Literacy is sort of huge to me. Biggest turn on.

favorite quote at the moment: something like "we do not stop playing as we grow older,
we grow older as we stop playing"

I'm not looking for casual. Or a married man. Friends are fine, but don't message me because you're horny or if you want to go straight to getting my number. Put POF on your phone. I don't like text talk. I'm 40. "HRU?" Won't get an answer. Use audio if you don't want to type (?)

I have TBI so if I offend you, well, I claim medical causes. Honestly, the TBI has kinda thinned the filter between my brain & my mouth.

I am in no way ashamed to be a grammar nazi. We need more. I'd hoped that so much online interaction would force people to improve their writing, but the dictionary is actually adapting to words being used incorrectly. It breaks my heart. :( I have been considering lately that grammar & spelling issues that drive me nuts online wouldn't be an issue if I was meeting a guy OFFline...

I'd like a somewhat(?) educated man with less than a decade age difference. I'd like SSC, if that means anything to you(?) I'd really mostly just like the get to know each other and see how it goes kind of thing.

I walk with a cane. There's no sign right now it's going to get any better, but I'm working on it not getting any worse A few crushed joints, broken bones, crushed face. Needless to say, "long walks on the beach" doesn't really appeal (plus I'd go up in flames). Though now if I danced and look really stupid, I have a legitimate reason. ??

not sure about the fonts... last one was obviously a bad choice... thank G-d I look cute in reading glasses.

Anyway, somebody was sweet enough to tell me that I sound like I'm keeping my sense of humor through the hell I'm living (not quite in those words) and I felt like I should write a few things that might come off a bit more honest. Tho considering how dark my humor can be it might be appropriate for a pretty dark "life". That was in quotes 'cause I'm not sure what I have would appropriately be called a life... (see, self-pity, hot, huh?) Tho honestly my lower lip is no longer perfect without lipstick 'cause a tooth or two tore open the inside & tried to go through it, but lemme tell ya, my pout's at least a 9... 9.5... I dunno.

Anyway, one of my fitting wallowing songs:

ok, the lyrics crowded together so I tried to pull up the song on youtube & it sent me to a deformity correction site of someone's leg... like the rod in my thigh to straighten it from walking wrong for 4 years. THAT cheered me up.

Coworker I detest got stopped by cops tonight & I got to watch. I have to keep remembering that

Bother - by the god who is Corey M.F. Taylor

Wish I was too dead to cry

My self affliction fades

Stones to throw at my creator

Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother

I don't need to be

I'll  keep slipping farther

But once I  hold on I won't let go till it bleeds

Wish  I was too dead to care

If indeed I  cared at all

Never had a voice to  protest

So you fed me shit to  digest

I wish I had a  reason

My flaws are open  season

For this, I gave up  trying

One good turn deserves my  dying

You don't need to  bother

I don't need to  be

I'll keep slipping  farther

Once I hold on I won't let  go till it bleeds

Wish I'd died  instead of lived

A zombie hides my  face

Shell forgotten with its  memories

Diaries left with cryptic  entries

And you don't need to  bother

I don't need to  be

I'll keep slipping  farther

But once I hold on I won't  let go till it bleeds

You don't  need to bother

I don't need to  be

I'll keep slipping  farther

But once I hold on  I'll never live down my deceit

Tho really, if that sounds like a downer I've come a long way from my theme song being One by Metallica...

"Darkness imprisoning me, all that I see absolute horror

I cannot live, I cannot died, trapped in myself, body my holding cell... "

if you know the rest or have seen the video, you know that one mighta been a touch melodramatic

Everybody's asleep. I'm dying & I have nobody to whine to. My right femur's outta my hip joint... maybe from trying to cater my sleeping position to my tiniest Dom (she was a runt so she's only reaching 9 pounds 'cause she's got a tiny bit of extra fat around her tummy). I dunno. Anybody young who's reading this & things being double jointed is something brag worthy, wait until you grow up. My hip slips in & out pretty easily these days. It might be from trying to compensate for horrific pain in my right knee lately. Maybe I slowly worked it out. It's hard to get it back to rights these days. And now where my right ankle would be is hurting like hell. Almost positive that's from trying not to put pressure on my knee. I wanna use one of the office chairs to roll down the hall. Hoping the percocet will kick in & get me through the next few hours. Gonna die. Wanna whine. Probably a bad time of the month to be having this problem at work. Anybody into any kinda snuff fetish? 'cause I'm ready to be put outta my misery.

Does anybody have a Phd? Know how it's done? I thought I'd work while I got one... I don't think it's quite what I expected. I thought I could get it at the private college in town, but they don't offer a doctorate in psychology :(  Wonder if you can get a BS in psychology & a Masters or Doctorate in something else... I have my last class to get my BS in July & I'm terrified. I mean, once I get the BS I have to decide what to do with the rest of my life. Where is Dom Right?????? I need an orthopaedic surgeon Dom. ooooo or plastics. Does it matter if you're all scarred up & crippled if you get your tits made perky & the crush nose fixed to look like it used to?

ok irritated with useless moron beside me so logging this before I sound really petty & whiney & stuff (or any more so than I do so far... )

Hey, I thought of a new punishment Doms could use to torture subs.... OK, subs born before 1980. Whatcha do is you let them place Space Invaders for awhile & then you tie their hands behind their back & make them watch that stupid red space ship float right by & the smaller ones shoot her guy. It'd probably be good to let her get the max amount of lives first so she can die the max amount of times. This is how sad lack of SM is. I've hit a point where the only flinching I ever do is when my spaceship gets hit on Space Invaders. It is evil tho. You can't even die unless you wait for the shot or walk into it.

Pretty dead at work. Figured babbling's cheaper than checking out Memorial Day sales online.

added to profile:

 k, quote from another profile (POF): Red M&M "It hurts! But I kinda like it... " ;)

I killed a stray today. He was sick & in pain. I dunno what all pain except his eyes & definitely his mouth (rotten broken teeth with an abscess). His stomach churned & I saw him puke everything he ate the day before. While they were waiting for a test I decided I could do it. I'm in chronic pain & nobody will put me outta my misery, but he could be put outta his. But he just wanted to live in my home & I couldn't give him that 'cause I have other cats & he was definitely at least contagious in some ways (had symptoms of severe URI) and he made me feel gross. Like he was always covered in dander so he'd make my eyes itch & burn, but if I touched him I couldn't rub my eyes so I was constantly washing my hands. I cleaned him up before the visit & I kinda regret that. It made his face look less gross without all the drainage being dried to his face, but I think it hurt when I washed it. And I saw his eyes really well at the office & they were redder than mine. So I decided they could put him down while they were finding out he was negative for aids & leukemia and he was negative and a shot woulda helped for 2 weeks without me having to give him antibiotics around my awful schedule (work nights & meds make me tired) and when she put him down it took 3 tries. He didn't just quickly go to sleep & not wake up. He got a shot that made him struggle to breath while all dehydrated already & his tongue hanging out & the shot hurt & he didn't want it 'cause taking his blood for the test had hurt & he had to get another & as he got all worn out trying to breathe he got one in his chest & finally went out. ON THE THIRD TRY. He didn't get attention & get pet & fall asleep. He struggled to breathe through painful shots & eventually the suffering got to end. His. I'm waiting for the brain damage to help! I dunno if it can if I think about it constantly. How am I gonna lose the memory if I can't stop thinking about it. It might make me never forget. Like when you say a number over & over in your head. This is the silver lining to the brain damage. I should lose the memory. I didn't know him that well. Just that all he wanted was to sleep on the back of my couch where it was soft & he was high & safe. I'm gonna think he is now. I'm gonna play space invaders now or something & not think about it. Taking St John's Wort.

So... I'm on like triple space or something? anybody know how I change that?

I'd like to know the chemical components of enabling.

I get the point to the commercial, but it's going to drive me insane every single time.

Enabling is not now nor can it ever be a drug... well... someone could create a drug called enabling.

I'm kinda anti-drug, but that would be funny. Make something like Ecstasy but call it Enabling. That would kinda fit & be witty & possibly stop the stupid commercial

and what they're calling enabling is some kinda form of neglect or something that they could just say is illegal 'cause I think it's illegal...

anyway... just sick of hearing it's a drug! Only drugs are drugs.

My foot & knee are crushed. Wouldn't it be cool if enabling would help my pain?

Babbling & yet not on enabling now... or any other drug

Anyway...

j

the contraction for you are is YOU'RE.

you're you're you're you're you're you're

YOUR means 'belonging to you'

What was that? Junior High? I kinda think Elementary School, but I'm trying to be generous...

Ugh!!!!

I have got to meet a guy without reading his words first!

k, this is a song. what I fell for was the chorus that meant nothing. do not take this as my words. Do not take this literally. Do not get hard reading the word blood repeatedly. Not into blood sports (that I know of) and mostly aware that it's really unhealthy how much this makes sense to me:

by In this Moment:

"Blood"

Profile from another site:

About Me

um... I am a masochist & in no way whatsoever a sadist (5 million d#$% strays can attest to that) so if you did look at that video & start to curse me aim for almost exactly 5 min. in to what appears to be a 13 min video... maybe it's a youtube thing... in my day songs were like... well, it didn't say on the cassette, but probably under 2 minutes. It's all pretty scattered, but I can listen to him in the background & drool. I don't understand all the french. Some, tho... G-d life killed the dream I dreamed.

Going back to the yummy guy who makes me happy.

OK, right, so I was drooling over this lovely jail bait on YouTube (which at my age means age 30 or less) and I hit on Hurricane, the "censored version" by 30 seconds to Mars my jail bait boy (who will be 30 this year, 4 months younger than the nilla boy I occasionally get naked with) gets kinda non-nilla & I am actually physically uncomfortable sitting here at work OMG I am sooooooooooooooooo in love That's Hurricane the censored version by 30 seconds to Mars & when most of it is crazy, note that I didn't direct the video & I only drool over certain sections

really sick of Dom wannabe's giving me their opinion of how sub or not sub I am so I'm going to try to start adding little tidbits of my definition as I think of them. A Dom on aol (back in the day) had a very extensive profile & one line that kinda stuck with me was "your opinion counts, your vote does not".  I always thought that said it pretty well. I'm pretty smart. I don't want my opinion ignored, but I understand who has last say AND IF YOU SAY YOU'RE DOM, THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S YOU. It's my Dom & only my Dom & currently unless a cat who bites me when he's hungry counts... that space is E M P T Y. Hurts but not enough to let me take anything that's offered. I've already learned that that's worse.

I dunno what made that entry like triple spaced

just feeling the need to share. I am currently in love with Colm Wilkinson. 

I have watched the 4 valjeans on youtube about 1000 times at this point

and it was performed LAST YEAR. I could have seen it in real life. Kinda hurts to watch it

& know that. It'll probably disappear from youtube eventually

I dunno how to save stuff like that.

When my coworker leaves the room maybe I'll record it by camera on my phone.

in withdrawal from some BDSM stuff, but I won't mention that 'cause it gets the wrong kind of attention

wow, I don't have the attention span to read through my own journal entries. I wanted to see if I'd said something I'm pretty sure I said, but man do I go on! Wanted to update it. I'd told an ex-boyfriend (my sadly vanilla most often lover these days) that no means no & ow means yes & I wanted to correct that. I like this one better: no means no & ow! means MORE :) & not "more please" to any Dom guy who thinks like that. The sub saying ow! isn't being all polite & respectful & stuff. She's letting a sound out from deep inside her that she has no control over. No Oliver Twist lines coming out at that kinda time. :)

Oh, another quote I really liked that's in no way Ds related ('cause I am more than my addiction) "heroes aren't made, they're cornered" by Jim on According to Jim. I like the kinda quotes that are so funny but still even more true than funny. I saw this on a profile somewhere (probably plentyoffish) "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out" by Bill Hicks. I had to read it twice to change the tone of voice, but it's just so me. Crap. OK, I swear this is the last thing. I'll keep this brief (by my standards) if it kills me. I have this picture you can buy in a catalog saved in the photo album on my phone. (the so me comment made me think of it). It has a little girl with her arms spread out & it says "as much as I try to be an easygoing, stretch your wings and fly type... I just can't stop trying to burst people into flames with my mind" :) I wonder if the creator saw that same movie in the 80's... tracers or something. Don't worry, as hard as I tried, it never worked :)

I added a song to my IPod/Phone tonight at work... I dunno, had it stuck in my head. I'm the only freak I know who has stuff varying from a Les Miserables song in french to Porn Star Dancing by My Darkest Days, (trying to justify my dorkyness) but anyway...  I added a song from My Fair Lady & I got to thinking...  I know it sounds dorky, but what occurred to me was that I never stood a chance at being vanilla. How did anybody else that grew up on D/s set to music? I already had one from The Sound of Music. Not really in the mood for it, but maybe I'll add one from The King & I sometime. Soooooooooooooooooooooo tired. Going to go get more coffee now

ok a cute boy asked if I'm still into bdsm (he's been offline for a bit) & it got me thinking on explanations again. 'course I told him I'm not "into" bdsm. I wish it were a thing really that I could give or take, but it's part of me & I'm stuck with it. Otherwise I'd have the husband & the baby & ... well, I always thought dog, but apparently I'm a cat person who didn't know it & the varnished (not white) picket fence. I'm sub like I'm straight. Actually pretty exactly like that 'cause there has been a woman or two that I've tried not to look at (not counting the one with the C5 that I'd consider doing if it meant I could drive her car). Sex without a Dom is like sex alone (tho it is done at times, I'm not wasting my money by not using the toys that've accumulated over the past 15 yrs or so). In an 'in my dreams' kinda way I'd like TPE but I think it's as realistic as any kinda happily ever after. I live sucked into my paranormal romance & I caught on a long time ago that just like in the fairy tales, over a short amount of time the leading man & woman through some much more fun experiences than the fairy tales, quite a few with D/s interwoven in 'em the beauty of the story is in the journey to the inevitable happily ever after & how long does that last? A page. One page. Even if it's a story that let's it take years (with chapters that start "5 years later") once they live happily ever after the story ends. You never see them spend all their time together, get to know each other inside & out & still stay together. Happily ever after lasts a page (or less) & that's all the hope I hold out for TPE. I'm 35. I have enough experience to know that 100% of the men I've been with so far either didn't deserve that level of trust or like the ones I still love & talk to as friends don't trigger that... "sub" thing where it doesn't even occur to you to question them. OK, hormonal & gonna depress myself missing that. I've honestly considered trying to boss around a guy I know to get him to respond with that look that makes any sub hold their breath & try to back up carefully, but I like him & I don't wanna piss him off just to get my "fix". My dear sweet more or less sub ex-boyfriend's doing fairly well with the spanking... the biggest part is missing since he's doing it for me, but he has ... k, babbling & in the back of my mind I'm still feeling the emptiness of being a damned sheep with nobody to follow. I'll probably erase all this at some point. Obviously talked myself into whininess (sp?)

OK, wait, but while I was going to say that bdsm isn't something I do, it's part of me, it's who I am right now I'm on the annoying thing where people think if you're sub it's who you are as a person. It's so complicated. It is who I am, but submitting's a verb. It's not a noun. It's what you do even if it's an inate reaction. I am sub, but I don't sub to just anybody. I sub to very few. There are too many things implied in the quasi-word sub. We shouldn't even use it. It's like being straight. Consider it a given & assume that there are a million different varieties & although it's the foundation of what you need it isn't much for details on exactly what you need. I need an intellectual that I don't have to obey while knowing I'm smarter than him & I want a man capable of intimidating me ('cause that's yummy)... I wouldn't know 'cause it's been YEARS but as a now cripple that might be easier to get... or because of what I went through to become a cripple that might be harder... gonna babble myself into a headache so hitting enter or whatever now. Kinda messed up that I want a Dom (no switches need apply) & yet I write journal entries that only a masochist would enjoy  :-P

OK, I have a quick response to cut short a lot of guys trying to get off details about my past experiences.

In response to the frighteningly common question "what do you do as a sub?"

What I do is... AS I'M TOLD.

so if you were gonna ask that, I've now sweetly, politely, efficiently saved you the time (so, go away).

Oh & for how long I've been sub (which y'all are really kinda killing for me) 35 years so far, 36 on Earth Day :)

no more current questions about tires. I didn't get 'em answered in time & I kinda got railroaded into new tires just like the old when getting my alignment repaired... and inner tie rod?? anyway, more miserable now since I paid a ton for the same stupid tires (which now have tread & are balanced), but I'll still just be noting my alignment every so often 'cause it's the only way I can tell if a tire's flat ('cause they always feel flat).

I meant to ponder another question on here, but haven't been on (router down at home) & kinda forgot...

what's the appeal in being a sadist? have I broached that topic before?

I get the power thing must be it for Doms... 'least the easiest answer, but what about sadists? you can be a sadist & not a Dom, right? is that just power, too, 'cause if I didn't get endorphins & turned on to the verge of explosion from pain I can't see another appeal... well, the power thing, but I'm sub so I'm like that, but what about folks just S or m...? Do they exist? Why? I had a crush at 14 before knowing much on the Marquis but he was like... criminally insane. not sure I should be looking for that in a man... :)

OK, so I have a Nissan Maxima. He came with low profile tires. They're the kind that are supposed to be good for aggressive driving... I expect if I wanted to race on a nice smooth race track they'd be perfect, but on normal roads with normal cracks & bumps & manhole covers & what not they are TORTURE (no, not the good kind). I've suffered for 4.5 yrs & I can't take it any longer. I love my car (265hp & all kindsa lux stuff like a heated steering wheel & seats & mirrors), but I HATE his tires. I've been told by a few guys that you can't just get different wheels for a car that's made for the stupid ones that are so damned sensitive that I've learned to just note my alignment before believing the tire is flat (discovered when a tire blew it knocks your alignment enough to do a doughnut if you dont fight the steering wheel) because I feel every tiny little crack & I have been so sure I had a flat tire when I didn't that the one time I did blow a tire I drove about 5 miles before noticing the alignment thing & pulling over. If I'm gonna have him for a few more years, it'd be more than worth it to find out how to change the kinda tire... does anybody know if you can just use normal tires or if you have to actually buy new rims (not real sure what those are, but guys say I need 'em & they're real expensive). Any helpful info?

Update on Mentalist crush: Simon Baker said on the show The Mentalist: "you're a bad girl"
seriously
:)
yum

Gus on Psych said I'll eat you in manageable bite sized pieces

I just thought this was a kinda cool/fun thought. It does NOT mean I'm looking for casual sex with idiots who probably don't even really deep down believe they're Dom...

Was listening to Godsmack's Love-Hate-Sex-Pain & got to thinking if love is to sex as hate is to pain then FMLYHM :)  (Seether song)

Had to repeat this. It just seemed so damned profound. I heard it a few days ago on an episode of Californication & still I can't get it out of my head. It's too deep for a TV show, so the writers of Californication heard it somewhere else, right? I love that show, but seriously... whose that smart these days? David Duchovny was blogging & he wrote "It was the best of times... if only I'd known". I can't get that out of my head. I think I'm gonna work on appreciating what I have. I'm sure that show was written to encourage inner growth... ;)  If you haven't seen it, check it out. What's not awesome T&A is just so... deep. (I know I sound like a slow wit babbling inanely, but I got off work 3 hours ago & while utterly exhausted I still just can't hold that back)

I had a head full of thoughts I wanted to pen down on here when I pulled up the site today, but the IMs keep coming on yahoo & I can't seem to manage a complete thought... pretty sure it's a form of torture where a similar sound triggers at random repeatedly to disrupt the person's thoughts... if nothing else it's been in plenty of sci fi stuff to keep someone with paranormal powers from using them because it just cruelly constantly disrupts their train of thought.
Lord, the entry was supposed to be about strays.
I've realized recently that part of the reason I may be so moved by the suffering of the poor little strays (always cats) is that I identify with them. Darn cats keep adding up 'cause if I put out food for one, others smell it & want some. I'm stuck with one permanently 'cause I took him to the vet when his foot was damaged & I've grown incredibly attached & don't entirely regret it, but we're up to 2 constant strays outside & 2 that're now family. And I'm allergic. But I think I get how they feel.
I've been feeling it lately. They'll settle for food, thank G-d, but they want owners. I don't know why goofy animal people are so anti "owner"... I consider my cats my babies & they feel like family, but I'd want an owner... I get what they want... that's why they end out so d*mned spoiled. I give them what I want.
How can anyone survive without guidance and care? I just need to be lead! Why does that sound so pathetic in our society? This D/s stuff creates such a d*mned paradox in my head I'm amazed I haven't had an aneurism or something... I had a t-shirt when I was a little girl that said "girls can do anything boys can do... BETTER". I still believe in girl power & that in a lot of ways we're the stronger sex. And I see the strength & power of subs. What we're able to endure. I mean, do you know what it's like to be addicted to endorphins? They don't come in a bottle y'know. Endurance is the path to 'em... we're crazy strong, but OMG I crave... leadership? someone to follow. Lord, vanilla chicks just get to desperately hope for love & think that life sucks when it's lacking, but try needing more... spoiled simple minded things. I want power. Love power. Need to feel power. I know why the lonely vanillas crave being held. I want to be held. I want it their way. Being held is lovely, but mostly lately... I'm thinking down. I want to be held down.
OK, I got off on a lot more whining & babbling than I meant to. I'll get back to this later. Haven't slept well today (I work 11-7 in case someone's seeing this & wondering about the comment & the time of the entry - Shiftwork. Look it up on UTube. s'my themesong lately)
I'll edit this later. Add some, probably subtract a bunch.
Going to take a very long bath & I'm sure that'll just ease all the whininess out of me so I can write a clear, lucid, sexily cogent kinda entry later :)

I'm on the space invaders high scores list!! 
that's all...
:)

julie anne

ok... I keep getting emails from the wrong people & I wanted to write up a new profile to kinda steer those folks away, but I worked all night & I guess I'm just not thinking clearly enough right now to express myself perfectly enough for my own standards... so... let's see... stuff to babble about that I'll probably move to my journal when I'm thinking clearly... In 1986 I saw Labyrinth and fell head over heels for David Bowie (keep in mind that I was 11 years old & hadn't at the time seen old images of him dressed like some kind of gay elf while singing)... this is what sealed the deal... the end of the movie... I know just about every word in the movie (even the made up nonsense words) and I'll always remember his last words... "just fear me, love me, do as I say & I will be your slave"... "just let me rule you & you can have _everything_ that you want"...   oh, and jennifer connelly escaped him with the words "you have no power over me"... ya, ha! Crazy chick, he coulda had power over me... wasn't my first D/s movie love... my first was Yul Brynner in The King and I... I was younger, tho and I don't remember that one as clearly... probably oughta watch it a second time some day... I was probably pretty sane & moderately mentally healthy & stuff at that point... but then around age 14 Waxworks came out... hehe... horrible cheesy horror flick that had the Marquis in it... aahhhh the follies of youth... what a crush I had... wanted to name my first born Donatien after him... even wrote a story or two with the leading guy having that name... ok... now I know I'm sleep deprived... gonna copy this into mail then continue to babble to just one person so I don't torture any poor innocent person that comes across my profile :)

"If it should please you, for your own best reasons, To take and flog me with a rawhide whip, I might (who knows?) surprisedly accept This earnest of affection." -- Robert Graves

OK... and being the incredibly sweet, meek, obedient, all about your pleasure, kinda loving sub that I am, I'd now like to share some information that'll save you, the all powerful G-dlike Dom that you are some time. It's sweet & flattering to get those long cut & pasted intro emails from guys and all, and if you want to just chat as friends you can be anything but illiterate, even undecided on your gender for all I care, but if you're looking for more, you should know that I'm really hoping to meet someone somewhat close by... preferably in this state, but that definitely means in this country. I'm never having any sort of "fun" with a married man. I'm trying to be open minded, but I'm not sure I see a future with a switch... I don't know...  I keep changing this thing...
I have AOL so I haven't had any reason to sign up for Yahoo. There's no real point in asking for my Yahoo address...  sorry