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I want to thank all of the kind and caring people here today that took the time to talk over some of my issues. I've decided to go back on a reduced dosage of hormones and to continue seeing my endocrinologist.
I think that's the first step toward achieving some sort of balance.
Thank you again to everyone who helped me today.
Kayla |
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I stopped. I stopped taking hormones. I tried to put this behind me and go back to trying to be a man. But it always cums back - this feeling that i need to serve a Real Man as a subservient sissy. Despite the rough exterior i try to present, i'm a prissy sissy on the inside -and that's never going away.
I don't know how to live like this anymore. Every time these feelings come back, they're more and more extreme. A full time Man in my life - taking care of me, controlling me, making me his pansy - my mind aches with how much i want that.
I'm just a faggot. Forever a faggot. |
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So, I'm back on a full dose of female hormones now, and I love the way I'm feeling. Despite my age, my breasts are beginning to develop, and every day it's harder and harder to hide my feminine side. Still looking for a man who wants to me to be his girl in public as well as in private - someday my prince will come. ;) |
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That time you sucked off a guy at a gloryhole and only afterward when he said he wanted to see you again and wanted you to be his submissive girl did you realize that he's your good friend's Dad. Yeah - that happened to me today. |
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Sometimes, this sissy has the best luck - went to my Adult Book Store during lunch and immediately got to suck off three well endowed guys, one right after the other. My jaw is sore, my knees are weak, i'm a sweaty, quivering mess and i love it. Serving Real Men is what I'm here for. Every day i understand and accept that a little bit more. |
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Lately, i find myself wanting to proclaim to the general public how much of a sissy i am. i want to go to a nail salon and get a mani/pedi with bright red polish. i want to get both ears and my navel pierced. i want to get a haircut that is unmistakably feminine. i want to not care anymore and just be my sissy self. |
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Sometimes I surprise myself when I realize just how badly I need and crave a husband, Daddy, Master - a Real Man in my life to make me his feminine sissy gurl. There was a time when i had convinced myself I was a Real Man. Looking back, i can't believe how much time I wasted pretending like that. Now, i'm an old sissy trying to make up for lost time. Hopefully, i can find a Real Man to help me correct my course. |
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Yesterday, I went to my favorite adult book store and joined a man in the other half of his buddy booth. He slid his long, meaty cock through the glory hole and i immediately started caressing it, getting it hard. It was really thick and i was looking forward to getting it in my mouth and pleasing him. But when I went to put a condom on his cock, he pulled away, zipped up and left. I sat there, on my knees while porn played on the screen, wishing i weren't such a prude.
Is oral with strangers all that safe? Am i making too much of a big deal about condoms and I should just suck off every cock with no protection? I don't know what to do, but i sure did want to suck that big cock.
Advice is welcome. Thank you. |
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Well, here i am again. I've tried to step away from this site - from this part of me - so many times, and yet i always come back. Every time, just a little more beaten down, just a little more tired of pretending to be a Real Man. Could i just fully accept that i am a sissy? Could i live that life? Surely, it would upset the life i have already built, but i have no real role in that life - i've always been pretending.
I've been immersing myself in hypnosis files, trying to bend the last of my male resistance until it breaks. I think that when it does break, it will be like a damn bursting and all of the femininity I've held back will come rushing through, making me the most feminized sissy gurl anyone has even seen.
One can only hope. |
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Good things cum to those who wait, i guess. After numerous visits to my local Adult Book Store where nothing was happening at all, today i was able to pleasure two very beautiful, very large, manly cocks. One was really thick, which stretched my sissy lips, and the other was quite long, and i had to control my gag reflex as he choked me, fucking my face through the glory hole. I just got home and am feeling weak from the long pounding they both gave my sissy mouth. My arms are trembling, my knees are sore and my throat feels violated...and i can't wait to do it again. :) |
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Today I was shopping for clothes at the Good will store, and had found a very nice, very feminine blouse to try on. One of the employees comes down the aisle and says to me, "Damn girl! Are you coming out today?" I blushed and pretended like i didn't know she was talking to me - i was embarrassed and liberated at the same time. And I bought the blouse. i guess i'm coming out a little bit every day. :) |
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Most days, it feels like all i am doing is trying to stifle a scream.
Funny how this was the only place i felt comfortable writing that. |
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Was soooo horny today - went to the adult book store and it seemed like every guy there was looking to suck cock, and no one wanted to be sucked off. No rainy day fun today for this sissy. :(
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I've been speaking with people on here that are encouraging me to go out dressed during the day. Of course, I've thought about this over the years, but the urge is practically overwhelming now to heed their advice and step outside during the day in full femme mode. If anyone else has done this that i could talk to, i'd appreciate it. I'm terrified. |
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Went to the shoe store today in male mode, looking for new heels in the women's section. Salesperson comes around and says, "Hello Sir - looking for the men's section?"; I say, "Nope!", he says okay and keeps moving. Every day, I care less and less what people think. |
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i went to the adult book store today, but there was hardly anyone there. i wish there was a way of letting gay men on the street know i was gay in a subtle way. Do people still use the bandana code, or are there other signs that are in use today?
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I'm trying to be as feminine as i can, even when i have to present as a guy, in the hope that a big, Dominant man will take notice and come on to me. I think i would just melt if that were to ever happen. The garbage man smiled at me the other day and I fantasized about him all morning.
I found this lip balm called "Nivea - a taste of shimmer" at the drug store yesterday and have been wearing it every time i leave the house. It's like a very light shimmery lip gloss - again, in the hope that a Real Man will see it and take notice of me.
I've given up trying to figure out where this attraction to men has come from - it grows stronger every day and before long it will completely consume my every thought. Growing up believing I was a straight guy never ever prepared me for the incredible lust i now feel for men and their hard cocks.
Every day, i stop being a man a little bit more. Every day, i care about what the public thins a little less. Every day, i try to be a better sissy. |
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Well, I tried to set up a new gmail account and may have accidentally outed myself in the process. Seems that Google likes to automatically connect your various Google accounts unless you tell it not to, which i didn't. I've frantically done everything I could to undo any damage - now all that's left to do is wait. Maybe it will turn out to be a good thing. People finding out about the real me. Maybe this is what it takes. |
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A friend on here told me that I should try to be more feminine in my daily male life. Right now I shave my whole body, use feminine deodorant, wear panties 24/7, wear girls jeans and androgynous tops when I can - and at his suggestion, I have recently been using just the smallest amount of eyeliner. I'd like to do more, but want to ease it in gradually over time, so hopefully people will accept it easier. Any ideas? |
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Dropped by the local Adult Book Store today and sucked off a couple of older guys - rarely do I feel more at home than when I'm on my knees with my mouth wrapped around a hard cock...it's where I belong. |
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I'm feeling especially old and not so very attractive (read ugly) lately. Is it in one's best interest to transition if one will never pass? Is it better to bite the bullet and continue life as a second rate man, no matter how completely unfulfilling that is? Sometimes it's all just too depressing to think about. |
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Soooo incredibly horny lately. Have not been able to get out much, so I've been channeling my lust into my Tumblr account. Check it out at http://kaylasissystuff.tumblr.com/
if you want to see what goes through my mind. :) |
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Seriously thinking about castration. Any advice would be appreciated. |
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So I've been growing out my natural hair and I think I am about ready to have it styled - looking for a feminine style that can also pass for male when it needs to. Any suggestions on a style? Also, how would one approach a hairdresser with such a request? |
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Due to medical reasons, I am off the hormones. Have been off since the new year. Some things stayed (minor breast growth, a more feminine waist) and some things went away (most of my ass and hips). I've tried to deal with it by burying myself in my work, but lately I've fallen into a funk over the whole thing. I'm feeling neither male nor female, but somewhere in between. No easy answers... |
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I'm becoming addicted to tumblr sites featuring sissies submitting to Real Men with big, juicy cocks. Do you think it's possible to hypnotize or somehow condition the brain through repeated, non-stop viewing like that? They say you become what you think about - am I destined to be a cock-sucking sissy whore? |
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Just heard back from my doctor - apparently i need to lose weight through exercise, and get more protein - any volunteers want to help me with either one? :) |
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So, here's a question - I'm very safety conscious, so when i go out to book stores, I always use condoms on the nice men that i meet. While i know it's the ultimate safe thing to do, i do miss the taste of their cocks, and the feeling of their cum shooting into my mouth. Am i being too cautious? |
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Went back to the local adult bookstore last night - spent some wonderful time sucking off a big thick cock. Sometimes though, it's hard to make Men realize that you are there to suck them off and not the other way around. What do you think would be a clear signal? |
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So, I've been growing my hair and it's gotten fairly long - almost down to my shoulders. I'm trying to figure out a somewhat androgynous hairstyle that would still let me maintain somewhat of a "male" presence, while at the same time being able to look more feminine when the time called for it. Any thoughts would be most appreciated. |
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OMG - Just came from the local adult bookstore where I shared a buddy booth with a man who fucked my face for a good long time, shoving his thick dick down my sissy throat and making me gag on it. It felt so good to have this man using my sissy mouth to get off. I hope I see him again. :) |
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