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sandmanactual
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| As far as being on this site...I am here for information gathering purposes and to talk with people. I am really not ACTIVELY looking to get involved with anyone. So that said, I will make a general comment about what I think thus far. In looking at profiles of people on here I have come to two conclusions. I get the overall sense that: 1. people get really annoyed with people who don't know what they want/are fakes, and 2. alot of people are waaaaaaaaaaay overboard for my tastes. So, that being said, with regard to #1...I do not know exactly what I want (and that will likely irritate some of you…so no need to read on). I am curious about dom/sub relationship and perhaps switch. I have to say, I have more submissive tendencies…and would fall more on that side…however having a guy who is ‘all’ about pleasing me would NOT be a bad thing either. :P (But, I would still want to please him…) Whatever the case may be, I do not see myself making this a "lifestyle" so much as a kinky-side to introduce in the bedroom on a semi-regular basis? (Then again, who knows, I could change my mind and get really into it). I value intelligence and loyalty in a relationship. I am not into people who are sadistic or admittedly or non-admittedly hate women.
Age is just a number.....however you should be +/- 10 years of my age. 21-41 years old.
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Long time no entry. I haven't been on here in over a year I am sure.
I have been thiking a lot about induced lactation again.
I am thinking it would be great to try with another female....who is also interested in doing it, or is already lactating.
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Maybe I am a sub and maybe I am not. Maybe I am just a "normal" person with "sub" tendencies. Honestly, I really don't care. I do KNOW that I will do anything for the person that I love, but I need that to be reciprocal. While I might show in my actions how far I will go for you, there may and probably will be a time when I will expect the guy (be he Dom, Switch, Sub, or normal) to give in to my needs. This might mean a sacrifice on his part. But in this aspect, when it comes down to love, I do believe it is 100% mutual. Psycho though it may be, I think either or both people need to be willing to do or take anything FOR the other. That is not just the job of the "sub." Corny as it is, I do very much belive in the words of the Bryan Adams song, "Everything I do, I do for you." Including "I would die for you." Maybe I am intense, maybe I am psycho, but I think that the intensity and commitment does need to be mutual. |
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So, this is going to be a "different" sort of entry. Am considering a supplemental relationship with someone (M/F) who can perform various acts on me while my long-distance Master listens on the phone or watches on cam. Ultimately what happens is his call....and he needs to be able to listen/watch....so you need to understand that and not try to manuever it otherwise. I am thinking that someone who is switch or sub would probably be the best candiate as this person will not be calling the shots as far as what happens. Message me, and we can talk more about what we are looking for. |
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NO MORE LACTATION INVOLVEMENT. I enjoyed it and it was interesting, but I have absolutely no freetime at the moment and it is a very time demanding process. I ended up not getting too far with it, but I did have results, so it was cool to see what would happen. |
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It's been a while since I have written anything, so here we go again. I've actually had a few things on my mind.
1. Maybe I am just "Kinky Vanilla" and not sub. I really don't know. I think that there is an inherent quality that I have about wanting to please others. But, I also want them to "want" to please me.
2. I do want to please, but I also want to be appreciated. I know I am somewhat fickle as a sub. (And like I say, maybe I really am not a sub). I get freaked out and kind of scared/inhibitted about different things, but it isn't to be a pain. It is just how I am. What I am doing and what I am giving generally is the best I can do in whatever situation I am in. To feel that is not enough, or that I am not appreciated is totally deflating to me. Being punished when I am trying as best I can or am unable to do something really isn't doing any good, other than perhaps breaking my spirit and making me feel bad. Which leads me to the next point.
3. I think I need more of a sensual/caring/maybe daddy Dom. I will give my best. I am a perfeccionist in addition to wanting to please. But, I can't let myself go if I do not think that you have my best interests at heart. I think that a Dom should protect his sub and put her wellbeing equal to or even above his own. I think as a sub, I can get lost in wanting to please a Dom and actually would push myself to (and past) any limit. It is up to him to actually know my boundaries and hold me within them. I do crave feeling appreciated. I also crave affection. If it is all about punishment and pushing me because what I am doing isn't enough, it is just going to burn me out. I do want to feel cherished, and I do want my Dom to be concerned with my pleasure as well as his own.
4. This isn't actually that related to everything else I have written, but it is something that I have wanted to address for a while. "Training" is a stupid term to use. A Dom is being "trained" to the likes/dislikes/limits and boundaries of his sub every much as the sub is being trained to her Dom. I will admit that there is some 'erotic' quality in saying you are being trained, but really it is both ways and not something that just happens to the sub. I think that wording must be used as a kind of objectification/dehumanization toward the sub.
5. Hey, if you've made it this far, congrats! I do now have a blog (not on this site) dedicated to the lactation interest. If you would like to read about that, please email me and I will give you the link. I am kind of private about it in front of those who have no interest in it, so I didn't want to even have the link here.
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I just wanted to make a general announcement that I "think" my milk is
near. Last night and this morning when I used my pump, there seemed to
be a bit of moisture coming off of the nipples. I'm keeping my fingers
crossed, but I think it could be the first signs of milk...At any rate,
I am hoping to have my milk in May for some May Milkings... (Thursday
4/24 will be my 4 week anniversary for pumping). It is also interesting that most all guys I have talked to are supportive or enthusiastic about my lactation quest. Really there has only been one "lacks interest/doesn't want to know" and one "no opinion." The rest have all been quite for it. But, it is the person that I would like to be interested in it that is the least! Such is life! To all others, thanks for the support. I will provide an update when the milk totally comes in.
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Throughout my time on C/M I have questioned whether I am really "sub." I think inherently, I have a lot of characteristics that are aligned with being submissive. The number one characteristic being that I like to please others. Personally, as it applies to me, I think this is often a flaw, but in the bdsm world it is generally looked at as a positive attribute, at least in the eyes of a Dom. The problem is that you can't please all of the people all of the time. And sometimes I feel that I am living too many dualities. I want to be the "me" that everyone who is near and dear to me expects. (pleasing everyone) This "me" is different be it my family, friends, co-workers, roommate, and online Mentor/Dom. It is emotionally troubling to me when I cannot hold up the image that I want the given people to have of me. And obviously, I know that "perfect" does not exist. But, I guess I strive to be the perfect me for all of the people who are close to me. And I sometimes feel that going towards my "sub" side is "unhealthy" for me personally. Instead of trying to please "everyone" I feel intellectually, that I need to just worry about pleasing "myself" and being the ME that I am most happy with. However, when I AM in "sub" mode, I am only worried about pleasing my Dom. When I am REALLY in sub mode, I let the image slip of how I want others to see me, and this in turn makes me feel bad. The way that I want family/friends/roommate to view me are basically consistent and in line with eachother....it is the "sexual sub" me that is the most inconsistent, and I think that ultimately this is why I struggle with "being sub.".
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No real entry...just a comment: when I am in more of a "sub-mode" it seems to be more common for me to feel sad and unappreciated. It doesn't seem particuarly healthy. Maybe that is just how I react individually to it....it has happened a few times. Now in particular I am sad b/c I miss Sir CDZ's attentions. :(
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Clarifications:
I do not consider myself to be in "the lifestyle." Please do not ask me how long I have been in the lifestyle or how I got "into" the lifestyle.
I have been interested in bdsm probably over 10 years. My more continuous interest has been over the last 2. Nothing in particular "made me interested." If anything is responsible it is internet chatrooms from yahoo and aol 10 years or more ago.
I am not conducting a "search." Please do not ask me how my search is going.
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Naive?
If I were to have a Dom, I see it as being a mutually fullfilling relationship...one where it is not only about me satisfying and pleasing him, but him caring for and pleasing me as well. As such, I think there are times when the Dom would actually have to put his own needs on hold and seek to nurture/satisfy those of his sub. My own personality is such that I would do anything I could for the person that I loved, and in BDSM terms, I see this as playing out as times when I might test my limits or do things that I do not particuarly enjoy for my Dom. But, should it always be that I am asked to do those things for him? Shouldn't it be that there are times when my own pleasure, no strings attached is the goal? That is what I would like to believe because I think that shows true caring. Or maybe if I want caring, I'm on the wrong website. But, that's how I see it.
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I think that BDSM relationships have a good possiblity to be successful long term if done right. However, if ppl are just matching BDSM interests to a checklist and going based on that, I don't see it lasting long term. Maybe it will last a year, maybe 2 or 3....but ultimately one or the other is going to get tired and move on. That is what I think....that is how I am anyway. I can have great sex for a year or so with someone, but then if there is nothing more than that, it's not going to end up fulfilling me....and I'm going to move on.
Hmmmmm, I still have my online/phone Dom, C.Z. |
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I am very intrerested in the idea of forced lactation/induced lactation....basically producing milk even though I am not pregnant nor will be. Anyone who has any experience with this is very welcome to contact me. |
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What I want for Christmas...
NJOY Butt Plug
It would be a nice treat for me...I've been naughty and nice. :)
Mmmmm, I treated myself to it. Seems like a good selection.
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So.....something that I found interesting....I was talking to a Dom, and he was saying that the purpose of a DOM is to "strengthen and enhance" the sub. LOL. I asked who was there to strenghten and enhance him...the Dom To, which I was told that was not something I needed to concern myself with. Big LOL Seems rather.....egotistical if I must put a word on it. I found it amusing anyway. .....................................................................
For anyone who might be reading this. I am not looking for someone whose goal is to strengthen and enhance me. :P I think any relationship that I would look for is mutual. When you truly love someone, I think that it makes you want to be a better person and the best that you can be because of your love for that person. However, that is something that to me should be mutual. I'd hope that my Dom was getting something out of knowing me, other than sexual kicks. .......................................................................................................................................
I've talked to a number of people on here now. Most of them quite honestly I tire of after one conversation. However, there is a question that always come up...and I have to go through a big explanation each time. So, I am going to write it here and refer you all to this part of my journal. If you would like to talk to me after reading it,great. ...............................................................................................................................................
I have what I call a Semi-Master. I have spoken with a very patient Dom since roughly January 2006. I did not meet him through this site, but another non D/s site...and we have yet to meet in person...due to my own insecurities. In talking, I became aware of his interest as a Dom and was somewhat interestested in the sub role. All of my "explorations" as a sub have been with him, and he has a very special place in my heart. Truth be told, I still am not sure if I am totally a sub. It frightens me a bit. I think that he and I got to what perhaps IS the goal connection between a sub and a Dom, but it scared me and caused me to back away. In the course of our relationship, while I was testing out my role as sub to him via phone/internet, I felt like I LOST MYSELF. In saying that, I mean that I felt like I was going through the actions of my day....but I was LIVING for the moments of interacting with him. I felt like I lost my own will, and that my only desire was pleasing him. I stepped back from that with a trip far away, and it made me get scared really when I realized that I was truly living FOR HIM and not for myself. So, since then I have been kind of like a scared cat.....coming closer to its Master and then running away again. My previous journal was all about feelings. I believe that if I have decided nothing else, it is that I need to know that my PARTNER will respect my feelings. I cannot be with someone who does not.
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May 5, 2007: New Insights:
From what I have seen, the sub/dom relationship is intoxicating and addicting. I am drawn to it and afraid of it. I have experienced it, run away from it, and come back to it, and now who knows.
The problem I have with being a sub....is that I think that more than with any other type of relationship, you are totally offering your heart on a platter to your DOM. Therefore, more than in any other type of relationship, I think he has the power to totally crush your inner being and feelings. And, for me, it might not even be by really doing anything wrong or mean. It might just be that he doesn't feel like talking to me, but it totally and completely crushes me.
So, I think more than anything it is a problem that I have with myself. I believe that personally, it comes from turning myself over so completely to someone...however ultimately I do not know how healthy that is for "myself." As a sub, I seek to please my DOM and as a result he becomes the ruler of my life, my feelings. I need to have my feelings/emotional well being totally respected or I cannot be a sub, because I think it will just cause me to shrivel up inside.
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| Age: 25 |
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Delaware |
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