Being poly works for me. It is not greed or sexual illusion, that I am interested in. I just know that I can love more than one person. And I do mean love. A man cannot serve two masters... Not to get terribly biblical, but the line doesn't say anything about a master having more than one slave. But as in any relationship, there must be commitment. Never take one a relationship unless you are willing to commit to the well being of that person.

I'm a better, more effective man when I have a committed partner. I don't do kink casually... Pondering my search is dispiriting, as it's a process that has no clear calendar. And it troubles me to wonder, after talking with a lot of kinky girls over the past few years, whether the girl I'm seeking even exists. I'm a tall order to fill, no question, but if I don't admire a girl in multiple ways, I wouldn't want to acquire her.

 But here it is at last, written for myself as much as for you. I've tried to highlight generally valuable qualities in a submissive partner, and deemphasize things which are singular to me.

Possesses a strong will. As a friend of mine who's the master half of a master/slave pair likes to say, "A good sub has a spine of steel." Ultimately, it is inner strength that lets a sub give of herself in profound and intense ways, and carry on this way year in and year out.

Wants kink for the way it makes her feel. Doing it "for his sake" may seem like a submissive attitude, but activities which are not rewarding to her, either during or afterwards, are ultimately depleting and unsustainable.

Shares a few significant, non-kinky passions with her partner. D/s partners must have vanilla chemistry; they can't spend every minute of the relationship in a kinky fog. (For example, I go partner dancing twice a week, and if my girl wasn't into that, I'd feel like she didn't really know me.)

Attentive and curious. These are essential for a submissive partner, since she has to learn to read her dom, and to respond to his needs or goals in any situation where they've agreed she will submit.

Desires and acts on feedback. A dom may wish his girl to adjust her behavior in ways small and large over time. When I offer input, I want to hear, "Got it, thanks for telling me!" However, she may not effect big changes overnight, those usually require practice.

Grateful. I, for one, need to hear that my partner appreciates me, believes in me, feels blessed by my company and all it entails. Such offerings can help assuage occasional "dom's guilt".

Strong emotional boundaries. She's not easily offended or triggered or manipulated. What others may say to her won't knock her off-kilter or lodge in her self-perception. It's important to hold boundaries with family, colleagues, friends, and one's lover. One of the goals of D/s is to dismantle boundaries between dom and sub, but even so a sub needs to recognize it when her dom says something to her that's due to stress or confusion. (See also Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships.)

Self-esteem. This has been a challenge for many of the women I've dated, both vanilla and kinky, and thus something I've come to expect to help a partner with. But an emotionally healthy girl will have some inkling of her abilities and gifts, even if she has doubts about them in some contexts.

Communicates rationally when under stress. The ability to hold oneself together when stressed out or upset is invaluable. Of course, there are limits to how much duress anyone can withstand before they shut down or lash out.

Loves learning and is addicted to it. A big mind is a huge asset; I'd be bored by a girl who didn't devour new knowledge and share parts of it with me. In doing so, she enriches my understanding of her, the world, and myself.

Enjoys some kind of challenging physical activity. Moving keeps her in touch with her body — a big part of the brain is devoted to the body after all. The practice could be dance, hiking, running, a gym circuit, ultimate frisbee, yoga, tai chi, gardening; the list is endless. It needn't be mindless exercise for its own sake. Also flexibility and strength are particularly helpful for more intense S&M work. :-)

Awareness of nutrition. This is essential in today's food market, because competition has steadily driven vendors to offer huge portions of addictive foods at bargain prices. A healthy diet is high in lean protein and very low in sweets.

Not preoccupied with consumptive activities. I find that undertaking challenging, creative projects together, whether out in the world or at home, is more bonding than ordinary entertainments like shopping, dining out, traveling, and the theater.

Willing to push back when wise. Any dom needs a reality check from time to time. If he suggests something foolish, or is about to dive into some chasm, he'll benefit if she pipes up.

Doesn't set arbitrary limits. Claiming some kinky thing is a "limit" without reason — other than "ew!" — isn't a sign of an open mind. That's not to say that a sub should say yes to something out-there early in the relationship. Intense activities need a strong container, which takes time to build.

Aligned ambitions. Some subs have big life goals for themselves, and so may not be well-matched to doms that wish to be the sub's focus whenever she's awake. Some doms enjoy it when a sub has responsibility and authority at work; they may not be compatible with a sub who's less invested in career progress.

Chemistry. Note that the above characteristics do not create rapport with someone, in and of themselves. Chemistry counts for a lot — although having it cannot compensate for the lack of must-have features.

What's Irrelevant

Intro/extroversion. I'm somewhat introverted, and have had both introverted and extroverted partners. Both have enriched me. I would only suggest that a personality that hates crowds should not be paired with one that only thrives as a social butterfly.

Enjoys pain or humiliation. Many subs don't enjoy pain for its own sake, yet still gladly endure it, and eventually come to crave it, as a service to the dom. Others do relish certain kinds of pain, however there's always methods a sadistic dom can apply to cause distress in a sub who usually gets off on pain

A few years ago, I met a girl online who lived in Southern California. After some days of chatting online, she lobbied me for a phone call. We spoke for five hours. That began what you might call long-distance dating, a daily mix of friendly and sexy IM exchanges and phone conversations. This gal was unusually smart, charming, talented, and apparently really kinky. And she had some challenging, though not uncommon, emotional issues, which I didn't recognize right away. Or perhaps I was willfully blind to them. At that time, both my social and professional lives were, well, a bit comatose. I saw her as a lifeline.

 A pattern developed between us. I felt that we belonged together, so I would try to pull her in closer. She had her doubts, and would become grumpy or withdrawn. I would feel rejected and protest her resistance. She would dig in further. We liked each other, and we had lovely moments on occasion, so somehow we kept recovering enough from these spirals that we continued to perform them for a year and a half. I could see our dysfunctional dance, but I couldn't find a pathway out of it. That was maddening, as I like to imagine that if you can see it, you can solve it.

 Over time, as my professional prospects revived, I regained some faith in myself. I began to see our inevitable entanglements as absurd. Her grumpy refusals at my offerings of intimacy were comical. I started laughing at them, out loud, sincerely. And voilà, that broke the spell; once I was laughing, she couldn't help but laugh too. I also stopped insisting that she was the perfect girl for me. I'm happy to say that we remain good friends.

 Everyone has emotional vulnerabilities, weaknesses. Almost any time an event provokes a sudden, strong emotional response in you — anger, sadness, withdrawal, self-loathing, confusion, helplessness — the most likely culprit is one of these cracks in your psyche. The present situation or conversation has simply driven you into that fissure, triggering a response that's disproportionate to the moment.

 But suppose an acquaintance insults you? Wouldn't anger or withdrawal be an appropriate response? No, a non-triggered response to that kind of random offense is bemusement or skepticism. He's probably having a hard day; it's him that's off, not you.

 Emotional weaknesses and the responses that accompany them are typically formed in childhood, when we're all naturally vulnerable because our boundaries and understanding of people are still forming. But they can develop later in life, given repeated hard experiences. Digging into the past to discover the roots of your emotional issues may be helpful, or it may not. The key to managing them is gaining self-awareness and learning good coping behaviors. Once you stop rehearsing them, they will naturally become less poignant with time.

 Emotional issues can do serious damage to otherwise healthy relationships. When triggered, you stop thinking clearly, and may assign the current situation or loved one full blame for the strength of your hard feelings. Most lovers don't take this too well; disproportionate reactions are rattling, and being blamed for them is frustrating. The damage is even worse when one partner's reaction triggers an issue within the other, whose subsequent emotional response then re-triggers the first one. Such interlocking issues cause a kind of death spiral that's difficult to escape. Issue interlock is, in my view, the single most common killer of good relationships.

 As I recounted above, it is possible to break through issue interlock. The key skill, which anyone can learn, but is surprisingly rare, is strong emotional boundaries — knowing where your own psyche stops and another's begins. You should assume that anyone's reactions, especially strong reactions, are about what's going on in their own head, not between the two of you. If you can remember that when your partner falls down, they're less likely to pull you over as well.

 D/s relationships thrive on the exceptional, magical connection that forms between dom and sub, and the altered states that this bond allows them to venture into. When emotional issues are triggered for one or both of them, it can impinge on their D/s dynamic. If their leader and follower roles desert them, suddenly they're facing each other like egalitarian acquaintances, just when one most needs the other's support. The simplest means to stop a damaging interaction is for either partner to speak their safeword (or simply say "safeword"). Then stop talking; focus on your breathing. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to contribute to the discord. Then admit that to your partner, and ask their forgiveness. It's wise to wait a while before attempting to discuss that particular emotional vulnerability with them.

 It is essential that you develop self-awareness of your issues—what triggers them and how you react. Know that it will take time and determination to do so. It's also important that as you gain awareness, you brief your partner on your vulnerabilities. An observant partner will tend to figure them out ahead of you, and can try to steer you around or out of them, which helps in developing your own awareness. And it's crucial to learn to notice when you've fallen into one of your emotional fissures, and to remind yourself that you're not thinking clearly, and that whoever is in front of you at that moment is not the cause of your pain.

I'm a BIT busy with exams

CISSP

PMP

LSAT

so if I dont get back to you immediately then please dont take it personal.  Also, the FAMILY profile is up and running.  My dearest justdee71 is more than willing to answer anything on My behalf.

cheers

And I wonder if you know What it means, what it means

And I wonder if you know What it means to find your dreams

I've been waitin' on this my whole life

These dreams wakin' me up at night

You say I think I'm never wrong You know what, maybe you're right, aight?

And I wonder if you know What it means, what it means

And I wonder if you know What it means to find your dreams

You say he get on your fuckin' nerves

You hope that he get what he deserves

Do you even remember what the issue is?

You just tryin' to find where the tissue is You can still be who you wish you want

It ain't happen yet and that's what the intuition is

When you hop back in the car, drive back to the crib

Run back to they arms

The smokescreens, the chokes and the screams

You ever wonder what it all really mean

kwest

Captain: Keevan doesn't deserve the unwavering loyalty you're giving him.

 
REMATA'KLAN: He does not have to earn my loyalty, Captain. He has had it from the moment I was conceived. ~ It is the order of things.

Captain: Do you really want to give up your life for the order of things?

 
REMATA'KLAN: It is not my life to give up, Captain. And it never was.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

- Anais Nin

People keep asking about the symbol in my picture. We all search for years to find our identity and something that sums all of that into one visual. And some of us build a life, a future and an identity that states our goals, ambitions and needs.  I took both of those paths.  For some people that instills fear and as a Dominant man, I'm okay with that. I'm into control, of my life and everything that surrounds it. I get what I want and I'm okay with that.

The interpretation of the cross is that the first horizontal line symbolized the secular power and the other horizontal line ecclesiastic power. It is both the Patriarchal cross and the Cross of Lorraine. It is both liberation and power at the same time. The H is a family name, and it sits atop my world. Control starts at home, you cannot hope to control anyone else until you control your world 1st.

The triangle is faith, perfection and belief in things higher than ourselves. LOL... and some of this goes into things that you have to be wise enough to understand. But overall, it's power, its control and it's Me.

Also, yes it is copywritten, yes I do use it in business and yes you should get used to seeing it :-)

Woody Allen famously joked, “Don’t knock mas­tur­ba­tion — it’s sex with some­one I love.”  In most cases, “act­ing on a fan­tasy,” or even shar­ing it, endan­gers the sanc­tity of cou­pled sex­ual rela­tion­ships, even when these actions occur between the monog­a­mous part­ners.  But not for us, huh?   We lucky few, we band of brothers.  

Thing is for all of our freedoms; sometimes we need to think about what we leave behind.  Need a hint?  It’s Love stupid.   First you need to look within yourself.  Ask if true love can exist in any relationship?    Core relationships in BDSM are no different than a normal relationship. It's just structured different. Love, trust, and respect are the foundation of BDSM relationship. People not in the lifestyle see BDSM as just consensual beatings and emotional abuse. But WE should know better.  We try to be sooooo different, so evolved beyond vanilla that we forget basic relationship skills.  Hell, we forget basic decency skills.  A compatible Dominant or submissive is a series of trial and error circumstances that require people to grow and develop. Beneath the veneer of BDSM lies the much more complex dance of human interaction no different than any other. Just because a person exhibits Dominance or submission, means nothing more than devotion in any other sense.

So yes, the question of love is often brought up.  Simply put, can love exist in BDSM?

Answer: Yes it can, but not if you seek some idealized love in books and movies.  We spend so much time looking for love that we often over look the plain and ordinary real love for the exciting and lustful love which often boils down to just sex. 

Finding a Dominant is something that should be approached with a level head a clear idea of your needs and desires. Your being submissive doesn't mean you have to go about with the first person who claims Dominance.  The same is true for finding a submissive.   Should you go for anyone that listens to your word?   Or should you also look for someone you can trust with your innermost thoughts.

Yes, I know ….  When it gets hot and heavy; things can be forgotten. Just as in vanilla (more traditional in comparison) relationships.  It’s called infatuation.  

A true Dominant is of course hard to find and when you do cherish it. Of course as with the normal dating scene you'll run into your fair share of losers. Just don't let the bad apples spoil your journey into domestic bliss.

Placing that much trust in an individual is the most basic form of love.

PS. This is not pointed at anyone, just a reoccurring theme that I seem to find from the US to Hong Kong.   People are people, but to get to the deeper and lasting areas of BDSM takes at the very least love through friendship and trust.

Spanking...bare bottom, panties, clothed, all of the above....
 
I find that I like to give spankings in several different ways.  Mostly I enjoy over the knee spankings.  I sit on my bed with a back rest behind me, and I have within reach, all the paddles, slappers, etc that I like to use. 

In the years to come, I gave many a playful spanking.  Just for the pleasure of watching someone twisting, giggling, and trying to get out of it. Hard to believe that something which started out as a playful pat on the ass with my first serious girlfriend; would become something that I HAD to have for the rest of my life.  The more she protested, laughingly telling me to stop, the more I did it. And getting playful spanks always, always led to making out.   I think my first girlfriends realized I liked giving pain and for some reason I was able to convince them to go along with it.  (manipulation)

Once upon a time I had a naughty girl who liked to wear men's vintage shorts, so I would spank her over the shorts when I "discovered" that she was wearing them (never said I didn’t have issues).  Often I have her try on several different pair to show me how bad and slutty she could be, and to admire that which I was going to make bright red. Then, I would demand that she take them off for a bare bottom spanking.  I would have a wide assortment of tools for all sorts of marks.  Perhaps I even got carried away because after a while she would bring her own so that I didn’t use my hairbrushes and smaller, stingy paddles on her!  (oh happy innocent days)
 
I'm quite tactile, so I like to do a lot of rubbing during a spanking.  Feeling the material of panties or other clothes can be very nice for me.  Raking my nails on the fabric in different directions can give both of us a cool sensation.  Also, it's like there's a different sort of heat that is generated from spanking a bare ass compared to a clothed ass.
Overall, it's taking charge.  It's imposing your will on another person.  It’s the ultimate “BECAUSE I SAID SO DAMMIT”. 

Its primal and I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

If you wish to grow closer to your submission and bring a spirituality in your service, you can look no further than your own religious exposure, whether you own or someone’s stories.

• Find a quote, mantra or mediation that means a lot to you and your service. Memorize it and say it often.
• Practice mediation techniques so that you can find your inner peace easier.
• Find a way to worship your owner. This can be by ritual bathing, foot worship, or other body part service. It can also be learning new skills to enhance your service with your owner in mind. Massage is one that I think of.
• Perform your service with focused slow steps. Develop your grace. Do every step with purpose and meaning.

Each of these ideas can help you connect with the spirituality of your service and will provide you with a new way to be intimate with your Dominant.

MY work "IS" Torture ... 

I've ALWAYS loved pain.  The fact that all "sane" society views it as wrong; only serves to make it more attractive.  Ever since I was little I've had what I guess you could call 'fantasies' about hurting people. When I was 5-8 yrs old I used to torment my classmates by not letting them go to the bathroom. After arriving home from school I would sit and think about it and how much pain they were in. I remember this so clearly and enjoyed doing it and thinking about it.

Torture, watching torture, decapitation, or execution, are timeless innate pleasures of human animals. This pleasure development began when in a survival conflict, either one die or one kills his enemy.  Torturing and execution is a spectacle before modern times. Back to BC ages, we have Amphitheater of Rome for example, where slaves were fed to non-human carnivore in the name of Warrior pits Beast.

Of course what WE practice is a sort of Civil Torture.   It has a kinship to the real thing, and don't kid yourself into thinking they are not related.  WE push limits, but WE follow the limits.  But the joy of seeing someone suffer and the pleasure of the person receiving the pain; IS one of the most beautiful things in the world.  Even Freud suggested that the sadomasochist generally desires that the pain be inflicted or received in love, not in abuse, for the pleasure of either one or both participants. This mutual pleasure may even be essential for the satisfaction of those involved.

I have heard it said that sadist hate themselves and thus punish others.   I think I'm GREAT, not perfect ... but REALLY GREAT.  And I still love hurting people; because it's not wrong when the person receiving the pain enjoys it.  When it's mutual; then it's a beautiful balance. The counterpart of sadism is masochism, consisting of sexual fantasies, urges or behavior that involves being beaten, humiliated, bound, tortured, or otherwise made to suffer, in order to enhance or achieve sexual excitement.

Nonetheless, lets remember the following:

SM:

An SM scene is a controlled situation.

Abuse:

Abuse is an out-of-control situation.

SM:

Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene.

Abuse:

One person determines what will happen.

SM:

Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties.

Abuse:

No consent is asked for or given.

SM:

The "bottom" has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons.

Abuse:

The person being abused cannot stop what is happenning.

SM:

Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others.

Abuse:

No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.

SM:

The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.

Abuse:

Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.

SM:

After an SM scene, the people involved feel good.

Abuse:

After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.

ENJOY THE ACT, BUT ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT COMES WITH IT ;)

:: FAKERS BEWARE ::, :: I AM ALREADY OWNED, BUT I WILL FLIRT ::, :: I LOVE BDSM, AND WILL SHARE IT WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU DON'T NEED A PICTURE OF ME OR WANT TO MEET IN R/L :: 

I am not Lord of all (it sounds like it would be fun though); and I am certainly not one to judge others.  But I'm curious of the point of it all.   In my opinion, internet BDSM is great for making friends, sharing ideas and minor personal growth.   But for having a real life BDSM relationship, it sucks.  And honestly, I think people who don't know the difference also suck. 

I mean really?  Don't you get sick of the seeing the same people over and over for years and they're still looking for the BDSM love of their life?  And really IS it always the other person that did you wrong?  Or are you failing to look at some deeper issues?

If you refuse to turn off the pc which I find foolish but hey, it's your life, tread these waters with eyes wide open. This is not nirvana. This is not the answer to life's problems. A dominant or submissive in your life is not going to bring you instant happiness. But Kaligula! I want happiness! Happiness in life is within you. It has nothing to do with what is in a chat room. But Kaligula there is no passion in my life! I need passion! Passion comes from within. You either are already a passionate person or you aren't. No one else will MAKE you passionate. The previous two items are regular vanilla needs. Happiness and passion. Dominance and submission are not the keys to the Emerald City and I can safely tell you from experience that online chat rooms will more than likely cause you pain and self doubt. Turn off the pc.

Reality Check #1

If you wish to get online and lose yourself in a fantasy world, that is your choice. BUT, if you desire to learn more about D/s and strive to participate in a D/s relationship in real life,(no delusional people...online is NOT real) for the sake of my sanity and others....enough with the silks,cascading hair, and imaginary drink service!! Behave as you would in real life and do not expect a harlequin romance novel. ( I'll flame about the harlequin stuff later)

Clue # 1

Real Doms are more interested in who you are as a person than your measurements, sexual likes/dislikes, and limits.

And while we're on the subject!!!

Real submissives actually submit. And......they submit more than just their bodies and do not only submit when they "feel like it." Submission is not always easy and despite what those in chat rooms think, in order to be a cherished sub, you will give of yourself even when you may not want to. What the hell is a bratty sub?   I don't have to scream at you to keep you in line.  It's you who has to get in line with your Dom/Domme.  If not, the power structure is off place.  And as I said in the title "What's the point?" 

NO, I didn’t say kneel before everyone who demands it … but be straight forward with people who are trying to be straight with you.  Do some soul searching, live a little, be honest and for god sake grow a pair, BEFORE you run through and RUIN a bunch of good people online.

And now I will stop ranting and raving about being on the computer, while I too am on the computer :)

Within an S/m relationship, control, or the illusions of control function in many ways. Prior to going further I wish to make clear that the Top, Sadist or Dominant does not really exercise 'control' over the bottom, masochist or submissive. What really happens is an exchange of compliance. The Top appears to direct the bottom and the bottom appears to comply. This range of actual control is based entirely upon the voluntary compliance of the bottom. If and when a bottom should cease to actively participate in compliance to any directive then the illusion of control vanishes.

If you attempt to impose 'control' or direction on an unwilling person you will quickly discover that your control was illusory. If you try to impose direction against the express wishes of the individual you will find that this action of betrayal will eventually destroy your relationship - again a failure. Violation of 'influence' should be guarded against. Do not take advantage of your partner, nor allow your partner to take advantage of you.

Pain

Pain itself is a very com­plex topic. It has been researched for dec­ades and while we under­stand fully how pain recept­ors and chem­ic­als involved work, we still do not quite under­stand how pain inter­acts with our body. To get a good under­stand­ing on the basics of Pain I would sug­gest you go and read the art­icle pub­lished by the National Insti­tute Of Neur­o­lo­gical Dis­orders And Stroke.
The most basic dis­tinc­tion you can pos­sible make are two kinds of pain:

• chronic pain
• acute pain

We are not inter­ested in chronic pain, as we will go with the med­ical defin­i­tion of it. What are you inter­ested in is the effects of acute pain and most of the time that will be due to a trauma inflic­ted on your slave’s body or muscle pain due to pro­longed use or binding.

Honesty is speaking truth

and creating trust

in minds of others. This includes all varieties of communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Honesty implies a lack of deceit. A statement can be strictly true and still be dishonest if the intention of the statement is to deceive its audience. Similarly, a falsehood can be spoken honestly if the speaker actually believes it to be true. Conversely, dishonesty can be defined simply as behavior that is performed with intent to deceive.Lying

by commission

, lying by omission

, fraud

, and plagiarism

are all examples of this sort of behavior. Other examples can be doing one thing and telling the other, as if you are hiding something.

Honesty is typically considered virtuous behavior, and has strong positive connotations in most situations.

.:CAUTION:.
This is a rant. It's based on my own personal experiences in the BDSM community.
Some people may not like the characterizations in here. You've been warned.

The "7th Level Antler-Headed Yak Boy (fourth house, nineteenth tax district)" types.

These are the guys (and they're almost always men) who form elaborate societies with intricate rules and protocols, and give themselves incredibly flowery titles (which they insist on using to refer to themselves, and may insist that others use as well) to boot.

There's nothing wrong with any of that. The problem comes from the idea that once you've mastered someone's list of rules, probably yanked from some old pulp science-fiction novel, that you've mastered all the intricities of domination and submission, and you're now fit to rule the world or some damn thing. You haven't; you've just memorized someone else's rules. D/s is arguably one of the most complex forms of all human relationships, and it's different for everyone--something that works for one person doesn't apply to another. Mastering one set of protocols no more makes you an expert than mastering macaroni and cheese makes you a five-star chef.


The pathologically insecure.

These people often refer to themselves exclusively as "Master (or Mistress) Thus-and Such," and are more than happy to describe you exactly, in great deal, how and why they've mastered the fine art of BDSM, and why you should be grateful to sit at their feet and pick up such crumbs of arcane knowledge they see fit to provide.

Disagree with them, even about something minor, and the entire elaborate facade built to protect their insecurities comes crashing down. You have not seen histronics until you've suggested to such a person that perhaps there's some element of D/s he hasn't considered.

Hint: Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.


The Domly Doms.

These guys--and again, they're almost always guys--self-identify as alpha males; they strut, they preen, they impress one another with the size of their stables of submissives. Their submissives never stick around for long; the stables rotate, because at the end of the day, interspecies dating never works. It's just too damn hard for a human submissive to maintain a romance with a peacock.


The completely unsocialized.

These are the ones who can make a convention of stereotypical computer nerds point and say "Damn, those people have poor social skills!" (And yes, I know that the stereotypes of computer nerds are quite often wrong.)

Many of these guys lead one to suspect that they're part of the community because no other community'll have them.

Hint: I understand foot fetishes as much as the next guy, but do not walk up to me and, without introduction, ask me to take off my shoes. Especially if you don't know my sexual orientation and you're a guy. What's that, you say? There's nothing sexual about feet? Well, guess what--anything that arouses you or gets you off is an intimate act, even if, in a different context, it might be completely benign.


The One True Wayers.

These are usually the people in "TPE" (total power exchange) relationships--people who live acting out a full-time master/slave relationship, who sneer at the "players"--namely, those who don't live their entire lives in their roles--and especially those who (oh, dear God) switch roles.

Hint: If you predicate the whole of your romantic relationship, and indeed the whole of your life, along a single axis, don't think even for half a second that you have a deeper understanding of D/s than those whose experience is broader and whose palettes are wider. You want to live in a master/slave relationship? Hey, that's cool, whatever turns you on. You want to think that gives you a better understanding of the right way to do it? Go sit in the back of the bus with the Baptists, the fundamentalist Muslims, and all the other yahoos who think there's only one right way to live.
The You-Don't-Existers.

These folks are a peculiar subspecies of One True Wayers. Like the One True Wayers, they believe there is a single "correct" way to "do" BDSM; unlike the One True Wayers, they feel that those who do things otherwise aren't just doing it wrong...they dont actually exist at all.

For example, many you-don't-existers will say things like "People can not be both dominant and submissive. Switches may top or bottom, but switches are not both dominant and submissive." If confronted by someone wo says "I am both dominant and submissive," the you-don't-existers will often merely dismiss such a person as deluded, or a liar, or undecided, or lacking self-knowledge.


The Wannabe Doms.

You can find these people all over the Internet--and, for a change, they're not mostly men. These people appear to be equal-opportunity offenders, and I've encountered about as many women as men who fall into this role.

These are the ones who believe that because they consider themselves dominant, the rest of the world should too. Many of them are often poorly socialized as well, which is quite a double-whammy.

You can spot 'em right away. They're the ones who, upon learning that someone is a submissive, immediately demand that that person be submissive to them. They're the ones who open a conversation with a submissive they've only just met with "You will call me Master and you will learn to worship me." They seem to see submissives as commodities, not as people, and begin every encounter with the idea that every submissive in the world will submit to them because, hey, they're Doms, right?

Hint: Respect is earned, not automatic. If you want a submissive to respect you, first prove that you deserve it. The people you see in the community, the people you see at play parties, who command widespread respect? They earned it. And by the way, just because someone is a submissive, that does not automatically mean he or she should submit to you. If you don't even know this person's name and have not yet established any kind of relationship whatsoever with this person, assuming you deserve this person's submission is a bit premature, wanker. Submissives exist for more than your own fantasy fulfillment!


The Desperate Subbies.

These are the flip side of the wannabe doms--the people who're so desperate to find a dominant that they'll stick anyone into that slot. Upon learning that someone is a dom, the Desperate Subbiess immediately assume that this person will automatically want to dominate them, and will run up to anyone they see who even remotely looks the least little bit dominant with "Oh, Master, I'm desperate to serve you!"

In some extreme cases, these people cross the line from annoying to outright self-destructive, as they'll sometimes abandon even basic concerns for safety and self-preservation in their attempts to find someone, anyone, to dominate them. Fortunately, Desperate Subbies are rare, and can be spotted from a mile away. Unfortunately, Desperate Subbies occasionally become statistics.

Hint: The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is a partnership. Even when it's a transient partnership, like at a play party, it's still a partnership. Don't go pledging your submission to someone until after you've determined that he or she is interested in you, and for God's sake, don't go pledging your submission to someone you don't even know, or to everyone you meet who seems the least bit interested in you. Dominants are people, not fantasy fulfillment objects...and every now and then, a person who calls himself a dominant isn't actually a dominant at all, but a predator who sees you as the prey, you know? Getting to know someone before you submit to him or her is a very good strategy to avoid becoming a statistic.