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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Female Slave, 42,  Sac/Elk Grove , California
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Hiskajirah - slave

Hiskajirah - photo 1
Hiskajirah - photo 6

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smilezz markibus surfdog Musicmystery RavenofPK
Thadius Kirata Totalmaster4you Maahsatti eponavet
littleonyx Dinnardin fairerthanshe Aswad cheriZ
Jaguarous SexyDom2LuvU charlotteS Tressy63 riccd
divi mrbiggun LrdThantos jessicaTS

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 Female Slave

 Sac/Elk Grove  


 5' 3"






Actively Seeking:

Friends Only

 Lives For:

 Volunteerism (Expert)

 Dancing (Expert)

 Begging (Expert)

 Body Worship (Expert)

 Collars (Expert)

 Alternative Medicine




 Gorean Lifestyle (Expert)




 Hair Pulling

 Massage (Giving) (Expert)


 Historical Shows

 Horror Movies


 True Crime

 Web Surfing



 Body Art






 Blogging (Expert)




 1950s Household (Expert)

 Alternative Music




 Rock Music

 Seventies Music






 Eye Contact Restrictions

 Public Play

 Puzzle Games

 TV News





 Online Auctions

 Conservative Politics

 Intellectual Discourse

 Liberal Politics

 Libertarian Politics


 Political Activism

 Country Music

 Eighties Music


 Pop Music




 Speech Restrictions


 Whips (Beginner)

 Online Chatrooms

 Lifestyle BDSM

 EMO Music

 Hip Hop Music

ka'jirah{C-EKV} slave-wife Property of Clamperius

His Wish Is My Command... His Command Is What I Wish For.

He is Master, and I am Slave.
He is owner, and I am owned.
He commands, and I obey.
He is to be pleased, and I am to please.
Why is this?
Because he is Master, and I am Slave. ~Explorers of Gor by John Norman


However weak our hearts may be, we are not that weak we cannot stand the pain, and, however strong we may be, we are not so strong that pain can't touch us!


Get down to it, most of Biblical Law is about being human...

... and so are the Gorean lifestyles. ~al-Aswad.


Yes I am aware my ID contains an h at the end. The proper spelling of Gorean slave is kajira.

I visit CM for enlightening conversation as well as to mingle among online acquaintances I've been around for years. I aspire to the Gorean elements and philosophy.

I'm not here for a relationship other than possible friendship or "friendlies". I sometimes like to chit chat and mingle with those of similar or like mind.

I wear a steel collar around my neck and am tat branded with the Japanese Dorei symbols which translate to "slave girl" Woman under Master's hand.

I'm extremely diverse. While I've used this ID for a few years now, I'm previously known as simpli caliente (cali), dark eyes dancing, an American wench, aiyllah, and ella. These ID's go back to 1997.


I'm also an ECV LSD Chapter 3 Widder


I'm an advocate and spokesperson for chronic pain patients with debilitating and incurable illnesses all over the world. I'm a part time co host for a popular talk radio show on the Body, Mind and Spirit Network at BTR. I work as a Group Leader/moderator for a support forum which I founded over 10 years ago.  Member of the American Pain Foundation and the National Patient Advocate Foundation, CA State Ambassador for a  well known "Pain Foundation", Website admin, writer, blogger, pages founder, ...
Pain policy advocacy leader in California ... I am your voice in the senate, Cali Med Board, certain task forces etc. I am on a Task Force that I cannot reveal at this time but.   if you live with chronic pain and require certain medications you will wish you had me as your advocate and spokesperson. I have permission to speak up and speak out on these issues.. Voices Carry.. 
A slave? Absolutely! A slave to public policy... no! I serve you! 
I'm extremely passionate and compassionate in all that I do and in all that I am.   "Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own-
You may both be wrong" ~Dandemis 
Find a Place Inside Your Heart Where There Is Joy and The Joy Will Burn Out the Pain. ~Joseph Campbell.    ~Always be as well as you can be, ~tVa

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Journal Entries:
2/22/2014 1:17:12 AM

If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.



 (I have become a voice for pain policy in California and I am so proud to be apart of it. I want so bad to tell more.. but... )

5/3/2013 3:27:03 PM

I have not been here in quite some time. I've made a single post in probably over a year.

My Master had a quadruple bypass 4 months ago and my time was consumed caring for him a midst my own disabilities. But I succeeded and he is well. No pneumonia or secondary illnesses. I spent the entire 8 days at the hospital with him. The first 3 is the van in the freezing cold. It was December 21st that he had his surgery. I didn't care.


A double rainbow appeared over Sacramento as he was being wheeled into surgery. A sign... if one is spiritual that all would be okay. And it was. I would have died without him, truly. 


The rest of my time was taken working for a popular pain foundation that specializes in Neuropathy conditions and promotes awareness, education, public speaking while also assisting those who cannot afford medications etc.


In addition I have website for the neuro auto immune disorder CRPS/RSD, a popular blog of similar name and a support group of the same name.


And yes my Master allows me to have these. He is proud of my accomplishments. I will be attending a medical conference in San Francisco on May 10th and am very much looking forward to it. My Master will be driving me since well I'm not able to. 


Other than that... I need a part of my liver cut away, a freak thing really, not a single doc I've been to has heard of such a thing...    


Well wishes all


7/29/2012 7:45:05 AM

It's been a really long time since I've been here. My time has been filled serving in a universal capacity unrelated to anything here or similar.

 He blessed me with his permission fully And I couldn't be more happier!

He's proud of me and for my efforts also and that makes me even happier. :)

11/5/2011 5:07:25 AM

A new page on FaceBook dedicated to you! Your voice! And we want to hear it. Speak up and Speak out! Together voices carry..

Participate in current topics or start your own.

We hope to see you there!

10/25/2011 7:41:02 AM

Lots of Halloween Goodies



3/20/2011 3:36:12 AM

It's the first day of spring time! It's terribly windy here in Northern California. No little chirps outside the window yet. Beautiful purple flowers are blooming out front.


Looking foward to it warming up. My ideal weather this summer would be the 80's without humidity. That would do my body good.


Happy Sunday everyone!



3/14/2011 8:37:04 PM

A slave's dream store

10/28/2010 8:56:08 AM

A New Simpli Splendiferous Adult Services Adversaria

8/22/2010 12:03:17 PM
Was given permission to cut my hair. Took 10+ inches off the front. Have bangs now. The back is nearly to my butt and the sides are still long.

8/18/2010 5:22:41 AM
Gotta love HOT August Nights

8/5/2010 8:40:34 AM
Privileged once again to be the guest speaker on the Living with RSD radio show tomorrow morning discussing/teaching Mirror Therapy and desensitization. My 2nd time on the air as a guest, the last time as co host. The targeted audience is for those with disabilities, in chronic pain or who've lost the use of their limbs or ROM

The show is a live 1 hour segment that can be downloaded after the show airs or listened to via the stations website once archived.

For further info, contact me.

7/28/2010 7:11:15 PM
It's been awhile since I've participated in any thread topics in the GP forum. I've never frequented any other threads, but sometimes read the scroll by's and catch a glimpse of something seemingly interesting and will hurry to catch the link and click to take a peek at more. Gotta catch it quick though or off it goes. ~laughs.

That's all though generally, just peek not reply.

I do enjoy enlightening conversation and subtle debate. Discussion without the heat.

Oh wait.. heat can be a good thing, too. ~grins

7/28/2010 5:50:30 PM

Brand new- Adult resources. Lots more to come.

7/13/2010 2:12:30 AM

It's Salaciously mmMmm Good!

6/18/2010 1:02:43 AM

Been on CM for a couple of years now and never looked into the Bulk Mail...

Am kinda excited now...


6/18/2010 12:42:15 AM
There's nothing like an edible bouquet of chocolate covered green apples, chocolate covered strawberries, white chocolate covered strawberries chocolate covered bananas, shaped flowers of pineapple and more in a beautiful vase...

Deliciously Yummy

And a card that said " Just because "


6/13/2010 9:56:52 AM
It's really not nice and quite unbecoming to out a man publicly and maliciously in the written form because a slut gets her panties in a bunch.

It doesn't make a wrong a right, it doesn't make hurt disappear or justify any actions.

It doesn't show him as the bad man, it shows you as spiteful and bitter...

Bitter isn't good for you!

And you call yourself a slave?

5/5/2010 2:15:48 AM
Keep getting asked who I am in the photo..

Am the one with the longest hair and braids.. lol

3/24/2010 8:04:43 PM
Still one part pain and one part pleasure.

2/20/2010 9:31:41 PM
Rest in peace and tranquility Chardonnay aka Char.. once upon a time auctioneer in yahoo's slave auction (mystery madam)

When many relationships are built only online, crossing paths in chats, forums, etc, and one day some one you considered friend doesn't log on, we often think.. they actually have something to do offline... that's all.

That's not always all. It might mean so much more than that..

Gone but never forgotten.

Luv ya Char


1/5/2010 1:02:57 AM
I can hear you guys watching me...

12/20/2009 4:58:31 AM
Christmas needs love....

12/12/2009 10:19:55 PM
Live, love, laugh, cry...

and then laugh some more..

12/2/2009 6:57:58 PM

Your slaves will love these for xmas.
Take a peek, you might too.

Happy Holiday's!


12/2/2009 6:45:41 PM

It's salaciously mmMmm good!

10/30/2009 9:04:26 PM
Edited profile to age up. Am a year older now. Was gifted daughter's return home from the Army and a baby kitten for my bday.

7/27/2009 10:42:44 PM
Both pics were taken the same evening 4 nights ago.. the second has just been added to CM. It may take time for approval.

Am not CM oriented in this aspect, so am not sure if both will remain on profile or if one will be removed for the other.


7/26/2009 1:04:16 AM
A new photo was updated last evening it will appear when CM approves it. 2 new ones are on the side bar at

7/18/2009 4:25:26 PM
A grad day pic is located at:

(Probably not what any would expect at this time but am the only one wearing a collar and bells)

7/17/2009 6:05:30 PM
Graduated today (July 17th). To be recognized as she was by her instructors made her feel so good even though she never expected it to the extent it was offered and received.

7/9/2009 7:55:02 PM
Graduation is postponed 1 week. Tomorrow is still her last day.

6/27/2009 9:31:12 PM
Having been controlled by meds for many years... and coming off them, she is changing... she is uncertain of the changes, she feels different... having had a suppressed sexual appetite for nearly 9 years, serving as a duty, um..  it's coming back hard and strong. New emotions, having been diagnosed as having a hyper-sexual disorder (hahaha) um.. (shushes a lil)

It might be now. lol

God, this is amazing in so many ways..

Next move... begging the doc to sever the nerves in her body... entirely. Not block them. Have done that 13 times  now.

Just have to work on the new her.. 
And continue to be all she can be... despite hardship itself.


6/27/2009 1:35:29 PM
It feels so good to be bad and so bad to be good.


6/24/2009 9:38:24 AM
Yes some regret is setting in, but if she regrets her actions, she might regret herself and is working away from that. When she said previously that "she was right minus the bad words", she was implying the past and comments made and a darned if she does and darned if she doesn't thing.

She only has reasons for what she did, no excuses.

And to the man who's post was immediately prior to hers...

He had nothing to do with it. Am very sorry, Master.


6/23/2009 9:12:37 PM
She made a post tonight to the GP forum that she is sad about. However, she chose to do so and accepts the consequences of her actions. She was right in what she said minus the bad words. She does not regret doing so regardess the outcome.


6/21/2009 6:23:36 PM
Dancing is truly the best medicine ever...

There is freedom in dance and...


6/13/2009 3:55:28 PM
"When you come to the edge of all that you know.. jump in head first and bounce back up and leave all those behind that can't bounce with you because they're too slow or just don't give a shit so why should you.". (or I)

(okay, saying shit was naughty, but.. um)

Yes this one has over many years worried about what other people thought, always polite to others, respectful, nature really, but now?

Why? Sometimes you have to let go of what others think and move on and this one is doing well to remember it.


6/11/2009 6:42:56 PM
She has been attending a Functional Restoration program and has 3.5 weeks to go. Seriously one of the hardest things she has ever done.

4/28/2009 12:41:47 AM
Just because she's a slave doesn't mean her emotions aren't affected by others, including free persons.

She finds it quite sad that some are so chest thumping to the extent of putting others down so rudely that they don't take a moment to realize... one day they might be in the same position and get the same back.

It shows weakness not strength

"Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from you own... You may both be wrong" ~Dandemis

4/26/2009 2:42:09 AM
Two days ago, she was hired for a very important position as a Group Leader for an RSD/CRPS Support Group.. Hard work has paid off. She was chosen above a dr. and professor of medicinal and organic chemistry. She couldn't be more honored. It is at a much larger main site with several categories dealing with everything from chronic pain, cancer, infectious diseases, mental health, incurable illnesses, mens health, womens health, seniors, broken bones, Osteo etc and 100's of sub categories. Unlike many other groups it is spam free and keeps on topic in each thread. While she has dedicated the last 8 years advocating for this Cause, nearly endless days and nights of research, studying, learning, understanding, she can now pass on all the knowledge she has taken in to help others who suffer and struggle to survive this painful and debiliting disease.  She also promotes other major organizations dealing with the same issues and has done so for the past 5 years. This will not cease. The goal is to one day have this illness known as a house hold name as is Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Parkinsons, Cancers, Bipolar, ADD and more.

This ones first day of work was quite heavy and she got through it well.

"Pain is universal, but so is hope"

4/21/2009 7:10:29 PM

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Ghandi

4/6/2009 2:32:39 AM
The pic on her profile is brand new (or will be once approved by CM)- taken April 5th, 2009. There 4 more on her blog @ dated right hand side

3/31/2009 1:30:58 AM

"Waste no tears over the griefs of yesterday" ~Euripides

3/24/2009 12:26:15 AM
It's been a thoughtful last few days. She has been told to not stop writing about herself. She's been told that her courage to do so helps others do so. She's been told she's still an asset even online. She's been told she cannot please everyone, even though she always wants to.

She's been told to be herself in all ways.

She is still hesitant, but a command is a command.

She will once again try and try not to let negative feelings from others divert her.

And hope for the best.

3/19/2009 12:07:26 AM
For the time being and until she's told otherwise, she is returning to the use of third person speech. It is not to keep her in the mindset of being property, this she is and knows without any doubts.

It's beyond that.

Please bear with her.

Thank you.

3/18/2009 1:39:31 PM
So I've made some mistakes here on Collarme, specifically in the Gorean Philos Forum. A couple of people are not pleased that I've been so open about personal things such as pain. I've taken the their reasons into consideration. They've been discussed with my Master. I will be working better to not disclose these things unless absolutely relevant to a topic of discussion. I've never derailed a thread with any of these personal things, but the fact of the matter is, some don't like it. It has also come to my attention that others do prefer to know the real me and not just the image or character another might create in their minds regarding a person.

In any event, I'll keep fairly or fully shushed.

While it is most important to please only my Master and he is not displeased with what I've written or told (yes he reads the same forum and sometimes with me) it is important to me that all are pleased with my actions.

I do care.

I don't want to be seen as a whiner, pity seeker or anything else some might assume I'm doing. On the contrary it's quite opposite. It's determination, survival and the will and want to continue serving and viewed in the eyes of the Free as pleasing.

It takes heart and passion.

I'll do better to keep things between myself and those that are on a need to know basis.

But I cannot stop being me because someone doesn't prefer me anymore.

My Master said so.

To any I've offended, please forgive me.

Wishing everyone peace and harmony.

3/2/2009 10:31:12 AM
A snippet of Erotica

2/17/2009 5:05:40 PM

I've deleted my most recent entries regarding pain & surgeries.
Deferring to the hurtful words of- kazzaslave/MontrealPhoenix--

I just prefer to keep it real.

My blog posts are real!

1/24/2009 8:35:27 AM
I have pretty much ventured away from CM forums back to where I belong most. I am still online in CM often. Just not participating anywhere. From time to time at most.

I'm happier where I've gone.

To keep up with me you can visit my blog at:

Lots of kink links there, too.

Well wishes

12/27/2008 6:03:07 AM
If you're into HOT stuff, I've got some HOT links for you.

12/26/2008 8:28:47 PM
Christmas was truly amazing. Unbelievable in so many ways.

I hope each of you experienced the same.

12/18/2008 5:41:38 PM
Our daughter is home from the Army!

What a surprise it was for me to be awoken to her arrival.

And that of her boyfriend, also Army.

I'm so excited!

The family told me she wasn't coming afterall, but she did!


We have all our children home for xmas. It's also our first Christmas in our new home. ~smiles

12/17/2008 1:21:58 PM
It makes me sad when people are out to get other people.

Why not just leave it alone and move on. Needing drama in ones life is not healthy, it's also not decent to go after others, isn't it a waste of energy?

I guess not

12/4/2008 3:21:53 PM
Me and p are doing okay again. I am being reserved as trust needs to be re established.

The fall out really had nothing to do with me, I was just stuck in the middle of hurt on all sides I suppose.

I like to make mends in all things. Even if it's not my doing. Life really is too short.

Atleast mine is.

12/3/2008 4:10:40 AM
sheesh, I'm just too soft. Actually, I'm just not heartless. I'm a bit more understanding and compassionate than the average person. I look to all sides of everything. I like to remain as neutral as I can. From time to time, few and far between, I stand up for something I believe to be right as assume all risks and I accept my consequences. I can't apologize for everything because if I did I would be taking back my own beliefs, my own words.

I might be a slave, but I'm not a follower. I don't need to be included in any cliques, I strive to be liked by others, I do get saddened to disappoint those I respect and those that hold me to a certain standard. It's tough to deal with. I've tasted salt in my tears more times than I can count.

But the reasons why is because I care and sometimes I care just a little too much.

11/30/2008 10:17:03 PM
RE: The week in review

I need to say something here since my name has been mentioned in a blogspot blog.

I never worked with M R to hurt phoenix. The truth of the matter is that I don't talk to him enough to know his business. She knows this. While I felt used to find out information on him, I just didn't know any. What I did know whether it be truth, half truths or lies, I would not go around saying. Those men and women in my circle know this of me. I am loyal. The day we were leaving to go out of town Friday the 21st of November, phoenx extended her interest in wanting to be considered as a future slave of my Master (Clamperius/EKV). My Master having known of her, knowing that we communicated in email nearly daily, knowing that we invited both her and M R here for xmas was thinking on it since I brought it up to him at the casino resort. We arrived home Tuesday night, the 25th.

When I returned things were already on the rough and so I did not mention our discussion with her. Instead I was watching her actions. And within days those actions showed through. I would never ever put my Master's home at risk for this type of behavior and public outting.

Yes I felt sad for her and the supposed end to the current relationship she was in that week, or that ended that week. I tried to fix every sad piece of it, going to my Master to see if they could come here, etc etc.

The day of possibility hasn't even come and gone yet, her arrival wasn't until the 26th of next month, who knows it could have still happened, until M R's name ended up on every blog and thread around. What man would put up with that? Not mine and not him. I think that's where it really ended between them.
The contacts, the domineering ultimatums, the lack of patience.

I don't know

All I know is that I gave her the benefit of the doubt and in the early beginning of her arrival in the forum I tried to teach her Gor.

I met M R during fathers day of this year. He met with my Master, children, cousins and myself. It was a good meet. But just a meet and greet.

It was from there with an email he received from phoenix while he was here that started them talking.

I was never more than a 3rd wheel of sorts. Ever.

But if a female could out one man after feeling hurt, they would certainly have it in them to do again.

For my own Master's home sake, I wouldn't risk that.

Me being close and friendly with another doesn't mean anything more or less than that.


11/29/2008 5:59:19 AM

Laying in the dark charging my thingamajiggy and reflecting.

11/27/2008 10:51:52 AM
                everyone :-)

11/26/2008 12:28:39 PM

Contemplating some eggnog and brandy.

Gonna go ask if I can have some.

11/26/2008 2:02:47 AM
We had an awsome time away!

11/21/2008 3:50:41 AM

Getting out of town for a couple of days. Yay! Leaving this afternoon to go to Jackson Casino and getting a room for a couple of nights.

Time away with the Master. Yippee!

11/20/2008 12:02:27 PM
Ive been so ill lately. I go to pain mangement on Monday to find out when my next surgery will be.

Still been spending more time with family and away from the computer. It's good for all  of us. Our daughter is coming home from the Army next month for a 2 week leave. We're all looking forward to seeing her.

Next week will be the first holiday in our new home, then xmas and new years.

Need to try to keep my energy up, which isn't much just to get through them all.

Tomorrow is my Master's last day of work. He got his layoff papers last month. He's been with the company 13 years. It's not just him, it's all of them. 1000's. Anyone who couldn't relocate back east. He's got a few job leads, keeping fingers crossed in good luck for a specific one.

11/13/2008 6:10:54 AM

Atleast I know now the headache wasn't from drinking.

Ouch anyway

11/13/2008 4:42:06 AM

I didn't take any of my meds today so that I could drink. Had a few shots of brandy, no rocks.

I feel a headache coming on and I'm not sure if it's a morphine withdrawl already or the booze.

Oh well..

10/4/2008 11:16:33 PM

"Don't let 'em make you cuz they'll break you, don't let 'em love you cuz they'll hate you even more"  ~P.M.D

10/3/2008 5:32:15 PM
Living on the edge...

9/27/2008 5:20:33 PM
I've been so busy catching up with my online projects, yet I keep finding myself bouncing back into the Gorean Philos forum. I'm not just double browsing, I'm quad hopping between research, updates and email.

This is a good thing, though.

9/25/2008 6:35:55 PM
It's been a productive last couple of days. I have participated in the GP Forum instead of just having read the threads. I am often silent for long periods of time and then post a little and then become silent again. I tend to not jump into every thread that there is. If I have nothing to contribute I won't post just to see myself talking. I just like to have something of some kind of worth to discuss or casually and respectfully debate. I love enlightening conversation. I am passionate about who I am as a slave and while everything I read is a learning experience from others, I am quite set in my ways and remain firm in my beliefs. The thread containing the scenario of religion made me bite my tongue. I love to discuss religion too, but I kept out of it.

I updated one of my websites just a bit ago and 2 more major organizations requested to be linked. I am very proud of that site. It was alot of hard work and almost endless researching, reading, getting permissions to use content. I do not violate copyright laws. I request permission from owners for use and always credit source. When others request my work to use, I expect the same. It works out great for all of us. I've been plagarized before and ironically it was a gorean essay I wrote a few years back. I'm very tired and heading for a crash. My morphine is kicking in and I hope to sleep soon. My pain levels have been high and when this happens I have to have diversions to survive.  I think I've gotten through the worse of this flare...

Now I just need for my body to get rested up for the next waves of fire..

9/22/2008 12:22:44 PM
A little burst of energy is all I need to flatter myself.


9/22/2008 2:19:47 AM

Sometimes I just really drive myself so intensely wild!

...... am such a slut!

* La pagar kajira

9/21/2008 1:50:07 PM
If I wasn't such a dedicated individual and employee, I would have never gone to work on 1.26.01.

I regret doing so...
... the choices we make follow us all through our lives.

9/21/2008 4:17:56 AM
I wanna call my Master Clamper but am sure he's still sleepin' after the Saturday night Doin's.

He should be home around noon-time today. I was sleeping and missed his call last night. He'll probably come home without a voice again, they really give the pukes a bad time initiating in.

Hey, ya gotta be tough if you want in that bad. Many U.S presidents, governors and more have been or are members. Calfornia's current governor (ya'll know his name) got a moonlight in though. ~smirks

9/18/2008 2:59:57 PM
My Master is going out of town tomorrow morning and will return Sunday afternoon. He's going to the watering hole, uh Clampin'.

He's an ECV Chapter 3 Clamper. E Clampus Vitus. The brothers will eat and drink until they fall down drunk. No widders (woman) allowed ever. Once a year there is a widders ball, though. Have yet to go. His work always interferes, but one day he'll take his widder-wench to one. ~smiles

I always miss him so much.

What to do, what to do, what to do while he's away... hm

Am a good girl...

    ... mostly.

9/16/2008 4:06:53 PM

I woke my Master up this morning the way men like to be woken up. ~grins

He was quite pleased and it pleased me that he was.

I'm still very good at some things, most of the time. ~laughs

9/15/2008 3:34:25 AM
When you feel like giving up...

remember why you held on in the first place.

9/15/2008 1:29:54 AM
Had a tough last couple of days, no complaints though, slept off the pain and woke feeling a little better.

The man is taking me either tomorrow or after my doc appointment Tuesday to pick up some things for our daughter and send them to her in the Army. I'm saddened that I won't be able to make her boot graduation but am happy that she was the first in her platoon of 60 to qualify for her M16. She's on a modified training since damaging her hip in a team training excersise, but the girl is strong and requested to be out of medical hold and as active as she can to graduate. She's on pain killers but is doing great.

We're so proud of her and for volunteering to enlist knowing there's wars going on.


9/6/2008 3:40:12 AM
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." ~ MLKJ

9/5/2008 6:00:55 AM
Each new day is a challenge and I'm challenging it back head-on. (When I'm awake, that is)

Continuing to use my mind to it's full ability to pose thought provoking questions, scenarios and possibilites, and even if they disturb some...

I did my the end.


9/3/2008 11:06:53 PM
As we approach 911, my heart goes out to all who were there, died there and to the families and friends of those lost and effected by this terrible day.


9/2/2008 3:03:29 PM
Two roads diverged in a wood and I...

  ...took the one less traveled by. ~RF

9/2/2008 3:01:00 PM
It just keeps getting better and better...

9/2/2008 7:08:19 AM

Some in the world hate for little reasons...

...And I can still forgive for the bigger ones.

8/28/2008 7:45:24 AM
The holidays are 4 months away- I have lots of goodies at:

                   Please Enjoy!

8/28/2008 5:51:20 AM

Woke up really early this morning, having coffee now, playing one of my games, and charging my ass. A good full charge takes up to 12 hours. ~scrunches my nose

What a way to start the day!

Atleast this way, I get a "charge" out of life.


8/26/2008 5:47:44 PM
I cannot be swayed away from those I've grown close to. Trust takes time, believing in another takes time, honesty is revealing the truth inside us, all around us. 

There is a loyalty and devotion to each that no one can drive a wedge through.

And I'm strong enough to accept any consequences that might happen to come with it.

8/26/2008 10:00:08 AM
It's been an interesting past week of presumptions and assumptions. Respect had always been an automatic for me. I respect people from the beginning and from there it can only be lost. Many believe respect is earned. I'm different in this regard.

I have never in all my years offline and the 10 or so years off and online lost respect for someone.

But I think I finally have.

Does it matter? Probably not. Some could care less. Does it matter to me? Absolutely!


Because I happen to care too much.

8/23/2008 10:21:37 PM
A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectation.

8/23/2008 3:04:46 AM
"Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting."

8/17/2008 10:03:18 PM
The River was great!

Stayed about 2 hours. Daughter and grandson, son and his friend, Master and I went.

The water was cool, lots of boats out, making waves that just made the baby tickled with happiness and laughter.

We all had a good time. ~smiles

Our son begins 6th grade tomorrow.

Our daughter graduates from Army bootcamp on October 24th in S. Carolina. Then she's on to Georgia for AIT.

8/16/2008 10:49:06 AM
Going to the Sac river tomorrow with the Master and the family.

Can't wait to get out again...

sitting on the bank with my feet in the cool water, have the sun beaming down on my forehead, beads of sweat between my full breasts,

watch the splash of children playing around me...

knowing my Master will at some point sneak behind me and dunk me fully in the water..

Can't wait!

8/15/2008 4:54:51 AM
       the past

8/15/2008 3:23:22 AM
Returned 3 days ago from a little get-a-way. A celebration of 21 years of marriage. We stayed at a nice resort and casino. Feather Falls. We were there 3 days. On our way out, I won decent jackpot and gave it to my Master, so he could get something for his anniversary and then he gave the rest back to go toward household needs. We broke a bit above even and had a great time.

We spent all of Monday in our room.

Was a good opportunity to clear my mind too.

And let some peace come in.

8/4/2008 1:32:38 AM

~rubs my temples

7/31/2008 9:51:07 PM
My heart aches and my mind is confused. My body follows with aches and pains that will never go away.

I try to endure the agony, but fate keeps it too strong.

I love with all of me. My heart is big enough to hold more than one dear.

End of days is nearing and too close for comfort.

7/26/2008 4:22:35 PM
Today was my daughters going away to the Army luncheon, she leaves on the 6th, but will go to the hotel where they're all meeting on the 5th. I kept thinking the 8th. Silly me!

It was a nice lunch. We had it at the Cheese Cake Factory.

No cheese cake for me, still having problems holding food down. Almost brought one home for the family but at 50 dollars for a 10inch, um...

I'll make them one if they want. ~laughs

7/17/2008 9:27:07 PM

I am really really missing my son. 2 more days for his arrival home from boyscout camp and I sure could use a few of his hugs.

7/17/2008 6:43:40 PM
Have had a rough last few days ontop of the previous week from hell.

Trying little sips of water and diet 7up to try to rehydrate, haven't eaten since Monday and am not even going to try. The man is going to bring me home some Icee pops in the morning.

I'm not in the happiest of moods right now in regards to other things..

Life is life, never know what you're going to get from one day to the next...

7/15/2008 10:17:34 PM
There are infinite reveries and numberless extravagancies that pass through both [wise and foolish minds].

7/14/2008 7:00:12 PM

Well that was short lived and quite disappointing.

7/10/2008 4:41:12 PM

The pain at the injection sites has eased as I knew it would.

My pain is about a 2 today, except for at the top of the foot where the bones meet the tendens.

I was able to do my treadmill last night, tonight I'll try to increase the time by a minute.

I got a letter from the insurence company that does my authorizations, I was authorized for 3 and only had 1, but I woke up too late today to call my Pain Manager and ask about it.

Will try tomorrow.

7/9/2008 7:18:35 PM
I had my block yesterday morning. My pain is down to a 4, sometimes a 2, which is wonderful. I'm still having pain at the injection sites, I had 3 injections, but that pain should ease soon.

All is well enough.

7/6/2008 8:31:30 PM
I'm taking a break from CM and the forums for awhile. I'll be around enough to check Cmail and maybe make journal entries.

Tuesday after I'm released from the surgery center, I'll come home and sleep off the anesthesia as always then more than likely be online...  somewhere.

Those who need to reach me can do so through the back door.

Be good to one another and...

Always be as well as you can be.


7/5/2008 10:08:33 PM
The man may be taking us to the Lake tomorrow. Would really love to get out into the sunshine and feel the heat and the water cool my body. There was a fire at Folsom Lake this morning, but hopefully the smoke will be gone by morning.

The fires have hit Northern California and currently burning is Placerville County an approximate 35-45 minutes from here.

While it's not my choice entirely, I prefer not to serve or belong to anyone online again. I have said this before and found myself back in service here with my offline Master's permission, but I think it's time to just hold my head high, keep my eyes down and keep to myself.

7/4/2008 5:32:16 AM
I can't wait until Tuesday..
...then 3 days after he can get my freaky on.


7/3/2008 2:33:35 PM
"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins"

7/3/2008 1:14:27 PM

I slept for nearly 2 days, but woke today with a phone call from the Sac Surgery Center. I go in on Tuesday the 8th for a Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve Block. This should be the first of 3 more 1 week apart. Will find out when they release me that day. I should be home 4 hours after they wheel me into the OR.

I'm looking forward to my pain level dropping.

7/2/2008 5:02:32 AM

7/1/2008 8:23:37 PM
I was doing really good, I haven't cried in 2 weeks, but now the tears are going to stream down my cheeks all night.

It's one of those...

I can't control it things.

7/1/2008 4:57:53 PM
It was a good day for a few hours, now I'm on the decline again. I knew this would happen, even so how could I not be grateful for that bit of time?

I without a doubt am.

7/1/2008 2:16:56 PM

It's a pretty good day so far. Alot of stress has been lifted from my shoulders..

atleast for now.

Am a little hyper today, morphine isn't even slowing it down.

Not yet, anyhow.


6/30/2008 7:13:34 PM

Am not scared anymore..

... Think it's working out for the best in the long run.

It will though take 2 weeks to know for sure.

6/29/2008 5:26:46 PM
Scared shitless of tomorrow!

6/28/2008 8:22:06 PM
I would give almost anything to serve just 1 Gorean event. I served Master Raven the best I could when I met him offline recently. I want to serve other men the same way. Even domestically, food, drinks, etc. For Master Raven, he came at a time that I was in major pain and sick from it. I wish I had my pain blocks prior to him arriving. I would have done so much better, been so much more pleasing.

I want others to know that I do listen, I don't mouth off, I do carry myself pleasing with what I have left of myself. I wish more saw the slave in me. The natural one. Having never in my life been free, I couldn't be more than what I am.

I don't think I'm ever going to get that chance.

It's harder and harder to even get out of bed each day. Walking and standing is so bad.

I just never thought the nerve damage would spread so awfully fast.

This saddens me.

I really thought I had more time.

6/28/2008 8:01:54 PM

I slept until 7:30 p.m tonight. I was so tired. Went to bed early the night before too. Slept about 20 hours, maybe a little less. Not solid, I rolled over a few times in pain, but for the most part all was well enough. My morphine increase is helping, but on top of my other meds, I always feel so drained. As long as I can keep helping others, I've accomplished something.

6/27/2008 2:46:41 PM
Been building yet another website, which will include my pay to play in addition to 1 adult toy store and 1 lingerie store in which I've had previously for approximately 2 years and several different look photos of myself. I'll be forwarding the domain so that all is included in one site.

Until then you might like-

I'm independently contracting adult entertainment phone services under the same name.

6/25/2008 3:35:27 PM
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Confucius

6/25/2008 1:10:18 PM
I'm really not having a good day. My anxiety is high and I'm restless. I've called my lawyer to confirm WC court on the 30th. I've called Medtronic for reprogramming of my SCS as told to do my Pain Manager at my Pain Clinic.

My Morphine was increased yesterday from 30mgs a day to 45. 30mgs in the a.m. and 15mgs in the p.m. My other 5 meds remained the same.

They are trying to get authorizations for my next set of blocks. If they are done this month then I will drop off the increased 15mgs of Morphine a day at my next appointment.

Aside from this, I'm making arrangements to be in Georgia the first week in November and South? Carolina the next day. I'm not going to miss my daughters bootcamp graduation. I just hope I can tolerate the flight without complications.

6/23/2008 7:39:53 PM

I'll start taking calls Wednesday evening and more than likely have a stable schedule from 9pm to midnight. Although, it decides on the person on the other end.

Am very excited!

6/23/2008 12:31:18 AM

I'm now a phone slut for Nite Flirt ... and am in the process of working out the details. For now I'll be serving phone and chat, perhaps later I'll add the cam, but could you afford me then? ~grins

Never know when I'll be available. It might surprise you.

Serving is serving is service... ~winks

Your wish is my command, your command is what I wish for.

Unless you are Gorean free..

... It's Pay to Play

~~ SalaciousSurrender

6/22/2008 3:26:03 PM

It might be time to start counting down the days of abandonment and cease serving the one I'm bound to online.

For every season..  there is change. And with change there is growth even when one doesn't see it at first.

And sometimes, when it's over, it's over.

And it's okay, already been there, done that.

6/21/2008 11:19:44 PM
I had my cam on tonight for a little while and intended to turn it back on later in the evening, but it's harder on me than it was a couple of years back when I had it on frequently. For one I'm not use to it, another reason is I'm insecure regarding it and myself now and to be honest it just kind of scares me these days.

Maybe a little at a time.

6/21/2008 4:19:22 PM
Thank you to everyone who has sent me good lucks, best wishes and tons of prayers for my daughter.

I'm grateful for them.

6/20/2008 9:09:46 AM
My daughter leaves for bootcamp early next month. The Army will own her for 8 years. I thought it was 4 active and 4 reserve, but it's 6 active and 2 reserve. She's 19. I can only pray that the war is over by the time she finishes her training, but I worry.

I can say one thing with certainty though...

I couldn't be any more proud of her.

6/19/2008 5:43:54 PM
Okay, so on the brighter side...

... I'm a Tease.

It's all good,

6/19/2008 9:19:38 AM
To be perfectly honest my meet with Master Raven was distorted by my MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) secondary to pain. While I try to be up spirited, I'm lucky to have that 2 times a week at best. I'm not going to sugar coat the fact that I cry alot. Years ago, all through my young life and younger days, pre injury, no one would ever see me cry. Ever! In fact it started about 3 years ago. Now, it's all the time. I don't go out, I miss alot of parties and dinners, I just won't go. I'm not going to be among people and know that at any time I'll burst out in tears because I see that they are alive and living and I'm not. A pity party? Not hardly, just reality. I don't know how to control my emotions anymore. I don't know how to hold back hurt and fear. It just all pours out, when ever it's going to happen it happens. The grocery store, paying a bill, talking with my children, my husband...  there's no seeing it coming and there's no stopping it.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2004. Hahaha, I wish I was. Atleast I'd have the mania to look forward to. For a little while I did, that's where the mis diagnosis came in, a good day of pain = mania. All mania = is up.. way up!

There you have it, take it as you will...

I wanna be up...

6/17/2008 1:16:38 AM
I described many of the details of our meet in a Gorean Thread...

I think I'll leave the rest to wonder--
         Atleast for now.

6/15/2008 10:27:56 PM
I had the privilage of meeting Master Raven (RavenofPK) this weekend. He arrived Saturday morning June 14th and departed Sunday morning, Fathers Day! It was a wonderful meet! Truly.

More details coming soon!

I know you're "curious wonder" is getting the better of ya..

6/6/2008 11:34:52 AM
I haven't been here for awhile and I feel my purpose here is somewhat completed.

What others choose to do with it lies in their own hearts and minds.

I can't force compassion, but I can give it a nudge and hope others feel it enough to pass it along.

Tag you're it!

5/21/2008 6:50:55 PM
However weak our hearts may be, we are not that weak we cannot stand the pain, and, however strong we may be, we are not so strong that pain can't touch us!

5/20/2008 7:14:25 PM
How do you pass a test, when there's no way to pass it, how do you go on when you're lucky to have 2 full days awake a week, how do you cherish your family in the light, when you only live in the dark...  how...

5/12/2008 8:07:42 PM
Mother's Day was nice, but I slept most of it. My Master gave me a new Tmobile phone, one with several gadgets on it, internet accessible (that would be $20 a month extra) different from our tzones with also lets one access the internet, but this one is actual internet with internet explorer, win live and many others built in. My oldest daughter gave me a bath set of soaps, lotions, bubbles and more. Lavender. Our son gave me a bouquet of flowers (artificial) which will be a beautiful center piece for when we get our dining room set here. Our middle daughter called. I was happy. I'm so very loved by them all.

I'm going to miss our daughter Erykah when she leaves for bootcamp soon as she's joining the Army. But I'm also very proud of her.

There's no stabilization in my pain yet, I've been using my treadmill the best that I can in hopes that my legs will last longer. I can feel my mind deteriorating just as fast as my body.

I knew this day would come.

I'm still losing weight which to me is not a bad thing. It even makes me happy since I had gained so much taking Lyrica.

My Morphine will more than likely be increased at my next Pain Management appointment on the 27th.

The come down/detox off of Vicodin/Lortabs after 7 years has been rough, I hope the worse is almost over.

5/3/2008 12:29:10 PM
This morning my Master brought me home a treadmill, a bookshelf hutch with cabinets on top and a microwave (I don't really need a micro all that much, but the kids think they'll starve without one lol)

As soon as I get past this next week, I'm going to try and set a schedule for treadmill, just a couple of minutes a day. I'm scared to come off it in more pain, yet my Master and I know my legs need it.

Am back to elevating for now...

4/29/2008 7:37:56 AM
Finally moved into our new home. Well...almost finally. There is a large storage facility that needs clearing in the near future and brought here. From here we'll sort, donote and toss.

My days and nights haven't been well. Either can't sleep or sleep too much. At my Pain Management appointment yesterday, I was started on Morphine twice a day in place of my Lortabs. They are still working on authorizations for me to go back to the Surgery center for another series of Lumbar Symp Nerve Blocks. This time 4. 1 week apart.

I can't tell if the Morphine is working yet, it seems to up to a point, but just about 6:00 a.m this morning I was hurting so bad I wanted to cut again. (I told my doc I did it) Then I recalled it was at about 6:00 p.m last night that I first took it. Thank God I was able to take one as 12 hours had past.

I really want to feel well enough for even a little while to start unpacking.

We have an entire spare and unoccupied extra bedroom now and so I may move all the boxes in there and go from there. That way our home looks nice in the process.

I've lost a considerable amount of weight recently. Which either way I see it, it's a good thing.

New home phone will be on today and the modem/router will be delivered sometime today as well.

I'm having a hard time sitting up, laying down, standing, or walking. Just can't get comfortable.

I can literally feel my bones thinning and my muscles feeling as if they're tearing. My joints feel twisted and the swelling right through the atrophy is noticable.

but like Forrest Gumps Momma always said...

Life is like a box of chocolates... ya nevah know what'chur gonna get.

4/19/2008 8:26:43 PM
We got the keys to our new home the evening of the 15th and have been here since. We started painting the same night and stopped at about 2:00 a.m, made a fire in our new fireplace and fell asleep there, Master, slave and son.

Master went out of town Friday morning and will return late Sunday morning. He belongs to ECV and they get together a few times a year. A Mens brotherhood. No women allowed. Once a year there is a Widders Ball. That's what the women of the ECV men are called- widders. This came from the Gold Rush and mining days when the men were killed, the other men vowed to take care of the women and children left behind.

Anyway, when he returns will be emptying one storage and the shed in the backyard of the other house and then the following week he has 5 days off and we'll be renting a U-haul for another storage and the beds. We can get most everything else with our van since it converts to a utility van.

Am on the internet by wireless, no phone here yet. Found a spot in the home I could get online, it's in our sons bedroom close to the window. Didn't think to try sooner, it was our second daughter who found it last night as she visited with a friend who brought her own laptop. Finally decided to try late in the evening and yep it works.

I have kind of over done myself while being home alone. Put dishes up, pots and pans, set up the bathrooms with matching sets, have vacuumed several times because new puppy just has to find little bits of stuff to put on the carpet or jump on my feather pillows to the point the feathers come out.

I slept most of the day peacefully, am getting use to the alarm system, that beeps 1-8 times depending which area of the home has movement in it. Master tried to stop it by unplugging the main unit, but it went on battery backup and I um, plugged it back in when I stayed the night alone last night. Am getting use to it having spent time with it, but it drove him nuts the first night.

I'm using my ankle brace, which is helping a tiny bit, have knee burns from nearly crawling everywhere. Think I'll run the dish washer for the first time this evening as I've accumulated a few dishes now. They are all rinsed but in the sink.

We're home owners now!  ~smiles

4/14/2008 9:25:46 PM
Just got home from picking out paint color for new home and purchasing it and other items.

Should start moving into new home tomorrow.

My time online for the next few weeks may be sporadic at best. If I'm unable to make another journal entry before I leave.

Please be as well as you can be everyone!

Will be thinking of each of you.

4/13/2008 10:27:19 AM
Today is better than the last 3, though I slept half of the week away. We should be getting the keys to our new home tomorrow, but I have a feeling it will be Tuesday. Am not sure what day yet that we'll be offline yet during the move. I'll make a journal entry right before I go.

My new puppy is a handful, wowies. A 12 week old pup now that's like a 2 year old toddler, into everything, requiring lots of time and attention just like our 2 year old grandson, but he's learning very well at the same time. (They both are very brilliant, grins) Not to compare a child to an animal, but in a way it's similar.

Change of topic--
       I really love the word FUCK!!!

4/9/2008 4:29:46 AM
I was very happy to be allowed to start a thread on the Gorean Lifestyle forum in regards to Goreans with Disabilities. While it's not important to me how well this thread does, it is important to me that it now exists for whenever and whoever needs it. I'm thankful to the man who allowed me the go-ahead.

We are suppose to sign the last of the papers for our new home later today. It's 4:17a.m now and I just finished charging my internal battery to my SCS system.

We should have the keys to our new home by Friday if all goes well. Yay!

My new puppy my Master gifted me is doing well and learning well for an 11.5 week old pup. This is a good thing.

I'm trying to figure how I can help us move. I pack by having the bins brought to me (the large plastic storage bins as opposed to boxes) and then sit at the end of my bed and do the best I can. I won't be doing Masters 3 tier comp stand as those are his things and he will want to pack them his way. If we get the keys on friday, will purchase paint Saturday morning, prep it, and then paint on Sunday when the Master is off work for 3 days. (He works 4, 10's) then will shampoo the carpets late Sunday evening or Monday. Will have the phone transfered Monday as well, I believe. Start moving things over later Monday, more on Tuesday. We had to pay the full rent here and give our 30 day notice, so will essentially  have 2 home for a month.

My Master is an ECV Clamper and so will be out of town the 18th and the 18th, come home take a decent nap and back to moving the next 2 days. He has 5 days off the following week. We have to leave this home clean as well. Mow lawns etc. Wash a little walls, shampoo this carpet as well and that's about it to get it up to standards. Oh and buy new window blinds. That stinker of a Grandbaby couldn't help but play with them. laughs.

Am very happy to finally settle down in the last move we'll ever make.


4/7/2008 7:25:00 PM

I was so pleased that my Master and Mistress Maahsatti spoke on the phone last night as they will do so again after we get settled into our new home to discuss me traveling across the states to meet her and hopefully others, I would be honored to meet as well.

The Mistress has been here for me as I've needed her and for this I'm beyond grateful. She has never coddled me, but she has shown care and there is a big difference there. I still address her as a Mistress and FW and listen to her as such. Just because you have a relationship with someone does not mean you lose your place or think you can. This free/slave relationship must still always be maintained. Whether man or women.

I feel so drained, I can feel the life slipping from me, I can feel my body dying daily, I can feel it in every bone, muscle, severely damaged nerves and I still try hard to push past it all. It just doesn't work.

I know I need an MRI, but I cannot have one as I have metal implanted in my body and the magnetic field would just tear it out of me. I can alternatively have a CT Scan, or Xrays, but getting the authorizations because of WC it exhausting. I'm also scared to see any results of these tests.

I know I need them, and even want them, because not "knowing" is hard all it does it run thought through ones mind, yet also, I don't want to know what I already know is there.

Maybe I'm not making any good sense.

It's like if we knew we were going to die tomorrow, would we want to know? Or go on with today and make the best of it.

On the other hand, needing to know and finding out gives one the opportunity to ultimately make that last day everything it can be.

Sheesh, now I want to cry.

The home we're buying of course is for us, but also so that our children have something when we go. As my Master had his first heart attack at the age of 38, takes 7 meds a day, from lipitor/cholesterol, to heart meds to keep the clogging cleared, he has 2 stents in his heart, he had a 100 percent lower artery blockage that nearly killed him as I sat alone in the ER and the OR. I can barely drive, yet I drove him to the hospital and while he was having a major heart attack asking him "baby, where do I turn, what exit do I get off at, etc".

Sadly this is my birth city and once upon a time I knew where I was going and how to get there, I don't any longer, that's part of my memory loss, but we got there and he got straigt in, thank the good lord above, because he was certainly good to us that day. I did not know what to do, tears streamed, I thought ugly thoughts of losing him, and what I would do, how would I cope and the first thing that came to mind is that I'm his, if the surgeon came out and told me he was gone. I WOULD go with him. Then I thought of our children, our children, all his. How would my children take care of me, how they were to live their own lives and live rich full lives and I thought.. many a Master would take me right away, Master Digenes (DavidJD4th) would take me, another Gorean man might even fight for me, and I thought while I have a love for each of these men, I couldn't go. I have fallen many times and my Master brought me up and I thought how could I go to any other man falling so terribly bad that perhaps nothing would bring me up. My daughters couldn't get to the hospital, my son was at boy scouts, I had my oldest daughter Kharisma call my Master's sister, who we don't exactly get along, but times seeing eachother are years apart even tho we live in the same city. She was there within a half hour and sat with me as we waited for him to come out of recovery.
His sister then made calls to his brother and they too came up from out of town. I was scared of how his sister would in a sense dominate me, take over, tell me what to do, and while I would take her advice to heart after 20 years (nearly 22 years now) these were all my choices and I would only be grateful for the help, but the choices would be mine. My submissiveness can get me in trouble at times, make me defer to things I do not want to. I am a slave, but not his sisters slave. We were able to get insurence on my Master for the home, only accidental, disability or layoff. The accidental wouldn't cover another heart attack which is considered natural causes, I could not get the same insurence as I'm already disabled, and considered totally disabled. We are looking into other insurences so that if the good lord takes one of us or both at the same time, the home is paid for for the children.

We will need to make a will now or an AHCD - Living will.

My fears are escalating and one of my meds, Klonopin is helping me with that.

I have told my Master several times that when I go, I want him to have another female, I do not want him to live lonely, I want him to have a companion til his own end, I know she would never be loved like he loves me, but I would hope he could give a piece of his heart to her and I've told our children to respect her if she's treating him well. They all said "no momma, she would never be you, she would never be our momma" and I said, "don't hurt your dad further by hating a women who did nothing wrong, who only took my place for daddy's sake."

These are hard things, but we have to talk about them as a family. We have to.

I won't go out of this world unknown as I've left my mark in every search engine there is, there are a few atleast who will miss me, but many more after a few weeks will just forget me. That's how life and death works.

At this point my Pain Manager won't let me participate in the Ketamine trials. There is a high risk of death just to participate, especially in the 5 day induced coma one which currently has not been approved by the FDA in the U.S, but is available in Germany and Canada.

If the person comes out of the coma there's a 90 percent success rate of full remission, but that remission can reverse with a bump of the leg or other small injury. To me it's worth the risk, to my Master.... it's not as of this time.

Well, I do believe I've babbled way too much here for now...

...though these were my thoughts of the day

4/5/2008 11:58:19 PM
My puppy is precious and I just love him. My Master let me choose his name and I named him something special to me "Freedom". I'm hoping that with his help, he will give me freedom in life to survive better. He's my freedom. My Master got him for me to take care of me while he's at work.

But um, this pup is a fiesty handful, he has 10x the energy that I do just to care for him and attemp to train him, soon it won't be as bad as we should be moving next week (hopefully no more delays)

You've heard of girls gone wild? Well...
.... now it's puppy gone wild. laughs

4/4/2008 4:43:34 PM
Am in a very blue mood, my pain is steady 9, unbearable and as a result my depression and anxiety is rising. Escrow hasn't closed on our home yet, we need to come up with more cash, and since we didn't have the 2,000 they wanted at the last minute the insterest rate that we had locked in at 6% over a month ago, will now be 6.35% to compensate for our lack of funds and so the mortgage payment will go up also, but only by $28. We will have to however come up with $184 before signing additional addendums and final papers.

All this running around to these meetings has taken too much out of me and caused me even more pain simply because I'm not use to be out and about this much, last minute, on the drop of a phone call, etc.

I suppose it's partially my own fault because I won't use my wheelchair for these appts, I only use it for longer trips.

I haven't adapted to having to rely on it, I don't feel content and my denial flip flops. Just when I think I've overcome, a day later or less I realize that I have not and will I ever.

On a good note, my Master got me an 11 week old puppy, he's a big pup, a Rott, possibly part mutt. His markings are brown and tan instead of the Black and brown. He was gifted to me to be trained as a helper.

I'm beginning to reveal a bit much here, I've spent my entire life and I do mean entire as a slave, always property, always owned and it hurts tremendously to not be able to serve as I'm meant to. I've been given allowences and lightened duties, I'm only required to do what I'm capable of and while I am forever grateful...

... It still breaks my heart.

3/29/2008 10:13:25 PM
Tomorrow I'm attending my sons derby competition at his Boy Scouts. I make sure I go to this the scheduled once a year as well as the blue and gold dinner also once a year.
Anything containing physical activity I cannot attend, sometimes there is no where to sit and I feel lowly to go to a corner of the grass somewhere to try to make a comfortable spot on the grass while all the other parents mingle and move about. I do greet each of them trying to show courtesy even though I don't know many of them. I'm actually known as the assistant scout Masters wife (my Master/husband) or K's (first initial of sons name) mom.

My "wheels" will help me with seating now. I just have to try and learn to accept using it. I've been so strong over the years, pushing and pushing myself, beating odds, or thoughts by some docs.

The time has come for change and one has to learn to adapt, my family isn't ashamed of me or for me, it's me that is.

The closing on our new home is delayed, should have been on the 25th of March, now should be the first week in April. Just about a week away even so.

Maybe be offline a couple of days, but not until then.

Am losing weight steadily and am happy about that. Hope my Master will be happy also. But he loved me when I was a 5 and he's loved me when I was a 10 and he loves me even still now and has never put gain down as it's all been from meds. He's never been interested in a small girl anyhow on a regular basis, his outside interest (other than me) would be a 10-11, even some 14-16s maybe, it depends on the person, personality and sense of self self. He likes a curvy woman, not sticks and bones is what he says. That's not to say he's never been attracted to a smaller girl.

Well I been keepin' an eye on a second girl for him even though he maintains I'm enough.

When the time comes, I don't want him to be alone!

3/26/2008 12:38:46 AM
I have been so very tired lately. With all time away from home my body isn't use to, ie, signing papers for our new home, addendums, etc, I'm just exhausted. We were suppose to close escrow on the 25th of this month. It is being delayed and we should get the keys the first week in April. Due to housing market on a continuous decline this is a good thing as we may be getting the home 15,000-20,000 less. We had orignially offered 5,000 above asking price and now it may go down a minimum of 12,000 of below the asking price, not the price we offered. If we are really lucky, 23,000 below our offer. My "wheels" help when alot of walking is needed (wheelchair), I'm still embarrassed to use it and will force myself to walk those short distances and in and out time of movements or 5 minutes. I'm just not comfortable being seen using wheels or the insecurity it causes me and the acceptance of this is how life must be for me. I did beat the odds as I was told 5 years ago I would be in a wheelchair soon and I wasn't. I wouldn't let me. I pushed and pushed, but also ended up a homebound female, rarely leaving home. I can't make my Master and my family suffer to be out and about without me just because I am. I'm trying hard to change but I worry to lose too much of me, what I am and what I was.

I just got offered a job to create 2 major photography websites, one adult nudity and related and one for pregnant women and families wanting cherished memories. I'm excited and considering taking them both on by the same corporation who already owns several businesses and DBA'a.

Hoping all that celebrate Easter had a wonderful day.

3/19/2008 3:28:42 AM
The closing of our new home is nearing. 6 more days! Am very happy with some depression and anxiety teeter-tottering due to my inability to help as much as I want to as I just can't keep my pain manageable. I wish I was due for another series of LSN blocks. While it hurts to have it done, the hurt is worth feeling better for a few days to a few weeks at a time.

Will try hard to balance myself to get done all we need to. Using wheel chair and standing or walking for short amounts of time so as to not over do it and end up stuck in bed during what should be one of the happiest times of my life.

I love discussions and while participating on the gorean forum, I truly never mean to offend anyone, I mean to live and learn. I pray in time people will see that over all else.

"Live like I'll die tomorrow and learn like I'll live forever" ~unknown

3/13/2008 8:14:40 PM
It's nice to come upon some familiar people from the past, even if I didn't personally know them, even though some were simply in my path. I'm glad even so.

Looking forward to the closing of our new home at the end of next week, so will be offline a few days.

My Master became fed up with the waiting of necessary equipment for me, authorizations pending, delayed.

He woke me up early this morning right after he got off work, he said "I need you for a sec!" and I pulled my self up out of bed, with the help of his hand to bring me to my feet at the end of it.

He led me to the livingroom, had me close my eyes, and then said open them. I did.

It brought tears to my eyes when before me sat a brandnew wheelchair. He's so good to me. After all these years struggling with the ability to weight bear. So many tears from pain, only minutes at a time on my feet. I can be with him out in public again. Our family.

While I struggle with some denial still, denial of being so sick as the damage continues to run through my body and take me down, I'm blessed that I have a man who for nearly 22 years now has taken care of me in sickness and in health as I have him, and who I've loved, honored and ultimately obeyed through it all.

Could I ask for anything else? Nope!

3/9/2008 3:35:39 AM
My reason is not framed to bend or stoop: my knees are.
~Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

3/8/2008 11:03:44 PM

Nights are so hard. So lonely. Master leaving for work at 5:30 p.m and not returning home until 6:30 a.m. 10.5 hour shifts. Travel time to another City extends his time away. 4 on 3 off. The 3 off is wonderful. I cherish those days.

Am really praying that my Pain Manager/surgeon gets authorizations for another series of Lumbar Symp Blocks.

That 5 weeks was heaven compaired to the constant hell. They are working on getting me 2, series of 3, twice a year now.

Keeping fingers crossed.

Since there is still no cure to date, I doubt one will come in my lifetime, but am hopeful that there will be one for the next. The children/teens that are suffering from the same. It is heart breaking! To try each day to push past the pain I endure daily just to survive and imagine these kids are feeling what I do.. is just... awful. I pray for them over myself. Our children are our future.

I do find comfort in knowing or believing that it's all for something bigger... bigger than ourselves...

... and we shall overcome

To the end!

3/5/2008 5:08:08 PM
Loopy loopy lah lah

3/1/2008 1:34:59 AM
Am very tired, but my SCS internal battery died on me. 'Tis what I get for not watching my battery better. Now it will take up to another 10 hours to charge. This is done by wearing a strap around my hips with a round semi large disk that rests over the unit in my right butt cheek, then another computerized unit velcros to the strap letting me know how long I need to go before charge is complete. Since the battery drained, I have no back up pain relief, usually the stim will remain on while it charges. It's just a slower charge. I have to be still during the charging so as the disk doesn't slip or I have to keep re syncing it.

If I fall asleep I won't know if the belt or disk moved, so my charge wouldn't be full and I would have to do it again.

The next few hours are going to be long drawn out ones.

Hopefully, I can find something to do to stay awake or it will be an even longer day tomorrow.

2/28/2008 4:14:57 PM
Haven't been well these last days, not even well enough to communicate with others. I tend to pull back and away when my pain is so bad that it turns it a ritualistic almost silent chanting "God, please make it stop", "I can't live this way", I can't go on this way" over and over again until I fall asleep. Moments of wanting to pull my own hair out and hurt myself to divert the current feeling of pain. I've done these things to myself before. You just lose it. Well, maybe you don't, but I myself have.

I've walked some tough shoes in my life, really hard shoes and I've continued to tell myself it's all for some higher purpose. I've learned. I continue to learn and I'm able to first hand know the many things that have happened to others. (Even if they don't know it). I share my experiences honestly, I just don't go around babbling it out when there is no significant reason to do so. Well, I'm off to take a couple of Lortabs, have only taken one of my meds as of yet today, I try to rely on my SCS but it barely takes the edge off anymore.

2/24/2008 10:47:05 AM
So much for sleeping. This is going to be a difficult day.

Must try to get through it.

Going to submerge herself in the hottest bath her skin can tolerate soon.

2/24/2008 9:47:02 AM
Am off to try and force myself to sleep for a bit. Have a blue and gold dinner to attend this afternoon and have to be there early since my Master is co scout master to our sons boyscouts. I don't get out often and it's hard for me, but I'm looking forward to being with them at the event. I did go to last years also.

Pain has escalated the last few days and it's hard for me to keep it under control. I'm happy to be among those I identify most with again. A gorean lifestyle forum. There's nothing closer to what I am or how I live than there.

I have replies to catch up on will do so when I'm coherant enough to present myself well and without mixing words up or leaving letters out. Since my meds scatter me, and my pain keeping me teeter tottering on the edge, I fear faltering. And if I do then I won't be pleasing and I need to be.

My nature requires it.

2/23/2008 12:01:51 AM
I've been spending time in the Gorean Lifestyles Forum. It's nice to be among those acquaintances I've known of for years and even more so those I've become closer to over the years. I probably seem new to some and that's okay. Seems like often times when someone ventures in a forum or chatroom they are taken immediately as a newbie without knowledge of the type of environment they've ventured into and sometimes challenged and tested right away.

It's been quite sometime since I've been among people again. Especially those who believe in the same things that I do. The same philosophies, the same ideals. I started spending most of the energy and ability I can gather up anymore and began using it elsewhere nearly 2 years ago. Still online, but in an entirely different way.

Instead of serving man, I serve all of mankind.

I alienated myself from nearly all those I know online. Not because they ceased to mean anything to me, but because they meant more to me. It's somewhat difficult to explain specifically. Many have watched as I've worsened physically, mentally and emotionally. To be in the presence of others and be asked "how are you?" became a "same place, "same thing" type of existance. The honest answer gets old and sometimes too quickly and to save face and not burden others, or have them back away from me because of it, I backed away from them. I stepped back, way back. I have alot to offer, but I just couldn't find it in me to remain. I was in denial for a long time also. Though the truth is... is that I am never more content as I am when I'm within the strength of fellow goreans. I need the disciplined environment and even when sometimes chaotic, I'm at ease to know there will be a Master or Mistress step up and halt the chaos and I find comfort in that.

I could go on and on...
... to be continued.

2/23/2008 12:00:26 AM
I've been spending time in the Gorean Lifestyles Forum. It's nice to be among those acquaintances I've known of for years and even more so those I've become closer to over the years. I probably seem new to some and that's okay. Seems like often times when someone ventures in a forum or chatroom they are taken immediately as a newbie without knowledge of the type of environment they've ventured into and sometimes challenged and tested right away.

It's been quite sometime since I've been among people again. Especially those who believe in the same things that I do. The same philosophies, the same ideals. I started spending most of the energy I can gather anymore and began using it elsewhere nearly 2 years ago. Still online, but in an entirely different way.

Instead of serving man, I serve all of mankind.

I alienated myself from nearly all those I know online. Not because they ceased to mean anything to me, but because they meant more to me. It's somewhat difficult to explain specifically. Many have watched as I've worsened physically, mentally and emotionally. To be in the presence of others and be asked "how are you?" became a "same place, "same thing" type of existance. The honest answer gets old and sometimes too quickly and to save face and not burden others, or have them back away from me because of it, I backed away from them. I stepped back, way back. I have alot to offer, but I just couldn't find it in me to remain. I was in denial for a long time also. Though the truth is... is that I am never more content as I am when I'm within the strength of fellow goreans. I need the disciplined environment and even when sometimes chaotic, I'm at ease to know there will be a Master or Mistress step up and halt the chaos and I find comfort in that.

I could go on and on...
... to be continued.

2/18/2008 8:49:01 AM

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself. 
~D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930)

2/13/2008 10:04:47 PM
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." ~MLKJ

2/11/2008 7:43:10 PM
Been a long busy day. The brace on her right arm is helping some, the blocks to her lower extremity are wearing off, but am fairing as well as one can be under the circumstances.

A girl could be bummed about losing function in her arm, but hey am ambidextrous, can always fluff it with her mouth or her left, or both simultaneously... Mmm

~just laughs softly

2/4/2008 5:08:25 PM
Am doing decently today in regards to pain, but emotionally happy that she visited her college today after her Pain Management appointment and am a college girl again. She's staying with her original major and that is Corporate Publishing. Am looking very forward to that Publishing degree as it open up several door for her. From publishing to editing to graphics design, web administration, authoring, writing, master templates, powerpoint presentations in a corporate setting, teaching at Universities, City colleges and so much more including piece work from home, custom web design, logo's, just wow ones opportunities are endless.

Am already very good at writing. Have been published several times over the years in hard copy/books, audio and web from poetry to philosophy to politics. Have designed and created many websites since 1997. Have handcoded html since 1997, used publishing programs more recently since maybe 2004 and now can do both. When she's completed with her schooling, she'll be very good and at a professional level in master design, graphics design, corporate publishing, editing and lots more instead of a moderate one.

It may take this one a little longer to graduate, but when she does, her diploma will include MS Office (she already passed all programs related to it, Word, Access, Excel, and Powerpoint before she took her leave of absence. (her finals were closed book and she passed with A's and B's.)

Yay, am a college wench again!

"Live like you're dying tomorrow... Learn like you'll live forever".

2/4/2008 1:29:12 AM

Basking in her stimulation! ~shivers at the intense vibrations.

Probably the only slave around with a barcode in her ass, a serial number, model number and a built in remote control with vibe like impulses from moderate to convulsing... from teasing tinglies to... oh my god, what a rush!

~laughs softly...

An SCS device. Gotta do, what ya gotta do. Ya know? ~winks playfully as minds begin to wander and wonder.


1/31/2008 1:27:37 PM
Pleasure is nothing else but the intermission of pain.
~John Selden 1584-1654,
British Jurist, Statesman

1/29/2008 12:11:16 PM
"When you feel like giving up...  remember why you held on in the first place"

Returned home from the surgery center about an hour ago. Am able to sit up in bed with pillows propped behind me and under her bottom. Have been in the center the last 3 Tuesdays and have now completed this series of blocks. This ones Pain Manager/surgeon injected the dye and med to spread thru both of the lower extremities. Right and left legs. Am praying this lasts for more than a couple weeks. Pre blocks, ones pain level was a steady 8. It's now a PL(pain level) of 0 at the moment and last week she did well from the previous one. A PL of a bouncing 0-4 while non weight bearing and a 4-7 when excersising standing or walking.

On to better things.. Her website is doing really well and she's working with some of the top leaders and non-profits in the search to find a cure for this incurable disease.

For all you that like adult related fun, you might like to peek at this girls other website It's salaciously mmMmm good! ~winks and for sexy lingerie sure to please your Master's

1/24/2008 3:51:29 PM
Sensual Servitude
by twinkleEKV-ellajC

Tender, aching, need,
caressing, warm, freed.
firey, intense, ablaze,
passion, seduce, disengage.
stimulate, intensify, lured,
enticing, subjective, secured.
slithering, beast, obedient,
loyal, imbonded, expedient.
© 2006-2008 twinklev  Unauthorized duplication is prohibited. All rights reserved. May be used by permission and credit to source.

1/24/2008 9:42:38 AM
It's been 2 days since she returned home from the surgery center for the second time in 2 weeks. Pain has decreased and it's truly a blessing. Went in with a pl 2 for her foot and a pl 8 for her leg and came out a 0-1 on both and currently a bouncing pl 1-2.

She hopes the next one on Tuesday works even better than the last 2. It's been a long time, a long hard road... 7 years.

1/22/2008 1:44:21 PM
Returned home about 2 hours ago from her second set of pain/nerve blocks. The first session was last Tuesday morning and the last of the series of 3 will be next Tuesday morning. They are on an outpatient basis and she's away from home approximately 3 hours.

This time she was injected 4 times at the Lumbar spine to deaden the nerves of her right lower extremity and put to sleep twice.

A different kind of needle play... to say the least.

1/19/2008 11:23:48 PM
"Pain is for pleasure NOT pain alone. Pain for pains sake is abhorent and negates the true balance between torment and ecstasy ..." ~Arcan

1/17/2008 2:57:24 PM
One respects wives; one lusts for slaves; wives are free, and are to be treated with dignity and circumspection; slaves are owned, and are suitable objects to be put to one’s pleasure. The wife consents, if she feels like it, and is so inclined; the slave obeys. The wife may dole out her favors by carefully measured spoonfuls, like medicine, in a regimen designed to reduce and torment, and thus to control, an angered, frustrated, confused, manipulated, indoctrinated, unquestioning, childlike patient; the slave kneels and hopes to be found pleasing.

1/16/2008 10:29:52 PM
Most here would never understand this, but to wake up without pain is the biggest blessing of all. Having the ability to take control back if even for a little while and beg for that bare handed ass slap for the pleasure, instead of as a diversion is un deniably, amazing.

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