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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that was the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, draped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 2: "What's that?"
Lady 1: "A condom."
Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80ies), but asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel..."
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Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight.
Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement....12 cal
Without her
agreement............187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands........8 cal
With one hand.........12 cal
With the mouth.......85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection..........6 cal
Without erection.............315 cal
FOREPLAY
Trying to find the clitoris...............8 cal
Trying to find G spot.92 cal
Without caring at all..0 cal
WHEN "DOING IT"
Holding her up........12 cal
Just on the floor......8 cal
POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy............2 cal
69 laying..............8 cal
69 tanding up........112 cal
Trolley..............216 cal
Italian chandelier...912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Real.................112 cal
Fake................315 cal
POST ORGASM
Staying in bed........18 cal
Jumping off the bed...36 cal
Figuring out why she jumped off the bed..........816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age...................12 cal
From 20 to 29.........36 cal
From 30 to 39.......108 cal
From 40 to 49........324 cal
From 50 to 59........972 cal
Over 60........... 2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly...............32 cal
Being in a hurry......98 cal
With her husband opening the door................1218 cal
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