I don't want a relationship, they hold you back.
I want a best friend, I can sleep with, make love to, hustle with, travel with, shop with, club with, and live with.
I want a partner in crime, a life partner.
Someone that I can laugh with and build with.
Somebody that I can trust with my heart, my money and my life.
Somebody I'm not afraid to lose because I know they will always be there.
Relationships just aren't for me, but a partnership, I'll take that.

Thanks for reading..

Jaded

2014

I was asked last night what I wanted and what I was feeling at the time. I wrote him this. I didn't realize how deep seeded these feelings where until they poured out of me. So I thought I'd keep them here as a reminder just NOT to give up. 

What I want?

What I want, most desire. Is a man that is real. When he says something he means it and if he promises something he does what it takes to make the promise come to true. Regardless of the inconvenience it might case HIM at the moment. Not just talk a good game and play a good mind fuck. I want to be loved and desired and NEEDED. Just he desires to be loved, desired and needed. I'm so tired of the bull shit games and the half truth I find here. Most of the time I don't even know why I bother.

I don't need a man. But I desire a companion, a lover, a best friend. A partner in crime. Someone that thinks I'm worth the fight, We are worth the fight to make it all work. A man that is secure in his manhood. One that isn't afraid to show emotions. That can give me the structure I need and the gentleness I deserve.. To be firm so I don't try to get over. That can even laugh at himself when he too serious for what life throws at all of us. One that loves to travel and loves kids. That will push me to the point but not try to break me.

Maybe I ask to much. But I can't and won't settle. Like I have in the past. It's just not worth the tears I have cried and the heartbreak I have felt in the past. I'd rather be alone than go through this ever again. I seem to hold out for a fairy tale. And I don't understand why I do. Each one I meet, I have this hope that just maybe he is the one. Yet am disappointed time and time again. So right now the name Jaded fits me. I don't believe 3/4s of what I read or what men says to me on here. Why? because 9 time out of 10 it's all bullshit. So I continue to wait. And hope and wonder.

Hmm.. Thanks for reading

Jaded

★ ° . .　　　　.　☾ °☆ 　. * ● ¸ .　　　★　° :.　 . • ○ ° ★　 .　 *　.　　　☾　　　. 　 ° 　. ● .　　　 °☆ 　¸. ● .　　★　　★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ 　★ ° . .　　　　.　☆☼ ☼ 　. * ● ¸ .　　　★　° :.　 . • ○ ° ★　 .　 * 　　 °☆ 　¸. ● .　　★　　★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ 　★ ° . .　　　　.　☾ °☆ 　. * ● ¸ .　　　★　° :.　 . • ○ ° ★　 .　 *　.　　　☾　✨　.♫.　. 　 ° 　. ● .　　　 °☆ 🌟　¸. ● .　　★　　★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸ 　★ ° . .` `^　.　☾ °☆ 　. * ● / \ 
° _██_*。*. / . \ ˛ . *.★* *★ 。*¸. ● ..♫.
˛. (´• ̮•)*˛°*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____. * ˛*
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~＼ *. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.｜田田 ｜門｜╬╬╬╬ .
¯˜"*°•♥•°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°•♥•°*"˜¯` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°•♥•°
┊　　┊　　┊　　★ 
┊　　┊　　☆  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
┊　　★ 
☆

Profile updated!! 

Thanks for all those that have tried to make me feel a little better and support me.  I'm still upset, but not as near as upset as I was yesterday. This will pass it always does.. 

I saw something today on facebook that sort of fit. So I'm gonna share it here.. 

SOMETIMES THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES PUT US DIRECTLY ON THE PATH TO THE BEST THINGS THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US.. 

Sort of fitting I think.. 

I'M FUCKING ANGRY, HURT AND VERY DISAPPOINTED! AND I am so FUCKING DONE, with this 'wannabe' doms on here!! Jesus fucking christ, isn't there anyone REAL on here? You say your genuine, portray yourself as honest and forthcoming. Say all the right words, yet won't live up to them. Got news for you, what you see is what you get! 

I've allow myself do share things while texting that isn't me!  Made to feel as if it was my duty to do so, because I'm the sub, you be the dom, Fuck that shit!! TURN INTO A FUCKING DOORMAT IS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED! FUCK THAT!! 

I'm real flesh and blood. I have flaws. My teeth aren't the greatest. Saggy ass boobs and a big ass and belly. I'm a big girl. I have crow lines and dark circles. Sorry but it's a family trait! And I'm fucking 53 for christ sakes. I'm shy and probably will say things that make no sense, due my shyness.

I hate online relationships! You can't effectively have anything online or long distance. It just DOESN'T work.  I've been strung along thinking something real was gonna come out of it. Only to be disappointed over and over again. I'M Fucking done!! And not just recently for the past 3 fucking years.

FUCK THIS SHIT! TOO FUCKING TRUSTING IS MY PROBLEM! I GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM. TOO FUCKING OPEN IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM! I TAKE EVERYONE AT FACE VALUE IS  MY FUCKING PROBLEM! I TRUST WHAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN YOU SAY IT, BECAUSE I TRY TO LIVE THAT WAY! I'M FUCKING DONE!!!!! 

Just know, I don't believe three quarters of what I'm told anymore. Because of the assholes I have had contact with in the past 3 years. Remember the say, "one bad apple" , GUESS WHAT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE FOUND THE WHOLE FUCKING BARREL IN THE PAST 3 YEARS!  Well guys guess what, PROVE IT! Prove your genuine and your word is your bond?

DON'T SAY IT BE ABOUT IT! 

And I'm sick of this once and awhile contact bullshit!  If your interested and I'm interested then I expect daily contact! OF SOME FUCKING SORT! I expect eventually phone calls, or message chat! If you get busy, a quick text message isn't that much to ask for. Jesus!! 

Does it sound like I'm topping from the bottom. FUCK NO!! WHY? YOUR NOT MY SIR!! AND IT"S CALLED SETTING BOUNDARIES! Rules of engagement!

COMMON FUCKING COURTESY!  DON'T GET ME WRONG, I SEE STARTING ONLINE WILL BE PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY IT WILL GET STARTED, BUT I EXPECT EVENTUALLY IT TO MOVE INTO MEETING IN PERSON AND THEN . IF ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.. MOVING INTO SOME SORT OF MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP. FULL FUCKING TIME, NOT THIS PART TIME OR WHEN I THINK OF HER BULLSHIT!! I'M A FUCKING PERSON FIRST NOT SOME FUCKING SUB! AND I SURE AS HELL AIN'T YOUR FUCKING SUB FROM HELLO!! COMMON FUCKING COURTESY AND FUCKING RESPECT! SHIT!! 

 I MAYBE DISABLED, BUT I'M NOT RETARDED! I'M A GOOD PERSON AND A GOOD WOMAN! I DON'T WANT OVERSEAS OR SO LONG DISTANCE THE CHANCES OF MEETING ARE NON EXISTENT! I DESERVE A GOOD MAN, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A LITTLE KINKY! I WANT VANILLA WITH THE KINK MIXED IN. BUT BY THE GODS I'M NOT SETTLING ANY LONGER! 

BE FUCKING REAL OR PASS ME THE FUCK BYE. 

I knew it was gonna happen. And It did. Damn it!! Michigan has some weird weather. Well the past few days its gone from 94 degrees to 63 and my body just doesn't take change well. 

So yesterday.. I caught a nasty cold. Fever, headache, cough. I feel like I just wanna die. Slept about 10 hours due to some cold meds my family got me. Drinking plenty of OJ and water to flush this crap out. But still .. I just feel like crap warmed over. 

Any oh who. Going back to bed. Have a good weekend 

Jaded

I've been sitting here for the past couple days wondering what I did to deserve this? 

I have Sir/Dom contact me to tell me how beautiful I am. How wonderful I am. And it's so surprising I'm not with someone. Yet not one wants to take the time out to really get to know me or even meet. 

I've been thinking and I know it's not a good thing. What did I do? Either they are too far away even an ocean away or they are too busy or maybe it's true, I'm just not worthy. 

Since the releasing of my First Sir, I feel like i'm just floating out here. Most vanilla women when they break up with their boyfriends they rebound rather quickly. But to have someone inside your head, heart and your very soul to just 'dump' you with no warning, no reason. It leaves you so lost and so alone. The darkness here is at times so unbearable. 

A few months ago, I started talking to a Dom that found me here. He's from my home town so we by location are close. It's seems like we've danced so much around just meeting. That I'm beginning to wonder if I am just another someones 'plaything' At this moment in time my heart is just hurting. And I keep asking myself..WHY? What did I do?? 

It's time to turn off the submissive brain. And just be for awhile. Cause apparently the ones that could be the true one, can't be for one reason or another. Location, job, family or maybe its true. I'm just NOT that important! 

I give up!! 

Thanks for listening. 

Submissive Owner's Manual

I need to feel safe

♦Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am

♦ I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to have clearly defined limits

♦ I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent

♦ I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits

♦ I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me

♦ I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals

♦Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected

♦ I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need You to be my role-model

♦ I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance

♦ I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself

♦ I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes

♦ I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You

♦Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute

♦ I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes

♦Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You

♦ Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership

♦ No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it.

"Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability...nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff"
~ From The Ethical Slut by Dosie Eastman and Katherine Liszt.

"I yearn for he who can lead me there, take me to the next level. Not another Dom wannabe who can't control his own life, much less mine, but a man with power and imagination and confidence."
~ Submissive Sadie

Submission without domination is when you keep doing what he wants even after he keeps insisting he doesn't want it. Domination without submission is when he keeps telling you to do something and you keep telling him to fuck off.
~ Linda

"You are looking for an Owner, not a husband, or boyfriend. If you consider yourself no longer vanilla, then you are nothing but a slave and your worth nothing but a belonging. your life is not worth living without a dom."

I was told this one time a very long time ago. And I have just realized I'm just FUCKED!! 

Why.. because I am looking for an Owner that is a "boyfriend" And I'm not a SLAVE.. not in the definitions you find in the BDSM dictionary. And frankly at this point in the game. My life with a Dom has been more worthless than WITHOUT!! Of course that's because of the ARSEHOLES I seem to keep finding!! ECK!! This is what I get for going through my F*E*T* journals.. :O(

This was written almost over 2 years ago. I look back and so much as happen that I don't recognize this person. This was my beginning, I'm at the middle. With much more sadness and even more disappointment. I look back and I wish that I had never met "HIM" It's rather long.. and if you manage to read all the way through it. Thank you! :)

Before I continue, I must make a confession. I am a fake. A phony. I hide behind a smile and a joke. Letting people only in so far, before they hit a brick wall. I am a survivor. Have been hurt and maimed by the male race for most of my life in one shape or fashion. Shoot, I should say people, not just men. If I wanted to be totally honest. So to let this Dom in, this far..was hard work on my part. I had to practice 'trust'. Get over my fear. But what was so attractive was.. that with in the lifestyle. There was no secrets. Communication between the couple is a requirement. No guess. In a vanilla setting you go blindly into the relationship, pretending honesty and trust etc. But not having the standards I found within this. … Now as Paul Harvey would said..”Now for the rest of the story”

I have been lurking for awhile now. But, being who I am. If I don't feel comfortable speaking out, I tend to remain silent. *this was posted in a novice group over 2 years ago..

My story: To begin with:

I am a witch. I practicing pagan of many decades. I live, breath, teach, think the Blessed lady and Ancient Lord. That is me. I pretend to be nothing more or nothing else than who I am. Up until just recently I was in a 4 year relationship. It ended this past July. *over 3 years ago* It was painful, but in my daily walk, I evolve and change, much like the changing tides and moons. Again its who I am. Nothing more, nothing less.
Because of this I am one of those creatures that desire a partner, I began this journey looking for a partner. One that would encompass who and what I am. Like some, I searched date sites, free and paid. Putting a profile of the things I am and my desires in a partner. Not to long ago, I had a profile on a free site and started corresponding with a gentleman. And we hit it off, at least I thought, from the beginning.

Emailing then chatting on yahoo chat. The relationship grew to more in depth conversation. During this time he shared with me that he was a sadist. intake of breath here (thought to self sadist, OH MY GODS he get off hurting people for pleasure no less!! )

Has lived and is now wanting to live the BDMS lifestyle 24/7. He was searching for a partner to share this interest with him. I 'thought' (key word thought) I knew enough about this subject, at the very least I thought I understood what it entailed, after all I have read articles about it in the past. ( I am a total idiot!! ) With this conversation I felt that it was something I wouldn't be interested in, EVER!! . As a lifestyle or with a relationship, which is my right. But I felt, hell, if nothing else, I would have a good friend. I have learned because of my path as a Witch, I try to stay open to new and strange ideas. Regardless if I find them a little out of “my” norm.
He shared with me what he wanted me to know. We talked about my experiences with my life. And it got me to thinking. Examining my past. And I started to remember all the times and situations sexually I have step a little over the “norm”. Most would say kinky sex. Maybe not to the extreme I have read about recently. But for me it was not normal sex. A little spank here and there, maybe hair pulling. Biting etc. The men I was involved with thought I was fun to be with, because I went that extra mile or two, to please. Than at one point in my life, I was actually approached to see if I would be interested in more than the slap and tickle. Of course, I was not going to have any part of that. That was too much for my little ,sadly to say, closed mind.

This is where the confusion comes in. If I was there so many times. If I was exposed, for a lack of a better word, to this. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I go that extra mile to investigate that part of who I am. I think at one point I actually felt, and I have told this to my sister. I was handed a piece of paper that was liken to being told I was dying of some dreaded cancerous disease. My whole idea of who and what I was inside was twisted, torn and ripped apart and laid at my feet. Maybe a little dramatic, but it is how I felt at the time, and at times still do.

My saving grace, is that the home I live in is one of free thinking and non-judgmental. I am fortunate to live with my sister, who has been in the lifestyle for many years. So, with that I am able to express my fears and confusion. And praise the Gods, she has enough patience with me to listen to my bitching and tearful cries without wanting to throttle me for my drama. She has handed me books to read. And I have even found a book that is more of a pagan flavor.

My story I suppose, is not different than the next beginner. Although my journey is that just mine it has left me confused, unsure and down right scared. I have lost sleep, have honestly cried many tears due the this life altering event. I am lucky that I have my sister/friend I can bounce these fears and concerns off of from time to time. And she has spent hours upon hours reassuring me as you would a child beginning to walk for the first time. She has been a lifestyler for many years, as I have mentioned before. .

When my 'discovery' took place, I actually had no clue this was apart of my psyche. I am 50 years old. Over my adult years I have had near misses and experience that could off set BDSM ideology. If I had know 10 years ago I might not be struggling with it now. I think at times this is what bothers me the most. Is that as in tuned as I would like to think I am with my inner self. For this to escape me, is almost mind blowing and maddening.

After this revelation, and earnest study. Many hours of reading here at . More talking for hours of my concerns with my sister. I started to come to terms with the this new profound discovery. I was still having issues with dissection the difference between the sex, part and the part that is with in me. I get to where I feel comfortable in that knowledge only to be handed yet another piece of a very big puzzle and there I go again, on the roller coaster of confusion and fear.
But I am a good student. Of all things I don't understand. I will research, read, ask questions. Once I am saturated with knowledge. I will sit back and chew and dissect what belongs and then fit those pieces in and throw what doesn't belong out. A talent I have learned with my path as a Witch.
Until just a few days ago. I was comfortable with what I have learned so far. And was willing to start gathering more information.

On a social network. A gentleman contacted me. He claims to be a switch. Which over the past few months I felt fit me more than any other label. I hate labels, but then again, how do you start unless you begin at the beginning.
This gentleman, I figured would be a great sort of information. Considering, I know personally a Domme. So she, can inform me of what that is all about. I have access to a sadist. Even though he doesn't share much, I still can ask questions as I become for familiar with me and my journey.

So what better to understand the 'switch' then to ask one who lives it. Oh my Gods. He left me more confused than I was prior. He attacked my sadist friend. Become fixated on my sister for being a Domme. And as my sister/friend said, quoting from a very popular movie. “He's very into sisters right now” ( movie: Practical Magic) He shared that with my sadist I would have no say as to what he would or could do to me in a scene. He made it sound as if I had no free will or thought in any of it. I was in the position of NO power. No mention of contracts, or the protocols set up for such just a situation. Protocols I mention are “Safe, Sane, Consensual “

I was confused, and angry and beside myself with again more self doubt as to what I was doing. He had me start to questions the line between who I was and the sex acts he went on about. My thoughts of what is and what can be became more confused. That was my longest night I have spent in a very long time. After many hours of again going through this with my sister. I waited online for chance of talking with my sadist friend, I guess for more reassure from me as well. That my feelings of him where not franking figments of my imagination. That my feelings that he would never take me where I didn't want to go was correct.

Then I had to correct my thoughts of that it not just sex (although there are some out there that all it is. Is for the gratification they receive from the scene itself, and then are those that are what they are. They live, breath eat it each day in every facet of their lives. And would not have it any other way.) but who I am. Just like, I am a pagan, a witch. It's in my DNA. It's the air I breath and the style I have. It's me. Nothing more, nothing less. It is all, it is nothing, because it just is!! Am I happy with my discovery? Not yet. I still have a long way to go. I still have some more I need to learn. It a journey of renewal and growth. And growth is sometimes very painful. It is what it is!!

I have moved from my sister/friends house and moved to another state. I finally got meet this man. Spent 26 hours of the most mind altering, sexually gratifying, time in my life. We continued to talk online each morning. And sometimes at night. He called me more often. And a relationship started to take on a new dimension. Then I got to spend 3 days under him. That when I knew I was in lust/love?

He started to give me assignments. I had to journal once a day. And send them too him. Then where other types of things I needed to do. The very last was I was to write out one of my fantasies. Since I have an issue expressing these sort of things. I felt out of my comfort zone and felt I did the best I could. He then sent me one of his. I had no clue this would mark the end of this relationship.

His fantasy. Was me being tied up, and forced to have sex with another woman. When I read this. I don't understand my reaction. I have always been a free thinker. Open minded to a point when it came to sex. But my reaction to this scared me.

I was livid. Hurt. Felt betrayed. I thought, “how could he, put me in a situation that would cause me emotional and mental harm?”. For the first time, I was really afraid. He had accused me a few times of trying to run from him. But this was the first time in the short history that I knew him. That I conscious fore thought did. I wrote to him. And I said, “ I can't do this, I'm sorry”

Two days later I received and email from him saying, “ It's your decision, take care”.

Wow really? I meant so little. My confusion, my hurt, my feeling of betrayal was now complete.

During conversation we have had over the past few months. He would tell me that once I accepted what I was. I belonged to him. That I would never be more than I was right now. That if I walked away, I would be empty with out him. That I was his. He owned me. I guess, I believed him. He just took his hands off. It got me thinking. Maybe hes right. Maybe I will be no good for another. Maybe? What ifs?

So, I crawled back. He told me that I doubted him and that I would be punished because of it. And that I over reacted to his little story. Anyway, It was strained. Between us. He seemed always upset with me. More strict. More sensitive to my words. Maybe it was me that was feeling unsure and not so close. Guarded once again. Until just recently I thought maybe it has changed so much, that there was no way I would continue. Until one day he gave me another assignment.

I was to, look online. Gather 24 nude women photos. Non-bdsm in nature and I was to judge, 12 for things I found attractive. And 12 that I didn't find attractive.

Wow.. wow.. I was floored. I knew what this was. I knew he was not only trying to get into my head, but... Try to develop some sort of want and desire within my being. I tried not to react. I tried not to get upset. But I just couldn't. I mean I appreciate a good looking woman. But not in a sexual fashion. It's just not me.

So I fretted to him. How I felt I was failing him that I couldn't do what he asked. Finally he said, I didn't have to do the assignment. But I felt, that he was upset with me. And I felt I had failed him. When I told him of these things. He got very upset. Angry. Upset.

Later I wrote to him and explained my point of view. And I received an email a day later. Saying, that he understood that I bothered by this. But what he wanted and has stated what he wanted would not change. I could either deal with it or not.

OK..so I was pissed now. Hurt even. And I wrote.. “I won't bother you further, take care”

Shoot. Now I feel, hurt and confused and I miss him. All the insecurities I had before, came flooding back. What if he was right? What if I am ruined and no other Dom would want or desire to whatever....

Holding this in for the past couple of weeks. I woke this morning, upset and antsy and confused. In tears. See I met a new Dom. He's everything this other isn't. Funny, charming. I enjoy him in the most basic way. I think that is what trigger these feelings of doubt and second guessing myself.

I happen to talk to a friend I have made with the “lets get to know you” series. Somehow, his friendship, his compassion, I let go of all these feeling that I was afraid to release. He listened. Thank you , you know who you are

And recommend I post this here. And that I might want to find a mentor. And that with the good people here, I might find some support that I so much need right now. Maybe some really good advice too.

My story is still revealing itself. In spite of it all. I have no regrets. So if you have some advice. Please be kind. I am still not emotionally there yet. On my way, but still not there.

Thanks for listening..

Jaded..
breath and hit send sigh

Ok I am suppose to be honest. So I'm gonna be honest. I really don't want to be here. On Collarme or on f**e**t**. But I have agreed to be. Why so I would keep my "options" open. I don't see the point. Seems I like I attract the same sort of men. The cheats, the liars, the players or the wannabes or the part timers. (No offence meant)

Something seriously must be wrong with me for me to attract such men. So, I figure why put myself through it all. I've hidden this profile and that the one on f**e**t** for that very reason. I'm told I have a poor attitude. Well after all I've been through the past 6 months I guess I feel a little lost. And very abandoned. It's a long story. One I won't go into here. 

When I lost my last Sir, I opened this Collarme thinking that maybe if I got back on the proverbial horse maybe I might just be able to, I don't know "find" him. I have this big hole where he once was. My experience with the whole D/s thing hasn't been the greatest. And this last experience this past weekend just was the icing on the cake. Yes I made a very BIG mistake.

I met a man. And inexperienced Dom, let my guard down. And I walked away made to feel old, ugly and more insecure than before. When it was all said and done, I got to thinking that maybe it was me that  sabotage the whole thing so he couldn't turn his back on me like my Sir did 6 months ago. So Again, I ask myself.. Why the fuck bother??? 

Hows that for honesty?? hmmmm??? 

Well they say, all good things come to those that wait. Seems like forever that I thought I'd never meet someone that would peek my attention. I have been talking to someone for awhile now, and we have decided to move in a new direction. Right now it's too soon to tell how it will all play out. But I'm hopeful

Wish me luck!! 

 *sigh

♥HÁþþγ ΒÏrτΗÐÅΥ♥ to me

♥

July 19th 53 years young and just getting better!!

Happy birthday to me!! A very young 52..... thank you very much.. :0)

A Master's Creed

Author Unknown

I am a dominant man. I am just that. I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser.

I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body.
I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.

Yet, to you I am Master.
I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness.

I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body.

You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor. You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished.

We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction.

Your strength disperses my doubt.
Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts. We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We complement each other and make each other complete.

My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.

You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust.

Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you. What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to me.

Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.

I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.
Within the bounds of our relationship…it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me.or you.

That is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary. What you give freely cannot in reality be bought

Author Unknown. 

My Journey.. 03/24/2012

It's about 10:30pm in BFE South Carolina.And sitting here in the dark, looking at the lightening out the bus window. (Writing this on the back of a piece of paper that was my bus ticket confirmation letter.) Looking over the past few weeks and reflecting on this latest adventure. Taking 3 weeks to disintegrate into a 22 hour bus ride, to a place I figured I would never return to.

As I sit here, I do a self check. Trying to figure out were I stand emotionally and mentally. It's been a long road for me. That actually started weeks or even months prior. Before I left Orlando, I had a chance in meeting someone that I have been blessed in sharing 2 hours time with.

During this conversation, we chatted about this and that. We discussed the different levels of grief. And I certainly don't want to turn out bitter and angry due to my experience these past few weeks. Literally wasting weeks, months on this person. I thought had left me broken and sad. But I realized that these feelings I have about him, is more disappointment in him, then for him.

Out of the blue, my little brain, wired differently and strangely at times, the word "sub frenzy" popped in. WoW really? Was this divine thought? As an explanation of what has taken place the past few months? Or could it be that in my mind I am trying to make sense of the past 3 worse weeks I have spent in the longest time. I understand what that means, but to satisfy my own understanding. I looked up the word.
Sub frenzy: During submissive frenzy, you may feel a desperate need to have your desires fulfilled.

To me, when I think of "sub frenzy", I see this bottom feeding fish, trying to devour the last of the best of what is near them. I understand that isn't what it is, but my brain concurs these images. Needing more trying to find my place in this chapter of my life.
So much has happened over not only this past 3 weeks, but the last couple of years. I, now find myself at a crossroad of sorts. Deciding which way I should go. Usually, I am one to just jump in. Taking risk with both feet. Risk be damned. So sitting there in Orlando with this new found friend. For the first time in a very long time. I felt myself actually breath. I felt the muscles in my back of my neck relax. Tension I have lived with for a very long time, release. Was it the company? or just my mind set? He asked me if i was guarded. As I hold myself in a crossed arm across the chest. I felt myself relax further, and then something awesome happened. The sub brain, sub mindset, shuts off!!

For the first time in months, over a year. It was just me. And I like me.
As my bus was called, my new friend and I hugged and said our fare thee wells. I climbed up those steps, not really knowing what my future will bring. I decided that even though I have this "need" and much desire of the love and affection and a D/s relationship as a perk. The next thought comes at me out of the blue, yet it makes perfect sense to me. That just maybe this sort of lifestyle isn't for me. And that's ok. Even though my submission is so much apart of my personality, there is so much more to me. I am very spiritual, a mother, grandmother. I have a brain and feel things deeply. I'm a lover, devoted and loves deeply. I desire a best friend and all that entails. I do so much enjoy the "kinky" sex/play. Even this is just a bit of who I am.
And because of this, the next Sir/Master/Dom/Joe/Henry/Tom, whomever it might be, needs to see and appreciate and accept me for who I am. This crazed emotional, uni-polar witch, tender loving woman. With this acceptance he gets it all. And for the first time, in a very long time, I feel at peace. I refuse to give it all to just one in the beginning. This next one, if there is one, will have to work damn hard. Next fearful thought was, what if he doesn't exist. Yet another thought, does it really matter?
So, This is what happens on a late night bus ride, in BFE South Carolina, on a rainy, thunder filled night!
But what is the best part, Is I am finally free!!
Jaded

No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry.

http://youtu.be/gnVkYjEbe8M

New Year, chance for a new beginning. Happy New Years!!

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

The Olive Tree

A confused submissive came before her wise Master who adored her. she felt that to submit to Him would mean she would open her heart to unbearable pain should He ever leave her. she hungered for Him and needed Him, but was ready to walk away in panic.

The Gentle Master knelt her before Him and started a tale of love and devotion. As she looked up at Him, His arms began to widen and open like a large Tree stretches its branches to the sky. At that moment the Master appeared rooted to the floor and His impressive size towered above her like a giant Tree.

Then He began to speak...

I'm here for you... now and always no matter how far time and space takes Uus... Whether you walk away from me today or you stay and serve me, I will not turn away from you. I am as patient as time itself. I will not take from you unless You give freely and completely of yourself, but I give onto You regardless - for my love is unconditional...

Like the Olive Tree that can both feed you and shade you, I am there seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth. If you need My Fruit to feed your hunger, I will give you all the Fruit you need. If your skin grows dry and loses its luster, the Oil from My Fruit will restore it and make it glisten. When you need comfort, my Leaves will gently caress your face and with the slightest breeze. When you need discipline My Branches will correct you when the wind blows strong. If you need My Shade to protect you from the sun, My Branches will shade and protect you. If you need warmth at night, My fallen Branches will fuel the fire to keep you warm and safe. If you need a refreshing breeze My Leaves will fan you and cool you down.

You are my gardener.

When you submit to me, you tend that which keeps Me vibrant and full of life. When you kneel under Me and till the soil, you give breath to My Roots. When you water me, My Sap flows strong through me raising My limping Branches. When you soil yourself collecting fertilizer with your bare hands, you strengthen and humble Me with your devotion.

your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me vibrant and nurtures My very Core. The sustenance and protection I give you seems little reward for your servitude. Still the gardener serves the Tree from her heart and the Tree gives her heart all that He can.

I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you walk away from Me... but be assured I will survive one hundred years later and two of your lifetimes. I will still be there, waiting for you in the same spot to offer you all that I do now.

Stay with Me and be My gardener. you cannot get lost in Me for Wwe are complementary to each Oother. I am your devotion, and you give meaning to My existence.

Apart Wwe live life and survive; Ttogether Wwe bloom eternally!

As the Master finishes His last words, the submissive cried herself to sleep at His Feet. That night, He stood planted there like the Olive Tree offering her His unconditional Love and Protection as she slept. As she would tend to Him with her devotion the next day... and everyday thereafter!!

Unknown

No, I'm not 51 today, I'm 21 with 30 years of experience!  Happy Birthday to me!!

                ♥~ **[Jose Nunez-Bilingual ][http://youtu.be/tluc_Q06n2w]** ~♥


The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice
Hearing you speak my name
Beckoning me to answer
Telling me you want me
So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love

Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us
Tracing your shadowscape
Kneeling before you my eyes feast upon your masculinity and
All its divinity and I praise you
Because all of that is for me

I begin to indulge myself of your delicacies
Digesting semi-sweet dark chocolate decadence as it melts
Dripping down my chin
Your taste is something that Godiva couldn't re-create

Needing every atom of your anatomy
Necessity is placed upon me knowing you are the source of my serendipity
Dipping in and out of me stroking more than my consciesness
Subconsciously I find myself rewinding our love scenes
In my daydreams
Seeing that face you make when you're making me cum
And it makes me want you right there and then

Thinking of you in inappropriate places I get
Tingling sensations in private locations where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place

As wetness develops my legs begin to open and my spot turns to a backdraft and all I want you to do is extinguish it
You know my body like the back of your hands
And touch me and send me into ecstacy

My thighs quiver in anticipation of deep penetration which gets me high
Body rising
Sweating
Panting
Make-up melting
Pulling my hair and
Scratching my back
I get a temporary case of tourettes because all I can say are four letter words in a four octave-range screaming your name

Aye papi, eres tan grande y tan duro y mo lo das tan bueno...tu eres mi pecado mortal...cojelo otra vez...

You fucking me makes me bilingual

I see your tongue pink between your lips and I want it between mine
And I struggle
As you lick torturing me
I try to get away but
Not really

Running out of room begging for more up against the wall that has been scuffed by my stilletos
Again
You pry apart my thighs and tell me to be still
And I willingly submit to you because I love the way you dominate me
Demanding that I cum for you so I do as I'm told

You've molded me so I'm good to no-one else but you
You've conquered this once orgasmicless world and multiplied it
Again and
Again

My face radiates with after-glow
My pillow scented by you
A fragrance which haunts me
My room smells of the best sex
I
Covered in body prints and finger prints and you above me
Your name written indelibly upon my body in your genetic history

You fucking me makes me bilingual

YOU KNOW YOU'RE KINKY WHEN...

 

- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.

- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't.

- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk.

- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.

- You call people other than your Father "Daddy."

- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.

- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.

- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.

- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.

- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.

- You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement.

- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.

- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.

- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

- You give a new song a rating of 65. It's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

- You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.

- Canning season gets you *really* excited.

- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.

- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.

- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.

- You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

- Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

...I came home last night and went upstairs to my room. As I was lying on my bed looking up at the stars I thought to my self "Where the fuck is my ceiling"?

Hickory dickory dock The slut was sucking c--k her hair got tangled The bitch got strangled But at least she swallowed the lot....

=)

If He is the One:

1. There is no task, no contemplation, no place you could be with Him and feel unsafe. You feel protected, secure and cocooned in His love and care.

2. You trust Him with your heart, your body, your mind, your time and your pleasure. And this gifting is not a burden, but a release... and with Him, you experience true freedom.

3. When you stand before Him... you are naked. I am not speaking of just physical nakedness, but emotional and spiritual as well. There is nothing between you and Him – and neither would you want there to be – as you feel like you can tell him anything. Anything that floats between your two consciousnesses feels like a heavy weight until it is shared. And He lifts this weight from you, so you are always “light”.

4. You feel loved. You feel totally accepted for who and what you are. You can be you, and it is right. And it is beautiful. And it feels good to be beautiful, cherished... and in love.

5. With His strength you are fearless. Nothing is impossible with Him by your side.

6. Your love for Him is without boundary or conditions. There is nothing you would not do for Him. And you have a faith and trust, that He knows what you are capable of, and He knows how to lead you to be capable of more..

.
7. You live with a certainty that comes from a defined future. You are inspired by the certainty of His love.

8. You are owned by Him – a part of His whole being. When He is away from you, you crave Him so much it feels like you are holding your breath until He returns. He is the "sun" in your universe.

9. When you are with Him, and when you think of Him... you are Home. Where you were always meant to be.

10. No matter who He is or His importance, who depends on Him, what His work or responsibilities are, or how He lives... The moment you need Him, He is always there. And always will be the moment you need Him. And He does this because you are His heart. It is no effort, no strain, no struggle. He is. He loves. And He is yours as much as you are His. True ownership.

Sent to me by "W" Author unknown

♥They say......Never lie, cheat, or steal. But I say...If you must lie, lie in the arms of a lover, If you must cheat, cheat death, and if you must steal, steal the moments that take your breath away...♥  ~ author unknown