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IndigoEris

IndigoEris - photo 3
IndigoEris - photo 4
IndigoEris - photo 5

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Friends:
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I am a Thelemite and a member of the Ordo Templi Orientis. I'm polyamourous. As much as I respect someone's right to be monogamous, and would certainly respect the boundaries of their relationship, I don't really understand it. There are too many people to love to confine myself to just one for the rest of my life. And serial monogamy... well, why give up one lover for another when you can all have each other and have a wealth of love to go around? I think no one person can fulfill all of the needs of any other one person. We're social creatures, and it seems natural to me to seek out various individuals to fulfill our various needs. Unmet needs eventually become frustrations, which become issues I love deep, soul shaking, rough, primal sex. The kind that's so encompassing, you lose yourself in it, and you lose all thought-- you don't think about who you are, or what you're doing, or where you're at-- you're immersed in the raw and primal exchange of each other and nothing else exists. I prefer dominant men. Not necessarily a man who proclaims himself a Dom, but one who tends to have a commanding presence. The kind of man people naturally follow. The kind you find yourself obeying without thinking about it. If I have to make a conscious effort to "submit" to someone, then clearly we don't share that D/s dynamic naturally, and I find it to be very difficult to engage in any kind of power exchange with them. I don't mean to imply there are "real Doms" versus.... uhm, "pretend Doms", or "fake Doms"?, I don't believe in that nonsense. I think that every exchange between two (or more) people is unique unto itself. Each encounter we have with someone holds it's own dynamic. I don't think D/s or any other dynamic can be faked.... well, at least, not for me. It's there, or it isn't. And just because it's there between you and someone else, doesn't mean it will be there between you and me. We may share an entirely different connection. (or none at all). Some thoughts and interests - I love all things Steampunk and am an ameture at modding gadgets. I make all kinds of costumes when I have the time and energy. Steampunk, Middle Eastern, renaissance, Victorian, fetish, masquerade, cyber, and more. I love decorating my home so each room seems like a different world. Dark and sinister fairy tales are a bit of a fetish. I love the occult. I used to hate excersize but after my kidney and pancreas transplant caused muscle atrophy I'm a huge fan of it and I work out as often as I'm able. More to come as I think of it... .

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10/2/2012 7:32:48 AM
Currently updating my profile. It's a work in progress.

4/21/2008 12:33:29 AM
Well, we thought we were in the clear but the docs decided, though I fall under the line for concern about Downs syndrome and spina bifida, I'm still a bit too close to it for comfort. So I had more blood drawn, more tests, and in May I have a gazillion appointments to assess, double check, and re-assess how high the risk factor is. They say don't worry. If they were worried I'd already be having the amnio scentisis (sp?) test. Which is what comes next if they aren't reasured by this current battery of tests. I also get to look forward to bi-weekly ultrasounds and non-stress tests. Not sure what that one is yet. On top of all this my regular OB isn't comfortable caring for me on her own and thinks I should transfer to the high risk OB's care. The problem is they're in different hospitals. She's in the one I have my heart set on delivering at. He's in the one that's much more.... well ghetto seems to be the best word, even if it's not polite. I feel very strongly about the environment my baby is born into. I don't want the cold clinical feel of most hospitals. I don't want staff that work in such an unfortunate environment that they've ceased to really care. I don't want to be just another delivery. The hospital I chose has one of the best maternity centers in the country. If you're lost, you don't wander around forever trying to figure out where to go-- people actually ask if they can help you and they're friendly. And they'll even walk you to your destination. I've been in a lot of hospitals and this is not "the norm".

Yeah, I'm moody and emotional. Yay hormones! Heh!

On the bright side the ultrasound for the multivariate screen may also reveal the baby's sex. I'm SO looking forward to that. Then we can put some serious thought to names! :D

4/20/2008 1:35:48 AM
I've begun to question whether this lifestyle is right for me. Or maybe the right question is, does it really work for me? As much as my soul aches for the power exchange of D/s, I find thus far, I wind up feeling isolated and adrift. I'm not sure if it's that Doms are inherently self absorbed, to the extent that the eventuality is that one fades into the background when the novelty has worn off, or if my expectations and perceptions of their intent are unrealistic or completely misunderstood. I do generally take someone at their word... perhaps that is a character flaw. Maybe I'm missing the unspoken fine print.... the clause that states every intention expressed is based on the level of convenience involved in following through, and only applies for the duration that the exchange remains shiny and sparkly.
I'm tired. My heart is tired. I'm soul weary. I shouldn't have to be in a perpetual state of confusion about what is going on in a relationship, that above all others, should include absolute communication. I can stay adrift for only so long.
Perhaps this is simply the nature of D/s? If it is, maybe I've outgrown it.... outgrown the need to put myself into circumstances that practically guarantee stress, anxiety, and heartache. Maybe it's not healthy to enter into an exchange that requires so much trust and puts me at such an extreme disadvantage. Or maybe.... if it feels like it might be a disadvantage, I'm trying to trust the wrong person.
I don't know. I have too many thoughts and emotions to convey with any accuracy.

4/4/2008 6:57:14 AM
I finally saw the high risk OB. I wasn't expecting it to go especially well. Usually when I see a new doctor they get all serious on me and either treat me with disbelief, or like I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. This is because I have a rare medical condition most of them have never heard of. When I attended the National Institute of Health they called  it Metabolic Syndrome X. Usually it's severe insulin resistance related to diabetes and obesity, and associated with advanced age. I'm a bit of a medical anomaly. I'm neither obese, nor old. And I never actually developed diabetes. (though it may come later in life) Just the extreme insulin resistance. I had an endocrinologist once tell me it's medically impossible for me to be this insulin resistant and NOT be obese. She sent me to N.I.H.  Heh, I've also been told I can't get pregnant. Or carry to full term. Apparently these assessments are inaccurate.
Anyway this OB didn't even blink. He did, however, explain some things about M.S.X that I didn't know. That was awesome! Because I research it all the time, I'm accustomed to knowing more about it than my doctors do. He did agree it's strange that I'm so petite. (I've actually lost about 4 or 5 pounds since I got pregnant, I'm only 113 now.) But he was impressed with how well controlled my blood glucose is and says, all things considered, everything looks really good. He reviewed the results from the Nuchal Translucency measurement and the baby seems healthy, I seem as healthy as can be expected and with some medication adjustments it appears to be a healthy pregnancy. This is one of the few times in my life I've left a doctors office feeling confident about the doctor, AND about how I'm doing.... and thank the powers that be that I can be confident about the health of my baby. We're going to be just fine.

3/26/2008 4:41:51 PM
On Monday I had an OB appointment. I thought it was just a follow up, but we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. I totally broke down and cried. I think in part it was relief that there was something to hear and in part because it was so beautiful and amazing to hear that little heart beating inside of me along with my own. It's got to be the most beautiful I've ever heard. Especially after last year's blighted ovum. There really is an amazing little life inside of me! Even Voron got a little misty eyed.

On Friday I go for another blood draw and then Genetic Screening/Counceling, and the Nuchal Transparency measurement. *fingers crossed*

3/26/2008 4:27:25 PM
Honesty

There is more to a healthy relationship than love, or loyalty, or even communication. These are all vital but without honesty there can be no truth. Nor can there be true communication. For some reason, that I'm sure Voron could explain astrologically, (he's good like that) I am very hung up on honesty. It seems for me to be a pivotal determiner in any relationship. I don't sweat the little things. The things you leave out because you don't think about them, or the things that are negligible details. Life is so full of those there is no way to convey everything. It's the lies of ommision, the blatant lies that get me. It's the intent to deceive that really bothers me. I simply can't tolerate it. Maybe that's a flaw in me but I'm hard wired that way. I'm not saying I've never lied, but when I have, I've regretted it and it lies heavy on my conscience. Pun intended. But I do my damnedest to be as honest as possible because I've learned the hurt and confusion it causes. It leaves lasting scars and that is perhaps why I feel so strongly about it. I don't want to cause someone the pain I know too well. I don't want someone I love to be unable to trust me, or unable to rely on me.
Is it possible to relax my rigid expectation of honesty in otheres? I don't expect honesty from everyone, quite the opposite actually. I think there a lot of people whi lie to ease social tension or avoid conflict. And I've been guilty of it too. But my loved ones, my mates... are my expectations, my insistance of absolute honesty, unrealistic?

Just some thoughts of the moment.





3/21/2008 6:53:56 AM
We're having a baby!

I'm not sure why I waited so long to post here. I've already posted on Myspace and LiveJournal. Maybe because I only started posting on CM recently. Or maybe because I wanted to be sure this time would be ok. I had a miscarriage last summer and it was pretty rough for all of us. I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. Getting rhrough the first trimester is a good indicator that the baby will make it. The ultrasound indicated the little tyke is very healthy, with a strong heart beat and he/she is very active, swimming all around, waving, and kicking up a storm. I find myself hoping that won't mean I'll be miserable once I can feel the kicking, heh. I had no idea they were so active at this stage! It was adorable to watch. I even got a little teary. (damn hormones!)

I always thought being pregnant would suck but I'm actually enjoying it for the most part... especially now that the morning sicknes is begining to subside.

Voron's not on CM but you can congratulate Robert! (n4cht)

Now I'm off to resume my quest for cool, hip, & modern maternity and baby stuff!


3/16/2008 10:50:39 AM
Things that make me especially happy:

Doodle Bug cuddled up close and purring.

Oliver vieing with my laptop for space on my lap... he usually wins.

Coffee outside in the morning when it's not too hot or too cold out.

Really soft fuzzy blankets against naked skin.

The way everything feels in Autumn and Spring.

The way the sun feels when it crisp cold out.

Soup. All kinds.

Being cuddled up close with someone intimate after resolving a particularly difficult issue.

The smell of morning.

The smell of cut grass.

The smell of rain when it just starts.

The smell of snow.

The smell and feeling in the air right before a huge lightening and thunder storm.

Apple cider and pumpkins in late Autumn.

The way a cats fur smells in the sun.

Winter.

Snow.

The relief I sometimes get after a good cry.

Being appreciated.


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