Rewards and Punishment: (as always, this is solely my opinion, I respect others with differing views, and intelligent discourse on those views)

I understand that many Doms are looking for a sub that they can mold, shape and train into being someone that will fulfill their wants and needs. However it seems some Doms think that any sub should be able to be transformed into anything; and if the sub doesn't, then punishment (genuine punishment, not 'funishment') is the answer.

If a sub does something displeasing or wrong, that wasn't against an instruction, or might have been done without clear foresight (ie., a genuine mistake), I feel punishment shouldn't be necessary (for the sake of this entry, I'm excusing the group of subs who have a need to be genuinely punished when they make these type of mistakes).

Honest mistakes can be talked through, maybe a scolding if it's a DD/lg dynamic. But in my opinion, for a Dom to lose his cool over this and inflict genuine rage upon his sub is the fastest way to damage the trust in the relationship.

At the end of the day, there are really two major qualifying needs for D/s dynamic, a need for control (Dom), and a need to serve (sub). So some subs will still serve in a dynamic that they do not find fulfilling on other levels, solely because that need to serve is so strong. Unfortunately some Doms might find themselves repeatedly, genuinely punishing their sub for mistakes based on the other layers of their dynamic.

This is not a good situation for someone who wants to make their Dom happy. They should be happy to serve, feel fulfilled. If they're serving out of fear, afraid to make any decision because of potential backlash, I feel there is a fundamental issue that needs to be addressed - namely "is this really the right sub for you?"

Someone I know made a great point on this - the finished work of art you want to create is going to dictate what you start with. You're not going to take buckets of paint and make a statue, no matter how hard you try. You're not going to take monochrome clay and be able to paint a gorgeous sunset. You're not going to take marble and mold it by hand with water and gentle pressure.

Again, there is the argument of the S&M side of things, but I don't categorize that as genuine punishment. That's usually done out of a need to inflict pain/receive pain.

So how do you start? Decide what you want, find someone that is either has the interests to be what you want, or is very close and willing to learn - with the understanding that if you find yourself having to dole out punishments often, maybe the better course of action would be to release the sub, and find a better-suited one to start with.

If I don't understand what they need, or worse, if they don't understand why they need something, it's going to be tough to guide them to a mutually happy and fulfilling relationship. Likewise, if a Dom doesn't have a clear understanding of his needs, and the why behind them, it's going to be frustrating trying to find a sub that satisfies him.

Once the needs/whys are understood, and the sub either aligns well or is interested in trying to align, communication and reward are the operation of the day. My sub knows my needs (both in general and what I might need at that moment, or what my routines are so she can find ways to make it smoother for me), and she knows any rules and limitations I have in mind.

After that, if she makes a mistake in judgement, we sit down and talk about it, or if she's "my little girl", a gentle scolding might be in order. (Doms make mistakes too, we're not beyond reproach, but that's for a different post).

When she does something good, or what she's been asked to do, I'll show my appreciation for it, sometimes it might just be a few sincere words. If she does so continually and consistently, I firmly believe in more tangible rewards.

I like my subs to have a rewards list, it might be trinkets that have personal meaning to them, or maybe luxuries that they normally wouldn't dare by for themselves, or a special scene to play that they love.

This way my sub can clearly see that I truly appreciate and value their role in my life, and how well they're fulfilling it. This helps build trust and positively motivates that desire to continually be a good girl for me.

I'm sure I could preach on this more, but I think this post clearly expresses my thoughts on it. In short, a proper starting point, good communication, and positive reinforcement is my personal approach.

So I've met some great people from here so far. I've had some great conversations with people, and a few have asked me why I'm not some jerk who thinks that the lifestyle can only mean X, Y, or Z (paraphrasing, obviously).

Well, the short answer is that before I ever got into a D/s relationship, I talked and hung out with a lot of folks that were. And knowing nothing at that time, I was certainly in no position to do much but ask questions, and quickly saw the different views from all these people.

For me, it all comes down to a persons needs and understanding those needs. Then finding someone who can fulfill those needs, and have theirs fulfilled in return.

Really it's not much different than any dating/relationship process... just an extra level of compatibility that needs to be met.

I've had some ask me what I've read and experienced that's helped me figure out myself, so here are a few good articles written by others. I won't say I view everything the same way, but most of these articles are enlightening (or I felt they were).

For me,my view is that there is a general care and respect that Doms should have for their subs, after all, they are giving control of their lives up, that's a big deal, and it's something that needs to be cherished and protected - even if the sub is someone who craves/needs to be humiliated in the bedroom, even that can be done in a way to meet their needs without rejecting them as a human being or devaluing their servitude.

http://www.mastertaino.com/styled-3/styled-23/styled-28/index.html

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/castlerealm/about_submission.html

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/castlerealm/dominant_attitude.html

http://www.triskelionsociety.org/main/index./articles/itemlist/category/41-domination

That's it for me for today. Thank you to all who have taken the time to speak with me, and being open to discuss differing views in an adult, polite way.

Still technically the first day I've gone through with setting up an account here. There were a handful of women that I thought would be interesting to talk to, so setup and sent them all a short message.

One of the things I know I need to get done is a proper profile pic of some kind. The complication is my professional/public life does need some small measure of discretion. While I feel a face picture is invaluable, I can't put it up. Sunday I have a few friends stopping by, so I might ask them to take a decent picture of me, and just blur out the face. The face blurring sort of makes taking my own picture pointless, as the distance would be arms length. 

If anyone who wants to strike up a conversation with me is concerned of doing so without a face picture, please let me know. I'll be happy to provide them via email.

Still astounded by the qualifications that women feel they have to post, and some of their journal-posted experiences of first contacts. A professional sub's profile had a humorous, if at times caustic, journal post about her definition of commonly used terms here. The fact that events took place often enough for her to compose such a post is depressing and only reinforces my dislike for arrogant, shallow men who use the guise of Dominant to behave like jackasses.

 Editing this post now, trying to get a feel for the conversion of text to it's HTML format. It did double+ returns where I only intended a single carriage return. We'll see what it does with it this time.