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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Male Dominant, 47,  New York City, New York
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InvisibleBlack - photo 1

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I've recently found a wonderful submissive with whom I seem very compatible. We've entered that delicious discovery stage of the relationship and are, quite simply, having a blast. I am no longer looking. As for the rest, I'm male, in my early forties, and dominant. I'm intelligent, educated, employed, in shape and all those other good adjectives. (I'm humble, too.) I run the IT department for a small financial services firm, wish I had more time to write, and pretty much do what I can to enjoy life for all that it's worth. I have a pretty wide-ranging (and unique) list of interests - I can quote Buckaroo Banzai or Hamlet, rebuild a carburetor (I know, I know - nobody uses them anymore), bench my own weight and/or make a pretty mean dry martini. I own so many books I've run out of places to put them. If I had to sum up my philosophy it's two-fold: 'life is meant to be lived' & 'you do the best you can with what you've got'. I'm not on this site as much as I used to be, but I still wander in every now and then so there may be a delay in replies to any messages.












 Dominant Male

 New York City 

 New York

 6' 0"

 165 lbs






Actively Seeking:

Submissive Female

 Lives For:



 Fine Dining




 You wearing my collar

 Science Fiction




 Intellectual Discourse

 Alternative Music

 Eighties Music

 New Wave

 Rock Music



 Renaissance Faires






 Paranormal Phenomena



 Classical Music

 Electronica / EDM

 EMO Music

 Heavy Metal Music

 Industrial Music

 New Age Music

 Nineties Music


 Opera Music


 Curious About:

 Horseback Riding

 Martial Arts



 The Occult


 Computer Expert

 Investment Professional

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Journal Entries:
4/4/2012 6:28:59 PM

This is my old profile, just in case someone's curious:


They say brevity is the soul of wit. Let's see if we can manage it.

(Failed. Should have said "Less is more".)

I'm male, single, in my early forties, and dominant. I'm intelligent, educated, employed, in shape and all those other good adjectives. (I'm humble, too.)

I have a pretty wide-ranging (and unique) list of interests - I can quote Buckaroo Banzai or Hamlet, rebuild a carburetor (I know, I know - nobody uses them anymore), bench my own weight and/or make a pretty mean dry martini. In the past year I've been to Cancun, London and New Zealand. I own so many books I've run out of places to put them.

If I had to sum up my philosophy it's two-fold: 'life is meant to be lived' & 'you do the best you can with what you've got'.

I tend to a pretty powerful focus. This means if I'm paying attention to you, you will feel like the world revolves around you. It also means that if I'm doing something else, you will feel like there isn't even a universe unless you're doing it with me. This can take some getting used to.

As regards the point of this site - I am much more into the D/s part of BDSM than anything else. The rest is just trappings. What I'm looking for is that moment of letting go, that point of release and surrender. The path to getting there is more interesting to me than anything else and, in my experience, every woman is unique and there is no 'fixed' set of steps that will work. Finding what works and what doesn't - what both excites and terrifies her - what she'll run to and what she'll run from - the entire interaction of getting closer and closer to those moments - for me that's the whole point and then, as the relationship expands, the trust, the control, the ability to excite or to curb - sometimes with just a look or with a word - that's when I'm most satisfied.
I'm looking for something serious, something long term and something based on communication, understanding and trust.

I'm not terribly interested in something short term and I have no interest in an online relationship, cybering, phone sex or any sort of 'long distance' relationship unless it's going to lead to someone relocating in a fairly short time.

The women I find myself drawn to are attractive, intelligent and creative. I don't expect that to change.

(Yes. This is less. I'm wordy. I do not slot well into a 35-character limited text messaging Twitterized world. You get used to it.)

11/20/2011 10:54:06 PM

Two things...

First -

No one can promise they'll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is that, in the end, the time you spent together will be worth the pain that sometimes happened along the way.

Second -

If you aren't just a little bit depressed, then you aren't paying enough attention to what's going on in the world.

10/30/2011 9:57:38 PM

After an extended hiatus, I've found my way back to this site.

What happened in the interim - had a relationship that lasted several months and then didn't work out (there's a story there but I'll save it for another time), one of my dogs died, and work took a turn for the worse (although it's started improving). Overall, I can't say things have been superb.

It's time for a change. I'm working on what.


Yes. I have mail. I'll be replying to it very shortly. It's taking me forever to catch up.

As an aside - if you're interested in building a tesla coil, let me know. I've got all the pieces now.

2/7/2011 10:00:58 PM

Work is sending me to London tomorrow.


I've never been to London. I'd be excited except I'm pretty sure London in February isn't the ideal scenario.


Just for a couple of days - I fly back Friday.


Work is insane. Worked through the whole weekend.


Some days, it would be nice to have a break, y'know?


On the other, it's good to be employed in all this chaos.

1/24/2011 6:08:42 PM

Sometimes, it doesn't work.

Late Friday, I got sick. Not that namby-pamby "oh, I feel unwell" sick. The "oh my God, everything I ever ate in my entire life is having its revenge on me in the most horrible way possible" sick.

It was a seriously bad scene.

So I spent the better part of Friday night/morning either thrashing around on my bed semi-delerious or stumbling around in a daze. Sleep was out of the question.

So at about 4 AM I faced the hard question of "do I go to Cancun or not".

I am a stubborn cuss.

I went.

Having to cancel two other trips in the past 4 months (for non-health related reasons) played a big factor. I was damned if I was going to cancel another trip.

So I spent the better part of the weekend sick ina hotel room in Cancun. I got down to the beach maybe twice.

I finally started feeling like myself sometime Sunday night.

This morning I got back on the plane and flew home. I felt well enough to read a book on the flight (which ought to highlight just how sick I was). Oh. It was The Count of Monte Cristo, btw.

So, I only vaguely recall most of my weekend, was desperately ill, and couldn't even eat any spicy food.

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

I am the only person on the planet who gets Montezuma's revenge before going to Mexico.


(As an aside, Cancun was lovely. Everyone was friendly. It had the potential to be wonderful. I'll have to go back sometime when I'm actually functional.)

1/19/2011 9:03:00 PM

Found my passport. I fly to Cancun Saturday morning. Sometimes, it works.

1/18/2011 9:18:02 PM

So I'm thinking about taking Monday off and taking a long weekend. Flying somewhere warm and sunny. It would be nice to unwind for a couple of days.

Worked late. Got stuck in traffic coming home. Couldn't find my passport. By the time I did, it was late enough the kennel was closed so I couldn't check if I could board the dogs.

Guess that's for tomorrow.

I will admit that sometimes, not always but sometimes, I could use a Pepper Potts to my ersatz Tony Stark.

1/17/2011 10:21:51 PM

They changed the %#$@&#^ editor. Someone clue me in on how I can see the actual HTML underneath the text so I can crop out some of those <P>s. Thanks.

1/17/2011 10:16:41 PM

There's a number of things I wanted to comment on but time flew by faster than I thought it would so I'll have to scale it down. Let's see...

Do you care that I tore my finger on a bottle top? Probably not. It'll heal.

Do you really want my opinion on the last movie I saw? Eh. It'll keep. (It was Tron:Lgeacy, btw. I like science fiction. You'll get used to it.)

TPE? Ah. Okay, TPE.

I see a lot of people and a lot of profiles discuss TPE. To be blunt, some of you people are idiots and some of you have no clue what you're talking about. Total power exchange is just that total power exchange.

No one starts a relationship day one as a total exchange of power. You may say you are, but you're not. You don't know someone well enough day one to surrender everything. What you start with, even if you want TPE, is partial power exchange until you know someone well enough and trust them enough to move into total power exchange.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Some people may never get past partial power exchange.

There's nothing wrong with that, either.

The minute someone starts telling me that what they want is immediate and complete TPE, warning lights start flashing in the back of my head. TPE is something that is earned, both by the Dom and by the sub. TPE is something that comes over time. The total merger of your lives together to the point of utter surrender of everything and complete responsibility for everything is a huge event. It's not something you just stumble into and it's not something you just drop into out of the blue.

I would certainly expect someone to demonstrate what a superb submissive/slave they are before discussions about TPE came up. I would certainly hope that someone would want to see that a Dominant was competent and capable and more than some text on a screen or a smirk and a crop at some event before they gave up everything.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. You can't force something to work. Either the dynamic is there or it's not. Either you're with someone with whom you can let go and be yourself long term or you're not. If it's going to work, you don't need to rush it. If it's not, nothing you do will make it work. If you were just dealt a bad hand, pushing more chips into the pot doesn't make the cards you've got any better.

Would I be willing to consider TPE?

Yes, with the right woman.

How would we go about getting there?

Do you understand - it's not something we'd work at. It would just happen. It would be a natural result of our interaction over time. We'd probably discuss it somewhere along the way but it would be more of a "I've noticed we're drifting way into TPE" than a "I want this and we're going to do it" kind of thing.

You with me here?

Is this drive for TPE I seem to be seeing the result of some widespread need to be in a relationship that intense all the time? Or is it just the fact that being able to say "I'm in a TPE relationship" is viewed as cooler than "just" being a submissive?

12/26/2010 10:55:23 PM

Wow, is it snowing out there. Must be a foot of snow down already. I put the little dog down (she's about 10-12 pounds) and she vanished into the snow. I had to dig her out.

The bigger one (he's about 25 pounds) loved it. He was having a snowy adventure.

Hopefully the roads will be plowed tomorrow or getting to work might be its own adventure.

'Night all. Hope you had fun over the holidays.

12/26/2010 10:01:30 PM

A couple of weeks ago I'm at this event - I'm not really looking for anything I'm just there to sort of unwind and chat and like that - and I end up talking to this woman. She's one of those subs who's got that sort of "been there, done that" attitude and is rather condescending about it. Not that I can necessarily fault her for it since a lot of Doms are, well, rather more talk than action, if you follow. Not that I'm claiming to be the be-all and end-all of dominance, as I've said before - I find a lot of the more complex and involved activities to be more time-consuming than I'm interested in. I'm all about the dynamic of the relationship rather than mastery of any specific kink - but I digress.

In any event, we're chatting and we end up discussing dominance and she says something like "What would you do that's different than every other Dom out there?". Now, in general I find putting someone on the spot like that isn't really fair - it's like demanding someone be clever or witty or whatever. Someone could be brilliant, funny and a comedic genius and not be able to come up with a choice bon mot on command.

So I look down at her and raise one eyebow (you have no idea how long I practiced that when I was a kid) and I smiled my lopsided smile and said "I would tie you down to the bed..." and I could see her eyes roll as this is probably what everyone else started with "...and I'd fill your belly button with brandy and set it on fire and drink a flaming shot from your navel" and I turned and walked away.

I don't know where that came from, I pretty much just pulled it out of thin air on the spur of the moment, but apparently it (or my disdain) worked for her. She wouldn't leave me alone for the rest of the evening. I'd like to say this was the start of something magical and wonderful - but it's not. As I told one of my friends at the event "Entitled, disinterested and condescending isn't my type". We did exchange e-mail addresses but I don't see a big future there as (as I've said before) I don't particualrly want to be in a continual struggle with my submissive.

Amusingly enough, periodically she gets drunk and sends me some of the most convoluted e-mails - followed the next morning by an e-mail apology. I guess the brandy shots thing has stuck in her mind.

The point of this little missive (aside from keeping you all amused) is that the genesis, the core of what makes things work is the dynamic of your relationship. Not any specific activity or set of activities or whatever. I suppose this is what seperates the kinksters from the lifestyle doms or submissives or whatever you'd care to call them.

I don't really care about whether someone wants to be wrapped in Saran wrap or hung upside down or whatever. I don't really get excited by any given activity and a lot of them I find cumbersome rather than exciting. What I'm looking for is a certain reaction to me and then what I'm interested in is finding whatever it is that triggers her submisiveness. Sometimes I get lucky and lock right onto it - even if it is brandy in the navel.

[Disclaimer: Don't try this at home, kids. We're trained professionals, here. There's me and there's Super Dave Osborne.]

11/9/2010 9:25:43 PM

Back from beyond. Gone for a couple of months.  I know, vanishing like that was rather rude.

The fact is, I met this woman and between that and work - well, my free time was gone and, to be honest, if I'm pursuing something with serious potential, things like spending my time on a dating site (and this site manages to eat time like nobody's business) just don't occur to me.

However, I doubt you care about any of that. Everyone wants the story - so here's the story:

I have this friend ... okay, friend is too strong a word ... I know this guy who's a promoter. He runs events and club nights and like that. So whenever he has a new night or a new opening, he invites every person he knows because he wants a big crowd (you with me here?). He calls me up one Thursday and he's like "You have GOT to come out tonight" and I go "Look. I'm tired. It's late. It's been a long day. I've got work tomorrow. No." and so on ... and he's whining at me and pleading and making noises no human being should make (don't think this is because I'm such a wonderful person,  I suspect he does this to everyone) and finally I go "Okay. Fine. Whatever. I'll make a cameo appearance, as long as I'm covered." and he goes "You are THE BEST".

o I'm standing there with a glass of whiskey under this (of all things) disco ball on a dance floor full of people talking and not dancing and winding my way through the crowd and I see this woman standing up against the wall by the bar.

She was about 5' 9" and had a sort of reddish-brown hair, green eyes and a pretty face but, really, there was something about her posture, something about the way she stood that made me go ROWF - and generally that means she's submissive.

So I walk up and say hi and we get to talking and ... well ... we hit it off like gangbusters. We have an amazing amount in common and we have wicked chemistry. It turns out she's a fashion model.

So we go out. And we go out again. And two weeks go by and we're going out. She's one of those submissives who doesn't know that she's a submissive and that can be a lot of fun.

So let's see ... the best part?

Driving across Honolulu on vacation coming back from shark cage diving, I put the top down on the car and sat back and looked around. She spotted a rainbow and I just smiled and said "Life is good".

The most exciting moment?

It's not what you think. We were making bourbon chicken and she knocked the bourbon over and set the entire top of the stove on fire. It took me a minute to put it out. It's been a while since the adrenaline surged like that. (Although it was fun later - "We do NOT set the stove on fire.")

The problem?

She was a compulsive liar. I don't cotton to deception at all. I became more and more aware of the fact that the things she was telling me didn't make sense or add up, and she only got worse when confronted with it (and I'm not a beat around the bush kind of guy). I now know more about pathological and compulsive lying that I ever really wanted to.

The only things she told me that were true were her name, the state she was born in and what she did for a living. Everything else was untrue. Where she went to school. Where she'd worked. Her age. What her parents did for a living. Everything. It was crazy. After a couple of months it was completely untenable. I don't know if you've ever dealt with a compulsive liar before, but until you have, it's unreal.

Finally, I sit her down and just said "Look. I know you've been saying things that just aren't true. If you just come clean now - admit it and tell me the truth and I'll just let it go and we can start fresh" and she couldn't do it. She's sitting there and lying to me and I know she's lying to me because I've actually found out her age and where she's from and like that and I can see she knows I know and she can't stop. That was it. I told her "We just can't do this anymore" and broke up with her.

I've said it a thousand times. Relationships are built on communication, understanding and trust. This had none of them and I don't need to spend my free waking hours locked in an endless struggle to find out what the woman I'm involved with is lying to me about today.

So after we break up, she calls me and texts me a batch of times and finally she tells me she got knocked down on the street and blacked out and lost a few hours and needs help and, of course, when I show up it turns out this isn't true. I sat her down (again) and said something along the lines of "I broke up with you because you could not stop lying to me and to try and get me back, you're making up stories and telling me lies. Do you understand the fundamental flaw here?"

It's a pity. I really liked her. My friends all think I'm crazy because, after all, she was a model and smoking hot and they can't seem to get their heads around the concept of "I don't care how hot she is if she can't tell me the truth" - although I suspect they would if they were actually in the situation. Maybe not. Guys are dumb.

So, took a little time to get back to my usual even keel since it's not fair to be out and about if you're on the rebound and now I'm back. That's about it.

Well. Okay. There's more, there always is, but this is pretty long for a journal entry. If you bump into me somewhere, ask. I can tell amazing stories - they're even all true.

6/6/2010 6:25:46 PM
I want to thank all the well-wishers and people who asked about the accident and how I was doing. I'm okay now - back in peak shape. The car is still in the shop and may be for weeks.

Life goes on.

6/6/2010 6:24:48 PM
So, the other day I was talking with a friend and he asked me how I could take rejection so well. He said "It doesn't bother you at all when someone turns you down or isn't interested. How do you do that?"

Now, let's be honest. Rejection sucks. No one enjoys being turned down. However, as I explained to him - why would I ever want to be with someone who isn't into me? No one ever wants to feel settled for. That's the worst feeling in the world - to know that the major person in your life views you as a compromise.

There's millions of people out there. I don't expect them all to think I'm the most wonderful thing on two legs. That's life. You've got your goals set way too high if you're looking to never get rejected by anyone.

Don't you want to know that the person you're with is the one you want to be with? Don't you want to be able to look them in the eye and say "You're the one I want."?

If you start with the relationship already being a compromise between what you wanted and what you think you can get - you're building in a big hurdle to have to get across.

5/24/2010 8:33:35 PM
Just to fill you in, the reason I haven't been around all that much was I got into an auto accident. Well, I suppose more accurately, an auto accident found me.

My car was rear-ended by a mail truck. The car was pretty seriously mauled but, apparently, the insurance adjuster thinks it's worth re-building.

Between dealing with the body shop, and the insurance company, and the bank, and the fact that I was in some pain for a couple of days, I have not been as voluble as I typically am. I shall endeavor to catch up.

5/16/2010 10:38:00 PM

I rarely get insomnia. Very rarely. Last night, for whatever reason, I could not sleep so finally I bailed on the idea and went for a long walk. It was a nice night. Gorgeous.

There's a certain true beauty to the night. It's a calmer, more elegant beauty than the day. Daytime is more noisy, more frenetic. Nighttime is more soothing.

So I'm thinking about a couple of things a friend of mine has been wrestling with in her relationship and I might as well lay it out here before I crash for the night.

In any relationship, if you truly care for the other person in your dynamic, whatever it is, you're vulnerable. It doesn't matter if you're Dominant or submissive. It doesn't matter if you're vanilla. That person has the power to hurt you. That's just the way it is. The more open you are, the more of yourself, your real self, that you reveal, the more vulnerable you are. It's inevitable.

People are especially uncomfortable about their sexual needs and desires. Many people go through their whole lives without really addressing them. Secretly fantasizing about something but never - never ever - talking about it, asking for it, or sometimes even really admitting it.

One of the strengths of a D/s relationship, if you do it well, is the honesty. The openness in this area. The ability to look someone you care about in the eyes and say "I need this and I want this and I want it with you" and to not be rejected. To be accepted for who you are and for what you really want, deep inside.

The risk of being vulnerable is the danger of being seen, truly and honestly seen, and being rejected and hurt. Or even of just seeing the disgust, or incomprehension, or shock in someone's eyes. Someone you hoped knew you.

The strength of being vulnerable is opening up like that and being accepted for who you are. Of having someone look deep inside of you, deeper than you've ever dared show anyone, and have them embrace you for who you are. Not put up with it. Not tolerate it. Not love you in spite of it. But want you exactly because of it. That's empowering. That's something that makes you stronger. That adds balance to the center of your world and, I believe, that's something that everyone needs.

I wrote this somewhere else but I'll add it here...

How does someone know they're dominant? You put your hand in her hair at the back of her head and pull her head back until she’s looking into your eyes and you can feel her pulse race and her breath come quicker and you know that she’s wet, and then she’s knows that you’re hard simply because of her response and then she’s more wet, and the feeling just cycles up from there – and you’re dominant and she’s submissive and that’s the whole point.

You don't get that if you can't be honest with each other, if you can't be open. You don't get that if you're afraid you might be rejected or that your partner, your lover might be repelled by you. You can't get there without taking a risk, and risk is scary. But past taking the risk is getting to where you understand and you know who you're with and that they know and understand you and that they want you for who you are.

And that's the whole point.


5/16/2010 10:02:47 PM
Just taking a moment to make a couple of things clear...

If you're married I can appreciate the fact that for whatever reason your husband doesn't do it for you and something deep inside you is telling you that *I* somehow would ... but if there's a problem with your marriage the solution is not to involve me - the solution is to either take the time to work out whatever the problem is with your spouse or to decide that the situation is completely unworkable and end the marriage and move on. I have no interest in being some sort of filler for what's missing in your life nor in being a bridge for you to get out of a relationship you're not happy with.

I can also appreciate the fact that you're involved in some sort of open or polyamorous relationship and you think that I might be someone you'd like to spend some time with in a rather intense way - but that's not the way I roll. I'd want more than you'd be willing to give - at which point one of us would be wasting our time.

When asked about why I feel this way - which I get with some frequency as apparently my attitude is somewhat unusual - my general answer, which has to do with things like honor and commitment and honesty and integrity doesn't seem to really strike a chord so I'll try this another way...

I'm greedy. I want it ALL. An obedient body isn't enough. I want the mind. I want the heart. I want everything. I want the insight and I want the wit and I want the understanding and I want an amazing fucktoy. I want there to be no part of my sub that I don't have. Nothing left out. Nothing excluded. Nothing held back. I want to look at her and I want to say "ALL MINE" and have her feel it behind her eyes and in her chest and in her sex and down to her toes and know that it's true and feel comforted by it and know that it won't change.

I have no interest in settling for less and it is insulting for you to presume that I would. Maybe that explains it in a more comprehensible way.

While I'm at it and at the risk of adding negativity to a journal that I don't want to be negative since I'm not a downer kind of guy...

Things work because you both put in the effort to make them work. Things fail because one or the other or both of you are not willing to put in the effort to stop them from failing. That's not a value judgement because sometimes it's just not worh the effort - but it means that relationships take work.

Distance isn't necessarily a problem if one party or the other is willing to relocate. If not then, duh, it's a big problem. I am not willing to relocate currently since I happen to have a rather good job and I like where I live. Obviously if you're rich beyond the dreams of avarice, this might be negotiable but under ordinary circumstances, it's not. However, I don't necessarily have an issue relocating someone else but - pay attention here - there is no way in Heaven and Earth that I would ever make that sort of commitment with someone I've never even met. I would expect to meet and meet with some frequency before something like that came up. You with me here?

Lastly - life is tough. Life can be harsh. You don't go through life without getting some dents in you. I don't expect perfection. I expect a real person and real people have ... nuances. However, I'm not a therapist. I do not have a degree in psychiatry. To quote Dirty Harry, "A man's got to know his limitations." I can handle shy, insecure, unsure, or troubled but sanity is not an optional extra. I can help and support - I'm not going to "fix" someone and if that's what you're looking for - my advice is to address your problems first before looking to get into a serious relationship.

Oh! Post scriptum. If you really want to tick me off  - mail me, introduce yourself, ask me a batch of questions and then have your filters set so that you can't see my reply.

3/8/2010 6:20:16 PM
If you're with the right person then you can have a good time anywhere - buying groceries, doing the laundry, whatever.

If you're with the wrong person, it doesn't matter where you are - you could be in the midst of the most wonderful event ever - you're going to have a miserable time.

It's not what you do, it's who you're with.

1/25/2010 9:46:09 PM
As an aside, I have probably had more dates in the past year than I have in my entire life (which isn't all that much mind, since I never really dated all that much - I did end up in a number of long-term relationships - which is not akin to dating) and I have this to say:

Dating is a very poorly designed social ritual. It pretty much sucks. The odds of finding someone seriously compatible through the dating process must be significantly low.

There must be a better way.

It is however somewhat interesting, in a research sort of way, as this is what normal people do regularly. No wonder they're so messed up.

1/18/2010 9:51:46 PM
I now have the song "Dulcinea" from Man of La Mancha stuck in my head. I don't think I've heard the song or seen the musical in a decade. How did this happen!?

1/8/2010 10:15:32 PM
A little while ago, I was at a get together with a batch of friends. Purely social. There was this one woman there, slim, blonde, pretty, glasses - seemed kind of shy - and, y'know, we made eye contact and there was that 'pop'. That spark. You know what I mean. You can't fake that if it's not there.

So I walked over to her and intoduced myself and we got to talking. Along the way she said something funny and I put my hand on her arm and suddenly *bam* she had goosebumps. All over her body. Up and down her arms, her legs, pretty much every visible inch of skin except her face.

I could feel my eyes go wide and I said something like "That's fascinating. Does this kind of thing happen often?"

And she said "It's never happened before..." and blushed like a sunset.

So we ended up talking for the majority of the evening, pretty much in our own little world together, and later on in the night we made a date to get together later in the week and I gave her my phone number. She hugged me goodbye and sure enough, broke out in goosebumps all over.

She never showed and she never called. My friends who were at the party don't really know who she is or who she came with - friend of a friend of a friend kind of thing.

Was she too nervous to come out? Too shy to call? Did she have a boyfriend? Was she on vacation and had to get back to home thousands of miles away? Odds are I'll never know.

1/3/2010 4:40:54 PM

The latter half of 2009 wasn't very good. I've had two close relatives in the hospital and attended the funeral of another. I've had surgery, which had complications, and work has had a number of ups and downs. As such, things over the past six months have been sporadic at best.

I apologize for any delayed responses, lost threads, or lack of availability. Sometimes life just takes precedence.

I have a sort of gut feeling that 2010 is going to be better. Thanks to everyone who's been there and I hope that everyone has a grand new year.

Be well and be good.

10/11/2009 7:30:32 PM
Back from SF. It's a nice city. Would have been nice to have more time there. We'll see if work needs someone to head back that way anytime soon.

Had a great time, very relaxing. Sadly, it's back to work tomorrow.

Oh! Sadly, it looks like the economic downturn has hit SF really badly.

10/4/2009 8:31:46 PM

We're building an office in San Francisco. Who has to go out and make sure that the construction is actually going according to plan?


Is this a good thing?


The initial plan was I would fly out Wednesday night, sit in a meeting at 10 AM, tour the floor after that then get on a plane and fly back Thursday afternoon.

I managed to get across the idea that spending 16+ hours on a plane to spend two hours in SF wasn't really that great of an idea. I'll now be flying back Saturday so I at least have two days in SF.

What's in San Francisco to do?

9/30/2009 7:22:39 PM
So many people want to rush into something. To have that connection. To have the empty space, that hole, filled in so that everything will "okay".

Something real takes time.

If you've found the right person, then things will happen and things will work out. If you haven't, you can't force them to - you can't make a relationship work if you're not really compatible.

You love someone for who they are - abnormalities, imperfections and all. In the early stages of the "dating ritual", everyone has their best face on, deliberately or not, because they don't want to be rejected. It takes time to find out what someone's like when they're upset, or stressed, or angry, or afraid. It takes time to find out if you're comfortable with them in these situations and if they're comfortable with you.

What's more important - to be going out with someone instead of being alone, or to be going out with the right person?

9/30/2009 7:03:27 PM
September was just about a perfect storm of badness and I'm pretty much glad the month is over. It's a pity because in many ways September is my favorite month but this time around, well, everything that could have went wrong.

I went back and cleaned out a batch of journal entries as I'm not looking to have my journal be a long series of sad stories, complaints and overall downbeat stuff.

The good news is everything that was problematic is pretty much over and hopefully October will be back to normal.

I owe some apologies to everyone I was talking to since I basically dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of weeks there but all I can really do is say mea culpa with some extenuating circumstances. If you really want to hear about them, I can go into detail but it's not particularly interesting as a story, it was just unpleasant to go through.

9/23/2009 6:09:11 PM
In other news, I have acquired a new keyboard and damn but it's good. My typing is far more accurate and I can type a lot faster.

9/23/2009 6:08:24 PM
One of the things I notice more and more, as I get older, is how much people run, hide, distract themselves or avoid the parts of themselves that disturb them or make them afraid.

What am I saying?

At this concert we were at, the artist would stop periodically and explain what was behind a song or what inspired him or offer some interesting tidbit.

All the songs he likes are long, sad slow songs. But he's known as an old school raver and all his well-known music is a much more intense sort of techno. He doesn't actually like those songs and was fairly dismissive of them.

Dude, if the songs that reflect you are all slow and sad but you've spent most of your life at raves and writing intense pulsating techno ... it seems obvious to me that there's all sorts of stuff inside that you're just not looking at too closely.

But it's not just him - it's everyone. You lose yourself in something - a person, a sport, a game, work, a hobby, an obsession, food, whatever it is - and part of that is it allows you to avoid life. To not have to be yourself for a little while and deal with what's around you and to, instead, lose yourself in something else.

You see it in the scene a lot, too. How someone is riveted by something but afraid of it. They circle around it, like moths at a light bulb, getting close and bouncing away and getting close and bouncing away because it attracts and terrifies them at the same time.

Life is meant to be lived. It doesn't go away when you try and hide from it. You need to learn to embrace the parts of yourself that scare you - because they're still you. They don't go away if you try and put them in a box and sit on the lid.

Sometimes you just have to swallow hard and jump into the pool. Otherwise you never learn to swim.

I'm not saying dive into the deep end of the pool without a lifejacket or a float - but standing at the edge of the pool and staring at the other people in the water is never going to give you the sense of freedom that comes from understand who you are and doing what you want to do.

9/7/2009 9:07:37 PM
My keyboard is slowly dying. The L key only works sporadically now, which makes typing anything a pain in the %#$@&#%$.


In other news, I forgot that my dog figured out how to roll the windows down in the car, so today he nearly gave me a heart attack when he pushed down the window button in the back seat and stuck his head out as we were driving down the freeway.

I need to remember to put the child safety locks on when he's in the car.

9/7/2009 9:05:31 PM
Life is pretty crazy right now - work is busier than it has been in some time and since I need to renew a number of technical certifications this month I'm spending a fair amount of time studying and/or taking practice tests. Fortunately, this only needs to be done once every three years but I tell you, cramming for exams doesn't get any less irksome as time goes on.

I don't have an enormous amount of free time right now as a result of this. While wandering through this site and browsing profiles or the forums is easy (and kind of addictive, actually) actually writing intelligent articulate e-mails takes me some time and brainpower that right now is better put to getting things done.

All of that being said - it still brightens my day to see mail in the inbox so don't hesitate to wing me a message.

A couple of caveats if we haven't spoken before:

It's a huge plus if you actually say something in your message as opposed to 'hi' or one simple sentence. It takes two to tango - or communicate, as the case may be.

A picture is totally worth a thousand words. beyond the simple (and important) matter of attraction, how someone wears their body can tell you a lot about them.

It's even nicer if you've filled out your profile.

If you're less than half my age, I sort of blithely assume that we lack so many common reference points that the odds of a relationship working are extremely low. This doesn't mean it's impossible but it does mean that I consider it highly unlikely. If for some reason you think I'm mistaken, then the onus is on you to convince me - I'm not going to be trying to convince you.

If all you're looking for is something online or long distance, I'm not interested. I doubly have no interest in becoming invested in something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Life is meant to be lived and the person you're with should be a joy to you and something that makes your life better. Tell me something that makes you feel good about yourself or that inspires you. Too many people spend too much time being critical and upset. Life can be harsh and life can be tough, but there are the moments that make it worth living and that's what people need to focus on.

8/26/2009 3:56:48 PM
Did you ever write a word and then look at it and it didn't look right even thought you know you spelled it right?

That happened to me today with the word 'terrible'. I know I spelled it right. I know it has 2 Rs and only one B and one L.



For my own peace of mind I replaced it with the word 'unfortunate'.

But it still doesn't look right.

I hate it when that happens.

8/25/2009 8:32:31 PM
It's been two days and I'm back-logged on my mail again. I'm kind of amazed. I'm tired tonight so I'm going to walk the dogs and go crash since tomorrow is an early day.

I should have some free time tomorrow night. I'll catch back up then.

8/24/2009 8:12:08 PM

     Recently, I’ve noticed a number of people complaining about trust or, more accurately, the lack thereof. That they have no one they can trust. That their friends aren’t trustworthy. There are variations on this theme, but the song remains the same. I find this particularly frightening because, in many cases, the people making these complaints know the same people I do ... and I believe that I know a large number of highly trustworthy people. Therefore, someone isn't seeing things clearly ... which is a matter of misperception ... or someone is missing something ... which is a lack of understanding.

     So I wanted to expound upon the concept of trust in a couple of ways. Before I go into specifics, I think we need to discuss trust, because there are various kinds of trust and definition of terms is key before we bounce around the ideas. Now according to my good friend Noah Webster, trust is defined as:

Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

     When you say you “trust someone”, you can be saying a number of different things:

You could be saying that you have faith that someone will do what they say they will do. That they are reliable. They'll arrive when they say they will. If they say they'll help you change the head gasket on your engine, they will. If the show starts at 9:00 and you agree to meet at 8:30, they'll be waiting for you at the venue, tickets in hand, at 8:30. The opposite end of reliability is flakiness, which is a nicer way of saying that someone is unable to follow through on anything they commit to.

You could be saying that you are confident that they are exactly what they appear to be and who they say they are. That they have integrity. This is a sort of self-honesty, where they understand who they are and their outward face matches their inner face. What they say behind your back matches what they say to your face. What they say they believe in and support doesn't change depending on what crowd they're in or who they're talking to. They are themselves when they are with you and what they present to you is not a facade designed to influence you in some way. At the other end of the integrity scale someone is regarded as a hypocrite or a fake, which basically says they someone mainatins a false front used to manipulate or deceive the people they are interacting with for their own ends.

Lastly, you could be saying that you believe that they won't hurt you, betray you, and will be there for you when you need them to be. We call this loyalty. This is a combination of support, help and the ability to make personal sacrifice to benefit a person you care about. If you get drunk in a bar one night, they'll get you home okay. If you get into trouble with the police, they'll bail you out. I don't need to go into this, you know what loyalty is. At the extreme end of the spectrum on the other side, I suppose you'd call a person mercenary or self-serving if they lacked all loyalty.

     In any event, I tend to view the three major components of trust as being reliability, integrity and loyalty. Interestingly enough, these are also the core components of honor, but this could spin off into an entirely different dissertation.

     As a second aside ... none of these three attributes are necessarily good or evil. They can be used either way. A perfectly reliable person can be a serial killer. ("I'm going to kill you at 6:00 PM on Friday by pulling your intestines out of your nose.") You can be a complete self-centered asshole and still have integrity, as long as you can be honest about it and equally assholic to everyone around you. Being flawlessly loyal to a ruthless dictator committing genocide is regarded as a crime against humanity. So theoretically, someone truly evil could still be regarded as "trustworthy".

     That being said, people do tend to have a strong regard for people who they feel are trustworthy, or honorable. Even if it's grudging because that person is on the opposite side, an enemy, or has other flaws, the regard is still there. So being trustworthy is considered a "good thing" even if you can be evil and do it.

     Now then, all of this being said, let's get down to brass tacks.

     Are there trustworthy people out there and do you know any?

     Well ... I suppose this, in part, depends on what you mean by "trustworthy". If by "trustworthy" you mean that you're looking for someone who will never hurt you, always be there for you, never lie to you, always be up front with you, and never deceive you about themselves or what they want in any way ... ummm ... your standards are way too high. You're not looking for a Superman, you're looking for a Supergod. You'll never find that person because they don't exist. Even if someone tried, since no one is even able to be completely honest with themselves, they'll fail if you require it when they deal with you.

     If by "trustworthy" you mean someone who means well, truly likes you and will make an effort to help and support you, can be relied on to make good attempts to follow through on promises and agreements and succeeds more often than not, tries to be honest and consistent and doesn't deliberately act fake to get what they want from people ... then yes, there are millions of them out there. Now in a world of 8 plus billion, that may not make up a majority, but I personally know dozens, so I know there are a lot of trustworthy people out there.

     What I suspect people mean when they say that they don't "know anyone trustworthy" is that they "don't know anyone they can trust" ... which is a different kettle of fish. The question then is ... why can't you trust anyone you know? Which has a lot more to do with you than it does with the people around you. Sometimes it's simply an inability to open up or to let go of certain fears. Sometimes it's a self-punishment (and I've seen this more than you think) of not allowing yourself to have decent supportive people in your life. Sometimes it's something else.

     I've also recently come to realize that some people develop a rather vicious anti-trust dynamic. They drive away or create distance with the trustworthy people in their lives and attract and reward the untrustworthy. Obviously enough, this can be ... bad.

     See, at the core of this is ... you have to trust to get trust. If you can't, the trustworthy go away.

     What am I saying?

     Trust is a reward. Trust is a compliment. Withholding trust is an insult. Withholding trust hurts. When someone offers you their help, compassion, sympathy and/or support and you withdraw, refuse, distance yourself or blow them off, you are hurting them.

     And people know.

     They do.

     You don't have to look them in the eye and say "I don't trust you". When they ask you if something's wrong and you say "Nothing." and it's obvious you're lying, what you just said is "I don't trust you". When someone asks what they can do to help, or suggests something and you tell them they can't help you or (worse yet) let someone do exactly what the first person offered while you wouldn't let them, you are insulting them. You are telling them you don't trust them and, in the latter case, saying that there is someone else you would let help you. You're telling them that they don't qualify for your trust.

     This is actually a pretty harsh insult.

     If you do enough of it, even the most compassionate person will stop trying. They don't want to be rejected anymore. Rejection hurts. So if you can't trust, and you keep rebuffing the trustworthy, even if it's unconscious, the trustworthy will leave you alone. Or they'll be around but maintain a certain emotional distance, since it's the only safe thing they can do.

     Which means you'll end up surrounded by the kind of people who don't care if you trust them or not, or if you can be open with them or not, or if you can let them in or not. Basically, the unreliable, the flakes, the hypocrites, the fakes, the mercenary and the self-serving. You may also possibly get a leavening of the unempathetic and the unobservant, who can't tell that you're rejecting them or can't detect the times they should be displaying loyalty and compassion and integrity and so don't know when to offer it and so don't get rebuffed. This really isn’t a very good crowd to hang out with, especially if your goal is to be surrounded by the trustworthy.

     Also ... keep in mind ... to the trustworthy, trust is of critical importance. Someone with a lot of integrity, reliability and loyalty doesn’t deal well with someone who isn’t up front, aboveboard and straightforward with them. They feel uneasy when things get shifty. This is one of the key parts of “you have to trust to get trust”. If what you do or the way you act radiates the “I don’t trust you” dynamic, the trustworthy feel uncomfortable. So they’ll always be edgy around you.

     The boil down is, if you feel you don’t know anyone trustworthy … I don’t think it’s them ... I think it’s you. You need to take a long look at what you’re doing and how you react and who exactly you’re choosing to spend your time with.

     If what you’re telling me is you’re surrounded by liars, cheats, hypocrites, fakes and flakes ... well ... time to find a new crowd to hang out with.

     If what you’re telling me is, you can’t find anyone who is trustworthy ... then you need to take a long look at just what sort of dynamic you create in your interpersonal interactions ... and why you can’t be comfortable around anyone who is trustworthy.

     If what you’re telling me is that no one in the world is trustworthy because everyone is innately evil, vile and vicious ... ummm ... I’d say you need to expand your worldview ... but there is a possibility that I’m wrong and everyone is evil and I’ve somehow missed it.

     But I doubt that.

     Finally, and to wrap things up … in the immortal words of David Drake: “Everyone has to trust something – even if it’s not trustworthy.” People have a need to have someone or something they can rely on. If you can’t find anything that you can trust, you will manufacture something. Which will ultimately fail you since it’s entirely fiction, which will only serve to exacerbate the problem down the road. Try taking a step back, and looking around and seeing if you can find someone who has even one or two of the three attributes. Try spending more time with them. The trustworthy tend to flock together. 

     Beyond that ... trustworthiness can be learned. If you spend all your time with reliable, compassionate, loyal people ... it rubs off on you. If you spend your time with unreliable self-serving fakes ... parts of you erode away (I have a whole other diatribe on this one so I’ll skip the rant that goes here).

     It’s not like anyone has the ability to completely stop reaching out and trying ... the best I can suggest is to try and make an educated effort rather than one based on random chance or impulse. 

     The trustworthy are out there.

     I see them every day.

     The truly trustworthy enjoy feeling like they’ve helped people. They also enjoy feeling trusted. 

     This means that they’re looking for you.

     Give it a shot.

8/23/2009 11:09:02 PM
In the short time I've been on this site, I've been asked a number of times how did I realize I was dominant - I've even been asked this by a couple of doms. I suppose it's a fair question. For those of you trying to figure things out for yourself, I don't know if my experiences are going to help you but for your edification, I'll simply post the story here so as to spare myself the need to repeat it going forward.

Quite some time ago, I was at this get together (party would be too strong a word) at someone's house - I hadn't met many of the people there, it was a sort of a friend of a friend deal - but I'm usually up for meeting new people and I did know a number of people there peripherally and it's always good to be able to put a face or a voice to a name.

So I met this one woman, she was maybe 5' 3", pale, and had really long really red hair and damn but I wanted her. I wanted her like there was no tomorrow. I'm not talking chemistry - that sort of electric pop when you meet someone and just know that you have a physical and emotional connection, or love in that "Sweet Mystery Of Life At Last I've Found You" sort of way - I'm talking lust. Straight out, pulse racing, bang-her-off-the-wall lust.

I couldn't figure out why. Pale or not pale doesn't matter to me and I don't really care about hair-color. She wasn't bad looking but she wasn't drop-dead gorgeous either. I couldn't figure it out but whatever she had was working for me.

So we exchange e-mail addresses and we're chatting online for the next couple of days until we're both free and can get together and I'm trying to work what about her I find so riveting. Maybe she moves like my first girlfriend? No. Is there something about her expressions that reminds me of someone? No.

I can't claim that we went on a date, we just sort of hung out and eventually we ended up at my place. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was in the kitchen getting some drinks and she walked in to ask me something and I just turned and kissed her right there.


We left a trail of clothes to the bedroom. It was exciting. It was fun. It was everything I'd hoped for ... and afterwards ... she just kind of laid there giggling and twitching uncontrollably for seven or eight minutes. When she recovered I was like "I've never seen anything like that before. Does that happen all the time?" and she looked at me and said "No. It's never been like that."

My ego probably grew three sizes right there.

So, obviously we spent a *lot* of time together and we had a lot of sex. I would always initiate and whatever I wanted to do, she would do. And we'd talk about what we were into. Things she was interested in trying, things I wanted to do that I'd never done before, things she was fascinated with but was afraid of ... and sooner or later, we'd do them. And she'd always end up giggling and twitching afterwards.

This isn't to say we didn't go to movies or shows or take trips or do, y'know, real life stuff as well. We did. We just also spent a lot of time having a lot of sex.

So one weekend we're in bed, and I told her to do something and she looked at me and said "I really like it when you tell me what to do" and BAM ... it all came together. It clicked. I could feel the pieces slide together in the back of my head. It's like I could feel the world spin around me as everything oriented itself.

We were in a D/s relationship and I was the Dom and she was the sub. In retrospect, it was blatantly obvious. I came up with the ideas, I decided what we would do, I made the plans, picked the movies, etc. etc. and she enjoyed making them happen. She wanted me to tell her to do stuff and she felt good when she did it. And I liked it. At some low level I'd seen it in her and she'd seen it in me when we met and we just went with it.

Beyond that, well, once the light comes on - you can't turn it back off. You like what you like and you get off on what you get off on and you look for those things.

If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't - I can't tell you what you can do to trigger that moment. All I can really say is that sooner or later it will come to you. You can't force it and while you can fight it (and I have known some people who have), I don't think that's healthy in the long run.

If you're reading this and you want to message me and get stuck on what to say - tell me how you realized you were submissive. Or dominant. Or whatever it is you are. It always says something about you and it's a good way to start a conversation, at least for a site like this.

Okay. It's late. Tomorrow is a busy day. I'm outta here.

As Edward R. Murrow would say - good night and good luck.

8/22/2009 11:41:20 PM
I've finally caught up on my mail. Hopefully things will be calmer going forwards.

8/19/2009 6:58:43 PM
Well, they reorganized my company and I'm now in charge of an entire new department as well as my old one.

This is a seriously mixed blessing - as it's nice to know in these troubled economic times that my employment is assured for the foreseeable future - but getting home after 8 PM when you get up for work at 6 AM doesn't leave you a lot of time for the little amenities like reading everything you want to on a fetish site.

Hopefully once I get the mess this department is straightened out, life will return to some form of acceptable scheduling.

In other news, we had the most amazing thunderstorms here last night. Don't you just love that?

8/9/2009 9:16:01 PM
I had the video card on my PC burn out and it took me a couple of days to replace it. I haven't been off gallivanting around the globe (I wish!) or ignoring people - I've just been busy and waiting for the new board to arrive.

7/30/2009 9:14:32 PM

A couple of people have asked me to expand on what I mean by having no "fixed set of activities". Okay, let me offer an example.

Some time ago I was going out with this woman who could have the most intense orgasms simply from someone stroking her collarbone. (Don't ask, I don't know. It's just the way she was.) She also found enormous excitement from public play - not so much from an exhibitionist standpoint but from the thrill or the frisson of potentially getting caught. It was more the embarrassment, or the potential for embarrassment that excited her, I suppose.

So periodically when we were out at a bar, or in a nightclub, or at an art museum or what have you, I would come up behind her and rub her shoulders and whisper in her ear not to move or make any noise and just move my hands down until I was massaging her collarbones.

Well, as you can imagine, the results of this simple activity ranged from exciting to downright impressive. The more impressive results gave me the opportunity to punish her later since she hadn't remained quiet, but that only added to the intensity of the experience, if you follow.

After a while, things had gotten to the point where, just by talking to her about doing something like this, or speculating where I might take her and play with her collarbones, she would get stimulated to the point where ... well, let's just let that go.

The point I'm trying to make is - do I have some collarbone fetish? No. Would it ever have occurred to me if I hadn't met her to stand with my sub in the Van Gogh wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art and give her a backrub as an act of dominance? No.

Am I particularly interested in playing in public. Eh. Do I get any sort of personal charge out of potentially getting caught at it? Not really.

My pleasure, my enjoyment, came from her reaction to this (admittedly) unique set of circumstances. I don't believe that this could be replicated with anyone else and it doesn't need to be since every woman is different. Every one has an equivalent interaction (or more than one, actually) and the joy is in finding it and mastering it.

And this is a tame example (well, not for her but you follow my meaning). It didn't require preparation or set up or much more than some time to go out and a free hand. After we'd been going out for a while, it didn't even require that since just talking about it could be enough.

I'm not interested in "okay, now it's time to do A, B & C" on some regular basis - I'm interested in exploring and finding out what works. Sometimes - many times - people don't even know what works for them and are shocked when something suddenly turns them on. Sometimes they find out that something powerfully excites them and they find it terrifying that it does.

Hopefully that explains it well enough that you can follow my line of reasoning. If you want to know anything else or are curious about something, don't hesitate - message away.

7/28/2009 6:46:43 PM

Telling me how cool I look and how you must chat with me right away on Yahoo only works if I've actually put a picture up.

I need to put something positive in here. This journal shouldn't be a bunch of rants about scammers.

7/27/2009 7:33:20 PM
Okay. Look. I'm not going to send you any money, pay to relocate you from Nigeria, or pay to see you on your cam site or whatever.

If your profile is full of broken English and bad syntax, I'm going to assume you're a scammer.

If you only have one (1) picture and it looks like a photo from a magazine and you can't produce any others, ever, I'm going to assume you're not for real.

If you actually have poor grammar and can't afford a camera, we can work on that but you're going to have to go the extra mile and convince me that you really exist.

I've been on here less than a week and some of the things I've seen have boggled the mind. Do doms actually fall for these things!? Do subs get the same amount of just outright poor attempts to scam money?

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