliming down and the fat is going away am I gaining weight???
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I know that many people feel that objectification is degrading & humiliating. I myself never understood objectification until I met and served J.
I am very glad that we used objectification in our dynamic. For me it removed the human out of the equation. So, that helped me to never feel embarrassment or shame. I never felt humiliated or degraded. I was the "object". I was what ever he needed at the time to meet his desires.
In our dynamic, my role and place was his collared slave and his owned property. I was his girl who was a slave whom would be any object that he desired me to be for his wants, needs, desires and entertainment.
I think being service oriented helped a great deal with this as well. Not to mention all the time, effort, patience and dedication we put into our relationship.
For me having the proper mindset and focus helped a great deal. The boundaries, protocols and rules that were in place helped to keep structure. They helped to lesson possible stress, anxiety and panic.
For myself, it was about being mindful. It was about being in the moment. Focusing purely on his pleasure and just being. Learning to let go of self consciousness, self shame and self embarrassment. There was no self, but to only be the slave, property and object.
Everything that he desired me to be for his use was in my mind service. It was just being his slave, his property and his object.
When being his footstool, all focus was on being the best footstool to please him. A footstool doesn't wish to be a couch or a chair. Each item in the living room has a specific use.
The same goes for a slave who at the moment was being its Masters three hole pleasure object. The three hole pleasure object would not be thinking and focusing on how it would love to be its Masters maid at that moment. It would focus on being the best three hole pleasure object it could be. Focused on its Masters pleasure. Focused on obedience, serving and pleasing.
I loved being my Masters object as I was able to be what ever it was that he needed. To be slave to his will.
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Starting now, this will be the year of "ME". This year is about working on my current health issues: gyn, orthopedic, dental, triglycerides and weight related.
I am determined to be be physically, mentally and emotionally fit. At least working towards these goal.
Everything will take time, focus, patience and determination.
For now, there are only two important things in my life: myself & my boys.
Not to say that dear friends and family aren't important, but ya know. ^_~
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Nothing is forever...
For the past six years, I have been putting my efforts into the past thee relationships that I have been in.
From each relationship, I grew and learnt more about myself. Each relationship on the whole were positive in my eye. They each had their bumpy parts, but life isn't a smooth ride. There are always bumps, twists and pitfalls along the way.
It's what we do when these hazards knock us down is what matters. It's how we react to the situation that is in front of us.
Nothing in life is a mistake regardless the outcome. There are always lessons that have been learnt.
I can look back and see the many positive and joyous memories that each of the most recent relationship have left me. I am forever grateful for the time they were in my life. I hope that I was able to leave some positive footprints on their hearts.
One of the biggest things that is helping me at this time is all of my wonderful friends and family. Thank you all for support. Thank you for not placing blame on myself or J.
Things like this happen. It's life. Everything has a beginning and an end. Nothing is truly forever. So, enjoy the present and try your best to not project too much into the future or you may miss out on a great deal.
People come and go in and out of our lives all of the time. We never know for how long or how short. The best thing to do is to make the best of the time you have together. Leave nothing to regret. There are no should haves and could haves in life. Life is not a dress rehearsal and there are no do overs.
So, put your best foot forward and live life to the best of your abilities. Strive for excellence rather than perfection.
As long as you are doing your personal best, that is what truly matters at the end of the day.
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This past Thursday - 3.10.11, I was released from service by my Master. I have been having a hard time of it all.
For the past 2.5 years, my main focus has been his pleasure. That no matter what I did, it was for my betterment, what I had been taught and trained to do by him. His way was my way.
He owned all of me. Every bit both inside and out. Working towards complete surrender, submission and enslavement.
Everything was service, as long as it would please him. Everything was connected to service and pleasing him. All of it being connected...aroused, wet and excited. Orgasms.
They were his orgasms. I could only have two a week. Once during tasks and once other wise. Like if I were plugged and harnessed.
I had nightly tasks and daily task reports. I feel lost. I crave to please, serve and obey him.
Sleep is hard to find. Panic attacks. Ibs acting up. Acid reflux acting up. Depression.
I am released, but in my heart, mind, soul and body...they are still his.
I had finally completely opened up to him and that last wall was knocked down and then this.
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Being service oriented SUX!!! |
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HUGE big hugs to all my dear friends.
I'm very blessed to have all of you in my life.
I am very thankful for all of your words of support & hugs.
I'm sorry if I'm being distant.
I'm am withdrawing. |
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I really don't know how to open up to friends & people in general.
I know that I am very blessed to have such wonderful & caring friends.
I tend to retreat when hutting. |
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One word to explain how I'm feeling:
Discarded:
past participle, past tense of dis·card (Verb)
Get rid of (someone or something) as no longer useful or desirable.
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Sometimes; when a relationship ends & you truly have no idea what happened, it's easier to just blame yourself for the relationship not working.
At least in your own mind, you'll get some closure. |
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I'm in denial, shock & disbelief.
It's all still sinking in my mind, heart & soul.
Trying to sort it all out in my head, but it's not working.
I MISS him & STILL adore him from the depths of my soul.
It will take time, as it's only been since 7am on 3/11/11. |
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In life, nothing is forever.
Everything has a beginning & an end.
Somethings end sooner then we would like. It's life.
It happens.
Live, learn & grow from every moment in your life. |
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I'm not angry or mad at my ex-Owner/Master. I know that he is going through a very rough time right now. I'm not sure how I would react if I were in his shoes right now. I'm just hurt & feeling lost. |
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Looking for the silver lining...
On the bright side, being released will help take my mind off of the upcoming LEEP & NovaSure procedures that I'm having on the 13th of next month. Also, the fact that I have little to no cartilage in either of my knees, water and floating bits in them too. On top of a possible herniated disc in my lower back. I'll find out more when I see an orthopedic doctor. |
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If I were a puppy, I'd be a Shiba Inu. |
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