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| I am seeking that One dominant male who truly understands and believes that this lifestyle is not about sex, but about a deep emotional connection, about trust, and honesty.
To that end, as I continue on this journey, let me make it clear upfront, there will be no sex until after a strong bond, and deep relationship has been built.
If you are here simply to seek kinky sex, keep looking I'm not the woman you want. I'm not interested in phone sex, or cyber sex, so if those are your things, keep going.
If, on the other hand, you are seeking an honest, fiercely loyal, loving, and well trained submissive woman, stop by and say hello.
jaded
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I am looking for some honest opinions. View my profile, and let me know what is right, and wrong with it, let me know if I should make changes to it, or delete it altogether.
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I give up. I will be deleting this my profile. Any who may want to keep in touch with me, need to let me know so I can give them my other info. |
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This message goes along with the profile update that I will be making shortly. I have learned many things over the course of my life, and in particular over the last few years. I have learned what unconditional love looks and feels like.
I have learned the taste of grief is bitter, and can last years, and even though it loses its sharpness over time, the bitterness never really fades from your memory.
Most importantly, I have learned that more now than ever, my late Master was right. It isn't about sex, subbie. To that end, as I continue my search for that one to pick up where Master left off, sex will not enter into the equation until after a relationship is established.
Until trust is built, sex has no place.
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What does a subbie girl do when she's got all this subbie building up inside,and no one to lavish it on? |
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I am happy to report to any who care that I am once again employed!
I know that it probably doesn't matter much to anyone besides myself, my family, and a few very close friends, however, being employed again has brought to mind the way my training as a submissive can be translated to the working environment.
I am a medical assistant. That's the person who brings the patient back to the exam room, checks their vital signs, administers medications, draws blood, etc. In short you see me, before you see the doctor.
Being a submissive, and already having learned to show deference, and humility, pays off in that environment.
My doctors don't know of my training, but it shows in how I treat them, and my patients. When speaking to one of the doctors, the quietly humble "Sir" at the end of whatever I am saying, or the "yes Sir", "no Sir", "Thank you Sir...goes without comment, but I know it is noticed.
I give them the respect they deserve. As I do my patients. Most of the time, I soften the respect, but it is there none the less, because I ask if I may take their vitals, or touch them.
Now there are those of you who would say that these are common everyday human respect type things...and you could well be right.
I am one of those people who can be quite abrasive, and having been trained to contain that part of me, and to use the titles...it comes very easy for me.
I love my job, and if that extra little bit of submissive behaviour helps me stay employed...then I have no problem with it.
Something to think about, anyway. |
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Someone saw my previous post, and felt it necessary to call me retarded.
Then they pointed out that the image was upside down.
Wow, I've been called a lot of things in my life, but "retarded" has never been one of them.
Then because this individual is such a genius, he blocked me so that I couldn't respond to his message. Wow, real manly, and intelligent.
I was going to tell the lad that since I graduated high school roughly 4 years before he was born, I wasn't going to lower myself to his level with name calling.
Yep, a 24 year old felt it necessary to call me retarded. I feel so special now.
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ǝƃɐd ɹnoʎ oʇuo sIɥʇ ǝʇsɐd puɐ ʎdoɔ 'sʎɐs sIɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ ʇno ǝɹnƃIɟ oʇ ɥƃnouǝ ʇɹɐɯs ǝɹɐ noʎ ɟI |
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Yes, the picture is me. Me and only me! |
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Alright, I give up! Once more someone has pointed out that the picture of me with my dog is "suggestive" that I have trained him for my pleasure.
This time, it was the placement of my hands on his chest and hindquarters. Give me a break!
So, I have taken that picture down, and replaced it with a cropped version of the same photo, showing just me.
Lets see if someone can find something perverted about that! |
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I have a dog with me in my profile picture. He is my cocker spaniel, he used to belong to my late Master.
Apparently there is something wrong with having a dog in a profile picture. I received this message a few minutes ago;
"do you training that dog for ur pleasure"
This is the second time I've been asked that, so I'm starting to think that perhaps I should have a photo taken with, oh say a chain saw, or some other power tool, so I can be asked if I am using that for my pleasure. Here is my response:
"Now, I am curious about something. Would you ask a woman with a dog on the street whether or not she has trained her dog for her pleasure?
Or is it just the anonymity of the internet, and the fact that this is a fetish site that makes you ask questions like that?
For the record, no...he is not, nor will he ever be trained to "service" me in that manner.
However, if you are feeling particularly masochistic at some point, I am fairly certain I could coax him into removing a body part or two of yours..."
Now, I know there are those out there who do have dogs trained for such things, I also know that it is called "beastiality". Not one of my fetishes, nor will it ever be. If the Powers that Be had wanted me to copulate with an animal, they would have made me an animal...very simple.
Just in case you are wondering, the dog in the picture has been known to be exceedingly vicious...I am sure I could coax him into showing his fangs.
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"I would ask that you tell me a bit more about you and that i am currently looking for a sub....not a pretender but a real sub...all too many women say i am a sub ......but have no concept of what a sub is....also as a sub i would expect you to broaden your horizon of interests.....if this intrigues you feel free to post to me....."
I received this message from someone on another site, and it got me to thinking about how many, myself included present ourselves to prospective Dominants.
I know that I have griped on occasion about the men who claim to be "Dominants", and I've read journal entries from some Dominants who gripe about women who claim to be "submissives".
My response to this message surprised even me, here it is...
"More about me, god I hate this part simply because it gets boring the more times I do it, until it starts to sound trite.
I am a divorced mother of 5 (two adult), grand to 4, I am currently an unemployed medical assistant looking to go to college and get my nursing degree.
I am not going to tell you how "real" a submissive I am. That judgement is for YOU to make if/when we meet.
Nor am I going to tell you that I am a "real" slave, again, that is for your judgement, not mine.
I can tell you that I spent 3 wonderful years with an Old Guard Master, part of those years in a poly relationship with his slave (until she passed away). Master believed in training the mind, heart, and soul...He knew the body would follow, and He was right."
I realized that it isn't up to me to determine if I am a "real" slave or submissive, it is up to the judgement of the Dominant that I ultimately choose to submit to.
Beauty...and true Dominance and true submission, are subjective and in the eye of the beholder.
So, my apologies to any whom I may have "judged" unfairly.
jaded...still learning
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A funny thing happened this morning while I was enjoying my first cup of coffee, and some breakfast.
A "Dominant" from Chicago had sent me a message here on CM, and we struck up a yahoo conversation. He seemed interested in me, and had stated that he visited my area of Hell on a fairly regular basis.
He did his best to flatter me, calling me beautiful, etc. Invited me to photo sharing, to which I responded that we had to keep it G-rated, as I have one of my children wandering about who does not need to see anything "adult".
He then suggested that I could open my cam...And that is when I realized what he was really after.
For starters, I don't have a cam. I haven't had a cam for years. I got rid of the cam I did have when one to many "Steven Speilbergs" wanted to "direct" me from afar.
Gentlemen, I am first and foremost a lady. I am not a cam whore, nor do I forsee myself becoming one any time in the future. If you are truly interested in me, you will build a relationship with me with the future plan of meeting me in person, at which time you may get to "see my beauty".
The reality is, 85% of the time, I have young children around me, so I am not going to take my clothes off anyway. Nor am I going to "perform" on cam for you to masturbate. You want to see the "hidden jewels", capture my mind, my heart...then perhaps you can capture the body, but only in person.
I'm not a wanna be online submissive. I am a real-life, well-trained slave. |
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She couldn't cry. She needed to, but a lifetime of training kept her from just letting the tears flow.
There is a special kind of magic in tears, do you know that? Tears open the sometimes bolted doors of the heart, they clear the mind, and cleanse the soul. They are a mystical fountain of healing water. But because of how she was raised, she was unable to drink from that miraculous spring on her own.
As a teenager, when she reached the critical point of needing to cry, she would numbly, sometimes blindly, reach for a blade, because somehow, opening her flesh, feeling the warmth of the blood flowing down her skin eased the inner pain, and cleared her mind. But, it never cleansed her soul the way tears always could.
He knew, even before she could tell him, he knew when she needed to cry. He could hear it in her voice, see it in her body language. Yes, he knew, and he alone could help her. Even she knew that.
Her favorite flogger was fanned out on the bed when she came in. She hesitated, just for a moment, not out of fear, but out of amazement that he knew her needs so well.
She undressed, stilling her mind, as she methodically laid her clothes on a chair. She was still marveling at how well he knew her after only such a short time. They had been together, sort of, long enough to earn her trust, but she didn't think anyone would ever know her that well.
She stretched out on the bed, literally stretching, physically readying the body while she continued to still her mind.
There would be no words between them until the very end. That was the way of sessions like this. He started out slow and easy, watching her carefully, enjoying the little sighs, moans, and wiggles.
For all that she bruised everywhere else with only the slightest provocation, she had a butt like shoe leather. He knew he would wear out long before he ever left a mark on her. But that wasn't the point today, he seldom wanted to leave a mark on her, and there was a difference in the session when he did.
No, today was for her. Today he would take her out into subspace, pushing her pain threshhold until she could release the tears. Today he wanted to make her cry.
Her skin was starting to glow, a nice rosy red, and her little moans and sighs were getting louder. Whe she shifted, he could see the gleam of moisture between her thighs, yes she was getting closer.
He began to grunt with the effort as each throw of the flogger got harder. He knew she could hear him, because she was starting to brace herself for the blow before it landed. He was sweating, and his shoulders began to ache, not much longer now.
As the force of the blows began to lift her physically off the bed, she began to struggle for control, body tensing at the sound of the flogger whistling through the air, her body ached for release, ached for the climax that would set off the endorphins and the tears. Just when she thought she could take no more, the words...
"Let it go, subbie."
She arched and climaxed with a deep, gutteral groan, fluid sluicing between her thighs like a hose.
He kept going, knowing she needed more to push her over the edge. She began to shudder, as each blow landed, gasping for breath. Then the words...
"Let it go subbie, let it all go."
Like a magical incantation those words broke the damn, and released a flood of tears.
He continued lightly tossing the flogger over her now blazing skin, listening as she sobbed. Setting the flogger aside, he reached for the bottle of skin cream and began slowly, methodically rubbing her down, letting her cry herself out, even as his touch reassured her that she was safe in his presence.
As soon as the tears stopped, she lifted her head, looked blearily at him and accepted the tissues he had waiting for her. After drying her eyes, and blowing her nose, she shifted around so she could rest her head on his chest. His arm went around her instinctively while he helped her pull the blanket up over herself.
She was done crying, but wouldn't be fully coherent for a while yet. He offered her a drink of water, and then settled back with her on his chest. He needed this time to come down as much as she did, besides he loved the feel of her, laying slack against his chest.
He knew she would want/need to talk to him when she was fully back to herself, but right now what she needed was security and comfort. And that he was more than able to provide. |
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Ok everyone, it is almost 8 am, on Thursday. For those of you who have sent me a message, yes I have read your messages, but rather than send back a one or two line message, thereby disrespecting not only myself, but you as well, I am typing this update to let you know that I have to leave to tend to real life.
I will be back later on, and at that point, I will catch up on all the messages that I haven't yet responded to.
Yesterday, I had a discussion with someone who's knickers got in a twist because I hadn't immediately responded to his message, or hadn't responded in the time frame he was expecting. God forbid, I disappoint anyone by not responding immediately to a message.
Read my note here, and take a breath, I will respond, as soon as I have time to do it properly.
(shouldn't have to do this, but Goddess only knows what might happen if I don't) |
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In the span on 5 emails, one "Dominant" said that if I was "bad" he would rape my ass, spank me, and then stand me in the corner so he could view his handiwok.
Cute, he doesn't know me from Adam, has not established what my limits are, really doesn't know what I am into, and he tells me he is going to "rape" me.
When questioned about it, he states that it's only "rape play" you know, role play. Well that's great, but what if I am not into role play, and more to the point what if I have been raped in real time?
In another conversation with another "Dommabe", when I insisted on not talking about the body parts, he said "good bye".
So, is it me, or has my beloved lifestyle degenerated so badly that it is all about the "kink" and not about the heart, mind and soul?
Somebody help me out here, please? |
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Alright, since I'm starting to get a complex, I think it's time for me to perhaps set some "guidelines" for contacting me.
Guideline number 1: If you are under the age of 40, please pass me by, I'm not at all interested in playing with children. I have adult children of my own, it would just be too creepy.
Guideline number 2: If the only thing you can or will talk about is what you can do with/to the body parts, I'm not interested. I am looking for a mature Dominant, who knows the difference between D/s and Top/bottom.
Ok, those are my top two...I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated, so if you are going to be rude, expect it in return.
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Well, I figured I journal on a couple other sites, so why not this one too?
Ah yes, I see you looking at the title and scratching your head. "But if it isn't about the body parts, then what is it about?"
It took me a long time to reach the point where I truly understood that it wasn't about the body parts. Master Ty (1945-2008)had his work cut out for Him when He accepted me as His submissive. I had learned everything I knew about D/s from the internet, from chat rooms, from online Dominants, etc. Where for the most part, it is about the body parts, because that's what it has degenerated to, courtesy of the internet.
Thank God He was patient, and willing to teach me that while a slap and a tickle to the body parts is all well and fun, true submission is and always will be something that happens in the heart, soul, and mind.
When I finally figured it out, grasped the concept, and found the true submissive, everything He did with the body parts was that much more intense, and pleasurable.
Recently I had a discussion with a Domly type friend from Georgia, and together, we defined the difference between a D/s relationship, and that of a Top/bottom. We might be wrong, as we are seeing it from our own perspective, but here goes.
In a D/s relationship, it is more about the heart, soul, and mind...the connection has to be there for it to work for both.
In Top/bottom relationship, the connection can be there, but it isn't necessary.
See, I am a submissive (with a slaves heart), I need the connection. I could give the body to anyone ( and have over the years) but the heart, mind, and soul, I keep separate because I have been hurt so many times. I protect those things at all costs.
So, I could "bottom" for pretty much anyone, but I can't submit, truly submit to just any man that comes along.
"It's not about sex, subbie" truer words have never been spoken. |
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I think it is time for some clarification. I recently lost my first/only real time Master, he died on the 4th of November.
I deeply miss him, and am still grieving. However, I am open to talking, and perhaps meeting (yes, i know that isn't going to happen) someone new.
I am a babygirl-brat submissive. My training with Master was very much about the heart and mind...and true submission, versus what he could do with/to the body.
Because of that, I am seeking One who truly understands that submission begins in the mind and heart. One who is ready to take up the challenge in the hope of reaping the rewards that Master knew to be worth the effort and time.
I am loving, caring, compassionate...willing to give so much more than i normally receive. |
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| Age: 40 |
| Lutupan,
Philippines |
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