I've been thinking about what is the essence of D/s to me and the lifestyle I would seek.

Browse various D/s sites and the personal ads can be scary. Dommes advertising how sadistic they are, the pain and humiliation they want to inflict. Equally, the subs can be worse in describing how masochistic they are.

Those dommes and subs might well find a mutual play partner to satisfy those needs in occasional meets for play and to be honest, whilst I might find that fun to perhaps explore some explicit curiousity, it's not going to work for me in the long run.

For me D/s has to be a long term relationship, where the daily and mostly vanilla connection is more vital than any other aspect. Our lives are lived on a constantly moving spectrum. We have many needs to fulfill before satisfying the kink element. Even in a strong FLR relationship most of the time is spent in companionship, negotiating the ups and downs of daily life. When in the flights of fantasy it's too easy to forget that the person we want to do all these things with is another human being. The person I would want to be with is first and foremost a woman. A woman who I want to constantly woo. Going out together for dinner or the theatre, walking down the street or along the beach holding hands.

As and when she fancies to exercise her control over me is up to her needs and moods. Indeed, part of the attraction of that is that she can do so even when I'm not in the mood.

So back to the question of what is D/s in this scenario ?

To start with, one can say it is 100% playing with the mind. The mind is the playground of all D/s. There's the fluffy elements that create a sensuous and perfect landscape in the mind. And of course there's the edgier side that creates mind-fucks and mental crises.

Whilst I can say that I any aspect of a woman needing and wanting to explore through every corner of my mind, it is the darker side that really fascinates me. Here is where the sado-masochism of the relationship really can use the physical toys and techniques to really stretch the mental control.

To trust my partner completely to let them take me screaming to the abyss, to the point where I start to think that this time they will let me fall. The mental crisis she creates by pushing beyond established limits, knowing she could leave me mentally and physically broken. Then the overwhelming relief as she pulls me back, hugging and soothing. Waves of mutual love from the shared experience.

But does it really take extreme play to get such results ? Of course not. I have a friend who is appalled at the thought of causing pain with a whip or a crop. Yet she could easily fuck my mind with her need to control body and mind so that she controls them totally ( really wish she would, but I don't see it happening).

Whilst I have been told that I have the makings of a pain slut, I don't identify as a masochist. If I experiment alone I will stop when something is uncomfortable enough. Yet, if under the control of one I trust I feel the need to prove that trust by letting her take me to extremes in order to satisfy her needs and desires.

There's really only one conclusion - people are odd ;-)