please understand for those who may read to not judge...this is a bit of rambling to help me ground myself.

This is my first journal entry. I am using this as a coping mechanism while my Domme I think is dealing with the loss of her Granny who was as she describes as both her Mom and Grandmother. I had met my Domme online in late July. I am brand new to BDSM and have done alot of soul searching. Though it is very difficult to tangibly know who my Domme is in real life (due to her vanilla life) the consistency was there, and though we tussled on 2 occasions (my disobedience on one and validly defining our D/s relationship on the other) she was fair consistent and a wise Domme. Since early August she has been with her Granny in Midwest. We had talked often and were very, very close to meeting in person and her accepting me into her service. A contract had been defined, limits set, roles defined and she had invested in me as her servant and slave to be part time, but none the less committed. I miss her...i really miss her. I'm sad in that I miss the conversation with her and looking up to her...what I see in her is a very dignified lifestyle Domme who was willing to take a new inexperienced submissive and invest in him. We both have very very complicated vanilla lives, but were both willing to make it work. Other than fearing I've been played I understand her withdrawal. What must it be like to loose the very most important person in your life who raised you while you still have to pull it together to run your own business while you are self employed. It has to be awful...absolutely, gut wretchingly awful. I wish I could hug her or tell her that I am so sorry. I wish that I could do something for her. We have never met in person and as she had defined things we cannot step to the next level of D/s until I am collared by her.

She was willing to show vulnerability as a human and Domme just to express her passion as a Domme for everything to be just right. Though I'm sure frustrated at me for a few things she paid me the highest compliment which I will treasure no matter if she copes on her own, "I like you slave terry, this is why I want you to enjoy the most you can with me in the lifestyle, you have been good and straight headed, I want the best for you.". It is too easy to be clingy as a sub on the verge of passing thru the collaring ritual when something like this happens. The only thing I know to do is that which I was told to do every day when we first met, say hi in the morning and evening, and give her my schedule everyday. I will do this the best I can mistress and to stay strong and not burden you with missing you as your slave. All I can hope is that somehow my consistency in doing this daily to you until my heart just can't do it anymore will give you the only gift I can give of faithfulness... I feel lonely and in no mans land, caught in no mans land of commitment to a domme I haven't been able to meet yet. I trust her, though there is much by sight would urge caution. I believe her because her consistency has been there acting as a domme the way she believes and as she has taught me.

Again it must absolutely awful gut wretching heartache to loose the one and only parental figure you ever had.